I Grounded My 13-Year-Old But Am Conflicted About Making This One Exception: Advice?

QUESTION:

"Recently I had to ground my 13-year old for being disrespectful and simply having no motivation to give 100% in school. Not often do I have to ground her, but this time my ‘warning’ didn’t phase her, so she got grounded.

She decided to push some buttons. When I grounded her, I told her she had one week of grounding, and she wasn’t going anywhere nor doing anything. Normally she goes with me once a week to get groceries, which she likes to do.

My question is because my husband and I both aren’t really sure if we should take that away or not. I did tell her she wasn’t going anywhere at all, so a part of me wants to make sure I stick with what I said but wasn’t sure if going grocery shopping with me is something I should or shouldn’t take away?"

RELATED QUESTION: My Boyfriend and I Disagree with His Ex About How to Punish Their Daughter for Sneaking Out: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“I wouldn’t punish her for having no motivation in school tbh. It’s definitely a hard year & I wouldn’t blame any child for that. And it really depends on what you mean by being disrespectful. It’s circumstantial. But I’d say take her to the store. Don’t take away something you guys do together.”

“Before she was grounded and went to the store with you, did she help? My thought is that if she’s helping, ie, pricing, menu planning, loading/unloading bags, and putting groceries away at home, then I see it as her helping with chores and shouldn’t be grounded from that.”

“I think if you’ve told her that she isn’t going anywhere then you shouldn’t allow her to go with you. That way she will realize that you are serious. Hopefully, she will learn her lesson and not repeat the behaviors. Good luck!”

“Has her attitude improved? If so, take her to show her you are happy she’s trying, and if her attitude hasn’t, leave her at home. Just my opinion.”

“I’d say the trip to the grocery store is a good time to talk to her about the grounding and why you expect from her. One on one. Take that time and hopefully inspire her to do better and be better.”

“Maybe you should figure out why she’s not putting any effort in her school work. Why is she lacking motivation? Is something or someone bothering her? Bullying? Depression? Low self-esteem? Try to get to the bottom of that first before you just punish her for assuming she doesn’t care. There’s always a reason behind why we do or don’t do things. Secondly, don’t shun her completely, what if she’s going through some difficulties that you are completely unaware of, and bonding and spending time with you at the grocery store is one of the only times she can leave all that behind? Talk to her and gain her trust to figure things out together. Maybe she just needs help with her work. Good luck.”

“I would let her go. I would never take quality time with my child away as punishment. Other things, sure. This is different.”

“If she likes it, then no. I would leave her home and stand by your decision that she doesn’t get to go anywhere or do anything.”

“If you told her she isn’t going anywhere, that includes the store.”

“I wouldn’t take away bonding time with mom. Plus she is likely acting out due to stress. Tell her you’d rather her talk about her stresses than lash out at the family. Vent to her a little about your day and when she starts venting back to you CARE. Ask if she wants advice or just an ear.”

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21 Likes

Allowing her to come with you, while still holding your ground with the other disciplinary actions, would be a good way to show her that although you’re upset with her actions you still love her. Im sure she can’t go out to friends and stuff as well, so she should be able to get out of the house some.

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I wouldn’t take her if she enjoys it

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I’d allow her to come. That’s still mom and daughter time you can have.

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I don’t see anything wrong with going grocery shopping.

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I wouldn’t punish her for having no motivation in school tbh. It’s definitely a hard year & I wouldn’t blame any child for that. And it really depends on what you mean by being disrespectful. Its circumstantial. But I’d say take her to the store. Don’t take away something you guys do together.

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Best would be take her phone and electronic away for a week. Teenagers cannot be without these days

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If she likes it, then no. I would leave her home and stand by your decision that she doesn’t get to go anywhere or do anything.

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Has her attitude improved? If so, take her to show her you are happy she’s trying and if her attitude hasn’t, leave her at home. Just my opinion :slightly_smiling_face:

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I’d ask her how her attitude has changed first and see how that conversation goes. If she can calmly and respectfully have that conversation then I would.

I did some self education in learning parenting. One thing was the disciplinary action should always be tied to the behavior. Talk back lose phone privileges. Miss curfew. Shorter curfew. Disrespectful to homeless. Community service. Hope this helps.

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First of all, every child is struggling to give 100% effort during these times. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they’re not effected by the pandemic. Secondly you’re taking about her going to the grocery store with you. You are being ridiculous there. She can’t even go to the grocery store with you is pushing it a bit too far.

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Maybe you should figure out why she’s not putting any effort in her school work. Why is she lacking motivation? Is something or someone bothering her? Bullying? Depression? Low self esteem? Try to get to the bottom of that first before you just punish her for assuming she doesn’t care. There’s always a reason behind why we do or don’t do things. Secondly, don’t shun her completely, what if she’s going through some difficulties that you are completely unaware of and bonding and spending time with you at the grocery store is one of the only times she can leave all that behind? Talk to her and gain her trust to figure things out together. Maybe she just needs help with her work. Good luck.

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I think if you’ve told her that she isn’t going anywhere then you shouldn’t allow her to go with you. That way she will realise that you are serious. Hopefully she will learn her lesson and not repeat the behaviours. Good luck!

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Take the opportunity to have a good heart to heart with her

Shes probably depressed because its online versus actually going to school and seeing her friends. I wouldn’t have motivation if I was a kid during these times. I wouldn’t want to go to school online. There isn’t much social interaction and I’d miss my friends. Maybe that’s why. I’d try to understand why she has no motivation. And also you grounded her by taking away going anywhere or doing anything so im just going to come out and ask if she has electronics to talk to her friends? Because those would have been the first to go besides not going anywhere? And if she doesn’t then you should understand that school might not be the same.

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My first gut reaction is to say leave her home. But, after some thought, I believe in tying heart strings with our kids. I would take her with you and try to have a good time with her, they grow up sooo fast! It’s only the grocery store, so even tho she’s on restriction from many other activities, I honestly think this won’t hurt at all. Your a good mom to care so much!

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She is with you grocery shopping… most kids consider that punishment!! Let her go, soon she won’t want to and you will miss your one on one time together!

LEAVE HER HOME!! Stick to your guns. She can go next we if she acts right

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My honor roll daughter had 3 F’s the 1st 6 weeks . Online schooling isn’t easy. Hopefully the next 6 weeks she improves and so do the teachers. Its very hard on all students and teachers this year. Give her a break. Talk to the
teachers. Get a tutor .

Before she was grounded and went to the store with you, did she help? My thought is that if she’s helping, ie, pricing, menu planning, loading/unloading bags and putting groceries away at home, then I see it as her helping with chores and shouldn’t be grounded from that.

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hell no I wouldn’t, hey you get no cake!! wait here’s some cake!
your really questioning this?

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I wouldn’t :woman_shrugging: I usually just take the games away for the day

Hold your boundaries and maybe you won’t have to do it again least for awhile

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Take her shopping. And make her make dinner with you for a week. You can bond, she’s not sitting on the couch, and she might end up liking it.:woman_shrugging:t3:

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Stick to your guns so she knows you’re serious about this. A week isn’t bad. Heck I use to get grounded for a month.

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I loved going to the grocery store but when I was in trouble I wasn’t allowed lol

If you said she couldn’t go anywhere then that means shopping too

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I agree - stick to your original punishment of not going anywhere. If it’s something she enjoys maybe the whole point of why she’s being punished will be more of a reinforcement than you relenting.

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I would let her go. I would never take quality time with my child away as punishment. Other things, sure. This is different.

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I’d say the trip to the grocery store is a good time to talk to her about the grounding and why you expect from her. One on one. Take that time and hopefully inspire her to do better and be better :heart:

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I think that you should take her. She needs to get out of the house and it’s not like she is leaving the house to go to an amusement park, carnival or party. It’s just the grocery store.

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I got grounded for 7+months for getting a C in school… One week… That’s freaking heaven. I had to do extra chores and help cook dinner and then put all the food away and wash dishes on top of my daily chores… Your to lenient. Staying home isn’t going to harm her. Stick to your plan.

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You do what you feel is right. I would take her only because that’s maybe her only outing right now. But I’d still keep her grounded with everything else. Maybe this would be an opportunity to talk to her.

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I wouldn’t take away bonding time with mom. Plus she is likely acting out due to stress. Tell her you’d rather her talk about her stresses than lash out at the family. Vent to her a little about your day and when she starts venting back to you CARE. Ask if she wants advice or just an ear

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I would not take her to the store her one job is to give school her best shot and to be respectful to her parents

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Disrespect and lack of motivation are two completely different issues.
Disrespect I’d stick to my guns although lack of motivation could stem from other issues happening at school?
Perhaps dig deeper into why your daughter isn’t motivated.

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I wouldnt take away bonding time as punishment take her with you. Make dinner together and have her do the dishes after. Thats not ungrounding her like for real take tv time or other things away not your quality time/bonding time away that could make matters worse plus thats a good time to keep busy and have a heart to heart with your daughter to see what is going on in her life that could be making her lack motivation in school or other things. Just a thought tho.

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No grounded means grounded in my house hold mine can go to work and that’s it since she is homeschooled

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No make her stay home while you go. You said she likes to go grocery shopping with you so if you let her go she wins. Make her stay home and do some chores while your out grocery shopping. She needs to learn that you mean what you say. If you back down and let her go with then she will know your words and grounding mean nothing at all.the

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Grounded means that u go to school…and can go to church…thats all

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Also find out why she has no motivation my 11 yo daughter literally has all F’s right now and I’m not gonna punish her … She is so stressed about online learning and when she does her assignments she gets 90-100 but there’s days that get to her and she gets a 0 for that assignment. Instead of punishing her I’m trying to understand her and finding better ways of making sure she doesn’t miss those assignments… It’s been getting better…

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I wouldn’t leave her home alone, so if someone’s there…I’d go without her

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id take her… its a way to bond… shes still grounded and shes still in trouble but one outing to the store with mom isn’t going to take away from that… while out together you can maybe talk or try to figure out why shes acting out… u dont need your kids to hate you to be effective…

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The consequence to a behaviour has to be related otherwise it’s unfair.

Sending someone to their room does not teach them how to not continue the same behaviour further. Ignore the disrespect and clearly focus on the task you’re asking them to complete

I usually address those behaviours when they are in a better mood and open to feedback and we have a heart to heart about how each of us have treated each other that day.

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Mom, say what you mean & mean what you say. Your daughter is at the age that shes just getting ready to test you & dad to ser how far she can get. She needs to learn correction isn’t a game.

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Stick with your plan , don’t take her. Let her learn the lesson - that’s your intention

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Let her go. Trust me, she will just resent you even more if you don’t let her. The one time I got grounded, I was forced to spend all my time with my mom, and it brought us closer. A lot of the time when teens act out,it’s a cry for help. Maybe she just needs more mother daughter time

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Going no where means going no where and if its something she enjoys I’d say not. You’re not supposed to find enjoyment in a punishment. Plus, you grounded her for a week so she’d miss this one and hopefully learn from her mistakes. Its only a week, stay strong mama.

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We’re in a pandemic - if you’re able to at all, keep kids home! Good grief. :woman_facepalming:

Honestly im the mom who gives in and i promise you its worse on me now. Its hard but i think if you stick with it. It will make her realize your serious and she has to behave especially if you dont “ground” her often itll be something she knows is a big deal and will likely take serious.

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Take her with you. If she enjoys going at that age it means she likes spending time with you. This would also be a good time to bond with her by bringing her, it’ll probably help heal any tension and maybe change her attitude.

Take her, it is grocery shopping. Maybe get a new game to play as a family or just yall too while she is grounded. Bonding time!

Stick with it. It shows her that you say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s just one trip to the grocery store, she’ll still love you trust me.

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It is a grocery store, I don’t see that as some super fun outing for a 13 year old :roll_eyes:…I’d take her.

Also you have to exactly lay it out as to what privileges are being taken away ? You can’t vaguely say she can do anything ?

I wouldn’t take her. Like you said she likes to go but the whole point of being grounded is to not be able to do the things you like due to poor behaviour choices

Stick with the not going anywhere plan.

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Never withhold love as a punishment. It sounds like this is something you two enjoy doing together and not doing it with her this week because you are upset could come off as rejection and potentially wound her emotionally.
Kids act out for a reason, dig deeper and find out why she is being moody and unmotivated in school. You also have to give it to her that this is a very tough time in life for all of us. There has been so many big changes and let’s not forget with 13 comes puberty and a rush of hormones. Not to say her behavior was the right way to behave but you have to have understanding because children are not born with all the skills and knowledge we as adults have, give her grace and make sure to still show that you love her and care for her even if she is in trouble.

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Take her with you, maybe she will open up to whats bothering her.

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I’d take her and make her do the math and handle the list. I understand the discipline because even though this year is far from normal, learning is important and getting lazy about it is a bad tone to set and expect future success. You’re doing a good job, Mama.

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Normal I say no. But my question is how bad is the virus getting in your area? If its closing in around you in other communities but hasn’t hit yours I would consider taking her, just because they may lock things down.

no shopping. shopping is a privilage

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If you told her she isn’t going anywhere, that includes the store.

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You need to stick with what you tell her you are going to do. So no store if if told her she wasn’t going anywhere

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Going no where means going no where

You grounded her for not having motivation at school?! Yikesssss.
Maybe try talking to her, maybe shes struggling in studies, also please keep in mine we are in a fucking pandemic. Give your daughter a goddamn break…
As far as groundings, dont listen to other parents about how you punish your kids. That’s up to you to figure out what works and not going to a store is a little excessive. Grounding is removing fun things for her, not what you decide to remove just cause.
You should probably communicate with your kids instead of grounding and asking facebook for advice.

Definitely bring her with you and just have a heart to heart with her. Actually listen to her reasoning and don’t get upset. There may be a reason behind her not being motivated to give her all in school.

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Parenting is tough but the #1 rule is to stand by what you say. Compromising diminishes your authority, increases the child’s likelihood of repeating the behavior and sets you up for future problems.

It’s a toss up, on one hand you should stick to what you said. You have to be consistent and not “give in” cause you feel bad for her. But I also agree total isolation is not good. You want your kids to talk to you. To come to you when they have a problem and even though not trying hard enough in school is a problem it could be far worse like sex or pregnancy… and you don’t want her to be afraid to tell you in fear of what will happen. We don’t ground our kids, we simply take away the one thing they love the most, one day in trouble at school- one day no phone or car or computer etc. have you considered there could be a learning issue, maybe it’s not that she isn’t trying but she doesn’t understand the subject. A lot of kids get tutoring and it’s perfectly acceptable. I guess I’m saying I would not rush to punish I would try and talk to her and figure out what is going on first and figure out a way to help her together and if she still isn’t “trying” then take away a privilege. But let her go with you to the store. You never know it could help her open up when you’re Alone with her to get to the issue. Good luck

Being grounded means she is grounded, its as simple as that.

In fact while you are out grocery shopping and doing errands, you should have her clean the house, mop the floors, scrub the toilets and make sure that house is nice and clean when you get home and if she doesnt then add another week to her punishment… thats exactly what I would do with a child acting up and being disrespectful. That’s my two cents.

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I take my 13 year old with me and she lifts heavy things and loads everything in the car for me so it would be punishment for me not to take her.

You have to stick to the punishment. Taking her with you would be showing her she can still get what she wants. Stick to it mom. This way hopefully she will learn that every action has a reaction.

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All these negative comments on here show me some people just do not understand children, please talk to her and show her she can open up to you.

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If it’s something she enjoys, then she should stay home. My kids hate going grocery shopping so that would enhance the punishment for them.

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Grounded is grounded
However, you can turn the shopping into an Math Experience and make her estimate cost of items and total price.

Its the grocery store. Total isolation is not going to help her open up to you at any point in her life. Doing an errand with her, whether she enjoys it or not, gives an opportunity for you both to breathe and creates a new more comfortable environment that can open a productive conversation. Its also more than likely she won’t enjoy doing this with you this time anyway because of your current situation.

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Nope, grounding her is punishment and letting her go do something she enjoys is not being grounded.

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Grounded means grounded . if she loves going shopping then she will feel the sting .dont be wishy washy mom .

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Have you thought about talking to her to find out what is going on? 13 is a difficult age for boys and girls, so much going on hormonal!

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I don’t think missing one shopping trip is going to hurt her. Might make her appreciate the trip more next time.

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No don’t let her go
That’s something she likes to do.

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Teens start pushing more and more, partly for independence and partly to see how far they can go. You bring them back to reality, and then they know their limit. Next time they"ll try to push a little farther, but they still want boundaries. It’s all part of growing up and pulling away, which you want them independent, but still have to guide them.

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Why take away the time she spends with you? Have her load and unload the groceries,dont get her any extras besides basic needs. Going anywhere should mean out to other places without your supervision like with friends or places she would want to go alone.

Stick to the punishment if you said no where! You can sit down with her at home and talk! Taking her shows your willing to give in. She’s old enough to understand grounded is grounded. A week isn’t isolation as she’s still going to school and seeing friends unless your homeschooling then you can’t give in its something she likes to do grounding isn’t suppose to fun with mom

She should DEFINITELY GO!! That’s family time & learning time! Going shopping with mom is an opportunity for her to learn to do things when she is grown. You two could do some talking. Even if she’s grounded, she’s still your kid.

If she gets a moment on her own she may just go out anyway!I would keep an eye on her and take her if anything the car is a good neutral place to have a conversation with her maybe she will open up about what’s happening with her schoolwork (just no special treats allowed) good luck these next few years in the teens can be tough!

She is grounded. Stick to what you said. It is not going to be forever but by not letting her go anywhere she may think twice before being disrespectful again.

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Grounding doesn’t work. It just puts a wedge between you and your child. Talk to her instead. Find out why she isn’t giving 100%, or if she is giving 100% but struggling and afraid to ask for help because it would have drawn your attention to her lower grades. Try and see things from her point of view if she is able to tell you how she’s feeling and whats going on with her change of grades or change in effort. Kids these days have a lot of stresses and especially with covid and all the stuff that goes on socially at school also.

Heck, with the way 2020 has been, I can understand her lack of interest in school and being “somewhat disrespectful “ I know how much it’s thrown me off and I can certainly understand a young teen having trouble dealing with it. If you really want to make her life rougher, go ahead and make her stay home, but I also know that the car rides to and from the stores can also be the best place for talking and opening up to you. Sometimes when my girls are their brattiest, they just need a little longer ride in the car with a listening ear.

It could be a good chance to have a conversation! Maybe she has been acting off because something is going on. I say take her, grab some starbucks and have a chat. She shouldnt be grounded from time with her mother!

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You grounded her from going with friends and park stuff like that… I mean if you went to church every Sunday you surely wouldn’t ground her from that, or from going to eat with the family out. Personally I would take her with me cause that is your normal family time, Don’t ground her from her parents.

I think I would say yes… however, if she sees a friend and they try to talk to her or she tries to talk to them she is not allowed and the other kid will be made aware by me screaming across the store that she is grounded and not allowed to have friends right now… that’s what I would do, that’s also what my mom did to me :joy:

Grounding your child from doing some shopping with you is something she likes so it’s like a reward. Why would you want to reward your child when she had badd disrespectful behavior. It won’t kill her to miss one shopping trip. Stick to your guns, or she will know you’re a push over.

If you say not going anywhere, then stick to it or she’ll use that against you at some point.

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You can always take her but she gets to pick up nothing.

Don’t let her go but after you and her do something together and talk… Is she really goofying off or is school hard this time?

For me being grounded it meant doing all my chores plus helping my dad with his and grocery shopping yucky. So it depends.

Bring her !! Maybe some alone time together, out of the house will do you both some good. Have a chat over lunch and maybe you’ll find out what’s really going on with her :heart:

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I’d make her stay home, she enjoys it…but she’s being punished