I need advice please my 16 year old daugter recently found out that the man i was married to is not her biological father. We busy getting divorced, she met her biological father in June and he bought her a phone, since she got the phone her behavior changed, she is chatting to guys a lot older then her, sending pictures to guys, telling them that she is very sick and have anorexia which she dont have, now over the past 2 weeks school send her to talk to someone, because the thought she is having panick attacks, this person she went to talk to then informed me that she want to commit suicide i am at witsend, she dont stay with me, i took the phone away on friday and discovered all this pictures and conversations and all the lies she was telling to this guys. Have annyone experience this with their child on that age. She refuses to talk to me and hates me for lying to her for the 16 years, I did it to protect her from her real fathers family.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I lied to my daughter to protect her and now she hates me
If I found out at 16 my father was not my father but thought he was my father. I would be devastated, angry, broken. You need to seek professional help for you and your daughter. You shouldn’t of kept that from her and just let her know when she was littler. Her whole world just fell apart on top of divorce at an already tricky age. Be patient. She isn’t going to trust you for awhile.
There’s alot of rude comments here and people who just don’t understand why you’d hide this information from her. I don’t have advice on your situation, but I will say i have a very good friend whose stepfather sexually abused her (probably around the age your daughter is now), and she continued to let it happen because he also basically got her hooked on pills… which he would provide for her. And the reason her mother blamed her when she found out she was pregnant. She’s married to a great guy now, with other kids, and her daughter is now about 16 and she knows she’s going to have to tell her soon who her real father is, because she knows something isn’t right. It’s a really hard situation to be in. Just remember, as your daughter gets older, she’ll look back and start to see and understand why you did the things you did. Good luck, mama!
I didn’t know that the dad who raised me wasn’t my real dad till I was 12. She never bad mouthed him. I met him at 21 and he told me he never wanted me. I knew then there was a reason why. I was never acknowledged by him. It took me a long time to be okay with that. She protected me. She will find out there was reasons. But I’d get her into therapy
I had a friend that this happened to and it devastated her. She is now 40 years old . She still tells her mother to this day she wishes she would have just been honest with her. There’s not much you can do except keep apologizing and hope to build back that relationship with your daughter. But to all parents who are reading this pay attention and learn from this situation. Honesty is the best policy with your children. Especially when it comes to paternity
My mom went through the same thing with me when I was about that age. I had a little bit of resentment for keeping me away from my biological father. I acted out and ended up going to live with him for maybe 2 months & came back with a whole different attitude. I’m 22 years old now and I COMPLETELY understand why my mom kept me away from my fathers side of the family & I’m thankful that she did. As she gets older she’ll see who has had her best interest.
She’s 16, you lied to her, her world is upside down. You might have felt valid, but it wasn’t right. Who does she trust now?! You have to start your relationship all over again. She needs counseling, but you both need to sit with a therapist and work this out. You don’t get to rock her foundation, watch it completely crumble, and act like you have authority. She’s hurt, you’re responsible, but you want her to take responsibility for her actions? It’s traumatic, and I hope she gets the help she needs.
Coming from a person who grew up knowing that the man my mom married wasn’t my birth father and they tried to let me have a relationship with my birth father. I grew up knowing that he isn’t a good guy and I didn’t want him in my life anymore. I was only 12 when I cut him off. But my parents were still honest with me on who are my bonus parents and who where my birth parents. You LIED TO YOUR OWN DAUGHTER FOR 16 YEARS!!! She has every right to feel the way she does, I understand that we all make mistakes. To be honest, that is beyond messed up to do to someone. Regardless of what you were trying to do, she didn’t choose to come into this world. You and the birth father desided to lay down together and had a child. You need to stick her in therapy to help her out to process all of what is happening. Plus you need to show her and give her as much time she is going to need to be able to trust you again.
First, acknowledge and admit to her that you were wrong for lying to her. Leave all of your excuses out of it. She doesn’t care why you lied, right now she’s only focused on the fact that YOU lied to HER. Keep it simple. Answer her questions with complete responsibility to your actions. Have her see a therapist, she needs someone educated that she can trust. Right now, that’s not you. But if you stop, listen, and respect her boundaries, things will get better. You can not expect her to understand your reasoning behind lying to your child. She has every right to feel however it is she’s feeling. Her world was turned upside down by the one person she trusted most. Give her time, and lots of love. As for you, love yourself! Without a doubt you love her, and would do anything for her. Things will get better, Don’t give up on your relationship with her. When she becomes a mother, she’ll understand that we often don’t get it right, but we try. Please remember this if nothing else, the relationship you have with her is different than the one you have with yourself. They are both extremely important, take care of them both​:heart:
I think you need to accept your wrong doing and try to sympathise with why she feels that way and secondly I think she could benefit from some counselling. She’d essentially been lied to her whole life I can understand why she would spiral
Did my mother right this 7 years ago??? My mom did the same thing to me and yeah I acted out I was 16 got into a bad relationship with a dude that was 20 and had a horrible time figuring myself out I felt like I didn’t even know who I was anymore it was horrible. Moral of this is don’t lie to your kids especially about their own life. I have no sympathy for the mother whatsoever I have a daughter of my own and would never do this to her and for those that say she was protecting her and her dads family was bad so was mine my bio dad is in prison right now but that’s something I needed to figure out on my own and needed to understand and it would have been a lot better if I had grown up knowing I could trust my mother not to lie to me about something like this that poor girl has a rough road ahead of her while she tries to figure things out and also now knows she doesn’t have her mom she can trust
Ugh, I hate when people lie to their kids thinking it’s “protecting” them. The truth is always better then feeling like you can’t count on literally anyone. My mom lied to me about my dad growing up and I resent her still to this day for that. So, best of luck to you.
You may have did it because you felt you were protecting her but it sounds like she is very hurt by your actions. I imagine she feels like she was living a lie this whole time. She’s probably wondering what else you lied to her about since lying about her biological father is pretty huge. He is half of who she is and so is his family regardless if you like them or not. It’s possible she is acting out because of all of this. I imagine she is very confused I know I would be.
You really shouldn’t have waited so long. 16 years… yea she has a right to be pissed. However sit her down and explain to her, your reasoning as to why you had to protect her. It may take some time but she will forgive you.
This is going to take some serious therapy for her and the two of you together. There is a lot to unpack, and it’s going to take professional help not just punishing her or taking a phone away.
I’m a child of a “walk away” dad. But my mom told me when I was young.
She is starving for that time she feels she lost from her “dad”.
My son was adopted very very young by my husband, it’s the only dad he’s ever know. We did, however, make a decision when my son was 11 to tell him so that he knew and wouldn’t find out from someone else.
Honestly, she feels like she has no one to trust.
Ummmm I would probably act out and be hurt too. You’re “at your wits end”… pretty asinine… consider how SHE feels. If she’s feeling suicidal PLEASE get her the help she needs right now. Do not blow it off. Her feelings are valid. You shouldn’t have lied to her for her entire life. Good luck gaining her trust back.
That’s a big lie for a long time. She is going to have trust issues and she’s in pain. I can’t imagine what she’s going through. But I assume you had very valid reasons to protect her. Was it the right way to go about that? Probably not. Best thing you can do is sit down and talk to her. Apologize for lying, and tell her you love her more than life and you wanted to protect her at any cost. With time and therapy, she will see as she matures and gets older, and maybe becomes a mom herself, your intense need to protect her. Hugs.
My kids’ other half walked away from his responsibilities BUT I never lied about him or his existence. They know he’s an absent father and they’ve accepted that fact. Kids are more resilient than what a lot of people give them credit.
You can’t change what you did but you can certainly make amends for your mistakes. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I’m not sure why she doesn’t stay with you… but that’s another topic.
You need to take the threats of suicide seriously and discuss having her baker acted. You need to take all of the stuff on the phone and show the professionals. She is going through some MAJOR changes and she MAY be having anxiety issues. This is out of your hands now and step daddy and bio dad need to step up before she is pregnant or worse. She obviously wasn’t mature enough TO have a cell phone.
You can also make it so she only can call or text family on that phone.
She needs HELP from professionals and all four of you ( bio dad, step dad, you and her) need some FAMILY counseling… but she needs to know threats of suicide will ALWAYS be taken seriously! That isn’t something to toy around with or lie about. Period. This way she gets some help, she will be seeing a professional and they can assess her and see if some mild med for the anxiety may help. They can refer you to counseling and y’all can work together for HER.
Yikes. Well phone gone and no social media at all that was a good call because that sounds very inappropriate and dangerous. She’s not really old enough to grasp you reasons for keeping that from her so maybe some counseling and just continue to stay close and talk with her as much as you can and keep your relationship strong don’t give up. But keeping her safe is number one priority
My mom did the same thing but I found out at 18 and understood.
She’s young, she’s acting out because of your choices. This is based on how she feels so try and take it into consideration and try and be on her level.
Taking things and to many consequences will result in her getting worse.
Therapy would probably be helpful but in the end this might be something she has to figure out herself.
When I was 16 I found my bio dad and had to lie about seeing him for years. I heavily resented my mom and when I was 18 I told her I was gunna go live with him since he never lied to me. She tried to tell me WHY she had kept him from me but I had to find out for myself. Took about a year and a half before I realized she was right and apologized to her.
I was lied to my whole life by my closest family and up to now when I know the truth and ask them they deny it even I have this hate for them… Maybe you should sit her down and talk to her and tell her the truth about everything she wants to know… I would want that
… Lies hurt more then the truth even if it’s to protect the child
You should NEVER lie to your child about their father no matter how much you hate him or the family.
I dunno, personally If you can lie for 16 years about something that big I’d never trust you either.
You chose to lie to her, now she is resentful towards you. Unfortunately, this is one of the consequences of a parents lying and parental alienation. You both need to seek therapy alone and together.
Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do to protect your children. You had your reasons, and you did what what you thought was best. That’s all a mother can do friend.
Stop dismissing her feelings for one. That’s why she’s acting like that to you. Think of how she’s hurting this isn’t just about you. Y’all should have told her and or allowed a relationship with bio dad
Do you blame her??? Her WHOLE life feels like a total lie? The same EXACT thing happened to me. It’s going to take TIME. I’m almost 40 and I’m not going to lie it still bothers me. Don’t be that mom that just says it was for the best and you need to get over it like my mom did. I still don’t get along with my mom to this day!. Talk talk talk. Work through it. Mom and daughter day to talk ONE on One away from the environment she feels is a lie right now.
She most likely just feels like her whole life is a lie and can’t trust anyone (teens right 
) she will grow out of it but teens have there own little minds and even the smallest of things can disrupt them . She’s angry
We all make difficult choices when it comes to our children and protecting them. I understand completely why you did what you did. Someday she will understand why. Right now though she doesn’t have the maturity she needs to get past her own hurt. Her world is being turned upside down and she’s dealing with it by acting out and hurting you. Think of a two year old throwing a tantrum because you took away a favorite toy. The two year old can’t process why you took the toy and responds in the only way she can. Same with teenagers. They can’t process and have good judgement on everything when their brains aren’t fully developed to that point yet. I raised two, head strong, determined daughters. We went through many different and difficult stages in their teens and early 20s. At times I felt like they hated me. At times I didn’t like them very much. Now that they have some life experience and having to deal with the world on their own. They now understand that I did the best I could while raising them, that the choices I made concerning them were not always easy ones, but made for them and their wellbeing. Your daughter is young. Give her some space, some time, let her know that you love her and will always be there for her, let her know that there are always consequences to her choices as well and what she is doing could reap some very bad consequences for her and you don’t want to see that happen. Hugs momma. It will be ok.
You should have been honest from the beginning. My sister was the same way except my mom always told her her bio dad was in Cali and told her she could go and meet him when she was 18. She knew my dad wasn’t her bio dad, but he was her father. After she met her bio dad, she knew why mom kept her from him . You can protect a child without lying. But now you gotta gain ALL that trust back that you just lost.
Get that child into therapy like last year! I cannot imagine what either of you are going through. Foo not let your failed marriage interfere with her true feelings. You also need therapy. You cannot walk away from a 16 yr relationship without emotional trauma. I don’t care who left who. You need help and so does she! Her world was normal, she thought, and now it’s a disaster. Make a verbal bond with your daughter now. No more lies. Then lady, do not lie to get anymore. Give her time but not too much space. Worry for her not you. I’m very sympathetic for you but she was the victim. My goodness, what was you thinking? No matter how evil a person is, you never tell your children a lie about their parents. That’s half of who they are.
Look i was this kid… eventually she will calm down as she gets older and start to talk more and seek answers, this is HOPEFULLY an awful stage filled with insecurities and hormones she has going on which is hard enough without finding out the truth about her biological father while losing her father. Have patience and be kind even if it takes years, be open to answering questions even if she takes it back out on you, just be there for her even if if drives you to wits end because you’re her mother and she will come seeking some sort if clarity when older hopefully. Good luck <3
She needs counseling. That is a huge thing to learn at such a tender age. Then you could both do with some counseling together.
Deffo a reaction to the shock of meeting his dad. Teenagers can experience differents reactions to traumstic events. You both now need a stronger bond and to sit down to talk together. If needed, with the help of a specialist. I am so sure this is her calling for help to deal with thst event.
I don’t know what the guy is like, I can understand in some situations why someone would be scared to let their child know about their biological parent. If you know that family is going to send your kid down the wrong path or if they are dangerous people. I can understand. Idk if it’s right but I can see being afraid in some situations so it’s hard for me to judge this mom in her choices. But I can understand the present. I think you BOTH need to go to counseling to work through this. Both on your own and together. You both clearly need some guidance on how to work through this. I think anyone would. Just try to make sure she knows you love her. Own what you did whether you were right or not. She doesn’t understand and her entire world has just flipped upside down and everything she thought she knew is no more. All of her security is gone. She has to learn to trust you again. But trust is earned by many deeds. Counseling is probably the best way.
That is not something to keep a secret or hide from her…She could have known the truth and still called her step dad Dad…I see it all the time…Some things you just don’t keep a secret
My partner recently found out similar and also that his Mum had lied to him for 31yrs about his legal birth name and so missed out on meeting his real Dad because he’s now died.
He feels like everything he knew was a lie. It’s a LOT to keep from a child and she will be resenting you lying to her.
Her behaviour does show she needs support and a lot of it!
I, myself was like that. A man hurt me severely when I was about 12. And I used to seek men’s attention and act foolishly to gain their favor, because I felt as if no one would understand me. I didn’t trust anyone and I was very suicidal. What really helped me was my mom and my dad sitting me down and talking about my feelings. Not necessarily what happened. Just how I felt in that situation. Their support and unconditional love is what ended up saving my life. I’m still no where near being completely healed… but knowing that I can talk to my parents about what is troubling me helps a lot. Be open with her. Do not judge solely on her actions. Listen to her. Just be there for her to cry on. That can work wonders. Patience is a key. Don’t let her see you frustrated at her actions. It will cause her to go back into her shell and wish she was never born. At least, that is from my perspective.
What do you mean by she don’t stay with you?? Did she move in with bio dad? Did he win custody? If not are you just allowing it while saying you need to protect her from him and his family?
I understand why you would want to protect your child but it also wasnt your choice to make for her…my boys dad is a dickhead he doesnt have contact or his family but id never lie to him…ive always been 100% weather i liked it or not regarding events ect…i cant imagine someone telling me now that my dad wasnt my real dad 
This is so personal to me…my daughter who is almost 9 only knows the guy I’ve been with since she was 4 months old as her father…I couldn’t imagine telling her he’s not her real dad at such a young age and I do understand the hurt she may have when she’s older and finds out…but Her biological father wants nothing to do with her and I can’t force it…so how should she have went about this before it got to this point? I don’t keep my daughter from her bio dad, it’s his choice but what if one day he eventually makes contact and I’ll be in the same situation?
The lie you told will cause problems now. Shes 16 and extremely hormonal and won’t be the best judge of right and wrong for awhile. Like most teens. She’s mad at you and she’s probably going to stay mad for awhile. My only advice would be to probably do family counseling. Give the option to hear from someone other than you. You’re branded the liar now and that trust is going to be hard, but not impossible to get back. Just remember she’s young and knows it all. Good luck.
Honestly you don’t sound guilty enough… you’re actually like you don’t know why she’s act the way she is. You need to have an open conversation with her & APOLOGIZE. You might have been trying to protect her by lying, but that was a complete failure.
Well I hate to say it but lying to her about her father, was probably a bad idea. But I know u have your reasons.
However the scientific truth is, she has the same DNA as her father so she was bound to search or find out. Something adopted parents have a hard time with.
I remember I had to allow my daughter to be around her deceased fathers brother who is terribly into drugs. But I had to do it because she just wanted to know where she came from. So, I did it with her.
Yes there came a time where she wanted to go on her own and I had to put my foot down on that one.
16 is a rough age. You have to pick and choose your battles. If she doesn’t live with you, who does she live with? She shouldn’t be anywhere but with you. How do u take her phone?
She needs to know she is loved through the good and bad.
The lies and whatever else doesn’t matter and she shouldn’t be judged for that. I know it makes u angry and look bad but her feelings just have to matter here.
Sometimes, well most times as parents we have to push ours to the side and give in a little just to keep them safe. To keep an open relationship with them especially when dealing w this.
I suggest u push ur personal feelings to the side and just be there for HER . It doesn’t matter what she said or did in that phone.
Make her feel as understood and as safe as you can to come home and then get her a counselor.
Give her a bit of time, let her calm down and work things out in her head she’ll come to you when shes ready then you HAVE TO BE HOBEST AND TELL HER EVERYTHING. Even if you think it will upset her she needs to know yes you lied and you shouldnt have, but you did it because you thought you were protecting her and you had a good reason for lying about such a big thing . My daughter hasnt seen her bio father in nearly 2 years shes only 4 but i know this monsters gunna rear his ugly head his just waiting till shes older and i cant protect her from him all the time , kids want to know these things and when their kept im the dark or lied to and they find out it messes with their heads badly , my daughter knows my partner *(her brothers father) isnt her daddy nd she knows her daddy is a bad man but thats it was till shes a bit older and can understand
Your daughter is full of ranging hormones at this age. You had your reasons to protect her. A lot of teenagers hate their moms at this age. I had a very difficult time with my daughter. Once she calms down try to explain to her why you kept the secret. You are a good momma bear. Do keep a eye on her with her talking about suicide. Possible call for a therapist. Just show her love. My daughter put me through the ringer. At 20 she apologized fir her behavior. It’s a rough age. I got divorced when she was 9. Her real dad abandoned her for a new wife and her four kids I know great guy. Lol. Hang in there
The ones saying you LIED. No you were tryna protect her. And I should know because I was her. My real dad was a POS though. But I didn’t hate my mom for keeping it secret. I wasn’t mad at her. I knew she was trying to keep me safe.
This is a hard one…honestly blood doesn’t make you a parent it’s who raised you soo one day she will understand why you did what you did even if she doesn’t know I believe everyone would do whatever they could to give their kid a better life so I can’t really say either way what to do now I feel for you…although I don’t think you did anything to hurt her and with time I believe she will understand why you did what you did but it may take some let down from her real dad to get it…she’s 16 I don’t know a good teenager I would keep the phone all together but that’s just me they lead to nothing good so u less she’s old enough to pay for the phone she doesnt need one…good luck momma
In time she’ll understand. Though I guess that really depends on what bio dads family did. But in the meantime I highly recommend counseling for both you and her. She’s just hurt. And she doesn’t know them so she probably don’t understand why you would do that.
My girls 6 and I’m in the same situation (minus the divorce) and my sister is 29, my mom did the same thing, she found out at 18 and hated my mom for a while. She met her dad, ended up seeing why my mom didn’t want him in her life and now has a great relationship with my mom, and a decent one with her dad. You just need to sit down and have a real conversation with her. I didn’t have issues and I was doing the same thing as she is at 16, lying to guys and talking to ones older than I was, but at 16 she doesn’t see herself as a child anymore, have a real adult conversation with her and try to work out the issues you both have.
You need to back off. Be there for her. Show her that you are there and she can trust you. You damaged something inside her, and it’s no longer your job to fix her. She has to do it herself. Be prepared though, it sounds like she’s on a path of self destruction
My family did this to me, except I was 13 when I found out. She’s probably feeling a lot of conflicting emotions right now. I definitely recommend therapy, not just for her but for the family.
I know that you probably believed you were doing the right thing, as my family probably did, but she’s likely feeling betrayed, confused, feeling like she wants to rebel, wondering why her biological father’s family never took interest in her, etc. She’s going to benefit from having a professional help her navigate through all those feelings.
She’s acting out because she’s upset and confused. Just keep trying to talk to her and letting her know you’re there for her always. She will come around.
Something changed when she started talking to her real dad maybe something happened there start at beginning maybe you find your answer hope your little girl feels better soon poor kid
I knew from the very beginning and my mom married my step dad when I was like 2 or 3 she always was open about my biological father and always told me when I turned 18 if I wanted to find him that was my choice she protected me from him and still told me the truth. You’re gonna have to just wait and let this play out honestly I’d be furious if I was her too
All of you people telling her she was wrong and you don’t know her circumstances so when your child old enough to talk going to say hey I don’t let you see your dad because I was raped by him and that’s why you’re here? Think about it yes she should try to make things right and make her daughter understand why she lied to her. It’s not the end of the world as some people say she’s talking too much older guys and sending derogatory pictures and that is not acceptable! She could get herself in a whole lot of trouble! Someone thinking that she’s older than what she is. Yes she needs to get this Child therapy, but this child is using this as an excuse to act out because she wasn’t doing it before.
Maybe get her into counseling… You lied for 16 years… Maybe she’s is really feeling suicidal because she thinks her whole life was a lie…
Yikes… your heart was in the right place but your daughter just found out life altering news and you should probably be way more sensitive about it… her whole identity just changed.
“I’m at my wits end”
But your daughter is the one clearly at her wits end. Be more understanding of her situation. Of her pain. She told someone she is suicidal… find ways to support her, don’t alienate yourself more than you already have. Then get therapy for the both of you.
It is going to take a lot of time mama. You’ll have to have a lot of patience with her and if you really want to repair the damage you’re going to have to endure a lot of anger from her. I definitely recommend getting her a therapist ASAP!!! She is going to need someone who isn’t involved in her life to be able to talk to about her life. Yes, you had only good intentions behind your actions but I ultimately wasn’t the best to wait so long to tell her. I am not going to dwell on that because what’s done is done. But know that she has every right to be upset, but she definitely needs someone else to talk to so she doesn’t continue to act out in dangerous ways. At 16, she needs to have autonomy of herself and she needs to be able to make mistakes. If you want her complete respect, you’ll need to give her complete respect as well. You’ve discovered that your baby isn’t your baby anymore and the only way to get her to come back around is literally by groveling and giving her the respect and autonomy she has the right to and she will ultimately start making better decisions. Yes, she will make mistakes along the way, but that is within her right to make those mistakes. Good luck mama.
There are a lot of comments here blaming the child and angrily defending the mother’s actions and I don’t really know what to say…
She may have had her reasons but she handled it incorrectly and her daughter is paying the price. They both should go to therapy. I’m not a big fan of the language the mother is using to talk about her daughter.
Be completely honest explain exact reasoning my son did this but he is younger he found out threw another family member and I was so mad went 3 years with behavior issues… therapy meds etc… nothing worked but finally sitting him down crying and all I explained y to every questioned he asked and he now respects the fact his sperm done isn’t around…
My mom did this to my brother & He found out when he was in jail & my dad couldn’t visit him Bc he wasn’t his biological father. It destroyed him Bc he didn’t ever get answers as to why he couldn’t know his bio dad. Was it because my mom was petty? Embarrassed? Was his violent? Does he even know he has a child? He missed out on his child’s whole life & my brother missed out bonding with his father.
Talk with her. Tell her your intentions were to keep her safe and you realize now that that hurt her. Tell her you don’t want to keep her from knowing them or about that side of her, but you want to do it in a safe manner. Explain to her that one day you will give her your reasonings just right now it’s too difficult on you. Let her know your human and make mistakes. Let her know you love her and are on her side. Answer questions she may have… or again, say we’ll talk about that when the time is right, not “you’re too young”.
All of the above… but she’s also 16… that’s when any teen will throw their arms up in rebellion regardless of how stable and “wholesome” a family is. Give her a decade or 2 and she’ll grow up
How did she find out the truth ,that may be part of the issue
Should never lie cause that’s a big trust that kids of any age would never get over right away or never would. But u guys would need to seek help from a shrink and work things out
I went thru this with my daughter but told her when she was younger. It will get worse before it gets better. Let her figure it out in her own.
Yeah lying and then dumping this on her at an already crazy time in her life was wrong. You both need to go to group therapy so she can heal from it.
I left out of my comment before about the messaging older men and the lying maybe she should see a pyschiatrist for bpd. When and if shes ready for that .goodluck xx
Put yourself in her shoes…really feel what she’s going through, how would you feel if that was done to you about your father…sheesh
This is what happens when you don’t tell they truth. She going to keep acting out. Her whole life was lie
She has daddy issues. You need to get her counseling before she ends up getting raped and or murdered. Seriously.
Are you assuming she’s lying about these things? Because she could really be going through shit and your just brushing her off could be making it even worse. The school wouldn’t just make her talk to someone for no reason at all. She clearly is struggling with something. Mental health is real. People brushing it off and saying they’re lying are the reason people don’t win the fight. Just saying. Be gently and kind. Actually see if she’s struggling. Assuming isn’t the right thing to do
As far as talking to older men and sending photos I would say there’s boundaries that need to be set in order for her to receive her phone back. I always had rules regarding my phone usage when I was that age.
Of all the hurts, injuries and abuses you chose betrayal. That’s one of the hardest to cope with, work through, and fix if it can even be fixed.
She would have had resent had you only kept her away. But you chose to deceive her, manipulate her, and betray her. Give the kid some time to work through all the trauma and turmoil you’ve caused.
She’ll get through it, but on HER Time frame. And pray you get the relationship you had with her before back, but don’t hold your breath as you could have opted to keep her safe while being honest. Instead, you decided to lie and now you’re going to be the monster for a while till she works through everything.
This is why my son knows the truth about his bio dad, even though he threatened to kill him when he was born. My now partner has raised him since he was 6months, I’ve told my son from day1, he called my partner by his name & off his own back started calling him dad.
Never understand why people lie to their kids about something so important, never ends well.
Just be there for her, her life has been turned upside down, if she doesn’t want to talk ask her to communicate with you in another way, maybe write her thoughts/feelings down so you can read it privately without any confrontation.
Should of never lied, even if hes a pos. That’s hard on a child you should of told her because as an adult or teen she will seek for those people you left out.
Keep ur head up an let her kno u wanted her to be safe
Maybe now that she’s almost an adult , maybe give her the option to learn who her bio father is ?
I’m not even kidding show her what they do to people that send child pornography because they will attempt to charge your daughter for sending them. They don’t care that she’s 16 she will be tried as a juvenile
From my personal experience. Don’t take her phone and keep it. This set me way over the edge when I was 14 and my mum took my phone off me, I was also suicidal and my phone was the only thing that “saved” me.
Be gentle with her, take her to a day spa, get her nails done and do fun things with her. But don’t stop when you’ve gained her trust either. You lied for 16 years, she grew up with what she thought was her dad and now you’re getting a divorce, that’s going to impact her a hell of a lot more than you think.
She will come around eventually, but you need to try.
Pleaseeee inbox me! When I was 16, I did something soo similar and happy to give insight if you wish! X
I mean you lied to her for 16 years about who her dad is. That’s not something small.
Her behavior is definitely out of line, but you have to get to the bottom of the actual problem first.
My question is why dont she stay w you?
Is it due to this?
Join Parenting in a Tech World for advice on monitoring her phone. I personally like & have used Bark. Post this question there & you’ll get some more technical advice geared towards setting parental controls, limits/rules/boundaries with the phone & the best apps to monitor her content. Also you owe no one here an explanation of why you lied about her biological father. This is something I think the two of you need to work through with professional counseling, especially if she’s talking about anxiety & faking eating disorders for attention. Family counseling with her stepfather included would also be best aside from your sessions exclusively with your daughter because this is a family problem; not just a problem with your daughter.Good luck.
And that’s on not lying to our children. 
Go to family THERAPY thats it thats what you do to get help and the tools you need to repair this the best you can…
You lied to your own daughter family. You can’t be trusted anymore .
She is hurting mamma. I would take her out somewhere and let her ask any questions and try and be as honest as possible. Maybe a little mom and daughter time where she feels comfortable and safe talking. It will also give you a chance to help her understand why the situation turned out the way it did. Good luck
She’s hurting. Even though you did it to protect her she’s still hurt. She needs therapy. She’s acting out because the pain she feels. She’s confused and is seeking validation from anyone she can get it from.
Find her a therapist seriously. Take some time to realize she is confused and doesn’t know who to trust anymore.
Try therapy, both for her and for the two of you.
You and your daughter need professional counseling.
Get her and yourself counseling. Asap!
Get her in counseling—ASAP
You shouldn’t have done that
Sounds like she needs lots of love and empathy right now. Her world was shattered in lots of ways, and she’s trying to make sense of it all. She’s looking for comfort and security right now, and I pray she finds it soon.
16 years is ridiculous. You’ve caused a lot of emotional damage and now she needs to try and get through it. Try and get her in therapy, she’ll need it.
Hun… Counseling for the both of you ASAP. While this is pretty regular teen behavior… It’s not okay and she needs to see she’s actually self harming.
My mother lied to my brother like that and he has been going through it his whole life. Once he found out the truth or Judy got worse.
You lied to her her whole life. You need to apologize. The thing is… If his family was so bad you could’ve taken legal steps to protect her. If she wasn’t in any actual danger then you’re so wrong here and you have to recognize that. You denied her half of herself her whole life.
Also point out to her though her father had 16 years to take you to court so if he really wanted anything to do with her all that time he could’ve fought you in court but he didn’t. He did not ensure his relationship with her either so he’s at fault too bc baby best believe a real parent would never allow that mess.
My wife’s mother didn’t tell her her father wasn’t her Biodad til she was 14. It broke her trust in everyone she knew because at that age, hormones raging, already so angst ridden and full of rebellion, she still harbors really ill feelings toward both her family and the situation. Acknowledge her pain. No matter if you realized it at the time or not but you made the choice to go through with keeping this secret from her and obviously it was going to come with consequences. However we as parents only do what we think it’s best. If you were scared, tell her. If you were resentful or being hateful, tell her. Acknowledge your wrong in the situation and her feelings about that if you would ever like to move on and have a relationship with your child. Her behavior otherwise is normal for her age though risqué, but guide her. Tell her the risks and consequences. Be there to talk to her about being suicidal and her mental health. But the attitude you have is evident through your words and no matter your frustration, it will make not a single thing better. Being a mother and support system however will. And that means sometimes we as parents have to admit our wrongs and fix what’s wrong with ourselves.