Does anyone have an issue with their mother? Issues like-if you don’t call your mom once a week, or more-she says you don’t love her? Or when she asks the littles which grandma is their favorite and gets visibly upset when they choose the other grandma? Or she kind of bribes you to get you to do things? I was raised with siblings but was always the odd one out. And my mother and I never had a great relationship. Now I’m an adult with kids of my own, and I so badly want to just cut ties, at least temporarily-but I can’t do that given the battle that will ensue after I do. My parents always help us when needed. They take our kids to do loads of fun things. They spend lots of money for us to be able to do things too. I’m always appreciative, but somehow it always ends up thrown back at me for some reason or another. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not good enough for my own mother. I’m sick of her making my children feel bad. I’m sick of not being able to cut ties. She’s toxic. I know this. But how on earth do I go about fixing this? I know I can’t fix her. And I’ve tried my best to contact her more frequently, but it’s not working. All my friends are super close with their moms, and I never had that growing up. How do I tell my mom she’s out of line without hurting her? I’m 30 years old, and I don’t know how to communicate effectively with her because we always end up in a fight.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like I am not good enough for my own mother: Advice?
#1 rule I go by …is NEVER use a title for someone’s excuses…
Meaning…Just bc its my mom…dad… Aunt… cousin ect…If your toxic you gotta go…I do NOT. Talk to my mom at all…bc she is too toxic for my life…she has never cared…and I will NOT. Let anyone make me feel.less then…once i feel.like someone is making me question myself…or making me some type of way…I remove myself from that situation immediately…I use to give chance’s after chance’s…and yeah …I grew up and opened my eye…and disciplined myself…and Now im super sensitive to toxic and negativity…were I really will cut that shit off so quick…
Write it out and give it to her. Let her know that nothing in the letter is to be disrespectful but to explain to her how you’ve been feeling since you were younger.
Not I will say mom, dad, sis, bri, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, or etc … if they are toxic they are just toxic! You have to create peace for you as well as your children. Her taking them places and doing fun things is not gonna overshadow how she’s making them feel…especially since it sounds how you did when you were younger and even now. Give her the letter and if she doesn’t take it with understanding…cut ties until you all can get to a place to communicate better. Hope it all works out
You can’t fix it. I’m 68 years old and tried for many years - but at some point you have to accept that the relationship you wish you had cannot exist. My mother passed away over 20 years ago - but I feel no guilt at all.
Yes I know exactly how you feel. My mom has been very controlling my whole life and I am 44 and she still likes to control me. But I set boundaries of my own. I come visit her 1 week every few months. ( she lives in a different state then me) and I try to call a couple times a week. You just need to tell her . Mom I am trying to be an independent adult. Yes you have helped me my whole life . And do wonderful for my children but I am gonna go off and do this . I will call you once a week. To let you know how we are all doing. ( here is where you tell her) thank you for being my mother. You’ve raised me well. Thank you and I love you. Since I did that years ago to my mother. She is so much better with me and we actually have a great relationship now. And when you aren’t letting her do things for you so you can have fun.
Stop taking her money and gifts. That’s the first step.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like I am not good enough for my own mother: Advice?
Sounds like she has narcissistic traits, I’m sorry you and your kids have to be put through that
Sit down and talk to her. Tell her how you really feel. And tell her you appreciate everything she does for you and your kids. But, you never ask her for anything, and she doesnt have to throw it in your face every time she does. If your talk doesnt help, then keep your distance from her for a little while, and maybe that will help her see things differently.
Wow, there’s a lot here to sort through. I hope you will consider counseling to decide how to move forward in a productive healthy manner for you and your kids. Good luck to you.
Just keep loving her. You are doing such great job. Don’t be hard on yourself or her…she is dealing with her demons the best way she knows. She knows she is making mistakes But she obviously loves you and your children. I pray you work through this. I adore my grandmother and the thought of not having her is beyond sad
My mom is also very toxic. She openly favors my sisters & their children. She is hypocritical & two-faced. She stabbed me in the back multiple times. Is physically, mentally, & emotionally abusive. Narcissistic, attention seeking, & manipulative. She is a recovering drug addict, but still an alcoholic. She sees nothing wrong with her actions. I tried for many years to have a good relationship with her. It took her ruining my son’s weekend with my stepdad & her for me to wake up & see the damage she was causing my children. After my 14 year old son told me all that’d happened over their weekend, why he’d asked to come home early, & that he no longer wanted her in his life I made the decision to cut ties completely. I was 37. It was hard. I’d tried to set boundaries multiple times, & she refused to respect them so I moved, changed my number, & just stopped all contact. That was 3.5 years ago. Some days are still hard because I do truly love my mom, but her behavior toward me was not love. I deserve to be loved. My children deserved to be loved. We are happier now without her toxicity in our lives.
She’s making you feel bad because of her own issues, not yours. It’s hard not to take it personally because it’s your mother, but these are her battles.
I would be firm with her when she makes you feel guilty. Tell her that the phone works both ways and your main focus, now that you are a mother, will always be your children. She has to accept that she is 2nd in your life to them and she should understand that. If you keep finding yourself apologizing or defending yourself, then she will continue the behavior.
Good luck, Momma
Cut her out then. Why continue to put yourself or your kids thru that?
Ive told my mother and she doesn’t care. I allow my children to interact with her as they are old enough to decide. The last 8 years have been the best of my life because they are no longer, “All about Barbara.”
I would set Boundaries. Limit questions she asked your children. And limit the gifts. Sorry but some things I would take out scenarios. Good Luck🙏
Ask yourself how you would feel if your children decided to one day cut ties with you.Talk to your Mother and reassure her that you love her and appreciate all that she does for you,but do set boundaries.It seems you both have trouble connecting without conditions.
First of all it is wrong to even ask children who is their favorite grandma
Your mom is clearly extremely insecure and is blaming you for those insecurities. You’re right, you can’t change her, but you can set boundaries. Set a call scheduled and stick to it… Tell her if she continues to make your kids feel bad then she won’t see them at all… You’re an adult now do start acting like one since your mom can’t.
Get counseling and cur her off
She definitely sounds like a narcissist and you are the scapegoat. Low or no contact will give you peace. Acccept NO money or gifts. That’s being used to control you. Bc you then you owe her. Stop accepting money and gifts and you will see how much power over you she loses. It will balance out power in the relationship. You will owe her nothing and she will have only herself to give at which time you can choose how and if you accept and she will know it.
Cut her out!!! It won’t be easy at first but it gets easier. It’s been 10 years since I’ve spoken to my mother and now most day’s she never even crosses my mind.
My mom lived with me for about 12 years at the same time my two grandsons came to live with me also my mom would forget who’s house it was and try to rule it you have to put your foot down and let her know they are your kids and you will do what’s best for them she needs to discuss with you before she buys them things if she doesn’t give it back she has to realize you are an adult and the decisions are yours to make when it comes to your family and as hard as it is for you you have to stick to your guns you have to stand your ground and make sure she respects you as an adult or else she is going to have to stay away until she can your not teaching your kids anything if they see her not respecting you I had to threaten to put my mother out to make her understand that I meant what I said you just have to be stronger then her she has to understand you can be firm and still have a good relationship you just can’t let her walk all over you she needs to respect you
Don’t take anything from her don’t let her buy you things or the kids things. It sounds like you are allowing them to fund you financially but you are not giving anything back. If you really feel that way about your own mother like you said all your friends get along with their mother but you. Maybe you are holding some resentment from a past incident. She is expecting you to act like a daughter and you are pulling away.
Cut it all out, the money they spend on you the time they spend with your children. Then you will see if that makes your life better or you may be more grateful for all they have done
I cut my mom out 7 years ago! I had an hour and a half conversation with my uncle and he totally understood, said that some of her behaviors that she was showing towards me were behaviors that she had growing up at home. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I’ve never been happier. I went as far as blocking her phone number.
OMG this is me right now. I have started counselling this year & I only just talked about this yesterday.
It’s a tricky situation but she is her own person & you can’t change a person who doesn’t see a problem with her actions. And don’t tell her how to or not to speak to your children; as this just agitates the situation. It’s unfortunate but your children will end up not wanting to see her because of how she is behaving.
You need to be able to find acceptance of her how she is. Yes she is insecure & doesn’t come across nicely but there might be underlying issues for her. I realised the reason my mother is the way she is is because she didn’t have a stable & loving upbringing, which in turn has made her feel she needs to be how she is to keep control. I know it’s hard but your mental health is very important. As others have said set boundaries. Also check out The Holistic Psychologist; she is amazing & has helped me to more understand my own feelings.
Good luck. Have patience & remember we all just want to be loved & wanted but we just have different ways of showing it.
Ahhh the old emotional blackmail that some Mothers are masters at.
My birth giver always introduced me to people as her “first mistake”, constantly made jokes about my fluctuating weight, told me repeatedly that I wasn’t doing parenthood right…ah you get the idea.
Took me until I was in my 30’s to sever all ties with her and I’ve never looked back.
She was never close to my kids and they’re adults now with families of their own and they lost nothing by not having her in their lives…but my mother lost so much and it was all her own doing.
Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we wouldn’t tolerate toxic behavior from friends or strangers, and we’re allowed to cut ties with family members who are like this. We don’t have to justify anything to these people.
My advice? Go with your gut instincts. If it’s not a healthy relationship, ditch it and watch yourself flourish!
No good deed should ever be thrown back at you…it completely undoes the good deed!
Good luck and do what’s right for YOU
I try to think of my mum like for instance my MIL - would I tell me MIL she’s toxic? NO! The saying goes we treat the ones who love us the most the worst, and I try to be really mindful of that. You yourself have said that your mother does a lot, I think you sound like you’re carrying some guilt for not being grateful enough, and I think perhaps if you focus on the positives a little more everyone would be all the happier. Nobody is perfect, sure set your boundaries and don’t let people walk on those, but upholding boundaries and severing ties don’t need to go hand in hand.
Yours and your children’s mental health is more precious and important than anything else. That you can’t buy, she is clearly a narcissist so you need to detach yourself and keep your children safe.
You sound like you have suppressed emotions from your childhood, and since you’re irritated with your unresolved issues, anything she does is bugging you. You didn’t really list anything that spoke like she is really just crazy. If her behavior irks you that much, you definitely are holding resentment from something. Seek counseling maybe. Get to the root of the issues. You didn’t seem to list anything that suggests the kids should be stripped away from those relationships.
Why would you want to break ties with you mom ??? Some people are just indescribable!!! , quote “my parents always help us when needed” , “calling your mom once a week “ is pathetic ??? , theres people out there that visit their moms grave every day to talk to them and you can’t even pick up your phone ??? , hmmmm
I would sure love to hear your mother side of the story.
I don’t have kids, but I am experiencing a very very similar situation with my mother. Hopefully it works out. I have had to distance myself from my parents & family. It is what is healthy for me & may be best for you & your family too.
You can’t change your Mother but how you react to her ways you can change. You may never make her happy. Just be a good daughter and you won’t have regrets.
First and foremost… you need to stop taking handouts and giving her “ammunition”. Set some boundaries with you and your mom, and your children and their Grandma. Then slowly begin communicating with your mom privately, as in away from your kids, how you’re feeling. Perhaps write everything down so you stay on topic. Do not attack her. Control your reactions, and understand she may have a poor reaction to how you’re feeling especially if she feels caught off guard. There are two sides to every story and I am sure she has her own (So listen to her too). Maybe suggest counseling for you both together, a proper mediator can be awesome. Cutting off someone who loves you and your children is extreme, especially when they are obviously kind and caring. However, again, you should not accept handouts from someone who is going to be manipulative later with it… whether she intends to or not. The only way to fix it is with mature and kind communication with each other.
Family is who you choose and who chooses you back… I hate to be the bad one on this post but ., toxic is toxic related or not.im bot saying it the cord but maybe just ease away a little
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like I am not good enough for my own mother: Advice?
Look up narcissist parent. Cause this sounds very similar.
It’s called Narcissism
So you can’t cut ties because she spends a lot of money on you and your family?! Sounds like y’all are both toxic not just your mom. If it was as unbearable as you try to make it seem her money wouldn’t matter you cut her off but here you are still accepting money finding it “impossible” to cut ties hypocrite
I know where you stand as I was in the same situation. Walked away from my parents the first time. They lost any time with my kids. I decided I would try again to have a healthy relationship with them for my children’s sake. Well I thought it was going ok until my mother told me she was afraid of me yet she couldn’t tell me why. I have since cut off the relationship again and I’m not looking back. More like I can’t look back as I keep beating myself up for the why. I’d lay in bed replaying everything and I cannot see where I frightened her. Out of their 3 kids, they only have a good relationship with one…their only boy. My adult children have the choice from day one if they wanted a relationship with them but when they are treated differently than their cousins (who are roughly the same age) they wanted nothing to do with them.
quit taking the gifts
You only have one mother. Try loving her. Like you said you need things she is giving you. I can’t imagine hurting your mother like that. Everyone argues but you take it to another level
Yeahhhh my mom was like this minus the spending money part. She wanted it all for nothing. Narcissism.
What she’s doing is called manipulation. Guilt tripping you, shaming you, is her trying to manipulate you into going along with everything she pleases. It’s okay for you to set and enforce boundaries. My mother is the same way so I get how it feels. And when you first begin to set and enforce your boundaries after years of not doing so, they’ll try to make you feel guilty and selfish for doing so, but it isn’t selfish.
your mom needs to seek counseling and therapy
Sounds like my mother. I tried to cut ties and she took me to court for her grand kids
First of all stop putting your hand out and taking things that get thrown in your face later. Back away enough to give you a little space and if she notices that will be your opportunity to tell her why and then leave it up to her to meet you halfway. Don’t say or do anything you’ll regret later but stand up for yourself and kids. If you keep taking from her expect her to not consider you independent which contributes to her treatment. Grow up and that starts with doing for yourself and your kids and stop putting your hand out to mommy…
The books “But it’s your family” by Sherri Campbell and “Emotional Blackmail” by Susan forward might help you.
Look into fb group daughters of abusive mothers. Lots of stories just like that there and you might learn a little about how to deal with her or go low contact or no contact. Grey rock. She spends that money on you to control you. It’s a tactic. That way they can throw it in your face. Shes gaslighing and manipulating you. Try that group and hopefully you can see things a little clearer.
Both my parents died when I was 27. Parents are people they aren’t perfect. I am sorry but it bugs me when I see people who could fix their relationship with their parents but choose not to. Seek family therapy and make it work because in the end they will be all you have. And stop taking advantage of your mother she isn’t an ATM or a babysitter.
Sounds like something similar to my situation, but slightly different. No help here but you’re not alone.
She’s a narcissist. Ive been through something similar. Just cut ties with her, from what you wrote you know she is toxic and your kids dont need to be around that type of person. Im extremely grateful i cut ties with my mother it was the best decision for my daughter and i. I tried to fix our relationship for years and it always ended badly. So i have no guilt or regrets about cutting ties.
Love… Can be cruel …sometime I like to think of the tiny little good bond my mom & I shared…somehow it bring on another wonderful moment and all the unpleasant moments just melts away. Stay Safe.
I am lucky to have a great mom. There are a lot of moms with issues. That is a reflection of her not you. Do the best you can and discount what she says and does. You can’t change her. Take joy n your children. Good luck to you!
I feel for you. My mom and I never saw eye to eye. We loved each other, but I was constantly in need of her advice, from her point of view and rarely did things the way she wished I would. I learned to listen to her, nod my head and say uh huh etc then go home and do what I thought was best. We got along much better after she had a “brain bleed” and had aphasia. However, I was also the one who got her to finally cooperate with the therapists and who told her when she was ready, she could go be with Daddy. So, the best advice I can offer is to listen, nod your head and say that you understand. Then go back home and do what you think you ought to that is the best for your family. That was my best way out of a fight with my mom… also, never expect her to apologize. She did the best she could to raise you and I had to learn to live with the fact that she could bot admit error. As far as the littles, maybe coach them to respond just with an “I love you to the moon, Grandma” no matter what. It is tough but you are not alone. Some of us came into our families with issues with our moms and some did not.
Just talk to her and tell her if these can’t change you may have to distance, say it nicely, not combative. She may surprise you
Establish boundaries. I know it’s not easy but the longer she gets away with it the worse she will be. Good luck to you.
We are kindred spirit. You will never win but you can’t let it affect you. I think you should get some therapy y
It sounds like your mother has insecurity issues. Don’t take it personally. Its hard. You need to separate emotions. You can’t change people, only the way you handle it. Love your mom while she s here. Explain to your children that your mom has a funny way of saying things. Good luck.
My mother was not kind to me either. I told her I loved her a few weeks before she died but she never said it back. If you can move away do it soon.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling what I felt with my mother. This brought back too many ugly memories. People who had a loving mother will never understand the pain a mentally and emotionally unstable mother can put you through. As an adult I had to finally learn to forgive and stay away. This was after I spent years taking care of her and sacrificing my life and happiness so that she wasn’t alone and taken care of. I can’t express how difficult this was. Only by the Grace of God was I able to think of her needs before mine. Forgive and stay clear of what is hurtful to your soul. I’ve also forgiven myself for the ugly feelings I had for her. Seek spiritual strength is all I can advise. Don’t let that pain turn you into the same type of mother. God bless you.
I always felt I wasn’t good enough growing up. She always compared me to my sibling. I didn’t have a life as a teenager. There was light at the end of that tunnel through. I left home and never moved back.
So many emotions going on here. Mom sound like there’s a little insecurity. Maybe, she feels bad herself like unless she giving, you don’t accept her. It might be a good idea to stop accepting so much of receiving and just invite her out or make her lunch just you & her out for a good experience, and it might help you feeling like you’re not good enough. Try talking to her again, if it start going negative, end it, divert the conversation, sooner or later, she’ll get the message, but y’all need to agree to disagree from the beginning. You really don’t want to cut ties, just don’t know how to make it work. Let her know that she’s actually losing them and pushing them away, ask her is something wrong with them loving both a lot.
Sorry to say this but a mother like that will suck the blood out of you n your kids. Wish I would had known that with mine. I would had moved as far as I could from her:weary: So be smart save yourself n your kids from her grip Or you going to end up alone n making your kids’ lives miserable
Move to another State but remember, you will surely regret your treatment of her one day when it’s too late.
I had no issues with my Mom If your mom is still with you be very grateful no matter what!!! My mom is no longer here and I miss her more every day
As a mother with a wonderful mother I am so sad for you! I know others with mother’s like yours and it breaks my heart! I don’t understand how a mother can be like that! I hope things get better! So sorry!
some women r just not cut out to b mothers. if u feel u have done all u can with the relationship , then walk away. as hard as u may think that is going to b, u will feel the weight lifted off u. …it doesnt matter how old ur,ur still her child, and any relationship is 2-way… I cd never b the way my mother is with me towards my own children. u can only ‘hold out the olive branch’ so many times b4 it dies. if u feel u cant change her, stop trying…walk away, u will feel so much better for it. good luck x
I think the problem was with u, kinda payback time lady, when u were borned she showered u with love , attention, giving her all time and understanding! Of course not all mom were perfect but ur mom was perfectly she was, and u too , but now u the one shldshowered her attention and understanding !was ur mom good enough to u, not the other way around?!
Some people guilt trip their kids into thinking You Owe Me. Sometimes it’s the other way around, but love can’t be bought and paid for like a commodity and the expect to be worshipped for it. It is earned the old fashioned way and includes respect.
Put yourself in mom’s shoes, does she have anyone else as close to her as you apparently live. I know I only have one daughter and I feel guilty expecting anything of her and yet she is all I have. She watched me take care of my mom and what I gave up, I have given up alot for her, but would never hold it over her Head. But just think of yourself at her age in her shoes.
my mother has died and I never had a good relationship with her. it is not for the want of trying but, it just did not work out. I am okay with it. it would of been nice to have great parents but if that did not happen then it is okay to move on and live life they way I like it to be.
Tell her you love her but you not happy with how she’s acting or the things she’s saying,you want her to be part of your life but it’s hurt your kids and if she walks keep at her that you love her and want her to be part of your family ,ask her to,help you find a better way
Families fight get it over with. Put up boundaries with her. Dont let your children feel the same as you do about her
As a mother of three grown children with their own families I still like to hear from them at least once a week. No one should put a child in a situation where they have to choose a favorite grandparent. A mother raises her children doing everything for them that she possibly can. Parents should be respected ( even if you can’t get along)! Sounds like she does love you and your children.
My mother is like her mother was. If you don’t kiss her ass your not her favorite and she doesn’t communicate with you. She’s only seen her granddaughter a handful of times and she’s turning 16. I figure the phone works both ways. Miss my mom but I have a family to take care if and rhat comes first.
If she does things and throws it back in your face, STOP doing those things. You can most definitely say no, we have plans or no we don’t really feel like doing that. I know I’ve dealt with people who it seemed like they want to do things to help, then we have to hear about how hard it was to do this, what trouble it caused, how much they spent, etc etc etc. So I simply didn’t really have them do certain things. She is your mom, but don’t allow her to make you feel like crap for things she offers. I had family that it seeme like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. They looked down on me because I still lived with my parents with my ex and kids, we moved out. They looked down on me because my ex was a POS, we divorced. They looked down on me because I only had shared parenting, I did that so the kids could see both of us equally. I went to college, I’ve worked since I was 13, I married an absolutely amazing husband, became a PTA and worked both factory and nursing home at same time, we bought a house, purchased our own vehicles. All sorts of awesome accomplishments, never good enough. I finally had to cut ties with my siblings and unfortunately my dad is the one that really suffers. I also have a 'grandmother ’ whom hasn’t had anything to do with me since I was like 5, she cut ties with my parents. Just remember what kind of pain that would cause to your kids.
Yet you and family keep taking from them, the money they spend o you and your family. You need adult dialogue. Sounds like she has security issues and you fell up loved since your childhood. Dialogue even if it kills you. You try and hopefully she will join in.
Self preservation. It doesn’t seem like she cares about the effect on you or your kids. You are responsible for your children’s well being and she is emotionally hurtiiing them. Weigh the odds… Going on trips and being stressed and your kids being stressed or no more drama where she is concerned. It’s your life. You decide who you allow in your life and your children’s.
I don’t have the same issues but similar, I’ve had to make some serious boundaries
There are books on how to deal with difficult people as well as how to set boundaries.
Maybe you should just try ignoring her things she says and just change the subject talk about something else
Do not settle for any less than basic respect and healthy boundaries just because she birthed you and is your mother. Not all mothers deserve their daughters. Not all mothers are entitled to everything they desire. People grow out of home, and if said mom can’t get over the fact you have your own life and no desire to call every week, she needs to stop using manipulation because she’d get cut out real quick.
To help you speak to her and understand why she does the things she does. Most important forgive her not for her but for you.
And of course she will get upset when kids say the other grandma is better. I get upset when my kids are asked that! It’s not fair to ask that question. A grandparent should love unconditionally, no matter of they are the favorite or not. But they definitely should not be made to feel bad.
Thanks for posting this. I always thought I was the only person who had unloving mom
Go to YouTube and find all the information you can about narcissistic personality disorder. They will help you learn how to deal with your mother, and understand why she’s like that. Dealing with a person with this disorder is an art form but you can learn it.
Until you do the above, stop accepting help from your mother and stop accepting fun trips for the family, because as you say “it always gets thrown back in your face”. Train your kids what to say when grandma asks stupid questions like “which grandma do you like best”? Don’t fall for being bribed. Whatever you do, don’t let her drag you into a fight. Have your stock phrases rehearsed in your mind such “yes, I see what you mean. I’ll consider that”(Of course you won’t consider it, you’re just bowing out gracefully). Another one is: “ I’ll have to get back to you on that, I have to hang up now”. Be prepared for a big fit when you start to resist, but just keep putting down the boundaries. Decide how often it will be convenient for you to call your mom and then put those days on your calendar. Ignore her comments about how you don’t call her enough and just proceed with the conversation. If she misbehaves on the phone just say “ oops, someone’s at the door, I’ll get back to you”. You can do it!
Grow up…you only have one Mother
In that case she does not deserve you fie on her
There are a couple wonderful groups on fb for people with narcissist mothers. Join those groups. Theyre very helpful, kind,and nonjudgemental
If you can’t make a phone call once a month…shame on you. Maybe your kids will do the same to you. If your bent on breaking ties… Stop taking money, help, etc. Your parents are only here on earth for awhile. One day you’ll wish you had made that once a week call.
Write her a letter. It’s the only way to get your feelings out and for her to have a chance to think about what you are saying instead of instantly having a rebuttal or it turning into a fight.
Is anyone ever good enough for their mother?
I wish I had issues with my mom right now. If I did that would mean she is still alive
No matter what you say or how you say it, she’s not going to “hear” it. I know you’ll keep trying, and you’ll keep getting the same result. So frustrating…
She misses and loves you. Hear the love through her pain she feels when she’s missing you
Do whats best for you and your kids thats all that matters good luck for the future x