QUESTION:
"I gave up a child when I was 18 thru an adoption agency to a couple who couldn't have children. It was an open adoption (with rules!) Every letter/picture went thru the agency. No last names or addresses were given to either party. I asked for pictures twice..once at a year old & once at 7, only because I didn't want to feel I was intruding on "their" new family. Around 11, I asked again. I never received anything. I waited two years and contacted the adoption agency only to find out it was no longer in business. I emailed the owner of it, and he stated he just tried to get in contact with them, but all the contact info was no longer working. She turned 18 last week. I contacted the owner again, asking since she was of age now, he could give me a little knowledge of just her name. I wanted to find her and reach out. A few hours later, he emailed me stating he found them and would send me pictures and a letter via email as soon as they sent it to him. BINGO! I did receive that email, which was wonderfully written by her adopted mother, and an attached picture from her graduation! Little do they realize the school info was on her diploma! With a little research, I found her name, her Facebook, her adopted mom's Facebook, Instagram & even tik tok! I want to reach out to my birth daughter but don't know if I should be kind and message her adoptive mother first or message my birth daughter! What would you do?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
"I just want to say thank you for your selfless gift to give your beautiful child to a loving home! I can’t imagine how hard that was for you. I would definitely reach out to the mom. If it were me I would write the mom a heartfelt note thanking her for raising your child and ask her if it would be ok to reach out to them and meet face to face with ALL of them. That way if they hadn’t told the daughter that she wasn’t adopted that they could communicate that with her. That way she isn’t just thrown a huge life changing event in her face. That could be traumatizing to her. Also you could meet the parents who raised your child as well. I hope it goes in your favor and it’s a happy reunion! Please give an update!!"
"I'm adopted as well, your best contacting your daughters mum first incase they haven't mentioned that she's adopted… better to be safe than sorry. Fingers crossed you get to have contact with her soon."
"Some parents dont tell their kids that they are adopted. I would really urge you to go through the mom. Its not your place to tell her she is adopted."
"As an adopted child I recommend you contact adopted mother. I tracked my birth mother down, but I felt more secure with my adopted mom in the middle. There are a lot of emotions involved and you need to give the woman who has raised her the respect due and allow her to protect the child as she has been doing. If you contact daughter based on information you got from diploma in photo, I’d think you were nuts and I wouldn’t be receptive. Remember this child doesn’t know you. Allow her security above your desires."
"It’s awesome that you want to get to know her and her know you, but please go through the mom/parents first - your birth daughter may not know she is adopted and if you were to message telling her how you are her biological mother, she will feel like her world is crashing around her and think what else was a lie, etc - I am sure she will be confused and hurt. Who knows, if she truly does not know that she was adopted, the other mother may want to be the one to tell her since she had raised her and if that is the case, the ball will be in her court of whether or not she wants to meet you and get to know you. . I realize she is of age but be considerate and have more respect for her and her adoptive mother by reaching out to the mom first."
"From experience, I'm very lucky to have an extremely open adoption (kids are still young) regardless of age, you gotta follow the adoptive parents lead. So you should really message the parents first and go from there, the 18 year old may not even know they were adopted or if they do. They may not want / not ready for contact from you."
"If I were you, instead of reaching out through social media and possibly risk the family cutting you off, email the same person from the adoption agency and ask them to email the family asking if they will give you their email address and start by emailing them personally yourself."
"Go through her mom. She may not know she’s adopted or may not want to know you just yet. Her mom can let her daughter know about you and that you want to contact her and let her make the decision. That way she doesn’t feel pressured."
"I would contact her mom and ask her if it wise to contact her daughter at this time. She might not be ready to meet you. 18 is still very young. She’s at that time in her life where she’s figuring out who she is and what she wants. I would send the mom a letter. If contact is okay, then send a letter to the daughter. A letter will allow her space and grace to process everything. Let her know it’s her choice to reach out back to you. Be patient. I met my biological parent when I was 25. It was very overwhelming."
"As an adoptive mom, I would want you to contact me first."
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