I have three kids with my ex. He currently has custody of them because my living situation was not the best at the moment. I have known him for almost 15 years, and throughout those years, there has been plenty of verbal and mental abuse. He has used my current situation against me to get whatever he wants out of me. We talked a while ago about changing our kid’s last names from my maiden name to his name. I was okay with it at first, but now I am second-guessing it. He has done and said a lot to get what he wants since my whole situation has started. And if I try to fight back, he brings up child support. I have no issues paying child support and taking care of my kids. But at the same time, I know the money will not go towards my kids. His wife controls their money. She gets to spend as she pleases, and he would always complain about how he had no money for anything because she would blow through his paychecks. So my worry about paying child support is it not actually going towards my kids. We are supposed to do the name change in a couple of days, and I am second-guessing it because I think he is only doing it to have more power and control over me. But I am also worried that if I don’t go through with it that I am just subjecting myself to more name-calling and put-downs like he always does to me. What would anybody else do in my situation?
Get legal advice if you can
Honestly, I wouldn’t do it just because its a connection to the kids, but it really makes no difference what their last name is in the battle ahead. I feel badly for you as my best friend endured a similar situation. Keep fighting to see them as often as you can so they always know you are trying.
I wouldn’t do it. But since he has them shouldn’t he be able to do it anyways?
Sounds like u need to get ur stuff together and get ur kids. The last name is the least of ur worries.
Don’t do it. If they want to do that on their own when they’re older welcome it. But that’s all they know. Don’t add any more trauma and craziness in their life. Let them keep their fucking name at least!
Wow First of all child support is used to raise the child Do they have food Clothes a roof over their head Why shouldn’t u be helping w that And if he is raising them idk why the last name matters
You should be paying child support, because regardless of what they do with the money, they are still taking care of your kids. Unclear what child support has to do with name change. Pretty sure he can petition court anyways since he’s probably on birth certificate. You could always offer having kids have last name hyphenated, and that way kids win with both your names.
Nope nope nope. Dont do it
Go back to court to modify your custody order.
So you want “control” over the name and support because you don’t want HIM to have “control” over the name and support. Girl get your priorities straight!
If he takes the name issue to court it is very likely he will get it anyway, at least and especially for any children who are boys and can pass on the name. As for child support, court will probably accept that too if he asks for it because he’s got custody.
You need to try to find an attorney before you go to court if possible.
Dont change thier names…tell him to kick rocks…get yourself cleaned up and start acting right if not for yourself do it for your kids…if cant then maybe they should be with the father…get yourself right girl…take care of them babies and yourself and you wont need him for anything.
Dont change it. It’s too confusing to the children and may cause them difficulty in the future proving identity.
Also, that is his side of the story! I’m sure he’s paychecks are going towards a roof over your childrens head! And food on the table!
If your current situation is not the best then focus on getting you better and situated so that you can get your kids back … the name and child support are minor details … the kids need a healthy and safe place to live with either parent
I’m surprised you haven’t consulted FREE LEGAL AIDE or a lawyer on this. Do it now to know what fall out there is fi you do or don’t. Each state is different. I would work more on getting custody back, job and home, your kids need that more than name change crap.
Ask the kids. As far as child support is concerned if he takes you to court for not paying it’s 10x worse. I’d give him the money directly. Use money orders so you have proof you paid.
I wouldn’t change their names. First, because it’s their name, and what they are used to. Second, why cause confusion for the kids just to stoke his ego…or keep him from seeking child support from you (you are their mother and are responsible for it anyway if they don’t live with you). Third…do you really think that by doing what he wants he will miraculously stop calling you names and treating you badly…and WHY is that your biggest fear? You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life and get it together and be a decent mother to your children.
Sry but I wouldn’t be doing anything like that, I’d be focused on working my butt off to get my kids back, if he was abusive to you, what makes you think he’s not abusive to his new wife in front of your kids, the cycle continues. So no don’t give them his name and work 5 jobs if you have to, so you can quickly better your living situation and get your kids back.
Stop taking any action until you feel more comfortable.
They should have their father’s last name. If they have clothes on their back, food in their belly, and what they need, so what!
Sorry, I’m sure I’ll take some heat for this but, most judges give primary to the mother. If you’re in a situation that the judge said no, that’s on you. Don’t blame anyone else. 
It’s astounding how many people don’t understand how child support works. Your part is to pay. That’s it. You don’t really get to have an opinion on “where the money goes” but I can assure you that if the kids are taken care of, roof is over their head, clothes on their back, food is in their belly then they are prioritizing the children first. Also, the money isn’t going to the children if you don’t pay either so you’re really left with no choice but to trust that it does 
You are worrying about them not taking care of the kids when it sounds like you can’t take care of them. Do you know how hard it is for the mom to lose custody? The fact that a judge granted him full custody over you speaks a lot already that he’s probably a good dad. Also, if he is in the picture their last name should definitely be his. I think it’s weird that you want it to stay yours. My ex-husband is mentally/verbally abusive to me and he is not the best dad but they still have his last name. Get your life together and work on getting at least 50/50 custody. If you struggle with co-parenting then there are co-parenting apps you can download and use that are monitored.
Don’t do it ! Name callings & put downs will continue no mater what you do or don’t do until the day he dies ! It’s all about control for him ! Give him nothing! Get your self together & get your kids back !
Give them both last names
it’s like you should get your life together do for your kids and don’t worry about the last names because if he wanted to put the kids his last name he would have done itin the first place why worry about the last name that should be your last non worried thing in the world your kids come first
Just pay the support, let them have his name, and as long as they’re safe and taken care of, handle it!
If your not providing for them but him and his woman are then where the money goes shouldn’t concern you. As long as your kids are fed, clothed, housed and not being abused it shouldn’t be an issue. As far as the name change thats something that should be re discussed if your having second thoughts
You should be more concerned about getting your kids back than about what their last names are. Whether you do it or not doesnt give him anymore or less control.
Power through it darling. This narcissist can’t have everything. Child support has nothing to do with their last name.
It sounds like he’s looking out for the best interest of the child or children. The children are living with him and it’s probably hard for them because they have a different last name. It cost a small fortune to raise a child. I would think you would wanna support your own children as much as you can. It’s no longer about you and it’s no longer about him it’s about those children. Also what you said about his wife is never OK. She’s over there helping raise your children.
Paying rent . Buying food . Paying Bill’s for the home is all for the kids as well . So really sounds to me like you should be giving him money . If it was him not paying I’m sure you wouldn’t be as nice as he is being on the issue .
Don’t do the name change and I’d be getting me a lawyer to try to get my kids back, if that’s possible.
You shoukd be paying child support regardless of where the money is going to. That is your obligation. That is just like a man telling a woman “I won’t pay you child support because it won’t go toward the children.” Double standards don’t work that way. If his wife is taking care of your kids and they have food to eat and a roof over their heads, who the hell cares where it goes to. You need to prioritize what is important for the children.
Why do they not already have his last name?? A judge will side with him on names and support. Worry more about the fact that he does have a decent living situation for the kids. Learn to try and co parent now cuz you will only hurt your children.
Don’t let him change you child’s last name it will really be a confusion on the part of the children. Do something about your current situation look for a job even get 2 or more jobs so you can support your kids or save money so that you can get them, for the meantime let the father take care of them. When you have saved enough then get them and be a good mother to your children. You can do that and stay away from that person who always mistreated you and bad mouthed you no one has the right to do that to anybody.
So he and his wife are raising them? You arent even helping financially? He should have their last name.
If it isn’t broken dont try to fix it! Leave everything alone. You and your children know who they are and what expectations there are. Changing their last name will just cause unnecessary upheaval. If you are ordered to pay child support, you should be paying it. It doesn’t matter where the money is going and what it’s being used for. You should abide by the court’s order.
Why should they have his name and you don’t?
If you’re that worried where the money will go. Buy them what they need. Clothes shoes food etc etc.
And well give them both last names.
Keep the name, pay child support and fix whatever is not good in your life to have your kids back.
Be careful what you are signing. He may have other motives and he may actually be tricking you into signing over your rights. Read carefully whatever he presents to you. Get your shit together so you can raise your own kids or let him keep them and you pay child support as you should.
You can Joun both your names together and - Them we did
Why do they dont have his surname in the first place???
If he did wanted that his name would have been on thier birth certificate from day one…
Anywho i strongly believe he is cooking up something… just be carefull… kids dont need no change of name…
He insults u etc… makes me wonder what his wife does go through???
Girl stabalized yourself … pay ur child support… get ur kids back…
Instead of worrying about names you should be talking to CPS about the child support not going toward the care of your kids. You also need to get yourself together and be there for your kids. They deserve parents that have this shit together if they want to have any chance of not ending up as dysfunctional as the two of you sound like you are. So get your act together
Don’t do it! Your right he can use it against you later.
get kids back/ditch it!4 good!
Leave as is. The kids are use to the last names they have y change it now especially if he’s your ex
I would leave the kids’ names alone and if yours isn’t the same as theirs I would change it. Secondly I would only communicate through text message that way I could use all the name calling and such in court. Otherwise he can deny it all.
Why is he so concerned with changing their name i would not do it at the end of the day it should be the childrens choice when they are of age to decide and as for child suppory i wouldnt pay that either id buy them what they needed myself that way you know its being spent on them… take some control back never let anyone control you!
You NEED a good LAWYER hun - My worry is he GOOD to the kids?? My HUGE CONCERN is the kids & LAST NAME – WOULD he put the kids (named changed) on a INSURANCE POLICY $$ for payout in case of DEATH. Sorry to speak of such EVIL but when reading this post INSURANCE $$$ came straight into my head … PLEASE SPEND THIS $$ ON A LAWYER instead of STEP-MOM. you’re EX sounds like a SNAKE-OIL SALESMAN - who is using the kids to keep you down as a human who DESERVES compassion for your suffering so desperately that you would even consider leaving them with an ABUSIVE man to you - with kids are at his MERCY - ANY of your FAMILY able to help over this RECOVERY time you need desperately OR you would NOT even be thinking of this. Has he VERBALLY ABUSED you into thinking this kids are better with him & little miss shopper?? PLEASE CONTACT A FAMILY LAWYER - your kids deserve to KEEP the NAME that they’re given… PLEASE ALL MY WORDS COME FROM ONE MOM TO ANOTHER.
If they are feeding and housing the kids it is none of your business how they spend the money… And if he is abusive and controlling why would you believe for a second that hes telling the truth about the wife? Stay out of his life, do right by your kids and keep proof of what you paid with receipts. People can lie about you of they choose but when your kids ask, youll have evidence
Nope 
there’s no reason for manipulating n control over anyone n that’s what it seems is happening? Your kids are fine a name doesn’t make things better I’d let it be n just keep doing what’s best priority for your kids ,buy them clothes school supplies n keep all receipts gas money to n from anywhere involving kids !!cover your butt cause he’s shown you already what he’s capable of? Keep all messages n verbal written things in case needed -
I was pissed when my exes relatives changed the last names of our 3 kids. They had his last name to begin with, so for his OWN family to take that away from their grandchildren is disgusting… i hate my kids father with a passion but they still deserved his last name and not the last names of his relatives who took custody… as for child support, i don’t blame her one bit for not wanting the wife to blow her money. Maybe there is a way to work it out that she buys what they need each month and keep receipts.
Their names have NOTHING to do with controlling the situation. Idk your situation, but don’t be a deadbeat and pay your child support! Its none of your business what he spends it on, just like it would be none of his business if he was paying you
I would not change names. It wont make a difference. He is controlling and abusive and that needs to be addressed. If he cant respect you imagine what he is telling the children.Work at getting your children from him and let him know you will not tolerate his belittling you. You left for that reason and so NOT have to put up with it now. I would seek legal advise.
Dont let your kids be your weakness. But, if it doesnt feel right doing it. Dont.
Not sure of situation but if he’s so manipulative you don’t have your kids, get a solicitor
they’re used to their names. why change it? it makes no sense.
I’d never do a name change if the kids are older & in school already to confusing for them & have to change everything. Just leave it the way it is.
Do what you think is best. If you have any doubt though I would think long and hard before you make the final decision. I’d save as much money as you can to improve your living situation so you can regain partial custody. I wouldn’t let him control you with his name calling, etc. if he realizes it doesn’t work to control you he may eventually stop 
Sounds to me like you are looking at it wrong. He has control because you haven’t realized that you do. You have something HE wants. Turn it around and use it for leverage and stop letting him make you feel like a victim. Having control over that name is a BIG DEAL. I would postpone the day of name change and I would map out a plan. He can be mean and collect child support, sure but if so he would NEVER get those names. You cannot be certain he will not do everything the day after the change so why give up your ONE thing to take back your power. Think about it. Good luck.
Keep names as is and improve your living situation and regain custody of your children
If he is involved with his children I don’t see why changing their last name to his would be a problem. It’s for your kids. Not him
If you really dont want to change the names, you dont have to sign the papers. If you think jts in the best interest of the kids, there shouldn’t be any legal issues about it.
Honest to God, what I would do is get fit to get them back. No name changes and get straight.
Go to court, let them know what is going on and keep all proof. If you are able to get your kids back and do not for any reason go through with changing their names.
I’m kinda in the opposite situation. I cut my ex out completely due to toxic ways and me putting my child’s mental and physical safety first. But my sons last name is his last name and I want my sons last name to be my last name. 
Do not budge and do not let him change their names! It definitely sounds like a control thing.
Sounds like he still controls you.
What do your kids feel about changing their names? It can be hard to change a name for kid if they dont want to, but also super easy if they do. I’m assuming your kids are between the ages of 6-12 give or take a few years from the length of your time together. Kids have an opinion at that age and it should be taken into consideration
Don’t do a name change, there is no reason to.
Keep paying child support.
Work towards better living conditions so you can have children live with you or at least have shared custody.
Don’t engage in verbal or written arguements.
By reacting back you are enabling the control to continue so work harder on yourself for the kids.
It sounds like he wants more control don’t change their names that gives you a leverage for control don’t let him overpower you don’t let his name calling bother you anything he says don’t let it bother you my husband was like this and I finally divorced him he has no power over me I didn’t get the kids right off I was like you it sounds like he wants more control don’t change their name that gives you a leverage for control don’t let him overpower you don’t let his name calling bother you anything he says don’t let it bother you my husband was like this and I finally divorced he has no power over me I didn’t get the kids right off I was like you didn’t have a place to live but within a year the kids were tired of him wanted to live with me. Don’t see him or talk to him don’t give him the time of day.
Ask what the kids need and go to the shops and buy it. Drop it off at he’s place, get him to pick it up or get him to pick it up from a relatives. Take photos of receipts. Don’t go through the name change if you don’t want too. They are your kids as well, you are their mother you have a say. Get on your feet as fast as possible and get 50-50 custody or fight to get them back to you. They are your kids and they deserve to know that you will fight for them and too be in their lives.
Ask the kids what they want as far as the name goes, and do that, even if it makes you unhappy. If they want to keep their name than woohoo for you. But no matter what you need to pay child support.
I guess I’m the opposite of everyone. They are his kids, why shouldn’t they have his last name?
Pay the child support? Do they have a home over thier head? Food in thier mouths? Clothes on thier backs? Things they need in life? Those things are not free and it’s not your call on what the money goes for. Bill’s take care of your children. So when those Bill’s get paid that’s called child support. Some how someone is paying to TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS. And a name change wont change anything but allow the kids to have thier dads last name. If he is on the birth certificates they are his children. FACT. So not only do you NOT pay support to help raise your kids you dont want them to have his name either? Sounds like they are in a good home now.
I’m not sure what state you live in and the laws, but in most states if he is on the birth certificate and takes care of them all he has to do is go to court and request it. Even if you don’t agree, he will be granted the name change for his children. If he is on the birth certificate and does take care of them, I personally don’t see what the issue is.
Child support can be spent however they please. If your kids live there think of gas money, think of mortgage, of food, entertainment for everyone. It’s all split up in the end to give the children a good life. And if step mom needs to go buy herself a pair of shoes with the money…she can do it! Those kids live there and raising kids is rough!
Tell him you want an account in the kids’ names set up at the bank that you and he can have access to, but not his wife. Only the parents of the children can deposit/withdraw from the account until the kids are a certain age.
Why not just hyphenate their last names by adding dad’s last name? Everyone wins?
As far a child support goes, you don’t get to pick and choose how it is spent. Child support is for housing, food, utilities, everyday necessities for the household - yes, it sucks that you can’t control how it is spent, but that is how it goes.
You will change the name and have to file for new papers on each kids. Which you will not be allowed to obtain because you dont have custody
Hyphenate their last name, give them both
Totally don’t know every part of the story but sounds like you are a bit bitter and perhaps you have every right to be BUT you should be paying child support. And nothing wrong with you agreeing for the children to have BOTH names.
Absolutely do not change their last names. Get your life in order & get your kids back
I kept my ex husband’s name so the kids wouldn’t have a different name than me. As a school teacher i knew what a parent goes through just for simple phone calls constantly explaining why your child has a different name than you. Kids teasing your kid because of it. Signing report cards field trip forms it’s endless. Do what’s best for your child keep whatever name they know
Why did you lose your kids? Living situation only? Drugs? Unfit parent? Why aren’t you happy that they are being cared for? You should be paying child support for sure and honestly it’s not any of your business how they spend their money in their house hold. I’m sure there’s alot more to this story mother’s don’t lose custody of their kids for being good mother’s
If they are old enough I would ask the kids what they want their name to be
That would be a couple hundred dollars, I would imagine. Don’t do it.
You can’t dictate what child support is spent on if your kids are clean, healthy, and fed with clothes that fit, then it’s none of your business what the money is spent on.
They were given a name at birth, they should keep it till they are 18. If at that time they want to change it, they are adults and can do it on their own.
don’t change the kids last name please i did that and it was a mistake
Do not do this lady!!!
You have no say where the child support goes. It isn’t money spent on wants, rather needs. Electricity, mortgage, food etc. As long as those needs are met, that’s all she wrote 
I wouldn’t do the name change, he can petition the courts if he wants it done. As for child support, you have no say in how it’s spent and if his wife is in charge of THEIR finances. Not your business, does not involve you, as long as your kids are taken care of. But you absolutely should be paying. Someone else is taking care of your kids! Get your life together and get you kids back. The same would be said if roles were reversed.
Hes ganna keep them …
I think there’s so much back story we don’t know … that it’s truly hard to give advice on this one. Pray about it and go with what’s best for the KIDS!!!
Let the kids decide when they’re 18 which last name they want.
Get a lawyer. We do not know enough of this story to give good advice.