I am struggling with my step daughter. She is 16 years old. I have other children of my own from ages 14 to 7. I have not been there her entire life. They’ve been raised differently. Different schools, different music, etc. I have been trying so hard to talk with her, to show her the better way. She continues to lie to her dad and I. Continues to make ugly tiktoks and snaps. Even ones with showing her body. Continues to listen to music with a lot of cursing and talking ugly. This is all been done also around my sons and daughter. She will lie to us to our face. Looking at us in our eyes. She continues to always do as she wishes. She is disobedient. She is having the younger ones follow right there with her. I never had issues from my children like this. She is staying up all hours of the night and the others follow. Not wanting to get out of bed the next day. Rolling her eyes when I speak to her. Doing things and putting the blame on others to get them in trouble and her look like a ray of sunshine. We have proof of all of this. Lies, the blaming others when they’re innocent. We have tried and tried. Even to the vaping and Mary Jane. No matter what we do nothing works. It has been so out of control since she has been here. The other children follow her lead, my husband is fussing more due to having to deal with her. I just want her to move to her mom’s. Am I wrong? I’ve tried and he has tried and she remains rebellious and does as she wishes no matter what we say or do. We’ve taken things away. We’ve grounded her. We’ve had talks after talks. She has no intentions on changing. She has started being disrespectful towards me and not listening and I’ve been nothing but good to her. I even have done more than her own mother has! I just don’t understand it all. I’ve never had a child that continues to do as they want and how they want. There is much more but this post is long enough. Am I wrong for throwing my hands up and just wanting her to go be with her mom? We’ve tried so many times and nothing is working. The others will follow and do the same if we don’t do something.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I am struggling with my step daughters behavior: Advice?
You can’t control her taste in music?! Is she rebelling because your being to stricked? But at 16 let her make her own mistakes to learn x
Yes you’re wrong… What if your husband wanted to throw away your bio kids because they became hard to deal with teenagers? Welcome to parenting teenagers enjoy the chaos.
Counseling, a physiologist, a professional
You got me at “the better way” what is that supposed to even mean
Unless you’d be willing to send your bio kids somewhere else when they are teenagers, then yes you are wrong. Have you tried talking to her about if she’s okay? Do you guys have an open relationship where she can come to you guys about anything with no shame or consequences? Also, she should be able to choose what music she listens to.
For one you can’t control her taste in music or the fact she gone to a different school. schooling has NOTHING to do with how she is. what do you mean by the better way? she seems fine To me just seems like a Teenager 
Sounds like a 16 year old, maybe you need to teach Your kids not to act like teenagers
Let her be. She’s 16 for fuccs sake. Parent your children how you see fit. But leave her alone. 
You think your kids will still be angels at 16? Hahaha your in for it.
A lot of it sounds normal teenager stuff.
But to an extent since she’s only 16 let her make her own mistakes. Let her know any videos or images of her with no clothing are child corn too incase.
Dude, she’s 16. I know when my dad’s wife tried controlling me, I rebelled even more. And if she would have tried to control my taste in music there would have been mean words thrown around. Shes a teenager, staying up all night, smoking weed, rolling of the eyes. I mean come on dude, if you don’t want her around just say that.
Everyone already commented everything I was thinking…
Yes, YOURE BEING RIDICULOUS
Sounds like a 16 year old. One that probably thinks she’s being replaced by your kids. You can’t control her taste in music or clothes! She’s 16 not 6.
Ugh…My kids when they were 16… Good Luck🥴
I think music, staying up late, etc are normal teenage behaviors. Give her a little more freedom and less criticism. Focus on teaching your other children not to follow. Give her some space to find herself and she’ll be appreciative. Too much criticism and redirection pushes teens away. Maybe offer to take her out and just talk to her about what her life is like. It would require an objective listening ear and sincerity.
You NEVER give up on a child 
that’s all I came to say
You are being ridiculous and are clearly extremely controlling.
I don’t think anything wrong with what music she likes and she is 16 it the age so you shipping her off just means you don’t care about her and are you going to ship your kids off when they 16 
Poor girl honestly. I’d rebel too if you were my step mom. You sound sooooo uptight 
Maybe the daughter is struggling with having a step parent…… I definitely did, she could feel like you are trying to replace her mother, everything she is doing is teenager stuff though like. Just show her you aren’t replacing her bio mom, if its possible maybe talk to her mom and dad together and get her help
Welcome to teenagers. When they start to become their own person. They rebel and push boundaries at that age. It’s normal and natural.
She’s 16… welcome to the teen years. Throwing your hands up isnt an option because if you do that she wins. Sending her to live with her mother because you can’t deal with her isn’t going to change anything either. And will probably make matters worse for you guys because she’ll definitely feel unwanted if you force her to go live with her mother. The teen years aren’t easy but as a parent throwing your hands up is never the solution or an option I’d look into counseling for her or a boot camp type program for teen with bad behavior. And she would absolutely lose every single privilege she has TV internet phone etc. until she learns to be more respectful. I know that’s easier said than done but you have to draw the line somewhere and then stand your ground because otherwise she’s just going to continue to walk all over you and do as she pleases. And your other children will only mimic her bad behavior if you allow them to get away with it so if they’re acting like she does you better nip that in the bud now and put your foot down and make them understand that you will not tolerate that from them and then stand your ground.
Sounds like a 16 year old. Let her make mistakes and listen to shitty music. Educate her on the choices you think are right, and leave it to god. My mom told us how to be safe, and what choices she thought were best- and allowed to do what we wanted.
It isn’t wrong to get frustrated….
But it is wrong to give up on any child wether it’s one you gave birth to or not.
Don’t give up.
Try showing discipline. It is your home but sounds like she’s running it.
Take control back, respectfully.
This happens when families blend together.
Continue to speak to your own children as well addressing their behavior.
Most things mentioned above in the post, kids are going to experiment with. Would you rather not know what she’s doing?
Make rules that the vaping and smoking aren’t allowed in the home……
Make it uncomfortable if but not impossible for the teen.
Sounds like she needs a job and to be focusing on school and her future career instead of disrespecting your home.
Get her involved w extracurricular activities or a work schedule and there will be less time for the negative at least on the home front. (From a Momma to 4…and 3 are girls)
She’s 16, welcome to parenting teenagers. Stop being so full of yourself and thinking your children are better than her. Buckle up buttercup, it’s just the beginning for you
She’s a teenager !!! You don’t give up on your kids , as hard as it may be . She may be sensing this vibe from you which I’m sure adds to her ways . Imagine if your husband said that about your children . I know her behavior is awful but giving up in a 16 year old seems like a premature decision. You knew your husband had another child , so be a parent ! I’m a stepmom of 13 years it wasn’t always easy . We however never gave up on each other’s children .
This is what you get for leaving her to be raised by other people I believe this is called KARMA SO SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP
I agree with everyone that MOST is just normal teenage actions. But I could never condone vaping and smoking pot at 16. If they chose to do it at 18 and out of the house it’s one thing, but definitely not as a teen in school. And who on Earth tries to change what music their kids listen to? My mom was strict, we never really listened to the same music but she never tried to change that.
Her dad and her mom need to get her some help. She made need to go stay/live at a place where she has much help before she can live around the other children. Good luck. This is a tough one.
Hey, Karen, stop making this about you n have some decency for that child!! N maybe the reason your husband is being fussy is cuz you’re being such a bitch to his first born… who’s the adult here, is all I wana know? Lol
Sounds like typical teenage behaviour.
The more you push the more she will resist.
Be supportive not negative, also a 16 is not raised. She is with her daddy, she needs him. Don’t you dare put a wedge between them and her siblings.
I’m 27 and still need a lot of learning and I’m a parent 
.
Who are you to tell a 16 year old there’s a better way? Get over yourself. I 100% guarantee you are white, privileged, and attending church.
I would send her to her mother, or say you are see if that’s what she wants or will she start to behave so she dont go to her mother. Jealousy comes out in all behaviours. To protect your other children she has to change or she has to go. Discuss with your husband this has to be his call.
Honestly, pushing her away and wanting to send her away is wrong.
You need to change your approach.
All behavior is communication, so something deeper is happening that you cannot see.
Connection before correction.
High Impact is a great group! She has a podcast called Parenting with Understanding, and a whole teen series! Listen to it!
Honestly if she wants to smoke MJ, she’s gonna do it regardless. If getting it from a safe source there is nothing wrong with it. It could be helping with whatever she is coping with mentally.
Music? Well let her listen to what she wants.
Parenting through control is not the answer. I recommend individual and family counseling for everyone.
It sounds like you’re putting your kids on a pedestal as model children while crucifying her for every single thing she does because it’s not “the right way”. It’s also disturbing how many times people write letters like this and the step parents have to throw in their how much they’ve done for these kids and how much they’ve done more than the moms etc. etc.… If you’re just gonna throw it back out there when you’re mad why even do things for the child in the first place
I think first you need to do some research yourself in what a typical teenager is like, as you clearly are very ignorant to that. Secondly, you don’t just ship a child away because they’re difficult. Third, do better as a stepmother. Signed, a stepmom to two teenagers.
My step mom was like you and I beat the living hell outta her for the shit you’re doing now. Mind your business. Mother your kids. Let her father handle her. And to say you’ve done more than her mother lol you didn’t give birth. You haven’t been there her whole life. You have balls, lady. She’s 16. Sending her away will only further send her down hill. Set the example. Parent your kids. Save yourself the stress and mind your. And only yours. Suck it up and do your part. Which again is minding yours.
She is 16 this is normal… just wait because they all go through this, what are you going to do when your biological child does this kick them out???
Sounds like you have what we call a “teenager”. All symptoms are present .
Stop trying to control her and try to connect with her instead. Right where she is. Without trying to change her.
If you want her to be honest with you, make it safe for her to be honest.
She can feel you judging her, you know. That isn’t helping the situation at all. Give her love and acceptance, instead of trying to “fix” her. There’s also nothing wrong with her staying up late. It’s summer vacation, right? Tell your lithe kids she gets to choose her bedtime because she’s older and let it be.
I personally wish I would’ve let my kids have more say when they were younger. They have to live their own lives not the one we want for them. Quit trying to “make” her believe what you believe.
It isn’t wrong to be frustrated OR concerned that her behavior is/will have a negative impact on your other children. I knownit is not easy dealing with a chikd that is disrespectful to you. That decision is best made with you and your husband together along with input from her Mom, if possible. This is a very tough call.
You sound uptight from the wording you use. Who calls marijuana “Mary Jane” anymore? Saying she posts and says “ugly things” is weird wording I only ever hear from overly strict parents as well. She’s acting out BECAUSE of you. There’s a point where being strict is overboard and the kid will just think “screw this, I get in trouble or yelled at no matter what I do”. Pick your battles and let go of the small stuff. So what if you don’t like her music? Just ask her nicely to have headphones in so you don’t have to hear it. Tell her you understand she’s her own person and you will try to be more accepting of certain choices as long as they do not affect others(like using headphones). But when it comes to mistreating people or doing drugs you are concerned and need to step in because you love her. Well… you do right? I ask because you sound more concerned about control than her well being.
Well good luck children are challenging if you give up on her she will always give up on you. U are the adult teach her. Giving up is the easy way
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Well. She’s a teenager and she knows everything. She was brought up differently and you can try to guide her, but even if you grounded her forever you still wouldn’t be there 100% of the time to watch what she does. She’s rebellious as most teenagers are. There are worse things than pot, but I understand not accepting it for a kid. There’s a difference between knowing it happens and allowing it to happen. You don’t have to be on board or agree, but try not to go overboard when things don’t go your way. She’s young you’re very much speaking like an adult with her future in mind and that’s not where her head is. Maybe instead of telling her what she can’t do try talking with her about where she wants her future to go and how to get her there. If she has a goal that you can support that would help bond more than just criticizing her constantly. And as for your other kids that have been around. Hold your normal rules as you see fit. But understand they are gonna become their own little versions of themselves absolutely imperfect and an understanding and supportive mother. Who they can talk to about things without it being the end of the world is gonna be a part of building thier character. A mom who just picks them apart… she’s gonna get shut out.
She hates you and it’s your own fault. Hands down.
Honestly, if it was your own blood child would you being saying the same thing about throwing your hands up and giving up? Probably not, so dont give up on her. Do you remember being a teen and how hard it was to try to become your own person? Put yourself in her shoes, or atleast try, and figure out what she needs from you because honestly, I rebelled bad as a teen and my parents gave up on me, never once tried to understand why I was rebelling and I never forgave them. If you want to burn the bridge with your non bio child, then give up, but if you want a relationship with her in the future, try to understand her and what she truly needs. Get frustrated, yes, give up, no… but that’s just my opinion
The teenage years are freaking hard
Give her a choice. Follow the rules or live with your mom. The staying up late is a teenager thing but if she’s on vacation does it really matter?
I’m sure she has a mass of internal feelings. The fact she is with you guys and not her mom speaks volumes. I didn’t hear a single mention of counseling. Lies and eye rolls are normal at this age to an extent. So is the music you’re referring too. She probably feels like you just want her to be an entirely different person and sounds like she has no solid, bonded and trusted adults in her life. You can’t change someone… it seems deeper than you are realizing. You mentioned a lot and to a teen why bother if everything about you is bothersome anyways. Why even try? No mention of her feelings at all. I see both sides of this and to me it sounds like maybe some counseling and a better perspective for you would help. Nobody wants to walk around crappy and grumpy. She’s clearly not had the best support for some time. She’s developed from her upbringing. Think about that.
Not all kiddos respond the same and I understand you are worried that the other kids will see this behavior and follow her lead. I think there are deeper issues here! Yes she’s a teen and yes they are hard to parent but maybe you need a different approach. Have you asked her if she wants to keep living there? Maybe she’s trying to push to see if you’ll give up on her?
There’s a difference in just being a typical 16 year old and being disrespectful. It is not acceptable to be disrespectful and to feel you don’t have to follow the household rules. It is not acceptable to teach other young children that smoking MJ, or that your disrespectful behavior is ok. If your husband has done all he can do and she doesn’t obey the rules, then it’s time for Mom to step in and see if she can make a difference. Yes, I would send her to stay with mom for a while.
She can probably pick up that you don’t like her. Do better
seek help as a family, she is a teenager sometimes we do things that we think are helpful but to a teenage they are not,and I think without knowing it you treat her different
Welcome to the teenage years it will get better when she’s about 30 
so much of her behavior is typical behavior at that age and I am sure your biological children will got through much the same, I understand some of your feelings as I was a stepmom to teens as well. Set boundaries and make sure she knows the consequences if she breaks the rules, be consistant no matter how much she runs her mouth about it or how much she rolls her eyes. You can make sure she is not having her vile music loud enough for your others to hear–she can use headphones if she wants to listen to that. Make rules for the other two on what time they need to be in their rooms with lights out and follow through—16 yr olds often like to stay up until all hours. Make more family time–family game nights, going for hikes, to the beach, to the movies, camping etc–yes she will grumble, complain and make life miserable for you but it would be my guess that deep in side she needs this and will be secretly glad for it. Also have her spend time doing things with just her Dad, then have times she does things with just you–like getting pedicures, going to a movie etc. Do the same with your other two so hopefully they will not be acting out and getting negative attention too. I also think finding a good counselor would be beneficial for her as well as for you.
‘I’ve been nothing but good to her’… It actually sounds like you completely despise her and she can probably tell. You seem like the step mom no one wants for their kids, treating her like a heathen.
Send her with her mom
I didn’t even bother reading past " show her the better way""… Because that right their is your problem
So you compared her to your “perfect” children and since she isn’t as “perfect” you think your husband should get rid of her. Newsflash. YOURE NOT HER MOM AND NEVER WILL BE! And you will NEVER come before her. Thinking her father is going to choose you first 
Sounds like your going through what ALOT of Teenage parents are going through and have gone through. It’s hard it’s parenting and unfortunately they have to learn mistakes of being rebellious as well. Stay strong and tough love is just that TOUGH.
Yes she may make it harder to discipline the other kids, but that does not mean she doesn’t need love and support. Being a step parent is not an easy role. Do you really want your husband to resent you because you couldn’t find a way to love her enough through it all to not send her away? That is what will happen. Most teens are going through what she is. She honestly sounds like a typical teen. She may be under a lot of peer pressure. Maybe she still is not alright with you replacing her mom in her life. You need to take a walk in her shoes. She went from mom and dad who love her no matter what to a step mom who seems to hate her for her behavior. She needs you to be loving and understanding, as God would be. You are expecting perfection of her when God already said he loves us despite our imperfections. You mentioned a better way of raising kids. Well the best way is with love and understanding.
You can’t tap out when parenting gets tough. Set up an appointment with a therapist.
You’re wrong. Just bc someone is hitting a rough patch, you don’t just ship them off to someone else. Be strict with how she behaves but give her space and freedom. Tell her she can go to her friends houses, go chill at the park whatever. But she has to be home by 10 every night, she cannot be alone while she’s out/walking whatever ( explain what can happen and why she cannot be alone even in the daylight, people are creeps )
She can have her freedom, but she MUST have a different attitude toward people. No eye rolling, back talk, slamming doors etc. She can listen to her music with headphones so the kids don’t hear it, there’s always compromise. But let her know if she stays disrespectful, her privileges will be taken. That includes phones, TV, music, outings etc. But do t forget to Give her her freedom. Let her go where she wants along as she’s not getting into shit while she’s out.
Sounds like a teenager…
You said it yourself, you have done more than her mother has. In her mind, she probably feels she raised herself and she thinks she knows who she is already. She shouldn’t be involving your kids in these antics that you find unacceptable and unfortunately your daughter will be more susceptible with them being the only females.
Wanting to send her away isn’t the answer though. She might be self sabotaging so that you will send her to her mother’s and it’ll just cause feelings of being unwanted. Actually sit down and try listening to her without interrupting and with an open mind. It may take a few tries but it’s worth a shot. Troubled kids aren’t the way they are because they choose to be majority of the time. There were circumstances that were forced on them which made them act older and rebellious
Sounds like your kids need to have the “what does it mean to be a leader vs follower” talk …
Throwing your hands up and giving up on her is probably the WORST thing you can do. I dated someone who had teenagers, they were the same way. I didn’t give up on them neither did my significant other at the time. They have Changed so much now. Teenagers, hell all children need stability, discipline, life lessons. They need someone on their side and it sounds to me like this poor girl doesn’t have that. Maybe she senses/feels as though nobody truly cares for/about her. I personally feel as though when you enter a child’s life later on then respect needs to be earned. Maybe she doesn’t feel as though you have earned that respect from her. Neither has her father if she was living elsewhere and recently moved in with you. Earn that respect, do whatever it takes to show that girl you love her and want the best life for her.
Get family therapy. I imagine it will be eye opening
So you blame a 16 year old child on how YOUR children aren’t behaving? Interesting. I’m betting she can pick up on the fact that you want her gone and from your post it’s all “look at how amazing MY kids are, this other child is ruining them and it’s all her fault” you obviously feel like she is nothing but a burden so why not ship her off? You could be the problem here, you should never and will never come before her to her father, he shouldn’t have to choose between you or her and making him says alot about you.
Also …. I feel like she listens to rap music or maybe rock and roll (based on your description) and it’s upsetting you? I listened to 90s rap as a kid. Uncensored. The music isn’t the issue. Sounds like she just wants some positive attention but is doing whatever it takes to get it. Take her out for lunch, show her she’s special to you, and see if her behavior improves. You need to form a connection with her if you expect her to take you seriously
You knew he had a child when you married him. You took on that responsibility of raising her. Now you just want to get rid of her. I understand teens can be difficult. The most likely issue is that something is really bothering her and she’s acting out because she doesn’t have anyone willing to put some effort into her to see what’s wrong.
I would insist on counseling, her individually and as a family.
Have a family meeting.
Introduce a written set of house rules that you and your husband have agreed upon.
As for cannabis and/or alcohol use, she is underage. Do not allow it.
If any incident occurs where she was using cannabis or alcohol with your knowledge while under your care, you risk losing custody of your minor children.
When she is off legal age, she can do as she wishes.
Let her father enforce the punishment and the rules.
Good Luck.
I wish you all well.
Step mothers like you cause so many LIFE LONG issues for children like her, you wouldn’t ship your own children off for behaving like that but you have no problem sending her away. Your bias is showing.
As someone who’s ex step mom hated her I see where she is at rn. At 16 I did everything I could to not be around my ex step mom. I did everything she didn’t want me to do bc she was mean to me. I tried to be perfect for her and it never worked. As a kid I needed therapy and it was never given to me bc the adults in my life just said I was a bad kid. But really I was dealing with an emotionally and mentally abusive step mom who made sure I knew I wasn’t her kid. She made sure to tell everyone I was just a step daughter. She made a point for people know who HER kids were. She made sure I knew I was a “bad influence and her kids were much better than me” honest to God the way you worded your post you sound just like my ex step mom.
Yea you are wrong. She sounds broken and in need of love and therapy. Life is extremely hard. Especially as a developing teenager. Maybe start with talking to her about why she might not be able to sleep at night. Don’t talk down to her, ask her things. She has her whole life to be an adult, help her manage maturing. Do you spend any one on one time with her? Lunch? Have you laid with her and discussed what she would like to do for the day? With your opinion of your children being perfect, does she feel like an outcast in her own home? Does she need father daughter time? You stated her mother hasn’t done much, so that’s even more of a reason that she needs you. Don’t throw your hands up now, she’s clearly reaching out for attention. Be the person you needed as a teenager.
Check into the At Risk Youth program in your area. You can go to social services and file a petition. I worked for attorneys who helped. It’s a great program and they have to go to court and answer to a judge and their attorney. Good luck.
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Shes 16… I was doing worse at that age
Yes you are wrong for wanting to wash your hands with her.
The more you pull on those reigns the more they will buck . Weren’t you 16 once? think about it
Wow, you’re a mean step monster.
Why is she even having access to social media. And the younger ones too?Take away her electronics. Monitor her device. Remember you are the parents not her. Start grounding and taking away. Remove all electronics from her room. If the younger ones are doing the same thing monitor their phones too. Put parent control on their devices. If the other mom doesn’t go with the flow make it the rules at your house!! It’s your house your both in charge not the kids take control. She can’t do anything till her behavior improves if she doesn’t like it tough. Sounds like you need to talk to your husband come up with a game plan both stick to it communicate together start to involve all kids in the same game plan and completely start monitoring devices and discipline where needed. Maybe make it a rule in the house no social media till your 18?? Again the Adults are in charge not the kids. Don’t let them control and manipulate you and walk on you. Take charge and start disciplining and hold your ground! If you don’t start setting ground rules with everyone as a whole all the kids will fallow. Have a family discussion and lay down those rules. Tell them what they will have taken away if they don’t fallow the rules that you too need to come up with and fallow. Maybe both of you consider a counselor for her? For you guys too to learn how to cope and discipline in a healthy way that gets your point across! Good luck!
Tell her none of that can be done in front of the little ones, in private whatever. Sometimes when you take away the part that makes it rebellious, it makes it less fun for them. I know the internet is a scary place and we want to protect our kids from it. Tell her make all the tiktoks she wants, just no nudity. Say some crazy shit like don’t just go meet up with anyone alone, lmk and I’ll go with you. She’ll be sooo confused lol. Tell her to stay up as late as she wants in her room, but the younger kids can have no part of it.
Honestly though with the world we live in today, y’all are winning. Sure she’s doing things that are inappropriate and you’d prefer her not. I was doing meth at 14, running around all crazy. I think she needs love. If y’all have done more than her mom, she probably trying to make you give up on her. My bonus daughter did that. Her bio mom has always been on/off drugs in/out of her and her brothers life. Her ex step mom who she referred to as mom just left them when her and dad separated. I’ve been with her dad for 2 years now, she is 18 and her brother is 14. There’s still bumps in the road but things are way better. Maybe some counseling? She probably just desperately doesn’t want y’all to leave her but she trying to see if she can push everyone away so she can confirm beliefs she has about herself. Maybe that she’s useless or unlovable.
I know it’s hard, but don’t give up just yet. She needs your love 
Your house your rules. Send her to a girl’s home and let her see which grass is greener. She has no respect because no adult running the home is creating the only environment for it. Does she have a job that pays for her phone and internet? If not then why does she have one readily accessible? Does she buy her clothes and food and pay bills so she can act any way she pleases? Her mother does not have custody and I should be asking as to why even though I can almost assure she’s not much of a mother to begin with. Your husband getting tired of dealing with her attitude and behavior then dad needs to step up and come together and you both lay down the rules and she either abides by it or show her the door. You see what’s happening today with parents wanting to be a best friend and well this is what you get. She knows she can get away with it period. She knows she can push and push and that you will give up. Tough love is just that. You abide by my rules or send her somewhere until she’s 18 and can be on her own but stop enabling the behavior.
Sounds like you havent been in her life long enough.
Come up with a set of rules and have DAD enforce them. The more they come from you the more she will rebel.
A lot of people are saying counseling. I agree. It’ll help her have an outlet cause she is struggling too.
Coming from a step mom who did it wrong in the earlier years.
A stepmother like you is what ruined my 15 year old daughters relationship with her dad!
I don’t allow some of this stuff you listed but overall she is 16! Get a grip because if you think your kids are prefect they more then likely have just figured out how to hide stuff from you…
Your step daughter sounds like a spoiled and entitled brat. I understand she is 16 but she is being disrespectful and causing trouble in your home. Definitely take control of your kids and maybe back off of your step daughter a little. She obviously has low self esteem.
I WAS that 16 year old who moved from a bad situation into my dad’s house and it took him 4 YEARS of hardcore trying to get me to straighten up. When you’ve grown up in such a bad situation and you’ve already been introduced to things so young… you have to remember as the parent, shes not done growing and learning. Have patience. Love her. Show her how beautiful and kind she is. Show her what she DESERVES. More than likely. She doesn’t feel like she has any other outlet. And you as the “stepmom” probably should step back and let/have dad do the majority of it. I was defiant towards my dad’s significant others. Specifically, because I needed his attention at that time. Just me 
but don’t give up on her. She probably is used to that feeling, and it’ll make it worse.
My first thought is pretty much all of this sounds like typical teenager behavior - whether it’s acceptable behavior or not. From how you are describing her behavior to comparing her to your kids between the ages of 14 to 7 - I wouldn’t be surprised if she can tell that she is being treated differently than your kids and that plays a role in her rebelling. I don’t know why her going to different schools or listening to different music has anything to do with it. You might not like the music she listens to but you’d be surprised how many people, especially teenagers, listen to that type of music. Some of your other comments, primarily the “i have been trying so hard to talk with her, to show her the better way” sounds like you feel as if though your children are better than her. That is going to add to her being disrespectful and growing to resent you. I do want to mention that you cannot compare a 16 year old to your 14 to 7 year old children. Youve never had a child that continues to do what they want and how they want because your children are at completely different levels than a 16 year old. This is comparing apples to oranges. Honestly your children will rebel at least ONCE when they are in their older teenage years. We all do rebel at least once (which looks different for everyone). I’m not a fan of the comments “I’ve been nothing but good to her” as that is your perspective. The comparisons you make between her vs your kids, you trying to just send her off to her moms, you trying to teach her “the better way”, etc. is enough to show that you are not perfect in this situation, either. I think you should do some credible research on how to handle these types of situations, you should speak to a professional in adolescent behavior, and you should have a non judgmental conversation with your stepdaughter. Don’t be judgmental, don’t make side comments, don’t compare her to your kids, don’t make her feel like she’s a burden or too much too handle or that she is unwanted. My mom had “safe zones” with my sisters and I growing up. “Safe zone” conversations were conversations that were not to be talked about with anyone else, no judgments being made, you wouldn’t get in trouble for anything you said, and it couldn’t be used against you. They actually worked well. I have safe zones with my friends, my sisters, still with my mom, and will be doing safe zones with my children. You want her to feel comfortable coming to you - but it sounds like she isn’t comfortable and cannot be
Let me get this right, because of her behavior you want her just to go live with her mom? Sounds like you are harboring resentment which is causing you to see things in a negative light. She sounds like she may need some counseling. Maybe she is mirroring you and gives you the same treatment that you give her. She is a normal teenager and the important thing is you need to make her feel comfortable to open up about her feelings. My 11 year old, yes 11, acted just like your bonus kiddo does. It turns out she had some depression and anxiety. I sat her down and asked her what was going on. Asked her why she was feeling so strongly…that is when she told me. She said she felt like a failure to everyone. We worked through it and I stressed that she could come to me anytime, no matter what! And she does. Teenagers, even more so females, tend to be hormonal and impulsive. Don’t throw her away. You have no idea how much trauma she is going to have by you doing that. STOP CONTROLLING HER! Give her some wiggle room. Don’t helicopter her. She probably feels pushed aside and alone. She does these things to get attention from you. Take her out for a Step mom and daughter day. Appeal to her likes, and talk to her. Listen to her.
Sounds like a teen.and ugly pictures? I’m 37 I show flesh all my kids are taught body positivity. And my 16yr old wears crop tops and shirt skirts, it’s dress sense of a teen mostly. You sound very negative just because it’s not your way.
A 16yr is hard work, especially girls but you sound like you’re putting alot of blame on a child. You sound like the problem, very negative towards her. She will sense that and will act out.
The music very much a teen thing I’ve kids 8 to 16. You can’t stop her genre of music. My kids ill say earphones or their room where younger one isn’t
But realistically kids hear it but it’s enforcing to the other kids not age appropriate to be swearing.
My kids are allowed to express themselves they talk to me. They can be teens. My kids are well behaved well mannered and that’s because I do enforce positive parenting. It doesn’t sound like you’ve much positive to say so you will create a negative person,at 16 will be alot of insecurities already and I’d imagine you make more.
Just because she is a teenager doesn’t give her the rights to be disrespectful
Follow the rules and mind your manners or consequences will be given
Stay strong x
So when your kids do the same rebelling in a couple years are you going to ship them off too? You’re a parent, it’s your job to deal with it. You say you haven’t been around her whole life, but her dad has so this is 100% on him. She’s 16, I would be less worried about what kind of music she likes and a little pot and more worried about why she doesn’t trust or respect either of you.
Why not try counseling or therapy? She is clearly acting out for a reason
The fact that you used the word disobedient is disturbing!
It’s always a step child they are talking like this about!!! As if the child’s a bad dog to rehome!!! Lady you shouldn’t be a step mom !!