I have came to the realization over the summer that I’m becoming bitter and resentful toward my husband and he doesn’t even realize it. I feel lonely in parenting and even more so in marriage. This makes me sad.
I’m a SAHM of a 4 yr old with special needs (I’m still working at accepting this) and a 1 yr old who does not sleep through the night yet.
My husband and I have been together for 13years. In the beginning we went places and did things together but as the years pass it becomes less and less. At first I just thought it was normal that we could do our own thing but then along came the children and I started to take on the attitude that he is the one missing out not me but now I’m hurt because he attends nothing. I get my kids pictures done 1 to 2 times a year and he refuses to come along for a family photo because that’s just “f’in stupid” I’ve taken the kids to the fair, the zoo, a few animal parks, an amusement park without him. He refuses to participate. Our family time includes usually one meal a day and a ride around our property in the evening. In the last 20 months we’ve been in a restaurant once together with our children and I don’t think we have been out to eat alone in over 2 years, unless you count a hospital cafeteria while our child was in surgery; if he even goes with me to the hospital for our child’s medical procedures, he usually stays in the parking garage. I coordinate and transport our child to all therapy sessions, manage grocery shopping, child care things from bath to bedtime almost all house hold chores (occasionally he cooks but does not clean up). Even the last two years he has opted out of Christmas at my parents.
I get sad when i see other families getting family pictures or hear about them going on an adventure together because I’m almost certain it’s never going to happen for us. I recently rsvp’d to not attend an extended family members wedding because I’m sick of going to this stuff alone.
He works full time, runs a small hobby farm, grows a large portion of our food, takes his days off and vacation time to work with another family member doing general construction work. I get no free time away from the kids because they are with me 24/7. Other parts of our marriage are also suffering. I think he would also would be considered an alcoholic, consuming atleast 2 cases of beer or more a week.
Are my expectations to high? Am I asking for to much to have more involvement from him? I think about 1 corinthians 13 4-8 and wounder if I’m just creating a records of wrongs? Is this normal family behavior. I’ve considered leaving but I’m concerned that he’d try to take my kids away from me? Or the dangerous situations he would put them in(which I’m able to prevent now)because it was his time. Or if I’d be making things harder on myself having to attain housing and chase a paycheck. We have always be in agreement that our children would not attend day care. My youngest has never even been away from me for more than a few hours.
I feel like we are running parallel lives or something. There is me and the kids and him and work.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I guess I'm here for an attitude adjustment - Mamas Uncut
Seems to me hes working is arse off for his family with very little downtime, hes probably very tired mentally and physically and prefers a cold beer and being at home, and you seemed to mentally worn out also, solution: place both your kids in daycare, go to work with your hubby a couple days a week helping and taking interest in the food he grows for his family, help him to help both of you, ypu dont need to go to every family gathering, sounds like you have a good life, maybe hire a house cleaner to come in once per fortnight to do basics, feed the kids early and put them to bed, have dinner with your hubby and start to enjoy each other again, sounds like life and responsibility has got in the way
There is such a thing as working TOO much. It’s almost as if he’s working so much so he doesn’t have to be involved. Have you ever asked him why he works so much? Have you discussed any of this with him?
No excuses if he can do all that than he can manage to actually participate in the family. I work full time and when I’m not doing that I am dedicated full time to my kids and I run a business on the weekends and still have time for them and I have four from 2 to 13
A talk is definitely in order darlin…If he’s not interested in family things, then maybe he’s not interested in having a family either? We all work to much & loose our way sometimes? You need some well overdue you time! Maybe start doin things for you? Spa day? Movies with girlfriends? He doesn’t want to bother? you go ahead and do it without him? Any family help you with the kids? GL darlin!
He’s already checked out of the marriage and the family
You are NOT asking too much, but you need to bring these issues up with him. Neither of you appear to be happy. If he won’t discuss this, then find a therapist just for you. There’s some red flags I’m seeing & sensing, but then, this might have been the way he was brought up. Only way to get a better situation is to find out if that’s the case. He may not know there’s another way, let alone lots of other ways. Since he’s working all the time, he may not be reading all the books & articles that teach men & women how to be better spouses & parents. As for his days off & vacations spent working elsewhere, that’s a major red flag to me, even if that’s what he actually is doing. Workaholism is a killer. And when it doesn’t kill someone, it can become a trigger for his health to give out & become extremely burned out like I am. Trust me, it’s the pits for a type A personality.
Taking care of yourself is not selfish but a Must because if you breakdown everything will fall apart. If you cant ask him to help with the kids so you can have time off or rest get some budget to pay someone to take care of them for a while so uou can get yourself together. if you have enough rest and peace you get to think of solutions to other problems you have. Take it one step at a time and dont feel guilty if you think you deserve a little break.
These are things you need to address with your husband . Strangers can’t give real advice .
Great get basement dwellers and cat lady’s to give relationship advice
There is always to sides of a story.
Maybe he hasn’t accepted the fact the 4 yr old is special needs either
- He is working his butt off for the family.
- He may not be able to cope with having a special needs child in public (or at all, which might be why he is working so much & misses events)
- He does heavily rely on you to take care of the children, mama should have 1 down day a week. You need to talk to him about this.
- You guys need a regular romance day. Pick your frequency around his schedule. Maybe once a month take a family day where the 4 of you do something, & once a month you guys hire a sitter & do something just mom & dad no kids.
You guys need to reconnect.
As you say, you are having a hard time accepting that you have a special needs child, maybe he is too, men sometimes find this difficult to accept! Seriously do think you both need alittle family counseling and perhaps a date night just once a month starting off, get a babysitter and take baby steps towards a life that both of you can enjoy! Peoples expectations are generally the reasons that people break up or divorce! Marriage is a partnership and contract, unless there is violence or cheating, please stick it out, it’s hard work, and you guys seem in the thick of things! Dont give up, try speaking to him, texting him your thoughts, be kind in your words, sadly for men, it’s harder for them to express their thoughts, let alone express their feelings! And communication is important, but the healthy kind, not the accusatory nor demanding kind! Also remember what you need and want might be different to his, compromise is the glue to keep families together! Start small, grow your relationship/marriage with your husband again, together you both can find a new happier way forward! Might not be a bad idea to seek counseling for yourself initially, just to gather your thoughts, getting a cleaner in a few times a month, join some “mum” classes, get some support for yourself first, then help your partner! Remember also to be kind to yourself, we are in the middle of a global pandemic, global depression is a thing! Goodluck and be safe!
He “checked out” of the marriage a long time ago. I wouldn’t worry about him, trying to take the children away from you. He’s not really a “parent” anyway. He certainly doesn’t want the responsibility of them. Seek legal help-privately. Make a plan. You are already doing it on your own.
Write him a letter and act on his reaction either talk or walk
Women never happy… your kids come first not you
You pretty much answered your own questions. Your husband is purposely making himself busy in order to avoid you. He’s definitely not interested in you or his own children. I don’t understand why you don’t just leave him. Nothing is going to change or get better. You say you’re scared of losing your kids. Why is that?? Did you do something wrong that you failed to mention in your post?? That right there doesn’t make any sense.
I think this is very common sadly. Women often think well I do everything myself anyway, so why not do it alone, it sucks to “think” you have support but there really is none, but I don’t think he’d take the kids😄He wouldn’t know what to do with them sounds like. I would just start putting stuff on him like Oh, I have an appt. watch the kids Bye… And leave his butt to it. Sometimes people will let you do everything because you do. Simple as that. He won’t fight you for the reins tho, Just put them in his hands.
Your expectations are not too high, he shouldn’t be using his days off to work more. He should make more effort to spend time with you on your own and as a family with the children… I’m not surprised you’ve started to resent him. You should talk to him once the children are in bed and have a long, serious chat about how he’s making you feel and see if he’s willing to change, and make your mind up from there I would x
Sounds like He figures he is being a good husband and father because he provides is family.chances are he has no friends to associate with and nothing in common with the 9-5 guy.he probably has no hobbies and is exhausted by shortly after supper. He may not even know how to play/entertain the children that is his life 24/7/365 days a year…
Take small steps to introduce him to the concept of spending family time with you and children. Take him a cold drink when he is working in the field. Perhaps he could take your oldest on an extremely short tractor ride. Slowly teach him how to interact with his kids.
Run him a bath,have supper ready for him,and watch a show on tv or feed the kids early,then find something to entertain them so you and him can eat together
I remember those years with two small kids are really hard. Especially when you aren’t getting enough sleep.
I feel like you resent a whole lot of stuff right now and family life isn’t what you thought it was going to be. Maybe you’re finding it hard to let go of the single life, the trips and the fun and knuckle down to being a mother 24/7.
I don’t see this man changing. From what you say he sees his role as that of provider but he doesn’t like doing stuff with the kids or doesn’t have time. If he is a good man and you know it deep down, then it’s a marriage worth working on.
Think about you two as a couple and don’t underestimate date night even if it means a meal at home with kids in bed early.
What do you need? A tiny bit of time alone? How can you do that? Friends, family, a well paid sitter?
Other women with small kids would be so great to have in your life now. To talk, be friends, understand and go on outings together. You aren’t meeting these mums via daycare but you can meet them other ways. Church?
I’m not just saying ‘make the best of a bad situation’. Make a few changes, then see how you all feel.
To me it sounds like he really don’t care. Im so sick of hearing people say well he worked all day or maybe he doesn’t know how to accept a special needs child. Wtf, he needs to be there for his family. The mom never stops working, she doesn’t get to clock out and has no choice in being with her special needs child. Men need to quit getting given excuses for being a shit parent/spouse. I would sit down with him, lay it all out, make your decision based on his actions/reactions to that conversation.
Nothing changes IF nothing changes 
Divorce ASAP for your own well being…been their done that!!!
It’s hard to be so unhappy. But here’s the thing. We teach people how to treat us and what is okay. Right now you standing back resentful and unhappy, and wanting your husband to change. But people don’t change unless something isn’t working for them. This is working for him…rn why would he change? You are the one who needs to change. Pray about it, but then take action. Have a conversation, be upfront and outline how unhappy you are and that things cannot continue the way that they are. Then you need to take steps. Get a job, find a babysitter to take time for yourself. Make clear where you need help around the house and do not pick up his slack. At the end of the day you have to love and respect yourself if you expect that anyone else will.
Since there is always 2 sides to each coin, let me begin with you. I have been with my husband for 52 years, but every marriage is different.So, all I can tell you is from my experience. You have been married for 13 years- the honeymoon is long over. Now that you have children, that makes it more difficult to have the same level of intimacy that you had before. You get tired taking care of the kids all the time, so when he is home,it is really hard to hide that resentment. I don’t think your husband is oblivious to the fact that you are unhappy. Now, for your husband. He seems to be ignoring his family, for some reason. He may be having the same feelings you are. Everyone is looking for a fairy tale life, and it does not exist. Everyday life gets in the way. He needs to step up and be a Father now, but it appears he is not going to do it. When you add in the drinking-it becomes the perfect storm! Have you and him ever discussed this? Not argued, but really discussed this! I would start there. Find a sitter, make a reservation at a nice restaurant, and the two of you have a nice meal and discussion. Go to a restaurant that doesn’t sell alcohol. Be honest and let him know exactly how you feel. Being unhappy in a marriage is not acceptable. If you can not work this out, it may be time to move on. You have a right to be happy! You are not doing your kids a favor by staying in a loveless marriage. I wish you the best and hope you and him can work this out.
It’s clear he isn’t interested and work isn’t an excuse! People make time for who and what they want to. I’m pretty sure he isn’t working on Christmas or days you want him to do things with you and the kids like taking them to the zoo, parks or even family photoshoots? He is clearly showing you he does not care to have you or the kids around nor interested in being a husband and a father just because he supports financially doesn’t mean you should be grateful! Leave him
I’d get a divorce. If I’m doing it alone, I’ll do it ALONE alone.
You are NOT asking too much. He is not carrying his load with you/his kids/his family. YOU need time off too. He is being very selfish. Would life be better off with him or without him?
I’m so sorry! He’s having serious problems with the disabled child I’m afraid.
He is working hard.Spoil him in some way.He is jealous you give touch to kids and not him.
I would suggest marriage counseling and if he refuses then leave him. From the sounds of it you’ll get full custody of the kids and he’ll be paying child support. Everyone saying he’s working hard and needs spoiled is insane. You’re working harder than him caring for 2 kids, one of which special needs, exclusively by yourself 24/7. He should share some of the responsibility of the childcare. Honestly saying family pictures are stupid and a waste of time I feel like is probably a reflection of how he feels about the family. Sorry girl.
I was raised by a single mom we never went anywhere when I got married I didn’t expect my husband to go on family outings sometimes he did and sometimes he didn’t but he worked hard supporting our family so I could stay at home when I finally did go back I was exhausted after working all day I didn’t want to go anywhere either thank God for my nanny who did take them out to the park and walks etc. It’s hard working full time and being a parent you just gotta understand people are tired Start off small like make a picnic in the backyard walk around the block with hubby and kids on his day off plan a lunch out to Denny’s or whatever and I diy attend a wedding by myself back then I was angry but now I was glad to get out of the house and have fun with family and enjoy my evening start small and good luck
He is not a parent. You are their parent, he is just there. It seems like he fails to respect you and the children. His responses are selfish and immature. Id make it clear he is rude and being horrible. If he blows up ar you it shows it is time to leave.
You need family counseling. If he doesn’t agree, then you have your answer. Didn’t you discuss things prior to children?
I think it’s time you sit him down and talk . If he doesn’t have a bit of give and take them he needs to go your practical a single parent already xx
Worst thing in the world is to feel alone, when you’re not alone. I’d rather be alone if I were you. Some men aren’t good fathers or husbands and are too cowardly to just leave. Looks like he doesn’t want to be a father or husband- do him a favor (and yourself) throw him out. You’re already doing it all alone, only thing you’ll miss is his dirty laundry and maybe if he carried the grocery bags and girl you can get a cart for that. I did 18 yr with a man child who was exactly the same. No balls at all and just didn’t want to be a father or husband so I threw him out when his gf said she wanted him- turns out she didn’t after she seen how much he had to pay in child support. My kids lives been happier since- and so was mines.
I think you’re in extreme need of some me time and that comes with letting go a bit. Your husband works full time and is busy so he’s tired and your full time job is house hold. If you can get grandma or a babysitter lined up to help once a week. Give yourself a hug and maybe there can be some freedom
Alot of problems like this are due to lack of communication…as you get older and the longer you’ve been married the easier it is to get set in a pattern that maybe you dont realize isnt so healthy…all of us are prone to backslide a little and forget maybe why we fell in love in the first place. I would try communicating all this to him…letting him know how you really feel…and if he genuinely loves you and his children…he will make an effort to meet you in the middle…or at least to show he cares and that hes just been a little too preoccupied to see what’s going on. Then if he refuses to wanna work with you…maybe think about more dire circumstances. But in my opinion men and women think so differently about so many things, that communication is the key…sometimes you find that you both want the same things…you just have been going about it differently.
If a family photo is effing stupid… Please STOP reproducing with this BOY. What a childish man-boy you have. Use your smarts.
I was in same position, I had to leave as it was too much ,and I got on better myself being a single parent, you can do it,thinking of you x
Omg…you have way too much to do on your own…you might as well be on your own with your kids…having a family
Don’t try using religion in a means to make excuses for him.
Seems likes he’s checked out a long time ago.
He has already checked himself out of the relationship mentally. Physically will soon follow.
I would explain how u feel and ask him what his expectations are. Taking a 4yr old and 1yr old for family pictures is super stressful!! Can u guys compromise? He does stuff for u like the pictures & u do something for him that u don’t really want to do? Not talking about sex!! Lol
You sound selfish. You have a man that is providing for you and you can’t get that he’s struggling with the fact his kid is messed up?! Pretty sure you receive benefits for said kid, so get a sitter! You don’t mention anything about planning date nights or anything he might enjoy. It’s ALL you! Stop trying to keep up with the Jones’s and deal with the real issues here! Your husband is depressed! You need to open your eyes to reality and stop using your kids as a crutch to be a shitty human!
Beat him to the punch and leave. You can meet someone new and start a new life. You’ll pay child support and get visitation with the kids. He will step-up and be a Dad for once because he’ll have no other choice…and why not? Men do it all the time.
I get that you and the family need attention but it seems that he works hard trying to provide income since you don’t have to work. Is he tired? Talk to him about it. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we’re doing that he might not realize he’s hurting you.