I feel like my spouse likes his female friend: Advice?

Mine SO has this friend that is a woman, and they were friends before I came into the picture. I don’t care about gender as my best friend is a guy. However, he did tell her (before we got together that he has feelings for her) they still talk via social media. Never face to face. However, I feel like he is only talking and being supportive of her because he still likes her. He and she have not said anything out of line to each other. I do not feel as if he would cheat on me. But I can’t stop getting bothered every time I see they have messages between each other. Only for the fact that he has in the past admitted to feelings before we were together. Any advice on how to handle this?

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If he has feelings or not for her, why don’t you ask him about it? He’s the only one that knows… If you do decide to ask him, prepare yourself for the worse, because he might be afraid to talk to you because of how you might react… If you don’t feel that he would cheat on you, then I would suggest that you let it slide… he chose to be with you after all! It might be hard to let it go, but if you see a future with him, then why not be honest with each other?

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my spouse likes his female friend: Advice?

Have a heart to heart with your so.if he feels how this really bothers you he should take steps to put some distance between he and this friend.

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Be open and honest to him. Bring that up (him saying he had feelings before y’all dated) and see what he says now. Assure him you just want the truth and if he has feelings for her he is more then welcome to end things with you and go. But you deserve honesty.

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I would just talk to him. See if he still has any feelings towards her. Maybe his feelings have changed for her over time? Also, maybe ask him to see if you can talk to her and see how she feels about him? Most of my friends were always guys growing up, and I have had females message me and add me on social media even just so they could get a feel for who I was and make sure they felt more comfortable with things. It didn’t bother me one bit because my guy friends are just that, guy friends, even if they said at any point they cared for me more than that. I’ve even ditched out on my guy friends and became friends with their GFs because they decided to be inappropriate while in a relationship and I flat out told the GFs. I try to hold my guy friends accountable because I would want someone to tell me if my husband was doing/saying things he shouldn’t be. Just talk to him. Maybe add her and/or message her. If there is nothing weird (feeling wise) he shouldn’t have any issues with you messaging her or adding her on social media.

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So he told her he had “feelings” but she passed on that component of their relationship, but remained close but long distance friends? sounds like soulmate scenario to me, I think your safe, in fact if I were to bet I’d say she friend zoned his ass

Talk to him if you don’t like the results leave him

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Trust! You need to have trust in your relationship. He hasn’t given you a reason to be worried about anything or gotten out of line with conversation with her so to me its your own insecurities that are pulling at you. Take a deep breath and learn to trust that what you have is enough and continue on. You got this! :two_hearts:

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Ask him about it, you will know by the way he reacts & your gut never lies

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My rule is simple: if anyone every liked or touched or flirted with anyone - they get dropped for the sake of the relationship

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Im no councellor/professional but This is a very complicated and fragile situation because no one can really tell you what truly is. There could be various answers to your question when you look at this from outside the box/3rd pov.
He could be moving on/maybe he genuinely cares about her wellbeing/maybe he simply does it out of respect of their friendship and bond/maybe the love evolved onto something more of a friendly approach/maybe he is just used to having her around…etc.
I would say that he does it out of love of his friend and I’d ask you not to be worried because if he always stayed in touch w her and still got together with you, and you’ve both came so far, then he really thought out his future with you and only you in mind. Ain’t nobody would have done that if they hadn’t moved on. He might as well have feelings for her now, but not able to make any use of them, even without you in the picture, because he accepted the rejection. Or Maybe he never had those feelings in the first place and he was wrong. People tend to be impulsive w making choices in their youth, especially teenage men. However i do not agree with the fact that he feels the Need to stay in touch with her, and if you want to stop that, my advice would be to not to mention anything about her, dont specify any rules or set any boundaries, as these might end up making things worse. Dont make this about her or you or even him!! Instead you work on being his #1 and his main focus of the day, make sure that you fill in that position in his eyes and sooner than you think, he will have stopped talking to her much without ever ruining their friendship. Make him comfortable with you! Make him trust you more!!! You have your whole life “Together” ahead of you, so take your time and get more comfortable with him and figure it out. No rush.
~But before all this, before diving so deep, ask Yourself if he has genuine feelings for you. And then Really ask yourself if you do for him too, and that should answer it all!! If and when you know the answer to that, none of his female friends will bother you; regardless of their history and friendship. Trust me people really change moving forward with their lives and feelings remain feelings until that feeling just turns into a memory that you ever so slightly remember with the help of certain something(a particular place/scent/song…etc). Yes sometimes its hard to move on, its hard to put it behind but its never impossible. Feelings dont really matter, what matters are bonds. Wish you all the best❤

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I wouldn’t have this .

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He might like her and only dated you cuz for some reason their not together. Like maybe she didn’t want to date him. Saying this cuz of experience. My best friend is a guy and liked me but I chose not to date him at the time so he dated someone else. Well now we been together for 5 years

Why does he have a female friend?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my spouse likes his female friend: Advice?

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my spouse likes his female friend: Advice?

At some point you just have to trust him. You will drive yourself crazy over thinking about it. If he’s never cheated or given any real reason to lose trust, knock it off.

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I find it strange that his past admission of feelings doesn’t bother HER. Like if I had a guy best friend who admitted he had feelings for me and then he started a relationship with someone else, I’d feel weird having consistent communication like that. The fact that they only communicate via social media is also kind of weird to me - and she may just want to respect your relationship by not having in person contact, but idk.

I get they haven’t said anything that’s crossed a boundary but still … I feel like if he no longer has feelings for her and she doesn’t have feelings for him, why wouldn’t they want to do social things with you also in attendance?

The fact that he told you he had feelings for her does earn him points in my eyes - but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t STILL feel that way. Idk … maybe tell him that it bothers you and just have a heart to heart about how you both feel (about this specific situation and about each other).

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I think some self reflection and really digging into why you’re finding it hard to trust will be very critical here, since it sounds like he hasn’t given you a reason not to trust him. Jealousy and insecurity are VERY human and very normal. Your feelings aren’t bad. I think that the growth needs to be with you so that you can unburden yourself of feeling this way. :purple_heart:

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If you are so worried about him.having a female friend then you should getvrud of your male friend as your husband probably feels tge sane way you do about friends

He has/had feelings for her, but you trust him, so I guess I’m missing the problem. If it were me, I would prefer him to be supportive of his friends. Even if his friends do not feel the same level of closeness. I think it speaks to his character.

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I would nicely talk to him about it and how you are feeling towards it. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that either honestly. I wouldn’t tell him he needs to stop being friends with her, but if he chooses to do so for your relationship and your comfort / that is on him. He might even just reassure you that he loves YOU and wants to be with YOU :purple_heart:

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There’s a reason you feel this way… trust your gut because it’s right lol . Talk to your husband but prepare to be disappointed since he’ll never admit it anyway lol

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Befriend the girl! That’s what’ll make the feeling go away, at least that’s what makes it go away for me! Tell your man you want to meet her. If there’s really nothing going on, it won’t be a problem. I’ve met my husband’s ex’s and ex-fuck friends and we ALL get along! Their personalities are great, we are all mature, and we feel like somewhat of an “Eskimo sister” tribe :joy:

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It sounds like just a friendship to me. He may feel the same about you and your guy friend. You have to trust him. He’s not given you any reason what so ever to not trust him. Sounds like he lets you read their messages and is open with their friendship. What more could you ask for? He chose YOU. She respects your relationship and doesn’t overstep.

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Sounds like he’s been honest with you about her, his feelings were before you. I think you’re overreacting!

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I feel like Kimmi Elizabeth has some good advice. I also feel like you will always feel like there is a third person in the relationship and it will eat you up if you allow it to, unless you either decide to get it out of your mind and completely render it unimportant or leave altogether. These type of things tend to chip at you a little at a time and it’s definitely upsetting if you find you may bring it up and your spouse brushes it off instead of validating your concerns. You’ve already mentioned that he doesn’t give you any indication that anything untoward is going on, however I still feel like this is something only you can either get over or get out of.

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Personally I wouldn’t worry, even if he does have a crush thr friend must gave put him.in his place and he’s completely honest with you about it, that in itself is rare and I’m sure if you asked him what her response was when she told him that he’d tell you, I love the honesty he has tbh he sounds like a good one

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If they haven’t said anything out of line to each other why stress yourself out about it. Either you trust him or you don’t. He chose you. Regardless of feelings he may have had for her, he picked to be with you.
Either you trust him and it’s no big deal or you don’t and you leave 🤷

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He literally chose to be with you when he could have had her for years. AND he doesn’t even hang out with her anymore. If you can’t trust him to have a female friend then the relationship will never work out. I’d honestly recommend therapy.

I go with the Harry and Sally theory… men and women cannot be just friends… unless there is a sexual preference variant. Even if he has feelings for her and he chose you… I just can’t help thinking that it might cause disruptions in a marriage. And it might come down to you both giving up your best friends. But unless you can be ok with it, how can you expect him to be? And maybe I’m way off. Probably it’s nothing that needs to be addressed! But that’s how I’d look at it. I hope that I’m just being prude and behind the times!

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Im going to need you to reel in the jealousy. Unless u got proof of something. Dont feel alone thougj. cause i dont care for my man talking to his female friends either.

If he cant be friends with her then u can’t be friends with your guy bestfriend

He admitted having feelings for her before you got together… He chose you :revolving_hearts:

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Time to time talking with opposite sex is OK,but when u chatting or meeting them on daily basis,that’s weird for me.

Honestly feel she’s just a friend to him, I’d he let’s you read messages I wouldn’t worry, jealousy and insecurity feeling happen with us woman it’s normal I’d tell him “look honey this is how I’m feeling all though I understand she’s just a friend I can’t help but be a little jelly or insecure.” And see what he says about it honey

My husband and I have been married 27 years, together 29 and out of respect neither of us would have or hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone. We are fairly old fashioned, but when we got married he retained my guy friends and I his female friends… they became family friends. As a younger couple there was no longer a need for us to have outside confiding relationships, we had each other. As time went on we narrowed our friendship to the pool of parents. Parties changed to play dates, & now our kids are grown. While we still have our friends, we do most everything together. He is my guy friend and I’m his female friend.
In the end it comes down to whether it strains the relationship, anything that threatens a relationship should be left in the past, a marriage is your new life and while ik it’s a very old school way of looking at it marriages did last with the old ways. Theres times where you just have to know your man, and go by your true instinct, not insecurities or jealousy. Most men work in situations where both sexes are beside each other every day and vice versa, you cant let it make you crazy. That wasn’t the case for us but had it been I would’ve trusted him fully.

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I dont think anyone should be friends with their ex’s or ex crushes (unless they have kids with them). Jmo. But he might see it as one sided if you make them stop being friends since your bff is a man.
I would just talk to your SO honestly. And tell him how you are feeling. But not in an attacking manner. But inform him your feelings and that you just need some reassurance. Everyone needs reassurance once in a while in relationships. :sparkles:

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My best friend is a guy, we have history that goes WAYYY back, we love each other dearly but not like that anymore, he’s in a long term relationship that involves children, house ownership, etc (never been married), I’m in a relationship that is my world. I feel that she (his woman) doesn’t trust me and that kills me because I would never!! However, she knows our history… as women, I don’t think that we ever truly trust…

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Honestly if he admitted feelings before he got with you that means he picked you over her. I’d say stop worrying so much and have some faith in him.

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So you think he has feelings for her but have no actual reason to feel like that? If neither of them have crossed a line then I think you’re overreacting.

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I’m sorry but I feel like you shouldn’t be talking to nobody you fucked with or wanted in the past when you are in a relationship UNLESS they got kids. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Everyone’s supposed to wait until they cross the line f*** that. Catch that before hand and go w ur gut. Especially if they talk consistently

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If it happened before you, you need to teuat tour man. Would he of got with you if he atill had feelings? Just cause he did THEN doesnt mean he DOES NOW. You said yourself you dont think he’ll cheat.
I know it can be grating when you see this relationship. But dont go looking for problems

You and he need to have a talk.

Until something happens don’t stress over it.
I know that sounds horrible but if they are going to cross the line there’s nothing you can do to change that
And if they don’t then it’s fine.
Yes it’s not cool he said he had feeling for her but if they aren’t hangout together anymore then it’s all good

It seems you have something within yourself that you need to work on if they haven’t gotten out of line or really done anything to make you feel this way then that’s a you thing and you should just sit and reflect on you and your feelings! Not meaning that in a mean way by any means! But it seems to me you’re insecurities are coming to light!

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Either trust him or ask to join their relationship :woman_shrugging:

You’d have to be reading his msgs to know this information to begin with…

There’s only room for one female/male in a relationship.

Set clear boundaries tell him this bothers you because of his admitted feelings for her. Be clear and present with him when you have this talk and ask for some simple boundaries. If he is not able of willing to respect boundaries for you on this one instances leave now while the leaving is easy.

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My only answer to this is keep your sex life spicey. My so never knows who he is coming home to, wigs costumes we. And honestly it’s for me :joy::joy: who am I gonna be tonight? :woman_shrugging:

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I feel like you need to have a conversation with you husband about this because I am friends with one of my ex but my boyfriend knows that we are completely platonic and I have reassured my partner that we are. He helps me out from time to time when I’m in financial trouble but it’s because he knows that I mean well and it’s genuine. The most important thing is that your husband or his friend does not go over the line. I understand why you are bothered and how you feel is valid. Talk to him in a calm manner and tell him how you feel :slightly_smiling_face:

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Sounds like you have some trust issues to work on.

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Make him stop now or drop him :woman_shrugging:t2:
If he hasn’t already cheated , I believe it crosses his mind every time they talk.
Just my opinion.

I’m okay with being toxic bout this shit​:joy::skull:

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Yeah no tell him to cut that shit off or you’re gone - and go.

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Get your guy friend and his girl friend and have a 4 some.

Oof, you have much to learn about the dynamics in intimate relationships…good luck :joy::woman_facepalming:t2:

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my spouse likes his female friend: Advice?

IMO If you’ve ever had feelings for a person or a past sexual relationship then as soon as you get into a relationship those friendships should be in the past. It doesnt matter if they’ve never done anything with each other. As soon as I got into a relationship with my fiancé I dropped everyone I ever had feelings for or had a past sexual relationship with. That’s how it should be in my opinion but every one has different opinions and morals. Just talk to your s/o and be honest about how you feel

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People can be friends after expressing feelings for each other and never act on those feelings. It sounds like you need to have a talk with your SO and get your feelings out in the open. You sound very insecure and need to find peace

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Ignore the insecure talk! You have every right to feel the way you do, but communication is key…

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My questions for you would be how did you find out he had feelings for her in the past? Did he or she tell you? That’s open communication in my eyes either or. If he’s not hiding conversations or saying anything out of line to her OR to you about her, I don’t see an issue. I definitely know you can be nervous or self conscious of the thought/subject as most women are. But-if you have genuine concerns, communicate and express those to him.

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This needs some major communication and active listening from.both of you.

Baby girl don’t communicate to us strangers who are only getting a pebble of insight to this relationship, talk to your man and express your feelings about it cause I had the same situation with my bf and one of his friends and he apologized profusely for creating these insecure doubts in my head reassured me that was in the past and without even telling me deleted her off his social media though I never said or asked him to do any of that but he did it out of respect for me. Men are so oblivious, you need to voice this shit out.

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Feelings are fleeting. If he told you before that he used to have feelings for her, then clearly he’s honest. I’d do my best to remind myself that he isn’t doing anything wrong. He can’t help how he felt and if they’re friends and haven’t crossed lines, I wouldn’t be worried.

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Talk to your man about it, not on here.

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No reason for a man to lean on another woman when he already has one and vice versa. And if she really is a close or a good friend… like “family” as they would say… than why can’t she be one with you too?

He married you so get over it and move on . Your mind is toxic don’t let it destroy your marriage

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I respect my friends girlfriends/wifes… I make a point to touch base and maybe say hello and how are the kids…but for respect, I kinda drop my guy friends that get in a relationship.

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Trust. We both have friends of the opposite sex, even a couple ex boyfriends. No feelings other than fond memories. You have to live and trust.

Live and let God. Be smart, be aware, but don’t project your thoughts onto his situation. If the feelings were mutual, it is likely that he wouldn’t have been open to meeting and dating you, as she was already in his life beforehand.

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He married you. So he loves his friend too. Bet he loves his male friends also. Nothing wrong with that. But no quicker way to push him out the door than act like a jealous shrew over nothing.

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Do you feel like you are his second choice because he can’t have her? Do you feel like if she decided she wanted him, he would drop you? I get it. Been there. Have a talk with him. If you are his first choice he will understand and he will make you feel like his first choice. He did marry you. I feel like he should cut ties with her for the sake of the marriage. You should come first over all other women.

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Sorry for the long read but I hope this helps!
Not exactly the same situation but I feel this could help because I know that feeling all too well when it came to my husband.

My husband and his ex broke up many years ago (had already been broken up for over two years before we even met) and they had a son together. I knew about this son before I started a relationship with my husband so it was never a problem. However, I noticed by small gestures that he loved her. He was never inappropriate about it and has always respected me 100% but I just knew that he still had some kind of feelings for her.

So one day I sat down and spoke to him, I straight up told him “I want you to be honest with me because this has been messing with me for a while and I want to know where I stand, do you still have feelings for her? Do you love her?”

He simply told me that she was a part of his life for over 15 years and of course the mother of his child. He loves her and they would get along great, they were amazing friends but also knows and understands that they are not good together, therefore, he would never try to go back into a situation where he is not happy. He told me he loves me and wants to be with me and would never do anything to jeopardize that.

I believed him and it was the best decision I ever made. We all got to spend time together on multiple occasions. They would talk multiple times a week (again, never inappropriate) and their son loved it because he saw that everybody around him was happy and getting along.

She sadly passed away last year after a long battle against cancer and he was absolutely devastated. When I look back, I only feel guilty about feeling insecure about their friendship or whatever feelings he might have had.

Talk to him. Understand that he is also human and still is allowed to feel things. It is always better to know the truth, rather than making up scenarios in your head.

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The world needs love and good friends.

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Let him know how you feel, discuss this with him that’s where your real answer is cuz it seems to be bothering you

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So basically you just don’t like him talking to her.

Drop all your guy friends then it’s reasonable to expect him to drop his girl friends.

Until then, you’re being unreasonable.

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Stop beating around the bush just ask him if he’s attracted to her

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I mean honestly, if he told her that he had feelings for her then that’s not just a regular friendship.

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Be friends with her too. Chat her up on social media and see how he reacts. If possible read their messages after you “befriend” her

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Having a friend of the opposite sex is tricky to begin with but if he has feelings for her it would be a HARD no.

Always trust your gut. If it feels like something is off, it is.
My husband had a “friend” that I always felt uncomfortable with. He would always game with her, but I had no proof that they were anything more than that. I never heard them talk about anything off either. He swore up and down they were just friends and nothing more. I felt like I was just crazy. Well, we ended up separating for a brief amount of time, and he had a fling with her as soon as we separated. If you have a bad feeling about a female friend, that’s your gut telling you something is off.

Get to know her and trust your instincts. But also, keep in mind that he married you. She might have been a previous crush but you came along and now you’re the one he’s building a life with.

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Ask him? Tell him how you feel. Hope he’ll be honest.

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You can spend your time dwelling on this or spend your time showing him he’s with the right person …you decide because jealousy is a poison that continues to infect a relationship until it kills it .good luck I say. …

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So I have a best friend that a guy and my so has a half wife from his dead fiancé yes me and my best friend always stated that a relationship would never come between me and him his ex’s had issues so they split up me and his girlfriend are good friends and so is my so half wife we’re always talking all of us but they may have feelings but if they tried and didn’t work out it’s probably they are better off as friends versus a couple we all have and we like the way it is now

sometimes all it takes is voicing how you feel to realize that it’s silly

Make friends with her. Speak openly with your husband…

She had feelings for her he admitted those feelings she didn’t reciprocate and now they’re still friends if you didn’t know that he had once had feelings for her with any of this bother you? If not you just kind of sound insecure even though you’re trying not to be and I talk about that but also work through it with yourself

Are you sure your not just having your own personal insecurities because you know he expressed feelings to someone else before you? And you “know” her.

Just leave it alone…She doesn’t like him. Men need friends, too. They need female friends they are not sleeping with to develop healthy relationships with women period.

There isn’t a man alive who has female friends and doesn’t feel something for them.

That said, I echo what others here have said in that he CHOSE you.

My husband’s longtime best friend is a woman, and he did feel that way about her once upon a time… but never acted on it even when it was offered and he was single.

Feelings for a friend of the other sex aren’t the same as lustful thoughts or a desire to be with… actually, it’s normal. Men usually can’t tell the difference, their brains are somewhat simpler than ours. :wink:

If they’re not getting all cutesy or otherwise interfering with your relationship (stealing time/attention), then the admitted feelings are just that. Just watch for the aforementioned emotional affair warning signs… they don’t usually do it intentionally.

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I’m single so I have not shared this feeling before. Even when I did date, honestly I did not focus on who they talked to and how often. Unless I was jealous of the time they spent with them and I would just bring it up to them like that. Like hey, I want time too.

But idk. I don’t think it’s right to try and control a person’s relationship with others. Especially if you have a male best friend too.

Everyone is born with differences in experience and mindset and as a wife , I think it would be exhausting to try and meet the all of your husband’s needs.

My advice: Meet the girl. Show interest in their conversations. Find out what he likes about her. Make her a mutual friend.

Lastly, stop making the woman the problem. Address your husband and ask him why he is entertaining a woman he had feelings for. It isn’t up to the woman, it’s your man that is doing this…

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I’m seeing a lot of people say, even though he admitted to feelings for her but chose you. You should just let it be type of scenario. Go with your gut. Someone I was with had a best friend who was female. He admitted he had feelings for her but chose me. Later down the road I found out their conversations became extremely friendly and passed boundaries we had set together. People shouldn’t be with other people when they have feelings for someone else. Weather it’s intentional or not. Those feelings and everything in between get passed around eventually. It just becomes a mess. I would talk to your spouse and see where that gets you. If you don’t like the outcome, then I’d suggest moving on.
Also wanted to add; people will admit to having feelings for someone else just to show they are being transparent and honest. So that way you let down your guard, then they make moves.

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Cut it off or cut him off. Y’all have to prioritize your relationship first, not friendships outside your marriage. If it bothers you, it should bother him.
But that’s just me.

How long ago did he say he had feelings for her? You have to trust him or you are going to go crazy. Maybe just be honest and upfront with him it makes you intimidated .

When I met my hubby 13 years ago, he had a female friend as well. When I was so much younger, I was pretty insecure about it, but they never ever gave me a reason to be mistrustful about the situation. So her and I became friends too, cuz she’s one of my hubby’s best friends. Now, all my kids call her Aunt and she comes over a few times a week, and is our hairstylist. She’s one of the best people I know :heartpulse: