Is it wrong of me that I don’t want to do extended family stuff on Christmas eve? My mother in law has been going behind my back for the last two years trying to get her way by having other family members do the gathering or having them try to quilt my husband into getting their way. And my husband both work full time. He works 50-70hours a week, and I go to school full time in addition to working full time. We have a 1 & 1/2 year old that is used to a very strict bedtime routine, which involves being asleep by 8/830 if not earlier. I HATE messing with her schedule at this age. When she’s a little older, I won’t care. Today I let her know that yes we will attend the Christmas eve party which starts at 630 and it a 30-minute drive from our house but that going forward we will be having Christmas eve home as a little family and will see everyone on Christmas day for dinner. She was PISSED. I am just trying to be straight forward and honest with her. I am just so frustrated with her and her selfishness! She gets the rest of the holidays. Why can’t we have Christmas eve as our little family?
Just do whatever you want. Let her be mad.
Put your foot down!!! Your holiday you both work long hard hours and have a routine!!! There is nothing wrong with seeing them on Christmas Day!!! Start your own family tradition!!!
You are a young family start your own traditions at Christmas
Do what is best for you, your child and your husband. Pleasing others at your expense is stressful. Allowing manipulation through guilt from any family member at any time is abuse.
Do what you feel is right and appropriate for your family. She is pissed simply because she doesn’t get to have control. Too. Bad.
Then don’t! No one should have to spend Christmas with people they don’t want to. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time.
The following is taken from Rabbi Steve Leder. Pain comes in many forms and I like what he says about the holidays and self preservation;
"Pain is terrible, but it is also an invitation to change. Your suffering is an invitation to say no; and it is an invitation to find the yes behind that no.
So this year say no the holiday table and yes to serving others. Say no to the hellish travel required to migrate upstream for Christmas or New Year’s and say yes to hunkering down with tea, a good book and a warm throw blanket. Say no to the noise and the booze and the calories, and say yes to a quiet, healing walk with a friend who has also had a terrible year. Say no to the shopping and say yes to a charity that needs the money more than Amazon. Say no, I cannot be happy, but, yes, I can still be good and gentle and kind—especially to myself. Say no to pretending everything is ok, and yes to reaching out to the few who really do understand and love you no matter how wounded. To put it glibly but perfectly, the people who mind if you don’t show up for the holidays this year don’t matter, and the people who matter, don’t mind."
In all honesty have your husband speak to your mother in law. Your child is young but, it’s one night her schedule gets messed up. If it was something that you wanted to do you would do it whether it messed with her bedtime schedule or not. Most married people have to share their holidays parents on both sides,
The sooner you learn that the only thing that matters is you your husband and your child the better off you will be. It is about your families happiness in your household not anyone else’s.
Take it from someone who has allowed family to dictate “My little families” holidays for years. Put your foot down and stand your ground. Start your own traditions and grace your in-laws with you and your families presence on your terms. If you do it now you won’t have to battle like I have for my child’s entire life. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty or be manipulated by family. It leads to years of resentment and hard feelings. Good luck and Merry Christmas!
Just ignore her and don’t do it… Let her be mad
Edit year and a 1/2 old strict sleep schedules really aren’t well it is your choice. When she’s 2 and a 1/2 34 and up good sleep schedules are good. But this is all your decision you 2 are the parents and you can tell family members you’re not going to be there a matter how much you get gilted
Personally I believe in making sacrifices for my family. If you can live with it, then there’s no problem. But at the end of the day I kinda feel like when we marry a person we kinda take the whole extended family too… tread carefully bcuz God willing your gonna have to deal with these ppl a long time. Pick ur battle’s wisely.
Its your life you get to decide not her
I support the decision to celebrate as your own little family 100%. I’m wondering why the husband isn’t the one communicating this message to his own mother though?! It puts the wife in a bad spot & she will probably be viewed by the MIL as the ‘bad guy’ in this situation. I think the MIL would receive the same message better if it came from her own son.
I agree with everyone’s opinions. I had a hard time with this because I am a grandmother and of course I wanted everyone around my house for the holidays but I also understand because I am a mother also. I put my family first over all others.
Hate holidays for this reason
Time to grow up and learn to say NO , you and your family is what matters and at your child’s age it’s time y’all start your own holiday routine , but if it’s not to hard let her decide Christmas Eve get together or Christmas day if Christmas Eve is what she wants then be it go from 6-7:30 pm then head home your child can still be in bed by 8:30 -9pm then y’all can spend Christmas day at home for I found mine growing up and now my grands they rather be home to play with there toys without having to be drugged out to someone else’s house . Just remember there will come a day your mother in law will no longer be there so don’t look at it as control instead think of it as giving your child the chance to know her and your husband more time with his mother.
Are you an adult? Not in jail? Then don’t do it
She will get over it… or not… either way do what’s best for you & yours…
Sounds like a control matter. Do what you feel is good for you. You owe no one anything. At the end of the day it’s about your own little family!
Tell her she’s lived through about 50 more Christmas’s then you and you’re entitled to do it your way for your family. She’s had her time
I wouldn’t even go as I would start my own tradition this year. If you keep allowing your mother in law to control your life you will never be happy. If your husband and you agree just stay home and avoid all the inconvenience and aggravation and do what is best for you and your immediate family. I do not and haven’t attended any Thanksgiving or Christmas celebrations with family for years And my life is so much better. It’s your family and your life it’s time to take control and don’t worry what others think. I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a awesome New Year.
Let her be mad. Stay home and celebrate with YOUR family.
I’d rather do the in-law thing on Christmas eve and spend Christmas with my little family …a whole day to do whatever, no work, no going anywhere, no visitors = perfect. Stand your ground, make your traditions and if they don’t like it …explain the jobs, school and kid …there’s barely enough time for sleep, let alone visiting! YOUR FAMILY = YOUR RULES, it’s that simple.
I’m going to go against the grain on this. What’s it going to kill you to just go along & do Christmas with your mother in law? Your baby will be just fine, maybe bring a portacrib to pay her down when it’s 8pm. Your child will one day grow up & remember having Christmas with the grandparents & cousins & family. To me you just sound bitter & controlling too.
I am super happy my kids are grown and they choose where they go since I prefer to stay in my home I dont begrudge them where they choose to go…but I hated my sister for forcing me to her house every year it was the worst and these last few years I refuse she tries to force it but now all kids are grown so imma stay da fuck home
You and hubby get to make decisions all on your own…
Your husband must be the one to tell her and it be a wimp
You & your little family have a lot on, do what is best for yourselves x
I would call her back and say you know what, Christmas Eve won’t work for us this year after all… So sorry but let’s get together after Xmas! If she fumes, that’s her problem. You have to do what’s best for you and your family.
I am staying home with my kids! Put your feet up and drink some wine or hot chocolate and play some nice Christmas music. Don’t do something you don’t want to do and don’t let anyone make you do something you don’t want to do
You did the right thing for your family!! Hang in there it gets a little easier when people respect your wishes and if they don’t they get left out!!
That was perfect, with the exception of one tiny detail. You made it a thought instead of a STATEMENT. Give no fux when you have their best interest in mind. When it comes to the family that YOU are creating, building- run it like a BOSS.ijs
Stuff her your family your life parenting I exhausting Do what you and Hubby want
Tell her this isn’t Burger King. You can’t have it your way. Lol
Why be subjected to it twice? Surely a Christmas Day together is enough for the extended family
If you bugger up bubs sleeping she’ll be tired for Xmas day… no thanks.
Your husband’s needs to tell her… this is what’s happening no ifs or buts
You can absolutely have Christmas Eve at your house. Enjoy your time with your family. Let her be upset, that’s her problem, not yours. She’s not being very respectful of your household, in my opinion. I also think you should start your own Christmas Eve traditions with your hubby and daughter. Create beautiful memories
She will just have to be pissed, she’ll get over it
I hope my Son doesn’t meet someone like you
You can! When y’all stop allowing her opinion to matter
Now is the time to set your own family traditions
Why on earth is the party so late? We do Christmas eve at home. No exceptions. Simple dinner, Christmas eve boxes, change into new Christmas jammies and watch a movie, eat popcorn and cocoa then kids go to bed so Santa can come!
Stop caring. Tell her what ur doing and leave it at that. U dont owe her an explanation. just carry on with life
Don’t give your power to someone else. You and hubby, need to be a United front. Having a toddler around the holidays, plus travel creates extra anxiety. Make a safety plan and stick to it! Happy holidays! Now that you have a baby, you start your own traditions!
I told everyone they can plan theirs before or after Christmas day. My children and i will be fully unavailable the whole day. What you allow in your life is what you have to deal with. Put your foot down, when she sees you arent backing down she will either cater to the childs needs or she will kick rocks. I dont mess with our bed time either. I have 3. They are in the bed no later than 8 every night. We have missed plenty of events because people know that kids should be in bed around thst time, yet choose to do whatever. My kids sleep is a little more important to me than grown folks feelings
Lol so let her get pissed she sounds like a control freak! She’ll have to understand that she can’t control people! Do that to her watch how quick she’ll stop!
She is gonna have to get glad in the same pants she got mad in…its time to make your own family traditions.
We used to do Christmas Eve at my in-laws and Christmas Day at home.
So dont go. You’re an adult and can make your own decisions. I don’t go ANYWHERE on Christmas and if someone doesn’t like it they can drive to me or get over it.
Seeing them at Christmas sounds good to me
Let her be mad and do what’s best for you
Good job you tell her . That’s all I gotta say .
Its time to start ypir own traditions
If you are that upset, just don’t go. Tell your husband how you feel and that he could go by himself.
You can do whatever you choose to do don’t blame it on someone else you have a brain and a mouth use it quit whining and just let them know the way it is.
she take into consideration on both of yall schedule and see yall on christmas day.
Let her be pissed. You decide what you want to do with your family. If you are already seeing everyone on Christmas Day I don’t see why you would have to see them on Christmas Eve too.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn in life is that I can’t control people. That seems obvious but it’s really not. You can’t force someone to accept or even like an agreement that is fair for all parties. Nothing you say or do will make them change their mind. The only thing you can do is act ethically and fairly. Always make the best possible choice and let the chips fall where they may.
Tell her to pick one and that’s it.
How does your husband feel about it?
One day or the other should be fine, shd doesn’t need both, she should understand a busy families need for a break at home.
I’d suggest that or not going, bring jammies for babe so their ready for bed on the drive home if you decide to go, that’s hella annoying I hateeee ppl that act petty when they don’t get their way
Its Christmas eve. How on earth are people so strict on a child’s bedtime that they cannot stay up late on special occasions??? Kids need to learn to be flexible too… We do Christmas eve with my mom then come home around 8-8:30 and open our Christmas eve box and change into new jammies and stay up late watching a new Christmas movie and eating junk food and drinking cocoa and spending time together. A kid being up past their bedtime is not the end of the world. The memories made are much more important. I promise you your kid will NEVER grow up and say “hey mom, thanks for making sure I was always in bed on time.” They 100% will grow up and thank you for teaching them to adapt when needed and making awesome memories…
I could have wrote this myself. My partners mum tried going behind my back being sneaky to get her mum to ask whether we will be going to hers christmas day (me, our three year old and her grandson) from ten am onwards, even though I’d already said no. We’re staying home so my babe can enjoy christmas and her toys, not be dragged all over the place. Safe to say grandma got the same answer as the nana got!
You just do you! They can pop in if they want to ect… ive started doing me, it’s nice to just chill out ahead of the big day with nibbles & films before it gets hectic, messy & loud on Christmas Day lol xx
Let her be mad. What’s she gonna do?
I will say, you are not the first mom to use kids as a reason to not go. Lol.
Thats too much to see them both days. I mean when are you supposed to enjoy your little family?
You are being extremely resonable. This year will be our first Christmas without the hassle of getting all of the kids ready and travel… I’m beyond excited to start our own tradition. Bring on the day of pjs, games, gifts, wrapping paper everywhere, music, good food and nooo going out.
I wouldn’t go. Its your family, do what works for yours. Guilt and tantrums is too time consuming to worry yourself over it.
I agree with you. You want your OWN traditions with your own little family…Me too. I’m in the same boat as you kinda
If I was you… I would give her a call and be like listen, I know it means a lot to you that we are there on xmas eve, but this year we aren’t doing that. The baby has a very strict bed time, and we are sticking to it. If you don’t like it, to bad because she comes before your needs, and wants and you should be able to understand that. We will see you tomorrow and that’s that. If she has anything else to say to it, just tell her it’s final and you aren’t going to change your mind. If she tries to argue with you simply say I need to go now, see you tomorrow and hang up. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down.
Do what u want. Ur an adult. We do no Christmas activities with extended family on Christmas eve or Christmas day
You, your husband and daughter is your family now. Nothing wrong with in- laws but y’all need to do your own thing on Christmas eve if that’s what you and your husband wants. I wouldn’t worry about what anybody else thinks.
I mean if you already told her than just leave it at that. No reason to let it bother you.
I think it’s reasonable since you’re having dinner with them the next day
Do what YOU want! It’s your life and the sooner you take control the sooner they will get the message loud and clear
Your little family comes first! Do what you want! They will get over it. My in-laws always have dinners either on the same day my family does or they revolve around my MIL sister, and will plan it for one day but because of her they change it at the last minute and don’t tell us. Past 3 years we’ve not went because they always change it! And we both agreed we are done with family dinners on that side. I’ve even invited them to come to our house for dinner but they have another dinner with friends so they can’t. Oh well. I’m done trying and refuse to even ask ever again. they get mad and say we need to come around but it’s hard to do when you change the dates and don’t tell anyone till that day! Just do you and forget them. They will get over it. If not, they will Be very Miserable
Once I had kids I let everyone we don’t leave our house on Christmas Day. I don’t wanna take my kids away from all their new toys they got that day. I do let everyone know they are welcome to my house and I cook basically all day so there is always food to eat at my house all day. People can come and go as they please all day but we don’t go anywhere. We do other holidays at in the in-laws but Christmas is home. It took for a while to agree but my oldest is 13 and they usually come the night before and stay the night so they can be there xmas morning with the kids.
Sounds like you’re being a child. Just say no?
She needs to not be selfish and pick A-day. You have other family, y’all have other responsibilities.
We choose not to do anything Christmas Day and usually have our family gathering Christmas eve. Play switch off hosting each year. We don’t go anywhere Christmas Day. That is the day for my kids to open their presents, stay in their pjs and just play all day.
Sometimes you just won’t be able to please certain people and don’t worry if it’s family. The good thing about being grown is that you can set the boundaries and pick what you will attend and when and for how long. O well to anyone not trying to help with you, your husband and your child! I say this because your doing great! If you weren’t doing so well, pushing toward goals for the better, that would be different.
It’s liberating and they will adjust or get over it.
I think there’s probably more tension within this family than just Christmas eve. Everyone knows that once there’s a little bit of tension then anything else is just fuel to the fire … After that everything is a big deal.
I feel for ya… I’d comment more but when I say things good or bad its blown out of proportion by family…
With HER selfishness? Wow, one should be so lucky to have family to spend the holidays with. I don’t hear any mention of your side of the family. Wondering if they live nearby. Nothing wrong with starting new traditions, but you didn’t have to tell her you would be having Christmas Eve at home next year as “a little family.” What is she, chop liver? If anything it was your husband’s place to discuss this with her.
Kudos to you for telling her! Now, stick to your guns. Of course there will be blow-back - it’s family after all! Happy holidays pass the wine!!
I mean I look at this two ways. That’s your family(mother in law) and you should cherish the fact that she includes you. You should also be thankful you have family near for the holidays. Many of us don’t. On the other hand, 2 days back to back is a bit much with your husbands work schedule and having a little one that will turn into a spawn of satan if kept away past 8/8:30. Maybe ask if the festivities can be moved up to start earlier in the day? That way the baby can get home and get to bed on time? Either way, you apparently already told her what’s what so now deal with it🤷🏻♀️
I also agree with you! You have every right to stay home and start new traditions if you want.
My granddaughter is on a strict schedule for bedtime too and when her dad has her he let’s her stay up late and eat cake/ candy before bed making it difficult for my daughter to get her back on schedule.
Stick to your guns and do what’s best for your family. Merry Christmas!
It is not too late to start your own traditions. Your group, your choice.
There is nothing wrong doing it your way stay strong
I do whatever I want period. They’re my children and these our our traditions and my time with them, you’re never wrong for putting your family first when it comes to the holidays. Especially when they’re this young. We told everyone no thanks and will be here making cookies, watching a movie and reading books… or whatever we want compromise on something that doesn’t make you miserable, if it’s on Dec 23rd, do that. The holidays are supposed to be a happy time, if you’re this upset don’t go. It’s not worth it.
Do for your family.
Lost my mom, brother and sister recently. Family left doesn’t want us. Happy with my husband and I.
Most of these replies are hateful. So many of you seem so angry , who was mean to you ? Damn.
Op, like others have said , stick to your guns.
She is already ‘pissed’ don’t go this year then! If she asks tell her she is already mad so decided to stay home. I would think you and your husband are tired too. I know that ‘guilt trip’ well. And how I felt to abide so my Mom wouldn’t be upset. Tell hubby to buckle up and say’no we decided to stay home’ or call in sick!!
It’s your child, your family, your Christmas. You deserve to be happy too and a toddler isn’t going to remember anyway. Christmas Day is plenty for extended family. Enjoy Christmas the way you want.
We used to bring our kids to family functions and put them in their pjs and have their bottle at the party and fall asleep on someone or on the floor. Once my son fell asleep on the rug in front of the kitchen sink at my cousins New Year’s Eve party lol.
I get it. My mil and husband’s grandparents also demand that we all be at their houses on Christmas Eve. We are all so tired by the time Christmas morning gets here, because we do 2 family get togethers on Christmas Eve. At least my family does things the weekend before or after Christmas.
Why is she doing xmas eve AND Xmas day? When do you see your own family?
Would you go to your mothers Xmas party?