Can you post this for me? Sorry, this is kinda long…I need advice dealing with a friend. We’re basically sisters, best friends for 23 years. She just moved in with her boyfriend of 2ish years, and they have a 3-month-old together, plus each has one from a previous relationship that is part-time in their house. My problem is I’m feeling like I’m losing my friend even tho they just moved close by (7 min instead of an hour), and I see her m-f when she drops 1 or 2 kids off here, and I take them to daycare for her. We haven’t done anything in a long time; I’ve tried having her go with me on quick trips, come over for dinner, anything. She always says something to do with her bf or she can’t because she has too much to do with kids, and he doesn’t help. I’m really worried he’s being controlling, and she’s stuck. They were super tight on money and had no food, but PBJ and I loaded up a bag to take over to them; she called me begging not to because he would get mad about it, and it’d make things hard for her with him. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do here? I feel selfish for wanting more time with my friend, but I’m also worried about her…
Have you met her boyfriend?? He sounds like he might be abusive. Abusers try to separate the person they are in a relationship with from anyone they are close to. That way they can insert more control and dependency on them. I really hope that’s not the case but that’s what I got from the last part. Can you ever catch her alone to talk to her about your concerns??
Uhmm he is definitely being abusive. The fact that you can’t even bring food over to their house proves it.
Okay so I had a friend who basically was kept captive in her basement by her boyfriend (he’s in jail now) but basically he kept her phone from her and would give it back like every once in a while. She would eventually crack and tell me what was going on after not talking to me for months and he was severely abusive. She ended up fleeing after 4 years. The shit she told me about
Him was insane after she left him and I had no idea. She wouldn’t tell a soul and we’ve been best friends for 10 years…
get some information from local women’s shelter to give to her and let her know you will help her in whatever way she needs but she needs to leave before it gets dangerous
Sounds like she’s being abused by him. Maybe call for a well check for her and her kids. Like if he gets pissed about you bringing food over and it would make things harder in her, exactly what is she going through with him? Ya know? I know it sucks to call for a well check, but you can be anonymous when you do it. At the end of the day her safety and the kids safety is a priority. I’m sorry this is happening. I’ve been in similar situations where I’ve allowed myself to be cut off from those I love and from experience it only gets worse from here.
Your being a good friend. The thing is you can tell her blatantly she’s being abused & or controlled. The only person who can walk away is her & I noticed sadly alot of women don’t get out for a number of reasons. Im so sorry thats happening. I have had friends this happened to & told them to get out & they refused til it became almost deadly.
As a domestic violence survivor… right now all you can do is BE THERE FOR HER. Anytime she needs you, make sure she knows you’ll be there.
You’re not loosing your friend. I promise you.
SPEAK UPPPP don’t stop no matter how hard she pushes you away. Make it known you aren’t going anywhere!!!
Be there for her. Plz…
You just need to ask her point blank.
Constantly remind her you’re thinking of her and are there when she needs you. This is so, so important. You’re a good friend already by worrying. Don’t let her forget that
I’ve been that girl. Theres definitely something wrong. Straight up ask her if you can ever get her alone. Even away from kids. I wish someone would have done that for me.
Don’t give up on your friend she needs more than you know. Just keep being a constant in her life and for the kids as well.
As someone who escaped an abusive marriage, I would’ve given anything to have a caring friend like you to help me. Good for you. I would recommend a well check but given the circumstances and her fear of making him angry, next time you see her, see if you can create a safe word and assure her that you are there and want to help. Call the National domestic violence hotline and/or the police department. I promise you they will help her and the children. We need more people like you.
Hes being abusive I have been there please talk to her about it and offer her a way out
As much as you love her, back off. You already sense there is something off. You need to back off and let her come to you. She’s already going through a lot of pressure as her family dynamics have changed. Her husband might feel like a failure if they have no food and you taking it over there very well might upset him. It’s their relationship and you need to put up new boundaries. Be there for her and just listen. I was in a similar situation and my sister was ready to fight for me and she was the one I kept the most from. I needed to sort out what was happening first, then I needed to accept it. Then I needed to try to help myself and make some changes on my own time even if they were baby steps to process things. Some women leap and that is admirable and courageous. For some of us the same burden can be a lot heavier so we put one foot in front of the other. That is also admirable and courageous too. Let her put one foot in front of the other and when she knows you will listen and not react nor shove advice down her throat, she’ll come to you too. She might not feel safe telling you just yet. Just know that you are the type of friend all of us need and believe it or not, you are that tiny voice she is trying to listen to.
Yeah when she freaked that you can’t bring food she was genuinely scared of his reaction. But unless she’s willing to leave theres nothing you can actually do. You can talk to her but be prepared that so often women stay.
A safe word. Perhaps a preloaded card with some $ for her too
Offer to keep a overnight bag for her, offer to keep copies of important documents, offer to save her money for her, offer to be there no matter what, make a safe word. But what ever you do don’t call a well check on her. If she is afraid of something as little as food she will lie and it will only get worse for her, he will make the reigns tighter and you will lose access to her. Be there for her but don’t pressure her, she will either leap as someone stated about or she will crawl out of there but she has to do it her way and the way that is safe for her. Also don’t act harsh to him, treat him like he is just the nicest person, if you don’t he will smell you are an ally and do everything and anything to eliminate you.
Give her info on a women’s center. This one helped me a lot: https://thewomenscenter.org/
Safe word & find a friend who could provide a safe house for her and the kids—someplace out of the area where BF wouldn’t think to look or be likely to run into her—and let her know where the house key is hidden should she need it. Your place is too obvious, but you could hide them until someone can pick them up. Presumably he can identify your car.
If the kids are in day care, can you call/approach her at work? Encourage her to talk to a counselor if she has an EAP, even if it’s only three phone calls. Can you take food to her at work so she can save what she would eat for the kids? The gift card is a great idea; she could pick up a few extras at the grocery store a little at a time so he wouldn’t notice unless he scans the receipts. Maybe just give her a bit of cash every week. Does she have her own car she could use to get away while he’s at work or does he work from home?
Have you talked to other friends and people in her family to get a better idea of what’s going on? Can you just drop in saying you were in the neighborhood and wanted to say hi, maybe with a bottle of wine? If he won’t let you in the house, that’s a red flag.
I’m so sorry. It’s heartbreaking and frustrating to see a friend be abused. Build up her courage and self esteem as much as you can, let her know you (and as many others from friends and family) will be there for her if she’s ever ready to leave.
I hope she’s just busy and stressed because of kids and funds and he’s too proud to accept charity, but I doubt it.
Ive been her… and shes not going to leave untill shes ready. And sadly enough if you try to save her, you will become the bad guy…
Just make sure your always there when she needs you… and one day she will need you
I’ve been her I’m here when your need me:heart:
And MY, there when I need her lol
Leave him let her know you are there for her
Sad how a lot of people are jumping to abuse. Maybe he is just to proud and would be upset if he thought she was asking for handouts. I know a lot of men are like that. And it could just be they’re in a honeymoon stage since they just moved in together. Unless you see signs of abuse don’t assume it. Because just that right there doesn’t say abuse
Dont give up on her. Try to get her alone to ask her what’s going on.
Reach out to her when you can
U need to step away and when she wants to pawn her kids on u and use u tell her u are voluntering and cant… wake up.she moved on u did not. Sorry.
Ur beautiful kind heart is not appriciated…
She has a new baby. Maybe she needs time to settle in to a new family dynamic. Instead of taking a bag of groceries, make a dinner for her to pop into the oven. New moms need an extra hand once in awhile. I am sure she is tired from those newborn nights with less sleep.
Have u tried talking to her about it and telling her your concerns? That would be the first step…
I was her… she won’t leave until she’s ready and when she does be there for her always be there even if things gets bad don’t hold it against her!! She’s in a bad spot been there before!
I think it might be time to take a step back. I had to do that with a dear friend Of mine cause her relationship was tearing me up knowing it was toxic at the time. We are no longer friends but it was obviously meant to be
Sometimes when some woman get a man in their life they let their female friends go to the wayside
Can you go over there and spend time at her house? Offer to spend time with her kids while she does dishes? Then she’ll have time to sit with you afterwards and talk.
It’s really hard to be a friend and a new mom at the same time… friendships ebb and flow… I guarantee she’s exhausted.
He wouldn’t let her let you bring food over? I’d say there’s deff something up ;(
Try asking her to come hangout with her and her kids. That way you can hangout but you aren’t taking her out of her element or away from her kids. Babies can be hard and often make people think you are pushing them away. When in reality she is probably still trying to get on a new schedule having a new baby
You cannot do anything other than letting her know you are there for her if she needs help.