I have to live with my brother and he is disgusting

I am an 18 year old girl who is arab, and as in most arab families i cant live alone, so I currently live with my 25 year old brother abroad as we both are in the same university. He is so messy to the point where it affects my mental health no matter how much I clean the literal next day the house is a trash he doesnt help at all or at least try to be clean and organized I tried to talk to him a lot but he would just start screaming at me and hurts my feelings, my dad also fought with him way tooo many times and nothing changed. He doesnt even wash a cup or throw out the trash and he stinks he doesnt shower for months (literally) and he so does not care about his appearance I feel ashamed to be seen in public with him. I cant move out or get and apartment of my own because I am an arab, but I also cant keep deep cleaning the whole house every day and am only 18 and My mother passed away when i was young so I literally take care of my family, am not asking him to clean or anything (which he should help with but thats not the main problem) I just want him to not get things messy so I dont have to clean everyday? What can I do to get him to be more clean and organized?
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I have to live with my brother and he is disgusting

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Can you move into a dorm and have a female roommate? You’d probably be a lot happier

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Start throwing all his trash, nastiness & dishes into his room! On the floor & his bed! Everyday. All day. Don’t stop.
Also, move out & find a female room mate & leave his ass with the dust mites :woman_shrugging:

I would break the Arab code and move out!!!

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Pathetic as it is, maybe try to find a reward system that he’d adhere to?

Kind of like a lab rat. You reward him with good behavior and he’ll eventually start doing things without having to be asked/rewarded. In theory…

Otherwise, perhaps find someone willing to help you clean up after him. Even pay someone once a week or so to take some of the stress off of you, if you’re able to.

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Throw all the stuff in his room. Right on his bed. Set body wash right on his pillow.

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I’m with Carolyn, break code… Do you!

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I would straight up tell my parents that since he is that way I want to get my own place/have them choose a family member or roommate of their approval to live with.

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Throw anything he’s messy with away.

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It’s her religion, she can’t just “break code” & it’s honestly super rude to keep suggesting it like it’s optional.

I would suggest seeing if you can find another trusted female you can live with. I would I also speak with your father & see if he has any suggestions since he is most familiar with your religion :blush:

Sweetie that is severe clinical depression. He needs a doctor. Mental illness is no joke

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I respect my family and their traditional ways. I’m Native American. I just learned that I am who I am and we are women. If something is messing with your mental health you have to deal with it ASAP! If your dad wants you to keep the tradition, he should live with you instead. He wants you to keep the Arab ways, he needs to do his part as an Arab father! :100: if it’s a big deal to your family and he doesn’t want you to lose that, he should support you! That is why tradition dies in this world now days!

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Some of you guys saying break code there are women dying because they break code

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Everyone who tells her to break Arab code must not understand that it could get her harmed or possibly killed. Their culture is way different and if they bring any type of shame or disgrace to the family it could cause her harm.

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I was going to ask if you can have female roommate(s) or if you have other family or friends near by?

And maybe see if you can get him to seek professional help as he may be having mental health (depression) issues…?

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I feel sad for you and you have every right to be angry…your brother of “25” is very lazy and you won’t break him from doing this…I think you have one or two choices here…speak with your father…and tell him your moving out but finding a female to live with instead…or break the Arab rules…that’s your only choices…your health is far more Important as a 18 year old young lady and your trying to move forward with your life…do this for YOU.

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It’s the 21st century! You have rights as well. Find your own apartment

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You are 18 so I think you are legally considered an adult and if you have the means to do it, move out. Check local grocery store bulletin boards and the newspaper for rooms for rent.

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It’s so easy for all of us to say break the code. We know nothing of what she goes through, or what breaking the code would truly mean. :pensive:

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Gather his trash and put it in his bed. Spray him with lysol. Lock the cabinets with the dishes so he can’t use them. There are sooooo many things.

Throw out everything you dont need. Get rid of anything he could make a mess with. He wont wash a dish, chuck it in the can.

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It sounds like your brother is clinically depressed as someone had said above. I don’t know How your culture feels about counseling or mental illness. But you may want to speak with your father as he is head of your family Yes? Talk, regarding your brother. The fact that hes not showering, caring, or anything is usually an indication of depression. Now as far as you, I would speak to your father and see if there is another way that you could live and be happy and still Follow your family values & customs. Wish you well

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Garbage bins everywhere?

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I think you should really talk to your father . While your customs should be respected , your brother should respect himself and his environment. Sounds like he is severely depressed . People with bad depression do not want to groom
Themselves or clean or do anything . He needs some psychiatric help ASAP .

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It looks like he is depressed. It is not normal not to take a shower for months. Also, if you’re not allowed to live alone, your father might consider letting you move to an apartment if you can find an Arab roommate.

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If you depend on your father financially you are stuck but if you’re on a scholarship or financial aid I say walk away… you are NOT responsible for him and if you fear for your life you need to seek help.

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Can you get a lock on a door or two so he can’t go in a room unless you open it for him and at least that part of the home will be clean? Can you shovel everything into his bedroom and close the door until he’s trapped in there? OK, probably not & he’s just yell at you. I’m so sorry. He sounds crazy, filthy and entitled.

Do you have any female friends who live with their male relatives where you could go to live or do you have to be with only your family? Can you live with your father instead? Can you get a visa to move to another country that is not so repressive? Maybe get someone on here to sponsor you? Can you get hold of a therapist you can talk to on the phone or computer to help you deal? What happened to your brother to make him so dysfunctional?

If it’s going to be forever, see if your dad or a matchmaker could arrange a marriage to someone decent, or would that restrict you forever after?

We need to create women ninja vigilante guerrilla warfare squads to rescue women in oppressive countries. 🥷

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Does he have a depression or mental health problem? Have you asked him why he doesn’t clean. Like in a calm non attacking way? If you guys can get to the root of the problem you can start looking for a solution. He has to want to get better though.

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Umm since your Arab I think your only option is to make a request to your father for a different living arrangement? Maybe ask him to find you a husband I guess idk how that works but your asking the internet for a answer that we can’t give you seeing as even though your adult your not really allowed to make your own decisions based off your post’s description. :woman_shrugging:t3:

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I don’t know where specifically you are so not sure if this is something you can actually do safely but if you can just leave and live on your own. Just because your culture says you cant doesn’t mean you cant. If you can’t do this then I’d say stop cleaning up after him. Just make sure your space is clean and let him fend for himself.

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I would find a female friend to move in with and leave your brother high and dry. You can’t change him. In fact I worry if you keep pushing he could get violent. Not because you’re Arab but guys that act like this in general tend to be Incels. Your father seems unhappy with his mistreatment of you so I doubt he would blame you for separating yourself from a toxic situation. If he does and you’re in the UK or USA you can seek help to get protection from retaliation.

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I’d throw a fit and give him an ultimatum. Doesn’t matter age race or anything. Self respect :100: he’s not a kid anymore

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Cut him off…it will stop. :thinking:

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Start using paper products to help with clean up. Less dishes you can at least throw them out.

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Throw some black rice and say it’s rat shit

There are sooo many men like that. Some husband’s and boyfriend’s… they are filthy animals… sorry for you.

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Some of you are not understanding how some Muslim cultures are. Women are not allowed the freedoms we have …some cannot leave their homes without a man, either husband or family member Walking with them. If they did they would be beat or worse. I feel so bad for women in this culture to not be free… this is what’s happening in Afghanistan right now after 20 years of freedom, now women are hiding and covering up completely… needing to be walked everywhere like a dog. It’s sad. I feel sad for her more that she has to wait to be married to basically get away from her brother but will never truly know freedom from man. I say…. Leave that lifestyle get your own life… move to a country that you can be free. If possible. If nothing you can do … scream
Back at the pig act crazy and tell Him you can’t take it anymore … tell him people have told you he smells … and lastly tell your father if he doesn’t get you a new room mate you’re marrying someone outside you’re religion :joy: that may make him move. Good luck!

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How about leave his mess everywhere bring company over and humiliate him in front of your friends or a girl he likes.

Tell him that you believe he is depressed and you must speak to your father about his mental state. He needs help, now. He needs to see a Dr. Maybe try to talk to him why he’s so depressed. In the mean time get paper plates and disposable dishes? Talk to your father about a different family roommate?

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If you live in the USA you are free to do what you want. If your culture says you have to live with ur brother then you should live for free if treated like property.

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Get him a girlfriend ,he’ll probably shower &clean then

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Hbibti I feel your pain as my father was the same your age… Mashakeel

Kick him out. You are in USA now

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Living with a person non compliant with hygiene is an unacknowledged social issues Praying your situation resolves.

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Move out, don’t tell him where you’re going so he can’t follow you. If you’re in the US now, you’re not obligated to raise your parents’ man-child. You’re totally allowed to say goodbye, or not…that’s up to you.

Thats a tough situation. If i were in your shoes, I’d start throwing all his stuff away that he leaves out or throwing everything in his room, scattered everywhere. The less he has, the less he destroys. The more he destroys the more crap that piles up in his room also. I mean everything. Throw his dirty plates and cups in his room too. He wants to live like a slob, take the pig pen to his bedroom :woman_shrugging:t4:

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Since you both are at the same University, do you know your brothers college advisor? Maybe you could ask the counselor to ask him to meet and then they could give him some hygiene advice, Does your brother go to classes in person or on line? They could say generically there have been a few comments made about his self care and they are concerned. A few comments here gave practical advice concerning clean up and paper products would help with that. Also, it was mentioned he may be depressed. That is a possibility especially if he didn’t grieve your mom’s passing enough or is having troubles transitioning to college life away from your dad. As far as your space, I would only clean my bedroom and when you use the bathroom and his clothes are laying around, leave them in a pile or throw them on his bed. I’m assuming you have two completely separate bedrooms with a door. Put all his stuff in his room and close the door.The only real pressing areas that need wiped down daily are the kitchen counters, table, the cooking area. Be easier on yourself and let a few things go. Only take care of the necessities. It is your university experience too as well as your course work demands to do. It is best not to grow resentful.

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Don’t stay there leave. Tell him he is a adult not a child and you need help to clean up. Don’t worry heaps of families encounter the same problems like yourself. I have family members who are lazy and drive me nuts.

Maybe try taking him out to get a haircut & some new clothes & try getting him out of the house when you can to help him make some friends. If he makes more friends & starts caring about his hygiene more then you might have better luck having him care more.

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Can you move in with another female

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I disagree with the depression theory. I live with a person that has the same issues as her brother. She never cleans, cooks, or anything. She uses all her income(after her bills) to gamble. She is in her mid 70’s but in good health. Been like that for YEARS. No chance of changing.

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Put trashcans next to everywhere that he sits and any of his belongings he leaves out bag it up, put it in a closet eventually he wont have much more to lay around everywhere. As for the showering goes, umm get some febreeze and spray him down all day. Not sure how it’s so difficult to take a shower once in a while.

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Is there another family member u could live with instead have u spoken to ur dad to speak to him maybe

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You can’t live alone for your safety or because they feel they need to own you or use you for cleaning etc?

Why not move in to the dorm ?? You would not be alone then…only going to the university. Give him time to work on himself and hopefully see where he needs help.

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Hes treating you like a slave. I understand the cultural issues but he shouldn’t treat you like this. Put all his mess in his room and don’t clean anything! Just keep putting dirty dishes, etc in his bedroom so you don’t have to look at it. Btw, I know a few young Arabic women who live on their own. Your dad can choose to let you live alone…

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Remove all the dishes but 1 cup, 1 plate etc per person. Keep yours washed and locked away.

Also paper, foam or plastic products no more disposable kitchen items.

It helps add to the mess.

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Tbh I would be inviting all my friends and embarrassing him. Sounds like an actual pig of a man (mostly boy)
Remove all dishes and lock away personal ones for yourself. He can buy his own then- and don’t you dare clean them for him.
Lock away all toiletries of your own- including toilet paper- takes yours with you each time.
Once he has nothing to use- maybe he will learn? But I doubt it

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Get your dad to Hire a part time cleaner.

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Sounds like he’s suffering from severe depression! It’s not normal to live like that and to not bathe! :nauseated_face:

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Make a video of him being a hog and not showering. When he has company over or put it on Facebook so your family can see it. Just maybe he will get embarrassed and change his ways. Good luck

You can’t embarrass someone who just doesn’t care lol she literally said he goes out in public a certain unsatisfied way. He’s not depressed, some ppl are just plain lazy and don’t care about personal hygiene. If I were you I would only clean your own space and after yourself. Yes it sucks but you’re making it harder on yourself and easier for him.

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Paper everything
Plates
Cups
Everything.

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Tell him to stop being a lazy ass and pull his finger out and get his shit together

Take cheese and hide it in his room. The smell will get to be so bad after a few days. He may change his ways.

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Hi, arab here,
A couple things you can do

  • if you have separate rooms, make your room your haven, and leave the rest to him. Do your studies in there, eat in there, keep it clean to your standard. Whatever is outside is not your business
  • second to that: stop cleaning after him. Really stop, as much as it hurts
  • if you have a conversation, and he starts to badmouth you or shout at you, begin by saying “i will not be spoken to that way, if you continue to yell/call me names/be rude i will not participate in this conversation” and walk away if need be, basically set boundaries on how you expect to be treated
  • another way to set boundaries is to lay ultimatums and actively follow through (e.g. if you don’t clean up after yourself i won’t be cooking for you any longer)
  • if you don’t feel safe, or you cannot live that way or can’t find a solution LEAVE, i know it’s hard. Find some lady house mates and live with them, it’s allowed. Have an honest talk with your dad if you have a good relationship with him. If he loves you he will understand.

Remember habibti, he is not your responsibility; how he acts is not your responsibility. YOU are HIS responsibility, he owes you his guardianship and he is not fulfilling that appropriately. You cannot change the way a person is, you can only change things for yourself. If it means to leave then Allah ma3ik, you are not leaving because you’re say3a dhay3a, you are leaving for your mental and physical wellness; this is allowed. All the best x

You said he doesn’t shower for months. If that’s true he has mental health issues. I’m sad for you. I wouldn’t worry about saying you’re Arab as that’s no excuse. MOVE OUT.

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Need to know more. How religious is your family? Do they basically follow all the Arab laws?

Normally id say move out…but I know that’s impossible for you.
Is there another male relative you can stay with ?
If not…then id stop cleaning for him. Do your own laundry , cooking, washing etc. Clean what you need to use and leave the rest.
Neither of you are elderly or infirm. I know tradition is a big thing in your life and youve been brought up differently but you are not his slave…even if hes treating you like one
Reasonable cleaning /cooking etc would be considered youre responsibility…being female …but not this nonsense

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He needs help. Something is mentally wrong with him.

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I’m sorry about your culture .
But you need to move on
You are in USA .
Its Not healthy for you and your dad should see that.
If he can’t help you.
Than.move on this is a free country.
As of now.
Who knows down the road

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Is there not a female only dorm you can live in?

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Can you live with anyone else (Dad)? I would not want to live how you’re living as he’s taking advantage of it. I’d start throwing things away and be a minimalist. Your brother sounds gross :nauseated_face: and should clean after himself!

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Gross he’ll never ever find or get a woman like that🤢

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Leave some rice like it’s rat :poop:. Maybe he’ll clean after that

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I have to live with my brother and he is disgusting

I have no idea what to do about it if you have already tried taking to him. I hope it gets better for you fast. I can’t imagine living this life style.

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Find somewhere else to go… I get you can’t live alone, but there’s gotta be someone else you can stay with…

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Make a chore chart.
Literally get rid of all dishes. Have colored set for the both of you. You each take care of your own color. If he doesn’t have a clean cup. Then he’s gotta wash one :woman_shrugging:t2: designate laundry days for the both of you.

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Has he always been like this?? If not, then he could be depressed.

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Can you get taken in by an aunt and uncle? :woozy_face::purple_heart:

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It sounds like he might need to be evaluated mentally.

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Move to a country that believes in freedom… they are everywhere all over the world…Don’t subscribe to that cult bullshit that says you can’t live alone…your a grown ass woman and can do what you want to

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What about a roommate? Do you have to live with a family member or just not live alone? I’m sorry you are going through this.

Get a baseball bat and show him what’s up.

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Do you have to live with a family member or just another person? You might be able to just find a roommate?

What I would do is talk to him one more time give him one more chance to change if nothing then everything piece of garbage you find every dirty dish left out every dirty clothes left on the floor throw on to his bed everything I don’t care if it’s a bowl of cereal put it on his bed he clearly has no problem being disgusting so why would this be any different and then you do not have to live with it eventually he will either have to clean his room and bed or buy new or have mold growing in a few days and get sick (not that I am wanting that at all) but giving you the chance to throw everything nasty or disgusting in any way and tell him to replace it or learn to clean and promise that you will do this every single time he will eventually get tired of replacing things some people truly need tough love we need alot more of that now a days with our kids

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Don’t clean after him
Get paper plates plastic forks and spoon.

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I would get disposables for him

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You CAN get your own apartment. Because you are an Arab shouldn’t mean restricting you from basic liberties. I’ve been to Egypt and my best friend is Muslim, and I will say they treat women like shit and SHAME ON THEM, on THEM, NOT YOU!

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Stand up for yourself!!!

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I’d suggest finding a female roommate. He isn’t going to change and since he yells at you whenever you bring it up he doesn’t even care to try.

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Use something he cares about or someone he looks up to.

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Maybe you should think how bad he is and don’t do anything! Don’t clean don’t wash a dish no nothing! Is going to be a sacrifice but it must be done! Just when you need a glass or a bowl you can wash to use but not clean after! He is counting on your status of you not having sanity! But for a while live like this abd see how it goes! Have your room be clear of him with a lock and your sanity!

Sounds like a mental health issue, depression ptsd ect, maybe try convincing him to get some help or therapy to get to the bottom of his issues

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It is probably so hard to be a woman and arab, whether in oppressing countries or not. The whole culture seems to treat you “lower” no matter what… His behavior says lack of respect. Im so sorry.

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Boys are treated like little prince’s in Arab countries so don’t know any different as adults

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