My husband and I have been married for three years. The abuse has been real, to say the least. I have kids from another relationship, and so does he. Before we met and married, he gave his kids to his mom. I tried being the good gf at first, going to his mom’s with him daily to spend time with the kids. They started calling me mom… I DID NOT WANT THAT bc they have a mom, but she’s never been around. I would just always correct them and tell them just to call me by my name. However, one of the kids slipped up one day and called my mom in front of their Nana, and she was not very happy about it; in fact, she said that unless my husband and I got married that the children could not call me anything close to that. As I was already uncomfortable with the situation, I didn’t say anything and went on with my life. I started not wanting the children to come around anymore because of all of the rules that his mother has put in place for his children. They come off as biased towards his kids. They’re not allowed to have red dyes. Be vaccinated. The list goes on and on. It got to the point where I couldn’t keep up with my own kids and the rules of his kids, so I just kind of gave up. My husband and I constantly have fights over the fact that I don’t want his children to come around anymore because I don’t want to deal with all the rules. I know it seems selfish, but his mother just keeps coming up with more and more rules as if she wants me to stay away. I do love his children, but I’m not their care provider, And I’m not allowed to do any of the things that I deal with my own children with them. We now have our own child together, and banana never even calls about our son. He claims I hate his children and that I don’t want them around for other reasons that I’ve already mentioned that is not the case, and I’m lost on what to do. How can I grow to love my stepchildren as much as possible? Our families hardly even come around each other anymore, and it seems to be getting worse for my husband like I said I already do love the children, but I cannot deal with the rules. Any advice is very much appreciated.
You not wanting his kids around is fucking selfish. Boo hoo their primary care provider has rules. Grow up.
Why are his kids with his mom and not him? That seems to be the root of the problem and if you remedied that part everything else would fix on its own
Why are they still living with the grandma and not you guys?
If they live with you guys you guys set the rules
Hate to say it but if grandma is raising them she makes the rules. He should be taking care of his own kids.
Exactly why doesn’t he take his kids and raise them. Then her rules won’t matter
Maybe it’s time to step up and for your husband to take back custody if HIS children
Let him take care of his own kids. Smh. If she’s raising his kids she makes the rules. Tell him to man up and take responsibility. Why did he have more kids if he cant take care of the ones he already has? Just curious. Not trying to be a dick that’s a legit question.
If he gave his children away to his mom, she gets to make the rules. It doesn’t matter what you think honestly. She raises them, it’s her decision. Your husband should man up and raise his own kids!
Why not try to get custody of them and you adopt them as your own. Then y’all can do as you please with them.
They are his children and if he doesn’t want to abide by HIS moms rules for the kids then that’s his choice bc they are his kids and not hers. He needs to put his foot down, if he wanted his kids to be there they’d be there with y’all and you wouldn’t have a choice. 
but I also think you need to just make your own parenting decisions when you have them at your house. If they can’t have red dye for medical reasons then so be it, it gives my daughter nightmares so I try to avoid it as well. Seems like moms a little bitter that y’all can handle your children together but you don’t want to get his kids back from her. She’s probably over raising children. 
Weird that he doesn’t have his own kids. I mean, their mom left, so custody goes to him. Yall are obviously okay financially, so … why are his kids w his mom? Sounds like he wants to parent when its convenient to him. But I will say that as long as the kids are with her, she can make the rules. Either he gets his kids with him, and yall do family therapy, or … you can call it quits and be done with that type of drama.
You sound really whiny and your “man” should be raising his own kids.
They are HIS KIDS. If you don’t like it LEAVE. Those kids should come before you anyway! You can’t not let his kids come around because you don’t “like the rules” that’s insane. It isn’t the kids fault.
If you can’t love his children as your own (regardless of Nana’s rules) maybe you should move on…
They will ALWAYS be his children
If he is daddy then have the kids living with daddy. Common sense. His mother raised her damn kids she isn’t mama to her grandkids. She dont know her place because he ain’t doing his job. I would either have him get his kids back and cut out the bullshit parenting or leave and never look back.
Unfortunately if dad doesnt want to parent and asked his mom to do it you have to respect it. I personally would want to know what and why a parent let’s their kids go be raised by their parent… red flags… hope he fathers up and raises his own kids.
Why would you marry a man that wasn’t raising his children? And why would you have a child with that said man?
He needs to man up instead of name calling. They are his kids and yet it sounds to me that he doesn’t or doesn’t want to have any say in their upbringing? This is not sounding like a very stable relationship. As far as his mothers is concerned, he needs to stand by your side and tell her to back off and shut up. Good luck.
Having rules , as crazy as they maybe to you , is not a valid reason for not wanting them babies around . If you can’t love and accept those babies as your own , you need to re-evaluate your marriage .
His mother is raising the kids, then she gets to make the rules. And if your going to be with him that means expecting the crazy rules and being around his kids.
First of all, she’s raising them you follow her rules. You’d expect the same thing to be respected with your own children. Secondly, those are his children and he has every right to have them around just as much as you do with your other children. The only way you can grow to love them is to accept them fully- crazy rules and all.
You are the wedge keeping these families apart. You signed up for this when you agreed to marry him. This is all stuff you knew beforehand.
He should get rid of u…getting rid of his kid 
something really wrong with u it just… what wrong with him is the question… never put no man or a woman before your kids just sad 
The first mistake you made was getting with a man who gave his own kids up. Second if those kids live with his mom and he only comes around to visit then yes it’s her way or no way. If you don’t want his kids around because the person raising them has rules then leave. It’s not the kids fault your husband chose not to take care of his responsibilities.
If she’s the one raising the kids, she gets to make the rules for said kids. Plain and simple. You can’t just not let his kids come around because you’re sick of the rules. That’s extremely selfish of you.
so why are his children with his mother?
Let your husband deal with all of the extra rules. The rest of the kids deserve their normal day to day lives and they’re the ones living under the same roof with you. He gave his kids to his mom, he can keep his opinions about it to himself.
Sounds like neither of you are good for those kids. Why do they live with his mom if he’s capable enough to have a child with you? Wth?
I am a step mother to 3 kids. Ages 12 7 and 4. Been for 3 years now… I couldn’t image talking the way bout them the way you talked bout your step kids… I don’t get why he would give up his kids when you guys got together?? My step kids call me mom sometimes other times my name. Me and kids both say they r lucky to have two mommy’s that love them. Your in a relationship right? Then their your responsibility your kids your family… Don’t want them? Then leave and let their dad find someone that’s able to handle the situation. 💁
All of u people are ridiculous. Yeah theyre his kids but hes not the one raising them. Hes not the one making the rules. He needs to get his kids back so they can parent the way they want to.
I agree some of her rules are ridiculous but she’s the one raising them so she has the say so. He needs to get it together and get his kids under his roof.
Why doesn’t he have his children?? Giant red flag. He needs to grow up and raise his own kids!
it’s hard to have mixed family I came from one. now I live it with my daughters family temporarily. As they growup they have their own ideas. So get your rules straight now.
Would you still say the samething about not wanting them around if birth mom had the kids and had the same rules?
Okay for everyone asking why would she marry a man or get with a man that doesn’t have his kids, that’s not our business and there’s nothing wrong with it. I have other children that I do not have custody of (not because I’m a bad mother) and I got remarried and am carrying my second child with him. Just because a person doesn’t have custody of their kids doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. Judging someone because of that makes you a bad person.
Why would her rules apply in your home?? Why doesn’t dad have his children?? I never let any child do anything at my home I didn’t let my children do. I sat the rules for my children so why his children where there my rules would be followed. If dad did not agree then he could go to Mom’s house and take care of his children there. If he wants to be a father and husband then he could bring his children home. Good luck and God bless 
So your hubby is mad that your not comfortable with having his kids around due the rules and health situations but he gave them away? Wow…
Just tell your husband the rules are different in our house.
Why did he give his kids to his mom? How can he say You hate his kids when he gave them away when it seems like he could totally have them. He has a willing partner to help him (you) and he even has a child with you now so wtf?? Why did he give his kids to his mom he needs to get them back and man up so you all can be a family without his mom’s drama!
The red dye things real. Sorry but 1 my son has diatary restrictions that seem stupid to anyone that doesn’t know why and YOU NEED TO RESPECT THOSE.
2 it’s not your right to vaccinate HER kids. Not that I agree with her
Why are you taking your feelings towards their grandma out on those kids? They obviously love you, they don’t understand grown up choices like vacations and such yet, they only know when they don’t get to see the people they love. Work it out, do not push those babies away just because they have too much baggage.
Find a way. They are your husbands kids. They obviously care very deeply for you to call you ‘mom’. Please find a way. The kids are innocent in this situation… it’s bad enough that he sent them away to live with his parents. Don’t make it worse for everyone. Be the hero your family needs! 
Back up the abuse thing…whatttt
If he is stable enough to be having more kids with you, then why has he not gotten his children back? And if he is not stable enough (and his mother knows this), I’d say that she isn’t the problem…he is. Maybe she feels that she’s going to have those kids regardless, so she is going to raise them how she sees fit. Which is how it should be, if he has no intentions on getting them back. So, if that’s the case…you are going to just have to suck it up and deal with it as best as you can when they are around. She is their acting parent…so you have to respect her rules.
well red dyed not in any kids diet is a good idea. vaccines have hurt some babies.
First and foremost-- GET HIM TO GET THEM VACCINATED.
red eyes cause kids to be hyperactive. so it’s a good thing to do for all the kids
I think it is time to really grow up! You should never dictate to your husband when his children are allowed to be around! It’s not their fault! Grow up!
vaccines are up to the mother
All i can say is i feel so sad for these kids all the way around
When the kids are in YOUR home they go by YOUR rules. Stop giving his mom so much pull. U need to learn to pull back. People treat u the way u allow them to. U also need the support of ur husband when speaking to his mother.
Ummmm red dye is pretty bad and causes a lot of hyperactivity in some children maybe her “rules” are to help the kids and maybe you should grow up and act like a parent
“The mother was never around but my husband gave the kids to the mom” honestly I’m sorry but your story makes zero sense and if you married him you married his children . I would get a divorce if my husband didn’t want my kids around
You need to grow up.
So dont worry about those
another thing to cut is drinks with caramel color
personally I think the side industry should be banned
Maybe to keep up with everything have her right down what she wants and expects. The kids shouldn’t be punished by their mom’s rules by not allowing them to come over. I get its hard but there are ways to make it easier. And if the kids felt like you were more of a mother figure there honestly isn’t anything bad about then calling you mom. If I had step children I would be delighted they would want to call me that. And the nana has to right to say what she thinks her grandchildren should feel towards you or call you. Just ask for a list
Your husband needs to throw your ass out. I’ll be damned if someone tells me I cant have my kids around cuz they cant deal with rules. Those rules are there for the children for a reason. Grow up or get out.
If you absolutely cant tolerate it, you need to leave the relationship… its totally unfair and honestly fucked to expect him to choose you over his kids
Those rules shouldn’t apply when they are at your home , u set the rules it’s your house
Why doesn’t he get custody of his kids again and tell nana to stay out of it
You sound very controlling and insecure. Also, perhaps you should have taken into account how you felt about his children before getting married and pregnant by him. Those poor babies.
Sounds like she has their best interest at heart and has researched. Maybe you should spend some time with her and get to know her reasons. Might help you AND your kids…
Wow. I really hope this is just a troll because right now I feel horrible for these children.
First when you marry anyone with kids you gain the kids as well regardless the situation. Secondly, if she doesnt want them to have red dye or be vaccinated that’s up to her and you should respect her on that and not take it out on the kids. I am a mom to 8( 4 step) but you wouldn’t know that if we didnt tell you. There were rules I didnt agree with but I didnt push the kids away for it…I adapted bc I’m the adult and one who chose to have them in my life but marrying their dad!
How about your husband gets custody of the children from his mother. Then you can make your own rules. I agree with the red dyes rule, but no vaccinations???
Why would you be with a guy who gave up his kids?? Its fucked up that you wont allow his kids over cuz of some stupid rules. Also he cant take care of his own babies but you have your kids living with you both? Sorry but thats shitty parenting
A grandma that controls everything, a dad that gave them to grandma, a mom who left and a step mom that doesn’t want to be called mom and doesn’t want them around. Who tf do these kids even have? Hopefully they have other family or friends that love them
If those kids are comfortable calling you mom, step up to that plate.
Falling back gives others too much say. You are their stepMOTHER and clearly their mother is not available. You married that responsibility.
He needs to divorce you and be a real father to his kids. You NEVER give up on those you love.
Raising kids alone is not easy for anyone let alone a man. His mom was raising them before she came into the picture. Why he hasn’t got them back is weird but The fact that they fight continually because she doesn’t want to be around his kids, is a good sign he loves his kids. Some men would be ok with walking away for a woman. If you can’t stand being around his kids and you love him like you claim you do, you need to figure out a way to be a good step parent or leave because he and all of his kids deserves better.
You sound like you suck.
Having stepchildren can be complicated as I have one. She’s an adult now but still. Her mom always gave me a hard time about how to treat her daughter and what she could do and not do. It really got so confusing for my stepdaughter that I finally told her mom that when her daughter was in my house my rules applied and when she went home then her rules applied. My step daughter was so much more calm knowing that there were limits and rules in both homes. Just be you and do what you think is best in handling the situation. To me it sounds like nana is trying to intimidate you and she is succeeding.
How can you love his children as much as possible? You seem to contradict yourself with that question… I am with “nana” on the healthiest of lifestyles, my brother growing up, suffered from ADHD and some learning disabilities and wasn’t allowed red dye(s) either, that’s pretty common knowledge that they are extremely harmful to your brain and a developing child. I do not allow my children processed foods or sugars ( as much as humanly possible) they do get some, obviously, because of convenience sake. They are not allowed to eat McDonald’s, I think nana probably has some really good rules! You could learn a thing or two from her, if you were open minded. Seems like you aren’t and this whole post needs to be a discussion you have with your husband and her, not strangers on social media, who are not getting the whole story at all.
The best thing for both of you is for you to Divorce him go on about your life and then he can see his babies… no matter the rules he should be able to see his kids without you saying no because of rules…
So if you and he seperated, you would be ok with his new woman telling him she doesn’t want the kid you share around right?
A lot of your story doesn’t make sense. He gave his kids to his mom so she can raise them however she sees fit. It sounds like those kids don’t have parents who are involved so you should respect the person who’s stepped up to raise them. While y’all may be married, if his kids live with his mom, you’ve got no rights to them and you should probably focus on your own child. As his kids get older and hopefully as he becomes a more stable and involved parent, you can then be a loving stepmom to them. As for his mom not being involved with your child, I think there’s more to this story about why she doesn’t like you. Focus on your own child and encourage your husband to be more involved with and regain custody of his other children, AFTER that you can worry about your role as a stepmom. I personally believe that if you love someone with kids, you automatically love their kids there’s no forcing yourself or learning how, it just happens. If you don’t love his kids and respect the woman who’s raising them, maybe you need to leave the situation.
Kudos to him for fighting for his kids as well.
Not vaccinating a child is just out & out STUPID. Growing up I had the chicken pox, mumps & the measles as there were no vaccines for those yet & let me tell you those are MISERABLE!! As for the rest of your story it sounds to me like you just dont want to deal with his kids, which is pretty selfish on your part. Then you said the kids called you mom in front of their Nana & she flipped shit saying you had no rite to be call d that as you weren’t married to their dad but then you called him your husband. You need to either grow up or get out
How about doing stuff together as a family? Yours, mine & ours on a field trip to a park, museum, play place. Leave nana at home or bring her along. Just get everyone out of their environment and create happy memories.
Sit down with your man & discuss what you are & are not willing to do. Both of you may have to compromise.
Why is nana raising his kids in the first place? Why couldn’t he do it? Why don’t they live with you both vs. nana? What happened to their mom?
Marriage/family counseling would be a good idea. Sounds like your man is a mama’s boy & needs a professional to set him straight, and some third party mediation could help the 3 adults come to an agreement.
If the kids look at you like a mom, do not abandon them! Clearly they love you. If you can’t take being with them, call, Face Time & write letters, friend them on Facebook or whatever if they’re old enough to have an account.
Maybe reassure nana that the kids will always love her & come to her for advice no matter how old they get. She probably feels like she is being displaced by you & that is why she is making it difficult for you. Assure her you are all on the same team, that all of you want what’s best for ALL the kids, and that your kids need her too (even if it doesn’t feel that way now).
People usually grab for power when they feel powerless, are controlling when they feel they have no control.
I’m confused “unless my husband and I got married…” but aren’t you married?
I can understand no red due for health reasons, but no vaccinations? What are other rules, and are they really that hard?
You sound like you have issues. Those are his kids. He gave his mom custody for whatever reason. Obey their rules or get out of their lives.
I dont agree with her no vax rules and wouldnt allow those children around mine but you are his SO. You chose that life. You chose to be around the children. You can not just say they aren’t allowed.
Not vaccinated, they wouldn’t be allowed around my immune-compromised child, so…I feel you. I can imagine the fights this would bring up…
First of all, those arw HIS kids.
HE should be making the rules not his mother.
And he GAVE them to her??
(Yes im a step parent. Its insanely hard)
First id be like…dude. who tf are you to even be remotely trying to take care of mine and some other dudes kids when you don’t have your own.
Second. Straight up, if he thinks that. Tell him to stfu, get his kids back so you have the chance.
Unless she has full legal or physical custody tell him to bring his kids back into the home and make them apart of the family.
Its not on you. At all girl. Its his mom. And him.
100000%
If your husband gave them up to his mother, then he gave the decision making up to his mom… I’d say he would need to regain custody. I pray this works for you… and blending families is a hard thing and even harder when you have situations like these. But I do say she is smart with the no vaccinations! Its def. A hot topic now days, but honestly do research on them and you’ll clearly see why she feels that way!
I mean nothing different then my kids going to Grandmas house … They follow her rules and I’m fine with that them they go to other grandmas and I’m fine … And then come home all crazy but they have rules here as well … Idk if I make any sense but I feel both of you need to have those kids not his mom
Im sorry. But most of these comments are pissing me the fuck off.
You people should be absolutely disgusted with yourselves.
Unless you’re a step parent. Fuck off.
You have little to no room to speak on what kind of person you even think she is.
I have 4 kids.
2 step. 2 bio.
This shit is HARD.
People say the hardest job you’ll ever have is to be a parent. And thats fucking false.
The hardest job is being s step parent. Holy balls. Y’all need a bit of a wake up call.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Wow like his kids are more important then you sorry
They arent your kids. Dad gave them up so it doesnt sound like he gets much say either. Just treat them as if they are neighbor kids, with respect and kindness. I’m not really sure what the issue here is.
Enjoy having the children that is important now if nana is with them she needs to button the mouth in front of your kids … she needs to respect your wishes also … and it’s none of her business what you do with your children as the kids are yours not hers . If she isn’t happy about it tough tittums she sounds very controlling so you need to stand your ground … if the kids come over to your house set rules about nanna staying at her own place .mind you if your husband is nervous round his mother then you may have bigger problems in dealing with him too.
You don’t want his kids around because of the rules you have to follow get a divorce then quit trying to take their father from them as well you already said their mother is not around and now you don’t want the father to be around them as well how would you feel if he put you in the same position I hope he picks his kids over you
Why is he not trying to get his children back and the whole red dye thing is understandable especially if a kid has been diagnosed with ADHD it can make them more hyper I know this from experience with my own child I know vaccinations is a touchy subject but no way would I allow unvaccinated children around mine
First off i cried laughing when i read “banana” never calls
Too bad that all the characters in your story can’t put the kids first…so much adult strife makes kids insecure. Your house, your rules. Either put your foot down or leave. Insane.
I thought this was a place where someone could get help and legitimate advice…
It’s no wonder people ask questions anonymously. This comment section is toxic. 
Maybe you need to have a sit down with him and his mom, see where she is coming from with her rules. They may make sense once you hear an explanation. Maybe she’ll have a little more respect for you and you can start to mend your relationship.
Why would any man just give his kids to his mother? I’d say Nanas rules need to apply since neither of you are interested in raising these kids. It breaks my heart that he would give up his children yet raise yours and the one you have together. To me that is despicable. Respect and deal with the rules considering you both are ok with nana raising them. Y’all gave up your right to have a say the moment you did that.
Wow 
completely shocked at this post ! I would be honored that a child that I didn’t bring into the world loved and respected me enough to call me mom ! I would also support these kids in anyway I could ! I would push my husband to fight for his kids ! You have a child with him yet u don’t think his kids deserve to have there father because it’s to hard imagine how it’s is for child to go back and fourth and wondering why ur child is good enough for him to raise but he couldn’t raise them 
Honestly she gets to make the rules. He gave them up and unless he wants to fight to take them back y’all are lucky she lets him see them at all. And she probably is pushing you two away from them. Their mom left them, their dad left them in her care and then you came in and they started calling you mom. Imagine how much that has to hurt her. And how much hurt she has to see coming from them wanting to go see you two and you don’t even want them there. You are selfish and she doesn’t think you will fight to be a decent stepmom and she’s right.
Don’t mean to be rude or hatefull, but simply put, there not your kids, you need to deal with it or move on.
If they belong to his mother, then it’s her rules. But honestly, fuck whoever’s kids they are. My priority is my babies and no unvaccinated children are coming near us. He can go visit those nasty kids at his mom’s house. I’ll stay home with my children. Thanks anyway.
lol. Crazy ass people.
what? maybe love and treat them the same as your own…