Stay consistent with the counseling. It will get better. My daughter is 15 and I went through some of the same things. Consistency is key. Love her, but make sure she knows how she can treat you.
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Literally get that bear with the camera eye and record her doing it then show your family and a psychologist if she is making up stories at school especially so. That way of or when CPS comes they know your story I’d true. Also just so her psychologist can actually diagnose her for obviously being manipulative ect.
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Also when she acts this way does it seem manic or calculated
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There is a legitimate oppositional defiance disorder, “ODD”. Your doctor should know. Mention it.
" ODD- A disorder in a child marked by defiant and disobedient behavior to authority figures.
The cause of oppositional defiance disorder is unknown but likely involves a combination if genetic and environmental factors.
Symptoms generally begin before a child is eight years old. They include irritable mood, argumentative and defiant behavior, aggression, and vindictiveness. Treatment involves individual and family therapy.
I have known a child with this and today with the help of therapy they are normal again. There is hope. Dont give up, ask God for wisdom, He will give it if you seek Him. Let love always be your greatest aim in life no matter what. I’m praying right now for you and your daughter. Its going to be okay. Talk to your doctor and pray for a good one!
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and I say [you] the mother are the ones that are allowing them to get away with everything they do and in closing I say have a nice day you idiots.
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Did you or your husband actually talk with her maybe she just needs you to listen and not judging her
This sounds like an overwhelmed kid, and I went through this with one of mine. I have had the most success with a method of making no “commands,” only invitations, and allowing them the ability to decline (say no). The consequences are natural consequences. Would you like to take a bath tonight? If they say ‘no,’ then the consequence is being stinky the next day. Would you like to join us for dinner or make a sandwich? Would you like to come with us to the parade or hang out here? A lot of kids melt down after school because they’re exhausted from holding it together all day. I ask if they want to do their homework before bed or get up early; if they choose not to do it at all, then they have consequences at school. Kid has mellowed out a lot, and our lives are easier.
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If her drs aren’t doing what you think they should whether it’s mental or physical health ALWAYS get a second opinion if possible. There is an oppositional disorder. Maybe look into that. Also take some time to listen to her. Maybe she is going through something at school? I haven’t had this issue, my 8 year old son just doesn’t listen.
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I highly suggest call easter seals Midwest they will help u.
Gosh I feel for you and your husband, install a baby cam so you can record it and give it to a therapist so they can see her behavior and hopefully be able to get to a solution for her acting like this, wishing you all the very best
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We went through this with our youngest. It was drugs and Alcohol. She is 43 now and I had to evict her from a house I tried for her to own. She still blames us. She has college degree and works at great jobs and piss poor ones. I had to finally give up. No Parent should have to do that, but Therapy still doesn’t help. It just made her think she is not responsible for her actions and she is a victim. I got no answer for you other than try your best and I hope you will come out better than us. Our daughter was told no parent should be put in this position yet we accept it. We were called on to DHS and Police in Minnesota by her and her friends. We came back into the country to get confronted by the authorities. Our Oldest thank God we never had problems with. Two children same household and yet to end results. Just love them the best you can. It will be up to your daughter once she becomes an Adult. I hope you the Best.
Make a journal and then make a therapy appointment. Times fights, fits, lies (how you know it’s a lie). What consequences or rewards. Do good and bad behavior. Be honest with your reaction have hubby/dad do the same for him.
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You say your husband? You don’t say her father? Where is the girls dad at? Could this be her resentment to your new husband? 
Stay in therapy. Don’t let her get out of going. Keep up with it. Maybe even group therapy or mother daughter therapy together. Mother daughter therapy together is probably best! That way you can air the stuff wrong. And she can try to explain her actions.
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Also if she is super close to someone like a grandmother or something see if she can stay with them for a couple weeks over summer break to give yourself some time. It does sound like you need some time alone. And maybe she just needs some time away too?
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I’d find a military school and enroll her. They will handle her and put her in check.
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It could be your spending too much time disciplining and less time talking to he. Yes children need discipline of course but try taking her out and having a big girl lunch with her and setup daddy daughter date nights. This is an age where that relationship needs to be established.
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Is your husband her father? Children do not behave this way for no reason and ifbshe truly is void of any behavioral issues observed or diagnosed by a medical professional perhaps what she is hiding and fighting so hard is the core/culprit of her rage. Sending her healing love and light. Praying for your family.
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She’s masking her behaviour by the sounds of it…and definitly ODD - I feel for you - I really do. There’s some good advice on here that’s worth trying - but know this - your a good mum and this will get better- there is no easy fix apart from carry on trying and loving them…slowly things will change providing you do that.
Also Worth it to keep trying with a diagnoses which will help you understand her behaviour and make coping with it easier - she reminds me of my now 14yr old…who does still have her problems but is now way easier and incidentily much older than her years - good luck xx
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Video her behaviour and take it with you to the doctors! My son is epileptic, ADHD and autistic along with other issues and the only way I could show them his seizures and behaviour was to film it all happening (obviously the seizures someone else filmed him while I supported and treated him during them - that led to a lot further digging and testing and finally diagnosises
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It’s time for you and your husband to go to therapy. Something is. Wrong and it may or may not be her. Either way if you gain better emotional regulation skills it will help you and get through this.
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Don’t sweat the small things, choose your battles .focus on respect for others and self. If she’s not showering or doing schoolwork, fine she will smell and have to do summer school or repeat the year. Her Choice. Matain basic house rules. But allow her some space to make her mistakes . Watch for changes and take advantage of any opportunity to reavh her. Good Luck !
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Sounds like you might be the one that needs therapy and counseling. You’re over exerting yourself over your own egg. Kids will be kids. You don’t have to be a drill sergeant to get her to comply. You need to understand her if you want to have a healthy relationship with your child. Maybe she feels hated and that’s why she behaves the way that she does. Kids need love and to be treated with kindness and respect. You need lots of patience. It seems like that’s the only way she’s getting any attention.
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Video her behavior. Then take her back to the psychologist. Have documented proof. Hang in there
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As someone who grew up with ODD, I can tell you, without a doubt, it would have helped my mom so much if she started recording my behaviors to show the doctors and psychs. It took many many years of hell for her and the rest of my family before I got the help I needed. Granted, back then there was less resources and a major stigma surrounding mental health issues in kids, but ODD is something that is real and based on what you are saying, it seems like your daughter may be exhibiting some of these behaviors. Good luck Mama.
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I went through this as well with my stepson. His dad and I were not on the same page as far as how to handle his behavior therefore resulting in more tension. Make sure that you and your husband are a united front and both follow through with set consequences for her behavior. I truly feel for you 
.
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Video what is going on without her knowing and show it to a therapist!!
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It’s not always the parents fault!!! Take her to the doctor
Or she mite need a good ole fashioned whipping…everyone so scared to whip their child…not me…I tore mine up when they needed it!!and dared anyone to say anything to me!!
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Have you heard of ODD? My god daughter has this and she is pretty much the same way.
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Record everything. Stealing, lying, the abusive behaviors. Take it to a psychologist. Kids are very manipulative. And always follow through with consequences. No matter how harsh they seem, always follow through. I feel for you. Be safe, mama.
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It’s time for a learning experience. She doesn’t wanna do things, don’t force her. She doesn’t wanna bathe? Fine. Don’t fight her. She doesn’t wanna eat your supper? She better learn to cook. She doesn’t wanna do homework? Let her fail. Yeah. She’s 9. So it’s gonna seem like neglect. But choose your battles.
Her room will consist of her bed, her clothing, her shoes, and a few things like books and a couple toys. Whatever. Not a lot. Bare minimum. Keep a lock on your bedroom door and keep your valuables in your room (sucks but for the best) and let her learn the hard way. Keep basic rules like no going out past a certain time whatever the basics are. But then start recording her behaviour.
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If docs ruled nothing , spank her once and see how that goes. Then explain to her why you did it and see her reaction
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Home schooling is a good option. It’s the system that’s creating this with lots of kids. Also technology. Keep kids away from it as much as possible.
Stick with counseling for you and her. Something is going on inside and you need to get to the bottom of it. Also, please try not to award her with food, that creates a totally different issue.
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See if you can find an in home therapist. A counselor who will come into your house after school. It is more likely the counselor will be able to see your daughters behaviors. Also the counselor will provide you with support. And provide your daughter with other ways of thinking, feeling, doing. It does sound like your daughter is oppositional and defiant. In home counselors know many children at different at home than they do in public or in school. Also in home counselors are able to intervene when the misbehavior is going on. Interventions. Otherwise, you are right. You’ve fine a great job. And I hope you can find a good in home counselor to give that a try. I’ve known it to be very effective in many cases. One idea to try.
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Has she been checked for autism? Aspbergers? Make sure it’s not medical first…but I would make videos of her acting out.
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Odd question but does her behavior come in waves like two weeks of calm with upwards of two weeks of chaos? If so I’d start looking into PMDD. I was 9 when my mother and I started fighting constantly. I was in and out of therapists office trying to figure out what was wrong with me. After my fourth babe the PMDD reached debilitating life altering levels and I realized this was an issue I had my entire life.
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The world is full of video cameras…use them. CYA…schools are quick to report abuse…and file PINS petitions…she will end up in foster care…
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You need a dr to deal with your anxiety and depression…at least until you find a solution. Counseling will help you with self esteem…
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Take some advice if you are going to ask…this won’t get better if you dont.
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Get a second opinion, she sounds like she has some mental health happening. Maybe she is autistic? Something is going on. You can also engage in family counseling. You can call 211 from anywhere in the U.S. and they can assist with locating appropriate services I used to work with special needs kids for over a decade. You are describing most of the kids I worked with. Good luck, don’t give up on yourself or her!! This cab get a lot better!!! 
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Maybe some hard love. She won’t do anything for herself so for one weekend don’t do anything for her or even acknowledge she’s there.
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I would actually recommend you go receive counseling as well before pursuing further interventions for your kiddos. Sometimes we are subconsciously screwing ourselves over as parents. See about help with communication and parenting on your end if everything else is coming up negative for her end.
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set up cameras all over the house just bot changing areas then take that to a doctor. send her to summer camp.
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Video tape her, then they will see the real her
Sounds like ADHD/ODD. She needs a proper assessment done.
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Have you tried to lower the mood when a fight is about to start? Or try to take her out alone to spend time together. This could be attention seeking behavior. Sometimes a reset to the whole relationship and a calm approach will help. I know it can be hard when you are already stressed not to yell, but it could help.
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You go to counseling!! If she only does this around you, maybe you need to work on yourself???
Get cameras & prove it to your Dr’s & family🤷♀️
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I know I’m going to get back lash but y’all keep raising kids with this “we don’t spank our kids” mentality and this is the result.
Lots of kids don’t need spankings, and I think that’s where this non spanking theory comes from.
But kids need to have a respectful fear of their parents. To know if you act crazy your momma is gunna whoop you but she loves you to the ends of the earth and would sacrifice anything for you and walk through fire to save you is healthy.
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Would she take a daily vitamin? There are some for stress that have L -Teanine and there is some evidence to suggest it helps with ADHD we had my 5 year old try it and she was a lot better with her moods and attitude, my little would get easily overwhelmed and then start act up
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I know this all too well. These individuals learn to be mastermind manipulators from a very young age. Unfortunately there is no easy answer. 
It’s exhausting and your mind is constantly racing looking for solutions. I truly feel for you both and it has nothing to do with you, drop the guilt thing asap. I know it’s easier said than done, but believe me years later you will completely understand what I’m saying…my daughter would never, ever give in she would push and push until she got what she wanted and 38 years later nothing has changed…Go easy on yourself these type of individuals will literally rob you of your life. Again don’t blame yourself for the person she is. We saw a physchiatrist and she told us that our daughter was very very intelligent, but because of her persistent behaviors that brought her down a lot in other areas. Sorry that’s all I have to offer, but just suffice it to say that no matter what you do these type of children will stop at nothing. Wait until puberty sets in, then there are the boy problems and pms. I totally get it you are not alone and wish you all the best…
I don’t have advice on what to do about her behaviors. What I can say tho: do not give up. She needs you whether you see that right now or not. Do everything you can until you get it figured out. As exhausting as it sounds, it’ll be worth it in the end. Promise.
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Don’t give up on her have patience pray for her n try to get to the root of it. All the best for both of you
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Record these incidents without her knowledge.
Take it to psych/counseling.
Shell be unable to get out of that one
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Find another doctor. If she is failing in school, has no friends, can’t get along at home. Then she can’t hide these things. One time visit isn’t enough. Make it visits as long as it takes for her true self to come out in front of the right doctor.
Video what’s happening and show to a therapist. Maybe get family counseling.
Get a referral for a developmental pediatrician and go from there.