How do you deal with how your babies dad speaks to your children?!We have been together 12years. Have a 6 & 2 yo together.He has a very fraught relationship with the eldest child. I try very hard not to intervene, but my god, the way he speaks to her it really beginning to test me!I’ve called him out a lot recently (in private away from the children) about how I feel he bullies her. Tonight he shouted at her and I mean really shouted. It took my all my might not to retaliate!!!He has very different ideals of parenting to me. Yes I’m all for disciplining children, but shouting and scaring I’m not down for!!She’s opened up recently and told me she feels like every time daddy speaks to her he sounds like he doesn’t love me (my heart broke) of course I reassured her her dad loves her very much, but it made me realise that I wasn’t overreacting in my thoughts.What’s my next step?Do I try talking to him again?I don’t know how to fix this? Or does it have to come from him fixing his relationship with his child?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I do not like the way my husband talks to our child: Advice?
It is your job as her Mother to protect her defend her and stick up for her!!!
This is the number one reason for divorce. If you guys do not agree on how to bring up your kids I promise you it will never work. You’re going to just begin to hate him more & more. Then your daughter disclosed how bad he hurts her feelings? It sounds like it’s time to go. He needs to bully other men his age and not his 5 year old daughter.
Maybe he could take Anger Management or look around and see if there are any parenting classes in your area.
Did you tell him what she said? If that doesn’t open his eyes to let him know what he’s doing is wrong, idk what will.
Look up Annelise Erin Parent Coach on here, I love her videos. I raised mine on my own but you have every right and a responsibility to intervene, for her sake and your husbands who will be perplexed and hurt in the future as to why he has no relationship with her. Before you talk to him get some info under your belt, start with her but I gentle parent- that’s doesn’t mean permissive parenting and no rules btw- it means empathy over ego, I value their feelings. My kids are 22 and 20 now and they’re doing great, we are great friends
Stand up for her in front of her. And insist on parenting classes for him.
Tell him exactly that. That’s how she feels. And if he still doesn’t change that would be all the info I needed to leave. Children come first.
I would talk to him again and tell him what she said, and if it doesn’t change I would leave. That’s your child you protect her.
I’d call him out in front of her so she knows how messed up it is. How he treats her is what she will seek out in a partner.
I would recommend family counseling before kicking your husband to the curb. It’s neutral party who can help mediate these issues.
Tell him how he is making her feel. Have a discussion and try and not get heated about it.
This WILL effect her for years in her life and the way she talks to herself. I have a now 15 year old who is still coping with how my ex husband,her stepdad spoke to her. Always demeaning and downing her,very critical of everything she’d do. I wish I had addressed it sooner, because it has become her inner voice to herself and we’re on therapy working on it still. SPEAK UP. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO HE HER FIRST BULLY
Poor baby…He needs to Stop or she’s going to resent him, hate him, And be afraid of him as time goes on. WHAT A JERK!! It’s a form of Emotional Abuse!
Shes a child. It’s your job to protect her
Always protect that child, no matter who it is from, IN FRONT OF THAT CHILD so that way they know that you always have their back and see you standing up for them. Tell him straight out how she feels and how you feel and explain that something needs to change or you will be walking away from the relationship. If he truly loves his child then he will change. If he refuses to see a problem or change then as a mother you need to choose your babies first.
This is abuse. I’d not let my kids grow up around this. Reminds me of my ex. Shouting and belittling. Damages a child’s self esteem and mental health
Imagine how the 12 year old feels with now one in her corner protecting her
No I would not allow that I would have stepped in a long time ago . You are her mother your there to protect her . She’s 6 not a grown adult . Nope I’d be going above for her . You need to speak to him about it
Talk to him. Tell him. Go to parenting classes together. You have sook many options before you just “get rid of him”. Every parent has to learn how to parent as we go. He needs to learn. If he’s not willing to learn to fo better, THEN consider ending the relationship for the mental safety of your children
You need to confront him immediately next time it happens and have your daughter tell him how he makes her feel and let them have a conversation about it. But you be the mediator. Kids need to see that parents can be wrong and apologize and work on it. They need to see you stand up for them in the correct way so they have the courage to stand up for themselves.
Have you told him how she feels?
The relationship she has with her father is the most important one in terms of what she expects and how she relates to men in her future. You need to tell him that also. My husband always said to our children do you hear me speak to you or your mother that way?, because if you don’t its ot acceptable!!!
What’s he like with the younger child? Did he get like this as she got older because if so it’s going to get harder. Does he speak to you this way?
I think you need to tell him all of that and then start standing up gor her and letting him know in front of her its not ok
At some point you have to intervene and i believe you are past that point already. Secondly do not teach your child that is how we speak to people we love. She will end up thinking its ok if her future relationships are like that! I would let her hear you sticking up for her that way she knows its wrong
My father was like this and I grew up to develop ptsd. Do NOT let this continue.
Spit out that Diet Coke I had just sucked up through my straw from In N Out! Cause youuuu know that one sip was going to cause everything to go wrong.
He probably doesn’t know better. I suggest family therapy. A neutral party can help. If counseling doesn’t work, I’d leave. I won’t allow my partner to be our child’s bully.
Ask him to be the parent he needed as a child instead of modeling the parent(s) he had & try to think from her prospective a bit more?
Welp if you’ve raised your concerns and nothing changes, I’d leave. No one will treat my child any different than I do. No one will break his heart and bully him
I would get professional help… a family therapist. We’ve dealt with this issue before and going to a therapist helped a lot.
Therapy. And then see if at the end of a session, you guys as parents can sit in. Make it so this doesn’t effect her long term and maybe with outside opinion he can see what it’s doing and change.
Save your daughter’s soul
For a child to feel unloved by a parent is a very big deal… Not acceptable at all… He needs help and guidance and you need to step up and speak up for your child.
Definitely call him out, but not infront of her, she doesn’t need to see more negative actions incase he starts shouting at you.
Fuck that, put him in his fucking place, while it is happening.
Grow some balls and stick up for your child.
She will resent you if you don’t do something about it. Speaking from experience.
Why are u not sticking up for ur child, as her muma u are meant to ha e her back, all u doing is teaching her to resent u and that bullying is OK and it is not xx
Get her into therapy and leave him, he needs to do better. I came from a family where my ex”stepdad” shout all the time and now my go to is shouting, it sucks and I’m really trying to change that for my kiddos… she deserves better, she deserve love not whatever that is
Maybe try counseling
You need to intervene while it’s happening bc that little girl needs to see and know for a fact that someone is defending her and that her dad isn’t right to yell at her. She prob feels so alone and on her own.
So I suggest individual and family therapy that way they have time to communicate their side of it and then how to address it as a family. Your child will start to respond similar as to how her daddy is talking to her and that’s not good either it makes everything harder.
Let him know he is emotionally abusing his child and that you insist he seek counselling or you may need to make choices on whether he is around the kids. Let’s not butter things up it’s abuse. I’d like to know does he speak to you this way or just a young child. You need to step in and end the situation each time he goes to verbally or emotionally abuse your child.
Id intervene next time it happens if he wont liaten to you outside of the situation. Tell him youre dosgusted with the way he treats a 6 year old child. Believe it or not, I went through a short phase where I was yelling at my son and didnt realize the extent. My husband sat me down one day and told me how unacceptable it was. Really opened my eyes to how bad I got and I havent yelled at my child since.
My father often screamed in our family members face when upset as a child, please don’t let this continue. Please leave , people like this don’t change unfortunately and you’re the only one that can make it stop by leaving.
Stick up for your child in the moment. Not in private. She needs to know someone’s got her. And you wouldn’t let anyone else bully her like that, so you definitely shouldn’t be letting her dad do it.
If he doesn’t want to change, he won’t.
You need to pull him up IMMEDIATELY, in front of the children.
They need to know you’ve 100% got their back.
If he can’t see the problem with this situation, then you need to leave and take your children.
Nope! My husband lost his cool ONCE and in front of my child I let him know it was not ok because she needed to know that momma has her back when adults in her life don’t show her respect. I will admit, she’s hard to handle because she has high anxiety but as an adult, it’s no excuse.
You are teaching her that this behavior is “love” and okay. This is going to impact her and she is probably going to resent you both. Him for doing this and you for standing by him. You got to stand up for her at all times!!! If talking to him in private isn’t working then start calling him out when he starts in on her. How would you feel if you were in her spot. I personally hate my mom for reasons like this.
Tell him off when kids aren’t around . And next time he shouts then raise your voice firmly and say stop . If he continues then take the kid and walk away .
Record her saying that and play it to him! If that doesn’t make him think that what he’s doing isn’t the right way then nothing will, I understand what your saying about different styles of parenting so maybe (if he’s willing) you guys need to sit down, work out a plan around this area that you both agree with and STICK to it. Also is there anything that he does with your daughter that’s positive? If there is be sure to mention that too so he knows your not calling him a bad dad you just have concerns about this. My worry is if she becomes unhappy she will act put more which will mean her dad shouts more thus creating a vicious cycle. Hopefully he will cooperate and things will be better for everyone x
Tell him what she said.
You need to tell him. You also need to give the courage and support to your daughter and get her to tell her dad how she feels. He might realize it more coming from her. And if at any point you think he’s being to aggressive, call him out on it in front of her. She also needs to know that behavior isn’t ok. If that’s all she knows, think of the man she could possibly be with when she’s older. When my husband gets to aggressive, I call him out and stick up for my children. All of them need to know that behavior will not be tolerated around me. Stick up for her. There are certain situations that yes take your husband to the side. But wheen he’s too aggressive, ypur daughter and husband need to know that behavior isn’t ok.
You should not have to tell a grown man twice that he doesn’t need to be mean to a SIX year old. That’s your baby & she’s old enough to notice now. Protect your baby. Love is bare minimum in any relationship
Record him and show him. Maybe he will see how crazy and hurtful he is.
Has you daughter spoken to her father about how his words hurt her?
Send them out for ice cream and let them talk.
It will do a world of help.
My husband tries this with my middle son a lot and I never allow it to stand. Just because children are children doesn’t give adults the right to disrespect them or call them names or anything like that. Absolutely never allow a parent to talk to your child in a scary yelling or demeaning way. For my relationship it’s made my husband withdraw from even trying to discipline that child but that’s better than allowing him to shame my son into submission. So really idgaf if he’s no longet involved in his discipline, if he can’t treat my son with respect then he has no right disciplining him. Plan and simple. And my son has special needs, he is autistic and I’ll be damned if I allow anyone to talk to him like he’s less of a person or in a hateful way. No. Put an end to that immediately.
You need to tell him that’s not okay IN the moment. Your daughter needs to know you are on her side, and that you aren’t going to let someone talk to her that way.
The only thing you can do is protect your baby and make sure she knows she is loved. He needs to fix himself before this relationship is ruined forever. Maybe he needs an ultimatum.
Definitely try talking to him and tell him what his daughter said. Google what it does to a child and share it with him. Ask him what kind of partner he wants her to have when she grows up. As in by being verbally abusive to her, she will think that is okay and normal and then she will probably end up in an abusive relationship. If he doesn’t change then you’ll have to get your kids out of that situation. It is not good for anyone in the house.
Record him and show him the video
Have her tell him her feelings by writing a letter then hand him that letter the guilt alone will have him thinking before he yells at her again
Don’t take him in private to do it. Call him out the moment he does it! Show your kids and your husband that you won’t stand for him bullying them.
Being stern with them is one thing, but when he crosses a line, it needs to be addressed in that moment. And if he’s not going to change, peace out
Ask him if he wants to be his child’s first bully…
My dad used to do this and my mom never said anything and let it happen. I hoped and hoped that one day she would and I’d feel loved by my father. Now at almost 28 years old, I do not speak to my dad. My parents are divorced now and my mom has told me how she holds so much guilt because of her not trying harder to make it stop. Please talk to him. Stand up for her. I agree you shouldn’t have to tell a grown man, especially a father not to bully their own child but some people just suck… Prayers and good vibes your way
Do what right by your child… Be their voice when they can’t…
Stand up for your daughter. Always. And if it doesn’t stop, leave.
Tell him in private one more time. If there’s a next time…tell him he needs anger management and parenting classes before you are forced to leave him.
Yelling an odd time…weve all done it im sure…but making a child feel unloved and potentially scared of a parent is unacceptable.
She’s learning it’s ok for a man to treat her like shit this is not ok poor baby. He needs counseling or some help maybe he’s depressed or stressed out or overwhelmed but something is wrong.
Suggest parenting classes y’all take together
i’m sorry but you are your child’s advocate, if you feel they are being bullied weather it be by their dad or anybody else… you say something, i would be saying something infront of them so that they know i am on their side. they need to know you have their back. they need to see and hear you doing something about it. if you do it while they’re not around they will never know that you have their back, they will never know that you don’t agree with how he behaves and speaks.
That would piss me off tbh !
She should never feel that way!
She should feel safe and loved and in a calm environment.
This is terrible. No way would I allow this. If he doesn’t get help. I would take kids with no visitation with him. As this is abuse. He will do this to the next child also. Does he also treat you this way?
Has your daughter sit and spoke with him? He needs to sit down n have a one on one talk with her. No screaming or name calling. If he can’t do that n be a dad than I’d take my daughter n leave.
If your daughter feels as if her father doesn’t love her from the extreme yelling/discipline then he’s gone to far in my opinion. If you’ve brought it up to him before & he continues to do so then I wouldn’t be calling him out in private. Hate to be this person but sometimes you have to. Record him & don’t tell him, stand up to him in front of your child. If he retaliates against you then thats your absolute proof he needs help. Your child needs to come first here, not your spouse.
Please intervene as much as you need to, my 12 year old is currently going through exactly the same thing
How can a father have a strained relationship with his 6 year old daughter ?? My kids father would literally die for his little girl (8) ! Even tho she’s had us both in tears some nights and is just in general 10kids in one… theres nothing in this world that she could do and he would make her feel like that! If so id tell him off expect him to apologize, next time tell him pack his shit ! That kind of behavior should not be tolerated !! Nor watched and let continue !
Something fast, that will affect her for years!
I would talk to him about it and be demanding he talks nicer to her (I put my kids before my partner) if he isn’t willing to change and be nicer to her in my opinion I would leave him.
Pick something he’s said to her that made you cringe, THEN repeat it to him verbatim with the words “if another man spoke to her that way, you’d kill them, so why are you?” Worked for my ex husband.
That’s no way to talk to the child she’d not deaf they is no need to shout
Stand up for your child
Please step in next time remove her from the situation And honestly I would say it right in front of her and him to tone down his voice… Demand respect and if he can’t give it… Leave him he’s a bully. As she gets older it can leave her with emotional issues. Honestly makes me soo angry to hear a man bullying a child is soo weak.
When he’s shouting remove the kids from the room . He’s an abuser and that is not love . Your daughter is afraid of him and that is a massive red flag . Personally , i’d show him the door and tell him to get help . You have to wonder why he needs to intimidate a small child whom he fathered . How long before he stops shouting and starts hitting ??? Are you confident that you can stop that from happening, given that you have’nt got him to stop shouting !!
She feels he doesn’t love her, enough said, you need to stand up for her in front of her and straight up tell him he will stop or he will leave. She’s probably too scared to tell him herself, and as her mother she shouldn’t have to. Intervene every time or she will start to think you don’t care either because you allow it to go on
Call him out in front of your child don’t do it privately bc otherwise your child will grow up believing that that’s how she deserves to be treated an you know it’s not. Also have her tell him how he makes her feel when he does that to her. If he hears from her how he makes her feel maybe he will get it. Tell other family and friends to call him out as well. The sooner he sees he is being a bully to his own child the sooner it can be fixed. My husband used to do the same and I called him out right in front of the kids an he felt like an ass. They even told him that they hated him bc of how he spoke to them bc they felt like he didn’t live them at all. He changed it took a bit but he did change for the better and now he an all our girls have a much better relationship.
You sit him down and have a frank conversation with him. It may be time for him to get into therapy to work on himself and how to rebuild the relationship he’s damaged with his children.
This has happened to me as well and I stop it right then and there. I’m hard on them as it is I don’t need unnecessary yelling coming from their immature dad/stepdad.
Sit him down and tell him you need to have a very serious and thorough conversation about the topic. Maybe that’s how he was raised, maybe he doesn’t have control over his emotions, maybe he has no idea what he’s doing and thinks it’s proper.
Whatever the reasoning, it’s obviously not the right way to tackle parenting.
Tell him you understand he’s trying, but he needs to stop. That you don’t think he’s listened before because he still does it, then mention how it’s gotten so bad that your child doesn’t even feel loved anymore. THAT should hit home for him if nothing else will.
When he’s in the moment of yelling and not just disciplining, get between him and the kid(s) and tell him to stop. Tell the kids to go elsewhere in the house (perhaps room) and stand firm against him. Don’t allow it to happen.
You should leave honestly. If he’s not changing and she doesn’t feel loved by him it seems it will only get worse. But also fight for her in front of her. Every time. She needs to know you won’t allow people to hurt her, even if it’s her dad. My sons dad was severely abusive to me and our son and I left as soon as I could but not before it traumatized my son. If you can leave, you should. Nothing is worth traumatizing your babies- trauma is something you have to live with your whole life.
Speak up and call his ass out in front of the kids break those generational curses and your kuds will know you always loved them and put them first
100% stand up for your child. He wouldn’t like it if someone talked to him like that. Explain to him how yes they are children but they are people too. How speaking to them and communicating with them is way better than yelling because they will only shut down. Resent. And also this is the example he is providing to them on how men treat women. And at the end of the day - if you don’t stand up for them they will resent you for it or continue the cycle and take it from spouses.
Intervene! My bd does the same thing with our girls, more so when the two of us are not getting along BUT the moment he gets loud with them I can’t help myself. They are girls. He is a man! I asked mine if it makes him feel more like a man when he yells at women/girls, if it makes him feel powerful because we already know he’s bigger. His voice is deeper. He is scary to the girls when he is upset. And he didn’t yell again. Sometimes you have to break it down for them bc at the end of the day I don’t want them associating a man’s love with being yelled at
You get between them in the moment and call out the unreasonable one LOUDLY. Louder than him. If he escalates it to anything other than verbal with either of you, call the cops. Warn him you will do this and how bad it will be for his reputation publicly as well. He’ll basically be on their (s)h*t list and the cops and the neighbors will be on guard if anything loud starts at your home by him. Remind him of ALL OF THIS and that you will NOT tolerate a bully for a husband or the father of your children. If he laughs or mocks you, do it. When the cops show up, ask for CPS and file a complaint on him. Get shit done to PROTECT your child and yourself. And embarrass the hell out of him. Let them drag him to jail for the night and sit there and think about what he has done before you call them and drop whatever charges that are pending. But, above all, PROTECT YOUR CHILD.
Excuse me but no ma’am you step in right then and there when someone is doing that to your children. My Ex FIL did that shit when I was seven months pregnant with my second, he started yelling at her and I had his arze on the floor when I was done with him. Stand up for her infront of her or she’s gonna start thinking that you just don’t care pretty much.
Stand up for your child in front of anybody!!! If he’s willing to treat her like that in front of you, then he deserves to be called out in front of her! She needs to know you have her back! Ask him if he loves her; remind him she is only 6! Treat him the way he treats her & ask how he likes it! Find out why he thinks it’s ok to treat her that way… he may need anger management & if he’s not willing to change be prepared to leave if necessary … how she is treated by her father now will determine how she feels about herself in the future & what she is willing to accept from boys/men in the future!
Talk to him about what she said. If it doesn’t stop. Next time record it and show it to him so he can’t see what everyone else is experiencing. It’s not healthy for any of you to be in that situation. If he doesn’t stop after that then, honestly…I’d remove you and the child because she doesn’t need that. She’s going to grow up traumatized. This is coming from a mom who didn’t pull her kids out of it soon enough and is now trying to reverse the emotional damage and trust issues.
If you’ve talked to him and nothing has changed then it’s time you put your children first and leave.
Look him straight in the face and tell him his daughter feels he doesn’t love her. Watch his reaction, if it hurts he has the ability to change. If he gets angry he’s a complete asshole. You need to step in. Remove your child from the situation until he calms his ass down. He’s abusing your daughter. I was raised this way and it set me up for terrible relationships with men and a lot of counselling. Seriously stand up for your daughter!
I am all for the idea of respect and waiting until you guys are in private. But not when it is affecting her that way. You intervene next time. He needs more than just a talking to, you guys need some counseling to help. He isn’t just going to change. Otherwise he already would have.
It sounds like he lacks skills, and if he was parented this way, it’s a very hard cycle to break. How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen is a great book. You can get it in print or on audio. I prefer print because the illustrated scenarios are very helpful. Ask him to read it with you.
Come up with an agreement where you can call each other out politely in the moment. Also Parenting With Perspectacles on IG is a fantastic account to follow.