I feel guilty when I go out with my ex and our child: Advice?

Its not an attempt to rekindle your relationship with your ex, they refer to it as “Coparenting” and as your son gets a older and more inquisitive, you can explain to him, Just because the 2 of you arent together doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends and do things together with your son, and in turn, if for some reason your son has the same situation (hopefully he doesn’t), but if he should, then you guys will have done your part and taught him how to handle it responsibly. My exwife and i haven’t been together for several years, but we still do things for each other because we are friends above all else and those actions instilled in our daughter just how much we love her.

I think that special occasion is good. Anything to do with school etc. my ex and I were oil and water but when it came to our son, we put aside our differences. Every one was shocked we could come together like that. I would feel uncomfortable to go on outings. Let your son have his time with dad as long as you feel he’s safe. I hope it all works out.

You are still a family though, even if it’s your ex you share a child and that child deserves some family time, if it turn volatile stop, but some people are just toxic together and do fine as friends afterward. I think your kid is smart enough not to read too much into if you’re just spending a few hours here and there.

I know this may sound easier said than done, but instead of feeling like you’re turning down time with your son, remind yourself that it’s just more time your son gets to spend with his dad one on one.

I think your son seeing you guys interact civilly during any outing is positive for him. If you guys argued or the conversation was less than friendly than obviously this wouldn’t be a good idea. But if you can all three spend time together pleasantly then i think you should do it. Perhaps the more often you do it then it won’t feel so awkward for you.

I think sometimes it’s good so your son can see that you can both be there for him for important and special things. Beyond that do himand your current s.o. get along?if so see if you can all do something together

I think you could handle it with him not even knowing, believe in the process. You hold all the cards in this scenario.
No need to voice, causing drama. When he ask, simply thank him, let him know whatever it is sounds fun. Wish them a great time, and don’t be available. Have a pedi or mani appointment… Have a whatever makes you unavailable.
They go on to a good day, and so do you.
I disagree that it is heathly. Not for your bf, not your son. YOU! YOU COME FIRST AND THAT’S OK.
Civil. No conflict. Boundiars

I can tell you’re a great mom, just because of the level of guilt that you are feeling. You poor thing. Always go with your gut. If you feel like you’re going to send the wrong message to Dad, then stop it right now. You can have separate things and you should never feel guilty for that. It’s always great if you can coparent, be you have to go with your gut. If you’re not comfortable, your baby is going to is going to feel it

Are the visits contingent on the father being present? Cuz he isnt necessary for you to have a relationship with your son. The boy is old enough to understand, you two can bond without the ex

I think you need to make it clear to your ex that you’re uncomfortable with his offers and you would rather him not ask. Sure birthday’s, and holidays, like cmas and Thanksgiving it should be a family thing but he needs to understand that you have moved on and your partner will be involved. If he hasn’t moved on he needs to.

Ask your child if he wants that time to be just him and his father’s time or if he likes you being there. If he likes you being there, pick a certain family day and only that day is for you to be involved in that time he’s with his father. I do this with mine.

Hmm…this is a hard one…I say that outings are fine: trips, activities like bowling or golf…nothing intimate like dinner. It’s good for your son to see a healthy relationship and you both being good parents. I do think if you feel its inappropriate or too intimate…then you need to set boundaries. I know plenty of parents who even do holidays together, vacation together and do family outings…I say have a talk with him and be clear/firm.

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Maybe he doesn’t know how to talk or interact well with your son and he invites you as the buffer and conversation starter. I would just tell him you aren’t coming anymore because you really need to take advantage of the time you don’t have your son to get stuff done and you need a break for me time. Cuz honestly you wouldn’t be lying. You do need “me”time and you can get lots done with out your son around.

it is good for your son to see you two getting along. kids of divorced parents can be very tense when both parents are in the same room.

Has anyone ekse noticed that these so-called fan questions are all written by the same person? I think it’s all phoney. And then we go and with ozr hearrs bleeding for that person we write essays full of empathy and goid advice (well, some). I’m going to invest my precious time in real stuff. Over and out!

Ex is an ex…now if he the father he should bond with them.if its a “special occasion” birthday, graduation, baptism, first car, first apartment, prom . going to college. There is a separateness you realize and respect.

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Maybe see if your new significant other is welcome to go along too that way your son sees a blended family

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I saw a lovely picture of Giada (the chef lady ) at Disney with the ex and their daughter…it was cute…hey, your son will always be your son, but he will be little for a little time. Go. Please…just be sure to say “were just friends”…and make it light and breezy.

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My ex and I have a 9 year old together and have not been together for 5 or 6 years. We get along really well and go out quite often as the three of us, or with my other two kids as well. It honestly does not confuse our child because we talk to him about it (many times) and we’ve had those conversations with each other… I’ll say that this has been way better for our son than doing everything separate (which we used to do), and he’s a lot happier than my other two kids, who’s father and I don’t even speak… if there’s something deeper making you feel uncomfortable you shoukd address that, but just having those conversations will probably help all involved.

Would you be more comfortable if he was in a new relationship too? Or if you brought your new guy?
There isn’t anything wrong with being friends and doing things together if you are both comfortable with that- if not, then you need to stop going to those outings . . .

Your new bf should be able to go with. If his intentions are good it wouldn’t be a problem. Good way to find out real quick what he’s up to.

I think open and honest communication with all parties will benefit you, here. Like making sure your ex knows you’re here for the kid, not for him. Making sure the kid knows this doesn’t mean anything romantic. Also, when you said “I don’t want to masquerade as a family with him,” I think I understand what you mean, but he is still a part of your sons family, so visa vi a part of yours. I think it’s important for your son to see you coparenting in a healthy way and getting along with each other. With that being said though, I don’t think you should put yourself in a situation that you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe try it, but put limits to it. If you feel like it’s happening too often, it’s okay to say no. But I don’t think occasionally joining your ex for time with your son is unhealthy. I think it can be very healthy if all parties are on the same page about what’s happening.

It sounds like every time he has his son he wants you with him say NO let him figure out how to be a dad without you there to support him. You have another relationship try telling him ok my boyfriend and i would love to go to dinner with you let your son see its ok to move forward with someone else but still be pleasant with his dad

So I’m going to start of by saying I didn’t read the whole post (due to a small timeframe) and my daughter and ex husband and I go out and do things because we feel that she needs to see that we can still be friends even though we are not compatible as partners.

It’s important that everyone feel comfortable. I used to try and join in because I wanted kiddo to see he has 2 parents who could get along - but it always ended up with him focusing on me and asking for something, ranging from money to ‘trying again’ until he found some new girl to catch in his web, then he’d stop talking to us all together until that didn’t work out. He now doesnt contact us at all. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I told him I wasn’t interested in discussing anything unless it directly involved Kiddo, and he quickly found someone who fell for his BS and married him (who now tries to play buddy even though his father never talks to him…it’s weird as hell). But if that’s not the case I’d just tell your ex exactly what you wrote here and set those boundaries. If he has a history of being manipulative or abusive I wouldn’t feel guilty, Is just make it a hard no.

I will answer this question from the Viewpoint of someone whose daughter is now 38 years old. In my opinion, from my personal experience and from watching my friends in the similar situation, I think it is very unhealthy, except for special occasions where it’s an actual party with a lot of people, to continue to go out together as a family when you really aren’t. It is very confusing to the child.
I was always civil and kind to my ex-wife, but my daughter grew up knowing that her and I were not a couple. Also that there was no chance that we were ever going to get back together again. Whereas I watch my sister-in-law even at 63 years old cannot face the fact that her parents will never get back together, although they have been divorced for all her adult life since she was 13 years old

You are not confusing your son. You are setting a great example of love and respect and showing him family is still family.

I think your son needs to see that you and your ex can get along for him. I say go sometimes maybe not every time… your common ground is your son. Tell your ex that you are not interested in anything other than what’s beneficial for your son. I always invited my ex and his new wife to all the functions for my boys. Or if he was around where we live, we would all go out to eat or to the park or something. Or if I was driving through with my sons where he lived, we would all meet up somewhere. I also invited my new husbands ex and her new husband to holidays and functions for his kids. (he had custody) this went on until all of our kids (6 total) were of age… (unfortunately, my ex passed before my kids were of age) I get the volatile relationship too. I left because my ex hit one of our kids…(one thing to hit me, but not my kid) your feelings will be rocky about it all but you keep the best interest of your son at heart and it will work itself out. It took me a long time to allow my sons to go with their father by themselves because of past history. Within a yr of me allowing my sons to be alone with him is when he passed.

It’s called coparenting people do it everyday. Just cause you are civil dosent mean you wanna sleep with him you need to make that clear to him. That’s not your child’s problem nor should your child have to suffer because of it. You guys are the adults and kids shouldnt know or have to worry about adult problems or be made to feel like they are the problem. Co parenting is not a bad thing if you can be civil and be friends while doing it.

Omgoodness I could have written this. I don’t really have any advice on how to help you but I can literally relate 100% to everything you said!

I think it sets a good example for your son as long as there are clear boundaries.

Nothing wrong with your child seeing you two being civil. To me it shows him how respect and kindness should be.

Bottom line - if you aren’t comfortable - no. Been there. Lived it. My kids are grown and they did not miss me being there during that weird event.

I would join in. It’s about your son. Many people have wonderfully civil and friendly interactions co-parenting. You are lucky it’s no longer contentious.

He’s 4. He isn’t reading into anything. Ask your x why he wants you to go? Is your son crying for you? Otherwise, only go if it is a true “yes I’d love to” . Down the road there’ll be enough occasions to team up. School, sports, birthday parties etc. can’t he invite his mother ?

You are complicating things with your mind for yourself
Tell Ur ex u have moved on and that you are doing it for the good of Ur son
Talk to Ur son explain things to him,make him see your position at all times

Your son seeing you two be friends is the best thing you could give him

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Tell him you’re so happy that you guys are getting along since you’re co-parenting a little one but you want him to have all of his time with his son. Also explain to him that you don’t want to confuse your son into thinking his parents are getting back together. Stress that you’re glad that you’re getting along and being friendly especially while around your son, that way he understands that you like where your relationship is now.

I dont see how that will confused your child. After my divorce me and my x husband still came together to do family things such as shopping g for our daughter, family dinner here and there, we even took a trip to Disney. Not once did my daughter asked if we are together,she was happy that weren’t fighting.
If you no longer wants to do these things just let him know

I think you’re possibly sending dad mixed signals as well. If you’re truly uncomfortable, stop going.

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I think you sound like a level headed, fantastic mom. Choose outings that make you comfortable. You’re doing a great job.

I think it is great and will be even better if one day when you both have new partners they can also tag along and you can all get along. Your child will have so much love growing up he will be so lucky

Don’t go! The fact that people are telling you that you should go is CRAZY! He’s inviting you because HE wants you there. It has nothing to do with the child. :woman_facepalming:t4: so don’t listen to these people that are saying “go so that your child can see that you and the dad can still be friends”. That’s ridiculous. STOP GOING!

Start with a coffee, it’s good for your child to see you both get along, if it can be volatile, a whole meal might be too much right now! It’s good for your child to see ye get along if you can! Do what feels right, it sounds to me that he is trying to show his child that his mom is still important even though he is spending time with dad and that is a good sign but take it slow and in your comfort zone, it’s nothing romantic I feel, it’s for the child! Best of luck whatever you decide, put the child first xx

I see there’s already over a hundred comments on this post so mine might not make a difference but I thought with my experience I’d weigh in here. Have you thought about bringing along your current partner? My current husband of 3 years was convinced in the beginning that he wouldn’t even want my ex in the same room as me, but now we all live in the same house. There’s no confusion, the kids all know we’re not getting back together and once my husband got to know my ex, they’re friends now. We even take my ex out for his birthday lol. Not saying co-habiting with the ex is for everyone and no, there’s nothing kinky going on here either. I’m just saying that if you bring your partner it creates clear boundaries. Just my thoughts on it.

I wouldnt want to confuse my child and I definitely agree I wouldnt want to make my ex think we are getting back together. It’s ok to be uncomfortable with that and say no. Especially if you’re in a new relationship

He may be trying to show your son how he’s supposed to be treating you since you two get along Better as co parents. Just a thought.

I think it would be good for your child to see that his parents can get along and spend time together with him. That is if you guys can get along.

Is your son safe with your ex alone if so step up and start declining. It is sending mix signals to everyone. If the father ask why tell him this time if for him and yall son spend together and time for yall become adults and move on as co parents.

Your gut instinct is there for a reason and it never lies. Listen.

Communicate with your ex. With your current boyfriend. And your child. Be honest.

But you can still be a family and not be together. You can still do things together.

I have 2 girls with the man I was married to. It turned bad and I ended it. He saw the girls all the time and he always wanted me to go do things with them and I always said no. I was scared of him. But may 4th 2019 the 4 of us went to a bday party for a family friend and he died may 5th.

DONT GO. JUST SAY NO. You dont have to go with them. Your ex has motives trust me. He is manipulating you. Don’t confuse your kid. There is a reason you feel uncomfortable. Trust that feeling.

It sounds like he just wants to make it known to your child that even though you two aren’t together that it doesn’t mean you guys can’t get along and do things as a family together.

Go with your gut feeling unless your son really wants you there then I wouldn’t go uf it makes you feel that uncomfortable

You should move on with your life & not feel Guilty … you should go out with your SON even if his father will be there !!! You should only accept on special occasions until you get more comfortable …

Stop going. I think your son will be confused. It won’t be healthy in the long run.

Don’t go.tell ur ex it’s his time to bond with your son alone…simple as that

Personally, I’d go. If he is in a relationship, ask him to bring her along too. The day my divorce was over, me and him went and got ice cream cones, I paid. 🤷

He’s doing it so thing stay civil and showing ur son that u 2 can co-parent and get along so he has both parents

Don’t do it. Don’t fall for what people say. Two lives that’s reality… separate and apart as it should be.

This is a tough one for sure. If your gut says there’s something more, listen. If your gut says it’s innocent and y’all are doing it for your kid, listen to that too. Nothing wrong with either option. At all.

I think going to birthdays or things like that, you should also include your boyfriend too. I think it’s disrespectful to your boyfriend

I dont what kind of guy he is or how your relationship was but I know if this was my ex this would be another way of him manipulating me. He’d use the child and ‘family time’ as a way of guilting me into tagging along just because that’s what he wants. I dont know if that’s his motive or not. Hell, test him out. Next time he invites you out just say no and that you have other plans. If he accepts it no questions asked, good for him. If he gets mad and has negative things to say then you know his intentions werent that great to begin with.

Tell him you will
Be happy
To run into eachother at events such as school
Performances., but his time with your son is his time. You are not obligated to tag along. On the other hand., some
moms might want to be there to kind of supervise how they interact. But
No just don’t do it

It’s showing your Son even though you aren’t together the father still respect you and that will be the way he will treat women in the future so I think you should still go

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There’s no need for you to hang out with him so just say no.

Since you are asking this question you already know the answer. If you feel uncomfortable about it then don’t do it.

Your all a team and as long as it’s not fighting I think u should both try for your son

Is your new boyfriend a part of your sons life? If so, I think it is healthy for your son to see all of the adult figures in his life together. All of y’all together being friendly and focusing the attention on your son is so beneficial to his health and happiness


You are questioning yourself and should not. No quilt for self preservation

I do it all the time! It’s called co parenting!

I go over to my exes parent’s for holidays, and for fun, and because they’re awesome. They even came to my wedding, and treat my husband and I (and my brother and his kids) like family. My son’s father and I no longer hang out solo, but our son knows he’s loved by both parents and we have made efforts to spend important days together. And his dad knows he’s always welcome at our house.
When you put your child first it turns out for the best.

Edit: we have been split since I was pregnant and Luc turns 12 next month

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My ex were going through a divorce. We went out to a waterpark together. ( we live in different states) so when its his time for custody we do things together. When he comes to get them, we will all go to dinner or breakfast. He even slept in my house with my bf living with me. I wanted my children to know that although we are not together stability is key. I want them to not pick one over the other or be worried or scared of loving one more or even choosing sides. I wanted unity within the chaos. I’m still civil with him but he has a new family and he kinda leaves us alone. If he is willing to share his days to make your child feel safe secure and loved with both of you i would do it. You made this child with him. You feeling uncomfortable is kinda out the window. You do what is best for the child now. Co parenting wil get harder and harder as school starts and sports and stuff. Might as well get comfortable now

Ummm honestly dont .birthdays holidays great. But dont give the kid or ex false hope of a get back together

I think special occasions r fine. But if u dont feel comfortable just be honest and dont go.

Take your new guy with you. He will drop asking you

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Trust yourself and your instincts. You got this!

I’m ber civil with my ex and over Ben a relationship for almost a year and me and my ex have two kids together, once in a while he ask me to go places with him, I go cuz it gets me out of the house for a while plus spend time with just my kids, cuz when I’m home it’s either me and my bf and the kids plus my sisters 3 kids live with us, it seems I dont get much quilty time with my kids since I do work 5 days a week and they go to their dad as soon as he gets off of work on Fridays, I dont do anything but work and never have time or money to take them places, my bf and I have different schedules so most the time when he is off work I’m not and the other way around so even I wanted to take them somewhere I couldn’t cause I wouldn’t have much help with taking 5 kids to out. So when my ex offers me to go anywhere with him and the kids I take it cuz it gives me more time with my kids

Don’t go. It’s hard but you have to take care of your well being.

Go with your gut. If you’re uncomfortable with it, don’t go.

Follow your gut. I had an ex that did this to me. He was crazy abusive. Done is done

He’s crossing boundaries.

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Don’t go lol. Don’t even open that weird viotaille situation

My ex does the same. I don’t go!

If you feel uncomfortable I wouldn’t go.

Bring your significant other with you

Nope not a good idea

Chuck him out…it’s that simple…

Sit down with your ex and discuss it and set boundaries

Cut it off completely

I think that it’s important for a child to see both of their parents together… No matter how you feel about each other. You should be able to set aside your feelings about your ex for the sake of your kid. I think it’s great that he asks you to join them on occasion.


Well… the best outcome here, would be , that you tell your Son ( no matter how young he is ) , that you are a SEPARATED FAMILY. You can’t scape from being a family , because you have a descendent together , it is the tie that binds you.
Now, what you have , since you are separated, it is the power to choose what way you would like to manage that and most importantly, what way you would like for that to look like for your child.
You left him ,because your relationship was abusive , so … doesn’t that mean , that , the part where you didn’t get on as a couple, it is already over and done with ? Now you have been transitioning onto how you are going to get on as separated parents for the sake of your son.
None of this should be about you any more… it should be about your son’s future and you are the adult that has to make those best decisions, so that he can have a successful years ahead .
Being a free adult ( unless you are on a dangerous situation ) , it means , that if you are on a situation that is wrong for your child, then you leave that place immediately asap . It also means that it is time to leave the past behind and stop thinking about the " what ifs " .
Be honest to your child… I separated 13yrs ago and I always too mine that
" mum and dad where in love once and very lucky to have been together to have a baby , however, we started thinking differently as two individuals and that we didn’t agree on a lot of things. ".
If you have a good relationship with your ex, including being able to spend time all together, then your child will grow up knowing that he is a bond that will tie you all together forever , even if separated … he will grow up with a sense of belonging , rather than and elastic band , bouncing back and force . Have pride , but not too much thst you forget about what is truly important here.
I always spoke well about my ex ( and still do) to my children. My problems are not for my kids to have to bear… that would be ruthless and unfair to them .

My ex and I had a long, painful (for me)marriage. We had 3 kiddos, 12,10 and 7, when we split. At first, I tried so hard to share things together and it was a manipulative disaster and really confused my kids. My goal was to try and keep them "stable and as much “the same” as I could.
If the marriage wasn’t good it doesn’t work. Better to “rip the bandaid off”…the kids know things are not and will not be the same again,ever.
They are late 30’s now and they thank me all the time for leaving him and moving on. They have their relationship with him and and his wife and a relationship with myself and their step Dad. occasionally, there will be an event and we all go, and be pleasant but we moved on.
Much healthier and we all survived.

For all of you saying both parents should be able to go out together, clearly dint understand the situation! He’s a controlling sociopath! It is best for her to steer clear and make her boundaries known from a distance. Their relationship was volatile! He doesn’t want to see her happy, he wants to mind fuck her into thinking he’s a great person through their child. Stay your distance! Let him know you are in control, and don’t give him the power to control what is happy in your life.

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wow are we just Ms stuck up bitch You are going out a few times as a family it isnt a big deal and if he brings it up you say dad and I are friends and sometimes friends do things together You are making way to much into this you drama bitch

So don’t go anymore.

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I think you know what makes you uncomfortable. Its appropriate to have some boundaries.

If thats how you feel then STOP GOING

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Why don’t all of you have dinner together. It shows that you can have a healthy relationship with all the important people in your sons life.