Im following this post! I sure hope you find a comment suggestion that helps. My 2 step daughters have similar behavior. 7 years into this n thier dad thinks im against um.
Start taking videos!
I called the cops on my oldest daughter once because she wouldn’t stop staying out too late and not checking in. She was about that age. Now she’s 16 and it helped alot. I just explained to the officers that I needed help with my child understanding why she shouldn’t stay out so late.
Honestly have been thru this with my daughter, like damn near to the T of what you posted. We’ve been thru hell the past two years and come to find out amongst anxiety and depression, her thyroid levels are waayyy off and she was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Your thyroid controls so much in the body, including hormone imbalance. Not sure if your daughter’s doctor has checked her thyroid levels but it might be worth checking into.
Talk to a deputy sherriff. Set it up. Let them give her a tour. Just dont tell her it’s a tour. Just drop her off.
Video everything and show the therapist. She can’t hide her tantrums and how she acts then when the doctor actually sees what’s really going on.
First of all, I’m sorry you feel this way and are experiencing these behaviors with your daughter.
It sounds like you have taken her to get assessed by the appropriate people. Do these behaviors happen only at home? How is she at school? Does she have friends? How is she with them? Have you looked into family therapy? Regional center? Have these behaviors just started? If not, when did they start? Has anything drastic changed in your household? New baby? Siblings move? Abuse? Monitor her diet? Record her behaviors, document.
I hope you get the answers you and she deserve.
Is there other children in the family?
I know that you have tried a lot of things, but have you tried getting her into a developmental pediatrician? To me it sounds like she MAY have ADHD and/or ODD hopefully once a diagnosis is found for her whatever Dr diagnosis will know how to treat her. Good luck! I hope that everything works out for you guys
Get her into therapy and possibly family therapy!
Zink Charity Rosemarie
I would absolutely absolutely love if the person who posted this messaged me. This sounds like the EXACT type of kiddo I love working with. Please PM me if you see this. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, with love and care, want to help.
I would have her assessed for other issues. There are always reasons behind behaviors. Like perhaps high functioning autism
It’s ODD. And if you look into a therapy program that comes to the house she will eventually let her guard down and they will see what you deal with. I dealt with it with my daughter. She started young with the behaviors and i felt like every doctor, therapist, etc looked at me like I was crazy but then she got caught stealing at 16 and I went to the courts for help where I got introduced to an in home therapy and it took about a month but my daughter finally showed her true colors. She’s 23 now and our relationship is so much better. But like your daughter mine put her hands on me as well which got worse when she grew bigger than me. I’m only 4’11
Record her talking bad to you and when someone doesn’t believe you turn the recorder on. You can get a good one at best buy I bought one there it fits in my hand its the kind college kids use for class
Put video recorders up in your home… you can get cheap ones for like 20 a piece…the bring the recordings to your doctor!!! Show your family what your dealing with. … show the schools… once you have all the proof…help should be available … Good luck mama!!
Have her tested for a disability? ADHD? Or defiance disorder? Could she be? Being abused by someone? Could she be being bullied by someone? Also she can feel if she’s not wanted! Maybe you and your husband stress her out? Are you mean to her? Does she feel loved and heard and respected? Has anyone asked her what’s wrong? Does she have anyone she can trust her feelings with? Is your husband her father? If not? That could be the issue? I’m proud of you for acknowledging your feelings? Your a good person and a good mother for saying these things? Anyone else would not say how they really feel! Keep trying! Don’t give up on her? I’m really good with kids! I wish I could help!
Definitely set up small cameras around the house. The fact that she acts differently around others just goes to show how smart she is, she knows exactly what she’s doing. When you get videos, then take them and her to therapy
Break out your phone and get videos. If she’s making allegations against either of you it could go bad real quick. Then she’s either going to stop doing it for fear of her behavior being exposed for what it is or you will have valid evidence to prove her allegations are false. It’s sad that it comes to this but depending on your job, these allegations could affect your livelihood. Best of luck.
I’m so sorry this is so challenging Look into some literature- dr Greene “the explosive child” and also “the defiant child”
I think trying to get her some emotional regulation (DBT) group would be good, too.
Did she have a neuropsy testing eval done?
Depending on your insurance- maybe in home behavioral help and a mentor would be in addition to a talk therapist! See if you qualify for a Cbat, too?
I wonder if she is acting out due to resentment toward u? Is there Somehting within the relationship ship or family dynamic? Did something happen and traumatize her?
She should not be putting her hands on u- I’m sure this is exhausting! There is a parent stress line in MA 1-800-632-8188 and I’m sure support groups that you could attend to help you cope with such deviance.
Well, you could do family counseling and tell the counselor the truth of what she does and that she puts a show on for everyone else. Let it all out in front of her.
You keep talking about how YOU feel. She can sense that. I think you and her both could use therapy
My grandsons like this it’s very hard the thing is your her safe place and she knows you will still love her that’s why she doesn’t do this to anyone else my grandson doesn’t do this to people he’s not close too I’m really close to him and he tries it on me doesn’t hit me but if he’s rude I sometimes pretend to cry or be sad he doesn’t like you crying he’ll stop for a bit but then he’s back at it doesn’t do it at school I hope for your sake she gets the help she needs and can control it better
We have the same issue with our 12 year old for the last few years… She is diagnosed with ADHD.
My daughter is and was like this. It sucks. I feel like trash too. She’s 17 now
Try asking her for how she would like to solve the issue… Tell her my options are limited… We can try these two choices but which one would you rather try first?
Have her stay somewhere else she can only hide her colors for so long And figure out a plan.
Send her to grandmas/somewhere for the day. Put a video cam somewhere so you can show the therapist what it is that’s actually going on.
Have you tried whoopin that ass?!
Also could it be an issue at the school, (bullies/ mean girls etc) and she’s making stories to get sympathy? Or is she specifically telling teachers/someone in charge the stories?
Waste her time like she wastes yours! Make her sit in a chair and face the wall. She can’t move or more time will be added. She needs to use the bathroom, raise your hand.
We did this and my kiddo is 10 and we have never had any issues since
Don’t fight about homework. Let her fail.
Don’t fight about the bath. Let her stink.
If it’s really as bad as you say it is… the only remedy is natural consequences.
All done in love however. No mocking or I told you so. Just a simple (I hate that you have to repeat your grade all over again sweety… but you can’t pass if you won’t do your best)
(I’m sorry your friend made fun of you and said you stink. You could try a nice bath if you want to fix that dear)
Record it, then show the Dr. Counseling.
Surrender her to the courts.
It sounds so hard. I am so sorry. It sounds like she’s working on what we would call an “emotional project”. More info on that here:
The thing is, when children show off-track behavior, they’re actually screaming for connection. In this case, in a rather unpleasant way and it may be hard for you to be able to do that right away. We have a tool for you called Listening Partnerships, you can vent or scream or rage or say the worst possible thoughts you’ve had or even use your Listening Partner as a stand-in for your child and they will listen without interrupting or advice all the while affirming that you are good and wise and you have got this. I would highly recommend finding a listening partner and spending maybe a week getting listened to so you can get past the hard feelings on top, get some of the gunk out and free up your wisdom (which you have, trust me) and then I would start working on it like an emotional project.
We have a FREE call about aggression coming up next week and I would highly recommend signing up for that and dipping your toe in with these tools… it sounds like you have tried a lot of different things. I think this will be really helpful in getting more on the why of the behavior and why some of those other methods may not have worked and what will:
My daughter hit me at that age. We started going for walks and she really opened up about her resentments and stopped hitting me. For your general resentment do nice things for yourself that don’t include her. You don’t have to tell her. Just to build yourself up. Wishing you all the best.
Hmmm as a child who was a victim get to the root of it…
- Is she being bullied?
- Teacher abusing her?
- Friend drama
- Could a friend, baby-sitter or daycare be abusing her?
- Any OTHER family member be abusing her??
Don’t be quick to judge and H*TE her cuz she is absolutely hurting for some reason…
OP if you see this pls message me if you feel comfortable
Have you spoke to a counselor or psychologist. I know kids are hard. I myself was a demon child, idk how I survived. Or how my parents did. I think maybe addressing your anxiety and depression, if you haven’t, might ease up on the triggers or at least give you the skills to cope without resentment. Sounds like you’re doing everything right in spite of how you feel. And that’s all we can really do as parents, love, guide and support. Take a deep breath. Maybe planning a getaway once every few months for you and your man or even just a weekend without kids at home. We all need a break, even better if you know she’s being an “angel” with whoever she’s with
Is she an only child? Did you spoil her rotten and allow her bad behavior and now you have let it go so long that she thinks she’s the head of the house?
Put up cameras so you can have the proper proof of her behavior so you can show her therapist good luck
I’ve been through same thing.Has she always acted this way or is it a new behavior?DONT GIVE UP getting her help go to a behavioral facility and have her evaluated again.Put cameras up or use your phone to record when these behaviors happen that will help alot.Since she’s having issues in school get all the information you can from them.The school can also evaluate her for a 504 plan or IEP or both.Documentation is very important when your having issues getting help like this.My advice is to NOT yell and argue some kids it makes them worse.I know it’s hard but try to keep your voice calm and if she wants to argue tell her you want to talk about it but you will NOT argue with her then tell her your going to walk away so she can calm down alittle.Then after every one is more calm go back and talk about what was happening.Let her talk just listen but if she doesn’t want to talk then you talk and explain to her why it was wrong for what she was doing and tell her what she could do next time instead.She may also not know how to handle her emotions even at 9 kids struggle.I would get a book about feelings/emotions and talk to her about ways she can handle it when she’s feeling a certain way…Make a reward chart have her help you make it.Does she have chores?If not start giving her little chores to do and reward her for helping.If you take things away have her earn it back…Make a rules chart so she sees them everyday…Is she the only child?Since things have been hectic there you all are very overwhelmed is there anyone that she can spend the night with like 1 time a week or every other week with so you all have a little time to yourselves?When she is home do activities together start building your relationship back together.Make consequences talk to her about what they are and why she would get one.Stick to what you say don’t give in NO MATTER WHAT.Remember DONT ARGUE with her it does nothing just explain like I said above and walk away and come back to her and talk about.Explain to her how her behavior is making you feel but be calm when talking to her.Let her know how much you guys love her no matter what she’s doing that you guys just want to help her be her best self.Tell her everything you guys do is out of love it’s never to be mean but because you love her and a parents job is to teach their child right from wrong and your job is to guide her and help her grow to a good hearted respectful loving adult who will have a bright future and will be a good mom to her children when she’s older.YOU ALL SHOULD GET THERAPY TO HELP BUILD YOUR RELATIONSHIP
See if the state you’re in had a scared straight program . Maybe it will help her open her eyes to what her future could hold if she doesn’t straighten up
Send to boarding school
Record her behaviors to show to doctors.
My son was nowhere as bad but he gave me hell. I was ready to give up also but I stuck it out. My son came home everyday and he would have a snack waiting on him and his sister (she’s not a year older) but one day he came home and while sitting at the kitchen table he took his fork and stabbed my daughter in the hand with it and said b***h . I turned around and asked him what he said and he repeated it. He was in a class where they wrote down what that did with their free time at home. My 6 year old son wrote down that he is always in the corner, he isn’t allowed to have toys (he wasn’t allowed to have toy guns) he had to wear the same clothes because I never do laundry, he isn’t allowed to take a bath and there’s no food. I got a phone call from the school who turned it into CHF. They set up an appointment for later that day. After they left (they closed the case that day) I called my mother-in-law to speak to her brother. He came down and we came up with the perfect plan. When my son came home from school his snack was on the table and they started eating. When Dan knocked on the door I asked my son to answer the door. He yelled "Mom there some strange man that looks mad and he said to tell you to come right now. " When I got to thee door he played it good. Michael didn’t know him and he fell for it. Dan told him that he had to go with him because can’t live here anymore. Michael started backing up and I pushed him forward. Dan said get your shoes on and let’s go. I don’t have all day. My son was hanging onto me not wanting to go. Dan put him in the car and drove away. He took him almost to the prison and turned around saying he had to get gas first. He brought him back home and my son came running to me with tears streaming down his face. He clung to me and said I’m really sorry mom. I’ll never lie like that again. 32 years later he still tells the truth he will not lie anymore.
An early age for teen like behavior. I would look who her friends are. Talk to her teachers in a group so she can be dealt with consistently so she has no wiggle or manipulating room. Get her interested in some out of school activity, find her strength or likes. Cut through the attitude. Remind her she is only 9 and it will not be tolerated her behavior toward you. Maybe find an interest you can do together. Scouts, library reading time, a writing class etc.
Look into therapeutic mentoring. My sons behavior was all over the place (autism and IED diagnoses here) and therapeutic mentoring has helped SO much.
She needs some tough love and discipline don’t give up now
Maybe try talking to her ,often times we don’t put our children’s feelings and emotions into consideration and they are only human too. she may be stressed and don’t know how to handle how she’s feeling and needs to talk it out or wants your attention and she thinks acting out will get it
I know someone that was the same way as a child. Doctors and therapists didn’t believe that he was doing what he was doing because he hid it so well. He is very manipulative. We secretly recorded him and the things he was doing. When the doctor was shown the videos they finally believed us and got him on some medication that helped. If she doesn’t straighten up I’d try military school or something
I would put in a secret camera and record this stuff for proof to show doctors and what not especially if she’s accusing you guys of stuff…
Nutrition matters. Sugar? Dyes? Processed food? Among other things, perhaps this may be something to check.
What is her diet like? Foods with artificial dyes have been proven to cause children to have certain behaviors. I’d try and change her diet and see if that helps her I feel for you. I also feel for her because at that age they have very little self control.
I’d get cameras in the house w/o her knowledge first then take it from there. Sounds a little sociopathic to me to hide it that well she knows what she’s doing
I don’t ever comment on here. But my daughter just turned 10 and has tons of fun little friends. They’re all SO DIFFERENT.
First I would look into her diet and sleep. Routines are very important at that age. Make sure she’s getting good rest (good mattress, 8-12 hours, no tv, dark with a fan) and take away sugars and dyes and additives.
Then I would look into ADHD/ADD/autism/etc. anything that may have a trigger mentally. I’m not normally one to suggest this bc I HATE medicating kids. But it’s worth a shot if she’s as bad as you say.
My PERSONAL FAAVVVV, whoop that @$$. Tear her up. Tell her if she’s gonna put her hands on you like an adult, she’s gonna get hands back. (No punching or hitting in the face… just regular spankings)
I would also look into things that support the behavior. Maybe YouTube? Or older kids on the bus? Or even you or your husbands relationship.
There’s so many things you’ve gotta check before actually “resenting”.
Awww girl hugs. Maybe a personality disorder… oppositional defiance disorder… maybe start looking into professional help… other than that I got nothing. I hope it gets better.
And she is still eating your food, using your electricity, using water to bathe, etc…she would have to go. I will not house disrespectful children. I’d take all her stuff out of her room and leave her with a bed, pillow, sheets. Basic clothes or uniforms. Feed her the 3 square meals a day/ no favorite meals or snacks. Eventually she will tighten up. What is she going to do tell her teachers you feed her 3 times a day just not feeding her what she wants??? Or you’re not clothing her because it is not what she wants to wear??? Take control of YOUR HOUSE. Basic life. Let her live it in your household before she lives it in jail when she gets older.
see a dr! look up ODD and see if it fits, with your thoughts. join an odd page, and see if it compares to what you’re going through. My son is close, but I don’t think he’s full on. We have been through a LOT of issues, but it DOES get better. I promise you, I’ve had moments that I’ve resented him. I’ve disliked him. At the end of the day, I still love him. I still try to find discipline that works for both of us. I’ve been dealing with this since he was 6… Now he’s 16
My daughters try to do that. I nip it in the butt. I have ADHD, and both of their dad’s have it too. So I know it’s a high possibility they have it too. My older one has meds for hers. Which I do have her take, luckily for her, it’s a chewable. I had to swallow my pills whole when I was little. But I’ve tried taking things away and having them earn things back. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. Sometimes I actually have to throw their things away to get then to realize that I’m not backing down or giving in. Majority of the time they listen now, but with all their energy and now it’s summer, it’s hard. I tell them to clean their room if they want to do anything now. Even if it’s just for a piece of brownie that I made lol. If it’s something they really want to do, tell them to do a chore first and in a time-frame in order to receive that reward. It might help. Message me if you need. I’m only 28, but a mother to 3 wonderful pain in the butts. Lol, tho one is only a little older then 6mo.
She wants love,time and attention
Not 1 single time did I ever act out and NOT need my parents patience and unconditional love. Don’t give up when she’s really reaching out to you. Your anxiety and depression is just masking it so you can’t see it. you all 3 need help as a family. In no way possible is this just 1 persons fault or problem. Good luck lady hope you can find a way to navigate thru
I feel like you just described my son, he’ll be 13 In august and this has been my battle I understand the hopeless feeling and feeling like nothing will ever change. It’s so so hard but I keep just trying to see the good and keep trying because he’s my son. I feel the exact same though.
Try some one on one quality time things with her
Play a game
Take her to dinner of her choice
Do each other’s nails
Have small talk goofy conversations
Play a trivia on Alexa
Something just you and her and maybe she’ll loosen up a little
There’s a reason for everything that a child does. But when you do things with her
Put the phone away
Relax and actually enjoy it
I only suggest all this cuz my daughter was acting out
When things in my life forced me to relax and not think about outside world our relationship got stronger
Eventually she told me I was always in my phone or cleaning and never paid attention to her.
We are better now and I take the time to just talk with her and skip a cleaning day or two
She’s happier too
I hope this helps
Spank her butt.do not let her get away with that or when she gets to be 13 or 14 she will beat you up.a spanking never hurt anyone.as long as it’s on her butt.
You need to find better doctors and video the behaviors. Sounds like a possible neurological condition ADHD and or ODD
Good luck dealing with all this stuff currently dealing with it all with my 16 year old
Best thing you can do is record for proof of what’s really going on
My son was like this in Kindergarten because of trauma that happened in 2018. He was diagnosed with PTSD he had some bad behavior issues. I took it all to God prayed, and took it to the alter. God has really turned it all around he is a wonderful kiddo. When I was your daughters age I got teased and bullied a lot but no one believed me so I acted out at home or ditched school yes at her age. I hated school because of the bullying and teasing. God needs to be the head and give it all to him.
I’m dealing with a similar situation with my daughter who is now 13. She was like that since she was 5, it’s 9nly getting worse. I’ve tried reaching out to many different resources. I’m relying on prayer and faith.
Know that this is a stage in life! Make your own money and let her learn what life is about.
Ignore her hatefulness and move on, but express your love for her multiple times a day.
This to shall pass!
Love and hugs:heart:
Family therapy. Books and education on behaviors of children.
Am I the only one that thinks that maybe the child needs some space? If she’s good around other people or when not around you guys, maybe give her some time on her own or her own space. She doesn’t want to bathe? Fine. Let her decide herself when she thinks she stinks bad enough. She doesn’t want to eat? Fine. Don’t eat and we’ll see how hungry you get. I don’t condone the hitting, but another reason to let her sit in her room or give her a space to be away from you. Seems to me like you both need a place apart and to get your own grounding back. You keep pushing her and she’s gonna push back. It’ll only get worse the stricter you get.
This is exactly how my son behaved I had to switch doctors because his bad behavior finally spilled over to school. He was diagnosed with ODD and adhd medication has helped a lot but still lots of work to do. Hang in there momma!
Set up a hidden camera & get some proof
My son literally acted exactly the same way from age 7 to 13. Many therepists and psychologists and medications. We finally found a therapist he couldn’t manipulate. THATS THE KEY!!! He was then Diagnosed with ptsd, anxiety, depression, and … ODD! It explains EVERYTHING. He is now 15 and acts like a “normal” child should. I was at my wits end and even contemplated ending my own life at one time cause I just couldn’t do it anymore. You have to keep fighting and set BOUNDARIES with her. Find a children’s therapist that can dig deep and not give up. Good luck mama. You’re not alone
Sounds like how my step son used to be, he’s in highschool now and has gotten a lot better. Could just be a phase, seeing how far she can push things, I’d just ask why, like get her to explain her thinking behind this behaviour, does she need attention, does she feel left out, has something changed, moved house, changed schools, a best friend moved, maybe hormones are starting to kick in and she’ll get her period soon. Like it could be a whole range of reasons why but you can’t address the problem if you don’t know the why. Sometimes talking to someone helps like my daughter won’t tell me shit but she’ll tell my husband, her step father because she knows he’s not gonna get upset or punish her like I might.
Her behavior sounds like ODD, you should look into having her actually evaluated. Also record her behaviors so she can’t pretend they don’t exist around others & doctors.
RECORD HER & then show her therapist and doctors.
Take away her belongings that are not necessary to her daily living until she is responsible, respectful & grateful for them…and stop arguing with her all together. Literally let her stink, starve & sit in her bad behavior. Don’t even blink an eye at it. She wants to argue than let her do it with herself. She refuses to shower, that’s on her. She won’t eat…well go to bed hungry then.
Also document everything and make the school aware regularly and put them in contact with the therapist to…aybe a group chat, so everyone is on the same page and she can’t manipulate anyone.
Together y’all can hopefully come up with a treatment and plan of care / action.
There is a reason she is acting out this way. Have you tried taking her out just you and her and having a bonding moment? Sometimes children will act out for any kind of attention. Is she being bullied in school at all? Sometimes children don’t know how to express their emotions and they act out because of this. I would also recommend maybe getting a second opinion from a therapist. I hope you can resolve this situation. Sending good vibes your way💛
Find new doctors asap. There is definitely something going on there.
This is what my son was like he was diagnosed with pda they are known to mask their behaviours
Us in the 70s never had those problems,you parents spoiles you kids as soon as they’re born now deal with it,besides it’s all parents fault not the kids.Good luck,wait till they get to be 10 yrs.and up.
Yeah i would start recording it and keep a diary of things that she has done or how she acted etc and go back to a dr with the proof
This is sad. This is your child you’re talking about. She’s 9……
Hang in there mama. It’s likely her hormones gearing up. Have you had any blood work done. Maybe it’s just a hormonal imbalance. Maybe a different counselor or psychiatrist. Keep being her mother stick to your guns give her lots of discipline but show her lots of love too. It’s a rough time in a girls life when their hormones start ruling their heads. She maybe has prementrual dismorphic disorder . It can make things really rough until she starts her periods . And then every month thereafter as well. So check into that with a gyno. Prayers
You need to pay attention to her and spend some quality time LOVING HER. She’s your DAUGHTER and she’s NINE YEARS OLD!! She’s still a baby!!! LOVE her. It sounds like that’s what she needs. Shame on all you “parents” telling this woman to kick her nine year old child out or punish her further. This poor girl sounds like she’s struggling and you’re only making it harder for her.
Here’s what you need to do set up cameras to record her behavior and have the doctors watch it before talking to the child so they have some form of evidence of how she acts . Honestly sounds like odd
Get a camera in your house to record for the therapist/doctors and bring her grades in with you. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this
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Read about pan/pandas autoimmune Encephalitis. She may be sick causing inflammation on brain triggering these behaviors
Try pulling her out of school maybe isolating for a bit from outside influence might help her straighten up. Like just so she thinks she isn’t going to go back unless she behaves? Or maybe the school is the problem I mean a lot of things can cause kids to act out and lash out like that.
I went through this with my son only to find out (after sitting down to talk to him calmly) that it was because he was being bullied at school. I brought it up with the school and signed him up for jiu-jitsu. I think the hidden cameras is also a good starting point
Record it…I did when I had to.
Radar up. The child has had to learn these behaviors from somewhere. She needs love affection and attention not punishment.
It sounds like a you and husband problem
chemical in balance-she needs help!