I was hoping some input would help me on what to do next…

I’ve been with my husband almost 10 years and married for 7. We go through our spurts of being intimate a lot and then nothing for 2 weeks or so. Usually it doesn’t go longer than that. My husband seems fine if it’s just us, but sometimes I need more. I’ve bought toys, used porn with him etc. He seems to enjoy it but also slightly uncomfortable. I’m the opposite. Whenever something else is involved is always me bringing it up or taking it out. He never brings up anything and it’s almost boring and makes me feel weird, like I’m into other things and he’s not. I’ve told him this but he has no answers and still it’s always me trying to spice things up. I try to be open with him on what I like but when I ask him it’s almost like pulling teeth to find out and I never get straight answers. For example I tell him what I like to watch but when I ask him

he blows it off and doesn’t answer. It’s almost boring to me but then I also think maybe he’s into things I may not like or he may not be comfortable sharing. I really don’t know. But things are getting boring and I’m so tired of trying and coming up with things etc.
Anyone else experience this and what did you do to help the situation? Should I be worried about anything? I would think most men are the ones that would be more open.

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Honestly he sounds a little lazy. Why do anything extra when he can get off without it? For many women we can experience orgasm by penetration only and sometimes it takes longer penetration then what can be expected of any man.
Probably the first 10 years of my marriage where the typical sex that felt good but not enough to orgasm.
My husband was honestly unaware and I didn’t know either.
He introduced toys and I was game especially after I realized I was missing out. He sees it as a personal challenge to please me no matter how long it takes. It makes me feel good and worthy. Now do we do this everytime … no! Honestly I am good doing this 1 out of 3 times. If you are needing the toys every time that cam be a bit much.
Some men may not be comfortable with it but I think it it pleases you, he should be able to compromise.
Good luck!

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I was hoping some input would help me on what to do next…

It’s possible he’s 100% satisfied with your sex life and doesn’t feel like it needs to be spiced up. He may be one of the rare ones who doesn’t like to watch porn, or maybe he doesn’t like to mix his fantasy with his wife. I know when my H was watching porn, he did NOT want to mix the two because I “ruined his fantasy”. Ouch. He wanted his fantasy life to be 100% separate from me. But he’s also a porn addict so I’m sure he isn’t the norm.

Some men feel inadequate when toys, porn come in to play…like they arent good enough…just like some women feel the same way if their men look at porn. Maybe you are truly all he needs/wants. Maybe try writing letters to each other so ur not face to face, sometimes that can help.

It could be an immasculating thing for him. My husband was raised very Christian, so sex or anything related to it was taboo and he didn’t learn anything until me. So, he doesn’t like the idea of toys, lingerie, or porn bonding. He feels like as a man, it’s his job to just be enough and if he doesn’t feel like he’s enough it’s a shot at his ego/manhood. So, for your husband it might be something similar

Maybe he was raised like I was. Sex isn’t something that was talked about. Often times more of a taboo. Some view sex as pleasure and want to explore and bring in toys. Others view sex as a marital duty. Others view as sex only for procreation. Not everyone has the same sexual preferences.

Maybe your husband doesn’t have much of an imagination. Maybe if you want this relationship to work maybe you have to get used to taking the lead in the bedroom and telling him exactly what you want. Maybe he hasn’t explored enough to have a solid opinion on what he likes. Try coming from a more compassionate angle instead of you’re bored and he’s not doing enough. Take his hand and explore it all together! Make it fun instead of a chore.

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Turn on friends, the episode with Princess Leia, see what happens. He may get comfortable talking about it.

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Maybe he’s just comfortable how things are without the bells and whistles so to speak.Some men don’t care for that stuff maybe he’s just one of those simple men

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Peg him. Its what he wants but is afraid to ask for.

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Yea my husband is also fairly vanilla and it annoys me to! I’m a total B word if I dont have sex atleast once a week so he just knows not to go past that mark and also try some foreplay?

Sounds like he’s comfortable with a normal sex life and no extras, just sweet intimacy

Maybe he just like plain and simple lovemaking and you make them feel inadequate with toys

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Maybe he hasn’t had experiences with other things so he doesn’t know what he likes

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Has it always been like this ? If so then I’m not sure why you got married if sexually it’s not enough for you?

I know that is coming off the wrong way don’t mean to sound like an asshole just genuinely curious

Maybe your husband is just “boring”

If he’s not sexually pleasing your appetite then talk about bringing other people involved or having an open marriage no other relationships but just for sexual satisfaction ?

Not every man is into porn and toys. He doesn’t turn you down when you bring the toys in even though it maybe makes him uncomfortable. Which means he’s doing it for you. So keep trying to spice it up but maybe sometimes also please him and do regular vanilla stuff. Can’t force someone to be into the things you’re into.

Theres a huge difference between being in an intimate relationship and being an occasional receptical for him, but if you arent gonna go mid-evil on him to light a spark and are going to settle for being a “chore” for him to perform then at least try and pick the order, you want to be after he mows the lawn but definately before he takes out the garbage or picks up the dog poop

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First off, you need to own it. Be free in your sexuality. I understand a lot of women arent, but I don’t get it…could be my religious belief but seriously embrace it! It took me a minute to get my husband outta his shell too tbh, but once I did holy f*ck has it been amazing. Like seeing stars amazing! But I’m also very open about everything. So start with yourself. Once completely honest & open, then try with him. Happy adventures doll :kissing_heart:

Maybe you just have a man that believes it should just be him and his wife. Love making.
I’d be a bit worried about why you are bored.

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You’re probably scaring him off! If you’ve been together that long sometimes life and work get in the way. Another thought is that some avoid menstruation and ovulation so this would fit that pattern.

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Maybe he feels like he’s not good enough since you’re telling him he’s boring and you need to add more in the bedroom to stay interested… I know it’s normal for people to want to keep things interesting but the male ego is fragile and he may just be feeling inadequate. Reassure him

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Maybe he just likes it normal. Nothing wrong with that . Sometimes 2 ppl can fall in love and be happy together. But how they like to get off is different. Some ppl need everything the kitchen sink . Some just like to kiss and touch and make love to their partner. Some ppl don’t wanna…“spice it up,”
Good luck

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I had to double check to make sure I didn’t send in this question. This is EXACTLY how my marriage is as well. Thanks for asking so now I will be reading every single comment.

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In any relationship there’s one dominant one, leader, outspoken, creative, etc. Maybe he just not sure what he likes or maybe Just maybe…
You’re More to than enough for him. I’m more like your husband. I’m speaking From my point of view

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Vanilla. That’s my man. Sadly, it does not change. It’s just who he is/ isn’t Basically, just accept it for what it is.

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What kind of family was he reared in? Maybe his home was very private and didn’t talk about sex were maybe you were reared to be more open. Try just doing different things without talking about it first. I’m sure he’ll let you know if he doesn’t like it

My bf is the same way…won’t explore Says food doesn’t belong in sex…lol always has to have curtains closed door locked…I just accepted it though it’s frustrating I don’t want to be with anyone else!

This comment is for the person who posted and everyone else…go follow @vanessamarintherapy on Instagram if you’re not already!! Seriously life changing.

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Ask him what turns him off? I bet he feels insecure that your toys are better than him…male ego. Go slowly. Get small, unintimidating toys. Don’t talk about it, just pull it out midway through and then be an actress and tell him how much he is turning you on ect ect. Soon he will be pulling them out to make you say those things about him again. Good luck.

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Eeeeewww. These comments are not it. There is nothing wrong with you enjoying toys or wanting to spice things up!! I’d be bored too.

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Talk to him when you aren’t in the middle of messing around. Sit him down and tell him you need him to talk to you about this and promise not to judge anything he says & ask him to do the same. Then talk to him and find something that works for both of you.

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Bring another woman into the bedroom. I bet he’d like that…

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Y’all been together for that long and you knew all this before marriage, so why even married him? I know sex isn’t It the only issue in a relationship BUT it’s a huge part in a committed relationship. You are not sexually compatible with him. Maybe the flame is off, y’all been together for over 10 years that he doesn’t have the needs to do extra work. Men don’t think like us. Hopefully you don’t have to go outside the marriage to fulfill your needs. Be wise.

I had so much fun with my husband we didn’t need any toys he was my toy

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We’re always telling women they shouldn’t do anything they’re not comfortable with. That they shouldn’t feel pressured to perform
Seems to me the same should apply to men.
He doesn’t want to talk about his feelings or play with toys…he wants to make love to his wife. He wants to be enough and you’re telling him he’s not. Bound to be a turn off

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Sounds like you need to leave the toys for just you when your by yourself. Seems like he doesn’t think you think he’s enough

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Sometimes watching porn really increases that fantasy and makes sex boring. Maybe don’t watch porn… it could be really effecting your relationship instead of just picking the guy as the problem.

Me and my husband have our sex life like a light switch. It’s on sometimes and off sometimes. I came to accept it that his diabetes plays a big part of him not able to get hard. So we still kiss and hold each other. If your relationship is based on sex and then the sex is not happening you don’t have anything. Accept the small stuff. It means more.

Another thought is, how religious are you? Sometimes very religious men get very uncomfortable. But sometimes people are just more vanilla. I understand needing things, (I dont) but I have friends that do. I think maybe you need to pick and choose when you bring stuff in maybe? Sometimes try to just be very giving to his needs, and other times mention spicing it up. Its a mental thing sometimes for men too!

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I feel bad for all y’all in this thread only having vanilla sex. Bless y’all’s heart.:joy::metal:t3:

If. Is. Swinger’s. I. Would. Not. Like. This. Maybe. He. Thinks. You. Think. He. Isn’t. Enuff

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My hubby is pretty vanilla and I respect that. We have had some honest open conversations and we have tried to meet in the middle on some stuff to try and make me happy to add some things into our sex life but nothing that would make him uncomfortable. My best advice is to just talk to him but don’t pressure him or make him feel bad about himself.

How about you tone down a little. Stop trying to hard and let love lead. Not everyone has the same energy as u do and sometimes simple is fine.

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One word girl : lingerie :fire: :kissing_heart:

Some people just aren’t that into the sex :woman_shrugging: he probably values a different type of contact

I’m not sure a public forum like FB where everyone can see your business is really the way to go. Better to talk privately to a close friend for advice!

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You’ve been together long enough to just talk about it. Flat out ask him. Most men don’t do the hinting thing very well, so communicate. He may be afraid of how you’ll perceive what he likes or he might just be a Vanilla. Maybe start the conversation off by telling him you won’t judge him since he’s accepting of all of the things you’ve brought in to spice things up. Communication is key to any relationship issue, sex included.

I am similar to hubs it’s just difference in people. It’d be awesome if he could communicate that to you though.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I was hoping some input would help me on what to do next…

Is he on any medication like for anxiety or bipolar disorder or depression cause if he is that might be the reason these are some strong meds that mess with your sex life

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Some people don’t like porn, it makes them uncomfortable. Even men, especially if he feels like he isn’t doing good enough for you, maybe you’re making him feel not good enough.

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Men aren’t used to freaky women as wives. He may feel he would be disrespectful to you if he carried out his fantasies. I am very freaky and finding the same in a partner is difficult. Men will get freaky with a one night stand but boring with the wife….I don’t understand that lol.

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He just maybe uncomfortable with all that

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The day will come when sex is not possible & all you will have is your voices- sex is a bonus part of life and gets (uhemm) harder to focus and perform for many, enjoy what ya have, take care of your needs & be thankful you have each other :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Maybe he likes you being the aggressor

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When do you have you conversations? During intimacy just after or before. Communication is key… I find if we have tried something spicey talking about it next day works better. I will open the conversation with thank you for last night, my favorite part was…and then ask him if he liked it. Just my thought talk about it when it is not a command preformance

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Perhaps you need to see a sex therapist? Why would you marry someone, much less stay with them when you believe he is “boring” or “vanilla?” That is an unfair amount of stress to put on someone YOU chose to stay a decade with. Clearly you have major differences that are important to YOU. That is on you, since you have approached him and he’s unwilling and uncomfortable. Respect his feelings just as if the tables were turned. Especially since you knew this 3 years before marrying him. Seek some help and perhaps they will advise you to leave or give you other ways to approach this? However, after this many years… And he still doesn’t like any of that stuff…YOU will have to make some hard decisions. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship. If you feel it is most important -you really need to seek out a good therapist who can help you figure some things out. They truly can help!

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It could be that he’s feeling insecure. Maybe he feels like as your man he must not be doing something right so he blows it off. Maybe reassure him, build his confidence up and let him know that he’s enough but he makes you feel so comfortable that you wanna try these new things.

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It’s the exact opposite in my marriage. For me it’s a low self confidence issue and being worried that I can’t preform as well as the other people on porn so he’s not going to realize that I’m not “up to par”. Maybe he’s just not confident in himself?

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Maybe he feels like that is a trap question and doesn’t want it to come back to haunt him🤷🏻‍♀️

This is marriage. Ebbs and flows. Porn makes alot of people uncomfortable, like me. Sex toys may make him feel inadequate.

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Yep. Im so sorry. This is frustrating. My husband can go weeks, months without touching me. I have tried talking, explaining, getting mad. It sucks, by now I have given up. So, it is what it is.

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My question is were u always like this…or have u been having sum fun unknowing to ur husband an then want to try new things with him…

Write down fantasy’s and put them in a jar so you read each other’s … you might be right and he might like stuff that might be weird to you . Tell him what you like in bed

Following for the comments as I too have this exact question… My husband is never the one to start anything its always whatever I want to do and whenever I want us to do it. I don’t know if just hates being in control or if he’s uncomfortable. But in the end it makes me feel uncomfortable .

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I was hoping some input would help me on what to do next…

Following as I am in a similar situation

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I think you should sit and explain your feelings and be honest about it being boring and you want to spice it up. Tell him to pic things to try that interest him. Send him sexy photos of things you would like to try.
I can’t say things always work but you might find something that works for both of you.
I very much understand where
Your coming from. It’s worth a try. Good luck

He should be comfortable sharing and answering questions after that many years. If he won’t budge, maybe couples counseling?

I feel ya, my sex life is boring as hell, but I love him and just deal with it :roll_eyes:

Just because your comfortable and into those things doesn’t mean he is. He might just be happy and content with things the way they are. If he’s not into the things you are then please yourself and share those intimate moments with your husband.

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Follow Vanessa and Xander Marin on Instagram @vanessamarintherapy

I went through this same thing with my husband. Honestly I think it is because men reach their sexual peak in their 20s and woman usually reach their sexual peak on their 30s or 40s. I tried talking to him about it for years. He was very vanilla in the bedroom and I just wasn’t satisfied with our sex life. It became more of a chore. It took for me to be very blunt with him about it. I told him that I wanted to remain intimate with him and I loved him but I just found no satisfaction in the bedroom. He also was very worried about tainting me with kinky sex. He was worried that what he was into would scare me and I would think different of him. I talked to him about my dirtiest kinky and let him know I was very serious about it. We don’t have sex as often as we did in our 20s because things seem to get in the way (kids, work, and just plain being tired), but it I much more satisfying. That open communication has honestly made our sex life better than it has ever been. Try being blunt about home much it honestly bothers you. Good luck.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I was hoping some input would help me on what to do next…

Some people like different things and if he hasn’t engaged in them with you in 10 years I don’t think you are going to change him now. You need to accept that you guys are not on the same level in that department.

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Did u not talk bout this before u were married.?

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I think you’re reading too much into it. He’s not shutting you down with what you like and trying those things. If he’s not into it himself he’s not going to bring it up. Some men believe it or not are okay with just your body. So I guess talk to him and ask him if it’s okay to use those things. Intimacy is all about consent both ways. It seems like you’re being a little selfish thinking about yourself.

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Go to marriage counseling and don’t just go 1, 3, or 5 times… go every 1-2 weeks for 6-12 months. It takes time! But works :heart: also it’s important to find a therapist you both work well with.

People’s kinks can be really different. But he should at least give enough shits to do it for you or compromise to something along those lines where he’s not compromising his morals or whatever his deal is, and you can still be satisfied. But that goes both ways. Then you’ve gotta be ready if that shit gives him confidence and you unleash some kind of beast. Just sayin. Watch your back. Open Pandora’s Box, gotta be able to catch the mess that comes out. Good luck.

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Just ask him if it bothers him that you like that stuff. If he doesn’t say anything negative then just keep doing your own spice ups and accept him for who he is.

Some people are just vanilla. Some people don’t like to experiment at all be happy you have a partner willing to do the things you want when you ask for them. Other than that maybe you guys are just not sexually compatible.

Ugh I hate that there are so many women on here telling you to just accept a boring sex life for the rest of your life. If the genders were reversed I almost guarantee they would be telling you to be more open minded to fulfill your husbands needs. Even if you did talk to him about it before marriage that was 7 years ago, and just like everything else your sex needs do change over time… and that is OK. I would be completely opened with him, and tell him that your needs have changed. Ask him what he is willing to do differently, maybe some sexy texts during the day letting him know you miss him and your thinking about pleasing him. Maybe some more dates where you wear something that you know will trigger that desire in him, the lightest touches. If he is closed off it’s important you don’t come on him to strong, but subtle touches and comments or a deep passionate kiss before he goes to work. Just keep trying, don’t settle for a Boring sex life. If all else fails see if he will be opened to going to a sex therapist with you so you can find a happy middle. Good luck to you!

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Not everyone enjoys “kink.” If it makes him uncomfortable, then pushing him to do it could lead to more problems. I would either talk with him about it and see what he’s willing to try or find another solution. There needs to be compromise or neither one of you will be happy.

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Man!! People are just so different. THAT is kind of what’s exciting. A lady once told me “We are made of every single thing we have ever been thru in life. Every experience”. It could be that he isn’t comfy with “intimacy” (like bashful). That maybe he likes the things u introduce but not comfortable talking about it. Just try to understand that he is 100% about just YOU. KEEP introducing new things and be happy that he isn’t the one that’s “bored” u know? That would be disastrous. Apparently he’s not opposed Praying for you

I think you should just respect that he’s not into that like you are !! I’m sure he respects that You’re different in other ways !! A relationship is not only about sex it is much more than that and if he is good in everything else and meets you half way then you should be fulfilled !!

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Usually it’s the opposite lmao. I know it is for me.

Marriage isn’t just about sex. If it’s that important to you, you need to talk to your husband. Talking about things is so important and obviously it’s bothering you more than it does him so he isn’t going to know your bothered if you don’t tell him. Some people are not into porn or toys etc. It may make you happy but him uncomfortable

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Not every one has the same sex drive, most men just want to come and get it done

Play swapsees with the prude lady from yesterday who’s unpleased by all the D her husband wants to give her

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I went through this with my husband and it unfortunately takes a lot of communication on both ends. You have to find a way to make him understand that you love him but sometimes it takes a little more to finish without being overbearing or condescending. And he has to start opening up. You can start by simple questions to get the conversation going, like “do you like when I do ….?” And always give him compliments when he’s doing something good. “I really like when you…” “it feels really good when you…” etc. I would personally stop the porn around him though, he may not like the idea of looking at another women right in front of you or you looking at another man. If anything, you can try to make your own if you’re both comfortable with it. Asking him a broad question like “what do you like?” Probably isn’t going to get him to open up, he may be worried you’ll judge so try to create a very open minded environment in the bedroom and he will get there. Good luck!

That sounds like a pretty healthy time frame to me. I have more questions about you being bored. :thinking:

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Start buying lingere.

Maybe it makes him feel inadequate ?
Have you thought about that?
If he can’t satisfy his wife. Well, that’s a kick in the balls for most men, isn’t it?
Probably depresses the poor man. It can’t be a nice feeling knowing you can’t get your wife off and she needs more.

Girl, you are not the problem and to these people telling you “tone it down” or “leave the toys to yourself” have probably been getting it in missionary for 2 minutes for the better part of 20 years now. Sex is a big part of your relationship and I would suggest having a maybe uncomfortable conversation about it. Just get your feelings out about how you are feeling. Because if it’s bothering you it’s something that needs to be addressed for the health of your relationship. Do not tone your self down for any man. If you are too much tell him to go find less.

Why are you so hung up on the sex and how bored you are? Is there no other substance to your relationship or yourself, that you dwell so much on these things. Some people aren’t into the freaky stuff and they shouldn’t be shamed for it 🤷 . That rabbit hole :hole: messes with some peoples perception and where they should draw the line. Maybe YOU should take a step back and look at WHY you need so much to keep you satisfied.

He’s most probably overwhelmed by all your attempts at making him feel like he’s not enough for you!

Maybe you guys just arent into the same things and you cant make people like the same things you do and if you it makes him uncomfortable that not fair to push it if the shoes was on the other foot people wouldnt be saying the same thing he would be the bad guy you have the right to want to spice things up but you both should be comfortable with it

Maybe he just likes sex with you? Maybe he’s simple and it’s not boring for him - especially when you keep changing it up. Maybe he doesn’t say anything because he’s simple and is afraid of being seen as well “boring”. Some men are just happy to be involved. Some are happy if the woman is happy. I wouldn’t over think it and you’d definitely shouldn’t be exhausting yourself over ideas. Look into ways to make it more sensual than sexual.

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Some people are just vanilla which is okay!