I need advice please my 16 year old daugter recently found out that the man i was married to is not her biological father. We busy getting divorced, she met her biological father in June and he bought her a phone, since she got the phone her behavior changed, she is chatting to guys a lot older then her, sending pictures to guys, telling them that she is very sick and have anorexia which she dont have, now over the past 2 weeks school send her to talk to someone, because the thought she is having panick attacks, this person she went to talk to then informed me that she want to commit suicide i am at witsend, she dont stay with me, i took the phone away on friday and discovered all this pictures and conversations and all the lies she was telling to this guys. Have annyone experience this with their child on that age. She refuses to talk to me and hates me for lying to her for the 16 years, I did it to protect her from her real fathers family.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I lied to my daughter to protect her and now she hates me
I don’t think she hates you she a teenager she’s going to go thru a lot changes…n plz momma talk to her about eating disorder she cold very well have one a lot of girls try and hid it… she’s prob just getting caught up with the wrong people I would try to really have a convo with her or have a close family members talk to her someone she can trust maybe even talk to her bio dad and have him try and see what’s going on
Shes projecting. She was lied to and missed out on her dad. So she’s seeking that attention from other guys. She needs therapy. All of you do. I dont believe she truly hates you but does hate what you did and its mentally hitting her. Don’t put this on her. Its all on you and while I understand why you hid this from her I do believe you should have been honest. The truth always come out. Good luck!
Well, as a mother with a deadbeat baby daddy, with a deadbeat family to match? I would have done the same thing if I was given the chance. 🤷 To each his own
She needs someone to talk to someone before her " daddy issues "become bigger issues .
I was just like this except my bio dad and adopted dad died … eventually I turned to older men …
MYbe all 3 of you could sit and have a conversation with her .
And just because u guys are divorcing that shouldnt take away how she feels about him .
Have a conversation with her and explain what u happend was qhat was best at that time for everyone and being an adult u have to make some really hard choices . And I’d take the phone away unless it’s to speak to her bio dad . She dont hate u … maybe plan a girl day for u and her an have a talk
Finding out she’s “been living a lie” her whole life, is going to affect her mental and emotional state immensely. She needs therapy to process this. ASAP.
Sometimes we do what we believe to be the right thing to do to protect our children!! Whether it’s right or wrong is between you and God !! She’s lucky to have a mother who actually cares enough to go that far to protect her children!! Hopefully she will understand one day when she’s a mother!!
This is what an identity crisis looks like. She needs therapy and likely time away from you.
She could actually have an ED, just because she doesn’t look bone skinny doesn’t mean she doesn’t have one. I’d be cautious in saying she’s a liar about this stuff. I hid mine very well as a teen.
Never lie to your kids. You buried yourself on this one… She will need time to trust you again and you are going to need to give her space.
I get you was trying to protect her but someone should of told you her finding out the lie could do more harm then her knowing her actual dad… But she was living a lie her whole life she doesn’t know who she is. I’d get her in therapy
You messed up. I was lied to like this and because of that missed out on having any dad at all. I would never forgive you
My daughter dad is a deadbeat druggy and In 15 yrs iv never lied to her and last yr she wanted to meet him so I said yes and well she saw it for herself and now want nothing to do with him all together she loves hers step dad and calls him dad and says I wish u was my real dad u should never ever lie to ur kids
She doesn’t hate you. She’s very angry though. I kinda went through the same thing at her age. I met my father at 15. She missed out on her dad so she’s getting that attention from older guys. Exactly how I was . Talk to her and get her a counselor asap. Keep showing her your love, this won’t last forever.
You need to give her time to process everything. You broke her trust by lying to her for 16 years, regardless of her Father’s family. My Son is 13, his biological Father left me while I was pregnant and has never been apart of my childs life. When my son was 11 months old, I met my now Husband. We raised our son to know that he has a Father (the absent one) and he has a Dad (My husband) and being open about it has made it a not so big issue in our home. Reading this post makes me feel so thankful and grateful for my decision to do things the way that I did with making him aware from the start. His Father’s family was crazy, drama filled, and just mean, but protecting him from them was not an issue. I suggest you get your daughter into therapy to process what she has been told. This could set her like in the wrong direction if not handled the right way. Also, if she’s suicidal, I suggest you be a little more compassionate and supportive. That is something VERY serious. Your post made you sound pretty insensitive to your Daughter’s feelings. I hope for the sake of your relationship with her that, that changes.
Shes confused about a man’s love bc all this time who she thought was her dad isn’t.
She doesn’t hate you. Your the consistent here mom, and your going to be the one to take her anger about it all.
She’s telling lies for attention.
These are fries for help. Im sure the divorce recently was hard enough. Get you both in therapy asap.
If her bio dad all of sudden wants involvement now, seek out why. And really, getting her a phone? At 16 though, why didn’t she already have 1 in 2021?
Therapy is very needed right to workout all the stuff happening
Never understood that, I did it to protect them! But you kept a secret that destroys someone’s trust! I never judge! Just as a kid! Thinking one thing and finding out different! Is horrible and then trust issues…literally blows my mind. You find out … the man you thought was your uncle…is your dad!!! (Just an example) the feeling and emotions that rise! Better easing them in young…
I feel for her. She needs counseling
That’s a big thing to deal with as a child. To find out your whole life is a lie. Therapy is definitely needed. The truth hurts but it hurts even more when a lie has been told for years. I think at some point you could have sat her down and told her the truth about her step dad at a younger age.
I was lied to by my mother for many years who my father was and I hated her for it for years!!! It’s hard!!! And hard to understand! And comprehend. It’s emotional and being a teenage girl makes it worse. You are supposed to be her world and that world betrayed her. And the guy who she thought was her father is leaving too. Be honest. Talk. Even if she won’t talk back just talk to her. She is listening I promise. She is just breaking inside. From here on out be honest. Explain to her why you did what you did.
Jen Cramer that’s hardly fair… she obviously met a man who brought this child up with her so that man is her dad, sometimes that’s the best we can do when the bio father isn’t around.
You did it to protect yourself
Give her time with her dad sides. Then she will understand why you protected her from it. You are not the bad guy here. Why did he wait 16 years to come around. Why didn’t they come? Give her time to spend with them she will get it.
You lied about one of the most important things in a person’s life. Where they come from, it doesn’t matter how bad a person they are. You could have kept her away from him without lying. If it were me and you lied to me for 16 years I wouldn’t want to talk to you or see you either. There will be no quick fix, the damage is already done. Try and give her counseling, however this is your fault.
You should’ve told her along time ago. This happened to my daughter’s friend and she basically spiraled out of control when she got the information and she found out around 14. That child feels like her whole life is a lie . And the 2 people she trusted the most lied right to her face.
Me and my husband openly talked about the fact that he adopted my daughter as his own for the reason that one day she would ask what adoption meant and she did when she was 8 and we explained everything to her and gave her the option to meet her biological father and half siblings it created an awesome bond between her and her sister who are 6 months and 1 day apart and a realization that she dislikes her biological father
You just totally blew off that she told a counselor she was suicidal?
And how do you know she’s not anorexic? Most kids hide it well and don’t have to be super skinny. If she doesn’t stay with you how would you even know this for sure?
She definitely needs therapy.
You sound like you need a parenting class and a grammer class. But for real. You wronged her is a serious way and thats ON YOU. You need to get you and her both into therapy. I have 4 children. 3 of them with my ex of 10 years. My youngest was less than 2 years old when my current husband came into her life and her real dad stepped out on the 3 kids for good. I never once thought about lying to my daughter. My hubby and i have been together over 6 years now and we have a 5 year old daughter together…he has been the only father all 4 of my kids have known in these 6 years. My older 3 kids know they Have a different dad than my youngest and lying to them especially my daughter who was only 1.5 when her bio dad left and 2 when she got her real dad. She knows he’s not her real dad but she knows he’s HER DAD anyway. She doesn’t know anyone else as dad. But I would never think to lie to her about it. She’s 8 now. She has a bio dad who trash and a real dad who hangs the moon and as a good mother I know its major to make sure she knows the truth and can decide for herself when she’s old enough that her bio dad is garbage and not worth being in her life or maybe she wants to press a relationship with him. But to lie no. Not unless the child has been adopted and fathers rights have been terminated that is not acceptable in anyway. Now he’s going to use that as fuel against you. You say yourself that you lied to her for 16 years to protester from her dad’s family… not her dad. If her dad was trash she wants to know that yohbas her mother did your part to make it possible for her bio dad to be in her life. Now she will never trust you. She will believe him when he tells her he tried and tried but your mom wouldn’t let me be in your life. That may or may not be true and you may or may not have had good reasons to keep her from him but children need to see this for themselves. Any look of force from one parent against the other is only serving to cause damage in the child’s life and long term well being. You need therapy now. For your daughter. For you. For your whole family unit. And for you and your daughter together. And I want to know what brought this all about. What about her step dad that she thought was her real dad her whole life? You’re getting Divorced?? So what he decides after 16 years that he’s not her dad anymore and that silence your marriage is over hes not her dad anymore after all these years? Well he’s a serious piece if sh1t too. If he wont take her as his own after 16 years of calling her his and lying to her that he was her dad he even worse than her real dad who left her at birth. Sounds like this poor young lady needs a man to step up in her life and show her that she’s worthy of love and men looking for sex that are twice her age will never cut it. Stop all that nonsense IMMEDIATELY.
She doesn’t hate you. If she says she does. Tell her you understand and it’s ok because you love her enough for both of you. Tell her why you did. Take the phone away. Apparently she’s not mature enough to use it properly. Yes. My daughter did the same. I let her plan run out and never renewed it. I told her when she’s an adult she can pay for it herself. This was back in 2005. Tell her father she can’t have it living under your roof. If he wants to talk to her call you. Tell him what’s going on.
you should of told her ages ago!. My Daughter is Only 5 and I plan on telling her when she is a little bit older and Understands.
You was protecting her obviously from someone who didn’t want anything to do with her. Since she had a father that was in her life. I support you on that. But you both need to sit down and work out the difference. Make her understand why you did what you did. Give her time she will come around.
Don’t blame a child for doing something to you that you’ve done to them… you lied to her about her father being someone who he is not. I dont think you understand how much that can mess a child up regardless of reasons. If you want your child to talk to you and confide In you and feel safe with you you must tell the truth… when she lies do you get shitty ? So now imagine it from her end.
You may have a good reason for to have no contact with her bio dad. Doesnt change the fact you lied about it.
You should have told her! Get her help!
She has daddy issues
Lying is not a good thing. You can tell the truth. A child is still a human who can make decisions about who they approve from themselves
That’s what happens when you lie to a child. You had years to tell her but didn’t which shows me you didn’t want her to have anything to do with her father
She needs therapy alone and you need family therapy together . My sister in law did this same thing to my niece - some parents choose to tell truth some see it as who ever stepped up is “dad”. I told my son from day 1 he was adopted . I reassure him daily that his bio mom / dad love him they just could not take care of him . Etc . You broke her trust and in her head her whole life is a lie ! When you put her bio dad or his family down - you are putting your daughter down as she is 1/2 them . Now you are divorcing this man and then you reveal her bio dad to her . I feel you are doing what ever is in your interest at the time . Neither fathers should ever be disposable . You are breaking up that doesn’t mean she has to break her relation with them . You may not realize you are doing this. She is hurting and she needs to be main focus . With kids negative attention is still attention she is seeking boys Attn. No parent is perfect - see this as a lesson not a mistake
I get that you wanted to protect your child but A child should never be lied to about something as important as who her dad is every child has a right to know where they came from the fact that you have lied is what is making your child act out
Did you ever sit there and think of the impact it has had on her by not telling the truth she probably feels like she doesn’t know who she is anymore
I’d suggest some counseling and not lie about important things the trust is gone and it’s going to take time for you to build it back up
You need to get her into a professional therapist, someone she can talk to in confidence. You have to remember she may be going through these things that you don’t know about, just because she hasn’t spoken to you about any of this doesn’t mean she isn’t going through it. Also make it known to the therapist that you would like to be told if there is something serious going on, good luck mama.
As someone who. Didn’t meet her father till she was 18 I’m here to tell you that is beyond wrong. My mom did it to protect me too and. To be fairly honest. Me and my mom don’t get along that well I do love my mom but. I feel that I should have known sooner. I’m now 30. If that’s any help at all. Get her help it’s gonna mess with her head. Later on trust me!!!
I was lied to by my adopted parents they would of kept lying to me if it hadn’t been for my adopted moms friend telling me I had siblings. I have a relationship with my adopted mom but knowing she had zero issue lying to me and even has had issues with me having a relationship with my bio family I don’t trust her anymore. My kids love her so I keep the relationship going but I’ve had to go no contact for awhile because of stuff she’s done or said.
That’s too big a thing to lie about. My partner has been in my daughters life since she was 2. She knew from the beginning he wasn’t her birthday. As she got older and started asking questions I was completely honest with her about her birth dad. When she was 6 she asked my boyfriend if she could call him dad.
I had an eating disorder and my mom had no clue. Just saying she may definitely have one. You need to sit her down and talk to her about everything, she deserves to know the truth! All of it!
Honestly, she needs therapy and it sounds like y’all could benefit from family therapy as well. You really shouldn’t lie to a child, and you shouldn’t put down the other parent or the other parents family in front of them either. Do age appropriate truths. She is almost an adult and now feels like everything she’s ever lived and believed in is a lie. That’s going to take a lot to recover from.
Maybe you are wrong she should have been giving the chance to know her dad’s family. Are you always correct
And this is why I chose to be honest and open with my child. However, I don’t know how he “the father” actually is in this case. In my case the father is kind, mentally stable and wouldn’t hurt anyone nor let his child be in an unstable, unbalanced, or unsafe place. Honestly, even if he wasn’t a “good man” I still wouldn’t lie to my child. I personally know women that lie to their child simply bc the father didn’t want to be with them. Sooo wrong! That child will probably hate them for it and suffer serious mental issues, sadly. After all, it takes two to make a child. I know others that have kept their child away or at a distance due to the father actually being unstable and unfit, as would I… in a heartbeat. I know unfit mothers as well, but this post is mostly about lying to a child about who their biological father is. In an adopted situation a child could hold resentment toward both parents if they were lied to and found out by someone else. Praying for this particular child
My step mom was honest with her daughter. Said that my dad was not her real dad and she would allow her to know the name of her real dad when she turned 18 for her own safety… You can’t take back the past aka lying to her. But what you can do is have a talk with her. An actual talk. Not how you are so fed up with her. She is a teenager, expressing her hurt and other feelings in unhealthy ways. She is hurting, she is suicidal, she is talking to all these guys trying to fill the void. And instead of acting like you just can’t stand the way she is acting, maybe try to understand and validate her. Get her the help she needs and show some sympathy. She’s going through a hell of a lot right now.
It’s your job to protect your child, if you lied to her because her bio dad didn’t want anything to do with her, was a pos, etc… then only you can decide if it was okay to protect her from him. If you lied to her to spite him, punish him, etc… then that’s not okay. If he didn’t want to be there then you did the right thing in my opinion. But if you deliberately kept a good man from helping you raise yalls child then that’s totally wrong and unacceptable. I don’t think that’s the case here because you allowed her to have a relationship with him later in life and you allowed him to give her the phone.
Teens act out all the time. She’s looking for attention, that’s why she’s chatting up with these older guys and sending them pictures and telling lies. Take your daughter to her PCP and make sure she doesn’t actually have anorexia or any other eating disorder. I would have taken her phone and all electronics away from her for seeking out older guys.
Lies protect no one but the lier.
You need to apologize to your child and what do you mean she don’t stay with you? This is a parenting fail! Might sound harsh but it truly is…
Children don’t need protecting from their biological parents. I wish mother’s would understand this
I mean you brought it on yourself you’d hate if you were lied to about who you’re read dad was of course she’s going to lash out she’s found out that the man she thought was half of her identity actually isn’t
I’m not so worried about the lie, she’ll get over that. But as a mom of a daughter with anorexia I’m going to say she needs help. Anorexia is a mental disorder and you have no way of knowing if she is or isn’t. She needs to be evaluated by a professional ASAP. The other behavior is also a call for attention. She knows she need help but doesn’t know how to ask for it. The quicker you get her into an eating disorder facility, the better outcome she’ll have. Anorexia is a life long disease and they need to learn skills on how to live with and manage this disease. You cannot see or hear what is going on inside her head. Please have her talk with a professional ASAP .
Send that baby to therapy. Asap. Kids lie. But she isn’t lying the way you think. She’s 16-she may have a lot more going on than you realize, esp since she doesn’t live w you. Stop assuming you know everything. Let her be upset about her dad-thats fair. But get her some help. Sounds like youre putting all of the blame on her. Look in the mirror
She deserved to know the truth from the start
You don’t know if she actually has anorexia if you found it in her than she definitely has it. I had an eating disorder and my family never knew about it. She needs help and you need to help her. My son’s father side of the family are POS but I wouldn’t hold his father accountable since he can’t control his family’s thoughts nor feelings.
As someone who was told my dad wasn’t my biological dad until I was 16/17 I can see where she’s upset but I never once stopped talking to my mother. I forgave my parents. My parents had a sit down with me and told me the truth and as to why they hid it from me. I was in denial and went to my godmothers house who also knew the truth and she told me everything as well and I was asked if I wanted to meet my biological father, which I didn’t cause if he never bothered once to come see me why would I want to meet him? He abandoned my mother and knew where we were located and never once did I see him try, I’m now 24 and he has yet to make any contact. I’m sorry this is happening to you but I hope your daughter and you can talk this out one on one and she can come to understand why you did what you had to do. As a mother you knew what was best for your child. Best wishes
Shes manipulating you, you made choices as a mother, you owned it, and she will use this as longnas it serves her. Take the phone away, but it is normal these days at that age, ive learned. Kids are resilient.
You lied because it was EASY for YOU so stop trying to project that onto your daughter. You betrayed her trust and kept a part of her away. Now you are blaming her father for her current actions when I can tell you right now,she was already doing them before she had a phone. Sounds like you both need therapy, and perhaps some joint sessions so you guys can mend your relationship again
One always tell your kids the truth no matter how hard it is they deserve to know and she’s probably acting out cause she’s not getting the attention she wants maybe from home or someone or somewhere else but you did put your foot down and if I was you I wouldn’t give it back till she knows what she did wrong
Um I’m gonna be the black sheep here… you didn’t tell her to protect her and you told her the truth when u felt it was right for her!!! I’m currently in the same situation however my boy is 9 and we haven’t told him yet. We plan on it next summer when schools out but my ex husband has been there since he was 1 and it’s 50/50 custody with us. His birth dad is a douche who never wanted him.
Good luck momma get that girl some help professionally. She might “hate” you for a little bit but she’ll love you for life. Hang in there.
I know what that’s like I was lied to for 32 years before I found out the man my mom.married wasn’t my dad poor girl
I have a family member who did this. They did not tell her daughter who her real father was. It seems your childs father could have been there since he got her a phone. Seems she has a right to be mad. You held info from her that effected her life. Only time will heal but maybe telling her you are sorry could be a start.
You lied. Point blank. You may never mend that relationship. Imaging not knowing who half of you is. It isn’t pretty. I found out about the same age. It messed me up. It shattered my heart to pieces. It’s taken years to heal that. I’m 36 and still working on it.
FYI their is more than one reason to be honest. It’s called medical history. There are things that can be passed down and she has the right to know all of it.
I’m curious to know what role the stepdad has taken in this child’s life since the divorce. The man that she spent her entire life thinking was her dad. Is he completely out of the picture now? This could be a major factor in her behavior. My oldest son was 16 when my ex and I divorced, he wasn’t his bio dad and his stepdad raised him as his own and when we divorced, my son lived with my ex. 9 years has passed and they are still father and son. We never hid the truth from him though and even though our marriage didn’t work out, we didn’t take it out on our kids!!!
The whole thing is a lot to process, especially for a child and a teenager at that. Being a 16 year old girl is hard and confusing!!! I can’t imagine what your daughter is going through. You need to apologize first and foremost for not being open and honest with her. BOTH OF YOU need to go to counseling and maybe even the dads (plural) too. 3 grown ass adults and you’re putting your mistakes on your child’s shoulders to have to deal with. I wouldn’t want to deal with it either. I would kind of expect the eating disorders and the need for male attention, SHE’S 16!!! Tell her you’re sorry and that you love her and that y’all will get through it TOGETHER!
Shes mad at you for taking her phone off her not because you lied about her dad. Shes just using that as an excuse and lashing out
Yea you definitely have to bite the bullet and apologize…but without trying to make it seem like it was for her… If your sorry tell her that … not 'I’m sorry but… " Just I’m sorry…I was wrong,I should’ve given you the opportunity to Knoo your dad and family… I realize that I was wrong and I understood how you must feel… I’m sorry!! No buts no excuses… I get what you were trying to do but lying is never the way to go… The truth always comes out and now your daughter feels completely alone… the one person that is supposed to be everything to her all of a sudden is a liar and changed everything about what her life could’ve been
. She’s going to these guys and feeling the way she does bc she feels alone bc she is alone! And you can’t really tell her she doesn’t have anorexia… It may be something she’s been keeping from you …and if she is feeling suicidal you should take her seriously and let her know that getting help is ok and you are here for her
This is life changing. I HIGHLY recommend you BOTH go to a therapist TOGETHER!!! You are supposed to be the one person who has her no matter what. All of her behavior is screaming for someone to be real with her, someone to take the hurt away and fix it. Obvis we know no man, no other human can do this BUT YOU. AND herself. She prob feels like you stole 16 years from her bio dad and truthfully you did. I’m hoping you get help ASAP for her safety and for both of you to attempt to recover. This may not happen for a really long time.
You lied to protect her? No. . You lied because you were scared and that route was easier. That girl should have known the truth from the start and would have loved the man that raised her as his own. . But what’s done is done. . Now she’s feeling betrayed and alone. She is lashing out. At you, at him, at everyone because she’s mad as shit. At this point you’re gunna have to force a talk with her, (like in her room alone, make sure she can’t leave, because Believe me she will run) let her let it all out and scream at u. But you keep ur cool, don’t raise your voice and choose your words lovingly even if her words are full of hate. . APOLOGIZE TO HER!!
Sorry this is why you don’t lie to your kids!!! No matter what!!!
You don’t lie to your kids about where they come from! Wtf is wrong with you people??
I hope you can talk to her let her scream let her get mad let her have all her feelings and do not judge her she’s just found out and she is gonna lash out you need to tell her why you didn’t want her to know until she was older I hope it was a good reason she may not understand now in time hopefully you both can heal
Start sending those boys pictures of you. That will either get then to stop of get them to focus on you and you can date them.
She is a teenager, YOU ARE THE PARENT make the rules srick with them ! GET her counseling, she does not hate you she wants it her way ! No you should not of lied but now is a great time to chat with her (whether she talks or not she needs to listen) and go from there !!
Well you lied and she’s mad. The reasons are now irrelevant.
Hold yourself accountable
It’s Karma and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do.
Wow all the people who laugh reacted this, I hope y’all step in dog shit or a lego.
This mom needs help, you need to take that phone away for starters, and TALK to your child. Go to therapy with your child because she’s going to need it, and so will you. While she’s in a session with a therapist you should also be in one. You just turned this girls life upside down because you choose to lie. And to me it sounds like you did it more for yourself, and not for her. Which is selfish af! That’s still her family wether you like them or not. She had every right to know who they are from the beggining. You need to talk to her bio dad and see where she is at. Tell him to monitor her behavior. Because it sounds to me like she is going to resent you for a long ass time. And her feelings are valid, and understandable she’s entitled to them.
Must be so hard for her having a mother like you. She’s 16. She feels betrayed and is obviously going through some shit. Thank you for being a supportive, loving mother figure.
She’s craving for male attention & has medical seeking behaviors for attention because now she doesn’t trust you or soon to be ex husband. She wants someone who cares about her & her feelings. Lying made her feel like you don’t care about her or her feelings. Bio dad stepped in and bought her something to build that bond with her for missing all of those years. You need to get that bond back. This is a common behavior of a girl who’s heart broken and devastated because she’s been lied to her whole life. This needs to be repaired. Maybe you had good reason to lie, maybe he was a shitbag, who knows but I would recommend professional help. Teenage years are critical because they can become self sabotaging and really make poor life changing choices.
Sit her down and be honest about your reasons, she will u derstand…no child is the same in these situations so dont listen to all this negativity…she knows you love her
Therapy. Her and you! If you were communicating with her this wouldn’t be going on. I have a 16 yr old boy I can’t imagine him not knowing his step father isn’t his bio dad. Or sneaking around on his phone, there are zero secrets between us. Either you have open, honest communication between you both or you don’t. If you care get into therapy to figure yourself out so you can help her.
My ex found out he was adopted when he was 25 and we were dating. Everything he’d known became a lie and he became abusive not only to me but his son. You lied to her because you were afraid. Now you get to deal with YOUR actions. Get into therapy, ASAP. BTW he’s now 54 and still a monster.
Are you 100% sure that she isn’t anorexic, su1c1dal and having panic attacks?
You females that laugh at these posts are vile. These are problems women are actually facing and needing advice. Not childish laughing. Grow tf up.
Sooo shes confiding in others and not you (because you lied, and about a very huge thing)
so now all of a sudden she’s “lying” about depression and an eating disorder? She’s probably extremely Confused… and justifiably pissed. You ruined that trust. Not her, YOU. Now you need to get her bio dad involved in her treatment because she’s gonna be screwed up for a long time. That’s one thing about my mother, she never hid from me the fact that my dad wasn’t my dad, and I am so grateful to her for that. Don’t lie to your kids. It’s so important to tell them the truth age appropriately. You should’ve told her when she was younger… instead she found out on her own. Now you just have to come clean and explain yourself.
My question is 1 where has her father been for the last 16 years and 2 what was your reasonings to keep it? Would she have been in danger? Or was it bc it was easier for you? These are the things you need to sit down with her about. First thing first you need to get yal into counseling and come clean about everything
Maybe now it’s dad’s turn the be a parent and deal with this situation.
You should have told her the truth no wonder she is angry and playing up can u blame her.she feels her life has been a lie for 16yrs I no u thought you were protecting her u now to need to say sorry don’t run her dad or family down .she will find out herself .
My husband adopted my daughter at 3 her bio father had nothing to do with her except sign the papers . Years later going through divorce she was 14 I told her. It devastated her. I put her in therapy as this straight A student now became a monster I didn’t know. She didn’t hate me … just herself cause now she felt like she didn’t belong anywhere. To this day her bio family and dad still has nothing to do w her and at 35 she still talks about the damage of not knowing did to her
My mom did this same very thing with me about my grandpa. Told me he died. Whole time she was talking about her stepfather (my step grandfather) I met him and that entire side of the family 2 years ago when I was 20 years old. I can tell you right now if it was me I would never keep that kind of secret. Kids need to know who their real family is who they truly belong to.
Mother’s gotta do what a mothers got to do. Everyone commenting don’t act like u never lied to your kids about something. There’s more to the story what meets the eye! And maybe she is suicidal, and having eating disorders you just don’t see it. And your daughter is out there looking for help from all thr wrong places possibly. It’s hard to say anything since I don’t know your daughter. But all u can do is be there for her if she likes it or not. You need to let her know the truth bout everything and why u did what u did. And it’s not all on u. If the real father cared he would of fought for his daughter when he didn’t seem to care. But after u explain why you did it and she still hates ya then let her. She will understand when she’s older. I sure understood alot of what was happening and why the older I got when I was at that age. And make sure she knows you love her is the most important thing and the she will always have u no matter what happens. It might help knowing that if she is depressed at all. Or maybe even get her a therapist. I felt like I couldn’t talk to my parents about anything. So maybe a therapist might help cuz its someone out of the conflict situation that could help!
Look at this from her perspective, you lied to her with full intent to continue doing so, about who SHE is. Of course she’s feeling all sorts of ways and wanting to lash out.
You guys need to do some serious counseling together, you may have just destroyed your entire relationship with your daughter.
Why do you assume those are lies? She may actually be anorexic and depressed, and you accusing her of lying about these things can make it worse. You don’t live together, so you don’t see up close what could be really happening. All those things sound like a cry for help.
So you’ve been lying to her, her whole life? Was anyone else in on this lie? If so, that’s fucked up. I will never understand why mother’s lie to they kids about they’re biological father. Black mother’s in particular.
Ok. Take phone to police station. They can trace and those guys will be charged. That NEEDS to be done. Do not ignore that she needs to see the seriousness of what she has gotten herself involved in. Idc what a child is going through you do not allow them to self destruct. She needs to get it together. Counseling is the next step. Counseling for her and for both of you. This is nonnegotiable. Yall do have a lot to work on, you did lie good intentions or not. The father needs to be on the same page and not pit her against you.
You purposely alienated her from half of herself, half her family. I’m sure she’s hurt and angry, for good reason. Her entire world is falling around her. Stop thinking of yourself for once and get her some help she desperately needs.
U didnt tell her when she was old enough to understand. That is a betrayal. I be mad to. My mom wasnt married to my bio dad. But my Dad adopted me. Loved him the same i knew when i was 8 yrs old. Shame. Laugh all ya want asshole. But i knew and didnt do all that. That is a huge betrayal of trust. Lying to your child about their real dad using excuse to protect them from her own dads family. Because you didnt like them or whatever. Was you not wanting to deal with his family.
Women on here lie so much its crazy. The lies ya tell yourself to make excuses for your bad behavior is insane. Than have just as messed up women acting as if its okay. Its shameful not many adults in this group bunch of excuse making, jealous women not putting their child’s feelings first only fulfilling into your crazy ass obsessions over exs that ya cant get over. Its unreal how much women in here use their child as a pawn in your twisted mental games. Not everyone in here. Seen some very dedicated mothers in here that’s rather impressing. That thinks of their child as people with real feelings. Not things to use in their sick twisted jealousy obsessions with their ex or their ex baby daddy.
Lying to a child about their actual biological parents as a way to make their life better. Hurts the child especially when they get older. Anyways when they get older they can feel something isnt right. I love my dad that adopted me because he was a father to me and he will always be dad to me. When i got older and spent time with my bio dad. There is a different connection you can feel inside because just things click.
You all can have groups like this to lie to each other but truths and facts dont change and karna always comes around to them mothers that lied and deceived their child for their mental games. Than they want to complain cuz they dont have that trust bond with their kid. My son didnt grow up with his dad. But when he was old enough to make his own choices about his dad. I told him when he was 9 your old enough to make your own choice concerning his dad whom was a pos if he wanted to see him. If he did i would contact his gma on that side and set it up with them. It was his choice he was old enough to know if things was wrong and could express it and let me know if things wasn’t okay. So i wasn’t the one holding him from his bio dad it was his choice. He chose when he didnt want to see him no more. I didn’t lie to him. To this day my son trust me the most in this world because i never betrayed him or gave him a reason not to trust me. I had a mother that lied to me as a child and teen. I dont trust anything she tells me because of it. She broke that trust playing games for things in her best interest. So lie to yourself with your using a child as a pawn in a game for what’s in the best interest of yourself and getting back at the ex baby’s daddy. You will regret it when that child don’t trust you. Karma always comes around. Lying isnt the answer.
No she has every right to be mad. Hiding shit from her and removing any known truth about her biology is traumatic and painful. I wouldn’t want to be around you
I’m not sure why all these kids these days think it’s so cool to have mental disorders. It’s not cool and it’s not a fun life for those that actually have them. It’s a good start to take the phone. Maybe continue with the counseling and maybe some tough love. Hopefully she can work through her anger and this will be a phase. She sounds kind of easily pliable so maybe start spending extra time with her and working on her from that angle.