QUESTION:
“My parent’s marriage hasn’t been the best. My mom has been unhappy for a long time but won’t leave my dad. They sleep in separate bedrooms and don’t show any physical contact. My dad has tried numerous times. Although she has a job, my dad pays almost all the bills and buys her the things she’s asking for. My mom feels that because he makes so much more than her, he should have to pay. They fight all the time because of this. Anyways several months ago, my mom cheated on my dad in front of my younger sister. She made our mom tell our dad. Our mom said she wanted a divorce, but it never happened. Anyways a while after that, my mom decided she was going to go out with the family to a concert. As it got late, my sister tried calling her, and she wouldn’t pick up her phone. My sister called our family, and they said our mom left hours ago. My mom finally responded that she was at a bar. My sister then went to that bar. We know the owner; she asked if our mom was there. The owner said he hadn’t seen her in a long time. A little while after that, my mom texted my sister she was on her way home. My sister called my dad and told him but never questioned our mom. About a week ago, I was visiting with my girls, and I left my phone in the car. I wanted to call my dad to get my girls ice cream. She wanted to use my phone, but I didn’t want to run and grab it because her phone was sitting right there. I went to go grab her phone, and she had a lock on it. I asked her what the password was, and she’s come and took her phone from me and typed it in. Well, when she opened her phone to call my dad, I saw some guy’s name in her text message. He was the last person she was texting. Now when she calls me, I have an attitude towards her, and I just don’t want to be around her. I am honestly so disgusted with her. Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? How did you feel?”
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“Stay out of it. Your relationship with your mom has nothing to do with her relationship with your dad. If she’s treating you and your sister well, let it go.”
“You have a right to feel however you feel BUT it’s not your business she already had an affair that your dad knows about and he’s still with her. That’s his choice. Either one of them can file for divorce and for whatever reason, they choose not to. Whether you like it or not, it’s their lives. They’re adults and you have to respect their decisions. Your mom is still your mom.”
“You don’t have to but I think you should just love them both through it. Your parents’ marriage is not something any one else should be involved with. You don’t know the ins and outs of what goes on when you’re not around.”
“Honestly it sounds like he definitely knows and doesn’t care. Maybe they have an arrangement. Let him know you are there for him if ever needed and let him handle this how he wants to.”
“You guys made sure that your father knows. Now leave it alone. It’s their marriage and they can decide for themselves. I know if I was in their shoes and my husband or myself has an affair and we decided to just stay married, the last thing I’d want is for my adult children to keep bringing it up. And your mom is an adult. Don’t snoop through her phone and it’s not your business what her password is or why she has one.”
“Would you want your parents meddling in your marriage? I don’t think you would. Give them peace and grace to figure it out for themselves. I have a feeling that they are both going to resent you and your sister if you keep doing this crap.”
“To be honest, this is between your parents, it’s not really about you. Seems like she’s been pretty clear with how she feels about the relationship, and your dad seems to be aware of what’s going on. This is their relationship, it’s for them to sort out.”
“Really all you can do is tell your mom how you feel about the situation. Something like " mom, I know you are not happy in your marriage and it hurts me to watch dad try to hold on to something that’s not there. Whatever it is that you’re doing when you’re not at home I don’t want to know about it because it’s your business. You are allowed to seek out your own happiness just like everyone else but please don’t keep dad on a string while you do so.” I love you both very much and I won’t ever choose one side over the other. I just want both of you to be happy. This way you’re not accusing her of cheating, you’re acknowledging that she has a right to be happy and you’re not choosing sides."
“I would leave it between your mother and father as hard as it may be. But it’s truly not your business, she’s obviously not happy with your father, and I’m sure there’s lots to the story you may not even know.”
“She’s an adult, the marriage sounds like it’s not a great one. Many married people cohabitate and see other people. Maybe your dad knows and doesn’t care.”
“None of your business. You don’t truly know what happened behind closed doors as you were growing up. You don’t know what he has done to make your mom feel the way she does. You don’t know of your parents have an arrangement where they will do their own thing and not Involve each other but still live together.”
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