I have a stepson who is 14 years old and recently found out he dresses in female clothing. Well, today, I was cleaning and found his dildo and lube. I am not against gay people. People are who they are, and it does not bother me at all… What does bother me is that he is 14 years old and is sexually active with the toys that I found. If it was a female and she was doing these things, it would be completely different as he has a sister that is 16 years old. If she was sexually active, she would get the talk and everything else. With the 14-year-old, everybody is just like he is going through a phase, or they just brush it off (his grandmother, whom he is close with, and his dad). I think he is way too young for all of this. So I guess my question is: what would you all do in this situation?
It’s better to use toys than to be out there really having sex.
No he’s not too young for all this…and leave his toys alone. It also doesn’t matter what he dresses in. Even though you say you don’t have a problem with this…I think you do. He isn’t hurting you or anyone else and he isn’t throwing his dildo around in your face.
Stop snooping.
Stop going thru his stuff!!!
14 isn’t too young at all and get out of their stuff.
Gender is a social construct, who cares what they wear.
Not your child, not your place. Especially if the father and grandmother don’t seem concerned. FYI, most kids you think aren’t sexually active, are.
Let him experiment! If he’s only using toys-at least he’s doing it this way🤷🏼♀️
Chances are he already knows who he is.
Sit down, have a discussion about being safe. He shouldn’t be afraid to talk to you about this. As parents etc we should support who our children are in this aspect whether we agree or not. 
You should worry bout you self.
Leave him alone. It’s not different for a boy to be doing this than it would be for a girl. If you are not prepared to have a sex talk with him, then have his father do it. You don’t need to cater your talk to the sexual things he might be exploring on his own. Tell him about safe sex.
So you have a problem with a 14 year old masturbating? I feel like that’s a very common. thing. If his parent isn’t concerned then who are you to be judging him and post about it?
Not your child. Not your place. His stuff is his, he deserves privacy. He deserves the right to choose and or experiment however he choose to.
Did you just say it’s ok for your 16yo female to use a toy but not the 14yo male? 
leave the boy to his own
Don’t say anything to him or anyone. Thats his privacy don’t embarrass him.
My son came out to me at 14 embrace him he needs all the love he can get. This need to be approached with love lots of it.
Why is it ok for his sister to have toys, but not him? He’s exploring himself, leave him be.
Mind my own business, is what I would do in this situation!!! What are you doing snooping through his personal space??? Get a lifw
can i file for divorce on someone else’s behalf 
If he feels safe he will open up to you.
Something tells me he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you.
I work on yourself and being more accepting of your child.
If his biological parents have no issue than you also should leave it alone
He’s fine. Leave him alone
Could talk about safe use, washing and sanitizing of toys with him.
Otherwise I’d just leave it alone, let him be him
I think 14 is enough to know some of what you want to do with your life I wouldn’t bother him about it I would just let it go if he wants to talk to you about it he will but for now I would just wait besides that he’s old enough that if you say something about it it’s going to upset him and he’s not going to take listen to you anyway he’ll get through this either he’ll stay that way or he’ll change either way you should be supportive of what he does
Maybe have the safe sex talk with him. Otherwise mind your business.
My view is as long as he is not having sex with others, I would be okay with this. Fourteen is too young for intercourse, but not for experimentation and exploring.
His father or mother should talk to him, and by I talk I mean just that. Don’t shame him. If you shame him he will never be comfortable with sex and that could cause so many problems down the road.
Let his father deal with it… You are invading his privacy because I’m sure it wasn’t layed out in plain view…
Just keep on going like you didn’t see anything
Masterbating is completely normal. Don’t make him feel shameful. Plus you were snooping through his stuff. If my parents ever found my dido I’d be pissed
16 year old female doing this is different than a 14 year old Male? Him experimenting is no different than a female experimenting. He is also your stepson so you really dont have a say if both parents are active.
I would say not your business…But in Turn I hope someone has had the talk with him…Aids and Sexually Transmitted Diseases are a big thing to worry about…
Put it back and act like didnt see anything.
Why is it so shocking to you he is 14? Let him be. Don’t shame him. He’s probably just trying to figure out who he is.
I mean I see no difference between him or his sister…that being said, a conversation about safety and proper sexual hygiene when it comes to toys seems like a necessity. Just be easy and loving, explain you just want to make sure they are being used in a clean healthy way.
I would rather him have toys then go out and possibly catch an STD at the age of 14. Talk to him, people who are gay usually find out at an early age. Don’t shame him, but I would go over proper washing of the toys and make sure he’s okay and safe.
Honestly, if that were ME… I would just act like I never saw anything and be supportive when the time comes that he feels comfortable enough to talk about it with you or even his sister.
Hell, even offer to do his makeup or take him shopping for clothes when he does open up more about it!
Mom and Dad should have a talk with him about sex and safe sex and also safe cleaning of toys too. I was sexually active at 14, most of my friends were sexually active before I was. So I mean… I would just want him being safe more than anything.
Personally I would have a talk with him to make sure he’s safe, n let him be who he is.
Who in the world got the toy for him? It is illegal to sell this stuff to anyone under 18.
This isn’t ok. Kids shouldn’t be sexually active.
Just be sure his dad knows and he is properly informed of all the things that go along with being sexually active (STDs and all)
I don’t understand how you think 16 is any different. Like who coined 16 the magic number! Just because some states have 16 as legal age of consent doesn’t mean as parents we have to agree to allow our children to be sexually active at that age. But to the main point, if you didn’t have an issue with his sexuality you wouldn’t have brought up the fact that he dresses in women’s cloths, like wtf does that even matter. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my 14 yr old son having sex or using toys nor would I like it if my 16 daughter did the same HOWEVER I understand these are ages where sexuality kicks in, hormones are raging and if all they’re doing is safe at home then I’d feel way better about that. He needs to have the talk, leave it to his father to do so.
Why would it be different for a girl but it’s different for a boy? You just totally contradicted yourself when you said you have no problem with gay people, they are who they are. Your stepson is who he is. That’s his business and who he is. He’s not too young. I knew is liked women and men both, when I was alot younger than him. You obviously have a problem with him being gay or else you wouldn’t be saying it would be different if it was a girl. Have a talk with him about safe sex, let him know that it’s okay to be who he is, and leave it at that. Also, quit going threw his things. Once you do that, all trust is gone. I would rather my kids come to me and have trust in me, than to not have trust and end up in a horrible situation. At the end of the day, he is who he is. He needs support and not people telling him it’s just a phase. Let him be him.
Just let him be, they might think you just stirring up cause you step mommy
Just let him know that you’re available to talk to about anything. Also the 16 year old. Don’t wait for them to become sexually active without education. Open communication.
Omg you guys are so desperate to be politically correct, you’re missing important things. Firstly, it is her business. She’s married into the family, he is her ‘extra’ child and surely loves him or wouldn’t be asking about this. You could try talking to his Mother and Father again about what you found, maybe as part of his family you can discuss your concerns with your husband. 14 is young to have SEX TOYS when you cant even buy them in a store, and have to be 18. And yes, he will experiment as we all did whether you give him permission, snoop or not. So I’d be more concerned with him just being aware of how to be safe and protect himself physically and mentally along the way. And also who is giving a 14 y/o child a sex toy?
He’s 14. That’s the normal age kids start experiencing. It’s totally up to his dad and not you. Do not make this kid feel ashamed. This may cause permanent damage
I’m gonna sound like a raging bitch here but that’s not the intent.
Why is it ok if 16yr old girl is doing the same thing? Why doesn’t this 14yr old boy get a talk? If he dresses in women’s clothing, who does that hurt? Why is him being sexually active ALONE an issue? If you’re that concerned then maybe have a talk with him about safe sex, HIV, etc. the same talk you would with a girl at that age. If at 14 there hasn’t been a talk there’s a problem. If he hasn’t come out to anyone and you force him out or out him yourself then he will hate you and it will scar him for life. If it’s ok that he has gay preferences then why is this even a post? Why is he too young but the sister isn’t? She’s the one who can end up pregnant.
If his biological parents have no issues then leave that boy alone. If you’re not going to be supportive or constructive then drop it until you can be.
I’m just confused how it would be different for the 16 yr old vs the 14 yr old. It’s 2 years that’s not really much of a difference 
Educate your child in safe sex practices!
It shouldn’t be any different if he was a girl,That’s what’s wrong with the world now putting everyone into stereotypes…He should get the talk to,But that’s my opinion…To me 14 is old enough to know what ur sexuality is,It’s not a phase…His parent’s should be the one having the talk with him not a step parent unless he reaches out to u
Talk to dad and leave that up to dad. You should give ur step children their privacy. I do not nor I have o ever gone through my kids rooms. It is their responsibility to clean it. He is at that age to experiment and figure things out, but he needs to do this in a safe way. Obviously you don’t want to embarrass him and make him feel or have issues with sex for his future. So like I said I would tell dad and have dad just have ‘the talk’ with him. Also respect boundaries. It goes a long way. When they truly need u they will come to you.
Firstly make sure it’s his stuff and not his sisters lol
You can literally give him the talk and support him. Its not different just because he’s a boy, quit being sexist.
I mean, toddlers masturbate, so I don’t see it as a big deal. They (your child) are learning about their body and what feels good to them. I’d rather my child rub one out in a way that they enjoy than find a partner and engage in risky, potentially non-consensual behaviors while trying to find out what they like.
ok so at least he’s using proper toys and lube and not something harmful to himself tell him he probably should find a better place to put personal items like that because that’s not something everyone needs to find. Hes 14 most kids start being active with themselves at that age its all normal
So a couple weeks ago I was switching accounts on the computer for my 11 year old to her school account, I got a glimpse of what was on her personal account and it’s these little stories and comics she reads as I scanned across the screen I saw words like THRUSTING and COCK. Guess what I have done about it…absolutely nothing, I’m not about to ruin the relationship I have with her, she already came out and told me she likes girls about a year ago. Everyone deserves privacy and respect, if you have a strong foundation with your children they should already know that they can talk to you about anything when they are ready. And how dare you for asking this in a public FB group. I really hope you don’t bring it up to YOUR CHILD, because even if they are not biologically yours you should be supportive no matter what, they did not choose for you to be in their lives.
Male or female there is no difference. Do not belittle make them feel ashamed or embarrassed etc I personally would not even approach them about it. Maybe leave a couple safe sex books around the house lol
She’s asking for advice people. Like it would make sense to have the safe sex talk with him. What if he’s on dating websites trying to meet up with a guy? It has to be from someone he trust and knows they are just worried about him, not judging him. And also make him feel like he’s accepted and loved. Hes only 14, thats still young and he’s obviously curious about being with a guy.
I was 14. But be glad he’s being SAFE instead of not. Be talk to him. Just be comfortable and let him open up.
Your house your rules. It’s that simple. You pay the bills not the child. They can do what they want when they are grown and paying for there own house until then it’s your rules. I’d be discussing how to handle it with his dad. All these parents saying your in the wrong for snooping are crazy. IT IS YOUR HOME AND WHAT GOES ON IT IS DEFINITELY YOUR BUSINESS.
Leave him alone.
He’s not your kid so have his dad give him the safe sex talk.
Otherwise just let him be him. Who cares what he wants to wear
Why would it be different if it were a female? If I were put in that position, I would firstly let him know that in no way shape or form I was upset nor was judging him, that I’m not attacking him. I’d sit him down and talk with him about what was found, and also ask if he is currently sexual with anyone; have the ‘safe sex’ talk with him. Help educate him, as well as talk with him about picking his partners wisely if/when he does decide to become sexually active with other people. Truthfully, if he told me that he wasn’t active with others, I would feel better knowing that he is being active with himself privately than the opposite - same if it were a female. But I would pray that if he is active with others, that he is being safe all around.
I think y’all are missing the point. It’s not that’s she’s condoning her 16 year old girl in having sex. It’s the fact everyone talks about it but with the boy it’s oh he’s going through a phase… my first worry would be is if he’s having relations with an older adult because he’s 14 and has a sex toy that he isn’t legally able to buy himself… if no one wants to have this conversation with him. Then I would. I would sit him down and discuss how to use safe sex practices and he has nothing to be ashamed of and if he has any questions your door is always opened.
Discuss safe sex and how stds can occur. And let him know home is a safe place and he can talk to you.
I know that if you are coming forward with that it’s because you care… Not because he is your step son but because he is only 14 and a 14 years old is still very young for sex… Unfortunately for you it’s up to his mum or dad to have the " ultimate talk" with him and guide him through the path he wants to follow… But the fact that you mentioned that you clean his room means that you are close enough to him to give a friendly advice or to have a friendly briefing with your hubby about the subject. In any case stop stressing yourself
Tell him how to clean his toys and leave it at that… don’t go into detail about anything but make sure he is being safe. And dirty toys are gross. He is 14, not 10.
Wait so the daughter can have sex toys because they follow the heterosexual lifestyle?
But the son can’t have sex toys because it’s a homosexual lifestyle?
Am I following this correctly??
Because don’t say you have no problem with gay people but then judge him on what he finds pleasurable.
Anyone who thinks this is too young REALLY needs to open up to today’s time and understand majority of teens are sexually active at this age. Education is necessary on these topics.
Make sure your child knows he is loved. Educate him completely on consent so he doesn’t experience sexual abuse. Educate him how to protect his health so he’s practicing safe sex. And act like you never saw the sex toy. That’s an invasion of privacy and outing It may increase his hiding of these activities and lifestyle.
So? Maybe he likes wearing women’s clothing. Maybe he’s trying to discover himself. Simply ask why he dresses that way without embarrassing him.
The sex toys, try talking to him about that.
Definitely needs the safe sex talk… and for him probably going to need someone who understands he sexual preferences because anyone else is not going to understand… but needs to know how to practice safe sex and relationships.
I think the only thing that I am concerned about is how he came to own the sex toy. He would have either had to have an older person purchase it for him, fake his age, or shoplift it. I’m concerned about grooming happening from said older person and/or legal ramifications of shoplifting. Id also ensure that proper toy care is happening so that infections are avoided. I think it is an icky conversation to have not because of homosexuality but because no one wants to talk about masturbating with their kids, it’s awkward. I will also say I don’t think there’s a huge difference between masturbating from 
stimulation vs 
stimulation.
Lol these comments are unreal. If she still cleans his room she has every right to ask this question. And if shes supposed to butt out of it maybe the kid, dad or grandma should be the ones to come clean the room. Being concerned about the kid having the proper education about “sex” makes her homophobic or nosy? Lol she feels that she would have this talk with her child, why not with the step child? And if it’s not her place the dad should step up…I think people are being naive and annoying in this thread. y’all think he’s experimenting so he should be left alone. Who says it’s just experimenting? And he’s 14 he got the sex toys somewhere…it’s important to not brush stuff under the rug. Having a talk isnt crossing a line and probably should happen.
How do you know he’s being active with the toy? It could just be using it for practice, like how to give head or something idk lmao. I wouldn’t look too deep into it. Just calmly tell him you were cleaning and came across somethings and support him but it would be better if he told you what is going on so you can support him the correct way.
Mind your business and be glad he’s being safe. Not saying you shouldn’t worry about him, but if you didn’t “find out” directly from him you really shouldn’t be approaching him about it. There were kids already having sex in my school system as early as 6th grade, and I’ve been out of school for over a decade now.
Woah. Wouldn’t have a clue how to broach this one. Teen years are hell enough as it is. I’d be having conversations around hearts not parts type stuff so he knows I’m behind him 100 percent. Open up a conversation. Make sure he knows how to keep himself safe. Open and honest communication is what’s needed.
Ask in that parent group (with Cath Hakanson)
Questions like this are not abnormal to pop up in there.
This is not a uncommon situation.
He needs to feel safe with you & free from any judgment.
To the people saying “he’s not your kid” how incredibly rude and vile of you. She’s LOOKING OUT FOR HIM. Biologically her child or not she’s a part of his life and is genuinely concerned for him. You should be ashamed of yourself for coming on here and telling her that’s not her child.
I’d let the dad handle this one
I also have a 14 year step son and he addicted to porn, and we found a dildo in his room when he was 12. He has stolen my underwear, his deceased mothers clothing too. Recently he stole MY vibrator. I was not snooping. However, when he was 12 we found the “toy” by accident in his dresser by putting his clothes away. His porn addiction was so bad that he has stolen numerous phones, hacked our WiFi, and has even found a way to watch porn on YouTube through his school computer and our TV. We first took the approach of, “it’s experimenting”…then we realized it’s bad. He’s been on digital detox for a year and a half. He has no video games, no cell phone that has internet, no access to the tv anymore, and we’ve had him write us a paper on the effects of pornography. I agree with the no shame, but you need to correctly educate him. Make sure he is safe, have him talk to someone (therapist) open and honestly about this. The other thing; we always know when our son is engaging in “something” because he gets a real crappy attitude! Good luck. I hope that helps
It’s not any different male or female. He needs to have the talk about sex. Safe sex! You can get a lot of sexually transmitted diseases not just pregnant. 14 is young which is why he needs your acceptance and to feel safe talking to you. Using toys is perfectly normal and a safe alternative to sex with another person. Teach about privacy, hygiene (cleaning the toys) and to come to you when he is thinking of having sex with a male or female. People have sex at 14. So if he is experimenting then he is old enough to be talked to directly.
I’d have a problem with my 14 year old of either sex having sex toys. Where did he get it? Who showed him how to use it? Serious issues with the situation
Educate him on proper care and safe practices
Just because he wears female clothes doesnt then follow that hes gay, he is who he is, id back off, youll only embarrass him badly if you have the ‘talk’ with him xxx
Dad says he doesn’t care. That settles it, it is his son. Not to mention, you will probably scar this poor kid, if as a step-mother you try talking to him about it. Leave him be, it is normal for teenagers to sexually explore themselves and their desires. He is doing nothing wrong and you making a big deal out of it, will make him feel like sex is wrong. As far as him wearing “female clothes”, let him. Support his choices and don’t make him feel like is wrong for that.
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What he wears is not relevant to the discussion. Clothing has nothing to do with a person’s sexuality.
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Why does his age make him less deserving of the talk than his sister? All 14 year olds should already have had these things discussed with them. Talk to him about safe sex, and do not assume his sexuality in that discussion unless he has specifically said what his sexuality is.
sounding normal exploration, easy to get toys from Spencer’s.
It’s not any different… if he’s using dildos I assure you it’s not a phase… have the talk but otherwise leave him alone.
Stop kidding yourself that he’s too young start having conversation before it’s too late
Just be happy hes a Male and dildos dont carry STDs. So no babies or diseases, sounds like a winner to me.
Also if he is gay and sexually active, he wont get someone else pregnant. So count your blessings, give him the talk, then leave him alone.
It sounds like you are trying to force him out of the closet.
How does a 14 year old even get a dildo?! I couldnt even get a Playboy at 14
Uh, Sex toys can be ordered off Amazon without a second though or legal waiver. What even. Teenagers are curious and they masterbate. Welcome to life. He’s exploring his gender, sexuality, whatever, and at that age it is beyond normal. Education and communication should be WAY higher up your ladder than judgement and persecution. It’s a dildo, who cares. Worry about teaching him consent, self respect and sexual safety rather than humiliating him. Lord knows life is hard and stressful enough as a teen, nevernind during a pandemic. Good on him for finding some pleasure in it. 
Porn is free and on every phone. Thats probably where he’s looking to try to figure out who he is.
You need to stop comparing the two…its 2 separate situations first off… second its perfectly normal to experiment with themselves. But someone does need to have an informative conversation with him about sexual health and wellness, safe sex practices and how to properly clean and store his toys, about online dangers and older influences
His clothes is not relevant. Using toys does not make you sexually active. What I’m more concerned about is you blatantly saying that if he was a girl it wouldn’t be a problem. So why is it a problem just because he is a boy? And why are you going through his things to begin with? I highly doubt he left them somewhere that you would find them by just cleaning and not snooping.
Leave him alone, he will ask if he has questions. Don’t make a fuss or hint in any way that you know. Stop asking others for their opinion when he’s the only one who should be asking questions if he has any. Stay out of his room he’s old enough to clean it himself. No need to go rummaging through his things. If his dad’s concerned he will do the talking. Leave the kiddo alone.
talk to your husband. It’s his child and I do think his father should sit down and have a gentle talk with him.
He’s not too young.
Give him the talk.
HIS father is fine with it soooooooo he is probably aware of the effects shaming would have on him…
He needs a talk about safe sex. No different than a female. Make sure he knows how to clean and store his toys. TEACH HIM BUT DO NOT BE RUDE ABOUT IT. Hes 14, he’s at the age he will know.
Honestly, I would tell him what you found and tell him you’re not mad or upset, but educate him about cleanliness about the toys, and if he ever wants to talk you’re always there for him.