I guess I'm here for an attitude adjustment

I have came to the realization over the summer that I’m becoming bitter and resentful toward my husband and he doesn’t even realize it. I feel lonely in parenting and even more so in marriage. This makes me sad.
I’m a SAHM of a 4 yr old with special needs (I’m still working at accepting this) and a 1 yr old who does not sleep through the night yet.
My husband and I have been together for 13years. In the beginning we went places and did things together but as the years pass it becomes less and less. At first I just thought it was normal that we could do our own thing but then along came the children and I started to take on the attitude that he is the one missing out not me but now I’m hurt because he attends nothing. I get my kids pictures done 1 to 2 times a year and he refuses to come along for a family photo because that’s just “f’in stupid” I’ve taken the kids to the fair, the zoo, a few animal parks, an amusement park without him. He refuses to participate. Our family time includes usually one meal a day and a ride around our property in the evening. In the last 20 months we’ve been in a restaurant once together with our children and I don’t think we have been out to eat alone in over 2 years, unless you count a hospital cafeteria while our child was in surgery; if he even goes with me to the hospital for our child’s medical procedures, he usually stays in the parking garage. I coordinate and transport our child to all therapy sessions, manage grocery shopping, child care things from bath to bedtime almost all house hold chores (occasionally he cooks but does not clean up). Even the last two years he has opted out of Christmas at my parents.
I get sad when i see other families getting family pictures or hear about them going on an adventure together because I’m almost certain it’s never going to happen for us. I recently rsvp’d to not attend an extended family members wedding because I’m sick of going to this stuff alone.
He works full time, runs a small hobby farm, grows a large portion of our food, takes his days off and vacation time to work with another family member doing general construction work. I get no free time away from the kids because they are with me 24/7. Other parts of our marriage are also suffering. I think he would also would be considered an alcoholic, consuming atleast 2 cases of beer or more a week.
Are my expectations to high? Am I asking for to much to have more involvement from him? I think about 1 corinthians 13 4-8 and wounder if I’m just creating a records of wrongs? Is this normal family behavior. I’ve considered leaving but I’m concerned that he’d try to take my kids away from me? Or the dangerous situations he would put them in(which I’m able to prevent now)because it was his time. Or if I’d be making things harder on myself having to attain housing and chase a paycheck. We have always be in agreement that our children would not attend day care. My youngest has never even been away from me for more than a few hours.
I feel like we are running parallel lives or something. There is me and the kids and him and work.


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I guess I'm here for an attitude adjustment - Mamas Uncut

Throw the whole ‘husband’ away . You sound like you are already divorced or a widow. Sorry you are dealing with this nobody deserves that

Just a thought honestly but maybe if you take on a part time job outside the home maybe it will help with the marriage and give you a break from the life you are living now. Maybe he feels like he HAS to do EVERYTHING or you’d be mad at him, Not saying you are mind you. But tbh sometimes working a little helps a lot even if you don’t think so… Plus all of us mommies need a break away from our homes to. So it’s a win win and I’m sure this tiny fix will heal everything you have addressed in your post. Chin up and remember being married means you work as a team same as being a parent.

You are not in the wrong for your feelings whatsoever. Just because you had children does not mean you’re not allowed to have a life or to be a person. It’s not healthy for you or your babies to be glued to them every second of the day. Moms need breaks too. You’re not in a relationship, you’re living with a roommate. That isn’t a father nor a husband. Just remember, how can you make your babies happy if you’re not happy yourself. It’s so hard to start over, trust me I know. But maybe leaving and getting custody of your kids and starting fresh will be the best thing to happen to you! Start going to work, have your own money and your own time to yourself! Do you have family that can help with babysitting needs? Maybe if you’re hesitant on leaving, suggest marriage counseling! Because girl you deserve a life and to be happy!! :two_hearts:

I just want to say I’m so sorry for how you feel. Your feelings are valid. My first piece of advice is if it’s hard for you two to communicate write him a letter with how you feel. Also I would suggest marriage counseling if he isn’t okay with that than definitely counseling for you to work through your feelings of what to do. Two choices stay and be miserable but I’m a safety net financially or leave with your kids and put in for full custody due to him being dangerous (drinking) but if you leave you’d only have to worry about you and those kids and you can find peace and happiness. On a paper or in your phone write a pro/con list to stay or leave… I’m here for you


I think it’s time for you to have a sit down and a deep conversation. You do a lot and you are a great mother . He needs to step up as the father he is or time for you to walk away since pretty much you are doing it by yourself already . I wish you the best :heart: not all mothers are like you

Wow… u need to tell him to beat it. You’re doing it alone anyway. And you’ll be happier without that type of misery in ur life.


I wouldn’t worry about him taking the kids from you, he doesn’t even participate now. Doubt he’d want to do it alone himself. I suggest looking at this as if he is a broken man. You say he’s an alcoholic. That can say a lot. Is he struggling with depression? Men have been conditioned to believe it’s weak for them to be sad but unfortunately sadness will find it’s way out. Ultimately, he has to be the one to see his issues and want to do better. And you are the one who has to decide to stay or go.

Some men just don’t get it. Or fail to realize how much work a mother does in the household, even being a SAHM. Communicate with him. Make sure when you tell him how you feel, he knows that you are completely serious or what bothers you and what you feel needs changing ASAP. On one of his off days, make yourself busy to where either you can’t be home or too busy to look after the kids and manage the household so he can get a dose of what you do on a daily. My advice is not to be home. I know you’re going to worry about the safety of your babies being left alone with dad for the day but trust, they’ll be fine. But he needs a reality check and a fast 1. And I’ll add since he is your husband, as well as a good provider plus you guys have children together, I say at least try to fight for y’all marriage and family. I wouldn’t throw in the towel until everything’s out on the table and he understands what you’re going through

Tell him how you feel. If it makes him mad or he dismisses your feeling leave cause he won’t change


I know I’m probably going to be shot down for this … but maybe since (if I’ve read this wrong correct me) struggling with the diagnosis of the child and doesn’t know how to talk about feelings and how to even begin accepting it as a man…I mean even as a momma that’s alot to handle meds, therapy, home care…etc…alot of the times we think my God mom has it so hard, maybe as a man he is struggling to accept and acknowledge the fact that his offspring isn’t something I’m sure he has imagined… hear me out… maybe he feels he may be responsible and as the “bread winner”(if that’s the case ) may be scared of failure or blame from your family… again… not trying to flip any feathers just maybe a different outlook

You are unhappy with status quo, that makes it important and necessary to deal with immediately. Same with him. Maybe all it will take is letting him know how you feel, maybe not. Remember you are worth it, no matter what.


Suck it up cupcake u married him


Perhaps he is also stressed and unhappy? Sounds like he works a lot to support you and the kids, since you are a stay at home mom. You have tobrealize, nothing is free and everything you do that money has to come from somewhere. He is overworked and stressed and most likely bitter because he feel like he works and works and you most likely don’t show appreciation. Instead sounds like you both lack communication.

Your feelings are valid and valuable.


I’d be telling him straight and that you want a true family unit not a fucking house share with a single guy and you with your kids. He’s an idiot and he’ll soon realise how much he’s fucked up when he has no relationship with his kids and no memories for them to look back on either. Sounds like a cunt to be to be honesnt

I dont have any advice for you but your life sounds very similar to mine and I’m single …I’m sorry mamma :pensive: you sound like a good mom I wish you and your family the best :heart:

The real truth is you need to decide do you want to stay and try to work on things with him or do you want to leave ?
Is he depressed ?
How does he feel about your marriage? Does he talk to you about anything ? Was his childhood bad ?

There is the love you have for a spouse and there is the love you have for the co parent of your child . Marriage is hard and sometimes people drift apart . First decide can you be his friend ? Will being his friend make. Issue for you leaving if so then don’t attempt but , know this family courts are brutal . He may or my not fight many threaten but, then won’t do anything .

It isn’t like alot of people think . Good lawyers get bad people custody all the time . A little drinking issue won’t be enough to make him unfit or get you primary and the most dangerous time is when you leave .
It is easier to work on your marriage if you feel you can . It won’t be fixed quickly . It isn’t easy so what you beed to do is first start with maybe. Sitter and a date night . It sounds like both of you have stress maybe you both carry but in different ways .

Ultimately you need a break and he needs to communicate with you so start with getting a sitter for you to get a break at least once a week . Ask your child’s dr if you qualify for some child care . Get any services you might qualify for such as child care , financial help etc . You might be surprised by what you qualify for . If not tr to find another mom who can swap child care with . You need some self care and to get to a better place to make better decisions . Gentle hugs . When you do go see a therapist and tell them you need help sorting out this goal .

Maybe he is still struggling to accept that your four year old has special needs as well as u are I would try communicating with him how you feel

Yor story sounds like mine only we are now divorcing.

Maybe go to therapy so you can express how you’re feeling, and he can express how he feels. I would suggest separating though… I know he works a lot but it’s not fair to you that you don’t get a break. It’s a lot in general with kids let alone one with special needs. You need a break, you need time for yourself. You sound like an amazing mom & I think you’d be happier if you were single. You’re already doing everything yourself anyways including family outings so might as well make it official and then you won’t have any ties or expectations of a “husband”

People don’t come out me for this !!! I’ve been through it. He doesn’t get involved because of 2 reasons he is no longer in love with you and he is also embarrassed that he has a special needs children. He drinks to forget and ignores to deal with wanting to forget because deep down he knows it’s wrong. It’s not fair to you or the kids to have a non existent husband and father. You need to see a therapist on your own to discuss what is best for you and for the children. He’s not going to fight for them believe me. He can’t even handle cleaning up after dinner. I am very sorry your going through this but most marriages with a special needs child divorce. This isn’t healthy for any of you ( speaking from experience ) talk to someone they will help you with the pros and cons

Tell him to step up, or leave! The marriage is a partnership and he needs to give you and it time

Find your spine and deal with it.


If you leave he is not going to have time for the kids. He doesn’t now.
I would try to get therapy for myself.
Tell him your wanting to leave and why. Have a list.
I think daycare have drop ins. You pay for the day. They use too. Maybe a friend could watch the kids while you go to therapy and a cup of coffee.
Things need to change and you see that. Now it’s time for him wake up and see them too!!!


I think he may be going through an anti social disorder. It’s a lot for a man to go through and I know quite a few men who go through this. You’re the strong one in this family with having to be there for everyone and everything. I know it’s heartbreaking and depressing but please try to understand his perspective while you heal your loneliness and depression. Right now is also not the time to think about leaving or divorcing, this is the time you do everything you can to keep your family together.

It appears to me that he hasn’t been able to accept your special needs child. Maybe he feels guilty, embarrassed or that it is his fault. (less of a man because his child has special needs) It sounds to me like you both need to discuss accepting this child with each other. Let him be honest with you about how he feels. You be honest too. Hopefully together you can both come to terms with this.
For those saying “leave, you are doing it all yourself anyway”, no she isn’t! He is paying the bills so she can care for the children. Should she leave, that burden would also fall on her, leaving the care of the children to someone else.
It would be wise to get someone to watch the kids, even just for a couple of hours each week so you can go to the grocery store, go to the coffee shop or just go for a drive. Take the time to think about your relationship and ways you can help each other deal with raising a special needs child. You both need each other’s support!
Prayers for you and your family.

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Pics are stupid?? No, he is! If something happened to either of u, there would no pics of y’all as a family for your children! Smh

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Did you talk to him? If not sit down and talk. Or counseling. Hey f you can’t have open communication then it’s time to split

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You are not wrong here mama. Some insight, my husband and I have been together 8 years, we have 6 children, (one is his son from a previous marriage so we get him during the summer) I am a SAHM of our 5, my 4 year old has Autism. We live in a state with no family right now so it’s JUST us. He works about 50 hours a week, comes home, and splits the night time responsibilities with me (there usually isn’t really much left but he still helps), every single weekend we go out as a family and have a family fun day. Family pics HE picks the date and helps coordinate outfits etc. When there’s school stuff going on, he’s there, even if he has to take a lunch. He is the best dad/husband in the world. And you know what he says when people ask him why he’s so involved? Because he wants to see his kids grow, he wants them to know daddy was always there, that it IS possible to do both and to never accept less. And he always wants to make sure i feel loved and appreciated and never question us. You need to have a sit down talk with him. Tell him how you feel. Now as far as leaving goes, that is a decision only YOU can make, but mama, you CAN do it if you decide to leave. I stg you can do it. I’ll pray for you :heart:

I knew he was an alcoholic b4 u even said it!!! U r in a dangerous situation. I think for the safety of u nd ur children u need to figure out a way to leave!!! I have been in ur shoes b4.

Honestly, I’ve been through the exact situation, and after years of it, I left, as I felt like I was doing it all and felt he just didn’t care. Even though my life isn’t the greatest, I sometimes feel now like I left too soon and didn’t try as much as I could have to work things out. I thought I was at the time but looking back, I was overwhelmed and could’ve tried harder and differently, but hindsight is always 20/20. I felt the same as you do, as I had a son with medical issues that I was the only one dealing with it, and had twins that were 2.5 years younger that were a handful. I was also working then after being sahm for a few years and was the one who made sure bills were paid (with both our incomes) and food was in the house and cleaning. He was working and then either just wanted to rest when he came home or he went hunting and fishing while I did everything. I tried to talk to him about it but the more talking, the less he was there. And the talking ended up being more yelling because I felt like he wasn’t understanding me. I tried a new job also but he was more mad that it interrupted his own schedule. I tried working opposite hours as him so we didnt need daycare also. It didn’t work since he had to take care of the kids. Well I grew more mad and frustrated and left with the kids. It was a bigger mess for years after…
I should have stayed and tried to resolve the issues more and went to counseling and so forth, as we lost the house, he got his freedom, and I was responsible for absolutely everything. We ended up with my parents for years because my money was barely enough for babysitters and I made good money at the time. I struggled to pay everything and still couldn’t get our own place for years. When we finally did get a place, it was still so hard, as there were even more bills with the house and it was only still my income. My ex stopped seeing the kids and had stopped paying support for a few years. It was so hard at times.
You think you are doing well and doing the right thing, but sometimes you just aren’t. Don’t over think it, unless you want to think about how it would be on your own doing everything really by yourself. Its not easy.
You need to seriously think about counseling and find ways to get him to see what he is missing. Have date nights more often. It may even help for you to get a part time job just to get out of the house occasionally, as its obvious you are restless, but it will force him to take a little more responsibility with the kids. If you still love him, don’t give up just because you feel unhappy and overwhelmed right now. You need to re-evaluate what the issues really are and alter them. I can guarentee the issues are not just him as you make it sound, its going to be with both of you. You need to talk it out and get help by professionals to fix it. Don’t over react and go stomping off on your own without trying other options. Show him what you are feeling and why.

It was the “family pics are fucking stupid” for me, that’s it…didn’t care to know more. That was enough for me, I say walk away.

Find a support group that can help you and your kids. Clearly you are the only parent. Pray to God and ask to turn your circumstances around. And always you ROCK girl! Love you and may God bless you with more and peace of mind. Because he will. Trust and believe :pray:

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I’m currently pregnant with my first child and was upset with my partner about him playing video games while I die in the bathroom throwing up my guts. I told him bluntly if I am going to go through my pregnancy alone with out your help then I can have the baby and take care of it alone. I’m not going to allow you to tell me you want a child then not be here while I’m suffering.
He got it together real quick. Now he’s running me a bath checking the temps and getting my meds ready I have all day sickness.
Sometimes men just need a little push. Hope that helps

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Does he play or bond with them when he is home.
My daughter takes her twin boys everywhere…sometimes hubs goes with them.
The boys adore him…because he has fun with them when he is home.
But your situation is way different…24/7
.girlfriend you need a break

Oh no, this is not a marriage. He is OBVIOUSLY and willfully non-participatory as a husband and father.
You’re better off alone with your children because you’re already alone in your relationship. It will NEVER get better and twenty years from now you will look back with regret for staying. Know your own worth even if he doesn’t. :+1::+1:

find a way to make him sit down and talk to you maybe he is doing all he can to keep busy because he is overwhelmed with not knowing what to do men suck at feelings, if he wont take the time to try and resolve or talk with you then you should look at other options possibly leaving you are already living a single parent lifestyle why keep the headache of a man that does not have time or want to participate with the family he created

Valid and should be valued. Leave.