I gave up a child when I was 18 thru an adoption agency to a couple who couldn’t have children. It was an open adoption (with rules!) Every letter/picture went thru the agency. No last names or addresses were given to either party. I asked for pictures twice…once at a year old & once at 7, only because I didn’t want to feel I was intruding on “their” new family. Around 11, I asked again. I never received anything. I waited two years and contacted the adoption agency only to find out it was no longer in business. I emailed the owner of it, and he stated he just tried to get in contact with them, but all the contact info was no longer working. She turned 18 last week. I contacted the owner again, asking since she was of age now, he could give me a little knowledge of just her name. I wanted to find her and reach out. A few hours later, he emailed me stating he found them and would send me pictures and a letter via email as soon as they sent it to him. BINGO! I did receive that email, which was wonderfully written by her adopted mother, and an attached picture from her graduation! Little do they realize the school info was on her diploma! With a little research, I found her name, her Facebook, her adopted mom’s Facebook, Instagram & even tik tok! I want to reach out to my birth daughter but don’t know if I should be kind and message her adoptive mother first or message my birth daughter! What would you do?
100% contact the adoptive mom first. She seems pretty understanding sending emails & pics and I think the suggestion may be nicer coming from her. Also it may seem a bit weird that you’ve looked into the pic and got her school then found her social media. Could be a red flag.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I want to reach out to the child I gave up for adoption: Should I contact her adoptive mom first?
She is an adult now, given the situation… I’d leave that choice up to her. She’s not a child anymore. I would however thank the woman for raising her, and let her know that you did indeed reach out to her as a sign of respect. Best of luck
I mean do you happen to know if they ever told her she was adopted? Because what if they haven’t told her and then you were to message her and break her heart by telling her something that her adopted parents should tell her.
Reach out to her mom first. Your daughter may not know, or may not have interest in knowing you.
Always go through the mum first. This girl might not know she’s been adopted. She might be more than willing to allow you guys to meet 
best of luck
Go through her mom. She may not know she’s adopted or may not want to know you just yet. Her mom can let her daughter know about you and that you want to contact her and let her make the decision. That way she doesn’t feel pressured
Mom 1st, it’s the respectful thing to do.
Coming from somebody who didn’t know they was adopted till I was 18, I found out on my own and it was really painful, I personally would not just message the daughter unless she already knows she’s adopted because it can be a really confusing and crushing feeling, although I have nothing to do with my birth family because they are a bad bunch I still think of my foster family as my bio family because they raised me and loved me when they didn’t have to, but I definitely wouldn’t just intrude without permission first just for that family’s sake
Find Birth Parents, Siblings, Adoptees and Family. This group is Wonderful!
Definitely mum first 
she knows her daughter and will know if she is able to handle such a massive thing in her life at this moment in time. Anything could be going on with her and it might be too much for her
It seems like the adoptive mom is being cooperative, so i would reach out to her first.
They may have never felt the need to tell her shes adopted… Amoung many other things.
Yes, she is of age now & an adult, but out of respect for her feelings. ( like if they never told her) & for her parents as well.
I’m going thru the exact same situation except my girls are only 13 and 15. And the agency won’t help me at all. Saying the info for the adoptive parents is not correct anymore.
The adoptive mum sounds pretty amazing so i would go through her first and take time to thank her mayve ask some questions about what is ur daughter like what’s she into ect build a little relationship that way first then explain how u feel and take it from there
Well it depends on what was the reason why you opted her to be adopted anyway? I mean, if I were the child, I won’t be happy if you would come to me after all these years to tell me I am adopted believing I am not. Or might as well, contact the parents first. Then let the parents decide whether or not to tell the child about you.
Contact mom first, simply out of respect. Yes she’s of age but what if she doesn’t know she’s adopted ? Imagine the confusion of " wtf is going on" get in contact with the “adoptive parents first and ask them this question . How to approach and start a bond with your bio daughter” just because you birthed her doesn’t make it okay to just pop up out of no where. Ask the parents first. If they were nice enough to send pictures of her graduation etc I’m pretty sure they’ll be open to the idea of you meeting their daughter ( your bio daughter)
Give mom a courtesy notice prior to reaching out to her daughter that way its not being thrown on the daughter alone
After 18 years, why? What are your reasons? To say hi? To be part of her life? Are you doing it for you? Or her?
I would reach out to the mom. While this person is now 18, you are trying to reach out and say you’re her mom. You arent her mom. You gave up the right to call yourself that and passed the title to another woman. You are not just disrupting her daughters life but their family dynamic. You willingly put her up, you need to graciously enter back in, only if thats what the daughter wants, after her mother has had a chance to explain whatever and talk with her about it all.
My advice, you communicate with her adopted parents first and take it from there.
Definitely don’t contact the daughter. There was no reason to start looking up all her info from seeing her diploma. The mom sent that as a courtesy not as a way to snoop.
My biological mother told me when I was five… there was an agreement between her and my adopted mom to tell me during my teenage years when I could handle it and understand it better. It caused a lot of hurt and turmoil between the three of us for a long time when she overstepped. I would have been happier never knowing. Contact the mother, and respect her wishes if she doesn’t want you to reach out.
That was incredibly brave and selfless of you. Seems like her mom is still very grateful. I would talk to her parents and make a plan.
Go back through the owner of the company and write a letter with all your information on it in case they ever need too get in touch with you or if they ever feel the need too contact you… watch and pray for her from where you are now. Even though your ready it doesn’t mean she is…
Not everyone wants to connect. I have no desire to reach out to birth parents. My parents are the ones that raised me.
Contact her mother first. And stop calling her the adoptive mother. Thats the woman that raised her, loved her and wanted her. thats her mother. Full stop. Dont make contact with the girl, she may not even know!!!
Who are you doing this for you or her ? I totally understand your want and curiosity but is it the best thing for her ?? Definitely contact her adoptive mum first as she has held the fort for you and deserves a little heads up . Some people have no want to know and sadly you would have to respect that too 
good luck I hope you get what your looking for though !
Leave her alone.
You gave her up for a reason. Don’t f her life up now.
Out of respect I would contact the mother first. 18 or not that’s still her baby 
my oldest will be 18 in August and I still consider her my baby even though she already has a 1 year old daughter. If the mom doesn’t respond then try your daughter
Go through the adoptive parents first and let them know that you want to get to know your daughter.
I think you should let it be if she wants to talk or meet you let her contact you because she will if she wants too there is a good chance she will find you
And I’m really sorry that people in these comments are very rude and hateful if you haven’t watch Teen Mom check out Catelynn and Tyler for instance they gave up their baby because they knew that they weren’t in the proper place in their life to care for that child just because you gave your child up for adoption doesn’t mean that you don’t love them and haven’t left them their whole life you just knew it wasn’t in your best interest for the child’s best interest for you to be able to care for her I definitely respect your decision for giving life to a girl who’s obviously very successful I do recommend going through her mother first because she may not even know that she was adopted but I do have a lot of respect for you to be able to have the heart and the courage to give your child up for adoption to a family that needs her
I just want to say thank you for your selfless gift to give your beautiful child to a loving home! I can’t imagine how hard that was for you. I would definitely reach out to the mom. If it were me I would write the mom a heartfelt note thanking her for raising your child and ask her if it would be ok to reach out to them and meet face to face with ALL of them. That way if they hadn’t told the daughter that she wasn’t adopted that they could communicate that with her. That way she isn’t just thrown a huge life changing event in her face. That could be traumatizing to her. Also you could meet the parents who raised your child as well. I hope it goes in your favor and it’s a happy reunion! Please give an update!!
She may not know she is adopted May destroy her
Message the parents first let them know that you’d like to make contact, it’ll make it a much easier process if the child doesn’t know she’s adopted.
Always go through the parents
Message the mother first.
I would contact the mother 1st , leave ur address n contact number to be passed on to ur daughter once they have told her, U are trying to make contact, then leave it up to her if she wishes to do so , they may not have told her she is adopted . If u jump in straight to her n she had no idea . she may just want nothing to do with u , specially if u jump n tell her she’s adopted n she has no idea , as u dont know if she knows all this . Then if she on Facebook n she contacts u start a friendship thro that n eventually meet , don’t rush things , she has been with her family 18 years , she may just have a lot of anger towards u if u jump in tell her ur her mum ect .
Leave her alone. She’ll find you when she’s ready. You can’t just pop up now cause you feel like it. You gave her up that’s not fair to the people that have stepped up and raised her.
Mother first as you would want done for you also if you were in the same situation
Only contact the mother. Because she is the one who took over that role and has brought her up for 18 years, she might not even know she’s adopted.
First, I want to say that you are so brave giving your child to a family that was able to provide and care for her when you were unable. I can’t imagine how hard that was. You are amazing for putting that child first.
Now secondly, “open” adoption or not, you have no right to reach out to that child “adult”. If you want to get to know her, that is up to her mother. She may not know she is adopted and you have no right to rock her world like that. That isn’t fair to her. If I were you, I would message her mother and acknowledge that you have no right to ask to see her. Then thank her for raising HER daughter and THEN add that if that child ever wanted to get to know you, that you would love to get to know her. Leave the ball in her court. You don’t get to give ultimatums such as if they don’t answer you back, you’ll message the girl. They may choose to not tell the girl she is adopted and that is THEIR right and they shouldn’t have to live on egg shells waiting for you to pop up. You’ve gone this long without contact.
You done an amazingly selfless thing once, just hold on to that. Because this may not go the way you want it to and in the end, it should be about the child.
I sincerely hope everything works out for you.
Me personally as an adoptee I would wait for their daughter to reach out to you. Maybe she doesn’t want to get to know you. Nothing against you I’m just saying you’re jumping the gun on things and I would wait to see if this is something she would want.
My aunty adopted my 2 cousins, they always knew to. Once they reached 18 my aunty gave them their parents details and they went looking. Both found their parents, the boy doesn’t have further contact, and although the girl speaks to her birth mum, my aunty is her mum in her eyes. I’d message the parents first and go from there. Don’t go in all guns blazing as could do more harm then good. Good luck though I hope you can all work together and all be a part of her life.
Message the partners first. They may not appreciate you found them info the way you did and as others have said she may not know and that information should come from her parents. Good luck!
Talk to the mum first after all they are her parents, they can see how she feels about it and be with her if she needs support as it must be a lot for her to take in and think about as well good luck x
Contact her mother first 
Adoptive parents 1st so you can find out if she knows she’s adopted. Also, it shows respect, reverence and appreciation to the people that raised her.
I would
Contact my daughter directly seeing as she’s 18 and an adult
Message her mother first 
what if she doesn’t know she’s adopted? What if she wants nothing to do with you and you upset her? Talk to her mum first and kindly reach out asking in a respectable way. Best of luck. I truly mean that, I hope you get a chance to know her.
Being an adoptive mother myself, I would want you to reach out to me first.
I guess I would try talking to the mother first
Contact mom 1st if you get no where contact your dtr. She’s an adult now.
I would at least reach out to the parents to see if she knows about you and let them know you plan on reaching out to her so they have the opportunity to prepare her in case she doesn’t know she was adopted
Then I would reach out to your daughter
Bottom line is it’s not up to her adoptive parents anymore, it’s up to HER if she wants to reunite with you
Sincerely an adoptee and a bio mom
Mother first and foremost to show mutual respect x good luck seeing your daughter - adopted kids can tell they’re different from their adopted parents so there’s little way she wouldn’t know and hopefully agrees to meet you
Contact the adoptive family first. Don’t be the “stranger” who drops the “Happy 18th Birthday, you’re adopted” bombshell…
Not every adoptive family discloses that their child is adopted.
My parents told me at quite a young age, but didn’t tell my sister (who is biologically theirs) that I was adopted until she was much older as my parents thought she wasn’t quite mature enough to handle to topic.
Everyone likes to try and “Disney-fy” the idea of adoption… You don’t always end up in that “loving new home” that people like to think that we end up and you live your whole life feeling like an outcast in your own family unit. You can look all smiles and light on facebook, but behind the smile can be a different life.
Maybe pass your number onto her adoptive parents to give to her.
As a mom of three adopted kiddos, I would say to contact the mom first.
Yes, reach out to her adopted mom. Your daughter is very lucky to have you be selfless and love her all these years.
Maybe do a DNA test and send it in. If she’s done one in looking fornyou, you will find her. Good luck.
Message her parents first absolutely!!!
Yes talk to the other mom first out of respect.
Msg the mother 1st out of respect to their family.
I dont think u shuld corrupt her life at this stage
She’s 18 you could reach out to her…but out of respect to her parents I would definitely contact them first
Although she is 18, i would give the adoptive parents the first call. They took in your little cherub when you needed them to and i believe they deserve that respect.
I must say that although you gave birth to her ,and have thought of her over the years you are not her mother. A mother hugs you when you cry. Sits with you all night when your I’ll. Asking to be a friend in her life who cares is a start. This should go through her mother. Usually there is councillor to help. Remember she may not want to know. This could be very upsetting for you. I hope you are able to be friends with this young woman. Just take care of yourself too.
You should contact her mam first. After all she’s the one who’s been there every day of her life, through all the good and the bad. Your/her daughter does have every right to meet you though, as I expect she’ll have lots of unanswered questions. You may have to brace yourself though as she may not want to meet you. Good luck
Definitely contact mom & dad first…
Contact her mom first and let her know how you feel. If she wants to contact you or find you then that’s fine. I’m sure she knows she is adopted and since she is 18 now she has a right to chose to contact you or not. Don’t just intrude on her life.
Yes reach out! To the parents first and then her
Message her parents first. It’s just polite. She is still biologically yours but, they raised her. They might not have told her that she is adopted as well so it gives them time to it down and talk to her before you contact her.
Speak to her parents first. She may not even know she is adopted. You’re a stranger, respectfully.
Message the mother first … the daughter might not know she is adopted … good luck 
xxxxx
Message her adoptive mum first please
I’m adopted as well, your best contacting your daughters mum first incase they haven’t mentioned that she’s adopted… better to be safe than sorry. Fingers crossed you get to have contact with her soon x
Respect for parents aside… Is that really what you wanna lay at an 18 year olds feet? If anything I would give it some time & let her mature a little more. At least now you can watch her grow from afar.
Its been 18 years. You don’t know if she was raised knowing she was adopted. And I’m sorry, but if her parents did not tell her, I don’t think you need to message the girl until its a known fact that she knows, and if they say they don’t want to tell her, then respect that. You gave her away. They were kind enough to even send you information even after the place closed. Don’t crash this girl’s world if the parents say no.
I would contact her adoptive parents first an start a conversation thanking them for raising her. Make sure their daughter has a small idea that she was adopted first off because that would be pretty disrespectful to the family for you to just jump in a start claiming her as your child…I hope it all works out the best it can!!
The respectful thing to do would be to ask the adoptive mother but she is old enough there so many different outcomes go with your gut wish u the best of luck xx
In all you do, always choose kind.
Speak with her mum first as others have said she may not know, and best of luck to you I hope it all works out xx
Such harsh harsh comments. Imagine yourself in this woman’s shoes for a minute. Would you want to reach out or at least try or live with the regret that you so badly wanted to and never did.
I would reach out to the adoptive Mother first and maybe go from there. I do just want to say good luck and I hope all goes well for you all. Please don’t give up though!!! If she does know about you which I’m assuming she does judging by the open adoption and all that they sent to you. Please please don’t give up 
Let her look you up. If she wants to know she will find you. HER choice. Not yours. You made it 18 yes ago now it’s her choice
Definitely the mom first out of respect. Try not to come off too strong. Do you know if your birth daughter even knows that she was adopted? The adopted parents may want to have that conversation first and then give the daughter the opportunity to choose. It might shock her for a bit but usually they tend to seek out bio parents omce they find out they are adopted because it leads them to have questions. I really hope that you get to have that happy reunion with your birth daughter that you are hoping for💙. Good luck🤞!!
As an adopted child - talk to her mom first even just to see if your daughter knows she’s adopted. If she says no then leave well enough alone & maybe ask the mom if it’s okay to stay in touch with HER. She sounds like she’d most likely say yes. If your daughter does know - let her decide whether she wants that or not. If her mom just lets her know you’d like a meeting then she’s mature enough to make up her own mind. Some kids that are adopted out are not all that happy about it when they find out no matter what the reason was for the adoption. Good luck !!
Yea reach out to your daughter 1 befare anyone else just in case who has her other family may not want you to.
As someone who’s adopted but I’ve also known since I was a little girl I would contact the mom first because she might not even know she’s adopted honestly. And I honestly personally would wait till she tries to contact you if she does know she’s adopted. In my eyes it’s not up to the biological parent who gave the child up to contact the child it’s up to the child cause the biological parent gave that child up. I personally won’t ever contact my egg donor because I know everything I need to know and she’s definitely not a good woman in the end the same with the sperm donor but luckily I know my sisters (birth moms side) because we were adopted together except my younger sister but we all talk so
Both because she is eighteen now. Legal adult it’s her actual choice now.
As an adoptee who’s bio mom contacted her at 19, I say GO FOR IT! They did not need to go through my adoptive parents, I was a grown ass woman And I sudder to think of the posibility that she might not even know she’s adopted. If not, how incredibly IGNORANT and SELFISH her adoptive parents are. Even more reason to contact your bio kid first. If you want to do the whole ‘‘respect the parents’’ deal, you can go through the adoptive mom and ask. See what she says. But if she ignores you, I’d go to the kid. She’d want to know.
I would message her new mum about wanting to meet your daughter as it might mess her head up a bit with you messaging her directly and growing up adopted she may have various feelings about it and hopefully they have told her she is adopted! Cos what if they haven’t 
so I think it would be best to go through the mum x
You should reach out to her mom and inquire about HER daughter.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I want to reach out to the child I gave up for adoption: Should I contact her adoptive mom first?
I’m a mom of kids i adopted, my kids all know they are adopted (except the babies who aren’t 1 yet), my kids all know their birthmoms, but some people don’t tell their kids they are adopted.
But imo if I was you I would reach out to the mom and tell her if yalls daughter was up to it you would like to meet/ talk to her.
Bc her other mom can then talk to her & or won’t be like you’re forcing yourself on her.
That way it would be up to her.
I would let that child decide on her own. She very well might not even know she was adopted
As an adopted child, let them reach out first. You never know the feelings that they may harbor and it’s best to wait until they feel they are ready.
Go through her mother first. She might not even know she’s adopted. You could destroy her. I would be livid if you did that behind my back and went straight to my daughter. I understand you want to see her but you have to put her first and what kind of damage this could do.
I would definitely go through the mom . What if they never told her she was adopted ,that would turn her world upside down .
I think you should just walk away and leave her alone instead of disrupting her life for your own selfishness. You gave her up, odds are she doesn’t know she’s adopted. Leave her alone… if she seeks you out one day, then that will be your opportunity, but until, move on and find something else to do with your time than stalk a child you gave up.
my birth mother contacted me first and it traumatized me!!! please contact her adoptive mother first.
No don’t contact the child! What if she doesn’t even know she’s adopted. She is 18 now & if she knows let her decide if she wants to meet you. Please don’t disrupt that child’s life!