I have zero advice to give. I just hope you have the strength to get through this dark phase and you and your kids are able to heal and be loving with each other again. Im so sorry your going through this.
I patented “your kids” in foster care. It is not how anyone should grow up. I know 2 of my boys parents had sent them to every program imaginable, had in home services, etc. One, the parent and step parent were 100% the problem. The kid had issues and behavior problems, but the parent/step made things 1000 times worse. The other was acting out due to severe severe trauma that he couldn’t verbalize until he had been with us a couple years when his brother was acting out the same way.
Both of those now young men were also abused in the very system they were put into to protect them.
Good luck. There are no real good answers here. Just reflect on what advice you have been given. Oh, look up the connected parent I think it is.
For that, I’ll let them take them away.
I have been going this with my kids
Sad part they’re adult and have no respect especially my fourth child
She has a little one as well
She’s so bad
And my youngest has no kids and was just as bad about disrespect
She no longer lives at home either
It literally breaks my heart
We didn’t raise them to be like this and I’m at a lost
I’m starting to have health issues and it’s like hey let’s see if get mom buried today
Maybe a big brother/big sister club where they have someone step in and take them places and do things with them to try and show them how to act responsible and it would also give them a break away from each other and the house. They are probably feeding off of each others negatively. I would also.try lots of outside activities where they can burn off energy.
I honestly don’t know how you do it. It takes a toll on your own system. When they are grown and out of the house you will be left with a poor immune system, and other illnesses from all of the stress you have had in your life.
Time to take everything away and lock up the valuables. All they need is a bed, blanket, cloths for a week, and food. When they run out of clothes they wash them not you. When they need fed they cook or help you cook.
Once they have done a weeks worth of chores the correct way you reward them with 1 hour of electronic time or phone.
Something is going on. Is there a history of trauma?
It starts at birth making them mind
You mentioned therapists and medication, so it sounds like it’s possibly something neurological? Are they neurodivergent? That makes a big difference due to lagging executive function. I would try to seek out different doctors, therapists, psychologists. Having the right team of professionals to support you, and them, makes a huge difference. I know it’s frustrating. Believe me. But piling on more hours at work won’t help this situation. Punishment won’t help because neurodivergent brains don’t process consequences normally. A neurodivergent brain developes 30% slower than that of a neurotypical brain. Their actual brain age when it comes to executive function (maturity, impulse control, decision making) is years behind their actual age. My best advice is to find the best support system available in your area. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s tough.
I know people who put their kids in group homes and itnreally helped ( not everyone has this experience but they were nuts and it worked )
Do they have a father in the home???
Sounds like they need some maleness…not being rude patronising or condescending in any way, i to am a single mumma and when my boy started acting up i sent him to pops for a holiday stint…pop has no wifi, lives off grid and has time to give that really helps my boy…
Sounds like a job for Dr. Phil
My prayers are with you parenting is the hardest job ever…
Thank you for being vulnerable and sorry you going through that. Since DCS is involved try getting them a behaviorist, mentor, and add them to after school programs that can keep them occupied and getting help. I am social worker and I work with youth like that every day and you’re not alone.
Where’s the father/Father’s?? Subs like you’re doing this alone… could be part of the problem
That sucks! I feel for bc my oldest pulled that exact “I’m gonna kill myself” with the cops so instead of jail they sent him to the mental home for a night but that straightened him out quick. I’m sorry ur going thru this. Raising teens in today’s world is hard bc today’s world babys these younger ones to where they can get away with whatever n the system will believe what they choose. I honestly don’t know what advice to give except let them go to jail or taken away to get a taste of the real world. Then see how big n bad they act! It may be the only way they’ll learn. They won’t like their freedom taken away. Being told when they can eat n sleep n being told what they can n can’t do!! I have a 14yr old who tries to rebel but I’ve had my bf n another friend who have been locked up talk to him about being in prison n now he is more obedient n doesn’t mouth off as much
So many perfect parents in here, Jesus.
Once you let your kids walk all over you when they are little it’s too late. Now you have teenagers who have never learned rules or consequences…
Sending you hugs, mama. I’m a single mom raising two boys, and it’s HARD. My oldest (8) doesn’t listen to consequences – unless he’s at his dad’s house and gets spanked hard. But I don’t want to use physical punishment like that, so he’s pretty disrespectful. (Plus, he’s learned from his dad on weekends that because I’m a woman, he doesn’t have to listen to me, so that’s been a WHOLE thing to deal with.)
I’m about to strip their room and just leave their bed, sheets, one blanket and pillow each, and clothes for a week to teach them to take care of their stuff. And to train them to throw away things when they’re done instead of just throwing them on the floor.
It’s hard. There’s no easy answers here, and it sounds like you’ve got it so much harder.
I have no advice, just solidarity.
Try to express to them how life will be if they continue vs if they aim and desire to improve.
Look up ABA strategies, perhaps you can look into what we do as BCBA’s and RBT’s. Good luck!
How old are they? There’s a ton of literature out there that I’ve found really helpful!
Maybe they are needing some one on one time with you even though they are definitely not communicating that thru their actions. Or something is going on at school that you aren’t aware of or with someone in the family. I know this is super hard but make sure you look at all the angles of why the behavior is happening and not just the behavior itself.
I get it, you’re mentally exhausted and want to give up, but these kids are screaming for connection. Behind every behaviour is an unmet need that they aren’t able to communicate with their undeveloped brain. Boot camps, sending them away, military school, taking everything away, and many other things which cause a divide in the parent child relationship that people are suggesting here, is only going to make things worse.
Take everything away. Make them wear the same clothes until their attitude changes. The embarrassment from peers should do the trick.
Sorry to hear it, my heart breaks for you, they were once your precious babies.
The modern kids these days just have no respect or morals despite being tough them.
It’s monkey see monkey do and the world is quite crazy from my days of growing up when the slightest wrong doing got you a hiding and grounded
Tough love and working longer hours just might be your savior.
Is there a dad in the picture?
Kids are too entitled these days and have no respect. Whoop their a$&! If they keep on telling they gonna kill themself to get attention , let them go be housed under suicide watch and sit there . Good luck
The Explosive Child (read it)
I DID nothing wrong an they dont have respect , an they are 4 middleaged adults . So leave them be on there own journey . AS MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER SINCE THERE ENERGY ISNT IN IT …
please don’t feel guilty about what needs to be done for you!
Been there done it surprised I survived! I can relate and I feel so sorry for you or anyone going through this!
Do you do things together? Have family dinners together? Vacations? Game night? Kids need a sense of connection and family. If you’re doing absolutely nothing with them but yelling at them then even that is attention and even negative attention is welcome to them. Look at what you have contributed to this situation. You’re the parent. It’s up to you and your partner to fix this is a postitive way. Also did you carry through with grounding or did you just threaten? Teens need rules and a parent who actually carries through with the punishment. Most parents just threaten but don’t actually discipline. That said teenage years are tough but they do end. Hang in there and try to engage more positively with your kids.
Do you have another parent or person around or are you going at this alone? Have you had the kids evaluated for mental illness? Have they been arrested yet? Have you talked to the school & see about help on some level? I’m so sorry you’re going thru this
It’s this New generation.
Sounds like my mate at work, kids that age know how to push n push mine were same n my daughters kid was like it too im so sorry youre going through this i sympathise i really do
Time for them to live somewhere else for a while .Each one in a separate home, that way they aren’t with each other.
By law your children do NOT need anything extra in their room, not even a door, all they NEED is a a bed, blanket, and clothes. Take everything away and give them only one weeks worth of clothing. If they want or need something from the things you took they need to earn it back or ask you, take the doors off their bedrooms and hang up a curtain. Once the week is up and their one week of clothes are dirty they do their own laundry if they don’t wash their weeks worth of clothes then they will be wearing dirty smelly clothes to school 🤷, do not cook them meals anymore (if they are old enough to make their own food) buy bare necessities when it comes to groceries. They want junk food? Well to bad. If they can’t respect you then they will have consequences. They want to act like adults they will be treated like such. Tough love. Stick to the punishments, constituency is key no matter how hard it gets. Do NOT give up. If it continues looking into military school and enforce it. Because they will realize how good they had it under your care. Also take each child to do something one on one time with you. So they don’t feel like you just always yell at them. They need attention and plenty of stimulation as well. Take a child to the movies, or lunch, etc. It could be a cry for attention and unfortunately they are dealing it in a negative way. As far as them being minipluative record them when they say they are going to kill themselves or lie about things they say to you vs DCFS, therapist, school, etc. Every time they say they are going to kill themselves take them to the hospital and put them on suicide watch and make them sit there and be miserable. If they say it because they aren’t getting what they want you just tell them well sorry you feel that way but I said no 🤷 and you keep up that kind of talk then you will be admitted to the hospital for suicide watch.
Probably should of started when they were younger
Whoop their a$$!!! When they threaten to kill themselves call 911 and have them put on a temporary psych hold. When they get out and do the same routine, even if it is 2 hours after getting out, call 911 again and have them readmitted. Start taking away all their extra toys, electronics, extra curricular activities, phones, cut the internet and cable at your house, take their doors off their bedrooms, don’t let them do anything outside of school and home or have any friends or family members of their age over, make them have chores, make them wash their own clothes, yes it is going to be a hassle for you, but you are at your wits end and something needs to give.
This is why you dont be your kid’s friend or try to baby them through life. Pop their butts and teach them respect at a young age and they will have it for life. Send their butts to jail for a few hours. Pills and therapist dont teach a kid respect. It makes kids resent the hell out of you for pushing that on them. Got to show you are the parent early in life. Also…got to spend quality time with them to to establish a bond. Firm yet caring raising. Got butt whoopings as a kid but i deserved them young. Didnt affect me mentally other than learning respect for my elders. Got older and was on best behavior so wouldn’t get my butt whopped anymore. Last one i got was when i was 10 and it was just embarrassing bc was in front of my friends and i didnt deserve it,so that was only one i didnt appreciate.
Now…only thing you can do is scare them straight. Call the police to take them to jail for a little while and put the fear of God in them. If that doesnt work…boot camp. You failed teaching them respect…now someone else needs to be called in that will.
Im not sure what words i can offer…my son (after his dad walked out on us for a different women and showed her kids more love then him ever) started acting out bad. He is autistic. But I went for a walk with just him. Talked to him…let him just empty his mind…told him say what ever you want. He did. He was unsure who to be mad at and because i was the only parent left at home i took the brunt of his anger. We had a talk about it. Told him to stop and think who is he really mad. Then what can we do about it. How can we make it better. It helped. We still have some issues after hes dad comes and spends time with him(and its just whenever he gets around to it) he loves hes dad but is still so mad at him. Its a conflict within him. I just remind him that he needs to focus his anger remember what you are mad about, and what we can do about it. ALWAYS LISTEN FIRST to them before yelling or getting mad. I know it can be hard but there have been times ive told him to set on the couch eat a sandwich and ill be back to talk…so i can get calm before dealing with him. Its hard enough in this world as an adult…but its just as hard on a kid…they needed love and understanding all the time. Make sure they feel loved. When i go to store i only take one of my 3 kids at a time…its great alone time…they all get turns ( 14 13 and 12yrs) they all look forward to it. They have time to get stuff off there chest if they want…we talk about what ever they want…they pick out dinners they want…and usually we swing by a fast food place for a cheap burger…i know it doesn’t sound like much…but they love it…its special one on one…
Get Help to Be a Family and if you stay away, yell, tell them how Bad they are and they know you’ll get rid of them … they feel lost and what does it matter…the One person who should Care…Doesn’t. GET HELP !!!
If you know that your mental health is getting worse - both you and your kids deserve a vacation without each other - and if that don’t work, that’s the time to find a replacement home for them if the father is around let him have them for a moment
Oh yes I was going to say look into military school as well, one of my daughters was 5 and I could not handle her, I started looking into military school. She was so bad I wouldn’t even let her stay with me when her father was not around. She went to school and then he would pick her up and she would go with him to work. She has gotten better, she is 13 now, but I have also learned she requires a lot of one on one time with me. So I try extra hard with her. It will get better, just be very consistent and don’t give up.
Social media can be a big influence, whether it be positive or negative. Deeling with a similar situation of a person I know. All there influences and people have made a huge negative impact from social media. Alot of good opinions and options many have listed. Look to them, and please ignore the wankers trying to bash ya.
It drives me crazy when parents say “it’s this new generation. So disrespectful and unruly blah blah blah”…um no it isn’t! It starts at home and with parenting. Nice cop out to not take responsibility
I’m just shocked anyone is sitting here blaming the kids! WHY do you think they act the way they do? Absolutely no accountability for the mother?!?
Just remember that as a parent it’s your job to be there for them…but its also your job to teach them appropriately and if that means some tough love, then so be it. Want to threaten suicide? Talk to an accute mental health care worker and they can arrange suicide watch…ask for a harsh one. I had a friend who would threaten suicide ad a wY to manipulate and she was put in what was essentially a cell with a jumpsuit that did up the back so she couldn’t get out of it and use it to kill her self, the bed is basically a patch on the floor with a light Hessian throw that will Essentially crumble I’d ant weight is applied (again to stop people using it to harm themselves) she was told that each time there was concern for her life, she could go stay there. She quickly stopped. They respect nothing, give them nothing. Take away all privileges, don’t cook for them and let them essentially fend for themselves a bit. There needs to be more tough love and maybe we wouldn’t have so many entitled, rude, criminal shit kids around.
Kids act out for reasons. See what’s going on in their heads. Remind them that if they don’t smarten up fast they’ll be living somewhere else.
Is there a school anywhere near you for emotionally disturbed children? Might help. Start a Go Fund Me page if you need help with tuition.
Hope you are in therapy to help you cope.
Where is dad in all this? Do you have family members who can take the kids or even do one at a time to give you a break? How about organizations that provide respite care?
I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can.
Invite university grad programs, professors and students in behavioral studies to observe and work with your kids. Bonus is they will have the most current information for diagnoses & many heads working on a problem are better than one.
Maybe check hormones, endocrine, genetic issues as well as behavioral/mental.
I read a book called “Your Difficult Child” and it helped me a lot. I had a child with ADHD, ODD, the other was difficult in her own way, but after her brother, she seemed easier. Both grew up into wonderful people, are employed and married to lovely people.
Family meetings held regularly where everyone gets a chance to talk and express problems, things they want and then all brainstorm as to what solutions can be found might help. Any complaints go on an agenda and aren’t brought up until the meeting. Tell the complainer and everyone else to think of solutions before the meeting. Only one person talks at a time; it helps to have something for the speaker to hold to reinforce this. After the person is done, others can ask questions to clarify the problem. Then go around the circle (pass the object) and each person can offer a solution. Then discuss what’s doable and can be implemented. I’d keep your agenda items to one a week so it isn’t overwhelming. If no full or partial solution is found, table it until the following week and ask everyone to research and ask others about possible solutions to bring to the meeting.
Giving people some measure of control over their lives helps a lot. I’m sure your kids feel out of control under it all. Sometimes just letting them (and you!) be heard helps a lot. It also gets people to focus on solutions rather than defiance. It may take a while to make this a productive habit and adhere to the rules, but don’t give up.
Break things down into the smallest tasks. Instead of “I wish you would clean your room,” start with I wish your dirty clothes would go in the hamper instead of on the floor. How can we make that happen?” Think outside the box: maybe have a specific time each day to put dirty clothes in the hamper. Rotate the person who gets to go around and inspect. If they suggest a cleaning person do it, ask how they’d pay for it. The next week ask for a solution to breaking dishes (not everything, just dishes, or toys, or furniture, or whatever).
Partial solutions work. Maybe no one will pick up their dirty clothes every day, but will do it one or more times before laundry day. Maybe it’s worth it to switch to paper plates & plastic cups and utensils if the kids break the dishes. Please buy recycled/biodegradable if you can. If you can’t get them to do all their homework, get them to focus on one class and do that.
Do you have fun or get exercise or do activities as a family? Add joy! Go to a swimming pool, visit a museum or gardens, or a trampoline park, an indoor climbing place, zip lining, ropes course, amusement park or carnival. See a movie in a theater, go bowling or ice skating or to a parade, festival, free fun event.
Have a picnic, shoot hoops together, do a fitness trail, rent bicycles, do an art project, learn some dance moves as a family, have a dance off, bake cookies, take a cooking class,
Do other things as a family like volunteer. Help out at an animal shelter, neighborhood, stream, other clean up event, or go “plogging” where you take a walk and pick up trash and recyclables along the way. If the kids won’t abuse them, foster kittens.
Go to different churches/religious institutions each week to see what they’re like. Attend Sunday School or equivalent, sign up for a short-term activity or class with each.
Learn together: watch podcasts, webinars or TED talks together and then talk about it. With certain rules (no porn, only reliable sources, only certain topics, must be an hour or less) let each family member have a turn to pick the video of the week.
Instead of yelling or making demands, ask a lot of questions calmly to make them think. “Why do you steal things? How might stealing affect your life as an adult? How do you think it makes me feel when I learn you have been stealing?” It’s important to stay calm and just listen afterwards and not react. Just listen. Only ask questions if you need clarification. “How do you think your disrespect could affect your ability to earn money? If you wind up in jail, how do you think that will affect your life as an adult? Why do you feel a need to disrespect me? What is the payoff of misbehaving? How do you think your attitude affects your friendships? Classroom learning?” “What do you think you can do to support yourself as an adult? Do you know anyone who does that? How do they like their life?” “What scares you most about life?” “Are you happy? Why or why not?” “Do you feel in control or out of control, and is that a good feeling or a bad feeling or a scary feeling?” “What makes you the happiest? What scares you the most” If you get a snarky answer, keep asking the same question periodically (once a week, maybe) until you get a serious answer.
Hug them and tell them you love them, even if it’s hard and doesn’t seem to be reciprocated. Visualize when they were infants and so cute and helpless in your mind.
Spend one-on-one time with each child. When they’re alone with you they might be more vulnerable vs. showing off their toughness in front of their siblings. Talk to them on walks where you don’t have to look at each other.
Take up meditation, martial arts or yoga to help calm your mind and give yourself a mental break. If the kids will take class/watch an instructional video with you, it might help them too. They will learn respect and discipline in a martial arts class.
I hope things get better for you! Feel free to vent or ask advice here any time.
If DCS has been /is involved you’ve done the counseling, therapist & they have been institutionalized. Talk to your worker about sending them to behaviors /military live in school for a year. I know it’s expensive but there are resources out there to help.
No such thing as New Generation Kids it’s starts with no meaning no
stop giving them everything they scream for stop trying to keep up with the Jones’s up they have no respect for their belongings take them away givecthem to the needy do not replace them stop giving them money lifts to where they want to go stop all privileges get a babysitter and get out of the house for your own mental health best of luck
I can say I know exactly where your coming from. This road isn’t easy, I’ve been doing it for 19 years. My oldest is 21, been diagnosed with bipolar,odd,ADHD, manic depression and anxiety disorder mixed with Asperger’s. Trouble started at 2and at 5 I asked for help. She’s very aggressive, has run away, kicked out of school, attacked everyone in the house. We’ve tryed hospitalizations, meds, therapy, but you can’t change someone who refuses. Right now we’re at the point she’s sitting in a hospital, we’re not allowed to know anything (haven’t heard from her in 5 days)and after she’s cleared is going to live in an AFC home because she almost broke her sister’s foot. This is just one thing of many and it has to stop. Her brother 20 is listed as having psychopathic tendacies he went to live with his step grandpa at 16. He was mean, thought he could come and go as he pleased. Went from honor student to getting kicked out. Then, my 17 year old has bipolar and spent 2 years in and out of jurvenile. She told the referee to fuck off and he put her in a program for 10 months. If you could find one it worked great! She graduated a year ahead and made the decision she wanted to change and just started college. Every situation is different and unless someone has walked in your shoes they can’t tell you what u should do. Unfortunately local hospital ran by the county suck and complain they cost to much to help. Taking stuff away, being the enforcer honestly makes things worse. My first 3 had no father involvement and I think that affected them as where my 4th at almost 13 hasn’t had any issues and has contact with her dad even though he’s in prison.
Gonna be real, my kids woulda already been sent to boot camp or somewhere they’d be miserable and disciplined.
I Have Gone Through This
You Have Done All You Can MOM YOU NEED TO CUT THE APRON STRINGS BEFORE YOU ARE NO LONGER IN COTORL OF YOUR ACTIONS
You can’t just blame the parent. I have friends with the nicest of parents who were sneaky lying trouble making little shits as kids. I also have a sibling who regardless of what my mum done for him it was never enough. For years he has threatened to kill himself as a way of minipulation, it’s abuse regardless if it’s coming from your child. Maybe people wouldn’t be so shy in sharing their concerns about their kids if we stopped shaming the parents. Get yourself some wine lady, sounds like you need it
Maybe you should put them somewhere else to stay for a while. If theyre separated and living away from you they will soon see just how good they have it and behaviour might change. It’s not easy but sounds like it needs done
I can relate…it’s been many years as my oldest is now into is 40s…but OMG! Can I relate! I can’t tell you how to get a head of them, but when the last straw snapped here was when my car was taken for a joy ride. Kids have no idea on consequences. So I put labor into action. The law says I can not beat them, it does NOT say I can not work them. Work them I did! 30 days of labor! That was their punishment. I detailed this is what jail would be like so let’s do this. They rose, cleaned their rooms, ate and started on a list of fine cleaning jobs. From closets to door frames, grout and windowsills. We mowed, raked and planted. Break time was breakfast, lunch for an hour. That hour included reading time, coloring, games etc plus food prep and eating. Then back to work. We shovled, scrubbed and when I ran out of things we went to my BILs who was putting in a new garden. They hauled rocks from the back garden to the front, where later I brought the truck and they loaded those rocks and we took them home. When we broke for supper I usually had very hungry kids. Eager to end their day. But its not over when you have no freedom. Like jail we eat, clean and read or play a game for an hr. Then there’s another 2 hours of rocks to unload beside the driveway for future rock gardens. They were allotted one hour of tv per evening and had to compromise due to only being allowed access to the family room tv. Shower time, snack time, cross off the day on the calendar and count how many more to go. Early bed time cause tomorrow is another day of work so we can cross off another day of punishment served for wrongful deed. It was really hard to give my kids hard labor. I felt like I was being like my mother who constantly had us kids busy with cleaning and gardening. But then I figured maybe that’s why mine were now in trouble. I didn’t work them hard enough. Anyways at the end of the 30 days we spent the last 2 and a half picking them rocks up and loading them (2 loads) and taking them to another BILs who lives on the river. Yep, way out back they walked each rock just like they did when they collected them. They tossed them into the river wher it was already shallow. That night I could hear them talking about what they would do tomorrow with their new freedom. Sleeping in was most definitely on the list. But the gratefulness of not having to do all the cooking and cleaning…and them rocks! They never wanted to see another rock! Hahaha…was that then end of the troubles? No…not by any means. But none my kids went to jail or headed down that path after losing their freedom, even curfews became I’m home on time or a few minutes early. Good luck mom
Winter Wilderness Camp for troubled youth. It won’t break their spirit - it’ll break their will. Big difference. It’s for youth will serious behavioral issues. They even have “professional transporters” that will quietly show up in the middle of the night and using the element of surprise they’ll safely “escort” your kid to their vehicle and they’ll drive them to the destination - even if it’s 4 states away. If your kid doesn’t go willingly, they’ll physically remove them from the house. Welcome to the big leagues.
If they’re 18 or older they need to be on their own and if they deliberately break your things and they’re old enough to know not to, file charges. This will let them know you mean business and you’re tired of their actions and it will also get you help. It sounds harsh but sometimes you have to be harsh, if they’re teenagers they’re old enough to know not to do it but they think they can get by with it, throwing little tantrums to get their way, well Mom it’s time to toughen up it’s your house not theirs, remember that!
Have you had brain scams & tests done? Just curious bc sometimes the brain fires crazy in teens & what’s already a heightened time becomes extra.
You need a new therapist with experience in this. Ones who knows it’s manipulation talking.
Personally, I’d research until your found one. I’d then get a system inside to film the house. Those videos can be sent to the therapist. If they start breaking stuff, have them arrested. Actions have consequences & sometimes our kids learn the hard way. Lord knows I did.
You need therapy too. And be ready to learn your need to change too.
Omg ! That sounds terrible… Boot Camp girl… They need respect! Where’s their father? Give them some good ass whoopens
Discipline & guidances starts when they are toddlers & gets more so as they grow. You can’t wait until they are 10 years old & think what am I going to do with them & their bad behavior!!
I would start changing their diets. Sounds silly but it’s proven to change peoples moods etc. (Watch The Magic Pill, Fat: A Documentary (both 1 & 2), and that Sugar film*)
Shut off the internet, phones and TV and take all the junk food outta the house. It will help all of you. Good luck!
Feed them to the criminal justice system
I hope other parents are learning from the comments. You probably let them get off the hook way to often and they got used to that and are now doing it with big things. All the best
Take care of you first, Mama. If it is beyond your ability, that is perfectly ok. Place them in schools/institutions that can handle them.
Discipline starts super early. I’d they were mine, they’d have absolutely nothing except except change of clothes and a mattress
Let them cry scream have tantrum
I would sit them down and explain I am done with them. If they do anything else wrong I am going to call CPS and let them find you a new home since you do not appreciate the one you have.
Maybe they’re craving one on one time with you. Kids crave attention in any way they can possibly receive it. If they’re not getting positive attention from you they will start doing bad shit to get your reaction which will be some kind of attention.
Also look into sugar and dye intolerance, my cousin was a little hellion growing up, where my 5’0" aunt would have to put him in a head lock to get him to calm down… Turns out he was intolerant to sugar and once it was taken out of his diet, he was a whole new person!! It was incredible to watch the transformation. Also my kids friend had an intolerance to blue dye and had the same behavioral issues until it was cut from his diet… worth a shot?
Oh how I feel this with my oldest she is well on her way to this behaviour definitely talking about how she wishes she was dead and is only 8 she hates everything never happy when she is told not now or wait a bit it’s let’s break everything and no matter how strict I am it’s always the same my family has told me they pity me and have never seen the likes if a kid so awful and at her age … it’s sad when I thank god I have shared custody because without a break I’d have gone completely mad
Tell them they wanna be ungrateful little shits they can pay their own way then. can’t legally take away the home but only a blanket and floor. No tv no good food they like (bread and milk will do) and no phone. No clean clothes. Make them understand they need to appreciate you. At this point they got cps involved tell them you don’t Care anymore. Be a mirror reflection for them so they see how it feels n what they’re doing. Good luck mama. If this don’t work, find a good male role model. Doesn’t have to be their dad. Could be friend, brother, anyone who is intimidating and have them whoop that ass sounds mean but it works.
I completely relate to this!!! I’m in the same position… I hate that I feel this way because I feel like a failure but I’m definitely considering some type of military school or wilderness camp!!! you are not alone in your struggles
Most country jails have a program called scared straight… I took my youngest son when he was about 13y… he was so mad at me… lol BUT the imates he spent the day with made a Lasting impact on him. When they found out he backtalked & disrespected me… smh that’s one thing they don’t allow put up with. They get a real look at what being an inmate is it’s not glorified or anything is the real stuff. And at the same time the parents are taking four classes how to deal with troubled children. Before they end up in the criminal justice system.
Can we say booth camp , it like a lil military camp for bad kids .
Prayers for you Momma, please take care of yourself! God bless & be with you as you go thro this uncertain journey
They do it because they know they can, put your foot down! It starts with you mama
See what happens when kids don’t get their asses whipped?? Teach them from a young age that there are consequences for your actions…
My husband and I went through this with our last 2 children. Every word you describe made my heart jump…I literally wished I had not had them. We have 7 kids but the last 2 MAN. Social media, schools and the way kids are now its almost impossible. I have no words of wisdom. Just know that my last two did turn out good now at 27 and 21. Prayers for you.
Take them to a homeless shelter to show them that’s where they could be living instead of the roof that they have over their head now…hoping it will show them how lucky they are to have a home. Take them to a soup kitchen to make them wait on people who are less fortunate. Take their electronics, phones away. Tell them that they will have to earn those things back.
Wow you poor thing that’s intense.
Maybe make them join the army or navy where none of that bullshit will be tolerated.
At this point tough love , despite how much it hurts you, is what I would suggest
They wanna act like little A-holes well send them to a boot camp/military school or something similar for troubled youth
If they are the type of kids who like to run off and stay gone for days change the locks and let them be homeless ,the streets will help them realize what they had (if you decide this option be sure to let police and the case worker know so you don’t get pinned for child negligence)
Take all electronic devices and smash them , all privilege items take them and sell or donate them until they earn that shit back
The will hate you ,they will say horrible things towards you, they will get physical maybe(if they do call the police and let them take them to jail, you need to let them take the kids to Juvenile hall)
You love your children and you will hurt from doing this but to be honest let it happen
Prayers to you… being a mom to multiples ain’t for the weak and multiple teenagers at that … hang in there girl
Have you tried behaviour intervention?
I want you to tell use about your history as a child first
It’s the time started when mine getting to teenage tell them your rules or move out ! They will learn fast when they see their friends aren’t their when needed ! Then they ask can I come back ! Or tell them see if better in a home ! Before was can’t wait 18 to leave then they don’t want to when they are 18 they want stay long as possible put your foot down my way or highway ! It hurts but they know that we have to show tuff love sometimes ! Tell them you think better some where else bye don’t let door kick you in the butt ! Or put them in peace core a great place ! Teach them a trade !
When I was acting up, my dad once called the police on me and kicked me out. I learned my lesson. Never again. Sometimes you need to be really hard and show no mercy.
Mine hasn’t been that bad so far but it’s been a really rough year and half. No dcs but multiple therapists and a hospital stint. We still have a long way to go BUT we are finding calm conversations, are helping. I’m constantly reminding both of us that a conversation doesn’t have to be a confrontation. I also frequently remind her that respect is a two way street, responsible behavior affords her greater autonomy and that no matter how mad I am I LOVE HER AND I WON’T GIVE UP ON HER. There is no perfect or quick solution but keep trying Mama. You got this. And never forget that you aren’t alone. Hugs for you all.
Just the language u use tells me a lot, and also u have to give respect to earn respect !
Should have started beating their a** when they started acting out
Right there with you. My adopted son, 12 is the same way. Disrespectful, rude, a thief, punches holes in walls, assaults me, lies to school staff telling them I abuse him and don’t feed him. He runs away habitually (17 times in last 6 months). Has been on probation. Has caused over $15K in property destruction
Teenage years are rough!
Ride the wave….
Have you thought that maybe they have mental illness, trip to the doctors might help
Someone had to teach them such behavior, they weren’t born like that!
It seems to me you’ve allowed the behavior from the start. Much of this falls on your shoulders as you waited too long to fix what can’t be fixed. This behavior is most likely permanent.
My mom did got sick, she just wanted to be strong for us!
I know how you feel I went through this exact same thing. I don’t wish it on anyone. My heart breaks for you…and no we don’t enable or allow it ever!!! So don’t listen to everyone who is saying that
you’ve gotta give respect in order to get respect in return. my mom about had it with me and i was wild and bottom line was i felt alone in every way. soon enough we started having calm conversations and when i told her my problems, she finally started listening instead of victimizing herself or thinking her problems were worse than mine. it got so much better and we still have our bad days where i want to give up on our relationship, but it’s always a choice. once children start having their own ideas and opinions and as they grow older, often times it becomes more of a job to keep the relationship with them going. when children are young they are fully dependent. as they grow older, the more and more independent they become… you gotta work a little harder. one on one time is a miracle and money and materials just don’t work like they did when they were little more they need attention now more than ever. even if it is just listening.