I’ve been with my now-husband for almost ten years in January. (since I was 15) We had our first kid at 17 together, got married at 18 then had another kid. We’ve been married for six years, but for a while I have been so resentful and just can’t stand anything he does or says or ANYTHING!! He knows how I feel, I’ve tried asking for a divorce… but he wants to keep trying every time. I always tell him we will, and we do. But this time I’m just so tired of the ups and downs. It’s not just that; he’s always been very controlling; it will never admit it. He hides my clothes he doesn’t like, gets mad when I do things without him, etc etc… lots are BS I’ve delay with I feel like I’ve wasted so much time now:( Here’s my problem I have been a stay at home mom the whole time we’ve been together, (just had our third child 18 months ago) and I have no support besides him. What are my options? In the past, when I’ve asked for a divorce, he says he’s keeping the house and wants 50/50 custody of this kids… yada yada… he gets very mean when it’s not going his way and says this thing. I feel so stuck… any advice will help. thanks, mamas!!
He is a narcissist pure and simple. Do you have any friends or family you could go stay with or has he isolated you from them?
If he’s a good father he should have 50/50 custody. Just because you two don’t work doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get equal time with them. If you want a divorce you’ve just got to go for it and file.
Go talk to a divorce attorney, many offer free consultations. Develop an exit strategy. If you really want a divorce file for it.
Find the closest family services program near you and talk to a counselor about that they can refer you for one free session possibly to speak to an attorney and you can find out what your state laws are but don’t let him bully you anymore
try living away for awhile couple wks at a time
If he is a good dad he should have 50/50 and seeing as he pays for the house it probably would be best if he retains it. Honestly I’d suggest going to therapy with him. You have 3 kids together, if there is a chance to make it work then at least try.
As long as you have proof that you’ve been separated for a year there ain’t nothing he can do about it
I was stuck like that. Later on he cheated and left. I have a great guy now and I go anywhere and travel everywhere. You have got to be happy.
He can say what is he keeping and getting, but that’s not guaranteed. Judge gets final say.
He will never change. What he is doing is emotional abuse! Find a local Women’s shelter. They can help you get back on your feet and will not disclose the location they put you up in. I’m not sure if the organization Women in Need is in your area. I would definitely check into it.
Make a plan and stick to it… but essentially
- don’t have any more kids with him
- get a job
- get a lawyer
- move out
File for divorce if you are not happy. To make it fair, the house should be sold and you equally split the profits. And 50/50 custody if very reasonable. Just because you are not happy with him doesn’t mean you get to take his kids away.
Start looking for a job asap then separate. If you can find a place to stay until you get on your feet that would help and baby sitters.
My advice to you is that life is too short to be anything but happy. Get out. Be adults and be civil for the babies but go if you’re not happy. You can get a job and become more independent financially.
Find a apartment based on income low income and when it’s available pack what u can that day while he at work and leave then when u have ur own place there he can’t tell u to leave it and then after u find a job puts some money away and file for divorce…
If he is good to the kids he should get 50/50 custody! As far as the house, you could probably get it but do you want it? Is it something you can afford or would moving be a better option?! You do need start finding a job. It will be alot of change but if your not happy, those kids dont need to see all that! You can do it. Good luck!
You just file… You don’t need his permission… Take everything else one step at a time
You don’t need his permission, wait till he is at work pack your shit and bounce. File for divorce, custody agreement do before he does, call every single divorce attorney in the phone book, have them put you down for a consultation so he can’t get one. Even if you don’t use them they can’t offer him help because of conflict of interest.
You already know what you need to do. Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Walk… walk, honey. Control freaks= not good.
And this is why we (adults) should never allow a SO to be the only source of income and/or support… Agree with poster above: Put together an exit plan and start working on it. Stop with the threats of leaving and just do it. Go to the SS office and find out what your options are for housing, etc. Get the minimum set up so you can get out. Work up from there.
Start by getting a job . Being a single mom is not a easy job . It’s hard to earn a living & meet the kids needs . If you have money of your own you can get a place to put over their heads . Good luck .
Im lost first you state he wants to work on it when you ask for a divorce, then you state he wants the house and 50/50. So what is the actual question??? Obviously you need to get a job because alimony alone and child support (if you actually got sole custody) would not be enough to solely support you and your children.
I’m sorry but you cannot complain about him wanting 50/50 custody of his children. They are his kids too. If you want a divorce then leave but don’t make the kids suffer. Welcome to the real world. Get a job. Please don’t go after him for alimony. Be an independent woman.
Make damn sure it’s really what you want & what’s best for you & the babies. Like others have said, no more kids,job,attorney.
Well a judge decides who gets what if you two can’t. But you need your own income. He doesn’t need to agree to a divorce. You can file anyway and you can also file for alimony. He’s trying to scare you out of divorcing him because he probably knows he’d be screwed with alimony and child support if he makes all the money.
Get the divorce and ask for spousal support, child support, and the like. Do not go 50/50 on custody, if he is controlling as you say, it is not healthy for the kids.
Establish employment, separate, get your own place, if he’s a good dad 50 50 custody, the house he will have to split.
Well he should get 50/50 of the kids and everything else. Split everything even. That’s the RIGHT thing to do.
You’re married, best option if he is not willing to divorce you peacefully would be to get a lawyer, sell house profit 50/50 kids 50/50 as well
If worse comes to worse… you can always put the kids in a day care find a job… save up an move back to family or where u know your family is … but for now… I would get out with the kids as much as I can not to go crazy in the house
First, if you want out, get a job and get out. Even if you can only afford an apt., that’s fine. Get out. Second, if he isnt a harm to his kids, he has every right to want and get 50/50 custody. They are 50% his…
Your not married you are a prisoner
Start stashing cash, contact an attorney, make a plan.
That is why you dont depend on somebody. I’ve been on my own since 17 years old was paying for an apartment at 17 years old and did it all on my own even married now and I have an amazing husband but I choose to work and we both provide for our kids and our house hold there for if things dont work I’m good, or something were to happen to him.
I think talking to a lawyer and figuring out how you will support yourself and your children are your two main things right now. Then separate. Sometimes you have to be separated for a certain amount of time before you get a divorce. Best luck mama
Spousal support! Kinda like child support but for you since you haven’t been working you’d get it!
Following because this sounds just like my marriage right now too!
I’d too love advice
Counseling… You both made a commitment and had children together. Marriage is work. He needs to know when he’s being controlling and you need to know if you’re being disrespectful to him in certain ways. Maybe you both lack communication. All this advice about just walk away is ridiculous. You’re gonna have problems in this relationship and any other in the future. Work on it and if it still doesn’t work, then move on and split everything 50/50. That’s not mean, there’s no reason he shouldn’t get equal time with the kids.
Don’t do anything for him just look after yourself and the kids let him wash his own clothes get his own food
Well if it’s both your house then normally u sell it or one or the other buys the other person out . If u don’t work then u really can’t afford the house . I’m guessing he wants 50/50 to not pay child support
At the end of the day, you don’t need an excuse to end a relationship you are not happy in. Only you can decide what is best for you. You can try any method you want to save your marriage if that is what you want. You can also choose to leave if that is what you want. No one can give you the advice that is right for you, because no one else is living your life but you. Trust yourself enough to know what you think is best for you. Your kids will appreciate your strength and courage, no matter what you do, at the end of the day.
Step 1. Get a job. There are places that will hire you.
Step 2. File for a divorce. Expect that he wont have to pay alimony because you’re filing and yes he should get to keep the house because hes paid for it by legal standards and also because you’re the one choosing to walk away.
Step 3. Learn to co parent. He should absolutely get 50/50 custody. Kids need their dads too.
If you really feel that it’s the ending you want then do you sis. Make your own happiness. If you think you should try counseling first, go. If you think its worthless, dont. It’s up to you how to handle the situation, but also you never should have let yourself be dependent on a man for that long amount of your life. There’s no good reason for it because now you have to figure out how to get unstuck from under his thumb.
It’s up to the court what he gets not him.
Get a job and go from there.
WOW not one person told you it’s not about YOU ! Only Dasha said talk to a professional about the fact you made a marriage and 3 kids shit your life was traded for family life so get over the fact yo gave up your youth the Wild life is nothing but a set back bitch your set up you got a man who will fight you to be a husband and father shit that’s a GOOD MAN AND DAM GOOD LUCK you sound depressed to me fat maybe from kids so smoke weed get in shape and wake up you must be dreaming about fantasy life once you lose your family you got nothing but 3 fucked up kids a hurt man and you wishing you did not think it’s all about you cause it’s not get help mind body soul your tanks are empty time to fill up the love tank
FIRST……MAKE IT TO THE 11TH YEAR. This is very important. You can attach to and draw his social security if it’s more than yours when you retire. You NEED to hire a lawyer…“I’m keeping the house” BS, at this point, isn’t going to work. It’s been 10 years, and he can’t keep the house. He might get partial custody of the kids, with residential with you, and child support. If you don’t work and haven’t for 10 years it’s quite possible that alimony will also be put into place—for a period of time. You can attach to his pension, your bank account, your lawyer can petition that he pays you the equity in the home, or sells and pays you half the proceeds. Don’t set yourself up for failure, and don’t set your kids up for failure. Set money aside, document everything, petition for divorce with an attorney….whatever you have to do.
Talk to a lawyer to find out what divorce laws are in your state and they differ in each state. Such as how much alimony you are entitled to, are you entitled to any of his benefits packages like his 401k (if he has one) Just because he doesn’t want a divorce doesn’t mean you can’t still go and file one.
First you have to get a job and stop depending on him.
You need your time to do thinks as well, you have to feel yourself productive.
Then you rethink about it, if you have the same problems get the divorce and share the custody because your kids deserve a mom and a dad.
Is hard but not impossible.
See a councillor they will help you sort out this mess in your head and understand what type of personality type your hubby may be ? He sounds like he’s really insecure and has fallen into the trap of being controlling towards you which obviously pushes you away, feeling trapped , it’s not healthy unless he’s trying to protect you from wearing your summer coat in winter or he’s a has fully blown narcissist traits which are completely exhausting
Look for local women’s and children’s groups that can help you find temporary housing, acquire benefits to get you on your feet and meanwhile file for divorce, asking for custody, child support and maintenance (formerly known as alimony) for yourself. It’s not what HE wants, it’s what you’re entitled to. He doesn’t just get to keep everything and demand everything. He may be the only financial provider but that only means you’re entitled to getting support for yourself too, not just the kids. Every state is different, so I’m basing this advice off Illinois law. Inform yourself, do some courthouse research of your own. Some organizations will represent you in court pro bono which is free. Worth a try, it won’t be quick nor easy but you DO have options.
Technically he would have to buy you out of the house.
Honestly, I think you and your husband should try counseling. Marriages have their ups and downs. Life has it’s ups and downs. Marriage takes a lot of effort from both partners. You should do everything you can before you give up. If you really feel like you’ve tried everything, you will need to get a job to support yourself and your children. If your husband is a good father, he should have your children 50/50. Fathers are parents too! Leave him the house so your children can still live there half the time and get your own place. If you want to be a single mother, you are going to have to work very hard. And that is the reality of it.
First off, if you want to disconnect from him then don’t depend on him financially. Get a job and provide for yourself. He will be responsible for child support to help with the kids financially. Get a job that the schedule can work with his visitation time. Just because you are done with him doesn’t mean the kids have to be. Unless there is abuse, of course.
Get a lawyer,he want have a say in who gets what the courts do.
Well I guess he is the only one to able to afford the house and why not 50/50 custody? He is the other 50% parent! U dont have parents or siblings to maybe move in with until u get a job and make your own money
Have you tried marriage counseling? If you still want to end this after he will probably be more willing because then you can literally say we tried everything. And the therapist will help him accept it.
If your really that sick of it you’d go to a women’s shelter where they can get u set up with a place and child support for 3 kids should be enough to help until your find and hold a job. That’s obviously worse case scenario, with not having family, money or help.
Y’all talking about what he has paid for like the house. Well she has been at home 24/7 taking care of his kids too, does she get paid for babysitting uh no. And she cooks ,cleans,does laundry,does she get paid uh no.she has a full time freeee job
I suggest you focus on improving yourself…get a degree or certification, join a gym or do beach body workouts at home, go to individual and couples counseling, set some goals as a couple whether it be for a vacation, a certain amount if savings or an addition or home improvement. Having babies is stressful.
Get a job if hes a good father he should absolutley get 50/50 custody. And if the house belongs to him it should be his house. You are the one wanting to leave the marriage not him. So you would have to start over… Find a lawyer… but in order to do so you need money… so getting a job should be your first concern if you plan on leaving him… he shouldn’t have to leave a house he paid for because your unhappy
Him keeping the house he pays for and 50/50 of the children sounds fair. Get a job and a place of your own. You’re the one leaving. I’m confused as to what is the problem. Also, don’t listen to all these people saying get a lawyer unless the situation comes to that. Talk with your husband, come up with an equal parenting plan, and file that with divorce papers. Then move on. It’s best to try to do everything cordially. Lawyers only care about getting as much money as possible and courts will drag on forever only causing resentment and debt.
There has to be a reason as to why you married him and continued to have his children! Marriage isn’t all rainbows and sunshine, it’s about commitment! It’s not always 50/50, sometimes you could be feeling 20% and hubby could be feeling 80% - when one falls you pick each other back up. That’s a long time to be with someone, perhaps the connection is just lost and just need to reconnect again.
Legal separation has no expiration date, allows you to keep your insurance, 10 years legally married equals child support and separate maintenance for you. Plus auto. I did it. 27 years and 4 kids and were surviving…if you keep the same pattern your enabling him to continue. If you want things to change then go to an attorney. Part of mine included a restraining order. My ex signed because I told him we can always get back together, it’s not a, divorce and he was desperate to prove to me that we could work it out. Almost 2 years now, and dont kid yourself…it is still a loss and you will grieve no matter how over him you may think you are…light a match under your ass and go find a lawyer…get the ball rolling! Trust me, it is abuse and it will gut you if you dont act on your instincts. Good luck to you!
Talk to a lawyer and spend some time considering your options. If you need to, call Legal Aid for an appointment.
Sounds like ur wanting something but not contributing other then pumping out kids. Get a job and build urself up. Alot of it is probably cause because u sit on ur ass. !
I agree need a job that you can live on and not on him.
Marriage is full of ups and down like a rollercoaster.
It’s hard work
But I am sure all these women will back u up cause it’s a one sided group built around putting women up and men down…
I feel the one that wants to split the marriage should be the one that does not get the house u made vows a marriage isn’t a piece of paper it’s vows u made to be with that person forever no matter what right now is the bad times which ur suppose to tough it through it just sounds like u don’t wanna try for ur marriage u both should go to marriage counseling before considering divorce
Your married to a controlling narcissist. Get the divorce and get it sooner rather than later. An attorney can advise you of your options.
Guess you better learn to be independent
Have you tried marriage counseling? Seems like you both need a little therapy
Get FULL legal custody!! Save yourself some headaches later on. That 50/50 crap can get messy later on. My advice would also be to not say anything to him anymore about the divorce and just save money where you can, and prepare to move without telling him where.
He can keep the house and get 50% custody. If you really want to leave make an exit plan. Go back to work,save money,look for a place to live. Understand he can get 50% custody. He can get a girlfriend and bring her around your kids. This is the reality of divorce.
Marriage takes work and commitment. You don’t leave when things get hard you fix it. Find a job, hit the gym, go to marriage and personal counseling, get a hobby. Happiness isn’t based on a man it’s based on YOU !
Pack up and leave. End of story.
Have y’all gone to marriage counseling?
I’m going to tell you something from my personal experience. I do not know your situation so here it goes.
BEFORE YOU GET DIVORCED:
You need to take the necessary steps to become an individual. What you have ALLOWED yourself to become is a stay at home mom, something that in my opinion is one of the hardest things to be because it’s never ending. You had an understanding in the beginning I’m assuming that you’d stay home with the children and he’d work. It may have worked in the past but you have matured and evolved as a person and that role isn’t working for you any more. Just because you want to change your role does not mean a divorce is required. Start small, take a class once or twice in the evening and if he doesn’t support you, find someone to watch the kids. He will need to get on board because you are determined. You are not asking for permission, you need this to become the woman you yearn to become.
You both married so young so you need to sit him down and explain that you are no longer 15. You are now 25 (based on your info) and have transitioned into a 25 year old woman. I believe a woman transitions into a more in-depth version of herself every 7-9 years. What that means is that your expectations have change. What you expected of him as a 15 year old has obviously changed now at the age of 25. Also, I also believe that the older we get the less we tolerate because we strive for peace of mind. In order for you to feel like yourself, a lot of change needs to happen. The change has already begun from within, but obviously you need it to happen on the outside. Again, you are telling your husband this, NOT asking. Do not waver. Him getting mad is inevitable, but that is not your concern. Now, if you don’t feel safe, that’s a whole different issue. But if you are safe and he just does not want change, him getting upset is in part that he is insecure because you wanting more means there’s something wrong with him that’s why he is resisting change but change has already happened.
The fact that he wants to keep trying is good because you need to tell him either he accepts this new mature version of yourself or you will continue to grow resentful until you must put yourself first. You cannot be the best mom you can be if you do not feel complete.
Once you’ve taken initiative and began your outward transformation, you must push forward. You need to get a part time job because it seems that you have never worked and maybe you can see things from your husband’s perspective and at the same time know how freeing it can be to have your own job.
He can only treat you how you allow him to treat you. Sounds more you need to discuss boundries through counseling as well.
Married way too young. I did the same thing. I was 16. It lasted 6 years and had 2 kids. I am now 52. I have no ill will toward him. We were just kids. Had no idea what life was really about. Just figured out how to co-parent in a postive way.
He can say what he wants, it doesn’t make it true. Let the courts decide.
Maybe try and get a job. If he works nights. Get a job in the morning or vice versa and go from there.
Get a job and start tucking money away in a completely different account. If he’s ever verbally or mentally abusive (or abusive in any other way) try and record it and then send it to a trusted friend or family member. Then when you can file for divorce. Some states are now where you don’t have to have your spouses signature.
He’s the one paying for the house so he should be able to keep it? And the kids are half his, he should get 50% custody???
It sounds like reasonable things to say. I don’t know why so many people get selfish with kids when splits happen. They deserve their dad as much as they deserve you.
That Grass on the other side that looks green could be fake grass… ( or )it could have taken a hundred years of nurturing to make it Beautiful. Divorce is not always the answer. ( unless there is Abuse , infidelity Drugs or Severe Mental illness). Sometimes it makes your life 100x worse. There is no peaches and cream and smooth sailing every single day… Thete is work , work and more work and sometimes you get to set down and enjoy the peaches and creme before you start back working at it all again. Life is hard… Marriage is hard… Raising children is hard… being a SAHM is hard… Spring out baby strps moving forward… get a part time Job start finding yourself and your place in this world. Change is good it means your maturing but, you don’t have to Divorce for you to change, your husband to change, or for your Marriage and Love to change.
So get a divorce then
If he has supported you the entire marriage then I believe you have a right to half of what you and him own… if it’s all in his name then that’s not good… another part of him being controlling id assume if that’s so. But I think if you went through with court and shit they should make him responsible for helping you until you are at least on your feet. You may not have worked but you have been the backbone of the family if you stayed home taking care of children …
Honestly, I believe that a lot of marriages where one parent stays home usually has a pretty big resentment problem. Maybe try getting a job and going to counseling first. But life is too short to be unhappy. I was a childcare teacher with 4 kids and was constantly told by my cheating ex that I could never make it without him. 4 years later and the kids and I are happier than ever and I’m engaged to an amazing man. Go back to school, do it online at night if you have to, stay with family for a few months until you get on your feet, look into Dave Ramsey. You deserve to be independent and happy.
Get a job and start saving your money. Get an apartment and let him have 50/50 custody.
Ok so I became a SAHM at 18. Been with my guy since 16 1/2, we are 26 now. We didn’t want to get married until we were sure that this is what we wanted. It’s hard sometimes, but love is a commitment not a just a feeling.
You need some independence. Of course you can’t stand him, he’s probably the only adult you see regularly. That has to change. Counciling would be good too so he can understand that you need room to grow and become your own person. That’s hard to do with kids on your hip at all times. What’s something kid free you like? Get into that.
It’s easy to get accustomed to having someone there all the times and relying on them. Now that you’re changing he wants you to be who you were when you guys met, hence the control issues. No more kids until you’re on stable ground if you can help it. For your own sanity and marriage. See if you can fix this before you snap it in half. Divorce is hard on the whole family so look before you leap.
Not sure what state you live in. Might want to check it out. In the the divorce you can make him sale the house and you and he can split the money or he has to pay you for you half of the house. And you can get child SUPPORT. And if your kids are on Medicaid you can get a discount on daycare. And you can get an apartment based on your income. Section 8 or HUD. Just go to the apartment you’re interested in living in.and they well help you. And you can also get food stamps. Just get your ducks in a row befor you anything.
If you’ve gotten to the point where you cant stand him you can leave. You are not his prisoner. This is the end of th his relationship you’ve tried, it didn’t work. He cannot force this relationship. Pack up your kids and go. Of course you’ll have to agree to some sort of visitation or meeting place for him to see the kid’s. But other than that you file for divorce.
Pack your things and leave with the children. See a lawyer, get a divorce. Get out while you can.
I recommend that you educate yourself in the law of your state for a divorce. The bottom line is it’s not his decision it’s a judges decision and the house unless he wants to buy you out he won’t be able to keep. I recommend you go to school or some certifications program so you can be self reliant financially. Plus it looks good to your children being a role model. However I will tell you that it cost money for a lawyer and you do not want to go to court without a lawyer in this matter. Some states have awesome programs but usually there is a mile long waiting list. Keep the faith but never forget that you deserve happiness
Make your marriage work if he’s trying you should as well. Things get hard yes, but try and pray about it
You guys have been together since you were kids. Never really had a chance to find yourselves or your adult life. Marriage is hard work, you actually have to work to make it work. My ex husband couldn’t handle this aspect and would cheat and then leave me holding the bag for everything. Marriage was easier than being a single mom.
Why do you keep having kids then? Shoulda kept your legs closed.
Idk why people think marriage is being with your best friend and happy all the time. Do you any marriage is happy all the time, hell no! They will days that you hate him, months even. Marriage is not 50/50 it’s 100/100 and it will never work if you don’t give 100% each. I’m married for 10 years, for married at 18 had a kid a year later and now have 3 children, ages 10/8/6, guess what? Am I happy every single day? God no, but we make it work. I love him and he loves me. So often people think you ain’t the perfect husband or wife, people gotta run the other way. How do you think people stayed married for 60/70 years. NOW I AM NOT SAYING if the marriage is toxic or abusive or something that like that anyone would should stay, but your problems are pretty common in any marriage at some point. If you want a good marriage you gotta work for it. It’s not a ohh I’m just not happy I’m done kinda thing, work for it, if it still don’t work after you have tried everything then go your separate ways.
Don’t leave he loves you the grass is not greener on the other side I have been their done it and I’m.telling u from experience don’t girl and plus another man doesn’t love your kids like the real father when u get older u can stand up and say we’ve been married 45 yrs u better listen to me a good man who loves u is hard to find
Well I don’t have any advice but I wanted one a couple of different times he always threaten to me that he’d quit his job move out of state and I’d never get any child support while I worked and took care of three kids but back then I didn’t make enough to support us so I always gave up and then I came home one day several years later for lunch and he was gone so perhaps you could hook him up with some other little honey because that’s what happened to mine I finally got rid of him when he decided he liked her better