I'd really like your opinions on this one

I won’t give a whole lot of back story but here is the situation.
I have 2 children both under 8. We come from a DV background but are successfully “breaking the cycle”.
My children have a uncle who is under 20 and is dating a 16 year old.
The girl seemed okay maybe a little mis guided but okay.
Fast forward to 2 nights before the incident-we are house sitting for my children’s grandparents. The uncle and (drinking) girlfriend are fighting so badly we are considering packing up at 11p and leaving. The next morning the girlfriend tries to hug my oldest child and is greeted with a stiff child who does NOT want to be hugged. She forced a hug and left. Both parents saw this and later had a conversation about how do we let the girlfriend know she is violating our child boundaries.
We agreed we would bluntly tell her not to touch our children with out consent.
2 days after the fighting she comes stumbling down the hall and grabs my younger child to hug him and say good morning. I reach out for my child make eye contact with the girlfriend and tell her “Please don’t touch my children or any child with out their consent!” I’m asked “what?” And I repeat my self and point out that neither child ever verbally told her they wanted to hug and how both body languages screamed NO.
She storms out, cries comes back in and tries to physically fight…in front of the children. At this point we are leaving and both the uncle and his girlfriend are hitting the car with their fists as we try to leave…children horrified.
This is why I’m typing this post.
As we are safely on the road. We get a message saying:
“I’m really sorry but (mom) had absolutely no right to tell (girlfriend) not to touch the kids! (Girlfriend) would do anything for them and loves them!..”
We have obviously kept our distance…but I’d really like your opinions and advice on this one…
There is no parental guidance or help for my children’s uncle or his girlfriend.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'd really like your opinions on this one - Mamas Uncut

I would stay away from
Them seriously. Toxic is toxic and your children and you have survived domestic violence before and do not need to relive that again. That little 16 year old needs to be taught a lesson about not letting anger get the best of her cause it’ll only get her in trouble honestly. Next time anything like that happens with uncle and his girlfriend you should be calling the cops cause there’s no reason for teenagers to be fighting like that under any circumstances and it’s just a toxic relationship for them both and it won’t end well one will end up dead especially if there’s that much physical bs happening

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#1: They’re your children, tell whomever you want, what ever you want when it comes to their safety and mental health.
#2: You escaped a DV situation…DO NOT EXPOSE YOUR CHILDREN TO IT!!!
#3: Uncle screwing a 16 year old is a felony, statutory rape, where are this girls parents?
YOU hold all the cards…DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!

it’s sounds like a toxic environment and since your family has a DV background you all picked up on the red flags and no one seemed comfortable and you did what you felt you needed to to protect your kids. The girlfriend more than likely doesn’t see it that way and seems to not be in the same page of consent before hugging as a lot of people honestly aren’t unfortunately. She took it personally. The bottom line is what happened happened and you yourself know that this isn’t the best for your family to be around. I think you know you guys probably shouldn’t be where that kind of stuff is going on, especially since your children are being affected and it’s almost impossible to not be the bad guy to the other party when reacting to someone crossing your kids boundaries. Do what you need to do and maybe keep the uncle at a distance for a while until things calm down. Maybe try letting him know where you were coming from and understand how it could have been misinterpreted but what theybdid in response to that was unacceptable and not something you will have your kids around. I wish you the best! That’s a hard situation you’ve been place in and I’m so sorry you and your family experienced that. Much love and healing :revolving_hearts:

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Offer to take the girlfriend out to lunch maybe McDonald’s so the kids can play. Explain that she can talk to you at anytime but you have taught your children that hugs are only given if they give consent. And they are not comfortable with her and the boyfriend fighting. Maybe she has no support at home and 16 to 20 is a big age difference. Pray that she will be able to open up to you. God Bless

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I would have responded I don’t care if you think mom (I assume they mean your mom) has no right to say that. I told her no and I’m the mother and I say what goes. If you don’t like that then too bad for you. I would also keep my distance and not go there anymore if they are there. Say they obviously aren’t going to respect you and your not putting your family in that situation.

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Cut out the toxic. If they apologize and don’t say I’m sorry but blah blah blah then maybe give them a chance down the road but no. Toxicity stays away from kids, no matter who it is

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Shes 16. Treat her as you would any seriously misguided CHILD. As legally she still is. Honestly if she likes the kids, Id try and befriend her during socially acceptable hours where hopefully shes sober.

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Are we all ignoring the elephant in the room? She’s a MINOR and she is having a relationship with an ADULT and DRINKING.

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She’s just a child…

Firstly yall should be in trouble for allowing her to be in the home and intoxicated.
Secondly, your uncle is a nonce.
Thirdly, keep your kids away from him!!!

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Okay, first of all, there is so much wrong with you people.

She’s 16, and you’re okay with your 20 year old relative dating a CHILD?! That’s pedophilia at its finest. Second of all, she was 16 trying to hug your fucking child. The person you need to be worried about here is the dude in this situation. You could have told her nicely, "hey, I dont think my child wants a hug right now can you please let him come to you for hugs? Instead of, dont touch my child!

She’s fu****g 16, dude. She’s still a child, probably doesn’t understand a whole lot about the real world yet. She was being harmless. Report your nephew or whatever.

First all- why is this 16 year old girl drinking as well as the uncle?
I wouldn’t even bring my children around their house ever again. Sounds like a toxic environment

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Unfortunately some people don’t understand the why behind it. It’s something that they have probably been conditioned to believe and do and don’t understand your perspective and reasoning for that boundary. Good for you for enforcing that boundary anyway and putting your child first. Sometimes others won’t understand our feelings or boundaries, but that’s okay. You keep enforcing it anyway. If they choose to be offended by it, that’s their decision.

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The uncle is a pedo first off. 16 and 20? :face_vomiting::triangular_flag_on_post::face_vomiting::triangular_flag_on_post::face_vomiting::triangular_flag_on_post::face_vomiting::triangular_flag_on_post::face_vomiting:

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The uncle is a pedo first off. 16 and 20? :face_vomiting::triangular_flag_on_post::face_vomiting::triangular_flag_on_post::face_vomiting::triangular_flag_on_post::face_vomiting::triangular_flag_on_post::face_vomiting:

As a mom of a 15 year old NO way are they allowed to date a 20 year old and most definitely NOT a going to be drinking. I know that’s not the advice you asked for but honestly because your of age you can get in trouble for having the kids and yourself in that situation and allowing minors to drink. I don’t think it’s worth it at all. I think you did the right thing by leaving and honestly I would stay away from that situation unfortunately sometimes if family is toxic you must remove yourself to keep you and your kiddos safe :heart:

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It doesn’t matter how much she loves them or what she would do for them. She needs to respect them & their bodies. You should’ve called the police as they were hitting your car. Personally I’d keep my kids away from both of them.

Wtf! The police need to be called for the fact that uncle is dating a 16 year old and letting her drink! That’s rape! Why would even want the uncle around your children if he looks at kids like that!

So much wrong here. The uncle is a pedophile. The family are enablers. Get away from them!!! This whole post is a giant red flag.

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You were right, no child should be forced to hug. For her to react violently and the uncle to respond as he did they clearly do not have an understanding of personal boundaries or respect of others. Sounds very toxic, if possible I would not be around them anymore for the safety of the children

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I mean they’re both already “consenting” to statutory rape and drinking at 16, I’d avoid both of them indefinitely.

If shes 16 she is still a child herself and probably struggles to understand the concept as it sounds like shes never been asked permission herself. Doesnt excuse her other behaviour though…

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I agree with the other posts that she has NO right to hug your children; she should not be drinking at 16, she should not be with a 20 yr old man. Theres a ton of red flags and I hope her parents step in and get her help. CPS can be called for starters

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She has no right to go at you like that or him
I would definitely keep distance
They seem unstable to be around children

No amount of sorries is enough. Cut them loose

under 20 so what…19? He better make sure the age of consent laws are in their favor where yall live. As far as the kid, as the parents, you have EVERY RIGHT to tell whomever not to touch your kids. Why would you let people touch the kid when the kid is obviously uncomfortable? especially have their dispute that scared them? That’s just stupid. I’d tell them that their little antics scared your children and it’s their fault.

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I would of KOd her and it would have been self defense. Or have them arrested :woman_shrugging:. But that’s just me. The uncle is a pedophile and nobody has reported it which is sick in itself. Hopefully you’re teaching your kids that’s not okay and illegal!

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You wanna continue to break the cycle you do exactly as you did you leave and you don’t return you love from a distance and the fact she can’t respect personal boundaries is a red flag especially this of a child……

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Sounds like both the uncle & his GF need supervision and counseling. Are there resources available for them? Maybe a school counselor? Maybe AA or Al-Anon? Drinking to excess while underage is a huge red flag.

Maybe call the girl’s school and see if there’s a guidance counselor or school psychologist who could help her. Take her out by herself and ask questions. Where are her parents and other family members in all of this? Is uncle her first BF? Are they using reliable birth control consistently? Has she been abused? If she’s been forced to be intimate with others, she may have no concept of consent or boundaries for herself either, much less others. Perhaps RAINN or a women’s shelter could help.

What led her to start drinking, and why does she do it? What does she like and dislike about uncle? Does she know she can leave the relationship and be fine on her own? Why does she have so little self worth? Does she know blowing up and getting physical when she’s mad is an ineffective and immature reaction? Is that all she’s known? Maybe a DV hotline could help too…

Why doesn’t the uncle have any adult supervision? Where are his other family members? Encourage him to get help for his drinking & let him know he might get in serious trouble for statutory rape if that’s true, especially if he’s over 18. See if there are mental health and behavioral therapy resources for him as well.

It would be great if they could get involved with a religious institution and get some healthy hobbies and make some positive friendships. If they have no religious beliefs or background, the Unitarian Universalist church might be a good fit for them. Do they have any interest in sports or exercise? Swimming, ballroom dance, hiking groups, yoga, meditation, weight lifting, live action role playing? Anything that could get them involved with healthy people and healthy habits to relieve stress would help.

In the meantime, keep the kids physically away from them but you can stay in touch by phone or see them without the kids.

This is all so sad. I’m sorry for everyone. It’s not necessarily your responsibility to help these wayward teens, but clearly the other adults in their lives have failed them.

Finally, congratulations on escaping your own DV situation and creating a healthy family of your own. And good for you for standing up for and protecting your little ones. You have strength, resilience and endurance. Brava!

Turn her in. Problem solved.

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So many red flags here. :flushed: Where are this child’s parents and do they care that their minor daughter is shacking up with a grown man and drinking? I’d be reporting to the police. As for the unwanted hugging, it erks me that so many still have that mindset of “Omg it’s just a hug! What’s the big deal?” Try to forcefully hug an adult when they’ve told you no and that’s sexual harassment. Kids have the right to refuse unwanted contact and her response was very immature. Report it and stay away from both of them. I wouldn’t allow my kids around a pedophile anyway.

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First off why is a 20yr old dating a 16yr old? Why are you all allowing a 16yr old to drink? Maybe start with those major issues first.

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So once again a kids feelings don’t matter to people who “care” about the. No you’re 100% correct!!! I am sorry but if you care, their feelings matter. And that’s for anybody in any situation. They both sound incredibly childish and entitled. I would continue with what you’re doing. You’re smart, you act fast, and protect your babies!! You got this! :heart:

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I would have Don the same thing you stood up for your child when your child was uncomfortable and scared to say something .

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Stay far away. You and your kids do not need to be involved in their drama

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No not cool consent is a big deal and no child should be hugged without one or forced period.
You have every right to make sure you’re children are comfy in the environment they are in period.
No excuses 16 or not she should understand

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My child does not liked to be touched. We have had lots of conversations with family regarding “please ask her” and sometimes she will say no. But even giving her the option has been a VERY big thing for her. We have gone so far to even teach her to do a stiff arm and yell “no” if she does not want a hug or a kiss.

Basically what I am getting at is that I 100% think you did the right thing. But, especially with your background, I think it’s important you teach your children ways to say no. Because they won’t always be asked. Sometimes people forget to ask and that’s when “no” is needed.

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Personal opinion here

If we “force” the children to hug someone they aren’t comfortable hugging then how can we have rape/molestation boundaries? I have ALWAYS told my daughter if she isn’t comfortable say something (to them or me) so something can be said. If I forced her to hug someone she isn’t comfortable hugging then if someone does something to her she may not say something because “we forced her to hug someone”

No means no, the kids can also tell her when she’s sober, at 16 she’s a mess and will continue to ruin her life, stay away from that disaster

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You’re all in the same home with 2 minors, and at least one is drinking alcohol, and getting so drunk they are stumbling?

There’s a lot wrong with this whole situation. Not just the hugging your kids, without consent part.

If my 16 year old daughter was drunk, I’d find out where she was, and go to the police, any adults home would get in legal trouble. And if I was the adult at the home with 2 minors, with alcohol I’d tell them they can’t drink and if they didn’t listen I’d call the police myself.

You were right to speak up for your kids, the reactions are severe, and scream mental and emotional immaturity, couples with a lack of guidance from seemingly all adults in their lives this will probably only get worse.

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IMHO, they need to Understand that YOUR Children, Your Rules.
I have 6 GrandChildren, when I, or they, are leaving or going to bed and they don’t come to me with a Hug & Kiss, I will ask if I am getting one, if I am told or indicated “No” then I say okay, well here’s a Hug & Kiss for you anyway, and send them an Air Kiss & Hug. I force myself on no one.
Kind of goes along the line of Treat Others The Way YOU Want To Be Treated.

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She’s new to your kids she definitely shouldn’t be forcing hugs on them

It all depends on where they live. In the UK the age of consent is 16. However the drinking is an issue.

I would’ve put the kids in a bedroom and met her ass with frying pan!!! Respect!! And that’s something they lack. I’d remove my self and not go back. That sounds toxic

Let them swing on u . Drop to ground flop around like fish out water. Let the girl get some Vaca time in jail

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You did the right thing protecting your child .that is your job as parent.you did good stopping it and taking your child out of the situation. Find a place to live where you don’t have to live with other people,keeping your children safe all the time is your job.

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Your children! Its the children’s decision who they hug! They don’t have to hug anyone they don’t want to! People need to understand children are people! Ask don’t assume!!

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Stand your ground. Children need to be taught early on that consent and over their own body is very important and it’s up to them as who gets to touch them and when.

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Kick those people the hell out of your children’s lives.

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The uncle is a child molester or rapist if they are having sex.

Personally don’t see a problem with a 20 yo dating a 16yo. Its legal. The drinking isnt but not your child so not your problem
However forcing a child to hug is not acceptable. Its not about thinking the girl will hurt them its about the children learning its ok to say no in situations they’re not comfortable in

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You are in the right. They wouldn’t see my kids again.

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I would recommend they focus on thier own messed up lives and stay in tjier lane .

I had issues of my own growing up with not being heard about my own body. My children are 1,3,6 and even as their mother I as before hugs and kisses and if they say no. Or not right now I listen…in fact everyone in our family does… it shouldn’t matter age if anyone young or old doesn’t want touched then don’t touch them. You did everything correct but it will help in the future to tell your kids it is ok to be vocal about this and it’s always ok to say no.

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You are not wrong. A child’s body is thier own and they get to decide what they do with it. I don’t even make my own children hug me if they don’t want.

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They sound like a couple of nuts … keep ur kids away from them

Doesn’t matter who the children’s parents are, children need to be protected. Adults are their voices when people don’t respect body language. You did the right thing…

You have every right to tell ANYONE to not touch your babies, you are their parents. I wouldn’t want someone who was drinking that heavily near my children anyways. They’d be removed from my life permanently, as I’d want nothing to do with a drinking teenager and a weird uncle.

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You said it, they are victims of domestic violence. Good to protect them by not allowing touching without permission
This situation exposed to get m to domestic violence again. Stay away unless you can guarantee they won’t be exposed to more verbal and physical violence

Stay away from those two.

I would continue to keep distance. If not cut them off completely. Neither you or your children need that in your lives, not now or ever. You did the right thing. No doubt. Always speak for your children no matter what. You did good.

I would explain to her that if a grown man walked up to her (didn’t matter if she knew him or not) and tried to touch her in any way a hug a kiss whatever and she felt uncomfortable and asked them to stop if she would want to be respected in her right to say no! (Her answer would be yes) then I’d explain the only difference is your children are young and don’t know how to or don’t like to say no not right now so you as their mother have to stand up for them and be their voice! (P.s. I would have had someone remove my child from the room and dog stomped her for trying me infront of my kid and not respecting me as my child’s mother but I’m ratchet and know I’ll bond out within 24 hours and my child would have been well taken care of till I got out and I grew up being told not to start a fight but never back down from one and always finish it if they start it)

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You did the right thing by setting the boundary for the children. If there are other adults in the home, get their support and ask them to help make sure in your absence she doesn’t touch them.
Also, if they still can’t get them to understand start taping what is going on. Tape their behavior and the affect it’s having on the children. May be/ hopefully that will wake up their immature asses!

You handled that well and you were completely 100% in the right. They/ she was very wrong. She should’ve immediately apologized and backed off. She does not understand boundaries and that’s very triggering for anyone that’s dealt with DV

I would get out of there ASAP. With that type of violence one of your kids could end up seriously hurt or worse. Please find another place to live. It is your responsibility to protect your children. Keep them safe :heart: can’t imagine what these kiddies are going through seeing all this terrible behaviour

Children are the boss of their bodies. This teenager needs to learn “No means know.” This girl paid no attention to what you said nor what your kids wanted. She had no right to touch anyone.

No child should be forced to hug a person they are not comfortable with. If a child is uncomfortable, then it ends. A child should not be in an uncomfortable situation. We want to teach our kids that when someone makes you feel uncomfortable, they should be able to have a say so and know they can tell an adult. I personally think a 20 year old should be someone more of his age. Plus is doesn’t sound like a very healthy environment to have kids in.

Being that minors are drinking at a house and you are there with your kids and aware of it could get YOU in a lot of trouble. What she did to the kids is unnecessary yes, uncalled for, yes. But to be there and aware a minor is drinking is contribution to the delinquency of a minor, not to mention if she were to get mad and say YOU bought her the alcohol. Sounds like a mess to stay completely away from and out of period.

You’re overreacting and you’re ridiculous. Get over yourself.

Frist tell your kids to voice no , let them know its ok to say no.
Then have a long talk with uncle explaining why it is not ok for his girlfriends to hug kids if they don’t want to.