I am a young mother of two, I do everything by myself financially and physically, don’t get me wrong I have a great support system from my family but I don’t get any free handouts which I don’t expect to, my children’s father doesn’t pay child support for either child and I don’t want or need his money and I’m not going to force him to pay but he also only wants to see the children when it’s convenient for him, sometimes I won’t hear from him for 2 months at a time or longer and he contacts me via text message and asks if he can stop by and see them which I say no because I feel like if he wants to see his children he could see them for more than five minutes every 2 months but when I do get them he calls me not even 3 hours later to come to get them both because he can’t handle it, and I won’t hear from again until he wants to feel like a father I guess, my question is would I be wrong for blocking his number and letting him have no contact with my kids anymore? I don’t want to take their father away from them, but I also don’t want them in an unstable, wishy-washy environment/ relationship, I know it would hurt them the older they got because right now they can’t comprehend it all. Thank you!
Wow that’s parental alienation.
I did it. No regrets. Hes 17,000 in arrears. If you go to court to get custody, he will either fight for them or not. Let the judge decide. It takes more than money or talk to be a parent. Do what’s best for them, you are there to advocate for them until they can for themselves. He will show his true colors when all is said and done. Just stay the course, and go by the book. You can’t lose. 
hugs. Go with ur gut.
Get child support, they’re his kids too, you should make him accountable for his own children, they deserve it.
They will always need their father. Understand that if you become the reason they can not see him then you have to bear the weight of this decision.
My biological father was the same way when my sister and I were little (he was also on drugs and a woman beater). My mom made the decision to stop letting him come and go once or twice every year because we’d cry for weeks at a time after his short visit and it was harder on us with it being so random and short. I met him again for the first time when I was 15 and made the decision to walk away after a few months then tried to let him be a part of my life again when I was 21 and had my own child and I learned the hard way again why he is a shitty person and why my mom was right for cutting ties with him when she did. Go with your gut and don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong for whatever you decide to do.
Go to court. Get an agreement for visitation and then document when he doesn’t show or call. Without documentation like a journal or calendar it may not hold as much water. I would give it one final “on paper” try and then when he likely won’t show up you’ll have adequate reason to terminate visits. Protect yourself and them. PS he will end up paying child support if you go to court.
U can’t force child support & emotional support…even legally …unless u have a good lawyer
- Take him for child support. You may not need it, but they do. Put it in an account for them for school. Or for them to use when they get their first car or first apartment, etc. They will thank you for that. 2) I’d advise against cutting him out, but perhaps suggest a modification. Maybe some scheduled, court ordered visitation that would be consistent, for you to schedule anyway. Say, one day a month, for example. You would know that particular day they are supposed to go with their father so you don’t make plans with them. If he takes them awesome! If not, you’d be prepared for that too, but it would eliminate his unscheduled ‘once in a while’ visits. They (the kids) will understand, much sooner than you think) exactly what he is and is not. You will have to explain nothing. Be kind about him while they’re around. They will not forget that. It’s hard, I know first hand, but your children will thank you for being the stable one. And they will thank you more for not cutting their father down, or taking the choice of whether or not to see him away from them.
Just do the best thing.Go after him for child support .Then encourage him to have relationships with the kids.Bottom line.The children do suffer from lack of parental support and financial support.
Yes a child always needs a father but he is being a sperm donor, not a father.
Wow u are a good mum ur kids will appreciate u later
So you say no to him when he wants to see them and then moan that he never sees them…
Tell him flat out that the in and out needs to stop. He needs to be consistent. He can start by scheduling a phone call/facetime once a week. After that, y’all can meet at a park or wherever is agreed upon, point is, he needs to be there not just when it’s convenient for him!!! Don’t block him because that can be used against you
Depending on the state you living in, that could be possibly illegal for you to block any access to the kids unless court ordered. You need to speak with a lawyer and have custody/child support established.
Do not be the reason he can’t see his kids, because 1 day your kids will be old enough to know the truth. Go for child support and set up visitation.
Go to court, get the child support. It can be placed in a saving account for the kids. Have it legally set out when he is to see the kids, and keep documents on when he misses visits. I wouldn’t just block him, you dont want the kids to one day look at you as the reason they didnt see their father. If he calls to see the kids, I don’t get why you wouldn’t allow it. Maybe talk to him about scheduled visits. Plan ahead of time. That way you can be more prepared for him to show up.
Wait? You say no when he asks to see them, but then complain and say he doesn’t see them 
Get everything on paper, court ordered visitation, and if he doesn’t commit to those, then go through court system for abandonment…do it legally
Way better he’s out of the picture completely then the opposite
You say you don’t need his money? That money is for you children, not you. It is your obligation to go after that child support.
Well you tell him no when he asks to stop by? Wtf is that? Let him stop by and see them. You have to start somewhere. Sounds like this is more about you then them. File for support and give it to the kid’s or save it for them.
While I do not believe in taking a fathers rights except for extreme circumstances… I also know that children of all ages thrive from a stable predictable environment. I think this man needs to be told to man up or get lost. This doesn’t sound like a typical angry baby momma story, it seems you have their best interest at heart. I will also add that you know your kids and know how this affects them.
Sounds like we are only hearing one side of the story. And if hes trying to see his kids you have NO business keeping him from them. Just because you’re not together doesn’t mean that he doesnt get to see the kids.
Children need there father. Not right of you to make that choice. The father should ALWAYS be allowed in there life. Learn how to co parent and don’t be bitter. Just take him to court for support and visitation.
1 get csa involved even if you don’t want it, put it in account for them for once there older.
2 no one would blame you if you did, but always worth going the legal route lawyers getting days times set out or contact centres etc
3 it will be messing with the kids head more him being in and out so often even more as they get older,
Ask the kids if they are old enough to understand and then give him an ultimatum he’s in or out can’t have both !
That will only hurt the children in the long run!! As an adult who as a child didn’t get to see my father for years
I will tell you if I found it it was because of my mother I would have never forgiven her. Might seem like those visits are nothing to you but i guarantee they mean everything to those kids. With that being said you need to file for child support its not an option he made them He should help support them no matter of you really want it or not. And the court can set proper visitation
Revolving door parents are just as bad as absentee parents. I’m 22 and I just realized that I was holding on to the handful of times I actually saw my dad. It causes just as much scarring imo. Do what you feel is best for your babies
I would suggest a schedule for him to follow, and tell him if he wants more than that you guys can go to court. The best option is to have a schedule in place, but depending on the distance it may vary. Imo i would tell him eowe for now, and if you want more then show me.
I would get a lawyer get sole custody of my children set up visitation Thur the court put child support in bank account for college or what they may want when their older. After all you did not get these children by yourself. This way when he doesn’t show up to see them on visitation set by the court it will be on him. The children will learn who they can count on and who they can’t. We all try to keep our children from getting hurt but by not letting them know it is not your fault the father isn’t there then they resent you for keeping him away. Better they find that at now. Good luck.
Do this legally please. Take him to court and establish a parenting plan or have him sign his rights over.
Disgusting some women
Yes- it would be wrong. That’s called parental alienation and it’s a form of abuse to intentionally keep them from their father. If he is having trouble making time for them, that’s his problem to resolve, not yours.
I understand being frustrated with him for the way things are right now. But dont keep him from the kids. They wont resent him for feeling overwhelmed because they are little, but they will resent you for keeping him from them. He is just as important to the children as you are. Kids need both parents and neither parent is superior to the other. I cannot for the life of me understand why so many women try to take children away from their fathers and/or act as though as the mother they are more important to the child.
I would rather him pop in and see them for 5 minutes in your safe home than someone that unreliable want to take them for long periods of time. I would leave things the way they are, because it sounds like he doesn’t cause much of a problem. If you try to exclude him from their lives you might be inviting problems. Your kids will also always know that you were always accommodating to him, and that you were the one always there for them during their journeys in life. I also think that seeing how absent he is in their lives will make them never want to be that way with their own children. They will remember how that felt, and remember how you always picked up the pieces and were there for them.
Put the child support money into a account for their college funds. Don’t be stubborn.
They you to all you can for their Dad to be in the picture.
So go about scheduled visits and leave it up to him to make the kids his priority
I hate when women say they don’t get child support because they don’t "want or need’ it - it’s for the child. If you have a great job and can pay rent/mortgage, food, lights, sports, birthday and christmas presents or whatever for the kids, GREAT! I think that’s wonderful! But, get something from the father even if you just sock it away in bank accounts for them for college. It makes no sense to me that women who can provide for their kids, still don’t go after the father for child support and then wonder what they should do when the guy shows up every few months wanting to play daddy.
It’s not your job to force him to be there but it’s also not your job to take away that time where he finally is. He shows up every two months ? Then let him. The kid will resent you in the end if you withhold that time. At least they can see who is there and who isn’t. File child support if you did that he either pays or he doesn’t. Let the courts handle it from there. Also get visitation established and set forth every other weekend or whatever works for you all. He either shows on his time or he don’t why stress it. It’s not hard to co-parent without rushing to let me take his rights away each time you’re upset.
It’s a good idea to keep both parents active in the childs life. Remind him he had a hand in making the kids. So he needs to at least be supportive of them. Even if it’s a phone call or 5 minutes. You should let him see his kids. The only one you are hurting by not allowing him to see the kids, are the kids…
it is hurting them now that he doesn’t want to spend more than 5 minutes with them every 2 months if that. This sounds like me back in the 70’s when I left my husband. My son suffered. As he got older he thought his father didn’t love him. And most likely he didn’t nor did he care. And I had them in therapy early on, & me, just to make sure I was doing the best I can for them & if they had any feeling about what is going on (I left their father when they were 1 & 3 yrs old) My ex never paid child support even thought he was ordered. But if he wanted to see them, I still allowed it. It turned out his girlfriend, who was really good with my kids, her daughter age was between my kids & they all got along great. He also was never around when they were there either. I would say if your kids are old enough get them to see a therapist to make them understand this isn’t about them, but their dad.
Don’t stop them to see the father
I m currently in the same situation but make a schedule whr he can take them on weekend and tht way u also will get time for urself
Sounds like you’re alienating him. You ask if you should cut him out but you’ve already said that you tell him no when he calls. I’m willing to bet that you’re a big reason he doesn’t like to come around. This whole thing reeks of golden uterus Syndrom.
Go to court and file a parenting plan with his visitation times normally every other weekend for the non costodial parent. Then ha can take the kids during his times and when he doesn’t show up document it after a year of him not following the plan you can just file for full custody. Also go file for child support asap the money is not for you it’s for the kids you can either spend it on them or save it for them for future big purchases
You’re in the right. They’re not a video game he can play with when he feels like. But do this legally. You can get a coury order for chold suppory and that has nothing to do with visitation.
If you want to avoid courts or the system involved in your family try talking to him and lay some ground rules first. If that doesn’t work out seek mediation. I would start by setting every other weekend where he comes at a certain time to see them and if he takes them to his house he keeps them overnight of not dont take them at all and visit with them at your home if you’re comfortable with that. If not take them on a date to eat and bring them home. It would be frustrating to make plans while dad is supposed to have them just for him to change his mind last minute that he cant take being around his own kids.
Is this really a post? Why do women think you can just cut a man out of his kids’ lives?! Just because he dont see them the way you want him to doesnt give you the human right to cut him out…
Let him take you court tht will prove he’s arsed xx
My husband was seldom home and when he was he didn’t pay any attention to our son anyway. I left when our son was 3. He didn’t miss his Dad. Dad started to want him for the weekend, then would pawn him off on someone so he could do ‘whatever’. At 5 he refused to go with him. Son’s choice not mine.
I encourage you to sit down and have a talk with him about making plans and following through with plans. Practice before hand so you don’t get emotional or attacking. Write a bullet plan so you won’t get distracted and let it be his choice to comply or not. You’re children will grow up one day and they will seek him out. It is best for them that you be blameless and not bitter. I am speaking from being an old mom <3 who has been down that road.
Seems lots of people feel you should let him give them crums.
DONT DO IT.
DO IT LEGALLY.
FILE FOR CHILD SUPPORT.
He’ll be so mad at you he’ll probably disappear.
Children do NOT need pop in parents.
A few minutes here and there is NOT better than nothing.
I’ve seen way too many kids who this happened to.
They are so messed up.
If you can do it all…do it.
Because you are.
Their rock.
Their stability.
That is what they need.
But make it LEGAL.
Tell him you can see them.
On a schedule.
Their schedule.
A stable schedule.
No more popping in.
Legal.
In writing.
I’m betting he w just go away.
I’m sorry for you.
And I’m really sorry for your children.
But they DONT need him.
His crap.
You.
They will grow up happy and healthy.
So he pops in and out of their lives when he feels like it, and pays 0 in child support?
He needs to be financially supportive, and seeing his kids every week. If he can’t do that, I’d cut him out. It’s not fair to your kids to have to deal with a Dad that’s only there when it’s convenient for him.
Do it there is nothing wrong in cutting someone off like that. Do it and don’t feel bad!
Why not let him spend time with them and you go along, like take them to a park or movie or out to lunch or what ever but make it all together that way you know what’s going on at all times. Make it a fun time for them. Just saying.
Listen to your gut feeling it’ll never let you down
I’d cut contact for now. And file for child support. If he wants to see them he can go to court and get visitation. Then from that point I would keep track of how often he actually shows to his visits
Shit let me be someone else to say it. Cut him out screw it, if he dont care to see them as often as possible than theres no reason for him to even be involved at all. Tell your kids the truth, he only makes time when its convenient for him, when he wants. My youngest daughter has a (what I call sperm donor) who isn’t involved in her life AT ALL shes only 3 and hes missed EVERY single birthday. He has ways of contacting me, he knows who he can call if he wanted to see her but yet he doesn’t. My little girl started calling my boyfriend her daddy and he couldn’t be any happier. Hes great with her. Do what’s best for your kids, not for him. Screw him.
See how long he goes without requesting visits, you might be able to file for abandonment. If you do go through court, request supervised visits and make him pay child support.
Ask the court for full custody, and have him do visitation, don’t just cut him out of their lives it’s only gonna hurt them, and could cause you more problems than you need from him
I have been there… do what is right for those babies and leave him be if he really wanted them then he would be there at least a few days of the week not months and months
Mention it to him first. He is their father after all. Tell him it’s fortnightly for at least one night or not at all.
check with a lawyer before you unilaterally cut him off. he may have rights (that’s for the court to decide) and the child support isn’t for you it’s for the children. whether you want or need it is almost irrelevant - the court would decide that. if you don’t need it put it into savings for the kids.
but yeah - straight up cutting him off could open you up to legal issues the next time he decides he wants to see the kids. cover your butt and go about it legally
Let the courts handle it, if that’s possible. If you do it yourself, your way. Your kids are going to grow up resenting you. Trust me, kids see and understand more then we as adults give them credit for. Just continue to be the best mom you can be. Let him be the one to show the kids what kind of father he is.
You’re the mom you do whatever is right whatever you feel is right
I’m pretty much in the same boat as you except for my daughters only nine months old and her father has never met her… every few months he’ll start messaging me on Facebook asking to see her to get to know her but before we can even get any of that done it turns into a huge blowout argument between him and I and then he re blocks me… I mean I’ll never take the option away from him to meet his daughter but on the same hand he needs to be respectful and not just pop in and out when it’s convenient for him if he can’t set up time and dates and I keep them times and dates then he doesn’t need to see her
Get into a family program put together by an official family advocate. If he does not get with it…obviosly he has other more important things to do. The family advocate will guide you and him further as to the kids best intrests.
No! If he wants to not be in his childrens life let him make that decision. If you block him then it will fall back on you for not letting them see him. That’s parental alienation and it’s not right. Unless hes is harming the children in any way they deserve their father even if it just for 5 mins every 2 months.
Maintenance and access are two different application at court. Even if parent doesn’t pay Maintenance he or she have rights to see their kids Apply for Maintenance. At court date take all income and expenses to court. Ex must aswell . Court decide on a amount after looking at BOTH PARENTS INCOME AND EXPENSES. You can’t refuse him access. BOTH parents have RIGHTS TO SEE THEIR KIDS. Apply for a parenting plan made a order by court. Stick by parenting plan.
I have a stepdaughter who’s 9 and mother has always been in and out since her father and I married when she was 2. At the end of the day she yearns for a relationship with her mother and it is our duty as parents to be open to whatever she needs as a child and not to take away even the most minimal contact. At the end of the day she knows we always supported her relationship with her mother and she’ll figure it out and be able to choose what that looks like on her own. Provided she is safe when she visits.
I cut my daughter’s father out of her life and i am not sorry,
he would contact me every 3 months or so just so he can talk 5 mins with her and thats it every time, he was a horrible father when we where together and I always felt that every time wanted to talk to her was to clear his conscience ,
2 Years ago around christmas he calls and my daughter was exited and he tells her that he was gonna call the next week…he didn’t and every time my phone rang she was happy thinking it was him, it broke my heart how could somebody be that cruel? after 2 weeks I just told her that it was gonna be awhile for him to call again. on feb of the next year he send me a message and I lost it. I cuss at him and told him to never call again because he was just hurting her and I didn’t want my daughter to have dad issues. its been 2 years and it’s better without someone that doesn’t really want to be involved. my heart hurts for her I know how important is a father figure specially in a daughter’s life , my dad is my hero and for him is why I am this way.
but thanks God I found a husband that loves her like his own.
maybe one day she will be mad at me but in time she will understand.
Sounds a lot like parental alienation to me… Parental alienation is the process and the result of psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent, relative or others
Damn glad none of my baby gravy went inside most you women.
I don’t think it’s alienation at all. He wants his cake and eat it too. You raise the children, wake them feed, care, doctor, school, good and bad times. When he feels like seeing his possessions every quarter or so he pops in and a few hours later it’s too much.
He’s a spoiled brat.
You’ve chosen not to go after him for support for some reason, that’s your call, but you should think about it.
He needs to be told NO. No you cannot ditch these kids for months and then come back and treat them poorly. No you cannot disrupt what we work hard to put together.
Kids do see things. They see who is there every day and who leaves them for months and comes around now and then and doesn’t value them enough to stay
Get custody make it legally binding if it’s the path you wish to go down.
He doesnt pay- he shouldnt see the kids period. You cant be a part time dad when he feels like it. Personally i would be chasing him for child support that is his responsibility too. Then make a formal agreement for every other weekend for whatever suits you both. If he doesnt comply and is non consistent then yeah i would be blocking him as the kids dont need a part time drop kick dad that cant be bothered. That will psychologically damage them. But you trying everything you can to foster a good relationship with their dad is important also within reason. You want to be able to tell your kids later on that you tried everything that you could.
Some amount of bitter twisted females on here thinking they are the sole parents of their children. Give yourself a check up ”if he doesn’t pay he shouldn’t be allowed to see the children” maintenance isn’t to support your lifestyle. Remember you both made the child you should both be raising the child. None of you have given birth to the new messiah no immaculate conception here.
Guys same token don’t be wankers and go see your kids
I dealt with this. I didn’t block him, he had my number and knew where I lived, but I did say to him that he needed to be consistent or not bother at all. He chose to not bother at all, but when he is in a relationship he tells the women I am keeping them from him. I don’t think he realizes that they are adults now making their own decisions since the last time he saw them they were small.
You can’t keep him from his kids just cause u don’t like the frequency of which he sees them. That just brings u to his level of bad parenting.
Go see a lawyer and get things worked out. And get a child support order. YOU may not need his money so put it in a savings account and give it to your kids when they turn 18
what about the dads who carnt be arsed seening or paying for the kids no one knows what goes on iknow some one with 8 kids doesnt pay or give a fuck about them
I am so sorry that you are having to watch your babies suffer like this. I am a father who is fighting for his kids from women who are using them because they are immature and spiteful. All I want is to see my babies and watch them grow and see them get their school achievements ect. I am fighting thru the courts to see them as they are my life. Kids need routine and structure. As sad as it is for me to say, I think you need to block him and not let him see them until he realises what it’s doing to his own little babies. If and when there can be a regular routine and kids know when to expect him and see him ect, then allow it but unfortunately you’ll have to do it thru the family courts so if he let’s the kids down again he doesn’t see them again. Kids need both parents and I think your an amazing women for being so patient and wanting him in their lives. Good luck mate and all, you have to do is put those little precious, innocent babies first. Good luck. Andrew
Do mediation, it’s the perfect opportunity for you both to tell an unbiased person what you both expect. They can even chat independently with the kids (depending on their age).
They don’t take sides, it’s held in a neutral place and would be the perfect opportunity to put some rules in place.
I haven’t seen my son for 5 years now and still fighting for visitation, I just wish my sons mother was as level headed as you.
I hope you get the answers you’re looking for, for the sake of the kids.
Don’t do that that is not their fault there are other options
Like you can sue the people
Who have slandered your reputation in front of your kids and do restraint orders
You can do both yourself
This is a tough call…i have experienced this first hand…i personally chose to never get in the way and let my kids make their own decision and mind up about their dad …my kids are almost grown now …their dad is a piece of s*** who like you said never paid child support and only comes around when it’s convenient for him. And Never stays long …ive seen my kids hurt I have held them while they’ve cried… I’ve cried with them …my kids have a void an emptiness and sometimes I wish I would have just stood up with them and told him no you’re not stringing them alone…step in or step off . But with the lifestyle he lives I was always scared something was going to happen and they was going to blame me for a relationship they could have had that I for prevented…so with all that being said I guess the only advice I can give to you is you are the child’s voice. Don’t let anyone do anything to them that you wouldn’t allow be done to yourself… would you allow him to string you along in such a wishy-washy relationship?
If he doesn’t pay support he isn’t a loving caring dad so take him to the maintenance court and make him pay his share of supporting his children before allowing him to see them.
A little contact is better then none. Why are you inableing him not pay for his child?
The courts will insist on visitation and later if done properly they will let the children decide. Safe way is the court
No matter what he does or doesn’t do, he is still their dad and if you cut him out of their llife, they will look for him one day and will turn on you because they dot get to see him. Experience speaking😌
Fruits of broken relationships r sour normally but not always the case … cheating e.t.c lets try our level best bcz life is unpredictable
Give up control.
He can parent however he chooses. That’s not for you to control. There are way bigger scarier things out there than a temperamental parent.
I’m in , what sounds like a very similar situation with my 4 children , again this week my little girl gets all the yes’s from mum on the phone. Then she text me later it’s actually a no and I have deal with the tears and " it’s your fault daddy" . Breaks my heart.
I just be there for them. No matter what.
Well he maybe a slacker but he is their father. Be grateful he spends any time with them.
I went through something similar with my oldest daughter. Her father would only come around on holidays and would want to get her. This would always disrupt our other plans! Finally I told him that I wasn’t dealing with him being a “ holiday” dad anymore and if he wanted to see her the. He could get her more regularly. Unfortunately he decided he didn’t want that and we didn’t hear from him for years! He still owes her 17,000.00 in child support because he stayed on the run and worked under the table so child enforcement couldn’t find him! It’s funny that once she turned 18 he came out of hiding! She misses what she could have had with him but she has my ex husband and my husband in her life!
Yes, that is wrong of you. You could help him to create a stable environment, a schedule, stability… teach him how to be their father so he can do it on his own. Some people don’t just “know” how to parent… How about suggesting he come to visit them at your place or a public place while you still have the kids in your care. You could set up weekly visits. Have him over for dinner, you don’t have to interact with him but you can guide the visits… gradually visits can increase until he’s comfortable having them alone… those babies didn’t get to pick either one of you to be their parents and you had not one, but two children with him…
Help him co-parent with you.
As a retired Child Support Enforcement Officer in Virginia, I encourage you to apply for support thru your local office. If he is able to pay, then he should. Visitation is a separate matter. It is most always in the child’s best interest to have both parents (and their relatives) in their life, if it is not abusive. Both parents need to compromise and leave the children out of the conversation unless they are teenagers. Even then, they do not need to get that involved. Encourage visits and set expectations. If they continually break the rules and do not show up, make promises they don’t keep, etc. then let them know up front what the consequences will be. Depending on your children’s ages, explain to them that mommy or daddy has issues that do not involve them and keep a distance. Things may or may not improve. As their custodial parent, you get to say what is good or bad for your children. Do not base this on your likes or dislikes for the other parent, use common sense and always look at things in the other parents perspective. As long as you keep the children’s best interest at heart, you will do just fine. God bless you and your precious family.
Well any time spent with other parent is “supposed “ to be better than nothing, but I don’t agree, I went thru a similar situation when I was raising my kids, and I felt like it would always get their hopes up just to be shattered again because their was no consistency I personally feel it hurts the kids more, the way he’s playing games he doesn’t actually want to be part of their lives or he would make them a priority NOT a pit stop to curb what little guilt he may be feeling .
How far does the father live from you all? I mean how far does he have to commute to visit? Honestly I’d wait until the kids are older and they can determine what kind of father he is as it’s not up to you to cut him off even if he sucks at parenting. Maybe he needs to be pressured by you to step up the visits to his children or face court! It’s his choice. I mean you can put the pressure on him to force some kind of action while the kids are young. I would definitely seek child support either way. I feel like he needs to help with the cost of kids… those kids deserve it.
As long as he is not abusive a wishy washy father is better than none at all. My dad was a revolving door dad, if mom had not allowed this, I would have never known him at all. And I loved my dad. I’m glad for the pieces of him I got before he died.
My eldests father wasn’t consistent in her life and now she hold such bitterness towards him but she thankfully doesn’t hold it towards me because I allowed him to see her when he felt obligated to…she is thankful for that because her youngest sister (her fathers second daughter) has been withheld from her father and my daughter always thought it was wrong (they are 5 years apart) she’s glad I didn’t do it because she thinks she might have held bitterness towards me for that…she already holds enough bitterness because I had 3 strokes and became disabled
Do it all legally. Get court ordered visitation and yes child support. It’s not just your children, but any future children this man may have. He needs to take on the responsibility whether you need him to or not.
As far as child support, if you don’t need the money that’s great. Put it in an account for the kids. Take them on vacation, save it for college, cars…
Visitation wise. Try having a conversation with him. If that don’t work. Get orders thru the court on when he can and cannot come. So if he has every other weekend. That is when he is allowed to show up. If not than his choice your kids will know you did what you could.
Do what your heart tells you! I went through that with my daughters Dad. Then years later I got remarried & my children (step) were treated the same way by their birth mother. But I let them make the choice!!
Despite the kind of father he is, he is still their father. They will figure out how he is when they are older. However, if you do not allow him to see them they may hold it against you. I’ve been and am still currently in your situation. My boys father doesn’t even contact them on a regular basis and they are now in their 20s. I never denied their father access to being in their life. He sees them for maybe 2 hours whenever. However the 2 mothers who fought to keep their kids away he focuses on and has done all he can to see them. Depends on what you want happening in your and your kids lives. I granted access allowing my kids to make the decision. Praying you make the best choice for your family.
Be very careful about the choices you make for your children. Remember that they grow up and you will be the one they hold accountable. If it isn’t truly in their best interest then do NOT do it.
Having said that if your children are not old enough to know that he is their Dad I would probably not tell them that. He can be a friend that comes around sometimes. And I would use his real name. There’s no need to cause them hurt when history already says that’s what will happen.
Ultimately it’s your choice what you choose to do. Just remember the choices you make now will have far reaching consequences.
NEVER keep a child(ren) from their parent. They’ll resent you later and that’s not something you want. Don’t go out of your way or cancel your plans to make sure they see him. When he calls, if it works for you, then make arrangements for him to see them. Your kids will see that you tried. Maybe he will get better as time goes on. Maybe not. But your kids will respect you for trying.