I feel my boyfriend isn't taking any steps to better our future: Advice?

My boyfriend does not take any steps to create a future for us. A little background, I am 27 and have been with my boyfriend for over a year. I have my own place and pay my own full rent. And he is comfortable coming over all the time and spending the night but not living together or helping me with rent...When I ask my boyfriend about a future together, he will say he sees me in his future. But he is not ready to live together or make any steps towards the future. Granted, we haven't been together for a super long time, but I would like to start talking about planning on living together, planning on starting a family, and marriage. But he is not even comfortable discussing any of those topics. I'm not looking to jump into it. I don't want to be too pushy. But starting a family in the next couple of years is something I for sure would like to do. I definitely do not want to rush into things, but I feel like after a year, asking to discuss living together isn't too much...He is very hesitant, and it makes me feel like he doesn't love me or like maybe we're not compatible. He has had friends and family ask him about living together in front of me, and he will just shrug his shoulders, and then tell me he feels put on the spot. Has anyone else had similar situations with their man not being ready for these steps? And again, I'm not looking to jump into marrying someone and having babies right away, I just would like to start planning for the future and discussing as I want these things to come along in the next couple of years. Has anyone else had their man be "not ready" and have success starting a family? Should I just drop the topic with him and wait? I do know these things come in time. It just hurts me not to even be able to address any future plans...I honestly just don't want to wait until I'm 30 to start a family as I do want multiple kids and don't want to start the process at 30.
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Somone cn only agree to commit and think about children if they feel that way and want to. You can push someone into that. It doesn’t work like that. Families are not created on a written time schedule one draws up. They happen when both parents feel committed, are ready and truly want that. He doesn’t want that yet and not with someone he has only been with a year. If someone isn’t ready, it’s irresponsible to push them to commit and create children. Part of being an adult, and most especially, a parent is doing things responsibly, not being impatent and just wanting what we want, even when not right for the family we create. If it is right, it will happen. If he is the person you genuinely love, you respect how he feels, want him to feel ready and he is not just a placefiller to create what you want. If not, you shouldn’t be together in the first place and definitely not start a family.

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Girl. I’m here to tell you that men know what they want within the first 6 months. If he’s hesitant or non committal in his conversation, he’s not the one. He’d be more than happy to have this discussion if it was really something he was committed to. I’d definitely cut my losses.

So I dated a guy for 2 years. It was serious. Or so I thought. After some time I started asking about marriage. He would tell me it just wasn’t the right time. Both our leases were going to be up, so we talked about moving in together. I said I wouldn’t without knowing we were officially going somewhere. He said he was proposing soon, so we got a place together. A year goes by. Still nothing.
I don’t want to scare you, but for at least half of our relationship it turns out he was cheating on me. Every girl he worked with, he hooked up with in some way. The last one, the one he said there was nothing going on with, even after admitting to the others, he was adamant about not being with this one… they are married now

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel my boyfriend isn't taking any steps to better our future: Advice?

wow …. where has the world gone bad. Quit giving him the milk until he buys the cow.

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Dump him, he’s wasting your time. He could have discussions more with you if wanting be together for future. Obviously, he’s not in same pages with you.

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Stop pushing him. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready. And if he isn’t living with you why would you expect him to help with your rent? That’s just weird.

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I would sit him down and have a real conversation with him. Ask him what he’s sees for your future if he thinks he wants to get more serious in the near future. If he says he isn’t ready or doesn’t know then thats your answer. If you are looking for a more serious relationship or to have one sooner rather than later maybe thats your sign to end things and find someone else.

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He’s clearly not ready, accept it or move on

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Seems like he doesn’t want to settle down.You and your friends have made numerous attempts to ask him about you guys living together and he just doesn’t really care.You can’t make someone wait to be with you…or should I say live with you.
Also your what 27…if you don’t want to start a family at 30…lol Um did you forget that your pregnant for almost a year…so if this guy doesn’t work out lol you best start moving on to find someone “family like”…

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Leave him for someone who’s 30

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You do realize that as a woman it is ok to end a relationship without explanation. This guy seems like he needs to grow tf up. Honey red flags are red flags. Just because you pretend they aren’t doesn’t change that fact. Listen to all these ladies. They are not wrong either.

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He’s just not that “in” to you. RUN

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Find a new man and don’t sleep with him till u got a ring on that finger. Make him work for you lol

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I think the best advice is to leave him. I’d write him a very well written break up letter explains you’re love for him but also your need for stability future etc all of this. If he isn’t the one he is going to let you go and also - stop wasting your time so you can have these things with the person your meant to because if it ain’t him it’s someone else - and otherwise it will make him fight for you and push him to move forward

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He seems like a nice guy. Sit down and talk to him. The moment the answers are ambiguous; dump him.

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Exactly what I was about to say… if he’s not offering kick him to the curb… because he won’t help with anything or kids if u have them… find someone that is interested in you, not what is provided

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Listen to the videos of Stephan Speaks and you will get the answer. You are essentially paying him to spend time with you.

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I was with someone 8 years couldn’t commit I’m 42 and have 2 not from him been married and divorcing not him. I stuck out on my own and made a family. My children are two and eight

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Not going to happen. Close the door

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Yeah. Move on. If you make a stink about it and he goes along with it, you’ll never know if he really wanted to settle down. There are guys out there that would rather be married.

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Same book, just not the same page.

I feel like its a huge red flag that your first mentioned concern is getting help with your rent. But looking past that, clearly he’s not ready and where you are at and so you should probably move on. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. You can can’t force him to be ready for all that just as much as he can’t force you to accept what he’s saying about it.

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Nope he is not interested in u

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Honestly he’s not ready I got with my partner 6 years ago we moved in together after 2 weeks, our connection and spark was crazy insane and we knew from the get go we wanted eachother in eachothers future, a year in you’d deffiantly be atleast thinking of these things if you aren’t yet living together.
If you want this I’d say there’s a man out there that wants the same but he really don’t sound like he’s ready to settle.

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In my mind you really haven’t been together long. I was with my ex for 6 years & I got tired of going to his parents house & not going out doing anything I was stable enough to move out I made arrangements he made me cancel them & after that it just made me depressed, he was lazy & take short cuts. Like a glass breaking in the night & he covered it with a towel & told me he took care of it. I was furious. Non the less you want to be with somebody who has there life together wants to go out do things. You need to speak from your mind & heart &decide what’s best for you. If you’re not happy there is never any point to stay. Rushing things with anybody will definitely slow them down if they’re not ready. It actually took me to leave my ex for him to completely flip his life around thinking that I would go back. But I found love elsewhere & have a beautiful son! Maybe he’ll be better for the next :woman_shrugging:

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Heis not interested.

move on now… sorry but I’ve seen this type of thing happen too often… it won’t change

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Don’t wait. He’s already not investing.

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A year isn’t forever for the wedding and baby talk but if he’s already there every night why not live together?? What a waste of money paying for two places.

Maybe His Wife Or Mommy Has Other Plans For Him…?

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Lol your buggn :rofl::rofl::rofl: a year isn’t shit, y’all JUST now REALLY getting to know each other, why you Gunna fuck it up with big ass questions like that? Do you and hold down the castle till he’s ready to be a part of it and of not then that’s fine, it only leaves the door open for the right person!!

Men usually know in around 3 months off they want to marry you or not… if not sooner for some… he’s not into you the way you are him. He’s not as serious.

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It sounds like you dont even love the dude, you’re just rushing for a marriage and children. Chill dude.

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When a guy is in love with you, he will move mountains to be with you. Sounds like he isn’t the one for you Hun. Cut your losses now and move on. The right one is around he corner

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A year is not long enough to move in together.

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I agree with Lauren Schmidt , if he’s there every night then he should live there, other than that chill out and enjoy the now, your still HELLA young!

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There could be a reason he isn’t in a rush to move in together he may of had a bad experience in the past. I know I’m not in any kind of rush to move-in with anyone in the future.
Ask him point blank what his concerns are but honestly I wouldn’t want to convince anyone to live with me regardless of how long I’ve been with them. If he doesn’t want to they’ll be someone out there that wants the same things you do. Tell him if he can’t provide you what you need in a relationship then it’s time to let it go. You set the tone for how he treats you… Let him know :slight_smile:

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Never rush in to living together, talking about marriage and kids. You’ve only been together a year. Take it day by day and don’t push the subject when he is ready to talk about it he will.

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Likely a user and/or a narcissist. Walk away!

If you want something that serious tell him so. If he’s not interested then it might be time to move on. Because it sounds like you’re in different stages of life.

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I’m sorry but it took my boyfriend two years to get me to move in with him. It’s not that I didn’t want to it’s just the simple fact I liked having my own space

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I don’t think he’s committed to u or want the same as u. He’s comfortable with u.

My now husband as good as moved into my house that I was renting after 5 weeks, another 4 months we bought a house together & 3 months later moved into it.

Relationship experts said a man knows within the first three months of dating if you’re the one they want to marry and settle down with. Not saying that you’re not worth it. You are. That’s just mean that he’s not that into you to invest his time, money etc with. Yeah, he see you in his future, but maybe his future after his future, if you’re still around. If you know what I mean. People say 1 year isn’t long enough, but I think 1 year is long enough for marriage and family talk. If you’re not dating to marry, then don’t waste people’s time. Just quickly end it if marriage isn’t on the table.

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But his words and actions are telling you, you are the one who does not want to understand, it is not that he is not ready, it is that you are not the woman with whom he wants to take that step, you are saying it, he is comfortable, he goes when wants without any commitment or effort, we cannot force anyone to do what they do not want, that is what dating is for, to get to know each other and if they still do not have goals or plans in common, the answer is in front of you but you do not want to see it , that is not the right person to start your family, the good news is that later there are many people.

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Over a year is certainly not a really long time

He’s not invested in you. If after a year he still isn’t ready to have these discussions then it’s time to move on.

Your wasting your time with him. He isn’t going to change, sadly guys do this while waiting for the “ right one” to come along

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Having too much expectation will lead to disappointment

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Seems like he’s using u. I’d cut out now. If he’s not feeling it and u want to start talking about future plans. I think ur wasting ur time. I know ur saying ur not being pushy but u kind of are. Forcing him into a conversation he doesn’t want to have isn’t gonna end well.

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He already answered you,It’s Important to listen,it’s convenient to stay at your place,you did’nt mention where he’s staying/living,and if he has a stable job,ready and able to make a commitment…you sound like your more mature,he may not be,you may want to date others,if your not on the same page in the relationship…Good Luck!!!

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We moved in together after a year . And married after 3 years. He asked me to move in together and to get married.

A better discussion would be about marriage instead of just living together and right now he is getting the privileges of a husband so why would he want to change anything?

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My now husband, he would stay over my house some and insisted on helping me with my bills. We moved in together officially after we got engaged and our money went together. He should want to help you if he is staying with you.

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Maybe he doesnt want the same things as you do.maybe he is happy with things exactly as they stand.dont waste too much of your life in a relationship that isnt going anywhere, and dont expect him to change in time.people rarely change.

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Read Dr Laura’s books. Should date for 2 years & watch for red flags

My ex husband would do and say things like that. He was a narcissist lying cheater. I honestly don’t think your bf is ready for commitment or fully committed to you. He likes having you as a side option, but not the main option. I would stop wasting your time with someone who isn’t committed to you and find someone who is.

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Not saying your ole but if he’s not ready fir what you are at this point he won’t be anytime soon. Living together is the first step after a year I’d think about moving in before a baby comes to see if you can live together

Girl, next time he wants to lay with you, telling to rent a room, just to be on the safe side. You need to go on with your precious life n go find someone that would love to marry. Things happen for a reason too. Remember that

Well honestly I would drop it. It’s better to wait anyways. Um I jumped into my first marriage quickly and that blew up in my face lol. I’m married again now. But honestly you don’t really know someone in a year. I totally get you want to start a family soon-ish and get serious. But trust me you want to do that when you’re both ready. If you rush him it could go very very badly. He could either become resentful for feeling pushed and he may end things due to that. Or if you’re very unlucky he’ll go with it because he’s scared to lose you and then later decide this is not what he wants and leave in the middle of planning a future or worse you’re already pregnant or something. I’m not trying to scare you but what I’m trying to communicate to you is things will go much better for you if you wait until you both are truly ready.

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I was with someone for 4 years and he was too afraid/ uncomfortable with talking about marriage and kids. We did move in together after 2 years, but still, marriage wasn’t an option til I caught him cheating and left and then he tried to bribe me with, “if you stay, I will put a huge rock on your finger” :roll_eyes:.

The man I’m with now, we were friends a few months then dated for 3 months, he asked me to move with him, as he was getting a promotion I’m a different state, 6 months later he asked me to marry him, 2 months later we got married (during covid ) then we got married again exactly 1 year later for everyone to celebrate with us.

I was divorced and single for YEARS and dated people that were never going to be ready, simply because we weren’t right for each other. I feel like it shouldn’t be that “scary” of a conversation if y’all both have mutual feelings and common thoughts/ goals for your future(s)

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he doesn’t live with you so why should he feel obligated to help pay rent or bills? he has his own place I assume and it’s very inappropriate for other people to put him on the spot especially in front of you regarding future living arrangements or relationship details/ plans . it is none of their business. truthfully a year isn’t that long of a relationship so maybe you shouldn’t rush things after just one year’s time. also maybe you should look on how free you are both of you right now. enjoy your time together but if you feel he’s taking advantage of staying at your place a lot then ask him to be your roommate and pay half the rent and utilities. you didn’t say if he brought you dinner sometimes or took you out to eat or things like buying you flowers or other gifts so if he actually does nice things for you then just enjoy the level you’re at now

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A man knows within six month’s if he wants to marry or not. If not, move on, at this point you’re basically sleeping with someone else’s husband.

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U are an INDEPENDENT WOMAN and he is comfortable with u doing everything , he just wants a free commintment lifestyle ,
Hence the Reason its a No No from now…
If he isnt helping u now then he wont do it if u all gets Married…
Do urself a Big Favour an kick him to the curve cause u dont want a marriage where a man isnt helping u Financially an then who knows he will give u few kids an then it will hard an for u to catch…
Let him GO !!!
HE IS NOT WORTHIT!!
Girl Find urself a Real man :heart:

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Dont waste any more time find a man ready mature and willing to have these conversations with you

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He’s saying he’s getting the goods and not having to pay for the goods. Kick him to the curb

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You should be able to say:
Look I am trying to figure out my 3 year, 5 year, and 10 year plans. I want to discuss what you think you’ll be doing.
Basically if you aren’t comfortable saying that, you have your answer.
If he ignores your request (even though you set aside time to discuss it), you have your answer.

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He isn’t ready and he is only comfortable being there because he doesn’t have any responsibilities. I’d say get out now why you still can. It will only get worse

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Mate wants his cake and eat it too

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Move on! You will find the right person but not if you are wasting your time with someone not ready for any type of commitment!

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He is possibly not the one for you.

It’s only been a year… he seems to like to take his time with things. We can’t expect people to do the things we want them too do. It just creates arguments and friction. Either let him take this in his own time or move on and find someone who has the same drive as you :grin:

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Don’t waste your time. Mr Right is out there. After a yr. he knows what he’s doing. It will be hard but harder the longer you wait🌹

Ur wasting ur time. He’s not going to commit. He’s got it all now or at least all he eants.

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You are trying to rush things and you are trying to make something happen. A year is not that long and your boyfriend is not interested or not ready to get married. If you don’t want to continue on it is ok to move on and try to find someone who does want to get married.

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Let him go. It’s obvious he’s not willing to discuss.

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Is he living at home rent free… if he lived with you he’s pay bills… :woman_shrugging:t2:

Maybe ask him what he wants in his future, does he want to have a family one day and how he sees his life in the future?
You know what you want, we all want different things as individuals.
Putting yourself in his plans make it a whole different question.

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You are 27 you should be dating to marry not just hanging out with someone wasting time unless you are not someone who wants those things and that’s just what it sounds like. He likely doesn’t want those things in life but doesn’t want to be alone either. You’re to old to play house it’s time to have those conversations so you do know if your wants and needs align not in a few more years when real time has been wasted :woman_shrugging:

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I’m sorry, but to me it sounds like you are pushing it a bit. How long had y’all known each other before getting into a relationship?Having a family and marriage, let alone living together are BIG commitments and for some people, a year is not long enough - if he is that hesitant, then it’s obvious that he just may not be ready. The more you push, the more you’re pushing him away and him straying from the ideas of living together, marriage, and kids with you. If you are in that much of a rush and worried about marriage and kids, then it may be better in your favor to move on and find someone else.

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So if your ready to live together means he should be ready too? Maybe he wants to get married and then move in together. Believe it or not whether its 1950 or 2021, some people don’t want to live together before married. Big difference a sleep over here and there vs 24/7. Just my opinion. What if it was other way around, and he wanted to have you move in, but you were not ready for that step?

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Look for a new love, have you heard the saying, why buy a cow when you can get the milk free, your self sufficient but he’s a free loader, no commitment, get it? Only is worried about himself

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Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free

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“He’s just not that into you”

The way this is written, I feel like you just want someone to split finances with. Twice you mentioned rent.

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He is not ready to commit and he probably won’t be for a long time. You deserve someone who can’t wait to start their life with you and their family with you. Move along and find that man who utterly loves you

Why should he help pay your rent if he doesn’t live with you

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Red flags are flying high hate to hurt your happiness but hes not the one

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I just wasted 5yrs on someone like this one day, dedicated the next, ghost the next. It’s a cycle. It wont change. Then he went off and made a new life w the side ho. Let it go.

You are rushing you have a timeline already you want kids before 30 he might feel your trying to trap him. It doesn’t hurt to ask how he feels about the idea of marriage and kids and what’s a good time frame before living together. But I wouldn’t just move in with someone after only a yr

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You are pushing him, stop!. It’s clear you’re not on the same page, and to be fair it’s been a year your age doesn’t matter. If you want something quicker then you’ll need to go find it. If not give it another year?!.

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How old is he ? If he doesn’t see a future idk why u still with him

Relationships are like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably…

Don’t push him into making decisions. If he moves forward when he’s not ready you’ll both end up regretting it. Just decide what’s right for you, whether it’s waiting or moving on.

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I ended things with my ex of 3.5yrs due to him assuring me he wanted kids, marriage, and all of that, but was clear he only said it to shut me up, so I left before I got too much older, turns out he wanted to live his 20/30s partying and enjoying life with no responsibility, but didn’t want to be alone, been 10 years since then, and hes still out partying, and hes over 50 now.

Don’t be with a man just to meet a timeline. Finding the right man is more important. He doesn’t seem like he’s the right one.

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So you like him enough to wait? If your answer is no, then cut it off now because your clock I’ll just keep ticking louder and louder

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Quit letting him stay over… tell him you want a commitment

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This is why you don’t have sex with a man and create a strong emotional bond when you don’t even know if you’re on the same page of life. People rush, then they regret it.

You’ve literally only been together a year. If my husband had been trying to push marriage and having babies and moving in together on me after only a year together, I would have run for the hills. A year is nothing. You don’t even really know each other yet. Instead of putting your life on a timeline, let things happen naturally. Let him decide when he’s ready to begin thinking about taking things to the next level. It took my husband 2 years to get me to agree to marry him. , and another 2 before I actually did. We never lived together until we got married, because that was my choice. I didn’t want to just shack up with him. So we were together for 4 years before we married and moved in together. Taking your time doesn’t mean you don’t see a future. It means you want to make sure you do everything right.

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Too many comments saying that she’s trying to “rush” things.
The way I read this is she’s just trying to have the conversation with him about their future.
After a year of dating, I don’t think a conversation is asking too much.

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