I never felt love as a child. I was the oldest of 7 , I grew up being the family disappointment, and I still to this day struggle with being jealous of my siblings…I was always the one who cared for them, my mother was so obsessed with my father that he always came first and our needs were put on the back burner. He didn’t like her and spent most of his time at the bar and fishing with his friends. At the same time, she spent most of her time doing everything for him and nothing for us. I was forced to babysit all the time, I wasn’t allowed to go out with friends, I had no freedom to do anything whatsoever, which in turn caused me to rebel at the age of 16. My parents still do this day will make comments about how horrible I was as a teen and how I never did anything good with my life…but they never took responsibility for their actions, I wasn’t allowed to even show feelings, I had to bottle everything up or else I was a “cry baby”. Even as I got older, had kids, and made something out of my life, I am still looked down upon. I was the test child; my father never even told me he loved me but said it to my siblings all the time. So I grew up not feeling the love…I am older now and, for the most part, have moved past these feelings and have come to the conclusion that they will never admit or own up to what they did to me in the past, but the issue is, I sometimes feel a tinge of jealousy seeing my parents happy and involved with my siblings. They are over the moon for my sister’s pregnancy and are doing so much for her when I was always on my own and never had any support or love from them; they are thrilled my brother is getting married and helping him plan when I once again, never got anything from them. There is no point in telling then how I feel as it would cause an argument, but I want to move past this even more. All of the hurt has truly made me a better person, but I want to fully feel no jealousy or resentment toward them…how do I go about this? How do I finally feel free of these feelings? I just wanna move forward.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I never felt love from my parents while growing up: How can I move past feeling resentment?
Talk to a therapist. && distance yourself.
As an oldest child myself I’d suggest therapy to work through those feelings you can’t always do it by yourself.
Good luck 
Therapist and cut em off for awhile
Counseling, acceptance of their faults, self love 
I just let the past go. I had to for ME. And my mom and I bonded as I was an adult she got to be apart of her grandkids lives. And no regrets the day she passed recently. It is hard to move on but it is worth it if your able to build any for of relationship
Forgive them so you can heal !!
Sophia Poulos these bloody narc parents
That’s such a horrible feeling!!! I think some counseling would be helpful and healthy for you.
Maybe find a good therapist you are comfortable with.maybe write your mom and dad a letter.
Therapy, and also inner child healing. Parent and love yourself the way you needed when you were growing up The Holistic Psychologist has so many wonderful posts dedicated to this topic.
You realize they didn’t heal from whatever they went through. Everybody has a past. Some never do the work to the heal. Some never realize their broken.
Most importantly, you forgive them. Forgiveness is about you; not them.
Therapy can help.
Do the work & stop the cycle. 
I was pretty much treated the same way. I’m the one girl and I was the one raising my brothers. The way I was able to get past it was moving to Ontario from BC my mother is not part of my life and she doesn’t know about her great grandchildren
I was the oldest of 6, considered the disappointed, and have 0 relationship with my dad. I’m okay with that. I have found peace with it and keep it moving. I refuse to let past crap I can not fix eat me alive. I have a great relationship with my sisters and my mom passed when I was 17 unfortunately. You need to find peace and move forward, it’s not healthy to live everyday with resentment and grudges. Because I can promise you the only person that it’s still affecting is you.
You need therapy. And find some joy. Don’t let no one have the power over you. Don’t let anyone take your joy. Blood or not. I don’t give a rats ass who is what and how much blood of yours they have. Cut them like a bad habit. You can love someone. From waaaaaaayyyy the fuck over here. Please this was the best advice I got, and the best I can offer…
Don’t stop being who you are, because ass holes are assholes. Regardless of how much you love them, don’t let them change who you are inside cause they can’t love you the way you need. Good luck!
I first want to say I’m sorry that you experienced this. Secondly, parents are imperfect. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, it just explains that some people never look at their parenting and try to correct it. I personally think I would write them a letter, then forgive them (for your sake) and let them go. The more you engage with them, the longer they’ll go on hurting you. You are expecting something that probably isn’t going to change.
Um sorry I been through same thing I’m 55 my family hasn’t talk to me since I was 17…it hurts not seeing my family …I’m lonely but life goes on I do best I can…best luck to u
I would definitely reach out to a mental health professional, as they can help you sort of your feelings and help you best to move forward. I’m so sorry this happened to you 
All my love to you.
sometimes it’s not about you. Most of the time it’s not. It’s about how they aren’t properly equipped to be good parents. They don’t even KNOW it. They can’t see it. Just accept and move on and properly equip yourself. My parents were good at some things and really sucked at others.
Coming from a.home where I was physically and mentally abused… My life wasn’t easy.at first but things turned around when I knew I wanted better for myself…I began reading books.Meditating. Working out. Taking care of myself. It’s a trying PROCESS… but understand that those ppl who couldn’t love you also had a childhood and experiences too…we have to break the cycle and be a bigger person by showing forgiveness and acceptance of EVERYTHING that was and that is. I didn’t take counseling but I educated myself trained my mind to think new wholesome thoughts. Along the way you will meet ppl who will love you and things will transform…people will admire you and your light will heal other ppl who’ve gone through simular experinces.
THE BEST thing to do is Forgive… easier said then done. AND CUT OFF CONTACT. It will hurt so much… But it’ll hurt more with them being able to have control over how u feel.
Ooof forgiveness is hard. You’re not forgiving anything they did or do. You’re forgiving yourself for having not known better then. You know better now. You know that your self worth doesn’t come from what anyone, not even your own parents, thinks of you. Honey that is their business. You are enough. You have always been enough. You will always be enough. Question the lies your brain tells you. Treat yourself like someone you love. Would you speak to them the way you speak to yourself?
Sending love and light!
Cut them off, remember it’s for your mental health
I just love these groups I am in.
I’m sorry. But I would forgive them and then cut them out. Your children don’t deserve to grow up feeling the way you did. You can build a community of family, even if they aren’t blood
Inner child/parenting work
I do healing inner child meditations on youtube
I am the youngest and had that similar situation. However, I still love my mom, no matter how mad I am with her, I did not rebel or anything like that, instead I excell in my studies, did a lot of extra curriculars at school, but I never heard her say how proud she is of me when I was still young, even up to now. I have a family of my own now, she was not there when I gave birth, she did not even helped with my wedding, and she is not there when my son is growing up. She has her favorite child too, and remember I’m the youngest child. I am not mad at her, I did not resent her, me and my husband just accepted the fact that “that’s how she is”. She barely even call us, only calls when she needed something. To tell you the truth is was not easy, its still not easy. But the first thing that I did is ACCEPT THE FACTS. You can never change a person, including your parents. I just love her instead of hating her, I looked past her lapses and looked at the things she did for me. Dont get me wrong, sometimes I still cry, shout and cry again because of her, but its a lot easier now that we LOWERED OUR EXPECTATIONS and accepted things. We will never get things the way we wanted them to, that’s life. 
Stop comparing yourself with siblings. Remember, you are who you are and they are who they are. Parents will never admit to any wrong doing. Move on, the only person you can change is yourself.
You need to forgive them, not for them, but for yourself. Unfortunately it is harder when it comes to family and all the hurt you have felt.
Sometimes we also have to distance ourselves from family members that makes us feel least important. I let go an let God he is better than any counselor .
Counseling! It helped me so much! Also completely cutting off my parents felt like something I needed to do. Never regretted it, even when they died.
Cut them out of your life it’s only hurting you more in the long run
Sounds like a visit with a great therapist might be in order. It will help in working through your childhood trauma. Time to let the baggage go in a safe environment. God bless you.
I am sorry that they treated you in the way that they did.
From my personal experience - My parents divorced when I was one and both were not very present in my life as I grew up. No siblings, I had to learn how to grow up and navigate this world by myself. My Dad hasn’t even met my 5 year old son. It hurts. My advice? Heal your inner child. The abandonment and rejection will follow you for life unless you address and intentionally heal her. Easier said than done, but know that you are worthy of love.
Therapy would be a great place to start. You deserve to let go of the resentment and live a life you love.
Forgive them because you’ll more than likely never get an apology. If you continue to hold onto it, it will take over your life. Resentment is a hell of a thing and I do understand where you’re coming from.
But, you do have your own family now and you can break the chains and do better by your kid’s. You know how it feels, so just make it a point to do everything in your power to never be like them. Sometimes, people just don’t apologize. Toxic is toxic and just because they are your parents, it doesn’t mean they can hurt you and you not be allowed to express it.
I also suggest therapy. Forgiving them will get the weight off your shoulders. Write a letter if you have to. But, for your sake and your kid’s…move past it the best you can.
Cut them off, Family is who you make it. Expose yourself to people who appreciate your company.
It’s like I am reading myself, not too similar, but it’s a hard journey to run on. It’s 7 years for me doing a bit of soul searching, but the only way to heal is start with loving yourself. Everyone can hate everything about you, but start what you love about yourself first. Start with what you love through your gifts and talents. Then you’ll start loving yourself more and everything will gravitate to you on your healing journey, you might even find the love of your life and settle into your own world. Good luck with everything. Love you
For give them and cut them completely outta ur life! Blood doesn’t make u family
Avoiding toxic people to protect your inner peace is not a weakness. It’s wisdom.
Definitely try counseling or therapy…especially if you cant talk to them without an argument. You need someone with Authority to validate your feelings. Friends can tell you you are right and your feelings are true but been there done that totally different situation. I grew up and knew I was loved everyday by my mom. My parents divorced when I was 7. I remember what I was wearing and the color of the chair i was standing in and every word my dad said to me about them getting divorced. It took me years and years of therapy to get past that and to realize I wasnt the reason for the divorce. My mom always said my dad loved me and that one day I would see it. I never believed her but after therapy and getting my feelings validated I was able to let a lot go that I swore I never would. Unfortunately my mom passed two years ago and she was 1000% right. My Dad showed up to the hospital and for me and my sister and he didnt want to leave the hospital. He now calls me a couple times a week to just check in. We finally have the relationship I always wanted and needed
I rebelled at 16 thought if I was bad enough he would come back and instead of him coming back I went to therapy
Mom always said since the day dad left. When hes around its great but dont expect anything and you wont be hurt/disappointed. I wish my mom was still here to see what she said came true. Letting a lot go and therapy was a god send for me. Hope you can move on to a better loving life, like you deserve.
Aww this is really heartbreaking u have went through alott at a young age till now…
I suggest u write a letter to ur parents telling them how u feel and as u post it let it all go Exhale it all out as though u are emptying all the void u are feeling the minute u send the letter out to post…
Let go of ur family if they are causing u so much hurt…
It is a trying Process…
Get urself a counselar it will help u through this process alott …
U have kids let ur kids be ur enjoyment, let ur kids be ur happiness do things with them play games, watch movies,
hugg an cuddle ur kids , laugh an chat build a strong bond with ur kids,
Ur Kids can be ur friend
ur kids can help u take away all these feelings of hurt , one day ur kids will stand with u as they grow older…
It is hard to Turn the Page when u know Someone Won’t be in the Next Chapter, But the STORY Must Go On…
Also keep praying an talking to God about the way u are feeling u will find peace somehow.
Wish u Love , peace and happiness Sunshine days adhead my dear…⚘⚘:sunflower:
Sounds quite familiar. All you can do is pray. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for peace. Pray for acceptance. Pray and palest until you believe you have forgiven all of them, your parents and your siblings. Be confident in your love of your own children and bring them up with love and affection.
God is your answer pray and talk to God. The best. If you can talk to them.if you can’t leave it alone. And tell them you love them. Walk away. Pray God’s blessing over your family and you if you are grow leave.
Omg I’m in the same boat. But now my health is being affected and I can’t move out of my mom’s house cuz I can’t afford it. Have a part time job and I’m in the waiting list for housing. But its so hard not being able to have peace of mind and stuck in this situation. 
Put it in GOD’S HAND. Pray for the Peace he brings. Pray for the light of his love, his grace and his ever lasting mercy to fill your HEART.
You first consciously decide that this cycle ends with you… then you seek a therapist, so that healing can begin
Don’t tell them nothin!! Idk why it’s so hard for people to realize just because u are related by blood doesn’t mean u have to kiss azz man write them folks out yo life & be done with it they not worried about u quit being worried about them u created a family be happy with them & live your life
This breaks my heart. I have almost 8 and I could never imagine making them feel this way. I was 1 of 3 and got bounced back and forth between my mother and father and finally. My grandparents took me in. I have had to do lots of counseling anger management and among other things to help “heal” how I feel. I have just started have a better relationship with my father.
You may need to cut them out of your life. They have done nothing to attempt to make amends and really do nothing but continue to reject you and hurt you. They are toxic and just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to be around them.
Cut them off. You don’t deserve that at all . You now have your own kids and now you know what NOT to do .
Did your siblings ask for help? Did you ask for help?
Therapy is life changing.
Learn to be happy and content with yourself by yourself. 
It’s hard and lonely at first but you will eventually grow to it. I know I did I have kids now but it’s not that bad.
Then Quit Dwelling on the Past… it is in the Past… Leave it there.
Look for a good therapist. Or just cut yourself off from your family.
Im in the same situation with my mom i never met my real dad but always had step farther’s who were abusive to me and my mom… My mom always took his side…later they finally split…my mother was a abusive to me too…she does everything for my sister…i ve been in therapy for 4 years now…it does help to talk about it…my daughter was in a bad car accident and i had no family help to take care of her she had to stay with my mom for 2 weeks after the hospital bc i was in the process of moving into a 3brd…my mother was going to let my daughter who had a tbi walk the streets…i had to call the cops on her bc she agreed to keeping her for the 2 weeks…i was there at my mom every day caring for my daughter…i had to leave to go home and shower i started my period…my mom flipped out and said she was going to let her walk the streets…fast forward its now 4 years later…my daughter has gotten better…now my family wants to call every damn day wants to come around…i don’t want them around…i forgave them …for not being there when i needed them i was always there for my family…so i got bitter and angry stop speaking to them all together…while i was taking care of my daughter…your not alone…sending prayers…
I can sorta relate to this, I’m the youngest though, just me and older brother, they baby him and his children most, my mom says I’m jealous of him but I am no where near jealous of him or his Situation, the point is it’s unfair treatment, they look down on me and my husband for basically being adults and doing what we are supposed to taking care of all adult responsibilities while they house my brother, his partner & his kids and do so much for them, they talk highly of him but get silent when it comes to me and mines even though we do as we are supposed too. There’s also childhood trauma I struggle with that they do not care about but if it had been my brother it would be a different story, also just differences in so much stuff growing up that I have realized recently as an adult, it’s a shit show of stuff but I can honestly say that I have voiced how I feel about it all and have kept my distance since & it’s honestly been sooo much better for me and I’ve coped with all the bs a lot since distanceing myself cause I’ve no longer put myself in those situations that made me feel less than, nor have I let them hurt me, you hold the power to all your emotions, if you don’t give people the time of day to hurt you . As far as being jealous I’m not sure other than to just be happy someone got the treatment you don’t an never did cause your not the one that will have to answer for that one day so it’s not your job to stress over it or feel down about it, find people that you look at as family that make you feel the love your parents never did & just appreciate & cherish them❤️ life’s to short to feel this way even over blood family, family is who ever tf makes you feel like family, blood don’t mean shit anymore! I’m so sorry you have had to go through any of this though, just know you are not alone what do ever there are so many of us out there who feel the same way, only thing to really do is let go and break that cycle for your babies❤️ it may hurt but it’s the best thing you could do for yourself and kids!!
I cut my family off completely I haven’t talked to them in years and I don’t regret it at all I tried getting over a very hard very traumatic childhood and move forward but they didn’t want to do the same they we’re always doing the same crap and using people including their children ect I wish I could have a normal or even some what healthy relationship with my family but it’s not a possibility like I said I don’t regret it at all best choice I ever mad Honestly for my children and myself
You’re going to keep dealing with the toxic as long as they’re in your life. You’ll always be treated differently. Cutting them out isn’t easy or simple, because it’s likely your siblings will try to get you to talk to them or deal with them.
You may end up cutting out siblings and family from your life in the process. I know, I was that kid. I can tell you, after the first year or two you’ll finally feel the relief. You’ll start to notice all the positive in your life, because you’re removing the negative.
Have you tried therapy?
Tell them how you feel if you have to put them out of your life
I am sorry that you hurt , I am sorry that you are not being heard - that’s hard.
Forgiveness is key .
Forgiveness is for you not the other person .
Forgiveness allows you to move forward.
Therapy is amazing . It will help you
You have to learn to love yourself and learn to forgive them for yourself not for them, most of all you need to let them go, it’s hard really hard. You need to also learn nothing you do will ever be good enough for them, so you do it for yourself and your family. Your love will never be good enough, just know how much you are truly worth even though they never showed you. Don’t try to prove anything to them prove it to yourself, or else you will not ever be truly happy and love yourself. When you finally just let it go the world will be lifted off your shoulder and the anger and jealousy will be gone, it will sneak back up once in a while yet you will be able to push it away again… wishing you the best and know you are strong and you are the best you…
I started going to therapy to help me deal
I am really sorry you went through this and that you had so much on your shoulders. If they won’t apologize, I’d remove them as much as possible. You can’t make someone treat you the right way, but you can stop hurting. I don’t think you should worry about their comforts. I definitely think therapy would be good for you, as so much stems from our childhood…wishing you the best.
Counseling, creating a new family of friends along with your immediate family, cutting off family until you can be comfortable with them, which might be never:.
Do you have a good relationship with any of your siblings?
Also, I’d pour your heart out in a letter. You don’t even have to send it to your parents if you don’t want to, sometimes it’s healing just to write everything down. If you do send it, state you will only entertain written responses, then block them on social media, phone, etc.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserved much better and I’m glad you got out and made your own happy family. That makes you a HUGE success in my eyes. Sometimes parents just serve as an example of what NOT to be.
Trust me, I get it. Anytime I have something going on that upsets me, somehow it’s “I had it worse” in some way or the other. Point is, you can either look past it, or you can love them from a distance. They might not understand or know how they act, and they will always see you as the teenager you once were. It’s sometimes just better to try and get along and if you can’t, toxic is still toxic and you can get rid of them at any time.
Life is better when you know and do let go of toxic people
Forgive them for YOURSELF and love the people that love you and forget the rest
Didn’t read the whole thing… sounds like your dad was a pos and maybe took your mom for granted/ or your mom felt like she “should do for him more for the kids” and maybe looked at you as a support system? Idk
Cut off all contact with them and siblings. I hate to say it, but some things only feel better when it’s never in your face again. Also, research Narcissistic parent and enabler.
To be completely honest, I would go to therapy. Especially seeing how you can’t talk about it with them, you need to get this out clearly. Even though you feel like you’ve moved past it, clearly in your subconscious you haven’t especially the fact you made this post which I’m sure feels good to type it all out. My heart breaks for you reading this, no one deserves to feel unloved or the only one not loved. Also, aside from therapy my other recommendation would be live your life being the parent they weren’t. Tell your kids every single day all day how much you love them. Take time out equally for each child and make them feel special. Not saying that you don’t do that now, but just take the hurt and have it make you a better parent and be better than them. By reading your post you clearly sound intelligent and I hope that this is something you can eventually get past and heal from. Just know, you did nothing wrong. This is about them, not you. It’s unfortunate their actions left you feeling this way and I’m so sorry. I really hope you do therapy because it’s a really good to talk about feelings like this. It can be extremely hard to open up and talk, but I really believe it would be beneficial for you. ((BIG HUGS))
Cut them off if they continue to gas light you
Look at the situation with compassion.
You may never feel the love you deserve from your parents, you may always find yourself jealous of special treatment, you may never be validated, but you can decide to forgive them from a place of compassion within you.
If YOU are proud of the life you have made (even in comparison to your siblings), then you can say you got to that point on your own & that is you winning 
For the love of all that’s Holy, why would you possibly want any of these people in your life? Run fast, run far.
You’ll get passed it when you cut them off completely and move on with life
I know how that feels
Therapy and I’d confront them once about their behavior and if they’re unwilling to work though it the. Just cut them off. Do you want your kids to feel the same way by grandma and grandpa?
Perhaps trying to understand how they came to be the sort of adults/parents they were might help you accept that it’s all they were capable of offering you as their child/children due to lack of tools and fundamentals from their parents and/or upbringing. My mother was also a women whom put men before her children and there was little affection but in spite of this she was courageous in parenting us the way she did as she did not have anyone to learn from as she grew up and everyone treated her like dirt on their shoe. After losing her to suicide as a teen and growing up completely cut off from any family; only now as a parent myself have I been able to truly appreciate she wasn’t perfect but did the best she could with what she was given and in doing so I have learnt to love her for her faults, mistakes and shortcomings enough to heal. Just a thought❤️
Therapy heal yourself…tell them how much you hurt and whatever else you need to then tell them to take a hike!
The way it sounds is that your dad is at fault. Your mother was doing what she was taught and trying to keep her family together. With 7 kids I imagine it was hard to find a lot of time to share the love she had to have for all you kids. Back in those days parents just thought you knew they loved you.
Therapy. Your therapist will help you confront them in a way that’s healthy
Honestly…past is past. Be happy with your life and what you make of it. Obviously they don’t are to change things with you, so focus on your life and they miss out…not you.
Look up n join fb groups about narcissist parents. It has helped me accept those feelings and a safe place to vent.
Cut off contact! I grew up the same damn way my mom told me she loved me but my stepdad has pushed us so far apart. I haven’t talked to my mom in almost 4 years! I’m a so much happier. I was always forced to babysit my sister’s an mother them I was like you my mom put him first always still does to this day. 3 of her kids out of 5 don’t even speak to her anymore. I’m 26 , my sisters are 23 and 18 and we have cut that contact with her it’s not worth hurting ourselves it’s painful it was hurting me in the long run. I’m so much happier an you deserve love and you definitely don’t need it from them girl.
I feel like I just wrote this entire post except for the fact that I’m the oldest of 10.
And we were raised amish/plain
Other than that I coulda wrote this whole post because same sister same! Only I can’t tell you how to overcome it and move past it because I haven’t been able to do that either! 
I don’t have any advice to give but I’m sending you love and here to let you know your feelings are valid I would look into counseling of some sort to help come to terms with things…it may change your life!
Be proud of you. Seek counselling for you. You can cut your family off. Just because they are blood doesn’t mean you need to stay around if they have hurt you so much. Sorry your going through this
Cut them off. Move long way from them change your number live your only life . Love your self do the thing you miss out . You can’t change them or make them love u .I cut my family off 8 year now omg best thing I done . I do not need there love or anything from them . I have ever think I need .
I 100% relate to this as oldest of five. I’m still struggling with some feelings but I can honestly tell you that setting boundaries and distancing myself from them helps alot! My mother was a single mom and while she was out working for us, I had to step up as a second mom for my 4 siblings. Just like you I rebelled, I’m still known as the bad child. I grew up with so much anger, hate and resentment towards my parents, especially my mother. As I matured and learned about her past I came to understand her little by little. Now as a mom myself I have come to realize how much she had to go through to keep us safe, fed and healthy all by herself. Our relationship is still rocky and I’d still prefer to stay away but I forgive her. I understand her now, part of what has helped me has being maturity and experience in my own life with similar situations but what had me started was looking for healing within myself. Going to therapy, going for counseling, reading about emotional health etc
You don’t have to forgive them, forgive yourself first and look into healing for your own good.
Speaking from experience the only way you will ever get over it is to tell them exactly how you feel and infront of your siblings. Tell your siblings it’s not their fault and you hold no grudges or ill feelings towards them. Then cut your parents off as they will not acknowledge your feelings are valid. This not only protects you from further mental anguish but also protects your children from ever having to feel like they aren’t as important as the other grandchildren.
cut them out of your life, they are toxic!
I been in your shoes but had it more bad I had to cut my mother and everyone out of my life and my kids. Thats the only way you can move on let them go my counselor told me I wont get peace until my mother speaks up but she will never speak up she will die before speaking up
Parents like that will never understand u, so there’s really no point talking to them explaining how u feel. I cut my whole family off it is lonely but I won’t be disrespected or made to feel worthless fooook that there loss not ours
Confront them n tell them how u feel then I would walk away they will one day answered to Jesus for what they have done put it in god’s hands
Seek counselling, cut them off, just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to keep them around.
You can love them from a distance.
if you can’t have conversations with them explaining how you feel, maybe writing them a letter explaining, and why you feel going forward and moving on with your life is important for you to get how you feel off your chest.
Be proud of yourself, and look after the ones that love you back
I’m glad you know and are aware that you are jealous and hold resentment towards your siblings. That’s the first step. I would definitely seek therapy for the trauma your parents put you through. I don’t think you should cut your siblings off like the majority are suggesting. It’s not your siblings fault what your parents did and it ultimately won’t solve anything. You’ll still feel the same way and probably even worse.