Simple: use common sense. Daughter could be Devastated if she found out first when it’s her adoptive parents choice
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Move on until she wants to contact you.
On the off chance they didnt tell her she’s adopted id contact them first and see where it goes. Everyone telling u u made ur choice 18yrs ago can shut up. They don’t know y u gave her up or for what reasons and it doesn’t matter anyways. Ur not asking to be her mom simply just wanting to meet the girl. And its not like u never tried to stay in contact with them.
I would also prepare for her not to be ready to speak with u right away as well especially if she wasn’t told about being adopted. It can be pretty shocking and probably have a lot of emotions behind it that she isn’t quite sure how to handle yet. Just be calm and patient and take things slow
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She has a new name and new life. I’m glad her parents were willing to share
Ask parents or let her be
Sometimes they just want to know why. And that’s all
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You need to leave it alone … let the child reach out to you … its her choice if she wants to know you … not yours
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As an adoptive parent Im torn on this.
As a child I knew from age 3 that my mom lived in a different place. I was told about it. I never ever felt like I was missing out on having a mom, because I never felt anything about the woman I didnt know. My childhood was amazing. When I did meet her at 16, I had to move in with her because my parents had died. Life became a living hell. Fast forward and I am now an adoptive parent. My children know. I have kept them in contact with thier grandparents. My daughter got to meet her father. My children have zero contact with bio mom due to toxicity. My son also has zero contact with his father for same reason. I made it clear that I believe every child should have as many people in their corner as possible but anyone who is toxic will be cut out.
My feelings are so torn here lol.
I dont believe that you should contact her first. I believe you should contact the mother.
This should not be about your needs and wants. It should only be about hers. If you have any love at all for this child then you put her emotional and psychiatric needs before ANYTHING else. Im telling you this as a mental health clinician who works with trauma. Consider how this is going to affect her mentally.
Contact her mom first. Not because you need permission, but because you care about your childs mental health. Contact her first so that you are better informed and have the knowledge can’t make a responsible decision on how to move forward.
Let her know that you intend to make contact and ask if your child knows. If she doesn’t then you need to consider how badly YOU need her to know and how important YOU think it is to completely destroy everything she has believed in until now.
How will having that knowledge improve her life? How will it benefit her? Who is going to support her when her fantasy world comes crashing down around her? Is she resilient enough to bear that burden? Are you selfish enough to make that happen and be fully accountable for that damage?
If she does already know, then you are in luck and so is she. No surprises. If she knows, then ask the mom if she would help facilitate meting your child. Tell her how much you appreciate everything she has done and what a great mom she has been. Make her a part of this. Dont leave her out. Dont make her feel like she did all the work so you can waltz in and take everything from her. I don’t care what anybody says you need to consider that you have the potential to ruin two lives, if not more, simply based on your need to connect.
So if you have the ability to enhance their lives then do just that. Do it right and do it based on the needs of the child not on your needs.
And if she does not know then you need to decide on whether or not you’re going to move forward with contacting her and if so then let the adoptive parent know that you’re going to give them a little bit of time 2 think about how they’re going to approach that with her and provide her the information so that hearing from you is not a surprise or detrimental.
Honestly I would let them know that they have two or three months just so they can find the right time and the right words and set a date on when you’re going to make that contact.
I suggest that simply because as a parent as a parent I would want to find the right words and the right way to do it and I would need a little bit of time to wrap my head around it.
Anyway I just want to end this by saying that I truly appreciate the choice you made so many years ago. I have much respect for you, not very many people understand that it is a decision purely out of love in consideration of another’s well-being. Im so sorry for the pain in your heart, but you did the best you could at the time and made the ultimate sacrifice 
One last thing… try finding a therapist who is an adoption specialist talk to her a couple times before you approach this and then when it’s time to make contact it would be really beneficial for both you and your child to have that professional available so that both of you can address any concerns with them.
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Contact her adoptive parents. They can talk to her and leave the decision up to her.
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No leave her be. You didn’t want her. Why disrupt her life now?
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I would ask her adoptive mom before reaching out to her. You don’t know if they’ve even told her that she’s adopted or not. That could be devastating to her if she doesn’t know.
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I would definitely contact the adoptive mother first. Not necessarily for permission but to let her know you are wanting to reach out to your daughter and your intentions.
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Message the mother 1st for your safety. You dont know what the child’s mindset is. And this will build the relationships and make you look good.
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Ask the mother first.
I would ask her mother first.
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I think it’s important to know why you want to reach out and what your ultimate goal is when you do. Either way I would always contact the Mother first even if she is of age. You don’t want to freak the parents out or give them the impression that you’re trying to infringe on the original agreement. I think this would be very hard for all involved. Even at 18 she’s still a child.
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Talk to her parents. Let them talk to her and let her know you would like to meet. Give them your contact information for her to reach out when she is ready.
Absolutely you should contact the parents first. Tell them you’d like to speak to their daughter. And then leave your contact info for her to make her own choice. I can tell how much you love her and I’ve no doubt you miss her, but this has to be her choice after she knows how you’re feeling. I’d say the same if the situation was flipped and she was inquiring about finding you. Good luck
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Why exactly would you want to reach out to her? You gave her up when she was born so I really don’t feel you have any reason or right to reach out. I think you would be doing more harm than good. You may have given birth to her, but you are not that girl’s mother. The woman who took care of her for the last 18 years IS her mother.
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Id definitely reach out to the adoptive mother, first. My mother was adopted and didn’t care to meet her birth mother until she was in her 40s. She just wasn’t ready and that’s valid. Reach out and see if its something that she might be interested in. But, be prepared that she may not be ready and you can’t force it. I wish you the best!
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Out of respect for her parents…them 1st. Let them either ask her how she feels, or tell her before you drop a bomb that could possibly destroy her. Not all kids wonder why they were given up. I wish you the best of luck and hope all turns out for you. 
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Definitely reach out to the mom first. You never know if that information was ever disclosed with the family. Before stirring anything up, make sure the parents know. Don’t ruin a potential relationship doing it the wrong way. They were kind enough to send you photos and a letter, show them that same respect and communicate.
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Contact her adoptive mom. Find out IF she knows she’s adopted or it would be a traumatizing shock to get an email from you. Ask the mom to pass along your information to your daughter, let her come to you. As a birth mom I often wonder about when my son is old enough and what will come but I’d rather leave him to come to me. I chose to give him a better life and so it’s not my right to rush into his life when he’s an adult. I’ll let him be and live his life, if he wants me in his life then great, if not then that’s okay too.
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Please understand the trauma adoptees have and be understanding if the adopted child has mixed feelings about wanting to be found by their birth parent or have a relationship.
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Daughter. She is 18 now. No need to go thru adoptive mother.
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As an mom of an adopted child, please reach out to the parent(s) first out of respect. Even if the child is 18 I feel like it’s the right thing to do.
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Join a birth mother group on fb and ask this question there. Only another birthmom can help with this… Especially those of us that have already reunified.
This is somewhat relevant but may not be helpful to your situation. As you did not make your intentions clear as to why you wanted to have contact with the child you gave up, then you may get different perspectives from those trying to help. My “sister” gave up her child at birth. She knew that the adoptive mom had migrated with the child. My “sister” found out where the child was living who at that point was an impressionable teenager. Together they came up with a cockamamie story to remove the teen from the adoptive mom’s home because the teen claimed that the adoptive mom was “too strict” When the child was 18, my “sister” “smuggled” the 18 yr old away. Brought her to live with her, then got a taste of said teen’s unruly behaviour. The teenager was subsequently kicked out of the house by the biological parents. She hooked up with a felon and now has 3 kids of her own at the ripe old age of 23. Moral of the story? There are several lessons here which may or may not apply.
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My first question would be before contacting said daughter does she know she’s adopted… It could open up a whole other set of headaches for the family who adopted her…
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I Totally agree with that!!
She’s an adult. You don’t need anyone’s permission but if you want to do it out of courtesy go ahead.
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The 18 year old will someday know and may look for her other Mom through the DNA ancestry. She may not be the Mom that raised her, but she is still the Mom that had her. nothing wrong with having two moms in this case. The daughter is already 18, so I’m sure it will be up to her if she wants to reach out.
I’m an adoptee, I think you should contact your birth daughter directly and also let the adopted parents know that you have done so.
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Maybe allow the child to reach out to you IF she chooses. This should be all about her.
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Birth daughter she’s of age she’s an adult now she can make decision
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As an adoptive parent, I have to say that going to the adoptive parents would be best for many reasons. The biggest is that the child may feel as tho they are disrespecting their parents by seeking a relationship with the bio parents. If you and the AP’s can discuss some things first, then go to the child together, you can present yourself as a united front and together support the child.
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Mother first. Just so she has time to process and speak to yours and her daughter. This is a huge step and you don’t know how she will react to this… I’ll just pray for all 3 of you. Good luck!
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the family that adopted her was SUPPOSED to keep in contact , it was a OPEN adoption ( with rules yes ) but the adopted mom and dad failed to do their part , they SHOULD have been sending yearly photos , yearly updates and yearly visits ( if the yearly visits was part of the rules ) … Since they failed to keep up on their part , the bio mom should not have to go through the adopted parents … They didn’t have respect for the bio mom so why should the bio mom have respect for them … And besides , the 18 year old should have been told that she’s adopted and if she doesn’t know well then that’s the adopted parents fault for not telling her not the bio mom’s fault
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Every single human being deserves to know who they really are. It is very wrong to not give the 18 year old daughter. Information in who she is. Not some half ass information. The truth, not lies. They person who gave her life deserves to share all the info with the daughter. Always two sides to every story. The adoptive parents did not do what was asked of them. The one who gave her life should always have that right.
I would be iffy on contacting the adoptive parents only because it seems like they’re hesitant if all their information is private, all the rules etc. It is up to your birth daughter though she’s an adult and has the right to know. If I was you I’d reach out to her just to prevent the parents from trying to block you from doing so. Find out if she wants the connection or not and move forward from there.
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My adopted parents reached out to my biological when I was 18 but asked me first. Although I wish I had slowed down a bit because my adopted parents passed away and my real ones don’t want a single thing to do with me.
Ask the adoptive mom
I wouldn’t chance bringing drama into the child’s life. At this point they have built a life without you they may not be as eager as you are to meet the person that didn’t want them when they were born. It can go ok or really really bad. Hard situation.
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I would reach out to the mom. Maybe she doesn’t know she is adopted. Surprising your daughter might do more harm than good
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I would go to the parents first. At least see if they have told her she’s adopted. They offered the open adoption with rules. They didn’t have to. Be gracious in the matter. It may get you further and possibly accepted better by your child. If they just blow you off then try reaching out to her directly but just give facts and let her make her own decisions on what kind of relationship she wants with you. I was told the man I called dad for years wasn’t my father and it left me feeling like I had been lied to for years and I couldn’t trust anyone. It’s really a very hard pill to swallow
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I’m adopted. Leave her alone. She’ll find you one day if she wants to
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Let it alone. If she wants to see you she wil.
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You may be the biological birther of this child but you are NOT her legal MOTHER OR FATHER… she has lived a full life of love and dedication from people she sees As her parents. You made a choice that you are now regretting or feeling remorseful for. But know, the Lord gave you the courage to let her go to loving parents. If there is a chance that they haven’t told her yet, it’s best you stay out of it. You really don’t have a right to seek her out. The Trauma and emotional pain you can cause by you making yourself known can be detrimental to everyone. Plus it’s incredibly disrespectful to butt into something that is really non of your business. Respect her parents right to privacy. And if they end up telling her she was adopted and she wants to seek you, than GREAT! She makes that choice, not you. You don’t have a right to pop into a strangers life and make it all topsy-turvy because of your own emotional guilt.
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Go through the agency
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Does she no shes adopted. Personally u gave her up. If she knew about you she would find you. Dont ruin her life if she doesnt no about you
Adoptive mother she might not know she is Adopted and its not worth causing drama.
Leave her alone. Let her find you. She’s built an entire life with her mom and dad. When it’s time, she’ll come to you.
I’m sick of seeing this crap about ruining her life. The adoptive parents should have told her if they have not already. That is on them. Bio mom has every right to do as she pleases. The girl is 18, and it’s between the two of them. OP it’s probably best to post this question in the Adoption: Facing Realities group.
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I was lied to my whole life up to about 20 years ago. My mother said my dad died before I was born. Then 40+ years later I found out he was alive for most of my life! My mother died about 11 years ago and I’m still a bit angry about it.
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I’d reach out Probably to adopted Mother first if that doesn’t go well Seek your child out She deserves to know you Many families forge a relationship with both
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You seem like you have your mind made up. I would def contact the adoptive parents first. Theres a good chance she doesnt even know shes adopted and they should be the ones to tell her not you. Message the mother and go from there
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I would reach out to both at the same time! She’s an adult now and should have the opportunity of hearing from you to make her decision
My husband is adopted while he knew who his birth mother was… he did not know who his father was.
He had no interest of knowing at first, not until down the road by then it was to late.
He kinda hoped he dad would of reached out to him when he was 18.
His parents will always will be his parents but like other have said you never know if they told her about you. You can reach out to the mom and ask. After that it’s up to them and her. Good luck
reach out she is 18 now
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I’d message her adoptive mom first out of curiosity. She may not know she is adopted and could bring a lot of drama . She sounds like a nice woman
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This is a hard one… I think she may get weirded out by birth moms stalking … I think you shouldn’t have went over your boundaries that you created by giving her up. Meaning you shouldn’t have went the extra to dig up every little detail you could find , like school, name ect . If that was to be shared I’m sure it would have been done at the beginning.
Wait for her to come to you. Keep contact with parents . Wait.
Like any parenting situation, the child’s interest must be put first and foremost, and at this point you do not know what those interests are. So its probably best that you speak to the parents because they would know the child’s needs, readiness and emotional state much better.
Even if the adoptive parents are not ready or they don’t want to, it’s still important to respect their wishes and be patient with them. People can have a change of heart, but they won’t look kindly on you bypassing their parental rights. Which only makes it worst for the child. So learn to work with the adoptive parents and allow them to help you introduce yourself, if the child wishes to meet you.
She’s 18 now. Do what you want.
I would go to the birth mom first. It sounds like she is open to contact. Let adoptive mom give your birth daughter some time to digest the situation. Then the daughter can make the decision for herself. Keep in mind that she may not want contact right away. Give her space and time. Good luck!
Ive made plenty of comments, so now I’ll make a post. Biology is identity. When you adopt a child, you are adopting them from ANOTHER FAMILY. People who had that child FIRST. It is your moral obligation to honor that child by being HONEST with them and not lying about their adoption. If you do, you are being selfish and you shouldnt adopt in the first place. My parents told me about my adoption from very early on. It did not affect me negatively because they never treated me differently than my siblings. They are my parents and I love them to death. Knowing they are not my biological parents didnt change the fact that they are who raised me. when I was 19, I was contacted by my biological mother. It was a closed adoption but I filled out paperwork at the agency with my contact info at 18. It was one of the best days of my life! The connection that was missing was finally connected. I found out I had a little brother, aunts, uncles, grandparets etc. I have a whole second family now! It’s awesome. My bio mom gave me up at 15. I have NO contact with bio father or father’s family. My bio father was 30 when I was born. He had groomed my mother since she was 12 and hot her pregnant at 15. Hes a pephile and is currently in prison for rping another teenager. My parents did NOT tell me about my birth fathers past, which I appreciate because a child cannot process that. But telling me that I was adopted was a treasure and I am forever grateful that they never lied to me.
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I’d be respectful and contact the adoptive mother first, she had the decency to write u and give u a graduation photo so u should respect her and start there first!
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As she is now 18, I would reach out to your birth daughter herself. She is legally an adult
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Contact her adoptive mom n ask if kid would like to talk with you.
Act like a mom, talk to her mom first.
I’d message the mom first and then my daughter
At the very least tell her mom first.
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Uh yeah no thats weird
I say reach out to the adoptive mom first. If she says no or does not reply then go to your daughter and reach out
Reach out to her adoptive mother first.
I’m glad they cooperated when l contacted the lady that adopted my son she said he doesn’t want anything to do with me and that he feels my children aren’t his siblings. That he could care less about meeting us l was like fine then screw you people we are better off without you my kids don’t claim him either 
Definitely go through the mom. If she is not open to it and you feel your biological daughter may want to speak with or get to know you then bypass the mom.
Just because she just turned 18 doesn’t magically make her a grown up. Being of legal age and being an adult don’t always go hand in hand. I don’t think I’ve ever met an 18 year old who wouldn’t need/want their mother with them for something so emotional. Good luck!
That doesn’t sound very “open” to me. Open would mean your daughter had at least some direct contact with you and knew you were her mother. Reach out to her. If nobody has told her she’s adopted yet or if her adopters have lied to her about you, it’s their problem and they’ll have to face the consequences. Hopefully she is willing to see you & hear your side. Adopters can be toxic, controlling people and she is an adult. I reunited with my mother 22 years ago and found out I’d been lied to about almost everything. My aunt basically stole me from her.
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Go to her. She is an adult. She is not the property of her adopters. This is an adult adoptee speaking. I would want to hear from you.
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Message her. She’s of age. Trust me - it may not be perfect but it’ll be raw and real. Bet that’s all she wants. Good luck! How exciting!
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Go threw the mother out of respect for the whole family I’m sure she has questions and you have the answer too give her good luck
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Be respectful and go through the parents. Just because she is a legal adult now doesnt change that she built a whole life without you, and with them. The least you could do is make sure everyone is okay with and aware of your intentions. The topic of you could be a delicate one for her or be triggering. Be graceful when handling this 
best luck! 
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As an adoptee all I ever wanted was my biological family to find me. Lies and secrets only damage the adoptee. I would ask your child if she wants contact. She probably will but if she isn’t ready, don’t give up. She may need time. Adoptees need to know their heritage and health history. If she is an adult it is up to her and not her parents. Adoptive parents are not the ones who were traumatized. Adoptees need to heal from their relinquishment. Finding my biological family was a huge step in my healing.
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Your daughter is now 18. Reach out to her so she knows you love and care for her Then let her lead the way and go by what she chooses. It’s no longer about the adoptive parents, she is legally an adult now. So many people here have such negativity to say but unless they are an adoptee or a birthmother, they should shut their mouths.
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I am so sick of the “took her in “ crap. We were bought and paid for. Cut the gratitude nonsense.
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Love equals abandoning. What a message to give a child. No wonder we adoptees have issues. And you wonder why we are angry and 4 times more likely to attempt suicide. It is not a loving option and we are not gifts.
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I just found my daughter after 18 years. Her mom did not want her in contact with me, but she is 20 years old and said its not up to her mom. After we met her mom was ok with it. (I think she was worried about my past)
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Go and find her! I found my dad after 38 years. Unfortunately my mother had passed and I’ll never get that. If she’s over 18, contact her directly I think
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Leave them all alone. You chose to give her up. Let her choose when it’s right for her to find you.
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As an adoptive Mom, PLEASE contact Mom first! You don’t know the child you gave birth to, or anything about this family. Please be respectful.
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Definitely no. I would reach out through the approved communication channels first. If you take the info from the picture and stalk them down via the internet they may not want to continue communicating with you at all. To me, that’s an invasion of privacy.
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Mother first. Out of respect for their family. She’s been part of it for too long. Might upset the balance of emotions.
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Flip side, same coin ~ an adult adoptee (relative of mine) searched for & contacted her bio mom. Rejected again! Was basically told “I gave you up at birth for a reason. There is no place in my life for you”. Bio mother’s family (husband, kids etc) had no idea she’d given birth as a teenager. Total heartbreak for my relative. Their loss, she’s an amazing human.
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When non adopted people want to know genealogy it is called a hobby. When we adopted people do it it is “disrespectful to adopters. Also our purchasers. And we get gaslit and gratitude rants. I am not grateful for having my entire family taken from me at a stroke of a pen. My aunts uncles cousins grandparents siblings medical history culture and am expected to be grateful for it!
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My mom gave my younger brother up for adoption at birth due to financial reasons. She had given the adoptive parents 2 letters to give to him at 18 years old. He did in fact receive those letters, and his adoptive mother bought him an ancestors DNA kit on his birthday. He knew he was adopted before then ( I’m not sure what age, but his older brother was an adopted child as well) After messaging many in the family he found my mom. Needless to say we have all kept in contact since meeting for the first time and we do hang out and do birthday parties for our kids and such together. (Him and his girlfriend just had a baby last year) His family is the best and my mom couldn’t have made a better choice at the time for him. I would be respectful of his mother who raised him and reach out to her first. She is 18, yes, but she may know nothing about you or the situation yet… something her parents should explain to her first. Meeting could be very hard on her yet also very exciting.
Best of luck!! 
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Adopters should be on board with not getting involved if they understood a small part of the psychology of the primal wound this adoptee carries. Just one disapproving comment about reunion from the adopter or even a look, can spiral an adoptee back into the fog for years, to avoid further “abandonment” loss, which most likely hasn’t been treated. This could be the difference between meeting kin before they die or not. Adopters, if they are advocates and allies for adoptees, should know to stay out of it until the adoptee might allow them into it. And if that’s never? That’s fine too.
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I would contact the mother first. I personally think adoption is one of the worst things ever. I can’t go into details but I’ve had a couple of personal experiences with it and it just tore the family apart. The mother ended up with horrible depression.
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It’s none of the adoptive mom’s business. She is an adult. You are an adult.
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I would respect the Mom and reach out to her first, find out a bit about your daughter… does she know she is adopted? I have an 18 year old and i dont think she is mature enough to handle finding out if she was adopted.
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Contact her adoptive mom first. Your daughter may not even know she’s adopted and you could end up flipping her entire world upside down.
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reach out to the mom 1st she may or may not know she is adopted. her mom will know if she can mentally handle it
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Well as a mother myself I would tell you this you gave that baby up 18 years ago therefore the adoptive mother who has uphold at her end of the bargain should definitely be contacted first to let her know you’re interested in getting to know the baby you gave up 18 years ago because as harsh as this may sound you gave her up and you gave up the right to know her unless the parents and the daughter choose to before being 18 or parents are notified of it Now that she is 18 and the daughter confirms that she wants to get to know you. Because right now this is all about that little girl not about you not about the adoptive parents it is literally just about her but the woman that raised that child for 18 years damn sure deserves respect from the woman who gave her up 18 years ago to be notified by her of her intentions.
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I am posting this because some people can’t seem to understand something simple and it’s pissing me off.
Someone who is adopted and does not know is going to have an emotional moment when they find out. Some people have a bad reaction, some have positive reactions, some have no reaction (though not very common). Most adoptive parents don’t tell their adoptive children about being adopted for their own reasons, a few being not wanting the child to see them as any less than their real parents, not wanting the birth parents to interfere, and more. Regardless of how you personally feel about whether or not a parent should tell their child they’re adopted, it is and always will be the parents decision and you have no voice in the matter. Your opinion on someone else’s choices with their children and their family is irrelevant.
As for a reunion between birth parent and child (no matter how old the damn person is it is still a child to the parents- adoptive and birth), the birth parent should 100% always go through the adoptive parent as it is not at all their place to insert themselves into this families life. For those who have asked “no one has to go through mommy and daddy before talking to an adult in anything else in life, so why would she have to talk to the girls mom before reaching out?”…this isn’t a dentist appointment, this isn’t a grocery pickup, this isn’t an oil change, this is a family and a sensitive situation that should be treated as such. If you can’t understand that basic fact, you need help.
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