I Love My In-Laws, But They View Me as an Outsider and Don't Include Me in Important Discussions: Advice?

QUESTION:

"I married into a great family and have been a part of it for 16 years. But no matter what I do, I have zero input on family discussions.

I am not talking legal or medical conferences, but essential discussions nonetheless. Something major happens, and it’s a family meeting, and I turn into the babysitter who watches all of the kids.

Some of my feelings have to do with the fact that my family is 1500 miles away, so I am not much involved in things with them either. I just feel like my opinion isn’t valued or wanted in either family, and it’s annoying and lonely.

Even my husband isn’t telling me the whole story about what is happening. Sorry for the rant, this just isn’t the first time I have felt this way, and it’s frustrating."

RELATED QUESTION: I Live with My In-Laws, Who Don’t Respect My Parenting Rules to the Detriment of My Kids’ Health: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“If you’re not important to them, then why go to these meetings? If I were u I would refuse to go and be used as the babysitter. Sod that! If I am not good enough to be involved even by my own husband… then they can find a new babysitter. Stand your own ground. Refuse to be made to feel like that. If you go, then you’re adding to your own frustration. Go out or say you have your own plans.”

“Felt that way for 14 years. I have a horrible family who walked out on me when my dad died. Met a great guy but his family has never & will never accept me. At least they let you babysit. I’m not even allowed in the house. And I’ve done nothing wrong but treat their son with genuine love. I wish you the best of luck. I know how lonely it is!”

“I’m in a similar boat. But they have no respect for me at all and they don’t even include me in things. Like ever. My husband has had enough of it for the last 7 years, he doesn’t go around them. That was his choice. But at least we can talk and come up with our own solutions in our little family.”

“Just give support when you can. Sometimes we just don’t need to know everything. I was left out for 19 years. But that is how his family was. I was the second wife. I don’t know if that was why or not. Just focus on being a good you.”

“Yup. My MIL just passed away and I am not included on any of the family text messages about the arrangements even though I’ve been a part of the family for 15 years, but the girlfriend of her oldest son gets to make decisions and she only knew mom for 6 months or less. Some people just need to be in charge and brag about what they are doing. I’m staying out of it so I don’t say something I’ll regret later.”

“Make yourself part of the discussion. You’re an adult and perfectly capable of putting yourself in the discussion.”

“The best thing to do is to is to give them the silent treatment and when its family meetings again let your husband know that you not gonna babysit nobodies children you have things to do and when he comes back don’t ask him questions about the meeting even when he tells you about it keep it short best answers to give him is " oh ok " and just keep yourself busy if you can go to your family for a weekend every now and then or if its family meetings go visit a friend, after all, you are part of the family and not a nanny its time to put on your big girl pants and make it clear if they don’t involve you then they shouldn’t expect you to babysit.”

“Have you told your husband or his family how you feel? If you haven’t then you really can’t get mad. Also, if you know they don’t want/ask for your input next time just stay home. Let them figure out what to do with the kids.”

“Don’t worry about it. My own family doesn’t include me in text messages… LOL, I didn’t even notice until I saw everyone’s phones light up but my dad’s and mine. He was happy he didn’t have to reply haha!”

“Stand up to them. Tell them you are part of the family just like everyone else. That you are not going to watch children anymore. That they are not yours. And that you need to start being treated l one. No one does that to me.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

25 Likes

Call a family meeting and raise your issues with them.

3 Likes

“Please arrange for a baby sitter this year because after sixteen years in this family I have earned a place at the table.”

38 Likes

Ummm yeah… that wouldn’t work for me… you have every right to be included…

9 Likes

27 years here. And they still think they go through my husband without my even knowing about it. ??? I don’t even bother take me or leave me. But you will respect me and include in personal loans your asking for. :grin:

Oh I get that. I’m still there in that position after 24 plus years. But I decided long ago, to be ok with it. 99.99% of the issues do not affect my life, nor my immediate families life. I don’t mind taking a different role with in the family as a whole.

Try talking to your husband first. He should know & understand how you feel but men are so dense and are really bad at reading us.

Next family meeting get a sitter or bring one along.

4 Likes

Girl over 33 years in here and nope just the in-law no matter how much it hurts—- I know it cuts deep at times but then I’m learning now that I need to worry about me for a change I’m learning how to say no and follow through with it!! With them I good for the grunt work but I’m not in the “family” so my opinion really doesn’t count

Don’t go let them find another babysitter

1 Like

Next family circle meeting just quietly say if I’m not included, I’m not coming. No argument. Just a statement of fact. And refuse to babysit no matter what.

7 Likes

I am so sorry. My Aunts that married into my family are my family. I don’t understand how that isn’t the norm.

Your husband is responsible for what role you have in his family. You need to have an open discussion with him first before you proceed with the rest of his family.

9 Likes

You come up with something and see who all shows then you would get an idea of their true feelings or next time if you’re not invited do not baby sit be unavailable

2 Likes

Hubby , need to step up or them headaches would be happening alot ,and would start the moment they ask for me to watch anyone elses kids besides my own during there little family meeting, and hubby would need a ride home afterwards . Girl after 16 years you need to put that foot down mine went down before the I do .

Talk to your husband. Tell him you want to be included.

Maybe 16 yrs of his family not liking you. You can’t force in laws to like you. Just because you are a wife doesn’t make you privy to the affairs of his family of origin. You can decline babysitting but stay in ur lane until invited

4 Likes

Learn to love to be alone you and your husband…talk to your husband about your feelings in regards to his family and dont bother about it afterwards, dont force it I learned the hard the way and now I just dont bother and I don’t bother helping out also because I felt I’m included when its beneficial to them and in your case when they need you to babysit when there is a family meeting ask your husband if He wants you to come and if he doesn’t plan a day out with a friend just keep yourself busy…

I get what you are saying, I’m just the sitter …

You’ve tolerated this for 16 years. I’d be questioning my husband about how much he values you as part of his family. Refuse to be the babysitter.

I wouldn’t babysit and I wouldn’t want them to involve me in their discussions either.

1 Like

Felt that way for 14 years.
I have a horrible family who walked out on me when my dad died. Met a great guy but his family has never & will never accept me. At least they let you babysit. Im not even allowed in the house. And I’ve done nothing wrong but treat their son with genuine love.
I wish you the best of luck.
I know how lonely it is!

6 Likes

Yup. My MIL just passed away and I am not included on any of the family text messages about the arrangements even though I’ve been a part of the family for 15 years, but the gf of her oldest son gets to make decisions and she only knew mom for 6 months or less. Some people just need to be in charge and brag about what they are doing. I’m staying out of it so I don’t say something I’ll regret later.

2 Likes

Don’t worry about it. My own family doesn’t include me in text messages… LOL I didn’t even notice until I saw everyone’s phones light up but my dads and mine. He was happy he didn’t have to reply haha

2 Likes

What decisions exactly? That makes a big difference.

3 Likes

Just give support when you can. Sometimes we just don’t need to know everything. I was left out for 19 years. But that is how his family was. I was the second wife. I don’t know if that was why or not. Just focus on being a good you.

2 Likes

Im in a similar boat. But they have no respect for me at all and they don’t even include me in things. Like ever. My husband has had enough of it for the last 7 years, he doesn’t go around them. That was his choice. But at least we can talk and come up with our own solutions in our little family.

4 Likes

If ur not important to them… then why go to these meetings… if i were u I would refuse to go and be used as the baby sitter… sod that… if I am not good enough yo be involved even by my own husband… then they can find a new babysitter… stand ur own ground… refuse to be made to feel like that… if u go then ur adding to ur own frustration… go out or say u have ur own plans.

10 Likes

Make yourself part of the discussion. You’re an adult and perfectly capable of putting yourself in the discussion.

3 Likes

Baby sitting!!! If I’m not good for the discussion I definitely am not good to take care of their kids…go find some place where u find peace through these discussions like for a walk or a long bath or a good book and find some inner peace and let them do as they please and so u should do as u please as well

1 Like

Have you told your husband or his family how you feel? If you haven’t then you really can’t get mad.:woman_shrugging:t4: Also, if you know they don’t want/ask for your input next time just stay home. Let them figure out what to do with the kids

2 Likes

I’m a loner, raised by nomads without extended family. I strugge with inclusiveness.
I don’t know how typical families do it, but I’m always uncomfortable in larger family settings. I do great with my hubby and our kids. Beyond that, its all kinds of awkward.
My whole life, I’m all I got, then I get married. Smh…
Knowing when you are blessed is a gift.

1 Like

but don’t u feel better u vented next time just like they say stay home tell un r husband u r not then baby sitter

The best thing to do is to is to give them the silent treatment and when its family meetings again let your husband know that you not gonna baby sit nobodies children you have things to do and when he comes back dont ask him questions about the meeting even when he tells you about it keep it short best answers to give him is " oh ok " and just keep yourself busy if you can go to your family for weekend every now and then or if its family meetings go visit a friend after all you are part of the family and not a nanny its time to put on your big girl pantys and make it clear if they dont involve you then they shouldnt expect you to baby sit

1 Like

Well… We have two seperate families here. He has his family and I have mine. After the “venting” he done to a couple of his family members about me, I can care less about being around any of them. (Still havent really forgiven him… Thats hard to do)
He doesnt like my family, except my younger sister and uncle, bc the rest are garbage, so he stays away from them.
We have been together three years and I met his mom… Twice? Met his dad… Maybe 3 times.?
It is bothersome sometimes bc you do get the “left out” feeling, but id rather feel left out then go somewhere me and my kids arent wanted… Did that before and it sucked.
But I will say, you and him need to talk about it and figure it out or hang it up. It will never work if you arent being respected by him nor them. (Especially him)… Speaking from experience… (From a previous and current.🤦)

1 Like

some people have it easy how about being treated like u the family member that the in laws dont like at all nd gossips about u all the time u will never be good enough and the same never including in family meetings when they do it’s to attack u

#storyofmylife

I actually prefer it when it’s like that. My in-laws stay near me and that irritates me cause they’d expect to see me with my husband all the time. So I put a stop to that and let him start going alone. Even when they have braais(barbecues), I let him go alone.

Oh honey I’m so sorry. I would speak up. Use your voice & get it off your chest. Let them know it really hurts you.

2 Likes

Screw them. No more going. No more babysitting. Stay home and enjoy being home alone. Consider it a gift to yourself. And him. But not really. Its about you.

I think that’s the same in a lot of families. :pensive:

Tell them what you think they might want to hear it but say it anyway.

I personally wouldn’t tag along for said family meeting to help with childcare make your husband take the kids and stay home and have a nice bath. After 16years I wouldn’t give a crap if I was accepted it wouldn’t be genuine after all that time anyways

11 Likes

I’d start by asking why I’m not included. Say you would like to be more involved. Sometimes ppl are stubborn to change

1 Like

Babysitting,?! Um hell no love the kids but honestly ain’t tryna deal with nobody kids but my own and when I get a break from them I use it. Better speak TF up.

1 Like

Your husband needs to speak up and say you’re his family so there for you’re going to be involved in the " family meetings"

1 Like

Stop going. When your asked why speak up. 16 years your opinion should count.

Time you had a family meeting and lay your feelings on the line and next time something comes up say I am coming not watching a house ful of kids

This use to be me… Had to put a stop to it… It cost me my relationship of twenty years… Didn’t mind tho… I have a voice now…SPEAK THE HELL UP…when they value you they will hear you… If not… know your worth…

3 Likes

Don’t go, don’t look after the kids, let h explain why, if he’s got any balls.
Tell him them or your family pal.

1 Like

Its not a big deal. Its their family!!

No big deal, the same here and I am the happiest. I wouldn’t be a baby sitter either.

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What kind of family cuts out a daughter in law of 16 years? You are good enough to mother grandchildren but not worth listening to? Not only would I not go, but I would restrict their access to any grandchildren when they arrive, until I was treated with respect. That’s what I did and it worked wonders.

You are a by law though. After 16 years you are still seeking inclusion.You should know by now your opinion is not wanted. On the matter of babysitting I would have something to do and somewhere to go .All you need to ask your husband is the when. Curiosity.Why would you want to have input in their do so that any contribution might come back to haunt you? Worry about your immediate family not his.

It wouldn’t of taken me 16 yrs to voice my opinion. I’d tell them exactly how you feel and if your not part of discussions, then I wouldn’t go to any family things. But yes your husband should be the one to stick up for you also and say something.

I say continue to do the baby sitting you are able to show the children that every person is important and matters as to opinions and being allowed to share it… I wouldn’t want anyone but my immediately family to make decision with me about our family I am not saying that I wouldn’t sit down with you privately and let you say your peace but I can understand this family not wanting any input from anyone but those who have been there…

You say you married into a great family and then complain that they leave you out of family discussions and use you as a babysitter. Sounds like your husband’s family isn’t so great and neither is your husband. And this has been going on for 16 years?? Obviously they don’t think much of you and it shows. You must enjoy being treated badly or you would have done something about it by now. You obviously have a self esteem problem or you would not lie down and continue being a doormat. Get on some antidepressants and go see a therapist so you can get some help.

dont babysit mind your own and go about your own

First, just because you’re not involved in discussions and decisions with your own family…doesn’t mean that you automatically need to be involved in discussions with your in-laws. That is unfortunately not really how things work.
Second, its important to understand that every family is different. While some families, are up for these big discussions with everyone others tend to be a little more private.
Both ways are ok.
It sounds as though your in-laws fall in the latter category.
Third; if these discussions are sensitive or not for little ears someone has to keep the children away from the discussion.
It being you…I know doesn’t seem “fair” but if you’re good and responsible with the children and not central to the discussion then it actually makes sense.

My husband isn’t excluded from conversations but he’s often left with our boys while my family and I discuss things. Not because we want to exclude him but because otherwise I would be excluded.
But I tell him everything.
I know it can feel like your opinion doesn’t really “matter” but I dont really think that is what’s going on here exactly.
I think your in-laws are probably super private people. And I think the discussions are probably not for little ears.
Talk to your husband. Don’t bitch. Don’t nag. Don’t blow up.
Talk.
Let him know it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like you’re excluded from the family.
And if it’s something that involves you directly that you feel like you should get a say in something like that.
Sometimes talking and being honest and showing your vulnerabilities will get you a lot farther than…
Showing anger/annoyance
Or
Being passive aggressive (silent treatment refusing to watch kids)
In fact I’ve seen both tactics create way more issues than they actually solve.

Sometimes you are too smart for them so just don’t babysit or even ask what’s going on

Tell your husband that you are part of this family too and deserve to be included even if its just for support.

I know the feeling you want to suggest maybe u should do this and they act like you dont know what you are talking about and I am not even a inlaw

I stopped giving a f----.
The only thoughts, feelings, sayings, e.t.c. that matter to me in this life anymore are my grannys and the family I made. The rest are too frustrating and will drive you wild.

Let it go. If they don’t include you, don’t include them. Plain and simple.

1 Like

Far as I’m concerned your part of that family even if you married into it that makes you just as much a part of it as everyone else. Your husband chose you as his partner and he should respect your decision and choices just as everyone else.

I yeah feel same almost my husband passed away and at family gatherings it seems like I am watching the kids in the pool and on play structures. And I would like to visit them as well.

What besides legal or medical are they having private “family meetings” about lol. Maybe your husband needs to not be part of them and let each branch deal with their own stuff… or just stop going.

Yeah I’d stay home too. Let him take the kids if he wants and if they want to. No shame in removing yourself from (please excuse the wording) toxic situations. If your there just to watch their kids then they need to make other arrangements.