I Live with My In-Laws, Who Don't Respect My Parenting Rules to the Detriment of My Kids' Health: Advice?

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QUESTION:

"I’m a mom of 4, and I recently moved to my in-law’s home for about a year and a half due to landlord issues. The issue is that I’m having a really hard time getting the rules established as to how to educate my kids with their diet, sleep times, the time with electronics.

For some reason, his mom and dad keep showing my kids bad habits, I’ve spoken to them on 3 occasions in the time I’ve been living with them, and they seem to comply for about a week, but then the issues continue.

I am desperate for advice. My 5-year-old has panda eyes due to the electronics because they seem to keep unlocking the phone at night time. My two year old has had surgery on her teeth (caps to stop cavity) due to the fact that my mother-in-law gives her about an 8-ounce cup of milk, soda, juice in her sippy cup 4-5 times a day and one more at night, and they are starting to unlock her a phone at night time.

My 11-year old I can control just fine because he understands perfectly what is right from wrong, but not my little ones. Oh, and my fourth baby is two months old."

RELATED QUESTION: My Mother-in-Law Expects to Be Waited on Hand-and-Foot When She Comes to My House: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“If you’re not gonna move out, then put your foot down. Where are you when they are being given things to drink that you don’t want them to have? Where are you to make sure they brush their teeth? Why don’t you take the phones at night?”

“If you want your own rules then move out and get your own place.”

“You need to move out, sweetie. Some grandparents can’t be taught and it’s better to move out than ruin your relationship.”

“Better off finding your own place. Never live with inlaws… They don’t respect you enough to listen to the rules of bringing up your kids. If you are there when they give said items or do what you don’t like. Step up and parent them.”

“Then get your own place? I get landlord issues, but a year and a half ago!? Grandparents are meant for children to have FUN. Not to live with and try to raise kids with. It would be different if you lived on your own and they were butting in that much.”

“Where are you when this is happening though? Maybe you should take them somewhere else for daycare if it’s while you’re at work or something. If you’re there and they are undermining you, that is a big issue that they need to respect you as the parent.”

“You need to let them know it’s not okay. If they still do it then you just need to move out. You can’t be fighting with them in their own home. They shouldn’t be making their own rules but you do live with them so there’s not much you can do unless your going to be running around making sure the kids are mostly with you to make sure they don’t do what they want with your child. I had the same issue and I tried to have my kid at all times to prevent from others in the family doing whatever they wanted and I made sure to move out within a certain time to not have more issues for when my next baby came because you also just don’t fight with people in their own home. Best thing to do is live on your own!”

“That’s what grandparents are for!!! Fun and not many rules. I suggest moving out then. You just moved into their place but you blame them for the cavities? Where are you during all of this? Confused a bit here.”

“You cannot live in your in-laws home and expect to put down rules. That’s their home. Be glad they even let you stay there. Lots of parents wouldn’t.”

“Explain to them that they are actually hurting their health, and take away anything that they give the children in front of them EVERY SINGLE TIME IT OCCURS to drive the picture home that you are over it and that you are serious… tip the juices out in front of them too, waste all their milk every time they do it they will soon get sick of replacing milk and juices that you keep tipping out…if it continues move out.”

Have a response to this question? Leave it below to help a mama out! Or leave your own question and get responses from real moms!

READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

36 Likes
2

It will never change, only long term solution is to move out.

1 Like
3

Why do they have access to her phone at night? Keep it in your possession.

4

As long as are under their roof you will have issues

2 Likes
5

Try making a schedule up and discuss it with them and keep it posted where they can see…like milk with breakfast juice with lunch water any other time, electronics off and in kitchen at 7 pm. Bedtime 8 pm…sometimes a visual aide can be helpful.

6

You and your husband need to speak to them again…who does the phone belong to ? If it’s your mil’s ask her again not to give it to your child …you put them to bed and keep checking in them if they have the phone take it away…is she looking after the kids while you work ? Hence the reason she gives so much sugar drinks ? If not it’s up to you to make sure she doesn’t…the only way to stop this is to move out

1 Like
7

May wanna find another place to live

5 Likes
8

Move out, a year and a half is not “recently”. It’s time you guys get your own place.

14 Likes
9

Are you not there when all this is going on?? Just wondering bc I dont have too hard of a time when we visit the inlaws and I have to take something away that she gives them. I just go right behind her, take whatever it is and say she can’t have this. If for some reason your kids are in her care more than yours, you will have to except the way she cares for them or not let her be in charge of them so much.

10

Your husband needs to have this talk. You’ve tried, they’re his parents. You may also need to accept that some things may be different. You’re not in your house and may need to adjust. Pick your top issues and have the conversation. Good luck.

3 Likes
11

Lots of In laws are like that, it’s like a power point like “I can do what i want and wtf do u think u are going to do about it” and I know it’s not all In Laws but it’s definitely a thing. They swear they can do what they want and how they want with our kids, and it’s so hard when it’s the little ones like under 10 that get the nasty attitudes and when they throw that attitude around u can just see your In Laws through it. Honestly u have to get your kids to understand what u say goes and u have the last word and u can say and do it In front of the In Laws so they get the point that you are In charge of your children and that’s it. They will fuss and fight (kids & inlaws) but at the end of the day u gotta work on getting on your own. Very rarely can u live with other people with your children. It doesn’t work. It might for a little while but at the end if the day it don’t work. There will always be a tugawar with your own damn kids! Once in a while u will get that in law that is on the same page and will respect u and your rules with your children. That’s the non toxic human!! Good Luck

12

If u dont like it move out.

1 Like
13

Can I ask are they rearing them or u how come they have so much time with the kids are you not around when they are doing all this

14

Move out, they’re going to keep doing this crap.

15

Their house. If you want control, move out.

1 Like
16

Time to move out. I don’t think you will solve this problem and it will eat at your relationship with your husband and then your in-laws. So either move in with a another family or learn to live. Your in laws should be respecting your rules. But they aren’t. Time to GO.

17

You know the rule of thumb is you live under my roof you follow my rules ? It’s only been drilled into us since childhood! You’re living under their roof and for quite sometime. As grandparents their just trying to keep the children happy and that’s their only job! That’s why grandparent visits are fun and enjoyable and also not daily. This is your problem not theirs they are trying to help and still be grandparents. You’re forcing them to put rules and regulations on your children when that’s not their job! You’re married with 4 kids living with your husbands parents for over a year ? That’s a you problem not a them problem. Move out grow up and allow them to spoil their grand babies when they can! Stop forcing rules when they’ve only been supporting you! If you were not there daily your kids wouldn’t be eating and drinking junk daily it’d be a treat as nana and papa do that. Isn’t that what we look forward too ? Raising our children right so we can spoil our grandchildren and send them home!

18

A year and a half is not recently… and you have a 2 month old so you had another baby before you even had a place to stay… nice. Also, how are they able to do these things without your knowledge? Are you having them watch your kids?

4 Likes
19

Why are your kids up at night/ all night? Why is the 2 year old getting sugary drinks day and night? Where are you? Where is dad? :woman_shrugging:t2:

3 Likes
20

You gave up your rights after moving into that house. Hush

3 Likes
21

Where are you when the in laws are doing all of this?

22

If you want your own rules then move out and get your own place.

22 Likes
23

You need to move out Sweetie. Some grandparents can’t be taught and its better to move out than ruin your relationship x

8 Likes
24

If you’re not gonna move out, then put your foot down. Where are you when they are being given things to drink that you don’t want them to have? Where are you to make sure they brush their teeth? Why don’t you take the phones at night?

12 Likes
25

I would be FIRM!!! on rules. No slack and take the kiddies n move out!

26
  1. Your partner needs to speak to his parents. 2. Time to go.
6 Likes
27

That’s what grandparents are for!!! Fun and not many rules. I suggest moving out then. You just moved into their place but you blame them for the cavities? Where are you during all of this? Confused a bit here.

9 Likes
28

You need to get your own place thats their house

1 Like
29

Better off finding your own place. Never live with inlaws…
They don’t respect you enough to listen to the rules of bringing up your kids. If you are there when they give said items or do what you don’t like. Step up and parent them

5 Likes
30

Not to be rude, but if you don’t want them interfering then you’ll have to move out. You can me firm with them and keep talking to them, but they are adults and it is their home so they are going to act how they want to.

1 Like
31

Move out. Get your own home.

32

Then get your own place? I get landlord issues, but a year and a half ago!? Grandparent’s are meant for children to have FUN. Not to live with and try to raise kids with. It would be different if you lived on your own and they were butting in that much.

4 Likes
33

Id move out. If they cant respect your basic rules for their health they will never respect you period

3 Likes
34

Sounds like they’re raising them too, if they have all this access to completely devastate their upbringing day and night :smirk:

5 Likes
35

Change the code on the phones and no more drinks. There your kids they raised there’s.

1 Like
36

Same issue with my mom. I had to move out. Even when I was firm she would seem sometimes like she’d try for longer than normal but the grandma spoiling instinct kept kicking it.

1 Like
37

Move out🤷‍♀️ I understand moving in due to issues or whatever. However, it is their home, and they are the grandparents. They are going to “spoil” them. A year and a half is plenty of time to get your own place.

3 Likes
38

My mom gives my almost two year old soda a lot too. On his first birthday she made a fuss because I didn’t let the jump house place give him any soda along with his cake. I just keep on top of tooth brushing and try to just give him water and milk when I’m home with him.

39

You cannot live in your in laws home and expect to put down rules. That’s their home. Be glad they even let you stay there. Lots of parents wouldn’t.

12 Likes
40

Where are you when this is happening though? Maybe you should take them somewhere else for daycare if its while you’re at work or something. If you’re there and they are undermining you, that is a big issue that they need to respect you as the parent

2 Likes
41

Explain to them that they are actually hurting their health, and take away anything that they give the children in front of them EVERY SINGLE TIME IT OCCURS to drive the picture home that you are over it and that you are serious… tip the juices out in front of them too, waste all their milk everytime they do it they will soon get sick of replacing milk and juices that you keep tipping out…if it continues move out

1 Like
42

Where is your husband? Doesn’t he have the balls to have your back? My inlaws never respected me, that’s why we left and now they’re out of our lives. Stress free.

43

I had no idea that’s what panda eye was…
Anyway! I think you should move out if it’s really bothering you.
I’ve run into this kinda situation even when we’re just visiting one of our parents and as hard to believe as it may be, that’s there way of helping you.
If they see kids running around making noise and notice you struggling a bit to calm them down they’ll help by giving kids what they think will help calm them down.
It’s even happened with my younger siblings and little in-laws where they say “if it calms them down just give it to them”
I’ve learned to budge only when we’re there and honestly it wouldn’t be super bad to let them help.

2 Likes
44

I won’t say “just move out” because I’m a complete stranger and don’t know your situation. However, I do think you need to put your foot down. YOU are the parent. You’ve got to grow a backbone and act like it. I get the milk in the cup (because kids obviously need milk) but soda and an excessive amount of juice? Oh no lol. My daughter loves her juice but she gets it diluted (10 oz water, 2 oz juice). If the electronics are yours or your child’s, completely put them away at night. Don’t just lock them. Make them brush their teeth morning and night.

I get you live in their home. Be appreciative of that. Thank them often for their kindness. At the end of the day, those are your children for you to raise in the way that you want. Work towards moving out if you can. You let them cross the boundary that first time so they’re going to keep doing it.

2 Likes
45

“That’s their house…” “That’s what grandparent’s are for.” Noooo. Not ok. A grandparent gets to spoil and be fun, yes, but ALSO respect boundries! I don’t care if it’s their house, those are YOUR children. You can respect the rules of the home, they can respect the rules of raising YOUR kids. Grandparents don’t get to spoil the health and child-rearing of a child, simply “because it’s their house.” Period.

2 Likes
46

Move out…its their home

1 Like
47

You need to let them know it’s not okay. If they still do it then you just need to move out. You can’t be fighting with them in their own home. They shouldn’t be making their own rules but you do live with them so there’s not much you can do unless your going to be running around making sure the kids are mostly with you to make sure they don’t do what they want with your child. I had the same issue and I tried to have my kid at all times to prevent from others in the family doing whatever they wanted and I made sure to move out within a certain time to not have more issues for when my next baby came because you also just don’t fight with people in their own home. Best thing to do is live on your own!

48

Why do such young children have a phone!?!?!?

1 Like
49

Move out solve the issue

50

Panda eyes is not from electronics it’s from some type of abuse. Also kids have cavities not just cause of milk soda juice :woman_facepalming::woman_facepalming: I think you’ll pulling at the stupidest reasons ever honestly so why don’t u just move out since you’re having such a hard time living there.

3 Likes
51

That’s what happens when you have a whole family living with someone else’s family. My advice is get your own place because trust me they aren’t going to listen. :upside_down_face:

1 Like
52

I’m sure your daughters surgery isn’t only lack of your mother in laws decisions that would fall upon you as the parent as well. You can’t live at your in laws & expect to have rules set. Its their home. Its parents such as yourself now a days that expect, living under another families hm. Grow up & get out on your iwn being that you & hubby have your own family & stop expecting help from the in laws yet complain from their actions. :woman_facepalming::woman_shrugging: Your children are yiung to be having phones especially if you’re complaining.

1 Like
53

I live with my parents and have a 4 year old and i set the rules for my child. My parents respect those rules. They do spoil her a little bit when I’m not home but nothing to that extent. What mommy says goes. My daughter knows that I am in charge of her wherever we are. You need to put your foot down regardless of whos house it is. Momma is in charge and make that loud and clear

54

You could take their devices away at a certain time and put them up. That would end that problem. I would just pour out all the soda and juice or tea or whatever it is they keep giving the child out. If they bought it and complain then let it be a lesson learned. If your not in the position to move out at the moment then get creative in ways for them not to break the rules you have for your kids…

55

Hide the phones in your car. Take them away completely.

56

My adult k8ds all know when they bring the grandkids to our home it’s mine and papas home…i mean I do go along with things such as dairy allergies or even a nap time. But when our grandkids are here it’s fun time… whether it’s 1 day or even years that we had 1 of our grandsons most if the time.

57

Sit down with the in laws n set them straight if you have write down on paper so they can read what is really wrong !

58

While in their home it will be harder to enforce boundaries or stop the behaviors. Best bet is to try to move out soon as you can, set firm boundaries, and if they can’t follow boundaries at that point then kids can’t visit.

59

Just move out… grandparents will always want to spoil their grandkids

60

Time to move out with or without the partner. The kids deserve better

61

I’d say get your own place!

62

How about getting your own place instead of whinging about your in laws. They were good enough to let you live there

1 Like
63

Landlord issues and over a year doesn’t look good I could see maybe a few weeks or three months but this doesn’t sound temporary and you’re having babies at your in-laws without even having your own home , you need to be responsible instead of complaining

48 Likes
64

The ideas are pretty much the same, if your in-laws came to your house or lived with you and disrespected your rules than I say take a hard line for sure. I still think for the Most part they should respect your rules regarding the issues you have stated. But you live with them, as adults. If you want to call the shots regarding your kids, be responsible enough to have your own home for them, even if it’s a shack.

1 Like
65

My advice, sit with your husband and inlaws in a neutral setting and establish some ground rules. Example, no electronics for kids after 6pm, no sugary drinks or milk throughout the day. If milk is given, it has to be diluted 50% with water. There should be rules for yourself too. Don’t rely so heavily on the grandparents if you want the inlaws to meddle less. I would not let my kids be up in the middle of the night and wake up the grandparents to the point they have to resort to electronics and bottles of milk. Where are you when thos happens?

11 Likes
66

Yea I would suggest moving too that way you are the one raising your kids. This kinda stuff is going to keep happening until you leave. It’s gonna drive you crazy in the end. We don’t know the reasons you are still there but IF you can move I definitely would :purple_heart:

1 Like
67

Sorry chica you were irresponsible enough to have to live with them so this would be the disadvantage to living with in-laws so deal or get out.

10 Likes
68

Their house their rules. Same as if you are renting, you follow the rules or you move on and in with the in laws. With 4 children your options are pretty limited.

6 Likes
69

Move. Its their house. They will never follow your rules in their house. Thats about the only option I can think of to actually solve the issue.

14 Likes
70

They are grandparents, it’s what they do. Unfortunately, they won’t change. But people being rude on this is ridiculous and you need to check yourself. You can talk till you are blue in the face but it won’t change until you are able to move out of there again.

14 Likes
71

Not to be mean but is this for real?:roll_eyes::roll_eyes: MOVE then!! Blaming the mother in law for the kid’s teeth is downright ridiculous. I’m sorry but unless they were mistreating ur kids, which doesn’t sounds like they are, in fact they seem to spoil them, u should count your blessings!

26 Likes
72

Doesn’t matter who you live with or how long no one is responsible for your kids but you. Just because you live in their house doesn’t mean they can take over the kids. There has to be rules and structure and consistency in the plan.

2 Likes
73

What about your husband? Have you confided in him about how things are? Does he agree? They are his parents and he should try to converse with them with you because he’s the common factor between you and your in laws. Also because it’s about respecting you as the mother of their grand kids. Grandparents “spoil” their grandkids but if you feel they’ve crossed the line and have done the above mentioned then you should definitely try saving up to move out because ultimately: their house, their rules🤷🏽‍♀️ but move out especially if it’s affecting your kid’s health and well being. Best of luck!

74

I’m sorry but I agree with the rest … this is their house and you can’t tell the owners of the house to follow your rules

2 Likes
75

Oof you been there a year and a half? That’s 18 months and the baby is 2 months… that means you got pregnant, carried, and birthed while living under their roof. Maybe you should be more concerned about your own parenting skills before questioning someone else’s while you live in their house.

16 Likes
76

First of all,it is their home. You are a guest.It is not worth the time,the sweat,the pressure it puts on you to destroy your relation ship with them.Find a happy ground.My parents are gone and I would let them give my kids whatever to have them back.I eat candy,drank juice and pop all my life and I am 73 and still do not have a cavity. So some things are not worth all the worry.Move if it is a problem

1 Like
77

So 1) why can’t you take phones away and lock them up?
2) while all that junk may have contributed to cavities, it is not the only reason. Genetics(dna) also play a huge role in teeth and gum health. I’ve known people to live off of pure sugar, barely if at all brush their teeth and still never develop a cavity.
I also agree with the comments about free child care, moving out as soon as able etc.

5 Likes
78

MAYBE u shouldn’t be living w them and if they have that much control over it kids it sounds like u aren’t parenting at all and leaving it up to them…oh and where’s their dad too

10 Likes
79

You’re living in their house. It’s pretty ballsy to ask to move in your huge family into a home then tell the owners of that house what to do. Of course it would be great to tell them how you’d like things to be with the kids but if they say no, what can you do? You’re relyingon them right now. Get your own place

4 Likes
80

It is their home and that’s what grandparents due . I suggest if you don’t like it move out on your own …I’m sure they do a lot of good things for you and your children and help you with your living conditions. Sounds a little ungrateful … nana

81

You need to move. Or pay them for minding your children how you want them too. If you are living free with free child care you should count your blessings. If it’s not to your standards pay for it.

12 Likes
82

Is your husband not working? Kudos to your in-laws for being so kind. Who is buying the sweet drinks for the kiddie? If they are, are they picking up the food bill too? Be a bit appreciative.

5 Likes
83

Are you an “out of the house working mom”? If yes, you have the option of moving to your own place. If no, consider getting a job (perhaps a job which you can work from a home office) to move to your own place. Take control of your life and the care for your kids. Your 11 year old seems to be a responsible kid, congratulations on raising him yso well.

84

Move out or don’t have them watching ur kids. For them to be refilling your child’s cup so much where ru and their father?

14 Likes
85

So wait! You are complaining about your in laws, (the same people that are providing you with a place for you and your 4 kids), Enough said!

3 Likes
86

You need to find your own place to live and then all these problems will be resolved.

20 Likes
87

You are staying in their home. If you want the rules to change, move out

9 Likes
88

Simple solution. Get your own place. Their house, their rules. Your house, your rules. Take your pick.

8 Likes
89

So you live with your parents with 4 kids and are complaining about small things that they do? Sounds a little ungrateful to me. Move out of your parents house then you can be as strict with food and phones as you want

12 Likes
90

Assert your independence… move out! If you can’t just yet then quit your bitching, be thankful your not homeless with starving kids… kids will adapt when your independent again.

2 Likes
91

Why are you living in their home due to landlord issues? Find a new place and a new landlord. If you are there because you can’t afford a place, sorry, then you shouldn’t be having more children while living there. Part of grandparents job is to spoil their grandkids, yet they should also respect your parenting. If this is your husband’s parents, then he needs to address the issue with them.

23 Likes
92

I’m a firm believer if that isn’t your house you don’t really have a say in how it is run!!! If gramma and gramma wanna do it then can and will!!! If you don’t like it it’s time to move out and then you can parent them yourself but as long as you need to live under their roof you can’t really say much

1 Like
93

You have a 2 year old with a phone??? There’s part of your problem!! Now to the part where you’re living in their home. Just wow!!!

2 Likes
94

Save and MOVE. They don’t have any respect for you as those kids patents .Your husband should be on your side

1 Like
95

Their house, their rules. When you have your own place, you can make your own rules.

96

Take the electronics and kids with you so you will not have problems.

1 Like
97

Where’s you husband? He should be taking care of his family or keep his punishment in his pants

1 Like
98

Move out and bring routine back into your childrens lives

1 Like
99

It’s their house their rules. Her story is so wishy-washy…Best advise is get your priorities straight and get TF out.

100

Move out! It’s their house and you will not have control until you move. Trust me.