I have a 4 & 5 year old boys. I never wanted to spank them… but my husband didn’t agree. He didn’t listen to me or read anything I tried to get him to read. And we were really young parents and very busy also. Not that it’s an excuse. But we started spanking our kids. I finally got through to him about gentle parenting and he is realizing that spanking is wrong and it’s not working. But I feel so guilty and I feel like we created a bad relationship with them. What would your advice be for us, who have spanked our kids in the past, and tried time outs, but want to fully change or Parenting techniques? We talked to our kids and apologized and told them we were wrong and we won’t be spanking them anymore. We are having constant power struggles since we welcomed a new baby 8 months ago. I know now that spanking causes children not to trust their parents and can lead to mental health problems. How can I fix this ?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I know I have made mistakes and I already have a ton of guilt so telling me how wrong I have been is not helpful
The only problem that arises from spanking kids is that they grow up respecting others and their property. Know what they cannot get away with. And most likely teaches them that if you mess up there will be repercussions to deal with. Which will most likely keep them out of jail. And I mean spank on the bottom not beat the kid. There is a difference.
Make rules explain the consequences to them and Follow Through! Example: pick up toys and put them away. If they don’t with one reminder then you put the toys in a plastic bag and put in the trunk of your car . Even if they beg. Do this with all their things. No arguing, no raised voice. Rules, consequences action. Then it’s up to them. Keep all snacks out of the house. Make it a special treat that they have to eat before they get home. God bless you
We sat our kids down and talked about rules and consequences. Then we asked them to help come up with a list of what their consequences would be and reward chart.
100% against spanking. As parents we are learning too and at least you recognized that it’s wrong. My boys are the same exact age and I know the frustration you must be going though. For us time outs work and gives them time to cool off on their own. Also, keeping your kids busy with activities really helps. Have them wash dishes, fix your pantry, make you dinner with play doh, play doctor, etc…I have tons of free ideas and activities you can do. Every day my boys are doing something to keep them busy and avoids them fighting with each other. Also, I’ve learned that with power struggles it’s best to negotiate to give them a voice too. Feel free to PM me, I’d love to share my experiences.
This is a touchy subject because some parent are against and some are for spanking. I’m not against it but I don’t judge does who are. You discipline your child the way you see fit.
I was spanked as a child, it showed me discipline, I respected my parent and knew if I did something wrong there would be consequences.
I personally don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
As far as the new baby in the picture, try getting the older ones involved with shower time or playing with the baby time. Or, when doing something with the baby you can say to the older ones things like “when you was a baby I did this to you too.” And give them stories of when they were babies.
Time and personal accountability. Apologizing is the first step, and a good one. You taught a positive lesson there alone, that when people make mistakes, they take responsibility.
Learning to apologize to your child is important. It teaches them that you are human and make mistakes, and that they deserve respect and that their feelings are valid. It sets them up for healthier relationships in the future. Good job there.
I really suggest parenting classes. There is nothing wrong or to be ashamed of in taking them. Kids don’t come with manuals.
But it will help you learn healthy and effective discipline techniques along with other helpful info, like important milestones, good nutrition, age appropriate responsibilities and communication skills.
I didn’t spank my children. My parents didn’t spank my siblings or I either. It was consistency and still having consequences, which worked pretty good. . I think it’s up to the parents . Guilt for not being perfect is a waste. Doing our best is all there is.
I do time in which is instead of sending a child to their room they get to help mom with something of mom’s choice or dad’s like help mom plant flowers, help mom with dishes. Also it’s good for the kids to know what is expected of them.
Girl you haven’t broken your relationship with you kids or their mental health, they are still pretty young being 4 & 5, but I know that guilt & awful feeling after spanking your kids, because I use to do the same when my boys were around that age, and that’s why I stoped. Now they’re even 16 & 12, they love their mama, and their mental health is fine. Keep your promise not
If you feel like you need more support and want to better your relationships the best thing to do is find a therapist. That way you and your children have a safe space to vent frustrations and someone to help you through the transitioning process
Use the alternative way and keep loving on them, and your boys will be fine.
Y’all enjoy see them in prison one stop and think about it I had my share of spanking and respected my parents for it
Honestly my mom spanked us. And I don’t think it caused any mental issues now that I’m adult.
I have a 5yr old son and when he started crawling and touching things he wasn’t supposed he would get a small tap on the hand. I would say no, and he still wouldn’t listen. Can’t ground a 1-2 year old and you can’t explain to them why it’s a good/bad choice. So I would tap him on the hand and it would work.
Now he’s 5 the most I have to do is raise my voice. When he gets bad reports back from school he gets grounded but bc he’s older it hurts him more not being able to watch TV or play with toys.
I think, especially with boys that you need to establish “dominance” I guess you would say, early on so later you have the kid listening and knowing there will be consequences for their actions.
I will say though, advice I can give from experience is Actions speak louder than words. If a kid says a bad word, you popping them in the mouth will be more memorable than you just saying they can’t. And I’m not saying beat your kids either. A light smack on the hand or pat on the butt or maybe flick in the mouth isn’t going to give them long term mental health issues. Your raising kids in a cruel, fucked up world. Make sure they at least got a back bone. Again, I’m no expert this is all my opinion from my experience as a mom and as a kid who was disciplined with spanking or the belt.
There’s nothing you can do now, even though you’re absolutely wrong for spanking them like you were. You did what you could do, which is apologize. You’re doing so much good by apologizing to them. Most parents dont think they should or need to apologize to their kids, but you just taught them a valuable lesson in apology. All you can do is keep saying you’re sorry, show endless amounts of love, and keep sticking with real discipline. I have also been doing gentile parenting, I’m telling you, it works SO MUCH BETTER than hitting your kids or yelling or whatever. Trust me. It takes awhile, but it’s worth it. Dont let anyone tell you hitting your kids is okay, because its not.
Ur way forward, is change…if u show them that url have changed and dont beat them up anymore, they will start to trust u again.
However, dont break dat trust again, cos then u askin for trouble.
Kids will be naughty, der will be times dat they might need abit of a spank, but, since url have told dem that there will be no more hitting, find a solution now
Make a chart for stickers or something and if they behave they get to use them on the chart and get rewarded for obeying. If they misbehave, keep trying timeout and talking and take away stickers if they continue. I watch super nanny and I love her, I’ve learned so much from watching her shows
Raising children is a constant challenge. Just when you think you might have it figured out, tomorrow comes and is back to square one.
There have been so many debates over the spanking issue, with valid arguments by both sides, that it’s such a personal choice. Regardless, discipline IS important.
The best advice I can give (after over 30 years of being a parent), is do what is best for you and your family. Find a method of discipline that works for you. Discuss it with your children. They are old enough that they should have an understanding of consequences in the simplest terms. Basically, “if you do or don’t do something, this is what will happen”. Given their ages, I would give them a warning though; a chance to correct their behavior before consequences.
Spank or not if ur children r disrespectful nip it and as long as it works do what u feel is right
Spanking does not lead to Mental health is used correctly, Bad parenting is what leads to bad children, Pull them up when they are disrepectful, spank as a last ditch resource
Take a deep breath. You are fine, they are fine. Im sure you’ve read books on positive parenting so just start incorporating those techniques. Your kids know you love them, thats the important thing.
Give yourself some grace. The important thing is that you’ve acknowledged your past mistakes (which we all make), you’ve apologized, and you want to do better. You will make more mistakes in the future and do or say things that aren’t so gentle because this way of parenting is hard, but your children need to see your imperfections anyway. They need to see how you handle yourself, how you regulate your own emotions during the hard times, so they can have an example to learn from when they make their own mistakes.
I only spank if absolutely necessary. As my son is now 9 I moved to grounding more and taking items, time outs, extra chores.
Never HIT your kids they don’t learn especially at such a young age your kids will remember this when they are older and could cause issues for them just because others do doesn’t mean it’s good parenting your also teaching them that violence is the answer
Naughty step for a set amout of time after the time is up get down to there level and explain why you put them on the step rewards charts for good behavior with rewards
Hitting your kids is just lazy parenting
I was slapped and it done me no harm what’s so ever…respected and adored my both parents dont worry about a thing
I didn’t spank. My grown kids are disrespectful assholes and treat me like crap.
Honey. Just love them. Unconditionally. Let them know it’s okay for them to make mistakes. And that you both will work really hard to find reasonable ways to punish them, as in making sure the punishment is related. Ex: too rough with toys and they break, has to take to take a break from toys.
If you have a tiktok account, follow mamacusses. Honestly. She’s helped so much in changing my parenting style and it’s done wonders for my relationship with my kids.
Absolutely nothing wrong with spanking. You did what was best for your situation at that point in time. If you feel like that’s not the best method for your situation anymore then move onto the next. No guilt needed. We are all learning as we go
Some of these comments are crazy! I gentle parent and my daughter is honestly one of the most well behaved kids I know, and I’m not just saying it because she is mine. She listens when told something, she is kind, and compassionate towards others because we teach her that emotions are perfectly fine. How can you teach a child that hitting is not okay when you hit them to teach them that? YOU CANT. It confuses them. As an adult you would never hit another adult to “teach” them not to hit you so why do that to our children who are still trying to learn emotions and how to handle different situations properly? Join a gentle parenting group! They are super helpful and definitely not judgmental like these people. Gentle Parents Unite is one that I’m in! Hopefully this helps! Keep up the good work, momma! Your kids will thank you later 
Look, you wised up, apologized, and are doing better. Good for you! You can’t undo the past so just move forward. Like the theme of one of my church’s services, “Begin again with love.” Start fresh and don’t wallow in guilt; it doesn’t do you any good. I was spanked as a child and came out OK. My husband and I were the same way (we got better too) and our kids turned out fine. Your kids will be OK too and learned from you how to apologize for mistakes (to err is human & we’re all human), and that people learn and do better. Win-win.
Its a touchy subject. My kids are now adults with families of their own and yes im old school . I did spank my children
Spanking has its place…but its not the only form of discipline and sadly ALL forms of discipline can be abused .
People lock their kids in dark cupboards for hours. People lock kids in bedrooms or send them to bed hungry. People hit their kids so hard they cause broken bones, brain damage and death People put kids in time out making them sit ignored for long periods. People hit their children with a belt or another weapon. People scream aggressivly at their children causing them fear , making them cower in corners …all of this is child abuse
Talking calmly to your children. Giving time out till they calm down. Holding them in a hug if they are frustrated and angry. Not giving treats between meals when they don’t eat properly . Explaining what they have done to upset you and what your expectations are of them in future . A quick smack to the bottom rarely and never in anger
Whatever form of discipline you use the child must always know they are loved beyond reason. That they are the best thing that ever happened in your life. Discipline is administered and then you all move on. When its over you talk , love and then its done. Dont keep going back to the naughty behaviour reminding them but always be consistant in your expectations and dont be unreasonable in what you ask of them. Children are small people and are entitled to have bad days just like everyone else
You have literally got to be kidding me. You apologized for spanking your children. Do you also have a “safe space” to go to?
This next generation of adults are going to be some weak ass adults.
You’re the parents… wake the f&%$ up!
You showing them that you are still learning as parents is the greatest gift you can teach a child. Mistakes are good, if we learn from them and move on. You’ve accepted your choices aren’t what you want to Foster from now on so just show them love whatever the situation and treat them with the same respect you’d like to be treated. When you feel you are at your limit its fine to walk away sometimes. It’s about damage control and not adding to the damage your child will already manifest. Just let them know you are there when they need you and listen without judgement. As my 4 year old says ‘teamwork is the dreamwork’ you’ll find your way together and that’s what’s important
Gentle parenting is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I started with my son when he was around 1.
Always do what you want your kids to do. Apologize to them if you caused any harm, say thank you when they give you somethime. Praise them when they are playing happily with your 8 month old. Try to get 1 on 1 time with each big kid every day, or once a week take 1 big kid out for lunch/dinner, a treat. It’s difficult to have another kid in the home.
Get down on the floor when the big kids are around your 8 month old and teach them how they can play nice. And tell then if they can’t play nice with their new sibling, then don’t play with him at all til he’s bigger. (I’m having this same issue with my 3 yr old and 7 month old) it’s so hard!
Everyone will tell you therapy, but idk, as someone who’s who’s in and out of therapy since I was little it never did anything for me as an adult.
When it comes to asking them to do chores/clean up, think about it this way, me personally, I want help as an adult to clean my home, offer to help them clean, ask them if they want to help you unload the dishwasher, ask if they can help clean up their toys.
Parenting is all about learning as we go. It’s okay, no kid has to be perfect, but we can all stop the abuse 1 family at a time.
Try circle of security. It’s really more of connecting with your children and a positive more gentle approach.
Uh just want state it’s legal to spank your child. I actually called cops to prove this to my child. People have different techniques as parents. But I really don’t think spanking causes mental health issues. Apologize when you are wrong.
You need to find a balance. The punishment should fit the crime. I understand all the research and all on spanking your child, but there are generations of people who were spanked as children who are well adjusted, healthy, productive members of society. I’m not at all saying beat your children. However, as I said, the punishment needs to fit the crime. When my children were younger, about the age of your boys, they would get a smack on the butt, a smack on the hands etc. For example: we’re crossing the street and as we approach the intersection, I have ahold of my child’s hand, but he attempts to run out into the road. I tell him no, we look before we cross the road. The next time we cross the road, the same thing. The same thing the next time. The time after that, we approach the intersection and he takes off running. I snatch him before he can hit the crosswalk and give him a smack on the butt. Going forward, he stops at the sidewalk because he associates running out into the street with getting his butt smacked. The sting on his butt is much less severe than getting hit by a car. Now, if we’re at home and he’s having a fit because he doesn’t like what we’re having for dinner, he’s not getting his butt smacked, he’s sitting in a corner in a chair. As my children have gotten older, I’ve learned what punishments actually “hurt” them. My youngest daughter, after her warning to do/not do what she’s been asked, what hurts her the most, is taking away her TV. My son, what hurts him the most is taking away his xBox. There are situations where a tap on the hand or a tap on the butt is appropriate and effective. There are times where grounding, taking privileges and flat out talking it out is appropriate. There is a difference in discipline and abuse. Keep something in mind though, each child is different and what works for one child may not work for another child.
Whole buncha 
parents on here.
3•2•1 Magic is a fantastic parenting tool. It teaches effective authoritative parenting techniques to replace the authoritarian habits. Gentle parenting thrives in consistency, you will have them testing boundaries until they learn that expectations and consequences are consistent. Natural consequences, not punishments. Learn to see yourself as a coach rather than a boss. You can build back a trusting strong relationship with your children.
Every kid is different what works for one isnt going to work for every single one those that want to shame those that spank their kids when they need it need to get fucking real just shut up and find the method that works for you and your child and move on that’s life, that’s parenting
I spank. They trust me. The main problem you have is that power struggle. Worry about them seeing that and using it against the 2 of you. Children will see opportunities to pit parents against each other and take it.
So you apologized to kids for disciplining them. Yeah they know who wears the pants.
Follow thru
Do not make a statement and not follow thru.
Always explain why they are getting the discipline and always tell them you love them.
I have a 4 yr old who listens amazingly because of the way we discipline.
A butt spanking is supposed to hurt not bruise and its suoposed to make them think about thier choices.
Everyones parenting works differently because kids are not all the same.
So for.any Karen that wants to come at me you will be arguing with yourself. I don’t entertain trolls who live under bridges.
Iv been in foster care most of my child hood and had every form of punishment there is…I personally don’t spank my kids just I feel teaching them not to hit as a response to anger or whatever and then turning around and spanking them contradicts itself…I have to boys and they get rough so trying to show them that you don’t have to be physical is very big with my boys and defeats the point if I turn into being physical…but iv had my but whooped and not gonna lie needed it lol but iv also had the hickory switch and a wooden paddle and spoon as a child…I turned out fine and Iv also learned to never punish or discipline in anger… never…I usually separate my kids regardless the even or action I go to them one on one and communicate with them…what they did wrong how they should have handled it or what they should have done no matter what the incident or issue is and I give them benefit of the doubt of learning and growing we talk and go from there…we talk about what to do next time…or why we don’t do this or that…after we have conversated and are on the same page if it happens again there is time out devices taken…they have to write the same sentence so many times with proper punctuation lol and where I can read it…they have also been made to run laps before and if it’s arguing with a sibling I separate them and then when they have calmed down make just them play together or be with each other for a bit…but honestly spanking isn’t bad just in how it’s done…and when it’s done…my kids get it by the time they are stuck writing sentences or running laps or whatever…but sometimes a good spanking is the way…I got my butt spanked ALOT as a child. But I think making sure it’s not over done is key and yes a child is going to cry…and act heart broken when corrected in any way so don’t let it fool you…just wait for it to calm down and communicate the best you can for there age on why they don’t do this or that or why you have these or those rules and just be 100 on things with them…get some cookies and sit down and use it as a learning and educational thing…it’s your job to teach and raise them not expect them to know what and why it is what it is and beat em if they don’t…tell them what’s up and why things are the way they are and find alternative ways to discpline but again sometimes a good spanking doesn’t hurt…but never use anything but your hand and don’t EVER spank in anger never…you may think it’s not hard or rough but your a grown up with grown up strength smacking I mean ligetly smacking a child…so understand that and spank accordingly…it’s why I say never in anger it’s hard to control the strength or push or repetition behind a hit in anger…I did one pop when they needed it when younger either on the hand for a no don’t touch or on the butt when they go through there testing stages at 3 and 4 but outside the one single pop they didn’t get several strikes or whatever…they also haven’t had anything like that since they were little…but spanking isn’t bad just need to put rules on it but after communicating with the child but it’s not something I do now but with a 8 yr old and an 11 yr old boy they love to hit and the physical stuff so trying to teach the physical stuff isn’t
exceptable or the way to handle things means I doubt resort to physical stuff either…I’m not a do as I say not as I do…I like to be as equal as I can be…same goes on respect here…but good luck
I spank when I have to. Which is rare and my girls are better for it. I tell them I do not like spanking them, but what they did was bad. Last time I spanked my oldest she was 7 or 8 and was caught stealing at school from the teachers desk no less. She earned that a$$ whooping and it must of got through because I haven’t spanked her since. She’s almost 14 now. My youngest only gets spanked when she doesn’t get her way and has a meltdown and tries to throw, kick things. Most of the time we can talk through it…but sometimes not. I’m not gonna judge anyone who spanks or doesn’t. It’s up to the parent on how the want to go about things. My birth mother spank me, as I do…when called for and it wasn’t often. I turned out just fine with respect for everyone around me.
People who hit get hit back!!
I grow up getting spanked and I praise my parents for everyone I got. Your problem is you weren’t spanking your boys correctly other wise they would have learned. Spanking works if done correctly.
I grew up getting whipped by electrical cords and tree branch and whatever else they can grab.
Gentle parenting ???!!! Haha 
That’s why you see these kids screaming, crying, and kicking in the stores
Spanking doesn’t lead to mental health problems!!
I got spanked. I never had or have a problem trusting my parents. I have grown into a very prosperous respectful beautiful woman.
“you didn’t hit your kid the right way” you people are nuts and you didn’t turn out as well as you think you did.
It’s simple, children are wet cement and foundational interactions form their adult behavioral tendencies, corporal punishment in any form reinforces the concept of “might is right” which has shown statistically to lead to possible abusive behaviors
Both my girls are golden well behaved kids.
Never have they been smacked, hit anything ever.
Talking calmly and making them understand right from wrong works a treat😁.
Younger kids kind hands storys. About how you have kind hands and you expect them to have kind hands to.
My girls are teens and yes still don’t warrent a smack and never really need telling off.
Because boundaries and basic human decency is installed.
Try time out , and calmly explaing why and what they did was wrong.
At first it may seem hard.
But honestly i explained the law to my kids and how once they reach 10. The police will deal with any wrong behaviour and that wld ruin their lives. Best way to be is respectful, kind and calm. Wish u luck.
Wait until they get in early teens, you’ll see how you’re methods work.
Kids are more resilient than you think… we all make mistakes, and if you believe you made one, talking to your kids about it is HUGE! That’s the bigger win here… kids need to know how to apologize when they are wrong, and you are setting that example for them- well done.
I personally wouldn’t worry too much about any outbursts over the next few months… yes address appropriately, but don’t take it hard. Transitioning into life with a new baby is hard for everyone, and everyone will have different outward struggles.
We use ‘spanks/swats’ as an attention grabber only. Once they are old enough to be talked to, start talking… take away privileges, find what ‘hurts’. For my 4 year old a time out is ok, but taking away an afternoon show/snack is what ‘hurts’.
Every child is different. And it will take time to learn (as a parent) the best method for each child in each circumstance
I got spanked as a kid and I trust my parents completely, we are like best friends. It didn’t cause any mental health issues.
I don’t do it often but I’ve spanked my kid and she trusts me and feels safe around me. A small swat on the but isn’t going to be as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be. A beating sure will, but a legit spank? Nah.
Just do what you did. Apologize and move on.
I spank my kids when they don’t listen it’s not a bad thing or ruins relationships or anything. And it’s not abuse whatsoever. My kids know why they’re getting spank they’re two and three . Both smart enough to know right and wrong. When they’re bad they get spanked simple.
Spanking at times is a MUST…take look at the disrespectful kids in our world today that should have gotten their asses beat!
I used to spank my kids until I realized that it didn’t work. My kids now have to run a minimum of 20 laps and write an apology letter.
Coming here to say… I don’t spank my kids, but we do remove privileges.
However… I was spanked and I love and trust my parents. 
You can look at some of Dr Gabor Mate’s videos and I highly recommend his book (Hold on to your kids) as well.
I personally don’t know a single soul who has been just spanked and have trust issues or mental problems I was spanked and I turned out amazing and I spank my kids and they love and trust me and they understand that they get spanked cuz they screwed up. They also get corner time and when they get older they will be doing the writing punishment where they have to write a full page front and back of what they did wrong for example : I will not fight with my brother. My parents made me and my sister do it. They also lose screen time.
Spanking does not lead to mental health issues, as long as the spanking is a result of mischief by the child and not a result of your frustration or anger.
There was no such thing as gentle parenting back in the day, there might be studies but i would argue that in those studies are based on a small number of people because i bet you, majority of the grown ups working, carrying the economy and leading the country now have been spanked in their childhood.
There is a difference between spanking and abuse. I was spanked and dont have any issues with my parents.
Now that you HAVE spanked them… all you need to do is ask them if they WANT another. They should be able to say no and change their behavior !!!
You’re having power struggles with YOUR CHILDREN because you gave away some of your power 
Is spanking a one size fits all punishment?
Of course not
HOWEVER there are many situations where negative reinforcement is necessary
Parenting isn’t all rainbows and kittens and never has been
I spanked both my girls and they are both good citizens contributing to the world only thing is I don’t have a really close relationship with them ,maybe that will change as they both grow older