Write her a letter. Begin it with ‘mom I love you’. End it with ‘mom I love you’. Fill the middle with your post. That should sort it one way or another. Good luck. 
My Mom has severe dementia and my advice is just love her the best you can
That’s a hard problem my mother is dead I cannot help you
I forever have that issue.I hear you.
Its your problem not hers im sure doesnt give a damn because i know i wouldnt
Time to cut ties and move in your kids will be ok and you will be happy
Once she’s gone you will wish this topic never came up I miss my Momma every day
Don’t waste your time trying to make your mom see how you feel because she won’t understand. She only sees her point of view and always will. I am 66 Years old and am still trying to figure out how to make mom love me unconditionally. It never happened . I have 2 siblings who in my mother’s words were perfect and the white trash mistake she had - meaning me. After I grew up and had children of my own I gave up pleasing her ,I wanted to be a better mom than I had. I was a bad mother because I respected my children as they did me. I never talked back to her or disrespected her because I was raised to respect my elders. She had dementia and the last 4 or 5 years were really bad because she never hesitated to tell me how much she despised me. Our last lucid conversation she thought I was my a little girl who wouldn’t share my cookies with the kids in her room. She has been gone 2 years now and I go to her grave to like a good girl should do and the last thing I say when I leave is I love you Mom I am sorry you didn’t love me. Show her respect and let her know you love her and get on with your life
You sound like a horrible dughter!!!
Life is too hard for head games
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Seek professional help for both of you.
I would give anything to have my mom back. You sound a little ungrateful to me. You said she does a lot for your family. How about you appreciate it. Who ask a child who their favorite grandparents are. That’s wrong!
Oh how very sweet they are !!! 
I’m the youngest of 9 and my momma has no filter and is Blount, I didn’t talk to her for a few years but I came to my senses. Momma is 85 now and I talk to her at least once a week if not more. Just let things go, words may be brash but I don’t react cause my love for her is much greater with her rather then without. Now my daughter on the other hand? We don’t speak, I raised her and to act better then me or “try to make me a better person” don’t fly with me
Blunt answer coming at you…
Life is too short for pettiness. You, your mother, or your children could get sick or die at any moment. Grow up, get over the poor me syndrome, and let it go. Stop making everything a competition & you’ll have a better relationship with her.
You might even want to say you are not going to fight about the little things anymore.
Either kick her to the curb or deal
You can’t have it both ways. Toxic is toxic regardless of the relationship.
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Do what you feel is right.
Never entered my mind.
Be happy she calls , my mom ignores me, tells me things no mom should say to her kids ever
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I have a mother like yours. She is toxic and a master manipulator. Counseling is a good idea and establishing boundaries when you feel stronger.
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READ this book!
Check with you local library, library online (audio or digital) or perhaps free audio on YouTube. Also might reach out to the Dr John Delony show. He is part of the Ramsey Solutions team.
Sounds like a manipulation saga going on. Possibly have counseling yourself & maybe get relationship counseling with your mom later on. Only if she wants to learn how to truly love without using intimidation or manipulative tactics.
20 years ago, my mom knew better than me. She’s been gone awhile and looking back, she knew better than me.
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May mom is 94 I am here only child daughter. Our relationship has been pretty much as described above from age 13 to my 60s. I envy those who have siblings. They would be taking care of her today. Since I am her family, and retired I am taking care of her making sure she has the best possible care where she is. I see her daily and we play games which is the hi-light of her day. I have no advice except sympathy for what you are going through. I totally understand.
My best advise( works for any relationship) is a book called boundaries. It has changed many relationships for me and I Feel so much more at peace. It’s on Amazon.
I’m confused what did she do so bad
I feel unloved and my parents treat me like I am nothing to them
Be thankful you have a Mom.
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The Sisterhood: Daughters of Narcissistic and Abusive Mothers
Don’t get me started
Agree with you Patricia same here tried til i had no try left in me gave gave gave till i had nothing left to give i was never good enough i truly don’t remember ever being told I love you…thank god for grandma’s
Im 69 and she passed away this past January
I went through the same thing with my mom. Sometimes it comes to a point where you have to stand up for yourself and say what you need to say. It might hurt her but she’ll either get mad and stay mad or she’ll get mad and then eventually realize you’re right or she’ll understand how you’re feeling and she’ll be proud of you for defending yourself and your feelings. My mom and I use to fight all the time when we would talk. Once it was literally 6 months straight of just fighting with her and I ended up saying something that I probably shouldn’t have said but the fighting stopped after. It took about a month for her to say anything to me but we didn’t fight anymore. We don’t talk too often but when we do it’s actually a decent conversation. Now I’m going through it with my dad over even stupider things. Gotta do what you have to do to keep you and your kids happy. That’s all that matters. Materialistic things don’t matter as much as happiness and love.
She’s a complete narcissist and you need to drop her. People like that are toxic and rarely change. Anyone who asked my kids shit like that would be outta their life.
Nikki Maldonado Sounds awfully familiar!!
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Let her know you all love her and are appreciative for every thing she’s done. But yes, boundaries are a must. Even if it is your own mother. Be honest with her though. And know before you talk with her, she may not understand it. She may freak out but keep telling her you love her but toxic is toxic. Parent’s are not perfect. Alot don’t understand their children or are stuck in their ways. Take them for who they are an love them from a far for a little while. I had to with my mother before I started my family. Now we are closer an she loves my kids but we don’t talk about curtain thing’s that would start an argument. Boundaries!
I haven’t spoken to my mother for years. She is a heartless person,cares for no one bit herself. She has said awful, unforgivable stuff about my kids…most likely just to get to me. My kids and myself don’t need that kind of poison in our lives. Hope you sort it x
This is my family. Not my mom but my nana on so many levels with me and worse with other family members. I wish I had some advice but I too battle with this everyday.
My mother always blames me for telling her how I feel. I’ve got a new phone and she and my brother have no idea the number. Thankfully she doesn’t text or call me, so I don’t have to either. She would always text me only because she wanted something. I don’t have children so I don’t know what I can say to that part but for phone calls, does she put in the same effort? I feel like she’s only helping so she can get you to do something, that’s not love.
I suggest you read up on narcissists. There’s a few pages on Facebook dealing with the subject. But definitely get counseling!
Both of Y’all have issues that need to be dealt will. Both of Y’all are TOXIC… YOUR USING HER SHE’S DISRESPECTS YOU, AND SCREWING THE KIDS UP IN THE MEANTIME. GENERATIONAL CURSE. THE CYCLE IS REPEATING ITSELF. BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR WORTH… SORRY NOT SORRY FACTS
You tell her the truth completely whether it hurts her or not honestly. What your mom sounds like a narcissist but worse thing about them no matter what u say or do is ever going to change anything so your best bet is cutting her off completely without feeling guilty. Yes you may struggle but guess what everyone does but in the end you’ll be much happier n that weight will be off your shoulders cause that toxicity will b gone n it’ll feel like thousands of pounds was lifted off. Check your states laws n see if there’s anything abt grandparents rights if there isn’t then you should be in luck.
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Yeah. I too have a mom for whom I was never good enough. Still am not and I am over 60. Yes she is still alive. But I was never what she wanted in a daughter. Too different than the rest of my siblings, heck than the rest of my entire family. I simply accept it. I don’t tell her anything until after I have done it, so if it goes badly and she complains I say “I wish I had talked to you before I did it.” She is placated by being told she is right. I mean how does she argue that? Because it doesn’t matter to me now and it does to her she is happy and less naggy.
Likely…your mom needs to forgive herself from her own past, she needs to learn how to love without money, but she’s doing it the only way she knows how. Always say I love you, no matter what, love conquers all. The best gift u can have is a mother, do not condemn or judge her. Learn from her, ask her about her upbringing.
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Sounds like my mom. 
Elements of this remind me of my own relationship with my mother. I’ve never felt good enough for her, either. I don’t do things the way she did or does them, and I hear about it endlessly. More often than not, I go to bed after spending time with her feeling like the worst mom in the world. I’ve tried to talk to her; it just gets turned around to all the things I did as a kid/teenager that were bad. At this point, I’ve decided to stop fighting. I’m not good enough in her eyes, and I don’t believe I ever will be because I’m incredibly different from her and from my older sister. Trying to be good enough feels like beating my head off a brick wall. Talking to her is like talking to the same wall. My little family feels like I’m good enough. They tell me all the time that I’m the best ever. It hurts to know my mom feels that way about me, but at the same time, she’s no longer the most important person in my world. And my important people love me exactly as I am.
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I cur my mother off in 2014. She has never met our rainbow baby who is now 1.
She was always more into doing things for/with my siblings and their kids. Would accuse me of outrageous things. Any time I didn’t do exactly what she wanted I was worthless. She was only ever like this to me. It has led me to a mostly drama free life and I am personally grateful that I cut all ties with her.
Sounds to me she’s there when you need her…maybe it’s abit of you causing the trouble
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Old enough to realize if there are two people involved, there are two sides. You lean on your mom a lot, then get angry when she’s around. She helps out thinking that’s what you need her most for, then she gets bitter because she feels you don’t need her, just what she can do for you. Try taking yourself to a counselor. What I’ve learned is we all create our own hell. And only we can fix ourselves. If you are both blaming and not hearing each other, nothing will change. Life doesn’t always go as we thought it would. Focus on you. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
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Just tell her how you feel. Stop asking for help. Let her see the kids if you want bur keep tour distance.
I moved 8+ hours away to limit visits to longer holidays, and when there tried to keep remembering her point of view. Phone calls were long until I figured out she hated it when I called when driving. We were busy, so that was a good time for me especially since I’d let her go when I got where I was going. Before that though, or when she’d call, I’d preface the call with something like, “kids are in the tub,” or, “I’ve got 20 minutes until the bread comes out of the oven,” or I’d fudge a bit with, “we’re out riding bikes, let me call you later” even if I weren’t but the kids were. I was usually busy, truly too busy with kids and dinner and life, for a 45-min call whenever she wanted to gossip about my sisters. I made time to catch up on Sundays or after kids were asleep. It’s hard, but distance helped me. Good luck!
Do not let her do that to your children, they are going to be confused and scared about saying the wrong thing all the freaking time. They are going to end up being in the same boat that you are in. If you can’t set boundaries without hurting someone’s feelings, I don’t think that person deserves to be in your life. You deserve to be happy and taken care of to, you shouldn’t have to work for your mom to treat you correctly
I don’t know much about your childhood based on what you’ve told us, but it sounds like your mom holds some guilt for the way you were treated while you were young. In turn she is buying yours and your children’s love now by financing things or even experiences. The memories are great to have, but not at the expense of it being held against you later. Maybe invite her over for meals or games or even just to hang our outside to show her that a good time can be had without the cost of money. Your children should not have to pick favorites either and you don’t want your kids to remember her by the dollar amount she spent. There is way more to life, make costless memories.
Cut ties & do it now.
Honey. Just cut the ties. It’s doesn’t matter about money or fun trips if she’s toxic she’s toxic get you and your children away before she negatively impacts them the way she did you.
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I had a mother like yours. It came to a point I had to let go of her for my health. Don’t wait stop putting yourself through this.
Toxic you’ll do yourself and your kids a favor by staying away from her
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Ana Medina sounds familiar 
Join The Sisterhood: Daughters of Narcissistic and Abusive Mothers
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What in this world? All you women saying walk away…I’m guessing the 10 commandment mean nothing to people now days. “Honor thou father and mother” this was not a temporary command. Or till you dont want to" its God’s command…
It’s your mother, the woman who gave u life. Appreciate her & all her little quirks. Everyone fights or argues at times. Just don’t dwell on it. She won’t b here forever.
Just be glad that you still have your mother. Even if sometimes she can get on your nerves. She can be your mother/best friend but you never know when she won’t be around anymore. I miss my mom more than ever. She and I fought on and off but she will always be there for you when you need her. She will always love you deep down.
Try to make it work.She won’t be here forever.You only have one mother in this lifetime and believe me you will miss her when she’s gone.
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Sounds like it’s your mom that has a problem and puts it on you to make herself feel better. Don’t let her rent space in your head. Go on with your life. Your wasting a good life trying to please her, please yourself first.
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I sat down and wrote my mom and dad a letter explaining how I felt and what they did to make me feel the way I did . I told them I forgave them and I love them but I have to love them from a far for a while . I told them if they decided they wanted to talk just contact me the balls in your court and they never called . I came back and talked to my mom when she passed and then she begged me not to stay gone so long . My dad and I have mended and I m taking care of him . God gave me peace over it all . Sometimes it works out with God on your side . My dad and I are the only two left out of a family of 5. My brother 29 my mom my sister 48 have all passed . This is your life God will give you a sign just listen with your ears and eyes
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I was lucky to have a wonderful mom, however the last 4-5 years before her passing, she started slowly to develop Alzheimer’s and though not mean or violent, really was rough on me(I was the workhorse, don’t bother the others THEY’RE too busy and you’re not?!) I just kept trying to remember the good qualities, Times etc. remember you can’t change people but you can manage how you react to them(difficult but doable)refuse to let HER feelings be YOUR feelings. I know from your post you aound like a good, thoughtful daughter. Explain to your kids w/out blaming anyone and live your own life happily. If she’s doing it on purpose, being happy anyway is the best revenge. Sometimes even before her Alzheimer’s it seemed my mom was mad at me because I could do all the things she couldn’t anymore. (But it was also the way she taught me) Now as I age I understand a bit more as we lose bits of our independence, but it wasn’t my fault she aged w/difficulty. Be firm but kind, you are a good person because you care. Good luck, praying for you.
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I would see a therapist on your own. They should be able to help you see or try different ways of communication with her. They can even help you understand her behaviour. I’m guessing she has a narcissistic personality, for which you can do nothing about. But a good therapist can help you know how to deal with her in a way that is healthy for you. Good luck!
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Mom is a narcissistic and you will never get through to her that you love and appreciate her. Move away put space between. This behavior is s generational thing and you don’t want it.
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Sounds like my mom and me all over again! Has it ever occurred to you that she might not be good enough for you? And that it is she who, whether she realizes it or not, is the one with the problem? Just know that you are just fine the way you are!!
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I asked myself these questions when I was thirty. And, sadly, suffered with my mother’s toxicity until I was sixty at which point I just stopped. I cut the tie and let her go. Painful but the stress was killing me. For the past five years, the pain of never having a mother that I could love, one that was so hurtful was hard but so much easier than trying to please a woman who could never be pleased. She died last week. I lost a mother I never really had. May she rest in peace. God bless you and your family.
Maybe you’re too sensitive??? Accept what is nite your tongue and enjoy the good times call a bit more often your mom will be gone some day then you’ll wonder why you were so critical!!! Older people think different than the young but if she’s doing things with the grands and doing for you just enjoy what you can !!!my grands used to tell me “my good grandma this or that”
It was the other grandma that saw them once a year LOL but that was their GOOD GRANDMA hahahahaha I let it slide
Three were raised by me so they saw all of me all the time older now and things change !
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Mom’s are not perfect. We all have much to learn. Life is a constant growing process till the day we die. Loving Relationships are not easy, yet they are worth some sacrifices. If your mom is like me, she worked hard her entire life to provide for her children. I was a single parent. Now I am retired. I have more time for my kids and grandkids; however, they are at that super busy stage I was once in. Time is a precious commodity. Rich or poor, we all get 24 hours a day. It’s up to us to Balance our priorities. Our time on earth is temporary, use it wisely. Always, always be thankful and practice Grace. Love is the greatest gift of all. It is always good to view the situation from the other person’s angle and be part of the solution, not the problem. Encourage one another and be kind, in time it may be the change you hope for. In the end, you will have fewer regrets.
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Sad to say valerie you are your own worst enemy you have a battle with yourself your mom is gone now you made your bed now lay in it.Im so glad you open the door for me to say this.God be with you.The test has just begin. It want be easy.Be bless
And that pain, although it doesn’t hurt as much with time, remains for he rest of your life.
What goes around comes around, have more patience with your Mother she had patience and love when she carried you for 9 month,how can any one turn on there Mother
Start off by telling her that you love her and that you appreciate everything that she does for you and the kids.
Wow, I certainly hope you don’t listen to anyone on here who’s telling you to put up with it. You’re a human being and deserve better. She’s emotionally manipulative and it’s gross.
Don’t worry, cut the ties if you want but them don’t sit there and cry because you miss her! I have experience with this!
First get in therapy for you. Learn to identify with who you really are not what others want you to be. Sometimes, one feel it hard to look critically at oneself but from my own personal opinion and experience with this,this is where it starts to improve. You really need to know you are ok with you, your growth, your pace, your family, your choices or you will feel fickle checking to see if you need to adapt again for others no matter who they may be. SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES FOR EVERYONE, STARTS WITH THE TOXIC PEOPLE WHO CAN NOT CANCEL OUT. They are still in your circle to an extent so they will affect you but you get to control that. In time those same behaviors will be disturbing your kids and so forth. Let your children enjoy the bliss of not knowing the details of the mess already made until they can grasp it, perhaps closer to adulthood. Take care of you mental health before it is a distress. Enjoy life in peace. Those are a few of my personal endeavors and suggestions on how to cope when you can’t “elope”!
Please tell me you and your Moms star signs. I have this problem but have realized we are not comparable. So we do not contact each other as she caused me high blood pressure.
Just because she’s your mom doesn’t mean you cant cut ties with her, my husband cut ties with his mom because she is a negative toxic person, no one is obligated to put up with people like that, I cut ties with my own grandmother for the same reason, it has to be pretty bad to get to that point, you have to let go of anything that takes your peace away. Don’t feel bad, a piece of advice I can give you is that you just have to come to terms is something happens to her and not feel guilty for not having a relationship. Everday I watch my mom stress over my grandmother’s negativity and poison and see it affect my mom’s health. I’d go to see a therapist if I were you and then have a sit down with your mom making your feelings clear without engagement in argument, it’s hard but it can be done. I personally would tell her hey thanks for all you do but the negativity has to stop and if it doesn’t maybe you need to keep more distance. I know I sound harsh but I have kids and a husband I need to be OK for and I dont want them to think that they have to put up with people’s negativity just because they are “family”. Negativity is a contagious energy just like a cold and it also affects your health. I hope you can figure it out for your own peace of mind.
A good therapist will help. Also, she will never change, you need to change how to react to her.
Omg i miss my mom so much we had our problems to but since she passed away i never realized how much she meant to me. She was everything to us what i wouldnt give to just have her here even just for an hour. Now me and my daughter are close for her bridal shower we played a game and they asked her fiance what is one thing she cant live without i said her dogs lol he turned around and said no she said her mom. I will always remember that
First, you do not know your mother you only know what she wants you to know and that is where it stops, you did not live her life. You did not walk in her shoes she all you say she can’t be that bad. Maybe an amount of introspection will help. Have you ever told her you love her? Have you ever put your arm around her shoulders when walking. Have you thanked her for what she does for the grandchildren? Do you build her up in front of people or tear her down?
Sorry about the mistakes in the previous comment. Facebook is becoming harder and harder for me. Try hard to bridge your relationship with your Mother, no one loves you more than she does and she needs your love and appreciation in these times more than ever.
Perhaps you may find answers in a book called boundaries
Wow ok just take one day at a time baby steps toxic people can lead you to become toxic so just love her at your own paste do you and what makes you comfortable when you are around sometimes distance is vital
When she dies you will know real pain😢
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You only have 1 mother…love and respect her…one day she’ll be gone. 
Tell her all you just told us. Some people dont know their toxic. Let her read the text. You only get one mama.
I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Just remember your children are watching you and how you treat you parents. If you are okay with them cutting ties with you when they have children keep it up and they will be sure not to disappoint you.
Maybe you are the cause. Think about it.
You sound like
An immature child. Wait till you get her age and see how your children treat you. She is very lonely and pray for any time with
You. Eventually all you have are memories
That is called toxic and gaslighting. I go through that too
My egg donor told me all the time she never wanted any girls. If it wasn’t illegal she’d tie concrete blocks to my ankles and throw me off a bridge. When I had my first tubal pregnancy her first words to me were " Jesus Christ Debra Ann you can’t even do the one thing you were put here to do". She died in 2000 I wasn’t there when she died, I didn’t go to her funeral and I have no idea where she’s buried and don’t care. I’ve never shed one tear for her.
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I think you need to address the issue when it is happening. Set a boundary then. No good trying to “talk about it”. Consistently let her know when she is out of line. She will either shape up or ship out. Letting this happen to your kids is not ok and is your responsibility.
I know exactly how you feel.
Prayers peace love and light
I’m the 2nd of 4 children. I was always the least favored. Least cared for, and to the extent that all our friends growing up even saw it. But I was the first to have kids. My parents loved my kids and generally treated them well, but they are alcoholics and emotionally stunted. My senior year in high school my mom got drunk and told me she hated the fact that I grew in her stomach. Fully unprovoked. I was just sitting at the kitchen table happily playing a game with my older sister.
My younger sister got addicted to heroin and my parents went out of their way to enable her addiction. They didn’t want to point their frustrations towards her, so they started doing it to me. My dad in particular would call me up just to curse me out and demean me and then he’d justify it by saying he was mad at my sister. I tried setting various boundaries, but it’s hard for two out of control people to suddenly live within a boundary.
My final straw was when my oldest (who was 4 at the time) said that they fought in front of her and it made her scared she would get hurt. I grew up in that environment and I refused to put my children through that. I will not normalize that behavior for them.
So, I pulled the plug set a standard for reconciliation. I didn’t demand perfection, but I demanded health boundaries, which included them no longer enabling my sister (handing her wads of cash, driving her to drug deals, etc), no longer fighting in front of my children, and a general acknowledgment of their behavior towards me that needed to end (calling me just to yell at me, saying hurtful things out of no where, etc).
Over 3 years later and little has changed in their lives. It was hard at first, but it’s also been amazing to see all I’ve accomplished without their abuse constantly around me. I’ve become a foster parent, excelled at work, received several raises, built a house. I grew close to a friend suffering from cancer and leaned in to support her, even as she was dying. I’ve been more emotionally available. Happier.
Not the same situation by any means, but I’d say try setting boundaries and if that doesn’t work consult a counselor. However, if her behavior is making your kids feel unsafe, back away now.