I cheated and have tried to make it right, but I've fallen out of love

For well over a year and a half, I’ve fallen out of love with my partner of 5 years, 2 children together as well. I have tried working with him, being honest about my feelings, as I felt he didn’t make me a priority. Well the beginning of this year, I did something I despise, something I said I would never do. I cheated on him. He is a wonderful man, with many wonderful qualities. But lacks in the communication dept, attention, basically I’m on the back burner. Our sexual interactions are also very limited as well. I even went as far, before I cheated, to telling him I had fantasies of being with another man…no one in specific, just craving that love and attention. He tends to put his hobby first and foremost. He gets so into it, I barely exist, so the attraction has also been lost. I cannot seem to get it back. I was honest about the cheating, it didn’t last long, but guilt eats me alive. I also believe he didn’t necessarily deserve it and it wasn’t fair to him. He’s a beautiful soul in so many other ways, he’s so good to me and our kids. He’s just not the best partner when it comes to feeling, sex, all the things I long for. We decided to stay together and work it out, have done some counseling. Tried to communicate better. I’m back on medication, controlling myself and impulses too. We have a relationship with God also. But I just cannot seem to get into him anymore. We used to be so in love at the beginning, and it’s like we’re just two people living in the same house. No love connection whatsoever. He tells me he loves me and I’m the only one for him, I believe him too. I also developed feelings for the man I had an affair with, but we are no longer in contact. I tried to make amends and say my peace with this man and he wanted nothing to do with me. So I just gave up there, but I think about him often. I’m confused as to what my feelings transpired into with him, but I really think I fell in love with him. Essentially I think this man just used me, he was an ‘ex.’ I think we were both in the same lonely boat and he told me things I wanted to hear, that sounded all very good in the moment. He even went as far as telling me he still loved me and wanted a baby with me. We even talked about possibly leaving our significant others, but obviously that didn’t happen. I think it was all pipe dreaming. I went in with the intentions of honestly helping this guy and it turned into so much more, so quickly, but didn’t last very long. As I said before the guilt ate me alive. I know I should have just left rather than to have an affair, but there was so much at stake, I know…still not a good enough excuse. So I try to shut out these feelings I still have, because it makes me feel like a fool and desperate. This guy was obviously a loser from the get go, but I let him con me and felt sorry for him. I let him in and that’s the biggest mistake I could have made, being emotionally invested. As he claimed his wife was horrible to him and he was just seeking friendly conversation. Friends. It ended with me calling him out in disbelief, we had an argument. After a month or so of throwing his wife under the bus, he all of the sudden praised her. She’d apparently made the commitment to be a better woman. So he told me I was being immature and I was just mad because he didn’t want to be with me. Keep in mind this is the same person that while we made love, told me he loved me and wanted to get me pregnant, but I refused. My partner knew we were friends and didn’t seem to mind, even knowing he was an ex, because he trust me. It was all honestly a very messed up situation altogether. I love my partner, but I’m not in love with him. Those feelings I once had, feel gone and I don’t know how to get them back. I’m still not over that other sorry sap, but I’m forcing myself to avoid him at all cost. I just feel like closure would have done me so much good, but he’s ignored the few occasions I reached out. So like I said, I gave up. I’m trying to make it work with my partner, but it just feels like he’s comfortable, even after the affair and will never change. Which I’ve just about given up there too. We’ve built a beautiful life together, but he just feels like a roommate at this point and has for quite some time. Please help!!


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I cheated and have tried to make it right, but I've fallen out of love

Move on. You can justify it all you want. The fact is you cheated.


Your husband didn’t kick you to the curb? Does he think it’s his fault? Hell you have such a nice life together but you repay by screwing some other guy. Then you tell him so you wouldn’t feel guilty…how about the wife you are so damn selfish it is all about you.


Sounds like you only feel guilty about cheating because the ex dont want you anymore so now you just going work it out with your husband :woman_shrugging:

Always two sides to a story and we only getting yours and not your husband side


This is some serious shït and clearly these are true feelings you are feeling. You need to leave your husband and get a divorce. Focus on yourself and kids and at least have a good co parenting relationship with your husband. Don’t just stay to make it work. Clearly you aren’t happy and I really can’t speak for him as we don’t know his side of things on how he truly feels.

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Marriage is a contract and a promise. People change, kids become the priority and yes you both have needs but it’s not just you. You’re creating unnecessary drama your children might model. Get your counseling and move into the new season of your life, marriage and parenting. Good luck and maybe get your hormones checked.


Cheating is always on the person that cheated… it’s a choice. Leave for your childrens’ sake… it’s better for them to be from a broken home than to live in a broken home.


Grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence was it ? You cheated… Don’t try to feel sorry for yourself NOW… U knew what u was doing !!!


Your husband and your children deserve better. Stop glorifying your cheating its disgusting. If he is all of this goodness you should of went to counseling first. You can’t fix a marriage when your fantasizing about a man you cheated on your husband with. :unamused: it doesn’t work like that. That other man never wanted to be with you. You got used and honestly you deserve it. Leave your husband and let him find a woman that respects him. Cheated on him because he has a hobby wth is wrong with your head.


Question is, we’re you actually planning on leaving your husband for this man, had he chosen you? I think that’s the problem here, the ex messed up your plans and you feel like you’ve had to stay with your husband by default, that you’ve settled. Of course you’re not going to have ‘those’ feelings for him anymore, you subconsciously gave up on it a long time ago. Do him a favor and end the marriage, nothing will ever change as long as you’re not 100% in it and have 1 foot out the door already.


You sound extremely selfish all i heard was me me me sounds like you need to be alone


All I hear in your post is “me, me, me.” Only one passing mention of your children. How about you try focusing less attention on yourself and more attention on your family. You have issues and I am glad you are treating them medicinally, but your kids and your partner deserve better than what you are giving them.


Your relationship is clearly over, for you anyway- you need to be as honest as you can with your partner and give him the respect he deserves by not dragging this out… let him be free and let yourself be free.


Wordy story :joy: Selfish and desperate. U know u have a good man but still cheated obviously the next man will tell u all u want to hear and ofc will never leave his family for u. If u weren’t satisfied sexually u could’ve gotten some toys bcuz look where it got u…no where. You’re lucky your husband is still there. U knew what u were getting ur self into. U already weighed out the advantages and disadvantages there’s no need to act surprised now. Count ur losses and fix ur marriage. That EX DONT WANT YOU. YOUR HUSBAND DOES.


Sounds to me like you’re trying to justify the fact that you cheated. When you cheated you KNEW better, you KNEW what you were doing and what the repercussions would be, you KNEW you weren’t happy in your marriage. You KNEW you were no longer in love, but YOU chose to do it anyway and hurt anyone in your path to make yourself feel “happy and loved” for that split second. I can never and will never empathize with a person who cheats. It’s called COMMUNICATION. If you aren’t happy then there’s your obvious answer, it’s time to leave. What kind of example are you setting for your children? “Mommy’s not in love with daddy anymore so I cheated on him to make myself feel better and hurt him and you guys in the process”. Or “hey kids, when you get older if you’re not happy in your relationship it’s okay to cheat!” … bottom line is you’re an adult, you KNEW better and still did it. All I see is a very selfish person :woman_shrugging:t3:


Forget the ex. He played you and you want a consistent revenge relationship…the “closure” is never coming. You’re a good woman but your scared. Your husband loves you but you don’t feel his intensity when it comes to you. Get out of YOUR head and tap into your mate for just a second…because you are coming off very selfish. You need to schedule a family day and have fun but find a moment to apologize to your family. Come clean and see if therapy can happen. Sex, attention, sensual moments have to be created and they come across better when TRUST is there. You need to kiss your husband’s ass for a little while. Let him see that he is important to you and WANTED. Then let him tear that ass up…get his frustration out on that :heart_eyes_cat:! THAT sex gonna become the norm…lol. But y’all need to build each other up and you need to cut the shit and focus on what’s important which is? ____________. Or get tf on. God bless. I wish you and your family well.


If he’s a good man,… just remember this,…”good men are far and few between”. Also, love can be a tricky thing. It’s always going to be great and amazing in the beginning,…then it becomes relaxed. If you ever want a lifetime relationship with anyone, it takes patience, it takes understanding, plus so much more. Make certain that you are totally out of love before moving on.


Everyone is so quick to judge this woman…but she tried to talk to him before she cheated on him he didn’t seem to care or else he’d done something bout it.hell if he or she in any relationship dnt want to be cheated on .either do something to try n fix the problem then.I wouldn’t leave before cheating either n not kno wats up with nxt person …for him not caring or try n fix it is the outcome on getting cheated on.periot


Leave your husband now. He doesn’t deserve to be stung along while you decide what you want like a flavor of ice cream. It’s too late, the damage is done already. You’re just damaging your husband more as you frolick around with your eyes closed. Your husband didn’t deserve what you did to him, affection given or not. So please leave him so he can heal properly.


You fell in love with someone you don’t have a life built together. If you leave your husband for this man, and then the real life situations and everyday life hits you both it will not be like this affair. It’s just the fantasy. If you truly loved your spouse cheating wouldn’t be an option. The careless decisions you have made not just effects you but your spouse and your children. I honestly think you need counseling to work on yourself. Not the faults of your spouse. We all have many faults and the man you cheated with himself has given you red flags. He told you what you wanted to have sex. Plain and simple. He played on your weakness. You need to do a lot of soul searching. What decision you make next effects you and your family.


Personally I’d say give it one last go and if you can’t rekindle any feelings cut it off, because it’s not fair to either of you or your kids to drag it out if it’s just not going to work. It sounds like you two could use some separate time from the rest of your life, my suggestion would be get a baby sitter and go out, get a hotel room, go to a nice dinner, spend some time alone with this man you once loved and explore your intimacy with this person again. Also if his hobbies are a big part of his life maybe taking a interest in those might help with a connection as well. All in all it’s about what’s best for you and your family, don’t stay unhappy to meet others expectations but if your committed to fixing it, you both have some serious work ahead of you.


You already know what needs to be done, you are just delaying it. Stay true to yourself and treat yourself with respect. You made a mistake and have hurt people, but you learned from your mistake and must move on. Best of luck to you


Being in love fades. I really wish more people knew that before setting their relationships on fire. Some people keep the chemistry alive-with effort. Yeah, new partners are going to be more interesting and fun. You have to decide what you want out of a relationship, and if it’s not your husband, let him go.


And honestly. It’s girls like you who take advantage of good men And ruin the chance of love again for them and things just won’t be the same. So other women’s who actually deserve such a good man get to miss out on having somebody great because of your selfishness ways!

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Not sure what you expect different if YOU don’t do the hard work to address your part of this equation. Don’t make any rash decisions, seek counseling, and make honor your family. Of you end the marriage, do so after exhausting all possibilities.

Not sure what help you’re asking for. You need to move on. You seem to still justify it by saying I don’t think he deserved it, necessarily. Of course he didn’t! No one does, yes you should have left, especially if he’s a good man. Even if he wasn’t you still should have left before cheating. By your wording you were ready to leave your husband for this other man. Now that he’s gone you’re using your husband as a backup. That’s so wrong. Even though the other man wants to work things out with his poor wife you still want him. Your husband deserves better and it’s not fair to him. You know this’ll happen again with another guy so just leave him. It’s disgusting for so many reasons. Telling your husband you fantasize about other men, like that justifies you doing it? You’re using comforts to justify staying, which is just as bad. Your comfortable life will be over? You made that choice when you stepped out on your husband and kids. Go live by yourself and let your husband and kids rebuild their lives. You’re only prolonging it for them. NOTHING justifies you cheating, IF you felt guilty you’d tell your husband AND you still wouldn’t be wanting the man you cheated on him with, you’d also realize because you don’t love him as a wife, he and your children deserve better, you’d put them before your selfishness. You took a good man and broke him, good job :clap::+1:.

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Here my thing, love is not a feeling it’s an act what you felt at the beginning was not love. It was lust and excitement, and yes those feelings are amazing but love is choosing each other every day despite the challenges that appear and being loyal to one another and to work on things. Also most people mimic what they are given so if he is more interested in his hobby and not giving you what you need are you giving him what he needs? Marriage isn’t always 50/50 like people say some days it’s 80/20 or 90/10 or even 50/50 it’s seeing what your partner needs and being there. Did you ever even try to spice up your relationship or was he just not giving you the attention so you searched for it elsewhere? And that other man might have made you think you were in “love” but I can bet your not in “love” with him you just enjoyed that he gave you what you wanted even for a minute. Maybe your husband was going through some stuff and felt like he couldn’t talk to you so he drowned himself in his hobby or maybe he didn’t know how to talk to you and from what it sounds like you didn’t make enough effort with him you just ran to another man and that is beyond wrong and I am sad for your husband I’m shocked he stayed

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Bottom line sounds like you’re wasting your time and your partners. If you have no love for him romantically that relationship is over. By walking away you’re being less selfish and giving him and yourself the opportunity to find happiness again. The 3rd person here should no longer impact your future plans, since you know he won’t be in the picture

If you’re questioning any of this you’re already out. If you keep thinking about a dude that you had sex with and he dropped you, he was using you. Counseling should have been first. If your hubs pays attention to his hobby, I would pay attention to his hobby so he can include you. If you feel excluded then do something to include him. Make him feel like he’s included. Sometimes husbands are shy. So include him. Make a day for just you and him. Plan a outing just for y’all to show him you want him too.

Why would you tell your husband that you’re having fantasies about other men pleasuring you? How about fantasizing about your husband pleasuring you and telling him about that? And then show him what you’re craving and that would help your sex life with your husband… honestly you need to either be 100% putting effort into your marriage and family or separate because it’s not fair to him that you’re thinking about this other man still. You’ve said he’s a good man. Good men are hard to find, appreciate him for being a good man! Spend time together, become best friends and hopefully you’ll fall in love with all of his qualities that make him a good guy. I wish the best for you all, hopefully it can be worked out. But if not don’t keep dragging him through it.

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Give it time, since your husband is willing to work things out. You need to do some internal work, as you will need to get over the ex before you can feel that way about your husband again.

  1. youre lucky your husbands still sticking around cause i would’ve left your ass as soon as you told me you cheated

  2. not once have you taken ANYONE elses feelings into consideration when it comes to your actions, its all been about you and what you want and how you feel. Stop being so selfish and realize the damage YOU have caused to your relationship, you have to take some ownership here.

  3. the man you cheated on your husband with used you and i promise youll never compare to his wife lmao

In all honesty i hope your husband realizes he deserves alot better. Cheating is foul and not one of your excuses makes any difference.

Why in the world would you share this on FB? Are you actually going to listen to complete strangers that have no idea who you are. Stick with the therapist!

Poor guy need to run away from women like you! Ffs can never be happy u had everything :woman_facepalming:


I feel like I just read this out of a fucking book.


Let your husband go…. None of this is fair to him OR your children

Not so many are getting married anymore

Let’s get real to the other man you were a booty call nothing more what closure the man told you he didn’t want you what more you need. You have a good man buti don’t think you appreciate him because you are so in your head of fantasy that I feel another man could come along feed you the same line of bull and you would do the same all over again. As for your husband maybe date nights and getting away just the 2 of you and really working on it together without the fantasy of the other man it could work but if not let that good man go because I’m sure someone will appreciate him and love him like he deserves.

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You sound very immature. Grow up and appreciate what you have. Get a job; go to school etc.

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You need to leave your husband. You don’t want him and its not fair to string him along while you are out cheating and trying to figure out your life. Especially if you say he is a good man. I feel pity for people like you because you clearly have issues.

You fell in love with an idea. Made that man out to be something he wasn’t. You are a very selfish woman. Did you think about how this would affect your children? I’m hearing all about your husband and the other man. But what about your children. You need to grow up. Go get the psych help you need to be self satisfied. A man shouldn’t be there to make you happy. You make you happy. Your man should compliment your happiness. And me and my husband rarely have sex. Does it suck? Of course but cheating is a choice that will not be in my vocabulary because as long as I choose to stay with him I am his. If j choose to leave emotionally and physically I’m gonna just go with my daughter. Men can cause so much chaos in my opinion and I do better alone. But no one ever deserves to be cheated on. And if you’ve been forgiven by him you are blessed. He has grounds for divorce and can probably get the kids and you’ll be alone. Like I said just grow up.


Stop pointing out every flaw you think he has and using it as an excuse for your own shortfalls! Shame on YOU! You’re not sorry for anything. MOVE and let this man have a life because he clearly deserves better! Your kids deserve better. You need to face the fact that you’re a cheater,a liar,and a user! He might not be perfect but at least he’s not like you! He didn’t cheat…with whatever imperfections he might have he has been a loyal husband and father. You hurt him deeply and your marriage…YOU DID THIS.
But seems like it’s all about you anyway.

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Your husband deserves better. If you’re not in love it’s time for you to leave especially that you’ve tried counseling and it hasn’t worked.

You’re not inlove with the other guy. You’re infatuated with him. You love the way he made you feel not who he is as a person. You continue to fantasize about him because he name you feel how you want your husband to make you feel. I get that. People may call you selfish but us it also not selfish of him to not even attempt to TRY to make you feel good, alive and sexy again? So many couples grow into hollow shells of relationships because their partner is literally refusing to even try to meet the others needs. If this man is lacking anything from you im sure you’d jump to try to correct it. If not, this post is hypocrisy. I wish I knew what to tell you to get your guy to try to please you but sadly guys are stubborn and often in their own world. It seems they don’t understand certain things even when you spell it out for them.

You are a disgusting. You have a good man that treats you right and you cheat on him. Your willing to wreck your family and throw a good man away for someone that could abuse you and your kids. A cheater usually isn’t happy with a second marriage they usually wish they would have kept what they had. You say you are people of god, yet apparently you haven’t read the bible about divorce.

Sad situation …Most feel this way if theyve been beaten or abused mentally or physically…Good luck… Sounds like something youll have to figure out on your own or with a therapist

This lady was honest with her feelings… Lets be a little kind and understanding

Omg no one want or cares to see your dirty laundry! Grow up loser

if ur unhappy. leave.

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