I am seeking advice and anyone that can relate. I have two daughters that are somewhat estranged from me. I wasn’t the best Mother when they were growing up, but I have tried to make up for it for years. They are very disrespectful to me when they are around. One is an adult child, and the other chooses to live with her Dad. It’s been mentally and emotionally draining try to have relationship with them. Do I set boundaries and stop the Chase, live my life, or Continue to try? Please advise a trouble, Mother.
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Well, if you give up you’re not any better now than you were then. Maybe counseling so they can have a chance to express their feelings?
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I have a family member in the same situation. She has mental health issues that went untreated for decades and her kids really suffered. She’s got an older set of kids then the younger ones… The grown ones worry about the little kids. The big kids really grew up rough… I love my family member and I love the kids like my own, but the youngest of the older group is in foster care, soon to be 18 and choosing to change her name to her foster family’s. There’s really just a lot going on. I try to advise my family member but after a certain point I run out of words… Of course I never want her to stop trying with her older kids. But she has fragile mental health and I’m afraid she can’t take their constant abuse. It’s a really hard balance, a terrible situation. They’re like my siblings
I mean, as someone who has a horrible mother I can understand why they act that way. Its emotionally destroying to have a parent not be there like they should be. Dont give up, but you may need counseling with them to truly fix this. I cut my mother off due to her not changing her abusive ways. If you’ve changed, you’re going to have to really prove it to them that you’re not who you were while they were growing up.
ETA: I’m not saying you’re abusive, I dont know your situation. Just giving you my personal example. I hope you’re able to salvage the relationships.
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Imagine you’re in their shoes. It’s hard to forgive someone, especially a parent. You can not make up for the past, you can only try to move forward and try to be there now. Family counseling is my advice, if they chose to go. You have to look at it from their perspective. Not just your own.
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Sounds like you burnt that bridge.
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You sound like your my mother asking this question. My mother tried to be there but it got to a point where i would have rather her leave me alone than even try.
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Keep trying . At least ur trying. Dont be those moms that abandon their babies . Keep trying 
My mom wasn’t the best mom and we didn’t reconnect until I was 18. I basically told her how I felt and she listened and respected me. She took credit for what she had done. Now we have good relationship
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Depends on how badly you want a relationship with them. And what happened to make them grow distant. My mom was awful to me growing up. She missed out on a lot of things and I never grew a bond with her. I want very little to do with her because of how toxic she became and I realize that I am not in her best interest. Are you toxic to your children? Is there a good reason that they don’t want anything to do with you?
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Your the parent and you made the relationship what it is…so your not happy with how they treat you . I’m sure they have been hurt and dont expect you to stay so why bother being nice. You really should keep trying and try family counseling.
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Just set them down and tell them what you’ve told us. Ask them how you can fix this for them so you all can be happy together.
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as one who’s mother was a POS & a stepmother too. Saying you are sorry, does go a long way. And never lie to them…
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Dont stop Trying
You will regret it
Especially when they have their kids
Trust was broken
Focus on their Interest
If they r bitter and wish to never give u a chance
They are setting boundaries
U r a stranger
U dont have that bond and they think u will be flakey
It’s going to take yrs
Maybe 10 plus yrs to restore ur abandonment
They have lots of damage to be repaired
U set boundaries and say u dont need to be disrespected
If they need space that is fine
They still resent u
Ur presence makes them sad. How bout u research abandonment truma and that might help u understand them
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Depends, if you’re still a toxic person to them. Definitely stay away, they’re better off. I know I for one couldn’t “stop the chase and live my life” without my kids no matter their ages or the situation
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It’s been emotional draining for you? Poor baby. Imagine being a child and not understanding why you had such a terrible mother and wondering what was wrong with you.
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I feel like you reap what you sow. With that being said are you going to give up cause it’s hard or prove to your children that you want to be a better mom. But the truth is it’s up to your kids to decide if they want that relationship back. You may eventually get to the point where you tell them you are here for them but won’t keep pushing your way in if they don’t want you too.
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U can never make up for there lost time needed there mother just leave them a lone
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If you were a bad mother do you blame them really?
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As someone who had a shitty father who didn’t bother to try, I get where they’re coming from. However, my father never bothered to get in contact with me and he had children to another woman that I didn’t find out about until years later. You’re trying your best, keep doing that, if you want them involved and want to make up for it, then absolutely do it!
You cant ever give up. Remember whatever they are giving you, you most likely deserve. Talk them. Be honest. And whatever you do, keep trying
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It depends on how bad it is. Do they actually talk to you? If not let them be. You burned the bridge. If they do then keep trying but back off slightly
Make an effort to be there for everything they have going on. Maybe write them a letter so they know that you know you were wrong and what you’re feeling now
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Continue to reach out, but it is up to them what relationship you can have. They may have hurts you can’t heal. If they want a relationship you can have one but if they choose not to, then respect their choice. All you can do is make sure they know you’re there for them now if they need you.
Pray and maybe counceling or apologize for your screw ups you have to own it or it wouldnt bother you so after apologizing they still act the same you have to move on cant keep beating yourself up if they cant forgive you at least you can say you tried
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Have you apologized to them. If not start there. Express that you want a better relationship with them.
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I would have a one last talk. Let them know how you feel. At no point would I continue to be disrespected. The Past does not exist any more. We all make mistakes and at some point we have to turn around and move forward as adults. Maybe the younger isn’t mature enough to except this thing called life yet. She will when it hits her. No one is exempt for mistakes. We all can change. Don’t stay stuck. Move on. You can’t change them. God forgives. “But if we forgive not, neither will our heavenly father forgive us.”
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You should keep trying and keep doing good yourself show them you are there no matter how bad the situation stay in there lives.
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It means a lot to kids when we can admit and be accountable for our mistakes, and also let them know that you don’t intend to continue to suffer for the mistakes you may have made along the way…
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Try but don’t let it rule your life the one is grown and can make her choices I don’t no how old the other is but children don’t come with instructions and nobody is perfect except God quit beating yourself up over it
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Ive been there its complicated damage has been done .at this point you cant expect to love you as the saying goes you cant take a big withdrawal in an empty emotional bank account .it is what it is .just move on with your life and forgive yourself most of all maybe someday they will be mature enough to realize we are not perfect and we are human .humans are flawed
Apologize. That’s the main thing you can do.
I grew up with a mother who was there physically, but that was it. If she would apologize and admit her wrongs, we possibly could have a relationship. But, also every time we get close again, I just count down the days where something goes wrong.
Also, ask them what they want you to do. No matter what they say, respect it. But, still be there from a distance.
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Keep t trying no matter what and eventuality they will come around.
So you admit you were a bad parent and still think you deserve their respect? You lost that. Earn it back. Show them respect. One is an adult and the other doesn’t need to to parent her. You lost that role. Have you genuinely apologized? Are you really sorry? If not you need to evaluate yourself. Be supportive and loving mom, dont try to discipline the younger one or give the older one advice. That’s all you can do at this point.
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Have you apologized for their childhood and told them you want to rebuild your relationship with them?
I don’t mean to be rude but when mothers get older they seem to try to crawl back in their children’s lives when they were never really their for them when they were young, not saying this is you because I don’t know you but why do parents seem to think it’s OK then but didn’t care for them when they brought them into the world but now it has to be OK…
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“Wasn’t the best mother” can mean SO many things… can’t really advise with such little info…
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Just give them space- and give them yet another heart felt apology. You were supposed to be so much more for them and you failed. NOW all you can do is let them know how sorry you are for being less than they deserved- and hope they give you love on their own terms and give them space when you can tell thats what they need and when they need your support you ought to move moutains to give them that support.
Wow so many mean comments. I’m sure nothing anything you ladies say will compare to how she has already beaten herself up. We don’t have any details so nobody can really know. Maybe she was mentally ill, in an abusive relationship, possibly an addict who is now trying to make things right. None of us can judge especially if we haven’t lived it. I know I have made some decisions that were not my best ones as a mother. I try and do what is best but it not always is. I’m sure everyone of us has done stuff were not proud of. To the op I hope you can fix these relationships. Maybe counseling or sit down and explain to them what was going on then. Why you were not able to be the best mom at that time. Good luck.
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I feel sorry for your children. Seek counselling and stop trying to blame them for not wanting to have a relationship with you. You speak down about your children and play the victim in this short post, I can’t imagine what they most likely have been through. If you could elaborate on how you weren’t “the best mom”, then you will most likely get better advice. For now, give them space and stop trying to be the victim.
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Depends on what you did to be considered not the best mom you could sit down and have a heart to heart with them and lisen to them and their feelings they may not be ready to reconcile with you
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You might still have a chance with your younger child.
Seek family therapy sessions and invite your children.
Of course you have to set boundaries, but you have to understand people cross boundaries when they’re having heavy feelings. What you see as disrespect is probably what your adult child views as appropriate to say to you. From one adult to another. She’s probably being “disrespectful” because she’s hurt.
Remember that in your children’s eyes, you’re not the victim.
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Get help from a therapist. Going back and blaming the kids for your bad behavior is not a good way to approach it. Nor is forcing them to forgive you.
Saying sorry, that you were wrong and that they didn’t deserve this is a good way to approach this. Just keep telling them how you were in the wrong and you’d like to start rebuilding the trust you have lost.
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If you are really and truthfully wanting to make up to them sit down with them and listen to their hurt and pain. Acknowledge that you are hearing them. Let them know you can not make up or redo the past, but you can move forward and try and fix the relationship. Do not do a blanket, “I’m sorry you felt that way.” Apologize with I am truly sorry I…fill in the blank of what you did wrong. It shows them you truly are listening. Let them know you will make mistakes in the future, but you want them to call you out on them. You also need to understand they will not trust you at first. It needs to be rebuilt. It won’t be easy. It might be best to go see a counselor to help you all through it.
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To me don’t give up on them. But don’t take no disrespect either.
I have mostly raised my twin granddaughters and I see the resentment they have towards there mom, but you can’t force them to want a relationship with them and why would you be so frustrated you most have known you can’t just decide to be in there lives and have a good relationship, what you can do is try and build trust and work to let them know you are serious build trust take it one step at a time you let them down it’s there decision now.
Once you loose they’re trust as children .
It’ll be very hard to get the littlest of trust now . Good luck . I doubt they even want to try and they’ve felt so rejected from you for so long !
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Have you apologized and taken responsibility for what you have done? Have you actually said aloud to them the wrongs you made? Saying you weren’t the best mom can mean so many things, I can’t really provide advice. However, you said they are still disrespectful to you, perhaps you haven’t earned the right to be treated as their mom and perhaps you are not looking at it from their perspective. You can’t just “make up” a crappy childhood. My guess is you are doing something nice for them, they still don’t treat you the way you want and you throw it in their face? I would start by seeing a counselor to help you better understand you. Maybe then…you can better understand them and have better luck repairing the damaged relationship with your children. Good Luck! 
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Stop the chase and live you own life!
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Try growing up and never knowing what you did wrong to be deal the cards you were given, knowing that you were never good enough! You can’t mend a bond that doesn’t exist but you can try and work towards the future and not continue past events in hurting your children.
I can tell you now, you think this is ‘mentally and emotionally” draining on you?
Imagine how they feel because this has nothing on your self pity
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On terms of me being able to relate: my father left our family when I was 2 yo. (I’m 30 now) Really have no recollection or memories. But over the course of my life he has made (pathetic) attempts to be in my life…but to be totally honest I’m not interested. He wants a relationship with my kids and that’s a huge nope for me. So you have to be understanding where your daughters are coming from. They have learned to live without your toxicity. Would i recommend you stop trying? Absolutely not! They are hurt and disappointed and are prob using their anger as a shield towards you since you have hurt them in the past. But as for me, it is a personal choice to keep my distance.
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To be honest you’re lucky if they even want to talk to you. The fact that you weren’t there, means you probably abandoned your kids. Idk if this is true but it sounds that way and for what ever reason you did they probably won’t forgive you. This happened to my mother and she hates her biological mother. She loves the woman that was there and took care of her and she considered her to be her mother. You probably did a lot of damage to them and you’re upset because they are rude to you. Sorry but if my mom just left me I’d hate her too. A girl needs her mom more than you could know. And if you had your mom there just imagine what life would have been like without her. I bet you would have been lonely when you were looking for advice from her. Just saying it doesn’t matter how many times you apologize, changed actions mean more than words. And by the sounds of it they might just be better off without you because you caused enough damage.
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One. Apologize.
Two. Let them speak their peace without interrupting
Three. Family counseling
As someone that had a very bad relationship w my mother growing up, every time I try to tell her how much she hurt me - she has to jump in and tell me I’m making it up and I shouldn’t feel that way. She also refuses to allow someone outside of the family to mediate the situation. We will never have a real relationship and that destroys me every day.
Your kids are still alive - you still have time to fix it.
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Stay out of their lives. I wish mine would
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You may need to adjust what your expectations are, as a child of such a relationship, you may be reaching for something that isn’t there. That’s not to say you can’t have a relationship at all just odds are it’s not going to be the one you have in mind. You may need to settle for what they can emotionally give and at different times it may look differently. Go in with no expectations other than to say you’re sorry give them space while being present if that makes sense do not ask for more unless they are bringing it up. If you get to come to family functions great if you’re not invited accept that but don’t pressure for more it will cause more damage. Let it be their show to control. Boundaries are good as long as everyone is being accountable for past and present actions
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You need to be patient with them. You did damage that can’t be undone. When children are growing up that’s when your time is crucial. If your absent and not there for them that can leave a hole in their hearts that they can’t fill.
Communication is key. Don’t be overbearing but talk to them about ypur regrets and feelings. Try to start with a new slate.
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I had both an absent parent and an abusive parent. It’s not so easy to have that relationship. My dad has worked pretty hard for the last 6 years to be close to me and it’s still weird sometimes. I have absolutely no relationship with my mother. This is something that if you can come back from will take you a very long time. As harsh as it sounds that’s the consequences of not being there for them. You can’t just expect them to want to have a relationship with you. I can tell you though that it does mean something to try and to continue to try to be there for them.
Whatever it was in the past… Apologize. Growing up my mom was an alcoholic. She didn’t beat us or anything like that but seeing her drunk to us was the worse. It didn’t stop either. Grew up & I got pregnant, she still didn’t stop. Even after having my baby. She had a bad habit of calling when she was drunk. I didn’t answer I just let the machine pick up. My daughter never got to spend the night with her or my step dad either because of it. My mom died in 2011 of cirrhosis of the liver cause of the alcohol. I never really forgave her but I miss her like crazy. She died just 6 months after my daughter came forward that my dad had been molesting her. Of course at the time I needed her too. Even to vent. My mom was not the best mom don’t get me wrong. Cause there is no perfect mom. But I hope in the future your girls can have a relationship with you.
Well coming from a girl who grew up with her mother being not a good person. I can tell you those girls probably struggle with everything that happen in their childhood. I do as to my mom wasn’t a mother to me. I struggle daily because my parents wasn’t there for me & I was raised by my grandfather. I am not very respectful to my mother because I feel you should earn that respect. If they want you to be inovolved then you need to go above & beyond to be there in their lives. Don’t turn back around & start being a crappy mom after you have apologized to them. Nothing can change the hurt & pain. I am sure they love you & they forgive you but the damage is unreal.
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Let them live their life. Take care of ur mind and heart. They’ll come around.
Sometimes burned bridges can’t be rebuilt…
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In your post the attitude I get from it is one of impatience. Depending on the level of “not the best mom you could be” you may have to find a lot more patience. They don’t owe it to you to forgive you. If the things you have done are really severe than they may not forgive you. They do not owe you a relationship.
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I honestly dont get why everyone says keep trying. I’m sorry you burnt this bridge and this is the fall out. As some who has a toxic parent I dont want them any where in my life the damage is done. You day late and dollar short. If you have changed you would apologize and be more understanding that they want nothing to do with you. People are allowed not to let someone in their life that has caused the much damage. The best thing biological father ever did was never to speak me with again. Its allowed me to heal and move on from that trauma
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Admit your wrong doing to them ask for forgiveness let them be hurt! Ask them if they want you in their life
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Parents ( I use the word loosely) such as you make me ill. You were not there for them when they needed you. So why should they be here now for you.?Too little too late,I say.
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If they choose to come around obviously they want to try having a relationship but if it takes them longer respect them till they are ready. That’s hard if you weren’t around when they need it you the most so you have to understand why they choose not to have a relationship at the moment with you. They are already pretty much grown and learn things without having mom around. They are use to some else’s loved and cared for so it must be hard for them to understand why mom couldn’t be around
I have a mum as well and like your daughters I don’t do well with her. I don’t disrespect her but I’m long pass the mother daughter thing. When I needed her she wasn’t there and I had to grow up basically on my own while she turned a blind eye. She tries now to have a relationship with my kids and I but I don’t trust her and never will. I see her twice a year and that’s enough for me although I live just a few miles from her. Sometimes it’s just too late for damage control
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Don’t give up. Let them be angry with you and just keep trying, it may take a long time but hopefully they will come around.
Never give up on your kids. My mom left when I was 15 and its been hard but we finally have a decent relationship and I’m 32. It takes time but I’m sure they’ll come around. Although, sometimes the hurt can be too deep. Some struggle more than others in those types of situations.
I think there needs to be more detail.
Not the best mom like physical and mental abuse or other reasons like working to much, mental health that was not under control?
My parents were not the greatest, I forgave them and built a relationship because people make mistakes and shitty choices, they already feel bad so punishing them non stop doesn’t do anything
Apologize… give them space. They’ll return.
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the way I grew up, my mother was a Druggy. She wasn’t there all the time and when she was, she didn’t understand me cause of my ADHD, that wasn’t discovered until I was in 3rd grade, and was held back in kindergarten by my father and teacher, the same teacher that said I wouldn’t amout to anything in life. Now that I’m grown up in my own family, with two kids of my own she tries to make up for the past. I don’t care for it. She keeps saying sorry and still acts how she did back then, and then treats my soon-to-be husband like he’s one of her exs that’s untruthful when he’s nothing like the guys she’s been with and it makes me more distant towards her. I so close to just having her cut from my life. she doesn’t understand that I don’t care what happened in the past, I grew to just forget it, it’s the past, it can’t change no matter how hard she tries.
I mean, it really depends on what you did wrong. If you overindulged them and then set up boundaries and they’re upset about it or they’re upset that you didn’t buy them name brand things growing up, that’s one thing. If you neglected or abused them, that’s a bigger hill to climb. A therapist might be a good person to ask as far as what you should do based on your specifics.
I would say that if you haven’t truly changed, or you’re still not stable in the changes you made, they’re not going to be very forgiving if you slip again so make sure you’ve truly changed and are reformed before attempting to reconcile. It’s only going to further hurt them if they do let you in and then you do the same thing again.
If you’ve truly changed and can be a healthy presence in their life, then write them a letter or email or call them. Whatever method makes the most sense for your situation. Take full responsibility for your actions, apologize for the things you did and name them. Offer to answer any questions they may have and then wait for them to respond before saying any more. Don’t get defensive. Don’t make excuses, don’t say “I’m sorry I did such and such… I was just so young and didn’t know better…” Just apologize. If they ask why, then answer but be very careful about not making excuses.
Offer that and give them room to respond. If anyone is open to reconciliation, take baby steps. Don’t start buying them gifts or making extravagant gestures. Don’t try to buy their forgiveness. It won’t be sincere and it won’t last. Small gestures and attempts to communicate and get to know each other are best.
If they have no interest in reconnecting, respect their decision and give them their space. They may change their mind after a time, and they may never. My 2 cents. Good luck to you.
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How many years you abandoned them , you should suffer in return. Js. What goes around comes around
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How judging all of you are. She has admitted on a public board to many that she wasn’t a good mom, but her post also says she’s tried years to makeup for it.
You women out there are a trip.
…and please dont shoot your hate off to me.
My grandparents raised me after my mother left me at 3.
I dont know all her story & I am now 65 & she has just passed away.
She was found 20+ years ago.
When I met her I said to her that I would be a liar if I said I didnt want to know why or what all had happened, but that if she never told me I wanted to choose to not harbor hate.
I have 5 children that I have loved & been devoted to…all I ever wanted to do…be a mom, BUT I have made my own share of mistakes.
Without measuring whose was the larger of mistakes, I chose to embrace her, talk with her, be with her, learn what I could & be happy. At some points, where would I get off judging her.
There are always 2 sides.
I let the Lord handle whatever he thought she needed as far as consequences. I’ll not be a part of ugliness, it would only make me ugly, old before my time & bitter…not happening!
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You created it. Maybe you’re still toxic and don’t realize it. I would suggest seeking some counselling for yourself and also respect your children’s boundaries.
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Never give up trying for your children! Giving up is not an option when it comes to your babies!! If they don’t eventually see your efforts of trying to repair things, then you will at least have the comfort of knowing you fought and tried… otherwise if you don’t try, you will have additional feelings of regret! Good luck with this and never give up!! Words of advice from a mom who has failed her kids more than once but never quit! Stay strong
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I wld like to put in my 2 cents. Anger is corrosive and like a corrosive, it eats you. Do you know why your parent was damaged? Alcohol turns people into monsters. I lived with it too. I don’t drink because of them. But if you carry the anger into YOUR life, then it is on you. They are imperfect people. I’m not asking you to forgive them. But let go of your resentment. I encourage you to tell them why you are angry and how you feel hurt and unloved. My dad got angry with me and my mom den ied doing it… but I said it calmly and accepted their not owning it. I was freed after declaring my hurt. I accepted my parents for their inability to admit it but saying it freed me. I went on with my life, made mistakes (cardinal sin) learned from it and corrected it. I did a lot of studying of religion.Buddah taught me a lot. I is nice not to carry such a heavy load of anger.
My father wasn’t the greatest when I was younger but we still talk to him. The best you can do is apologize and ask for forgiveness. You can’t fix the damage done, but it that doesn’t mean you can’t start something new. Don’t push them to like you. Remember birthdays and important events and BE THERE. That’s mostly what I resented about my father who was mostly absent.
Take that same unconditional love that you have for your kids, and put it into yourself…first. You have to heal first. They have to see a mother stronger and more resilient than the one they originally knew. Their respect and admiration will only come from your healing. No one in your entire life will love or treat you better than you love/treat yourself. You have to set that standard. For everyone. Your kids are only reacting to the self hatred that you exposed them to. Children can also be a reflection of how you treat yourself. They love you. Dearly. Know that. You just never let the world know how worthy you are of everything that you deserve. If your kids see you constantly beating yourself up, they will follow suit (and maybe even take the confusion out on themselves). Be patient, give yourself grace that you’ve made it this far. And take it a day at a time. Your actions, your growth, and self-love will conquer everything. I’m speaking from experience.
First, let me say that there are NO perfect people, let alone parents. I swore while carrying both of my babies and the years before life got the best of me that I would always do the best I could as their Mother. Nowhere in my plans for the future of raising them did I even consider that selfishness through drug addiction would take all those beautiful dreams as a “perfect” parent away. As a result I was by far the best Mother and there were plenty of bad times. And, by no means am I trying to diminish or take away from the hurt that my children have gone through as a direct result of my problems but, there were also plenty of good times. It’s also taken me a long time to realize that I didn’t raise them alone… there are visible traits of both their parent’s issues with addiction and mental health issues. There are no excuses… just facts. To be completely fair, it took me having children, many years, and going through all of that to have a better understanding of my own parents dysfunction. My daughters and I don’t have the perfect relationship and it may never be as respectful as it could be but, I am doing the best I can… much better than I once was.There’s no way to ever make up for the time lost that could’ve and should’ve been better. These days, I don’t try to spend my time with what could’ve been because I can’t change a thing. In spite of it all, i look now at 2 of the most intelligent, beautiful and resilient young women I’ve ever known and understand that both the good and the bad experiences are what makes them who they are today. I’m also learning slowly to set boundaries for myself where they’re concerned. Where I once felt like I had to do anything and everything they wanted in order to gain their love and respect back, I now feel like I’ve done all I can do and strive each day to be better than yesterday… including but, not limited to scheduling counseling appointments to try to get them what they need to deal with the curve balls of life. The ball is now in their court. As long as I’m doing the best I can, the respect they give me in return is up to them as adults. It’s really great to see people who have somehow managed to get through their childhoods without scars and bruises. I respect those parents who were able to do that for their children. Unfortunately, some of us weren’t or chose other things that negatively affected our children. I don’t believe it means you loved your children any less… I do believe that everyone isn’t fortunate to recognize and deal with their own damage before bringing children into the world. Now that you recognize it though, go from there and do the best you can. Be open about your struggles with them and understand their pain from it. We are all imperfect humans with different experiences which lead to different mindsets and the ability to deal with struggles in the same way. They might can blame a bad yesterday on you but, they can’t take away from you trying for a better today.
Iynla Fix My Life shows will let you see some of the hard work required and all must be at least willing to participate.
Don’t close the door on a relationship. But also don’t let yourself be walked over. Good luck
Depends on what you did while they were growing up. Is it something that could be forgiven? Also, you need to focus on what makes you healthy too. If they want to be in your life, do they know how to find you? I wouldn’t keep pushing it. I would just simply tell them that if they would like to have a relationship with you, they can reach out anytime and you will be there.
You can’t force a relationship with somebody, even your children. It will only push them further away. My mother lost my respect and authority over me when I was 13. Since then she’s been trying to get back on good terms with me. She and I didn’t have an amicable relationship until I was 19 or 20. She then took a huge step backwards due to how she treated my now wife.
My best advice to you is to ask yourself why you’ve ended up distancing your daughters as a parent and whether or not you’re the same person that you were then. My mother is still the same woman with the same weaknesses and struggles. Those faults in her character have caused me to keep her at an arm’s distance. I don’t see much difference between the woman who emotionally and verbally abused me as a child and the woman who comes to visit my granddaughter. The only change is that she doesn’t have power over me.
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Be honest! Be patient. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Prayers for your family.
Go to a therapist. Talk it out, get advice from them. Then have a talk with your children. Maybe ask them to go to therapy with you.
Give them time , try to be kind and caring in every situation. Show them that u care and love them unconditionally
Don’t approach them as a mother-daughter relationship. They are grown now and they don’t need a mother! The best you can hope for is adult friends. Just curious, but why is this important to you now? Do you want the kudos of a grandmothrr? Something to boast about in front of your friends? Did you get religion? Looking for support in your old age? You will be asked, so you might as well have a reasonable answer. Ma told me thalt her favorite child had cut her off, she was long divorced, and I was all she had left. I took care of her for the last 5 years she lived, treated her kindly. She was delighted. She never could understand that I would have done the same for a dog in the street. That mother-daughter bond that everyone brags about just wasn’t there. I hope you find what you lost. I never had it, haven’t missed it since nunior high.
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If you have truly changed and can make amends it is your obligation to build a relationship and.part of that will be accepting of their anger and distrust.
You can never make up for how they feel towards you, all you can do is have patients and allow them to Trust you and let you back in at their own pace. The disrespect they are giving you is the anger, hurt and pain you caused and they have a right to that so be every careful how you react it. The fact that you still have some interaction with them is hope that you may be able to reconcile this.
My mom was a meth addict who got me hooked on meth at 14 years old. Unfortunately for her there is nothing she can do to make up for it. My mother gave birth to me but that dont mean a whole lot to me. My mom is currently in a vetitive state due to her drug and alchohol problem. I am currently 14 years clean no thanks to her. I own my own home have a degree and 2 beautiful girls. We visit once a year at max. She choose her one fate. I will never do to my girls what she did to me. Unfortunately for her her sobriety came in the form of a coma. I love my mom she is my mom, however I have zero respect for her, and could care less if we visit. Depending on what you did your kids might be where I am. I hope you are able to recover your family. I pray your kids are able to do what I am not… forgive you.
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As a child whose mother was unfit; I have no respect for her. All I’ve ever wanted was a mom which is why I still keep contact but she still doesn’t know how to be a good Mom or even a good person. I’d say if you’re even thinking about giving up you don’t seem to care enough to try in the first place.
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It’s going to take a lot of intense, frank communication. Start with a professional for guidance. Understand, they may reject the idea totally. They’ve been deeply hurt and they may not trust you to not hurt them again.
Like the old sayings go: as we sow, so shall we reap. And: once burnt, twice shy.
Old and trite, but true.
Write them each a letter. Apologize specifically for what you now see was in error. You can choose to put in why you chose the path you did at the time, but it won’t make a difference to them and may sound like excuses. Take full responsibility.
State what you have learned & changed since you were involved in their lives. Explain why you are different today & why you won’t relapse into your previous “bad” behavior, if true.
Invite them to meet with a family counselor/therapist separately and together to allow them to express their anger & hurt & you yours in a controlled environment. If they refuse, go by yourself.
Ask for any relationship with them they are willing to grant you: a yearly holiday card with some news of their lives, the occasional text a few times a year, a short phone call every few months, 30-minute coffee shop conversations 4x a year, a meal together (from a quick McDonald’s breakfast to a leisurely dinner) once a month.
Then RESPECT their wishes and don’t abuse the privilege by pushing for more. Make sure each of them knows how to get in touch with you if/when they are ready. It may be in a month, a year, five years, ten years or never. I’m sorry.
Keep working on yourself and bring new and supportive people into your life. You will always miss having your children in your life, but you can still have a life filled with joy and meaning.
As someone who struggles with my mother, take ownership for whatever you have done. Apologize and make it clear that you know whatever it is was wrong and want to take steps to make it better.
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Admit to them that you were not the best, acknowledge and apologize. That being said, you love them, you are mom, your authority stands.
There pushing you away is normal during late teens. Also, they are probably testing to see if you’ll backslide. Stand firm
Prayers for you and your family
Apologize to them, tell them you love them and show them you’ve changed by your actions. Actions speak louder than words.
If they’re being disrespectful, do the above things, but distance yourself from that behavior. Disrespecting your mother is not okay.
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It may be years before either of them wants anything to do with you, if ever. Childhood pain can last a lifetime and it hurts deep. Make sure you aren’t making excuses for what happened-accept full responsibility and be remorseful. My relationship with my father is similar and what hurts the most is the lack of recognition of the past. I would say if you really care about your girls continue to try to connect with them. It will be painful because they will probably reject you, but keep trying as long as they will let you. If you give up on them it will just reinforce their feelings about you.
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Live your life after you tell them that even though you were not a great mother you still love them. And if they need anything and it is within your power you will help them. Either they accept you or they don’t. Then live your life. It isn’t easy, but you can’t change them, you can only change You!