Not really a mom related question but I need some advice so I got back together with my kids father after his wife passed away and now in having a hard time dealing with feeling like I’m in her shadow I know je loves me but I can’t help I don’t want to take her away from him she helped him grow up but I want the same energy from him as he is still giving her I feel guilty for feeling like this i don’t know what to do I don’t like being jealous of a dead woman and feel like I’m competing with her ive tried to make him understand but I don’t think he gets it any advise is helpful and appreciated thank you
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like I am living in my boyfriends exes shadow - Mamas Uncut
How long ago did she pss?
That’s a tough one. I hope you find some peace and direction with this.
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Therapy might help. For both of you
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Need more information on this one, how long ago did the wife pass? It might be a bit soon to get into a whole new relationship (even if he is the baby daddy) it’s a new relationship, he got used to the wife so it’s totally understandable he’s still grieving. If you are this worried now, it’s only going to fester animosity when he isn’t giving you the attention you want
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My husband lost his ex, and my bonus daughters mom. I understand how you feel. With time, patience, love and understanding, things will get better. It’s a very hard position to be in. Sending you love
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If he is still grieving his ex y’all probably jumped into a relationship to fast. Now you really have no choice bit to be patient with him or take a break with the relationship and give him the time he needs to completely heal.
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Honestly I feel you might have rushed into the relationship too soon. People grieve in so many different ways and there’s no time limit on it, I really think he should have took some time to grieve before he got back into another relationship. I wish you the best though I hope that you guys can work through this❤
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Personal development and therapy would probably be your best route to help you understand, validate, and move through this.
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How long has it been since she passed? Maybe you both could go to grief counseling. Talking and open communication are a big factor, that need to happen to calm your mind and his heart I feel.
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Never jump in with a grieving person
Be there for them sure, but they need to recover
It’s not healthy for him
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If it’s a recent pass he’s probably still grieving amd it might be too soon for a relationship.
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You rushed into it to fast
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I would have let him grieve before having relations . Just to be sure it’s what yall both want and no complications or having that feeling as you do now . Just give time and have patience . I hope it works out for the both of you.
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It sounds like he is still in the grieving process, patience and love, but don’t forget your worth. Time does not take pain away it just becomes bearable.
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As a person who had a spouse (fiancee) die…
It will take a very long time for him to process this and even start to grieve, and then start to heal. Esp depending on the circumstances of her death.
Its very hard, your feelings are mixed about a lot of things. He does love you but his brain has been traumatized in a way, and he will need your help and understanding.
16 years ago Jon committed suicide and I found him in our garage. I have ptsd, which was present before this, but this I’ve never been able to block out. I met my current husband 3 years later. And I was just then starting to even come out of my, I cant live fog when I met him. It was hard for him also, I have a memorial tattoo ad well. But he was very supportive and there for me to help me through it and my feelings and emotions and flashbacks. It did effect him like it is you as well. He used his support system of friends to talk with when he needed to.
I would highly suggest atleast some talk therapy for him. To start to help him work through this time and these emotions. Dont give up in him, he does love you. Wish you all the best, happiness and healing
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I’m on the other side of this. The father of my kids passed away and it’s tough. For some reason it’s always an issue with people. The jealousy and built up rage. I don’t know what it’s like for you exactly, but don’t let it overcome you. Have patience for him and know that HE CHOSE YOU. There will always be a place for her somewhere but he he wants you. That’s it.
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You need to leave. The man is still grieving meaning he isn’t over her, he hasn’t healed and he can become toxic, you’re just the warm body for now to not make him feel lonely. Leave.
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This is a difficult one and neither of you are wrong for the way you feel. I don’t know how long ago she passed but grief can take a long long time to come to terms with and we all deal and process it differently. If it’s getting you down that much maybe explain to him that a break is needed for you both as you feel he needs more time to deal with his wife’s death. Sometimes space is needed especially in a complex situation such as yours. Explain to him that he hasn’t done anything wrong but seperate time is needed right now, be empathetic if you do choose to go on a break because it will feel like another loss to him. It’s either that or be patient with him. There isn’t really another option as unfortunately these things cannot be rushed. All the best to you
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Sounds like you need to slow things down and lower your expectations
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Family therapy for everyone. His feelings of mourning are valid, and you need to be able to properly process your own. This situation desperately needs a mediator or it will rip your relationship apart.
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Losing a spouse isn’t the same as losing someone else. You literally lost the other half of you that made you whole. Sure you may in time find love and happiness again but it will never equate that unfortunately. There will always be that what if because its not like they chose to be apart, she died. She will always be there with him, she will always be in the back of his mind no matter how much time has gone by. Everyone grieves differently but its going to be tough, if you love him and want it to work you have to work with him and understand his situation also. And make sure he’s not just using you as a comfort measure for time to pass. Thats not love thats just you keeping his mind occupied.
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The Late Wife is Dead.
Not an Ex.
Makes a Difference.
Memory Lane is Tricky.
Wait on sex till he is more ready.
He would need to be building with you.
Showing interest in your shared present and future.
How soon after her death did you get back together, because it sounds like it was to soon for both of you.
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I’m in the same situation and I’ve turned to God about it because I refuse to stress over a man who thinks his shit don’t stank
You rushed in way to fast…….he is still grieving
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Been there trust me until he works it out you should leave him alone, it definitely did not end well for me he needs time or it’s doomed. I’m sorry that isn’t what you want Ed to hear
Too much drama. Get a d***o . You’re welcome .
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Let if go. As time passes you will become the one and only. If you let him love her and grieve. Jealousy will destroy your relationship with him.
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I think he needs space.
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It’s not a competition. The best thing you can do is help him to honor and remember her in a positive way. Therapy is always a good suggestion for everyone involved as well. But you can’t get upset if it seems she’s still apart of his life. In a way she always will be. Losing someone you love(d) romantically is a very hard situation. It’s not something you get through in days or weeks or months.
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Grief doesn’t have a timeline. As much as you want/need attention your love and patience will go a long way in the future. Try to be there and if you have to for the time being I wouldn’t focus so much on my feelings as much as I would about just trying to show love and support. You already said you know he loves you but just imagine if it were vice versa. It’s not like they split up she died and therefore you may always have some sort of jealousy there but there is a way for y’all to grow and heal and have a relationship but you will have to most likely be the bigger person and rise above your feelings and like I said just remain positive with love and support and understanding. I seen another lady who said she has been in your shoes and she had the same advice with a whole lot of love, support and understanding. Beat of luck!
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I would probably move on or just take a break. It sounds like he is grieving and he rushed into someone else’s arms too fast. May e he has kids and felt like he needed a full functioning family or felt they needed a womanly figure or simply didn’t want to hurt alone or be alone. I’d back up a bit.
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i would just take a break from everything , slow down and try to come to his level right now -for its nothing agaisnt u he is still grieving from his lose- try and be more understanding towards him. and things than may work out for the best between the 2- of you’s!
Honestly, if you think the relationship is worth, talk to him about counseling. Individual for both of you and couple.
It’s kinda sad
But you do come across as being jealous of a dead woman
He needs as much time to grieve as he wants
In a way it seems to me like you both jumped into a relationship
Way to soon after she passed away
Perhaps take a step back and give him some space
Perhaps organise some grief counciloring for him and your kids
As I guess they would be grieving for their stepmother
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I can tell you that when my ex passed, every guy that I dated after felt they were competing with him. And honestly, I feel it was true. The grieving process for me was very hard. I still grieve to this day but thankfully the relationship I ended up getting into, the man understood that I was still grieving and he made the decision to not take it as him competing but rather it being a completely different situation from himself and helped me through my process. I was truly blessed to find someone who just wanted to help and didn’t take what I was going through personally. I’m not sure how he managed to do it, but he did. So I would just say, try to do what he did, see her as a completely different situation and help your man through this process. I saw someone mentioned church, if God is something you believe in, that is most definitely a great idea and going to church definitely helped me. Therapy is also a great idea as well. I wish you the best. Hope things get better for you.
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Just be his support let him grieve don’t move fast let things slowly fall into place
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How long after his wife died did y’all get together? In what ways do you think uou live in her shadow?? Etc… As someone whose lost a lot of people-grief is life long- sometimes it will be easier and some days its like it just happened. You cant take her away from him- you just cant she lives in his heart but there is also room for you. He will always love her but he also loves you. Please put yourself in his shoes… how would you feel if he felt you grieved too much?? ( i think thats what you’re saying). He will probably keep pictures and momentos- that is normal doesnt mean he doesnt love you.
My advice to you would be 1. Please educate yourself as much as possible about grief- the five stages of grief are not like a stair case and have an end date… its life long and sometimes he will be sad and angry in a 10 minute span.
2. If you plan on spending your life with this man- then you are going to have to be patient, caring and loving.
3. Unless he has a shrine of her in your living room or bedroom. If he compares you and her like my wife used to etc… in any of these situations i would put some boundaries.
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Definitely sounds like he needs time to grieve her alone for a while maybe yous could try again in a couple months to a year?
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It can be hard to feel like you are competing with a ghost. It takes time for the partner left behind to get over the loss. That said, it could be that he has rushed back into a relationship where he is comfortable, rather than because he was truly ready to move on. Give it some time and don’t push him to get over his grief before he’s ready.
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It’s hard I been in this situation and I’m still with him. Sometimes it bothers me for the most part I am ok with it. I know his wife was the one and I have days were I feel like why am I here and will he ever love me the way he did her. The answer is love is different for each person you are with. It doesn’t mean they love you any less. I do know if its recent you need to let him heal. You can try to be supportive but remember you are not responsible for his healing. He will always keep her close to him. You either learn to cope with it or you move on. In my case I knew his wife and was friends with her so that helps. I had her blessing before she passed. The battle isn’t easy he still has some of her clothes but I don’t force him to get rid of anything that he’s not ready to do. Heck her bra were in the bathroom hanging for 4 years lol. We were both broken when we got together and neither one of us was ready it just happened but 6 years later we are good and own a house together. I do help keep her memories alive which it means a lot to him. It does get better with time. My partner and I have talked about it. He’s understanding he doesn’t want me to feel like that and said nobody can fill her shoes and I don’t want to either. I am me and always will be me.
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He should have healed before yall got back together…
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He jumped too quick in a relationship with you. He should’ve waited till he knew he was ready. Also you can’t take away a dead person from someone.
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Well when someone passes away you should know to let them grieve before getting into a relationship with them because they need time to get over the person they were with and yes it is selfish if you to not allow them that time .
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Try to understand, if it was you who had lost your partner, be patient and understanding. Be there for him. As long as you give him time, things should improve.
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Let him have his memories. There is Noooo time frame to mend a broken heart from a loved one. Dont be jealous, just make sure your not the rebound for now …I would recommend some therapy for yourself
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I’d be moving on…
You’re always going to be her shadow…
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The thing is, they’d be together now if she was alive. Harsh, yeah, but true. It takes a very emotionally mature person to be with a widow/widower. If that’s not you, leave.
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Grief is a process that is never really completed. If you went into the relationship knowing that he’s working thru the process, then you need to accept what comes with it. You can tell him how you feel, and what you need…but you can’t force the process. If you’re not capable of sticking it out, let him go.
Grief is ugly and heavy and constant. It has nothing to do with you. He is going to live with these new feelings. Just love and support. Stay strong!
If this doesn’t feel like a good fit for YOU, than you can decide that for yourself.
Give him time to grieve—however long it takes. Of course you will feel hurt/ jealous whatever, that is just human nature. Just don’t nag him about how he feels—be patient and loving and he will come around but probably will always have feelings for her—which is normal but does not mean that he doesn’t love you too. It will just be in a different way as you two will have different lives. Good Luck and God Bless! God made us resilient.
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How long had it been since she passed? Maybe ull rushed into a relationship and he’s not ready. When we lose a spouse some people never ever get over there grieving. Maybe ull should stop the relationship and focus on helping him grieve the loss of his wife
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Just imagine if you were to pass, you would want him to grieve you and honor your memory wouldn’t you.? I grieved my late husband for many many years. I still think about him everyday. But I know he’s in my past. I’m sure your guy knows his late wife is in his past and he’s trying to navigate difficult waters grieving her and loving you. Just try not to be jealous and give him time… Big Hugs!
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Grief has no time limits. Counseling with or without you would be a great tool.
The grieving part of it will get better with time but she will always be a part of your relationship. He isnt ever going to shut her out or stop thinking/talking/feeling for her. I, personally, think its going to be more difficult for you to handle than someone else because you were with him before she was so some part of you probably feels like she was temporary since you are back together now. Quite possibly you feel a little betrayed that they were even together to begin with? Very blurry lines in this situation.
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If they were married when she passed she is not his ex, she is his late wife. Your partner has nothing but good memories from a long term relationship, that is actually positive baggage. There is no mistrust or broken promises. He knows what is is like to live his vows ‘till death do us part’, and to be loved unconditionally. THAT MEANS he will want that again, and he chose you to be the one he can put his love and soul into.
He will never not love her, but he chose you to love, he trusts you with his heart and his love.
I really rthink family counselling would be a good idea, communication is the most important thing in any relationship and this is something you need to talk about. Otherwise it will eat away at you and your relationship with him.
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You need to give him his time to grieve.
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Grow up first and realize they were married she died let the man alone
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You need to deal with it because asking him to change can’t happen when he’s grieving. Despite the fact his wife is passed on you’re the other woman.
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Yall should have waited until he was healed… its hard to be with a widow… cause you know for a fact that the only reason they are not together is because if death… death takes time to grieve…some longer than others… I know for a fact if my husband died tomorrow ( knock on wood) I probably wouldn’t ever love someone the same again…
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He will grieve her for the rest of his life. That’s how grief works. You cannot expect any less. What you need to do is figure out why you feel less than. You need to work on boosting your own self esteem so that you are no longer comparing yourself to others. Maybe you rushed back into this relationship too soon. Allow him to talk about her and share memories. Let him know it’s okay that he loves her and you. Otherwise you’re going to make him feel like he has to hide his feelings and not properly grieve. I know that if I lost my husband, I would never love another person in the same way. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you too. You just need to accept this or move on. Be supportive or find someone that will love you the way you expect.
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So what im gathering from you’re post,he got married after you originally broke up,than his wife passed away and you rekindled the relationship? It appears it has less to do with his grieving and more with you’re feeling towards the wife way before her passing that you are now reliving in you’re head daily and essentially making it a competition!!! The issue lays with you as you refer to her as ex in the living sense, instead of his late wife… work on you!
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I’m in your boyfriends shoes. My late fiance passed. I’m sure you know but try to remember it’s not easy for him, he’s probably still trying to figure out how to cope. For me it happened very unexpectedly and I was angry and bitter for a long time bc I felt he’d been ripped from me and it felt so unfair, so intensely that it blinded me. I didn’t know where to turn. This may seem harsh and I don’t mean for it to but he didn’t let her go, she was taken, she’s his late wife. Not his ex. He buried a part of his heart but you have the rest I’m sure, he loves you, just be patient.
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Death is something no one ever really gets over… the comparison between u and her will always be there sadly… eventually he will learn to accept her not being here and move forward. Until then just love him anyways… he needs u now more than ever. Death is something that changes every aspect of u as a person. Hardest thing to do is watch someone u love suffer.
There’s not a lot of details here but from what was given, I would suggest giving him space. Take care of yourself but also be a friend to him. Don’t push or force anything, don’t make him feel guilty. Don’t have expectations. If you love him and he is worth it to you, stick around but stop having expectations he cannot meet right now. Instead, appreciate it for what it is and you’ll be much happier.
I could tell you if I died and my husband found another woman to be with, I’d hope that he still thought of me and grieved for me! Love doesn’t die just because someone has died. Imagine losing a parent or parents as I have, I will forever grieve for them, that never goes away, either you can support him as a wife should or move on!
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Were you having an affair when he was married? Perhaps you’re feeling guilt and have that feeling shes staring you down. I once, about 25 years ago dated a nice guy who had lost his girlfriend in a shooting. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched and judged. He also carried her picture in his wallet, which I understood, but I just couldn’t handle the feeling.
Death is typically something you don’t ever get over. And you definitely should allow him to grieve and of course he still loves her. It’s a hard one but I would honestly get in touch with a widows group maybe an ask them some advice how not to feel like the third wheel.
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Leave him, I’m good terms. raise your child as co-parents give him time to breathe and grieve and then see if y’all can get back together as a couple when he straightens out his feelings.
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Ok, huny how long had she been gone b4 y’all got together?? How long were they married?? People can’t sit & tell u how YOU made such a bad decision when they don’t have all of the information!!! My Mama passed away 10 years b4 my daddy. They were married 44 years at the time. My Daddy never dated another woman!! But his cousin went thru the exact same thing, exactly a year later, married the same amount of time, & he got remarried 4 months later, {which I wud of absolutely killed my Daddy for, lol}!! It depends on not only the person, but a million other things!! Sweety if that’s bothering u that much, the best advice I can give u is talk to him!! Sat sumthn like…I know u will always love her & she was a great person, but are u sure this is what u really want?? u deserve to at least know that much!!! Good luck!! God bless
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Sounds like he needs more time to grieve and yall moved too fast.
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I think you should encourage him to celebrate her and it sounds like there’s some insecurities also grieving is different for everyone.
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I am speaking from the aspect of a widow, so bear with me.
He will ALWAYS love his wife.
This is a DEATH.
Not an ESTRANGEMENT.
Think of all the people you have loved who have died.
Did you stop loving them after they died? Stop thinking about them, missing them, wanting them there?
Probably not.
Now think about anyone estranged from you, including exes.
Do you still love them? Miss them? Maybe, but that is tainted with anger and resentment in a way that death is not.
Do you want them around still? Not likely, not unless they have grown up a lot.
The same holds true with Widowhood.
It is a death.
The loss of the relationship did not stem from emotional pains and bitterness, though it may have caused some.
Here is the thing most do not realize though.
We can love you both and love you equally.
If your best friend dies and you make another best friend, does that mean you love that new bestie less?
No.
Do they take the place of the old one?
No.
If your brother or sister dies and you have another one come into the picture, do you love that new sibling even less?
No.
Do you love the one that died any less?
No.
Your mom or dad dies and the surviving parent remarries someone you become close to, do you forget your mom or dad, stop loving them, the one that died?
No.
Can you accept your stepparent as another mom or dad who loves you and will be there for you just like the parent you lost was?
Of course.
See?
The same holds true with widowed individuals.
We will always love the one that died.
We will always miss them.
But it is no more of competition for us than any other DEATH.
Barring our spouse coming back from the dead, we CANNOT run back to them.
You never have to worry about us returning to our late s/o the way you may have to worry about a new s/o running back to their ex.
It is literally impossible.
We constantly go over the arguments we had with out spouse and ask ourselves if that issue was truly worth it and if so, how much and do so without the angry justifications that come when someone is your ex and are less likely to repeat them.
We also know what it is like to lose the own We love the most in the most permanent way imaginable.
So we will love you harder, cherish you harder and make every single moment that we can more valued than we did before.
Because we KNOW from personal experience that the last moment we spent with you truly CAN BE THE VERY LAST MOMENT that we will EVER have with you.
Are we PERFECT?
No.
Will you be able to REPLACE the person we lost?
No.
Just like there will be times even with a new bestie, a new sibling, a new stepparent that you are close to, etc that those people cannot fill and you will still miss the one you lost, we will still have those moments when it comes to our lost spouses.
But that does not mean we love or appreciate you less.
It just means you are a different person and it is a different relationship.
And that is okay.
A five pound weight is a five pound weight, regardless if you are just starting out or an old veteran at working out.
What changes is not the weight.
What chances is how strong you are.
Same with grief.
It never lessens.
We just get stronger and more able to handle it better.
Hope this helps.
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You need to give him space and let him grieve. You seem to have gotten back together too quickly and he isn’t quite healed enough to give you what you are wanting. Try to get him into grief counseling and both of you into marriage counseling.
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Stop competing. Be you. He will always feel something toward his deceased wife. That’s a given. But you can’t replace her so don’t try. Be your own person. Contribute to his life in your own way. Then you won’t be in her shadow. Concentrate on the here and now. Be sensitive to his feelings, but live in the present. Be alert to signs that he’s not going to move along with his life. He may feel connected to you because of the children, but he may need more time to grieve his former wife. He might not get through it for awhile yet. Decide if you can wait for him to come to grips with her being gone or if you need to wait from a distance. He might not have the same energy to give. It’s sad, but it happens.
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Your mistake is settling to be his second choice… Twice. Find a guy who respects you first time around.
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Let him grieve, let go of your jealousy… You can’t compete with someone who is dead.
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Why would you get back with after his wife passed away? Would you be him if she was alive???
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She’s not an ex sweetheart. It’s different when you lose someone you weren’t ready to part with forever. Perhaps he never should have jumped into another relationship without being better healed but I have no idea how long it’s been for him. I like the idea of helping him celebrate her life and supporting him and his love. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to make you feel the way he does as he just moved on too fast, he wasn’t ready. Don’t compete. Be you, it’s why he’s with you. Be there for him in the now and embrace it. It will help him in his grieving journey.
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Why are we getting back with ex’s??
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Why did you and this man separate in the first place? Did you have issues with the dead wife while she was alive? How long has she been dead? So many questions.
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I think In supporting him and being there for him he’ll find a new kind of love in you. If that makes sense.
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It’s tome to leave. Maybe forever, maybe until he heals. But this feeling isn’t fair to anyone and will lead to resentment. It doesn’t mean you can’t get back together but right now you 2 shouldn’t be together. I’m sorry. I know you want a fix. Best bet, seperate & go to therapy. Maybe together at times.
He needs to grieve and you need to work thru why you feel the e at you do. I wouldn’t advise staying together, especially living together, while workimg thru this.
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Be a friend more right now. A friend of mine said she felt the same when she got with a guy whose wife passed right after adopting a baby. Her feelings were only her’s. Counseling helped him communicate to her that she was the only one who felt like it was a competition. The issue was hers but they both worked through those feelings. Best of luck.
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Very difficult situation…but usually when a spouse has passed and they were really in love…yes the love stays…but if it were you wouldn’t you want it that way! AND they usually stay faithful to the present spouse too!!! Be patient
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I know it’s hard but people grieve at different paces and in different ways. There is no definite answer. Be there for him and be his rock, like she was for him. You aren’t taking her place or competing, so try not to make it like that. He wants to be with you now. Live in the now and help him move on from the past and the pain. It takes time, sometimes more than we are comfortable with. Be you. She isn’t here, you are. Let go, it’ll be easier for him to do so as well if you aren’t holding on to the jealousy.
Also, she isn’t an ex. She died his wife. You need to accept that if you want the relationship to thrive. Death hits differently. Be sensitive but don’t make yourself miserable.
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Therapy for you and therapy for him. Separately.
That’s his late wife not his ex wife, they didn’t choose to be separated someone died.
This is why they say don’t get into a relationship while grieving a partner.
You don’t love any 2 people in the same way, his love for you will not be the same as his love for her.
He will always love her and that can’t and shouldn’t change. You can’t compete with a dead person.
If you can’t accept any of this you don’t belong with a widower.
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Hoq long has it been since she passed?
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How long has she been gone? If it’s still early, be patient, grieving is difficult and takes time. Be yourself understand he will always love her, but he loves you too. Be supportive and allow him to talk to you about her. Don’t get upset or offended by it. If he’s able to talk about it and release how he feels it will allow healing.
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Couples therapy would be a great start
Desperate people do Desperate things…you had obviously not moved on or grown up…
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He will always love his wife. They didn’t separate. She died. His love for her never changed because it didn’t need to.
You need to be supportive. And you need to understand he will ALWAYS love her. He will never love you the way he loves her. Ever. No matter what. There’s nothing you can do or say that will change that and it would be very wrong of you to try.
I’m going to suggest you getting therapy. You need to learn how to support him through this.
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Um got back with the ex after the wife died. Hopefully you are not in a bouce situation. Tread water likely.
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Sweetie, his wife just passed- maybe what you are feeling is being the rebound girlfriend. If he hasn’t stopped grieving- there’s a good chance when he does things might change - for him. He loved her - you are never going to take her place - nobody will. The relationship between those two - is just that- those two. 
Grief is overwhelming. Suggest grief counselling. He will never “get over” it, but in time, he can learn to accept what has happened and move on with his life. Just be there for him.
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My father died 5 years ago and I just realized that I am finally ok. I will never be like I was before but now at least I can be happy again. I don’t know how long it’s been since she died but maybe he isn’t ready for a relationship yet.
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His wife passed away. You should probably step away and see what happens in the future instead.
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