QUESTION:
"I am unsure how to go about this situation; I have been separated from my daughter’s father for nine years; my daughter is 10. He’s been a minimal aspect of her life with phone calls here and there but nothing consistent.
I recently found out he has another child on the way; he has not told my daughter yet about it. I’m not 100% sure of the relationship status of him and the woman pregnant with his child. I do not feel like it is my responsibility to tell my daughter about the new baby, but I don’t want to hide it from her either, and her father is not the type of person to see this as an important thing to do.
Is it wrong for me to reach out to the woman and start to try and build a relationship for my child and her soon to be half-sibling?"
RELATED QUESTION: I found my little sister on Facebook and want to contact her: Advice?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“Let sleeping dogs lie. He hasn’t been part of her life and her having a relationship with her sibling is likely to reopen that wound.”
“I personally would not do it as of now maybe in the future you really don’t want to get your daughter’s hopes up for a relationship that might never happen.”
“Being that kid whose split parents hid a sibling until I was 10, tell her. It should be his responsibility true and give him the opportunity to do so. But you’re just as responsible for her emotional well being. Lemme tell you, when I found out about my older sister and knew none of the adults in my bubble were mature enough to tell me the truth; not only was I sad, I was furious with them. OH and I blamed them both. You will not escape with “Well it was his responsibility to tell you, it was his call”. Oh no, that will not fly with a kid, especially when she trusts you most in the world. In fact, it’s a great way to make her question what else you’ll lie to her about or have lied to her about. I know some may not agree, however, I have been that kid. From experience tell her the truth. Best of luck with the situation however you decide to approach it.”
“YES, it would be wrong to go around the father of both girls despite who you are (the mom to one) and what your intentions are. You can talk to the father, ask him what he intends to do, explain your feelings but beyond that, it is really his call.”
“I personally wouldn’t. Just let it be. It’s not your business to tell. If he tells her that’s his business. He isn’t consenting to her life. What if he is to this new child. You’d cause her a whole lot of unnecessary pain.”
“Reach out with caution. You don’t know the story or what kind of woman she is, or what your ex told her about you. Maybe do some research first, a little Facebook stalking and such to know what you’re dealing with. And be prepared to back off in case she ends up being hostile or toxic.”
“Maybe wait until the child is a bit older before contacting this other woman. It seems like there’s a lot going on here and you don’t want to be involving your child in that right now or get her hopes up about a sibling. There are 9 years between them; they can’t exactly play together so she’s not going to miss out on much.”
“Honestly I would suggest waiting simply because 10 is a fragile age and the news that the absent father is having another child may incorporate feelings of not being good enough or wondering what she did wrong. That’s just my opinion and as a mother myself I would consider my daughter’s feelings over anything but also understand that some adult situations are hard for children to fully understand and sometimes may turn it inwards.”
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