So you have a teenager!!! Smh
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Welcome to 16. Have you tried to build a bond with her. Take her shopping with you, movies maybe garden, play games etc. She’s a teen with two different homes. Saying you’ve never had issues with your children is comparing her. Saying yours are better and if you even talk about this in the house with her there thinking she can not hear you trust me she can. Also you kids are younger they will have their time. I wouldn’t be the sole disciplinarian to her, her dad should. She’s going to resent you if you think you can change her or shoe her better. She’s a teen remember when you were a teen. It’s normal to be acting such way. You also can make a no phone rule during certain times. Ask her to help make fair rules. Ask her what rules she thinks she should have. Also talk up her strengths. She likes making videos so maybe find her a class. Or show her different ways to video like take a hike just you her and dad and hand her a camera not a phone and say this is for you to take pictures. Etc. If she has other interest or strengths then nurture those. A bored teen is a troubled teen. Engage have pick out a dinner receipe, have her make a list, teach her how to shop on a budget, teach her to chop and cook. There is so much you can do. Have her invite her friends over. Make her part of the family she may not feel that way. Also your children know right from wrong since “youv e never had an issue with them” they have choices. She can not make anyone do anything. So you need to make it clear to your children that they are in control of their own choices. And give them consequences. Don’t use the excuse well they are following her. Who cares you need to put your foot down with yours and not be so blinded or quick to place blame. Your children know right from wrong and they are making their own individual choice to act in such a way.
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Let her listen to what music she likes. Teenagers are gonna stay up and sleep in…
If she’s doing inappropriate things with her phone or electronics… take them away and don’t give them back or block the things you don’t want her on.
Where are you going to send your kids when they start acting this way?
Are you treating her differently than your own?
Does she know you don’t want her there?
I wouldn’t exactly be friendly and loving if I knew I wasn’t wanted there
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It sound like your husband needs set boundaries and so does her mom because if one house doesn’t and come to and agree with the ex wife
𝙸𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚖𝚊𝚣𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚓𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚢 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚢 𝚑𝚘𝚖𝚎, 𝙸 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚎 mrs Olgusya Gribova 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛. 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚑𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚝𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚑𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚎𝚝. 𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚘𝚛
I’d suggest counseling, and be sure to find a good counselor. You need to shop around for a good fit, like one with comon sensed, that is willing to listen to you, without a ready-made jugement. Credentials are just half the makings of a top notch professional.
What little I read about your situation, in my opinion, it sounds like she is resentful (jealous) of the fact that you were not a big part of her younger life. She has siblings that have your attention, that she never got. She might be sabotaging her siblings relationship with you, purposely creating problems between you and your spouse, and defying you…all as a way to feel ‘in control’ and get ‘even’ with you because of your absence in her former years. This is just a guess. I do not know all the facts here.
I say don’t give up on her. She needs you and her dad. By not giving up she will realize when she becomes an adult that you were just looking out for her. 16 is still young and its hard when your a teenager. She’s still making something of herself with friends, school etc. She will come around eventually. Just explain to her she is the oldest and then ask her if she would want her siblings following her foot steps (then give some examples). The more you make a big deal about things the more she will do it. Pick your battles wisely. Ask yourselves “is this really worth the battle/argument”. If it is then talk with her, if its not then let it go and save it for something bigger. I hope this helps.
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Well first off she’s a teen in a new day and age and life is changing and kids are sucked into it. Next, you do seem a little strict and sure your kids grew up that way and they knew that’s how you were and in her mind you aren’t her parent and she shouldn’t have to listen to you. So try being her mom. Try talking to her and see what’s going on in her brain. If I knew someone was trying to get rid of me I probably wouldn’t care for them either. Would you send one of your children off to someone else if they acted out or would you work to fix it. You both need to talk things out and share your feelings and in the end you are the adult and you have to be the person she needs
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Imagine being mad cause your child listens to the kind of music they want and stays up late. Now the other stuff I understand but I stayed up late throughout school and stuff. Sounds like you have a 16 year old.
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Sounds like a 16 year old. At 16, I watched what I wanted, listened to what I wanted, and pulled all nighters all the time. Her behavior is not uncommon. You think your children are perfect angels and that she’s the devil coming to corrupt them. You’re just trying to sweep her under the rug and I guarantee she knows that. Goodness.
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Find something you have in common with her,then the two of you take time to bond over that.Being a step parent isn’t easy, but you have to make the effort to see things from her perspective. Get the stick out of your ass and try listening to her music with her and ask why she likes it.Alot of times people listen to music because it helps them to cope with what they are going through.Im not just saying this to be an ass I have been a step parent so I know it’s hard .You should always treat all the kids the same none of them should ever feel like step children. You are a family now.
So many of you just say she us a normal teen—we raised 4 children , now mature, hard working, responsible adults and never had these issues. But then we had a different background, were married, then had our children in a united home with hard working parents who were considerate of others need for sleep, regular hours so all could reasonably function, and follow a schedule that required sleep, praised and appreciated for work done, knew that they had to attend school but sometimes that didn’t happen—they too did things that didn’t fit our pattern but were always loved and accepted in spite of their sometimes having to learn the hard, painful way of discovering WHY we had rules and morals. They attended church but weren’t perfect yet knew they had a caring, loving God to turn to for loving support.
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You’re not wrong at all. Don’t take any other comment to heart. People are mean. You can’t allow her to bring your own children down. Stay on it and work with your husband and do what’s best that you can both agree on. It’s not easy living in joint families but that’s what today’s world is. Good luck!
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Some kids r just assholes and that’s life 
Send her back to her mum
She sounds like a normal teenager and you sound like the type of stepmom that made my life miserable growing up. If she is acting out there’s a reason for it so focus less on the fact that she is your STEP daughter and more on figuring out the root cause.
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If you want her to move out, her Dad needs to move out with her. She was his kid before you were anything to him.
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I honestly don’t feel as if your “trying” has been your absolute best effort. The tone in which I read this in just feels as if she’s more of an inconvenience than anything. Throw in the fact she’s 16 and the only kid there with a different Mom and it makes me understand her a little more. You speak of all the negative things that have happened as a result but what about taking into consideration what some positive reinforcement might do? Make her want to play the role an older sister actually has. Involve her more. Make her feel special. Do something with her to where she might even smile instead of focusing of all the things she’s doing wrong
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Poor kid doesn’t seem she’s wanted 
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I think several have had the same issue. My sister sure did. That’s a hard call. Counseling should help. She needs a wake up call. Do any kids do chores? Lay down the law. What your doing is not working. Find different ways.
Family counseling and testing to see if she chronically lies and not aware of her lying.
She’s acting like a normal 16 year old, it gets better in a couple years when they get older. Show her love, make sure she knows you love her and want her there. A lot of kids act out when all the want is attention and to feel wanted in a blended family. She may feel like the outcast. Take her to do things with just you and her, mainly things she enjoys even if you don’t care for it.
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Take charge. You are the boss. No phone. No tablets, I pads, anything with internet access. Ugly music? Remove the source of the music. Sleeping all day? Make a list of chores for later since she wants to work the night shift. Don’t allow her to go out until she learns how to act. Hard to get that MJ when you’re home. Every time she mouths off, take something. And I mean take it. Don’t ever give it back. Does she drive? Lock up her keys. She may hate you in the moment, but she will thank you later in life.
I read once having a step parent in the home increases the child’s chances of being abused by 200% yes 200%…
Love his daughter as you would love your own. How would you handle it if she was your own daughter? Tossing her out would probably not be an option.
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All behaviours are a form of communication. This poor girl has experienced trauma through her parents divorce. She’s had major changes in her life. You stated your trying to “show her the better way” by telling her what music to listen to, what time to go to bed, by grounding her and taking things away. And your wondering why this isn’t working??? Children act out when they believe they have no control over their lives. How about trying to connect with her on a human level. Allow her to express her true feelings in a safe environment where you listen instead of trying to fix. Listen dont lecture. Validate her feelings, no matter what they are as they are true to her. Give her some choices allow her to listen to whatever music she likes but she must wear headphones so the other kids can’t hear. Punishment doesn’t work for kids who have suffered trauma it only increases the behaviours. If you really want to help her, you and her father need to be calm, patient and loving giving her safety and stability. She deserves that.
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It is hard and I applaud you for stepping up to the plate. You are the step-mom and her Father needs to set boundaries. I think sending her back to her Mother may not be the right thing unless you can’t do anything else. He should talk to her and let her know that she is so important to him and he loves her and has her back. It is up to him to set some rules and you step back and let her know you love her. If this does not work then place some consequences on her like taking away social media, grounding, and maybe counseling. It is so hard and I sympathize with you because I have a daughter that is pretty much like yours. She is grown now but dealing with a 16 year old that knows everything sucks. Good luck.
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From personal experience you’ll never win & your opinions are irrelevant. Tell him to leave & take her with him. You don’t want negative influences on your children.
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Would you be saying all of this if she wasn’t your step daughter?
Try connection and love and remember what being 16 is like. She’s going to do what she’s gonna do so you can either push her away or give her a safe space
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He father left her emotionally for you. Think about it.
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She has no intentions of changing? She’s a growing gal, she’s got her whole life to discover 
You’ve done more than her own mother? Be accepting, because that’s what you would want. Jussayin
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You’re trying to control things that are definitely losing battles. She’s going to listen to whatever music 16-year-olds listen to and you’re only gonna make her not like you
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If she were your daughter you probably wouldn’t throw her out? Being a step parent is hard. Harder than a bio parent at times (in my opinion) but also extremely rewarding when you can finally break past their distrust and their lack of respect. Love her. Teach her. It sounds like she may need counseling and possibly even medication if she’s smoking pot and such? Fight for her so that she knows that you’re willing to do anything to help her and it will give her a reason to be something better 
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maybe counselling for your self. Would fix this control you’re trying to have over a teenager
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How does she acquire vapes? Pot? Make TikToks and Snaps? Number 1. Take that phone away or put parental locks on it. She’s not old enough to purchase a vape so who is buying that? How is she getting pot?
Seems to me you need to set some huge boundaries.
Why is she allowed to go out if she acts up? Or have friends over if she acts up?
I would start by a serious talk and tell her how much she is loved and cherished AND then the phone would have a parental lock put on it and no outside friends hanging out unless they come over and hang out near you all.
It seems she’s out of control bc maybe you are letting her do what she wants instead of dealing with it.
As for YOUR kids those are YOUR kids and their life would get back on track and when they thought disobedience was fun, well they would get grounded or however you discipline your own children.
That house would be run like the military! It can be done. Put your foot down and stop worrying about kids feelings.
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Unpopular opinion but you are lashing out instead of realizing her actions are a cry for help. Does she get love and attention from her mom? Does she spend time alone with her dad? Or is she always just getting backlash for her attitude. We tend to forget kids don’t know how to express their feelings always. Maybe have her dad take her in a daddy daughter date. Or you do the same. Seems like you guys are just coexisting around each other instead of listening and learning each other. Kids rebel for everything. It’s about finding mutual grounds especially since you haven’t been in the picture her entire life. I’m a step mom myself. It isn’t always easy but I’ve taken the time to talk to my step daughter and see what’s bothering her. Taken her to do stuff and show her I love her unconditionally. We’ve definitely had done rough patches but we’ve worked through them. Being a step mom isn’t easy but it’s worth it.
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You sound shitty, I’m surprised she doesn’t WANT to go live with her mom.
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I agree 
with Bridget, I’m a blended family my husband has 3 kids I have 2 kids. It was complete chaos at first. We have been together for 5 years and I still struggle with his youngest (she’s 9) wears what she wants, does what she wants and a good example the older kids 14 year olds went outside at 10:30pm to sit at the outdoor table. I told the younger girls they were staying inside I didn’t want them out there this late. She called her mom crying, her mom freaks out on my husband and comes and picks her up. This is exactly why she does it. To get attention, at first her mother was always taking her side but now 5 years in she comes over and talks to her with us. But her mom has different rules for her and that’s fine, we have to respect that but I expect our home rules to be followed by all our kids, not just certain children. So I get the frustration but you dedicated yourself to a relationship and if a child is involved, you knew that….you dedicate yourself to that child as well! Blended families are hard! But SOOOO worth it. Tighten up your boot strings and get back to work. Parenting is never easy but one issue at a time. You don’t want to make her feel like you want to change everything about her. Start with the music and make restrictions on where she can listen to it, like in her room or with her headphones? So it doesn’t effect the other kids. Choose a day once a week and spend quality time just her and you and just her dad and her. It will help…the Mary Jane and vaping that’s not something we tolerate at ALL. We threw our 18 year old out for it. Our kids don’t choose to have that around them. At 18 I sent him outside when he decided he wanted to vape. He did it in the room with his little brother and his little brother hates any type of drug. We threw him out and now he knows our boundaries and what expected and the consequences. Tough love with that is absolutely necessary!
I would first get her into therapy. Then I would do family therapy with all parties involved. It is necessary to get this under control before you can’t. Who knows maybe she has issues she’s not comfortable telling any of you. It’s possible. She’s going to hate it at first but you have to make her go.
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She probably misses her mom,more than she’ll admit…She can feel ur dislike
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All you can do is show her love and be the best bonus mom you can be… communication is the key but unfortunately with some kids or situations it just doesn’t work…just curious though why isn’t she at her moms?? How often does she go there?? She absolutely needs to visit often if it’s a safe environment she probably misses her momma and gets jealous seeing you with your kids
You answered your question. She’s 16. When kids are 16 they’re assholes. Just make sure they know you love them and will be there for them when they need to. Because if they turn and you’re not there, trust me, someone or something will be there for her if you’re not. And more than likely it won’t be positive
Save your children! If the father doesn’t do something about this behavior, then you don’t have a chance to change it! But you can get your kids out of there before they get worse!
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You were once her age… it’s not easy for them or the parents to navigate, let alone when it’s a blended family. Try connecting with her vs correcting her. Maybe she just needs more from her parents right now.
Dad has to take on the role of setting and inforcing boundaries and you have to go along with that. That doesn’t mean you can’t come to agreements on decisions regarding discipline as a team…but it needs to be discussed.
I met my step daughter when she was two, it was love at first sight for me but not for her, she hit me kicked me, bit me and called me names. I got her in therapy and told her everyday that I wouldn’t leave her and I’ll love her no matter what. Now at 13 she has good grades is picky about friends and is respectful and loving. It takes work, a lot of work and patience it took years for us to have this relationship. It’s worth it but it’s super hard.
Start with love and patience. Try counseling. Please don’t give up on her. This would be a self-fulfilling prophecy that no one loves or wants her. Are there consequences for the other children who are displaying the same behavior? She is at a pivotal point of her identity…talk to her, set boundaries, be consistent, and include her. Be stronger than her attitude 
First stop fighting with her over every little thing. Second seek a councillor.
It sounds like communication has completely broken down.
Sit down with her explain while you love her you hate the way she’s behaving right now.
Music ignore it, tik tok ignore it unless sexualising etc thats an issue. Going to bed what times are you setting?
Learn to negotiate/compromise.
Its hard to ignore stuff its hard to control stuff. You gotta learn to walk the middle learn.
Shes growing up not far off being an adult.
Patience is a virtue God knows they test it lol
Send her back to her mother!!!
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Tell her daddy to fix before you do.
Sooooooo, what you’re saying is you have a NORMAL teenage daughter! 
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Tome for her to live with her friends
She is a teenager, they all rebel. You sound very controlling and arrogant which is only going to make her behavior worse. It would probably be in HER best interest to go back to her moms, so she can get away from YOUR behavior 
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Not wrong at all. Demand respect in a loving way and if she won’t give it to you she won’t give it to others in the world and that’s why the world has gone to shit. Her behavior does need correcting. As parents, I’d involve her in community service every weekend and hard labor as much as possible. She needs some Jesus and guidance in her life
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Try empathy and connection instead of resentment and callousness. Build a loving relationship with her, research gentle parenting and stop looking at her negative behaviour as something personal- it’s not. This girl requires connection and acceptance. Sucks being the step kid, the odd one out, not being wanted. Stop being so judgy- bad music? Really? Smh
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What would you do with her if it was your biological daughter? Give up on her and find a place to ship her off to? NO!! Your husband came with a package deal. You have another daughter to deal with for his sake. Put your big girl panties on and deal with her. Love your blended family and find a way to fix it!!!
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She’s 16 and you want to control her music…
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So, you have a normal teenager on your hands. Maybe you should stop trying to be so strict. So, she likes music and tik toks amd she probably lies because of the way you treat her. She knows you don’t want her, she knows you think she is disobedient. Why don’t you try to be there for her and except her for who she is, literally none of it sounds abnormal so I would stop making her feel like she is.
She isn’t the issue, you Don’t seem.to want her there and she knows it & feels it regardless of what you say and do. 
Make sure you make her feel loved. Pray for her daily, cover her with God’s protection, continue to set limits and structure. She obviously didn’t have a firm but loving environment and mostly likely didn’t have a good example.
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I have a daughter who will be 13 in October, and I’m pregnant with another baby girl due in a month. I have always said to my daughter that she can come to me with absolutely anything and I will help her in any way I could. I’ve always wanted her to learn from my mistakes rather than get hurt and deal with consequences with her own. Another thing in regards to weed, I’d much rather my kids experiment with weed in my presence than with people I don’t know. Weed is weed. It’s not going to hurt but being around the wrong people could.
But why is your way better, though? And who decided curse words are “ugly” anyways? God you sound awful lmao send her to me, I would love a daughter.
Well…. Don’t you sound like a delightful person….
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Some of these comments on here 
“send her back ……” All hell would break lose if it was a man saying that about his step child……
My one n only comment is gonna be where tf do you get off thinking you have any clue about the better way? Cause here you are honestly just talking shit so in my eyes your worse than the 16yr old child.
I don’t envy you. It’s is difficult situation sometimes even children can’t be help. If she can’t fallow to rules of your house then hard fact of life she will need to learn. Do your best to be patient and keep trying so that maybe one day she would understand. Before send her off maybe have a heart to heart with everyone even have your own children to understand the dynamics of why this situation is so disheartening to you and everyone involved so that understanding can be made and compromises can be reach. I wish you luck hope something works for you’s
Wait until your 2 are teens 
You sound like my mom. I couldn’t pick my clothes, my music, my food, my anything. The tighter she gripped, the more control she lost. Your step daughter isn’t accepting anything of yours because you won’t accept anything of hers. It’s a give n take
Accept her as your own daughter (not step daughter)then you will see that she’s just a normal teenage
My 1 was like yours but the day I took her as my own alot changed and I don’t regret it♥️
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Some do this, appearing to push you away and behaving like this, to see if you will desert them, and tell them to leave, its negative attention seeking and makes it very hard
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I don’t know but it sounds too much as Her. It sounds as if everything is Her fault and your own kids carry no blame. It just doesn’t sound as if you are treating her the same as your children. Maybe too much Her this and her that. Good Luck but maybe share out the blame and share out the Love