I feel alienated and shunned by my family

When I got married a few years ago, I invited all of my family. But no one came, except my father and step mother. Even though my family lives less than 30 minutes from where I live. It was a very relaxed. We wanted people to come and enjoy themselves, verses making people be uncomfortable or feel they had to dress up. My husband and I had both been married before. So our service was more for enjoyment than for hype. Well my sister got married recently and my ENTIRE family went. It was over 2 hours away from where they live. My aunt, uncle, multiple cousins, their spouses, and all of their kids went as well. Her service was large, expensive, and her first marriage.
Years ago I had a falling out with my step mother and she can’t keep her mouth shut (which was part of the reason for the falling out). I am sure she has drug my name through the mud with all of family, without a second thought. I have been told by family members some of the things she says and it makes my blood boil. My aunt and my step mother are close. I feel that’s the reason the entire family went to my sister’s wedding and skipped mine. This is a VERY short version of the long story that has unfolded over the last 8 years between my step mother and myself.
I am having trouble letting these feelings of betrayal go and moving on. My family has never been close and I’ve always felt like an outsider. Even though we lived close, I was never invited to any family functions. I don’t feel as though I can trust them and I feel as though it’s time to cut them out of my life for good. But is that too drastic? Am I overreacting? Was it an honest mistake? I overthink everything and I may be doing it again. This is something I can’t come back from or take back if I do it. Maybe it’s best I just keep my distance and let things fall where they may. Advice?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel alienated and shunned by my family

I am so sorry. Find new friends, make them your family, and live your best life.

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If they wanted to be there they would of…sometimes we don’t have the family we want…let go and make your own among friends and those close to you :100:. I have friends closer then family and family farther then strangers. Doesn’t matter, if someone wants to be there they will be. Let it go don’t hold grudges just forgive for your own sake and cut ties unless they change

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Let them go. Try sending the birthday cards and Christmas cards with your year in review. And leave it at that. My family is The same way. I don’t know what happened but I tried for 2 years, saying sorry if I did something to offend you. But nothing changed. With my brothers especially. I pray for my family and their health but get together are to few and upsetting. So you just have to let it go. Sometimes things will happen to bring family back together but if it doesn’t you need to think of you “new” family (husband and kids), and let old family take care of itself.

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I would keep my distance and not say a word. Just keep praying for them. God bless you.

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Ummmm…NO SHADE but it sounds like you dont have to “cut them off” just continue existing and living YOUR OWN LIFE…think about it yall weren’t close to start with and before all this you’ve been existing so why exactly do you wanna start anything now? How about you just do NOTHING and simply ENJOY YOUR LIFE…

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Family is not blood. Its what you make it and who you allow in your life!! None of my family members but like three see me and my husband and none of his family see’s us either and we got four kids. It don’t bother us at all !!! We are our own little family and we are just happy with that!!!

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Family isn’t necessarily blood related
Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself is stop trying with them, start doing what makes you happy and let them come to you if they choose
Stop allowing them to question your self worth
You only get one chance at life and it is too short to spend trying to make things right when it’s not your fault
Sending love and healing :two_hearts:

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Same boat sis I know exactly how you feel, but I cut everyone off besides my mother. Keep your head up you are not the problem.

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Don’t beg anyone to be in your life. Be happy and enjoy your new life. Your family sounds toxic and the gossip? I would distance myself from the drama and enjoy my life. I would just no I don’t want to hear the gossip if I was you. And concerntrate on the people in your life that matter.

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Steeping back and seeing who keeps in contact and who really gives a shit if a good way to weed out the people who don’t deserve to be a part of your life… Let them remove there selves so that way it kinda laid to rest and Future gathering y’all have no choice but to attend such a funerals isn’t totally awkward… That’s what I done and my family circle is literally a polka dot … I’m happy with my few blood family and even more not blood family … I have felt so alone since my mama passed but I got married this weekend … And was absolutely shocked at how my little family pulled together and made my wedding perfect

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Time to move on. Get some counseling and stop worrying about what others think. Just because they are family doesn’t mean they are going to stick by you and that they have your best interest at heart.

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Leave that drama right where it is. Your life will be better, happier without it. You will more likely find non family that treats u better than family. Focus on the family that you’ve created, the family that loves u unconditionally, the family within your home​:wink::slightly_smiling_face:

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Move on.It is over now.Make tour new family, try to mend fences but if they choose to believe stepmother okay. Make friends with husbands family and friends. Since you say sisters wedding was a big fancy affair are they only impressed by money?

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I wouldn’t necessarily say cut them off but live your life . If they come around they come around if they don’t they don’t. Send holiday cards once in a while. Heck most families only get together now for funerals. Enjoy your life don’t waste your time thinking about who likes you and who doesn’t the people that want to be in your life will the people that don’t wont.

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Your immediate family and peace of mind is more important than having a big family drama. Don’t let them affect your happiness. We all want the big happy extended family especially with the holidays coming up. Reality is being happy in your house and making your own family with friends and family that are always there.

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Fakkk them and just concentrate on your family. It sucks this is happening due to your stepmother. There’s no point on trying to look good for them or do things right because seems like they don’t care and that’s how u should start feeling too.

Stop thinking about it and go with your gut instinct. It’s usually right :woman_shrugging:t2:
Just pick one and go with it

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Adreanna Dugan it’s very much possible that her family stopped dealing with her over rumors from the stepmom. I’ve gon thru the same exact thing, it’s been 28 years for me. Family can be your worse enemy and make u look like a villain. I truly understand where she’s coming from. I just leave them and all their drama. My life is very happy without them in it​:wink::slightly_smiling_face:

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Pick your battles. What is truly worth your efforts in life? Drama? Keep stirring the pot? Or be the bigger chaos free person? Let your character shine and ley their tell the tale of who they also are. You cajsing a ruckus isnt going to make time go back to wedding date and them appear there. They made their choice. Make yours. Enjoy the peace over havoc.

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idk what your past history is with your family. I’m actually surprised your dad and step mom went. esp your step mom!. given the problems you 2 have had.

after rereading this it has made me think perhaps there is more to the story. but definitely odd they went to your sister’s wedding and not yours. there has to be a reason.

I’d hate to think everyone has believed the things she has said about you. and based their decision her. I’d hope they would at least speak to you about it. or atheist maybe let you know what is being said. but then again I do t like drama and that’s a headache for the 1 involving themselves.

  1. are you overreacting
  2. are you taking it personal
  3. do you have valid reason
  4. give it time see what happens before you act or speak.
  5. if it’s still bothering you, you can always asking them why they are distant etc esp if they haven’t always been that way. that way when you approach they don’t feel attacked . maybe they would feel comfortable you brought it up vs the elephant in the room. I suppose I’ve found most are completely comfortable in the room.
    you can always start the conversation. it’s usually awkward for others to.

good luck!

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I cut out every single toxic person out of my life and I’m better for it.

This crap of “But they are your blood.” Is exactly that crap!

TOXIC IS TOXIC!

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Tell them to screw themselves and cut them off for good. Make it known you’re not going to tolerate asshole behaviour. That’s a poor excuse for a family.

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I hope you enjoyed the day, that’s all that matters because it was your day

Niki Martin but you aren’t giving a baby daddy hundreds of dollars.

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From the small snippet presented I don’t see that is grounds to cut everyone off. I’d still give the impression that they are welcome on like Christmas Day…. Or have a family reunion in the park every other year or something… keep them at Ames distance and don’t tell your private business to anyone. Just the basics. You aren’t obligated to share details with them. They may approach the world differently than you so they interact with it differently.
You need to build a family of those you trust … family isn’t always blood.
Cutting some people off then limits your access to some you don’t have issues with. :woman_shrugging: we won’t know the whole story …… but keep them distant.

I’d just straight up ask them why they went to hers and not to yours… that’s just rude in my opinion… I had .y wedding Nov 2019 and my whole family came , I even had my aunt and uncle fly in from nova Scotia ( I live in Ontario )
My grandpa didn’t even attend his own dauughtes wedding for some reason but came to mine . Family is weird, we had a if wedding though like 150 ppl :sweat_smile:

Your family is what you make it. Blood is not thicker than water… in my case.

They’ve told you all you need to know. Immerse yourself in your husband and life with him and create self love. You will have all you need there. I know your pain. :two_hearts: …people are shitty.

Let them go just cuz they blood don’t make them family girl it sucks but fuck them!

Oh hun. I’m the same. I don’t know that I should offer advice. But I would totally go with your gut. :heart:

Snip snip toxic comes i. All forms get rid and be at peace

Honestly, if your step mom is dragging you through the mud and your own family is BELIEVING it then I would immediately cut your family out. They are choosing to believe someone that’s only been there for X amount of years rather than trust you who’ve they’ve known since you were born. That’s ridiculous imo. :woman_shrugging:t2: Plus if they are causing you this much stress and grief they aren’t good for you anyways. Create your own family, blood doesn’t make people family…as I’m sure you know given your history you posted with your “family”.

Do what’s going to make you happy and besides it was your day not theirs. Who cares if they didn’t come. All that matters is that you was happy on the day you hot married. If I was you I’d just let things u fold how they are going to. And look after whats yours. Just find peace with the situation and live your best life to the fullest.

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I dont go to peoples second and third or fourth marriages because im not buying a gift for every boyfriend turned husband, could it have something to do with that?

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F them. Their actions were a big a** sign. Keep your distance. Your gut does not lie.
Not a single person showing up was ridiculous… Unless you had your marital gathering on a date that clashed with holidays, weather was bad, covid was out of control, you or your husband are awkward or you just want a pity party. If none of those things apply. And your sister didnt even show up… Time to treat family accordingly. :exclamation::exclamation::exclamation:

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Enjoy your new husband! It sucks your own blood blew you off. Reach out to them on your own and work on individual relationships if that is what you want from them. Other wise, just move on with your life.

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Definitely seems like there is more to the story so it’s hard to give advice. Removing toxic people from your life would be the healthier option for you. If you are harboring guilt for anything and that is why your not sure if you should move on or not, I recommend making amends and owning up to your past and if your family is still distant then walk away and move on with your life. :pray:t3: wishing you the best

I would keep my distance and leave it at that!! I know it hurts I’m so sorry but some people are just shity no matter who they are

Move on sis… I’d walk and not look back.

Stop trying and comparing. The best revenge is indifference.

Run as far away as you can from this group of people. They are not YOUR people. People know what they’re doing and as long as you let em, they will.

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Just go ghost, don’t make a dramatic scene and tell them to fuck off.

Just stop communicating all together.

I don’t know your family history but sounds like maybe you were venting to stepmom about family and she ran and told what ever you said.

I ghost people who cause chaos and stress in my life, family or not, life’s to short to worry about who likes me, who doesn’t, who’s mad and who’s not. I got my husband and kids, I need nothing more than that!!

Contact them all individually and ask them why. Then take the appropriate action. As for me I also like to tell everyone what they did on Facebook :slight_smile:

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I never go to family stuff l dont feel welcome l dont have a relationship with siblings an not so much with my parents “my mom” so l pretty much cut them off im happy an adding happiness to my happiness an definitely protecting my peace… Remember that day was your day dont let them get to you an dont post anything about it cause your letting them know they got to you !!

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I learned the hard way that the family you are born into isn’t necessarily the family you are meant to be in. Find your real family and center yourself there. It’s hard but it is so worth it :green_heart:

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Family’s are weird. My husband and I have 22 direct Aunts and Uncles between the 2 of us, they’re 95% married with 2-5 kids who now have 1-5 kids. Our extended family is huge. We rarely get invited anywhere. It took a long time for it to stop hurting. And I still don’t fully understand why it is the way it is. A lot of it is religion, some is gossip, some is lack of communication, some of it is personality conflict, some of it has been because of other deaths.

I’ve learned you can’t make people love you. I’ve learned to appreciate the framily that are steady in our world. We have a small circle but it’s genuine and there’s no question amongst us all that there is true care.

I won’t pretend it happened over night. I won’t pretend it doesn’t still hurt. But separating myself and our family from them was very necessary for my heart and my head. And to protect my kids. It’s one thing to hurt me, but I won’t let them hurt my kids, I’ll be damned.

The hype word is toxic, I don’t know that’s the right description. It’s more like square pegs and round holes. Just not the right fit.

Build the life you want with the people that are good for you and to you. Try and let go of the rest. :yellow_heart:

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Your 2nd marriage to the same guy might be a reason alone and your sister has gotten married for a first time. Seems you always have them feelings anyway. My older sister always feels the same way about our family and chooses to stay away and keep her kids away. There was nothing wrong but when she needs us she reaches out but never comes back as a family member. Maybe you need some counseling to get those feelings out and go as long as you need to be happy with yourself

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Course step mum went so she could not look bad in your dads eyes and also gives her something to feedback to the others!
Cut them off except your dad bless him sounds like he is the only one that loves you unconditionally xxx

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F<"( em :tipping_hand_woman:
Your spouse is your family now. His family that showed up for the wedding is also your family.
I hate you feel so shunned, but it’s poison to hang onto feelings of betrayal and hoping they were in your life.

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Blood makes you family, not the way they treat you. You’ve made a new family when you got married so focus your efforts on building that one. You can wish them well and love them from afar but move forward from that toxic relationship with your family before it ruins your new marriage/life.

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If your family allows your step mom to drag your name under the mud, without asking you about it, then that is on them. They don’t respect you. They don’t sound like they should be given a second thought. Maybe just have a relationship with your dad and leave the rest alone. Don’t let them ruin your life. Your wedding sounded awesome BTW

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We had to cut off lots of family on my side and hubby’s side best decision ever toxicity isn’t good for your lil family take care of y’all and eventually it will get easier and you’ll get used to being to yourself💕

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I would try and have a sit down talk and ask if you did something that’s made them mad why their acting like that that’s the problem no one want to communicate or talk because there’s always their truth and your truth. Prayers that it gets resolved.

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Sometimes cutting the family ties alone is the best thing you can do for yourself. Eventually, others will see the bs and realize why some no longer come around.

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Move on, let them and there negativity go. Enjoy yourself and your marriage. Misery loves company don’t let them bring you or your marriage down. You have your husband to love and support you. In my honest opinion I would have never wanted them to be apart of my wedding or even invited them.

Move on. Them not showing up to your wedding should’ve been a sign already on where you stand in their life.

My dad’s side of the family is toxic and I hate them all. My mom died when I was 8. Brother and I received SSI Death benefits up until we was 18.

In middle school, my brother and I lived with my uncle and aunt so my dad could get back on his feet (he fell apart after losing our mom). All the money we received (SSI), should’ve been in savings. Do the math, 1200 each month for 4 years. They both were well off financially so money was NOT an issue for them. They just got greedy.

Freshman year, I wanted to buy a car and remembered about the money that should’ve been in savings. Went to the bank and both my brother and I combined only had $1400. We closed the account and 2 hours later, the entire family came to our house and chewed us out. Her and my uncle both came and had sob stories on how much they loved us like we were their own kids and how they felt betrayed and etc.

Ever since that day, I don’t care for my dad’s family. Not even my grandparents bc they told us to pay back the $1400 that was “their” money. To this day, I don’t speak to any of them but just one aunt.

Blood isn’t always thicker than water. Send xmas cards and that’s it. Focus on you and your family. You’ll be happier once you can let go of the toxic things in your life. Grass isn’t greener on the other side unless you water your own first.

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As an adult you get to and need to set boundaries. You decide how your going to be treated, what you’ll allow and what you won’t, respect is earned. It’s ok to cut people off if they bring nothing but stress to your life. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who don’t make you happy.

Let it go and move on. I’m 60 and have been considered the black sheep of a very large and close family my whole life. I’ve been joked about as being the least loved child and I feel your pain. I just distanced myself, moved to TN, only see important people when I visit like grands and parents or anyone who takes the time to come see me. Concentrate on being your best person and don’t wallow in it. Be strong and remember; if your presence wasn’t appreciated, maybe your absence will be. Be strong love!

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Family supports who they want to support. Yes they love other more than some. Keep your peace.

Live your life, acknowledge all celebrations with cards, but just live….your heart can only take so much…you know what is true and right, and live accordingly….if they want to be with you, they will, if they dont, they simply wont….hard lesson for me to learn, but my hurting heart was broken so much…Im sorry you are in this place of your life.

Never seek your validation from others.
Sorry you’re struggling :pensive:

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It sounds like they already cut themselves out of your life. Surround yourself with people who bring you positive energy. Life is too short to stay attached to the negative.

Glenda Spencer I know and it’s very sad. I agree family can be the worst have some pretty toxic family. we don’t speak. and my life is better for it

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After my father passed away my aunt sent me a letter telling me why she didn’t want to be in my life I was 9. My dads side of the family distanced themselves and I left it at that. If they don’t want to be in your life because they want to be petty and not talk things through then I would cut ties and live your life with your husband. You don’t need others approval or acceptance to make you happy no matter the past. Look at the whole almost 2 years we have had people shouldn’t hold grudges and be petty but they do. I hope you find happiness and let everything go. Live your life :heart:

they cut you out. you might choose to accept it. you would be better off not trying to push relationships with anyone, not even relatives. be happy with people who invite you and choose to be happy with you.

I had to distance myself from my family after my mom died…i tried getting along with them all but just got tired of their abuse so I’ve been there for me it’s better to let them go

If they don’t contribute to your inner peace or anything, for that matter, don’t lose your sleep over it. Keep your head up high and focus on your family and yourself. Much love.

It can be hard, my niece was recently married and all of my family was allowed to attend except me because my sister threatened to call the cops if I showed up, it is unfortunate that some people can’t grow. Up or put their personal feelings aside for the happiness of others, the hurt I felt was unbearable, but in the end the people who shun you or try to make you feel like a crappy person are the ones. Who are unhappy with themselves and can’t stand to see you happy ! I have made the decision to cut the negative people from my life because I deserve much better ! Don’t give them the satisfaction by playing into their pathetic games !

I’m so confused and there’s way too many missing factors I feel like because your step mother still showed up and she’s the one you had the issues with. What side of your family didn’t show up?! Who are you most upset with? I honesty don’t believe you’ll get the help you’re really asking for if you can’t be specific and in details of which side of the family didn’t come. What’s a few years ago? I’m guessing not during covid?

I feel like there’s something missing. If there’s something on your end that hasn’t been resolved, and it’s important for you to be a part of the family, I say swallow your pride, apologize. And if that doesn’t do any good, than I guess it’s time to move away from toxic feelings and toxic people.

No it’s not drastic and you are NOT overreacting. I see so many people holding on to toxic family. It gets you nowhere. Do what’s best for you period.

The only family who came to mine besides my kids was my mom and step father, and they didn’t even stay long. My new MIL left early as well, as did one of my new step children. A few of dh’s friends from 4 hours away were there, and a couple of his local friends. Dh’s uncle was there too, So there was that. It made me so sad and disappointed. But all my children were there for me <3 They all danced together during our song and it was precious.

Let things fall where they may. If you want to reach out, then try. If they don’t respond, let them be the ones missing out on your life

Let them go…they are living their lives with or without you. Move on, completely and live your life. Just because it’s “family” dosent mean you need to keep it around. Good luck

I don’t think it’s necessary to take that 'cut them out decision. It looks like it’s practically like that anyway. It’s yourself you have to look after…so be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up. Just one question…did lots of family turn up to your first wedding? Don’t forget it’s your sisters first wedding so don’t let this spoil her day…be there for her. If you start discussions between other famy members it can put a downer on her wedding. Take care of you.

Toxic is toxic! Let them all go and live your best life. Best thing I did in the last year!!!

When people show you what giant likes of :poop: they are. Believe them, and go make your own life.

Id cut them out. They sound toxic. If they choose to not have a relationship with you based off the opinions of someone else, then that’s on them. Find your tribe elsewhere. Protect your mental health and just move on.

Cut them loose. Sometimes the loneliest place to be is with people who are supposed to care.

Yes, just stay away. Mind your business with your husband and kids!

I mean…it wasn’t your first wedding. When my cousin got married for the second time barely anyone came either as compared to the first time (and the first time was 4 hours away vs right in town). I guess if I was getting married for the second time I wouldn’t expect people to come either. My first wedding was big but that makes sense. It’s your first (and hopefully only for me lol).

If you feel that’s not the case and they didn’t come out of spite then cut them off🤷🏻‍♀️

You answered your own question ! Keep your distance and as hard as it is let go of them as they obviously for some reason don’t really want to associate with you.And you can’t force them to want to visit or attend your wedding or functions. It’s sad but sometimes things can be complicated with family.

I learned the hard way, blood doesn’t mean family. Cut them out.

You have to make your own family, and leave those toxic people behind.

I am just wondering if not going to your wedding but your sisters is because last year no Covid vaccine and this year there is?

I don’t think you need to cut them out of your life as it sounds like they have already cut you out.

I’m 21 and have been dealing with something similar minus the wedding stuff.

My mother lost our house when I was 11. I ended up having to move from aunts and uncles to foster care etc.

Throughout these passed 10 years. My family has turned on me. They don’t invite me to any family functions. I haven’t been to one in a year. They live 20 minutes from me. Multiple of my family lives so close. I’ve literally went to my mothers door, sat on my knees and cried to have 5 minutes of her time but instead, I got a closed door to my face. I was 15… did nothing wrong. I was the best child I could be out my siblings. But instead I got the shit end of the stick. I have a 2 year old son they haven’t seen since he was eight months old.

They don’t even have the audacity to send a text asking to see me. No matter how many times I’ve reached out, I don’t hear a single word from them.

I cut them out of my life 5 months ago. I don’t talk to any of them. I don’t open or read any messages I receive from them. Nothing. I actually don’t have any of them on facebook. Only my mother unfortunately.

It hurts, a lot to be on the outside and not have family. But it’s made me a better person for my son and to show him that is not how family works. I take counselling to talk about it but I’m doing good. I feel better without them always tearing me down!

At times family can be the most toxic to be around

I want to know what the falling out was over….

I’d just move forward and let it be

Cut them out??? Honey, you have missed the message–they have cut you out. Heal from Betrayal Redirecting...

Let it go cause U alot of pain

Did you bother asking any of them why they didn’t come? That’s a huge part of the story that we need to know in order to give any kind of advice.

Why the fuck would you care? Family doesn’t mean blood.

Hard to judge when you only have one side and don’t really know what happened…as someone who’s step sisters just totally trashed my mom and my siblings starting a whole bunch of shit I know there’s reasons why family doesn’t attend functions for certain family members…sometimes you have to disown and move on

No cut them out,I had sister in law that did the same to me,then others joined in so live your live n forget all of them

Go talk to them directly. They should hear both sides of the story. Not what someone says to stir the pot.

If they’re stealing your peace? I’d say let them go. I cut out several family members because they’re toxic and don’t respect my boundaries. It’s made my life so much better. When people show you who they are, believe them.