I don't want my SO traveling for work: Advice?

Am I wrong for not wanting my SO to travel for work? Long story short, we have hit a rough patch, and he has been doing dishonest about nearly everything, hence the rough patch. We decided to give us one more chance to work things out. Anyways, he said he wanted to travel for work occasionally. He does construction, and sometimes they have work in other states. Well, I’m not comfortable with it for these reasons 1) anytime he goes out with friends, something stupid always happens. Last time, they got drunk, and they got into a fight. 2) he drinks in excess and makes dumb decisions. 3) we have three babies at home, one being a newborn. I feel that traveling would be okay if they were a little older, especially our newborn. He swears we NEED all this money. We are very well off and don’t really NEED it. I know that after he and his buddies got off work, they would go drink, and something ridiculous would probably happen. He’s just not mature when it comes to going out. I swear I’m not trying to be controlling but I can’t bail him out or anything from states away. Advice? Does your SO travel for weeks at a time willingly?

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Maybe he needs to go, get in trouble and not be able to be bailed out. Mans gotta grow up sometime.

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Let him go out, do stupid shit, don’t bail him out. He’s an adult. You controlling him isn’t going to go well.

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So in other words, he expects you to stay home with your babies while he goes and drinks after work? For weeks at a time? Not okay with me.

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Seems like you’re trying to find any excuse for him not to go.

You went out of you way to mention dishonesty first above everything else and it seems like you’re trying to justify it with other excuses.

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My husband is a roofer and leaves state and i never really had trust in him until i started letting him go and then he would call with out being asked at lunch and the minute he got off he would video chat me and before bed it actually helped my husband and I. I honestly can say i fully trust him.

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Yeah my ex husband was the same way. Catch that ex part… Some men just do whatever they want and dont care about how it hurts the ones who love them.

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Girl. If hes dishonest, it will NEVER change. He sounds disrespectful AF and you should leave. Best of luck💚

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I think the fact that he can’t be trusted to make his own decisions and isn’t mature enough to be on his own for a little bit shows a really big problem. You aren’t his mom, you can’t keep treating him like a child and keeping him out of trouble. He’s a husband (not sure if you are married but you get it) and father and should be responsible. If he isn’t now when will he be?

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The father of my kids has traveled for work since our oldest was 3. When he first started he would go out and drink and get stupid drunk. Once it started effecting the job and getting him in trouble with his boss he stopped. Maybe he needs to have his job put on the line for him to realize he can’t do stuff like that anymore. Mine is gone for months at a time every job and he takes the Xbox to keep himself occupied after work. And the money can’t be beat.

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so a second chance and hes willing to leave you for work?
well its not unheard of to be so cautious… but why try again if you dont trust him?

this post did mention kids but that’s not the reason you want him around.
be a momma and take care of you and those children. If he truly loved you stupid things would not be a priority on his list.

seems like someone hasnt matured out of his party days.
it takes guys Years to grow out of that

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My sons dad use to do construction and would be gone for months sometimes up to a year. I even gave birth to our son by myself with my mom n her friend but without him there cause he was out working. Having a spouse traveling and working out of state or town for weeks at a time isnt for ppl who aren’t able to handle it.

My husband and I went through it all…we’ve been married for 14 years. He has gone out of state for work and I just trusted him. At some point you got to let his balls hang and let him do his job. I guess what I’m trying to say is how is your marriage going to work in the long run if your complaining about that. I wouldn’t want to feel tied down like that. I mean it’s hard to trust, I know. But I hated feeling insecure, never give another person that satisfaction. Girl, I’m a woman, i have learned to love myself. Maybe hes not ready to settle down just yet. Take a break. It’s not worth stressing over what your husband does…life is too short to be anything but happy.

Work shouldn’t play a role

Both my husband and I travel for work and it’s extra money and we make over 25k in just travel a year

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My SO was a pipeliner when we met. We have couples friends that still live that life. It’s extremely hard and takes special kind of people to make it work.

My SO was dumb and partied with the guys, cause that’s just what they did. But he always called me before bed (and multiple times a day when he was driving/on break) so I felt like a priority. And we both made the drive to each other. He came home if he was only 4-5 hours away. I took a couple days off to see him on the further trips. His best friend and So still do this with 3 kids. My husband ended up coming off the road to start a family. He had been cheated on a lot in the past relationships and he didn’t want to take any more chances. (I was faithful, but he had in his mind that his job meant I would cheat at some point)

I think it takes a lot of trust and a lot more effort to have relationship where he’s working on the road. If you already are having issues, it’s only going to get worse

Maybe he needs to go, and get himself in trouble. Sometimes it’s the only thing that’s going to give him the walk up call he needs. Sometimes people just need to learn the hard way and sometimes there’s no talking reason.

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You’re on different tracks in life. Let him travel for work and keep living your own life and don’t chase him

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Not if ye are Financially stable ! If it was to provide for his family yes 100% but sounds like he has other agendas!! And leaving whats important behind for a free leg and no responsibilitys witch is concerning for me if he is unrealiable and dishonest you need to reavaluate whats best for you and yer kids we lead by example it can be hard but if he was to go he might be trying to improve himself and achive sompthing i find sometimes a lot of men are so reliant on partners and parents that they want to prove to themselfes their own independance its really hard on men sometimes and and thats how we sometimes dont fully understand them or hear their crys its a catch 22 try to communicate its the only thing that will make or break best of luck :heart:

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Shit I wouldn’t want him to travel just due to the fact you have 3 babies at home. He needs to help.

My ex works in construction also, and even though he cheated on me, (couple times) I only knew of one at the time. I wanted us to keep working at it. I was forgiving :sweat: He had to travel for work. I wasn’t gonna tell him he couldnt because he was our provider. He came home on a Thursday which I thought kinda sketchy as they would come home every Friday… He said he got into a fight with his co worker. He also shared a room with this guy at the hotel. So I thought ok, his boss told him to come home cool off and he’ll go back on Monday. Sunday evening, a woman messaged me. I didn’t see it til Monday morning. But she said her husband was the one that shared a room with my ex, and while this guy was in the shower, my ex took the guys phone and started going through it and found that guy’s wife’s naked pictures and used them to j*rk off to them!!! He denied it. But the wife showed me texts my ex sent to her husband and said he was sorry and it shouldn’t have happened. Mind you, he cheated on me in July. And that following October he went through his co workers phone :face_with_symbols_over_mouth: I was done with him by then.

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The fist time I had to bail him out would be the last time he drank while living in the same home.

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If you don’t trust him
… why did you give you guys a second chance??? You are just wasting you and his time, no trust means it won’t work… :woman_shrugging: he is not your child so you can’t really control him by not letting him travel out of state for work.

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He wants to travel to get away from you and the kids clearly, if yall are well off but having problems yeah he just wants out without actually telling you he wants out…you know the old saying out of sight out of mind.

But besides all that honestly hun he doesn’t sound like someone you should even be wasting your time with imo. He’s not trustworthy, being shady and a drunk. I’m sorry but you’ve already got children please don’t/stop settling for a grown man child…send him back to mama for more home training.

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Sounds like you have 4 kids instead of 3. Either he gets his act together or you learn how to stand on your own two feet without him and learn how to live without the stress and chaos.

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Let him get in trouble, don’t bail him.out. ever.

Kinda sounds like y’all shouldn’t be together. Second chance or not you don’t get to control him

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Sounds like you’re controlling the out come of his decisions! Unfortunately, he’s old enough to be making babies he should be smart enough ro make wiser decisions without you doing that for him. Sometimes it has to happen w/out the other half helping! Maybe talk w/your husband about growing up & his responsibilities as an adult before anymore babies coming into the picture.

My children’s father works out of town for months at a time, and I don’t ever have to worry about these things, but if I did, that would be a deal breaker for me. Not the traveling part, the not being able to trust him part. I’d put it to him like this - “you can do whatever you want, its your job, its your life…but the FIRST TIME I feel uncomfortable, or you fck up, im out. So make your decision wisely.” AND FOLLOW THROUGH! You deserve to not be cheated on. You deserve to be a priority. You deserve a mature, hardworking man you can trust.

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My fiance goes out of state for work sometimes. He’s in construction. Its tough and of course us women worry but you have to trust him and if he’s willing to work it out then give him a chance, set some rules maybe. Out of town pay is great. My fiance doesn’t drink but he went to hooters with the guys he works with. I was bothered but definitely not mad. I trusted him.

You can’t control someone like that

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My so travels on and off from March until the ground freezes in the winter. It sucks and it’s not easy with 3 kids and i work full time too. He LOVES his job though. So I just be supportive of him. It took a while to get there though we had a rough patch a few years ago and that made it tougher but the time apart brought us back together

If he travels or doesn’t travel he makes poor decisions. Let him mess up in another state and find his own way out of his bullshit. Tough love him!! If he really wants to work this out he would put the bottle down stay close to home and work on things. To me it sounds like he just wants out! You deserve better.

My so doesnt travel but he is gone 12 hrs or more a day. I take care of our 9 kids 24/7. If u guys are stable then i would say he just wants to do it for time away. If he gets into trouble then he should figure it out himself…dont do it for him. Set up an account that has so much money it so he doesnt blow everything u have while on the road.

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Stop mothering him, he’s an adult so if he does dumb shit be should suffer the consequences even if prison time

You mean your 4th kid, not SO… you literally sound like your constantly baby sitting him and checking on him. That shit will get old love.
Find yourself a grown ass man

I learned the hard way you can’t control other people. This isn’t about travel, it is about trust. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell the person they are with what they can and cannot do-and it doesn’t work anyway. All you can do is accept the fact that what he does may someday be a deal-breaker and you will have to leave that situation. Make clear what actions will cause you to exit, and let it go. He will do what he will do. No matter what he chooses, you can handle it and you WILL be fine.

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Screw it. Let him go. Don’t bail his sorry ass out of jail. 3 kids? He sounds like he has Peter Pan syndrome…

Bail him out… Are you his gf or his mom :thinking:

OH Sweet sister, My Ex now has NO choice but to Travel for work, As He’s now paying MAXIMUM child support and Iev REMARRIED to a Man that gave up His spot on an NHRA pit crew to be HOME every night.

I’m trying to figure out why you are even with this man.:thinking: You OBVIOUSLY don’t trust him, so why put yourself in this situation. He’s not the only one who makes DUMB decisions.:woman_shrugging:t4:

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Don’t bail him out :woman_shrugging:t4:

I had this issue b4 with my hubby, he works groom construction, nation wide , can only do what u feel is best

My so doesn’t travel for work but would do what yours would in regards to drinking he’s coming 32 this year and had only started to kinda sort his shit out now in regards to dumb decisions especially while drinking. But it’s still a process and I’m the same as you I got 3 kids at home I would t want him travelling away for work what if something happened to me the kids or him. :woman_shrugging:t2: sadly sometimes it’s a time thing that they will hopefully grow out of.

If he can’t walk out the door without doing something stupid and being dishonest about it …it’s just going to drive you up a wall and make you feel crazy. You can’t really stop him from working out if town and trying will just make things worse. You need to decide what you want and what you need.

No matter how much you try to take control of the situation he’s gonna do what he wants to do regardless. As much as it’ll hurt to let him do his own thing without taking your feelings into consideration you can’t stop him from making bad choices no matter how hard you try

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My husband was a overseas contractor in Afghanistan!!! It was hard, but I made it work. Hubby comes home say lets renew vows. We head to Key West. Beautiful beach vow renewal. He goes back 2 weeks later a email he met the love of his life!!! So long, no money, lost our rental house, no car insurance, power cut off just to name a few. Karma did step in and his new love stole all his tax free money lmao!!! But still went thru hell. Kids were nearly grown. Oh and i got nothing from the divorce!!! So hell no

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Sounds like more to this than what’s being said but definitely there’s trust issues but just cause you have trust issues you can’t keep him home like a child thinking you can keep him from doing whatever because no matter where he is at there his choices and if he chooses to do dumb things he’s gonna do it regardless of where he’s at home out of town for work doesn’t matter what you need to be asking yourself is why am I in this relationship if it’s like this and I can’t trust him maybe get yourself some counseling and work on yourself and your insecurities and learn your worth make yourself healthy and figure out what it is you want because trying to hold on to him by trying to keep him from doing something is not healthy for you

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Truth be told if it’s gonna happen. It’s gonna happen in or out of town.

If you don’t have Trust. You can’t have a Healthy Relationship. If he’s being dishonest and doing sketchy stuff. It doesn’t matter whether he’s traveling or not. He’s gonna do what he does. Making him stay Local isn’t changing anything unless he wants to change.

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Sometimes when people are trying to change their ways it is very hard. We need accountability in our growth and it sounds like he won’t have any on the road. If he is sincere about wanting to change he will stay put. It’s not controlling to ask your SO to help with your family from home.

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Do what i did with my husband. He wanted to hang with his friends. No problem. Go have fun. End of the story he got a dui because he wanted to drink and drive instead of letting me drop him off. Left him jail. Needless to say he doesn’t drink anymore because he knows if he gets in trouble ill leave his ass in jail. He’s a grown man. You have kids at home already you don’t need him to be another.

Let him go, the more money the more stability especially in this pandemic. If he gets himself in trouble states away. Let him learn that lesson and make it clear before he leaves you will not be coming to his rescue if he doesn’t keep his word. Tough love. Wish you all the best.

Why do you have to bail him out? It’s his choice to act stupid. Leave his ass in jail.

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I’d let him travel and enjoy the time you have away from him. It doesn’t sound healthy him being around either way.

If you can’t trust him then you shouldn’t be with him. Communicate with him about your concerns. Also I would leave him in jail. If he’s not mature enough to stay out of jail then he should stay there.

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This is only the beginning. Unfortunately ur only asking to validate how u feel and to ease ur mind that u aren’t controlling, bc he’s called u that alot, right? Someday ull be able to step back and see how this can look controlling, but ur not…u just dont trust him, u think he will screw up before thinking first and whatever he decides to do, u fear itll be too painful. U got 3 babies? U already know pain…ur just seeking him to be stronger when u want to rest and he’s not there. Let the sucker go! Now next morning, get up and build a life for u and ur babies and if he wants to be apart of that, great! If not, then ull have a plan and wont feel so stuck! Let the boy go, u gotta heal u since u got a newborn! U got this momma!!

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I guess the question is, given all you have stated, why does he want to travel? Does he need a break? Is he feeling pressure from work to go? Does he enjoy participating in destructive behavior? He should be making mature, responsible decisions on his own. You should not have to be his wife and his mother. That is too much responsibility and pressure for you. He’s in and he acts accordingly, or he isn’t.

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Hell nah. My SO switched from local to travel with when we found out i was prego again because I was instantly your I couldn’t with due to health issues and we needed to be able to afford our bills and the 2nd baby. Well soon as he started getting gone for 2 weeks at a time, alot of bullshit started and he made slot of mistakes that we are still trying to deal with. But he came home and told them no, I your him if he kept up getting gone and doing his bs I was done. Plus I’m in the middle of school with an almost 2yr old and 8months pregnant. Told him. He needs to choose because we hadn’t even gotten stuff ready for the new baby and I couldn’t do it on my own,and take our toddler back and forth,and be at school on time and still manage to get tbills done and get everything set up for the new baby all on my own. So from being where you are,NOOO I don’t think it’s bad or anything that you don’t want your SO working out of town. He needs to be home so if he actually loves you,y’all can try to manage and work on things. You can do that with him being gone all the time and not present

Been there… If he’s already dishonest, it will continue. When the cats away, the mice will play.

Hope you end up with the happiness, you deserve :heart:

My husband is also in construction. Industrial. He travels for work for the most part. Sometimes our children and I, we have 6 kids, move with him if we’re on school’s summer break or it’s a long job. I don’t think the travelling is the issue, it’s the alcohol. Hubby and I have been through that too. But he’s 2 years sober now. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

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If you don’t trust him then it’s never going to work and should leave.

You said yall are well off, you mean HE is well off considering you more than likely stay at home bc yall have 3 kids.

Who does the financial stuff in the home how you know yall don’t need the money. With an extra child yall probably do need the money and thinking about the future that’s 3 kids to put through college.

Ur kind of acting like his mother. He is a grown man if he want to behave this way he can. U need to decide if u want to be with him or not. U guys need to communicate and compromise what u are expecting from eachother. Find ur deal breakers n hold ur ground but don’t try n be his mom.

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Sounds like alcohol causes problems in the relationship. Having a newborn at home, he SHOULD be home after work, bonding, helping, and being a family man. Without your ability to trust him, this rough patch will only get tougher.

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If you don’t trust him walk away

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To the person who asked this feel free to DM me! I went through a similar situation and just MIGHT be a good one to speak to about it! :upside_down_face: p.s also have a newborn as well!

He needs to grow up.

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He’d be amazed how much money you all would have if he quit drinking

if he’s not Melinda quit drinking then I would suggest divorce and then he can go work out of state and pay you the alimony for those three kids and child support

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You need a new husband

You have to trust or leave.

My dad use to travel for work but my parents also don’t have small children to worry about and they have been together for like 32 years. Sounds like you deserve better regardless if you have kids or not. Its better to be in a healthy environment for them. You didn’t say he has cheated but thats a huge reason to leave. Trust makes the relationship go round. I hope everything works out for you. Relationships/marriage aren’t easy. Lots of sacrifice, rough patches, fighting and feeling like you have fallen out of love. “Nothing worth having comes easy.”

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He is an adult and making adult decisions. The reality is, he is making these dumb choices. Dumb choices have consequences. You need to make the right decision for you. If he wants to leave to another state and you are not comfortable with that and are in a rough patch because of his previous behavior then this is all the sign you need to make a decision to stay and realize this is your life or leave and change your outcome. Don’t be an actress in someone else’s show.

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It’s not the drinking, the friends, work, or stress that makes him make bad decisions. He’s made the decision to do those things and it’s being excused because of other things. No matter where he is, he will do what he wants to do. You either trust what he wants to do, or you don’t. If you trust him let him do his job. If you don’t, let him do his job while you move on.

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You do sound controlling though. Do you work too, or are you a stay at home mom? If it’s just his income with 3 young ones, I’m sure he does feel financial pressure.
From how the above read it seems as though you feel if he’s near home, he won’t make stupid choices. Truthfully you know that if he wants to go out and get drunk and stupid, he’s going to whether there’s 5 blocks or 5 states between you.

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If you feel like you are having to raise him too, it’s probably time to move on

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All those things, he could literally do at home…let him travel…u can’t raise a man…u sound like his mom

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My s/o works out of town for work we make it work with face timing on breaks and when hes off and text in between.

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Personally it wouldn’t work for me and my SO. I don’t deal well with distance and our relationship just wouldn’t survive it. Especially with kids so young, we made them together and I want to raise them together, I wouldn’t want to feel like a single mother unless I actually was one .

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He’s going to make bad choices no matter where he is. You can’t make him grow up. You also can’t raise him while raising your babies. You can’t trust him to do the right thing and without trust you really have nothing.

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Sounds like he needs to grow up. Let him go, if he gets in trouble…well, that’s his problem. Let him sit.

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I felt the same way in the past about my husband before he really turned everything around. He wanted to travel for work and I said I did not feel comfortable with that because of stupid decisions he made a habit of. There’s nothing wrong with wanting or needing him to work near home if it keeps your mind at ease. Raising three little ones has to be so mentally straining and you deserve to have some type of reassurance that your relationship has a chance.

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So far your getting terribly negative comments so I would like to offer something… helpful (I hope). I am a huge advocate for couples therapy. It sounds like there are more issues at play than maybe what’s written here. And far be it from anyone else to judge your situation. I would recommend having someone to mitigate some of those issues. An outside source is often a great resource to have and it can help strengthen your bond through the issues. Not only that it can help you get one on one conversations (since they will see you both separately at times) which can help with your own hang ups. I really hope this helps and you get some peace in the situation. All relationships are hard, even with no one judging them.

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How long will you baby sit him? I would understand if your reason for not wanting him to go was different.

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This isn’t a working far away problem, this is a drinking problem.

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3 words. Let. Him. Go.

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Bottom Line: YOU ARE TRYING TO HAVE AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN-CHILD THAT WANTS DESPERATELY TO GET AWAY FROM YOU. IF ITS REALLY NOT ABOUT THE MONEY (LIKE HE SAYS), THEN OTS BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU. (IM REALLY NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN HERE) YOU ASKED FOR OPINIONS/ADVICE. WELL…HERE IT IS ,CUT YOUR LOSSES, END THIS RELATIONSHIP (YOU DON’T EVEN TRUST THIS MAN TO BEHAVE LIKE AN ADULT WHILE/WHEN HES AWAY FROM YOU) SO WHETHER YOU THINK SO OR NOT THE "RELATIONSHIP " IS DONE. ABSOLUTELY :100: HE STILL NEEDS TO MAN THE F UP AND THERE FOR HIS CHILDREN EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY. BUT HONESTLY THIS SOUNDS LIKE A DONE DEAL.

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Honey, get to the root of the real problem. The man isn’t grown. Grown men don’t drink excessively unless they are alcoholics. Him being an alcoholic isn’t going to stop with him local. Trust isn’t going to build with him at home.

My husband works 8 days away from home and home 6. Him going away allows me to stay home with our kids. We also have the means to go anywhere we want during those 6 days bc of him working away from home.

Communication is key in marriage. Set up your expectations and don’t allow subpar behavior.

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Ladies quit laying up with men who aren’t responsible for themselves…

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Ok, she’s NOT asking if she should stay with him or not. My answer is, no I would not trust him in a different state with only his buddies. I wouldn’t like my husband being away in case there was an emergency, but that’s just me. No judgement whether that bothers someone or not. Do you think he can handle an honest conversation about your concerns and respect why you are coming from where you are coming from?

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This is who you have chosen to be with. Knowing how he is you have decided to stay. You need to choose. Life with him or single life.

Tell him he’s on his own if he can’t conduct himself appropriately, you won’t be available to bail him out. He’s not a child you need to babysit, if can’t behave like a responsible adult that’s his problem

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You need to go your separate ways… this is NOT a healthy relationship. You say that he is not mature in making better decisions yet you had 3 kids from him. Let that man have some peace without you bugging him. :roll_eyes:

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Ok I want to say something carefully. When I met my husband, he had a long distance job. He was a hotshot driver (his own business) and would be gone up to 2 weeks. I had no problem with this because I was raising my only child, working and finishing school.

We had other problems but not like this. My husband has always been smart with his money and faithful. However everyone is different. Long term, I didn’t have to convince him to get a in town job. He WANTED to do it on his own.

In regards to your situation, there isn’t enough information to establish if you’re in a financial stable relationship. I can’t speak on that.

Bottom Line. The same quote should apply to men too

“You can’t turn a hoe into a husband”

:woman_shrugging:

No I am not saying he is one. Its just a quote.

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Sounds like oilfield work to me😉

We are an oilfield family. Have been over 20 years. I used to also work in the oilfield. Days wks and months these guys are gone. It happens so much more than wives even know. Doesn’t have to be oilfield. That’s just the job we know. If he is… in the oilfield in any way… they won’t let go of that money easily. They also won’t change. Choose for yourself what you want and know.

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It took you 3 babies to figure out he wants to party more than he wants to be home with his family?

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If this is what you want to settle for, than so be it. But I feel like parting ways at this point, given the circumstances you portrayed for us… are not healthy. Y’all could co-parent, but why would you not want better for you and your kids. Y’all seem like y’all are on opposite pages

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The only reason I would say this is reasonable is because your marriage doesn’t seem to be on steady footing right now, and there should really be a focus on that. I’d really reccomend therapy. In the meantimes, until he’s proven that he is trustworthy and capable of making good decisions close to home, I would be uncomfortable with him leaving and engaging in practices that have historically been difficult for him to manage behaviorally.

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Sounds like you will never be able to trust him :pensive:

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