When I was 17, I got knocked up by a friend. We were both in other relationships, so for 11 years, I never dreamed he was the father. It just wasn’t even a possibility in my mind. We both moved on, he is happy with a family of his own, and we live 2200 miles apart. I recently found out through ancestry that he is indeed the father. I’m torn on what to do or how to go about it. On the one hand, the guy is happily married with two kids. I’m a single mom now, my youngest went to live with his dad, and it’s just me and my oldest. I don’t want money; I don’t want to ruin his family. I want my son to know where he comes from. I see his wondering, and I answer his questions the best I can, but now that I actually know, I feel like a horrible person for withholding this information. He definitely has a right to know, but I also don’t want to risk losing my only other child. What if he chooses him, a loving stay at home dad over a mom who works all the time. And would that even happen. I feel like he has a better chance of developing a good relationship now at 12 instead of 18, but I don’t even know how to start the conversation with his dad. We haven’t talked since I was 17. He doesn’t even know about him.
Let him know your not looking for anything, but do let him know privately. You want to give him the chance to at least know his child, and if he doesnt well then thats on him.
dont have advise but sending hugs.
Tell the guy before your child. And be sure to tell the child that the dad never knew about him.
The father needs to know! I am 52 and have no clue who my father is, this was my moms choice not mine.
Better fix now.you will not be forgiven.
Tell the dad…just tell him and let a relationship develop the way it is ment to be!
Tell the guy he could be the dad and establish a DNA test to be sure. Then tell your son once confirmed and established that the guy in fact wants to be in your son’s life. He may very well not want to open than can of worms and disrupt his life.
I would get paternity test done first and be 100% sure
100% tell him and if his wife or new family are any type of actual family they will 100% support this. Your son has a right to know and knowing where a man comes from is a huge part of societal conditioning and I think that it would be really good for him.
Leave the guy alone - or at least do an actual DNA test and write him a letter
Tell the father, and then the child. If your child wants a relationship with him, that is wonderful!! He is at an age where boys start needing that male connection. Maybe pen pals at first 
HONESTY!!! The father and child both have a RIGHT to know.
You need to reach out to your friend immediately and tell him what you found out. Proceed only after you have the information if he wants to have a relationship with his bio dad.
I would definitely tell him and let him choose to be in the child’s life or not
what if the father does one of those dna tests or one of his kids
It would just be better coming from you than a 3rd party source
You owe it to your son to let him know who is father really is. See this too many times on paternity court where the mom completely rules out the other potential father because she didn’t want the fact that she sleep with multiple guys to come out. Tell him.
Wait to tell both of them until your son is 18.
This is no longer about you. It’s about the child and the effect things have on his developing person and his future self concept. Both you and his biological father know you were together, so it’ll be shocking to Bio. father, but not impossible to comprehend. The truth should always prevail. I’m glad you’re overcoming your denial. Best to you.
I would let the biological father know ASAP, especially considering that you found out by way of Ancestry. There’s the possibility that someone in his family could find out the same way, and that would not reflect to well upon you. Just be honest with him and talk it out and go from there.
i went through this, told my daughter the truth and she even met her bio dad and siblings, no one will ever replace her daddy (my husband) but she was glad to know the truth and meet her family.
I’m a bit confused. So who did you think his father was? Sounds like there may be 2 men you need to notify. But only after a DNA test so that you’re positive.
Tell the truth, start with the alleged father.
Unless you do a DNA on him and the child you don’t know for sure he’s the dad!! Start with a DNA test to make sure before you start disrupting everyone’s life!!
Tell the dad asap. You should of told him 11 years ago.
contraceptions anyone? 
why are you wanting him in your ir your kid’s life for?
if you are not looking for anything, you will be starting a major issue n drama in his life, if you care about him wait until your child is 18 to tell him, but i’m still not sure what goodwill bring as he didn’t even know he had a child n this will affect his marriage, his children ( step siblings for your child), etc.
if i was to find this out about my husband i would be devastated for our marriage, even if it wasn’t his fault or he didn’t know, it does change things .
Tell the friend. Let things develop from there.
As a person who grew up never knowing her birth mom and sister of someone who never knew their birth father, your kid has the right to know everything you can share about his father. Whether he admits it or not he is curious. And he deserves to know whether dad wants in his life or not. Hes old enough.
If I’m rite you are talking about the DNA that is done thru Ansestry? If so you need to tell him because other family members will find out. The same situation is happening in my family thru Ansestry as well. Just be honest about it because they both have the rite to know the truth.
You need to reach out to this man. Immediately. I’m not sure of that conversation opener cause we all know it’s all gonna suck at first. But honesty is all you have to fall back on. You just found out-so you can’t afford to waste any time for either of them if he is interested in developing a relationship with him.
Talk to the potential dad. Ask for a DNA test and dont tell the child anything until the results are 100% confirmed he is his father
The truth hurts…but only once…lies hurt over and over again…your son has the right to know the truth…he will understand…it will explain more than you can image…to not know is unfair to him
Did you child call and love you ex like dad? It sounds like for 11 years he looked to the other man as dad. Genetics don’t always make a dad! My stepdad ( hate that term) and my husbands stepdad were our dads! Did/does your ex love him as their own? I have so many questions it’s the child psychologist part of me I’m worried about how your child will react
Tell him! I was in your shoes! We are waiting for DNA test, but we both know he is the dad!
Tell the father first then tell your son l feel his wife should not have nothing to say because he did not know you were pregnant and this happened years before he and she got married
Whoever is writing these stories deserves an award!
Seriously what the heck is wrong with everyone saying not to disrupt his life and leave him alone?! If that’s his child, he deserves to know and if that’s the child’s father then the child has a right to know. If the father doesn’t want anything to do with it then that’s HIS loss. But don’t deny either of them the right to know the truth. That’s unfair and selfish.
My daughter was in this situation. It created quite a shit show but she ripped that bandaid off and came clean. Her daughter met her bio dad, and his two boys. She is happy and very well adjusted and living with the dad who raised her from birth. To be honest, it has been harder on my daughter than my granddaughter. I wish you clear thinking and strength.
Tell them both the truth!
Tell your friend exactly that “I don’t want money, I don’t want ruin your family, I want my son to know where he came from and who is family is”
That’s all you can do. After that it’s up to him.
Your son deserves to know the truth. Everyone does. I’d hate to know that I have a grandson out there that I don’t even know.
Talk to friend/bd then get a DNA then tell son then go from there stop the what ifs
If you found out through ancestry people get notified when they get new matches for family members. My grandmother at 80 found out her dad wasnt her dad and has half sisters and brothers she never knew about. So someone in his family already knows. Better off just being upfront and honest and go from there, before someone else does it for you.
Your son can do an Ancestry.com DNA test & find out eventually. You should call the old friend and let him know, then tell your son.
This is about your son. Youre acting super selfish not informing the father he has as son and giving the chance to let a relationship flourish because youre scared. Not cool at all. He deserves to know his father and vice versa
I would not tell my son until I have talked to the man. I see no sense in opening your son up to the possibility of rejection and all the pain that would cause. If the guy wants to at least meet his son, do an actual DNA test and THEN tell your son.
Honesty is the best way then you have no regrets ,call father r get in touch n talk it over with him maybe you both can talk to your son n figure out what to do next??
I would suggest getting a family counselor instead of social media. This is a very big decision, a life changing one, and a professional can help you go over everything privately, before talking with your son. I wish the best for you and your child threw this… I’m sure it’s soo hard and confusing… prayers sent for clarity! 
Bottom line is you both created a child. You chose to have sex. Now you need to own up to the consequences of your choice. They both have a moral, ethical, and legal right to know. Good luck.
Shame on ALL of you judging this woman for something that took place when she was 17! Unless you’ve lead a PERFECT life you have no room to JUDGE!!
First of all please be considerate of your sons mental health. You should by all means tell the biological father first. Let him gage where it goes from there. You made this mess and must let him decide. If his wife and family would be devastated by this then you need to leave it be. Maybe it would be best for them to meet in adulthood. Is his current dad in the picture and do they have a good relationship? If so let sleeping dogs lie. He may understand best as an adult. Think like he was an adopted child.
Contact the potential dad and explain that you know that the other man is not your sons father as proven by a DNA test.explain to him you need a DNA test done to prove parentage in case of a medical emergency,and to help you get. Medical information that your son may need. Until you have positive proof I wouldn’t say anything to your son. Once parentage is proven then it is time to have a talk with your son about his conception and share what information you have. Do not wait any longer to find the answers the faster you can discuss it with your son the better.he will resent you if you do not tell him and as for losing custody it is highly unlikely since the dad has no past history with the child
They both deserve to know the truth.
I would certainly want to know if I had a child out there somewhere. Give the man and his son a chance!
This happened to me. I hate my mother for not telling me the truth And living a lie. She told me at 16.
And my dad wanted in my life.
I still don’t speak to my mother.
Js. Be honest with everyone. They’ll respect you for it.
Good luck.
The truth will set you free…the father and the Son have every right to know about each other…get all your DNA info together then go and do the right thing…
Just tell him, you both grown now, you both know what u did, and how it happens. If hes happily married he may be a good man, all the more reason to put this good man in the presence of his son. Visa versa. U ain’t gonna break. Nothin up, wasnt no torrid love affair. Especially if u ain’t looking for money. Even if u were the boy needs to know his dad. U tell the dad just like u told us. So… I just found out, back when we were kids, sorry to spring it on ya, but here’s your blessing. Meet ur wonderful son! Good luck ma! It’ll be ok. U did nothing wrong!
Also, a good man will automatically take care without the asking. Financially even if he buys him dem Jimmy’s they for him. Gives him money for his pocket. It’s all good.
Tell them both. They deserve to know and if he is a decent human things will be ok
I would tell the father first and see how that goes. If it doesn’t go well, then I would wait until your son is older to tell him.
Why would anyone put this on Facebook a question for Mother an Father to work out togeather it most certainly does not matter what the rest of the world thinks!!!
You need to figure out in your heart what is the right thing to do.
You are not responsible for his father’s life.You both created a child and you never knowingly withheld that either.The most important person in this is your son.If I were in your shoes I would contact the father,perhaps by letter or phone and tell him the situation.If he wants to have a relationship with his son you have no right to deny your son that chance especially for selfish reasons.On the other hand if his father is hostile then do not tell your son until he is old enough to handle that information.Theres no happy option for you I’m sorry,as mums we need to put our children before ourselves that’s the way it should be.Longterm your son will realise either way you only done what you thought best…good luck I hope everything works out xx
You son and the biological father both deserve to know. My son’s father had a hereditary genetic neurological disease (Spinal Cerebellar Ataxia type 2) which he nor I new about at the time of conception. Had I not let him know he had a son our son would have never been tested for it. My son was 21 when this happened. His biological father passed away 6 years later. I’m grateful my son got to know his Dad and vice versa…my son tested positive for the SCA2 he is now a part of a study group at NIH in hopes of finding a cure.
Give the father the news now, believe me it will be better for all concerned. I know I didn’t meet my real father til I was 16 .
I’d just let things stay as
They are do you want to
Break up his marrage
Good luck
Your story doesn’t make sense.
It’s important for so many reasons because health problems could arise that he inherited from his biological father’s side. I say that because my son is Type 1
Don’t reveal the identity of the biological Dad yet. You have no idea how this news will impact the biological father. He might be so protective of his existing family that this may not be good news to him. He might reject your son because he would assume this would upset his family. My suggestion is that if you decide to tell him, send the ancestry test result to his business or work address out of consideration for his family as he may not be ready to tell them. Tell him why you are doing it that way. Make it clear you are not demanding anything, but that you thought he should know. Let him know you are leaving it up to him to decide if he wants to meet your mutual son. Don’t build up your son’s hope of meeting this man, because you don’t know how this will go.
Find yourself a new Relationship, and go for it.
Someone who will love you and your son.
Ex.British Army and veteran
As a father he have that right to know and as for your child it is the child’s right as well to know and you as a mother , you have no every right to deprive both to know the truth and both of them be keep in the dark , do the right thing to do and if you are worried about his own family and you don’t want to end up breaking their family , then you can tell him with her being there too and it’s up to her to wether accept it or get upset about it , the truth must be spoken for all the people who are involve can have understanding that it is what it is and it needs to be face
Now is the BEST time! Explain the situation, ancestry.com identified he is the biological FATHER. And discuss the items in your comment and any other concerns (health issues, etc.). He has the MORAL right to know.
This message is so confusing lol
Ummmmm I don’t think it’s right to keep child from father no matter how scary the introduction may be…
The truth might not hurt.
He has the right to know who his father is and the father has a right to know he has a son
Reach out. Honestly being older, if a women who I was with in my younger days had a child by me and I didn’t know, I would open them with open arms.
What I would do is contact his father and start off by catching up and then after a few days bring up that night and explain that for the longest time you though the other guy was his father but after doing Ancestry, you find out he’s the father BUT you don’t want money or anything, you just felt that he and your now 12 yr old needed to know the truth.
Tell him. Its the right thing for everyone.
I think I would reach out who cares if he has a family of his own, you son was there first and he should be excepted.
I feel like I’ve seen this on a lifetime movie once lol
If you found out on ancestry don’t they automatically let other relatives know if a new one pops up? I’d let ancestry tell him for you 
Reach out the outcome can only be what’s right. Mad or sad you owe only your son
It’s only right that your son and his dad know the truth then it’s up to them what happens next but you shouldn’t keep them apart any longer they have already lost precious time they can never recover don’t let any more time slip away because your son may resent you for it when he finds out you knew the truth An didn’t tell him…
Reach out they both have a right to know…
How does ancestry determine he is the father? I’m confused.
Reach out to him, he has the right too know as well as your son. He might want a dna test but thats normal. Things might work out better than you think
Your an ignorant cunt you should have found out when he was younger. Also how would ancestry determine he is the father without a DNA test 
Everything happens for a Reason. Every Child is a Blessing. Your Son loves you! However both the Child and the Father have a right to know the absolute truth. Everyone deserves to know where they come from. And this man has already lost 11/12 years with a child he didn’t know existed. Reach out the father to have a much needed private conversation. Call his job if you have to and ask him to call you when hes available to speak with you alone.
Do it and don’t overthink this. It doesn’t matter if the man has a family or not. This is his child and he has a right to know and the opportunity to make him part of his life… Life is short and no one knows how long they have on this earth, you, your child or this man could easily pass away and then there would be a whole lot of regrets and confusion and time that can’t be replaced … its already been to long.
Definitely reach out to the father. And please update us!!!
I would get an actual dna test done.
You “had no clue who the father was”?
You found out through one of those ancestry type tests?
Stop being selfish!!! If you don’t come clean now and they find out later you have been withholding, guess what might really happen?
Grow up!
Great advice had already been given so I’m curious now. Did you send in your 12 year old son’s DNA to ancestry? That just seems so unfair to him to violate his privacy in that way.
Also what about the Man that thinks this is his child?? Dosen’t your child already think he has a Father??? Obviously he will need be notified too.
I would definitely find a way to talk to the father and let him know what you found out. Then I would talk to my son. And explain to him how you found out (so he doesn’t feel like you have been lying to him) and go from there.
They deserve to know…
Wow. That’s a unique story! I’d definitely let your friend know. His wife shouldn’t be too upset cuz it was way before her and you had no idea. Good luck!
You never know though this father may not want to be involved…
And all this time being past for sure it could very well ruin his happy family life…
As a woman if some chick popped up saying " Hey be dad this kids yours " I would snap … Many woman are different but brace yourself…
Get a DNA before you ruin someone
I think from your opening line of… “ I got knocked up” “ and “ we were both in other relationships” that you only have one child living with you that you are going to do the wrong thing yet again and ruin an entire other families happiness because you are “ YOU “ 
How can ancestry determine paternity…