Adoptive Mom first. Then leave it up to their daughter to decide if she wants to meet you.
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I would ask the adoptive mother first.
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Ask the parents first. I got in contact with my dad when I was in my 20s and it went horribly with him and mainly his wife but i was able to establish a relationship with my sister.
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The mom! You could destroy her and that would be very wrong of you! They raised her and all she knows is they are her parents.
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Don’t you dare! Don’t go messing with these people. They will do it when they are ready. You should speak to her adoptive parents and let them decide when their daughter is ready.
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Thinking if she is 18 now she is a adult hopefully she knows she is adopted. I would reach out to her but it’s up to her if she wants a relationship with you.
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For whoever said reach out, ya’ll some messy and selfish ass adults. Smh.
I’m adopted, so I have a unique point of view on this. I understand it was technically an open adoption but are you sure she knows she’s adopted? You definitely need to speak to the parents first. Find out how much the daughter knows about the situation. Once you’re fully informed you need to be very careful on how you approach it. Adopted kids all react differently to finding out who their birth mom is, some will be excited, some will get mad, some are indifferent, but some will get very defensive of their family. I’m not trying to tell you not to do anything, just tread lightly.
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My favorite aunt had been pressured to put her baby up for adoption when she was a young girl. Family member found her daughter. After my aunt was diagnosed with cancer. I am extremely thankful her daughter was found and was able to spend time with her before she passed. And shes so much like my favorite aunt. I absolutely love her.
I also know of a couple that had adopted 6 kids (all siblings) from foster care. Their biological mom stalked the kids social media. And without parents consent had contacted the kids. Sowing her seeds of evil spewings. Turning the kids against the parents ehom adopted them to make sure all the kids stayed together in a loving safe home.
ASK HER PARENTS FIRST!!! THEY RAISED HER!!!SHE IS THEIR DAUGHTER!!! And respect their wishes. They were able to do what you couldn’t. And raised her. While yes what you did was admirable by giving her up for adoption. But she is not your daughter once they adopted her. So do not upset. Destroy. Or mistreat their family dynamics if her mother and or her choose not to want contact. Let this child thrive and be happy. And yes 18 is still a child.
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You should ask the mom first and see if its ok with her.
You need to contact the adopted mom first: you have no idea if she even knows she is adopted. To me contacting her without doing that is extremely selfish it makes it about what you want and not what’s best for the child. 18 years is young to have a kid and you did what was best at the time continue to do what’s best for her contact the mom first. As an adopted person said on here you don’t know how she’ll react either…. Because (sorry to be so blunt) you don’t know her.
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As an adopted child, LEAVE HER ALONE… knowing that she’s alive and well should be enough, she obviously has an amazing family, it just messed with my head when my biological mother found me
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Leave her be she has a family now don’t mess things up for her
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Talk to the parents first and see if they would be ok with it. Then ask if you can meet her. If all she knew growing up was her adopted parents you don’t wanna freak her out or anything
Adoptive mom first. Make sure this child knows she was adopted you could be stirring up a can of worms for this young lady. Let her come to you.
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Does she even know she was adopted? If not… you’re going to drop a major 
on her, that could ultimately affect her whole life. I would tread lightly with this.
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Contact her parents first. Her Mom and Dad may not have told her she was adopted. It is not right for you to go in and completely rock her world. Its not fair for the the parents or their daughter.
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So many questions, Does she know? Does she want to meet you?
Why are you wanting to? Could you meet her as a family friend for starters if its just you wanting to make sure she is ok ? Could you maybe start with letter telling her why you gave her up to give her time to think? So hard to answer follow your heart for her best interest.
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Being an adoption worker, you should actually contact the adoption agency you worked with and they would then help coordinate everything. Your agency should offer post adoption services in which they help facilitate connections of birth parents to biological children and biological children to their birth parents! Feel free to reach out if you have specific questions! Happy to help
Please be kind. Don’t message her . Please talk to her adoptive mother first. You can cause a lot of heartache if you do not know what or if she knows. Just please be kind. The mother was kind to you show the same respect.
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I would speak with her adoptive parents first. If it was an open adoption they have probably told her about it, but shes only really known a life with them. I know you want to connect with her and i totally understand that. Just talk to them and then let your daughter decide and just take it slowly as hard as it might be. Im sure it will all work out 
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In my opinion you should leave her alone, if she wants to contact you then she will, she is 18 now and can do so, you seen pictures, you see she is doing well, just leave it at that. Again if she wants to contact you she will, she has finished high school, she may be going to college and you stepping might or might not cause problems, leave it up to her.
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Start with the adoptive parents
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I would contact the adoptive mom first to simply ask how she feels (the daughter) or how she would feel if you did reach out. There are SO MANY comments saying she won’t wanna know you, but every single person is different and having worked for an adoption agency EVERYONE FEELS DIFFERENTLY ABOUT THIS TOO! Just because some Joe Schmoe on here didn’t wanna meet their birth parents, doesn’t mean your bio daughter doesn’t. She very well could, I’ve met numerous adopted children who were ALWAYS curious about their birth mom and would have loved to be contacted, they get it and they APPRECIATE that you were strong enough to give them the life they deserve. Don’t give up & don’t let these comments push you away from the idea, I would do it but contact the mom first if you do.
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She will contact you when she is ready. Send your information to the adoptive parents and tell them if she ever wants to contact you that you would be open to it. But let her do it when she is ready. You will only rock her world if she is not ready.
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As a mother who has placed a child, I also have an open adoption, the adoptive family is supposed to let the child know they are adopted. My case seems very different as I get a letter and pictures every 6 months and I get to FaceTime him as often as he likes. I talk to him and his family almost on a weekly basis. They are very kind to me and my other children and treat us as a part of their family. With that being said… I feel you definitely have a right to get to know her especially since she of age or at least give her the option to get to know you. Reach out to the mother and let her know you’d like to reach out to your daughter. Have an adult conversation with her and see where that leads. Let her get to know you a little and help her feel comfortable with you as well. It’s a hard situation for all parties involved.
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Definitely contact her parents first. They nah not have ever told her she’s adopted
I’d suggest talking to a therapist and working out your own feelings and expectations.
Before you do anything
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You cannot do that to them, ask the mother first! Regardless of the situation that baby is hers has been since the day the papers were signed be respectful about it and if mom says no then do not contact her
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Stitch her tiktok lol joke reach out you never know.
As the Mother of an adopted child YES, reach out to the MOM first. There are so many reasons that they may or may not want you in their lives. Ultimately I know it’s up to the child at 18 or older but please out of respect reach out to the Mom first.
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I don’t mean to be harsh Giving her up was probably the hardest thing you ever did. Please don’t disrupt her life if she’s happy. Before reaching out to her contact her adoptive mum first. She has every right to agree or disagree to you meeting the daughter you gave up coz you don’t even know if she knows that she was given up. Please let her be if shes. happy.
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Reach out to mom first
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I would talk to adoptive parents and ask them to speak with your daughter and see how she would feel about meeting. Also of course get the opinion of the adoptive parents. I would leave your contact info with mom and let things happen from there. Offer to meet them in a public setting for a lunch or something.
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Talk to her adoptive mom first only right and Fair.
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Reach out to the Mother first!!
Id message the mother 1st
Get her feed back
You dont know their situation or if she knows about you…
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I would reach out to the birth parents first. The daughter may not even know that she is adopted. I assume that you gave her up for adoption for good reason, but again, she may not know that she’s adopted. Reaching out to her directly may cause a lot of issues. If you’re adamant about contacting her, I would start with her parents. Send mom a message on Facebook, give her your contact information and let her pass it along to her daughter. Maybe send a message to mom that’s intended for the daughter, explaining everything and why you gave her up. Leave it up to her if she wants to contact you.
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I would reach out to both of them and let them both know you are looking for her
I would let it be, if she wants to find you she will.
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Contact the adoptive parents and see how the girl feels about it I met my biological mother as a surprise and I almost fainted and I was so angry I never forgave her or the other adults in my life for the whole fiasco I ended up never having a relationship with her and she died last year
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I would ask the mom.
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Respect the women that has raised her for the past 18 years and talk to her first
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She nay not know she is adopted. You need to respect her parents who have taken care of and raised her since birth despite how old she is now.
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It was suppose to be an open adoption. That means bio mom could be in her life as well. I think the parents had a chance you respected their wishes and stayed away. Now your daughter is an adult, you should be able to have a relationship with her. I say give the mom 1 more chance to be involved, if she doesn’t cooperate reach out to your daughter. Your feelings matter too!
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Message the daughter. I found my mom when i was 13. Just have your life together before you do please. It was very damaging for me because my mom didn’t have her life together.
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Talk to the mom first incase the child doesn’t know she is adopted
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Talk to the mom first. She knows her and how she might react. You don’t.
Contact the mother first. She’s raised her. From one mom to another explain what you want. I’m not sure what you want or expect out if it but at least contact the mom first.
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Contact the mom, send your info for her daughter to do with what she pleases.
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The adoption was OPEN. That is what you agreed to, as well as the ‘parents’.
Id reach out to the mom out of respect, but at the end of the day- reach out to your child too. Be understanding and don’t have too many expectations, she is an adult now by definition, and has choices too
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Do it 
my mom put my sister up for adoption and she found my sister when she turned 18 and I met my sister at 13-14 years old that was over a decade ago and we talk and we all get together our children are close:heart: do it everyone in this comment section is uptight you can tell no one has ever dealt with adoption first hand. SMH leave her alone really most adopted kids want to meet their birth parents and find out where they come from
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Contact the mom first but If she tries to keep you from her then message the daughter! But just to show the respect you have for her taking care of her for the last 18 years which is a long time I’d reach out to the mom first and make sure u thank her and show her ur not going to just step on her!
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She is of legal age! Therefore, you do not have to ask her mother/parents.
Just know whatever you choose to do could backfire on you
Be prepared for anything
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Reach out to parents first out of respect then if that don’t work reach out to her Personally an remember both of you are going to be going Through a lot of emotions I Met my daughter that I gave. Up for adoption an I’m so happy I did
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I’d contact mom first
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Def contact the mom. If you go straight to the daughter it could cause some serious issues. The mom raised her and gave her her life.
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I was adopted. So let me tell you, out of respect for that family, try reaching out to mom. Tell her you would like to meet the child you gave birth to. But it is important for the emotional well being off her, to find out if she even knows she’s adopted. If not- be gentle in how you do this. It could destroy that girl.
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Reach out to mom first, in case she isn’t aware she was adopted.
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Reach out to the mom out of respect BUT it’s your child and was an open adoption. So after contacting the parents, even if they don’t agree, I’d still contact your child
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I would talk to her parents first. They will be able to guide you on how to proceed next. Maybe she has shared with them that she really wishes she was able to meet you and know more about your story and where she came from. There’s also a chance she shows no interest and has verbalized she doesn’t want that. Nobody knows her better than her parents so I think it’s important to offer the opportunity at least. Even if right now that’s not what she wants, maybe offering contact info to her parents in case she ever does feel like it’s important to her and expresses that to her parents, that may be a really nice thing to do. Some people never want to meet their birth parents and some find it really important to understanding who they are, offering the opportunity either way to her parents is a really great thing for you to do as her birth mom 
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This might be sparkles and rainbows for you but what about the daughter are her feelings just cancelled out? At this time it wouldn’t be about you, it would be about her. She might not accept you?
If she is 18 I would try n find her, but don’t say u are her bio mom until u talk to the mom first
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Contact the adopted mom first and talk to her letting her know that you were going to be contacting the girl to talk to her.
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Message the mom first.
If it was an open adoption, the adoptive parents are suppose to inform the child they are adopted. If they didn’t thats on them. I do appreciate and agree with respecting the parents that raised her, however, as an adult, people don’t reach out to other adults parents befor having a conversation… the daughter may feel that she was not given the opportunity and who knows may feel its not upto the adoptive parents as she is now 18 and an adult. I wiuld like to think the adoptive parents will talk to the girl but what if they are selfish after all these years and dont… 
in the big scheme of things out of respect speak to them, but know it could go either way simply because of them and never actually anything to do with the child. Its the reality wether anyone here wants to admit it or not…
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I would reach out to her mom first. That way you can find out if your daughter knows she’s adopted and if she is open to meeting you.
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It was agreed to be an open adoption by both you and the adoptive parents, a legal agreement, with the agency as a contact point. I have some knowledge of open adoptions and usually that includes keeping you updated on the childs life. I am surprised by the adoptive parents not keeping you updated, which in my opinion is a violation of the original agreement. I’m not suggesting legal action, just pointing out a fact. I would contact the mom first, out of respect, to find out if the child knows she is adopted and mention the original adoption agreement and you have wanted to know about your daughter as she was growing up but, you had not wanted to intrude on their family life at the time but want to meet with her now and you plan on contacting your daughter. If the adoptive mom doesn’t respond, then I would contact your daughter. This way the adoptive mom knows your intentions and, if the girl doesn’t know she’s adopted, gives the mom a chance to respond or tell the girl she is adopted if she doesn’t know. Hope this makes sense, good luck.
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100% reach out to the mom.
Definitely reach out to the mom, she may not have told her she was adopted and you don’t want to drop that bomb on your birth daughter.
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As a child who was adopted at 6, contact the mother first. Let her ask her daughter how she will feel about speaking to you. Also you need to respect that you gave her away & maybe her mother hasnt even told her she’s adopted? Its complicated but I wiuld ask the parents first. Dont jump into her life without warning or consent.
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Omg plz don’t traumatized her, you don’t know what she knows. Reach out to her mom first. I had a friend whose bio parents busted up on her out of the blue and it wrecked her mental health for a long time!!! Plz if u do it right yall will have a great life together in the right time.
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I know your coming here for people’s opinion…
My opinion is do not get in contact with her.You actually gave her away when you were 18.I can’t understand how someone would want to give up their child,only to try and ruin their life with popping back in? I mean, you GAVE her away, no matter what your reason WAS. Leave her alone. Go read a book or something. She will contact YOU if she wants sometime in the future.Let HER be the one to try an contact you.Maybe in the future she’ll want to get a DNA test and then maybe contact you. Until then…leave it alone.
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What nasty pieces of work for Not sending photo’s/ updates…even to the agency to be kept on file!
I would contact the Amom (without telling them you Have the info)
And ask what daughter knows of her adoption.
Based on her response… go from there.
(Don’t spook them so they lock everything!)
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As a mother who placed my child for an open adoption I would honestly say contact the adoptive parents first and go from there you don’t want that child traumatized maybe they haven’t told her yet I’m just lucky because the people I picked for my daughter told her in so many words so she would understand best of luck to you!!!
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You gave away your rights as a mom. She has a mom that raised her. It’s a matter of respect. And you have no idea what she’s been told about you. Reaching out to the daughter first is throwing shade at the woman that raised her.
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Reach out to Mom first. In agreement with everyone saying it’s a matter of respect, as well as it’s possible she doesn’t know she’s adopted, there’s another factor I think of here. It’s possible that even if she knows she’s adopted, she doesn’t want to meet you or isn’t ready. You made a difficult choice to allow someone else to raise her, so to ask you to sacrifice further seems cruel, but the fact of the matter is that you gave up the opportunity to be her mother figure, so now whether you have a relationship or not should be up to her. Adoption involves complicated feelings on all sides, and hers should be considered, as well.
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Leave good enough alone . You made you choice 18 years ago
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I would reach out to the mom first. I say this because what if the daughter doesn’t know she’s adopted. You might just open a box that could really cause a lot of pain and hurt. I understand you want to meet her but your first concern should be for her well being first
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Do NOT just reach out to the child. Reach out to the parents first. No matter the reason, you gave her up. So you have no rights to just barge into their lives. Your first step is to discuss this with the parents and see if she even knows she’s adopted. Then you see if SHE even has any interest in meeting you.
In the end, you were just the life giver. That other woman is her mother, and you have to respect her. She gave your child a life that you couldnt. Dont disrespect any of that and overstep boundaries.
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I would talk with the mother first…then if allowed come in as an acquaintance and share the whole story on the belief the daughter knows the whole story…and just accept that the daughter may want nothing to do with you but she does deserve the chance and to ask the questions she probably has no answers for…you will never have a relationship of mother daughter but maybe as friends with distance
They were kind enough to send recent picture and email once they got the request. Understand that that’s all they may be willing to do. If you do go through with more contact, yes please go through her parents. You have no idea if she is even aware she is adopted. And if she does know, she hasn’t reached out to you yet. It may not be something she wants or is ready for you to be in contact.
I wouldn’t do either, I’d leave it alone.
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Well…it could go either way…you must prepare yourself…msg her mum first…
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Leave it be until she reached out to you IF she ever wants to!! She has a mom don’t go wrecking her mental health over this
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Definitely reach out to her mother first…
Message and talk to the other mom first.
Leave it alone. You made your decision 18 years ago. She is not your child , she is theirs. Stay in your lane and move on.
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Be respectful and message mom first. I wouldn’t ask but i would politely tell that you would like to get in touch with your birth child but out of respect you were making her aware as she’s her mom.
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She may not even know she’s adopted. Contact her mom first
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Her adopted mother first.
Contact adoptive mom first.
Ask An Adoptee
And
Adoption: Facing Realities
Would be better places to ask this question
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Contact the adoptive mother … Send a picture of yourself and a short letter of your situation 18 years ago. Ask her IF her daughter would like to meet YOU and give her all your contact information and see what happens. That way the parent and child can discuss it and the child can make an informed decision .about meeting you or NOT.
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🤦 let the child find you if there is any contact ever.
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As someone who was adopted don’t listen to those saying not to contact her. Yes she may not want to know you but she might.
As for of you should go through adopted parents or not that is up to you. She is 18 so legally you could just contact her.
But it would be respectful to at least let mom know first you want to contact daughter.
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To everyone telling her to leave it alone, I pray you never have to go through an adoption process of giving your baby up.
To the poster, I am currently going through the same situation. Adoption agency is no longer around and now I have no way of finding anything out. Was an open adoption and I never received anything. So I know exactly how you feel. 
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You gave her up for adoption and she went to a family that she knows as mom and dad. For you to just step in and say I’m your biological mother is disrespectful to the woman that raised her. She may not even know who you are and that’s not up to you to tell her, the ones that raised her need to have that conversation with her before you. Show the family respect and talk to them before anything.
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As an adoptee, contact the mom and leave your information, tell her that if the child ever wants to contact you then you would love that, also put your information in the agencies that deal with this stuff, I would not contact the child directly, you might push them away, they may not want to know you or they might not be ready to talk yet. One of my very good friends is also adopted and she just reached out to her birth family at 31 years old. I want nothing to do with my birth family, but my situation was different as I was removed from my home, I have only contacted for medical records.
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