I told my husband that we were done 5 months ago. I have not been able to move out of the house, and he refuses to leave, therefore I have just been stuck with him. He refuses to accept that we are done. He harasses me about what I’m doing, who I’m hanging out with, and puts me down. Alot. We share a four year old daughter, and this whole situation is just toxic for her. And I, mentally, can no longer handle it. Is it terrible of me to leave for a couple of days out of the week, to get away from him, as well as trying to adjust my daughter to what it will be like once we are in separate households?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'm curious about the options of fellow moms
Don’t leave your kids.
I went through the exact same thing.
I ended up walking away after 10 years. Left the house, 3 vehicles, everything i took a backpack and my kids. Best decision I ever made
Kayla Goodale Who said anything about her leaving her kid. All she said is, is it ok to leave for a few days for her daughter to start to adjust to a 1party household… please don’t assume. I’ve been in this same exact situation, I had to have my father help me tell my kids dad after a year of him not listening to me that I was time to move out of my families home… It’s not easy by any means for anyone. No your not in the wrong, my question is, are y’all really married? if so get a lawyer asap before he does, yes it’ll be scary at first but if your done, your done, your a mom you have a child… do what’s in best interest for you and your child. Go to court get split custody, bc your mom most times they tell the husband you need to find a suitable place for yourself, she’s the mom her and “said” child get the home.
Take you kiddies and what you need ana go . Go through legal aid for the rest if you can. Of course funds permitting or somewhere to go. I hope you have a good support system hon x
leave for a few days is fine but take your child with you if not he could charge you with desertion and win full custody in court
He can say your abandoning her. Honestly, how could you ever even think to just leave her there. I hope that’s not what you are saying but it sounds like it…”adjusting to separate households “. You’re saying it’s toxic for her but you’ll leave her and confuse her more. Get a grip! People divorce all the time and have to stay in the environment until things are settled. If you leave you absolutely must take her!
If anything take your daughter and find a hotel or a family member you can stay with until you can find your own place
There are women’s shelters that can help.you get on your feet, he sounds mentally abusive… you can call an nonemergency line at the police office and an officer will take you and your daughter somewhere safe, they will help. There’s options, just be strong and leave.
If you leave sweetheart, you take your daughter, because she is not the problem, he is
Why haven’t you been able to leave? Is it financial?
Get your important papers together and get statements from all your banks ASAP and make copies; keep one set in a safe place where he won’t see or find them, preferably outside the home.
Contact a women’s center or shelter and take their advice on leaving and get a lawyer to advise you. Do not leave your daughter alone with your husband. He sounds abusive and he could get you for abandonment in which case you’d lose custody.
There will be things you need to do and collect so you don’t lose out on anything you’re entitled to, so you get primary custody (and if he’s as bad as he sounds, I’d go for court supervised visits only), and you and your daughter stay safe. Leaving an abuser can be dangerous so take every precaution, even if you think it sounds silly.
Generally womens shelters are nicer than homeless shelters, but if you can stay with friends or family that would be best unless you think he’d come and harass you.
I packed my car took my son and left. Didn’t look back. I had 300 dollars to my name! If you want to leave, leave do NOT leave your child for any amount of time!
Why did you want to separate to begin with?
I’ve learned my lesson you never leave the child without a custody agreement in place. You need to be focused on finding a home to provide a stable environment for her. Not getting her used to a 1 person home without a home for her to go to
You’re confusing her by taking her and then bringing her back !!
He’s also a parent he’s more than capable of watching his own child too. Get a custody order and then you can get her used to the separation
Go courthouse file for emergency custody … or call and get advice from your lawyer …don’t even your husband …. I’m sure at this point you NEED A BREAK before you break! If you leave your kid with her dad and you feels it’s safe then do what you have to do … In my opinion I could almost guarantee whatever choice you make will not be as toxic to your 4 year as what she is being put through right now is
You decided to break the relationship you should move out don’t be looking for sympathy i feel sorry for your daughter
Leave and tell him your going for a work trip to learnstuff
If you can leave for a few days at a time then you can leave period🤷♀️this is on you. Especially after so long!?
You may come home to changed locks and a custody battle. Do not leave your house! Do see a lawyer before you do anything else.
Under no circumstances leave your child overnight with him ( or his family) or he can go to court quickly & claim “abandonment” & you will lose permanent custody just like that & it can take lots of time & money to even get to see her again.
If you have somewhere to go for a few days out of the week you can probably just move out. If it’s toxic staying there then moving out asap is the most important thing to do right now. And you don’t have to answer him unless it’s about your kid.
Take yourself and your child to women’s refuge/ mother and baby unit.
Explain your situation. Allow them to make a statement to the police so they have it on record otherwise he’ll claim you kidnapped your daughter and he’ll gain custody of her.
They’ll help through court to put something in place for joint custody or what you guys request.
Just please do it by the book. Yes I get your upset as you don’t wish to be with him anymore. But your little girl must be so damn confused and emotional. Take yourself and her out the situation and go about it the right way for her and yourself.
If you can leave a couple of days a week then you can leave full time. Sounds to me like you dont know what you want…
To be fair I’m more on your husbands side on this one. You should of had a plan to leave when you chose to end the relationship. It’s not fair to end it and expect him to be ok still living with you. He obviously still loves you and it’s probably driving him crazy (hence the reason for his behaviour) your not giving him a chance to get over you. You don’t seem to care about him at all, with is another reason you should leave. You have had plenty time to find somewhere and he’s quite right refusing to leave, you ended the relationship and caused this mess. I can’t believe people are saying don’t leave your kid with him, you mean THEIR kid and get custody etc etc. Not once has she indicated that he was a bad dad or partner, only that she has left him. Why can’t the man have his child? I’m sure he’s more than capable of looking after his kid. If you can sort staying somewhere for a few days a week, I’m sure you can move out. Remember the heart break you have caused and still are causing it’d probably why he’s acting crazy, you are probably giving him false hope there may still be a chance, as it makes no sense you end the relationship 5 months ago but your still there. Why, because that’s not fair on him or your child.
Take your daughter and leave or have him put out, not fair or healthy for your daughter
Leave… why is this a question lol
You’re basically checking to see if the grass is greener on the other side, leaving your husband in limbo. He is right to refuse to leave, this is your choice so you should leave.
If you’re the one who wants to end the relationship why is he the one expected to move out?
I had to learn the hard way. Toxic relationship with my BD for 7 years almost. got out last year. Yeah I know it took a while. Better than my son seeing me so unhappy. Your kids DESERVE A HAPPY MOM.
From what I got out of reading this was that she would take her daughter with because the situation is toxic for her too so hopefully she is taking her.
This is definitely a take your kid and what you need and leave situation
Plez file 4 custody of ur child. If u don’t he can take her anytime he wants. I went thru this once. His dad took him out of school n wouldn’t return him. The police told me without custody papers they couldn’t intervene but I could steal my child back!! I had 2 go file 4 legal physical custody 2 stop this from recurring.
I was stuck for a few a months until my taxes came back so I could afford a new place. I couldn’t keep up with bills at the current house and have money for deposit and rent elsewhere. I did let him know I would be leaving so it wasn’t a shock when I did. Some people have no where to go and no help and their only option is to stay until they get their ducks in a row. I’m sure the situation was toxic before you ever told him you were done. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
With no custody agreement Myself would not be leaving my daughter with him if yall can’t be amicable for the child. If you leave him with the child he could say take me to court. And you won’t see her until then. Just saying if there is no custody order and he is spiteful this could turn around and bite you. Take your daughter have family or friends watch her for a mental break and file your paper work .
Just leave already ! What you are doing now is far worse for your daughters mental health!
This honestly is the one thing I will never understand. You want to end the relationship than move on,you move out have your options ready . You can not expect someone to change their life because you wanted to change yours. You absolutely can not expect to continue to cohabitation with your ex. If you can leave a few days a week maybe it would be in your best interest to find a place to stay until you find something else permanent. All I keep seeing on this post is dont abandon your daughter , blah blah blah. First things first, fathers also have rights, you say he’s being toxic, but from what I gather you made the decision and he’s hurt. Staying around for 5 months doesn’t make it easier.
Don’t leave your daughter
Don’t do this as it seems he’s verbally abusive. I wouldn’t trust him with her to not lock you out claim you abandoned her and fight you for full custody.
Stop caring about his b s. Until your able to fully leave create your own space away from him. If he’s nonstop questioning you tell him calmly, yall aren’t together why does he care? Its time to get really strong momma. Hurry up and get away
Sierra Brown I didn’t see anything that says he won’t let her leave, if that’s the case she wouldn’t leave several days out of the week.
She left him, wants him to up and leave, and is blaming him for the toxic relationship…do you actually think she’s innocent in all of this?
I’m confused as to why everyone thinks it’s OK to just take HIS child away, she gave her vague story and because she’s a female, sides are automatically taken…maybe she’s the problem.
Dont leave your daughter he will get you on abandonment even if it’s for a few days . Happened to someone I knew and the judge agreed she was wrong. So take your child with you
You can get an emergency court order to get to stay in the home.
You need to just leave. Constantly putting you down, controlling you is emotional abuse. Contact a DV agency. They will help you get back on your feet.
You want it to be over then you need to move on with your life outside of that home. I am confused on why you can’t leave, is it because he’s paying the bills? If you can leave for a couple of days you can leave period. Stop playing games and get on with your life.
Where are you going to go for them days? You need to go to your local council if you can’t afford to private rent. No good focusing on small breaks away you need a permanent solution.
As for him snooping on what your doing etc, just say thanks but we’re actually separated you don’t need to check up on me I will contact you if anything for our child. X
I mean if you have somewhere to go for a few days ask if you can stay for a few weeks get a job and figure it out.
Look for alternatives and move
Where do you live? Bc most states have womens shelters… some only take domestic cases others are not case specific. Or since you already put up with it start filling out paperwork for Rental assistance and start looking for places if it’s just you and your daughter that’s easy 1 bdrm anything state funding usually approves as long as it can pass inspection which is pretty damn easy in MI.
Don’t leave your daughter that’s abandonment it’s not a good choice for a custody battle
If you leave take your daughter he does not have to give her back to you if you go away for a couple days
Do not leave your kid with him yet nope. Also Tell him to shut uP and mind his Own business. Dont let him think he can be all up in ya business. That’s the problem with em they think they’re entitled to everything that has to do with us. No maam
What people are saying about abandonment I can say I only wish my state was like that, it’s 90 days here. But that is with no contact between the parents.
But what someone said about him withholding your child from you Is very true you can do the same until this goes to court.
I witnessed this with my brothers children mom always picked up from school or in public not crap dad could do until court
Go to court. File for divorce. Make him leave.
Girrrrllll im thereeee. Have a 4 year old at home and a baby in the hospital, we’ve not been together since end of October and were stuck in our lease until March 1st, and he thinks the same way, refuses to accept we are not together, still wants to be up in my business, where am I, what am i doing, who am I talking to, its NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. Its toxic period. And that’s why I’m leaving with my sons by March 1st (we have custody agreement, im main parent with main address) but he still don’t give a fu** wants to work on WE and its too little to late for that, he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore, fine by me, we’re grown ass parents with 2 kids, 1 who could very well not live past 2 and you decide you don’t know? Sorry I don’t do “I dont know” so yea we broke up but now he’s constantly hovering over me and won’t let me breathe demanding I tell him everything, I don’t owe him sht. And you don’t owe yours sht either so don’t think you do. I have ‘luckily’ been staying with my son in the hospital so we aren’t in the same household in that perspective and I come back on weekends to see my oldest. So as shitt as it sounds thats my escape from him, and I talked to my 4 year old about not having the same house or same room. I told him he would have the same dresser and bed and toys, it just be a different room and he’s kind of understanding of it, slowly. I just tell myself just wait a month
This Situation is Toxic and is Hurting Your Daughter!!!
I will be the unpopular one- you never mentioned abuse but harassment. If you aren’t happy then you leave. Get a job (if you don’t have one) save your money and go do you. It doesn’t appear you are the victim just an unhappy, unsatisfied woman/wife and no longer want him. He shouldn’t have to leave, you’ve made the decision so you make the moves. If you are married “still” living under the same house, I would ask questions too. And it does sound like you would like to leave (here and there) leaving your daughter so she can start to adjust to a separate house. It sounds like you “may” have someone already on the side but that’s just my thoughts. Not that they truly matter, you already know what you plan to do.
If you can’t leave like stated at the beginning then where would you go a few days a week to get away? Why is that not an option to just leave for good? If you are the one who wants out I think you’re the one that needs to move.
By your post, there’s no way to tell who’s actually the toxic one here - you or him. You are still married, yet running off. You say he simply refuses to believe it’s over BUT you still live in the house, you are still under a unit even if you claim you’re separated and you leave your kid. Sorry, hun, no where did I get the impression that he’s an awful person.
Does the leavin for a few days involve staying with a male or having your daughter stay with as well? If so that’s the worse way to introduce this new start to your child
Get an attorney and go from there. That’s your first step. I was in this exact same situation a year ago. Feel free to message me if you see this comment.
I was in this same situation when my son was 18 months old…I had to plan for months to leave.
I had asked his Dad to leave our rental for months and he refused, it was horribly toxic and a very dark time in my life.
I packed up our stuff while he was at work and temporarily moved my son to my parents house….My ex came home and tried to hit me with his car, and broke a bunch of stuff in our shared rental, he also took my phone and shattered it against the floor. I had to call the police - from the police station because it was a Sunday and I did not have a phone…had to use the ‘emergency phone’ in the station lobby.
My son was safe at my parents house the whole time. Very scary, but I applied for an emergency restraining order and my ex went to jail for the weekend.
It is probably better to get a temporary custody agreement in place with a lawyer, and move in with family until you can get on your feet.
Uuuuh. Call the cops on him and kick him out?
your 4 yr old will be fine, just take her & leave, If you leave her with him ‘for a few days’ He can file for temporary custody of her while you are gone. Just a thought, So take her & go
Get the locks changed after you obtain a lawyer and restraining order
This is ridiculous, and these comments🤔
You wanted to end the relationship, but didn’t leave? Now you don’t understand why your husband isn’t “accepting” you are done? Because you aren’t done. You still live there, and I’m going to presume still talk to him. He’s probably as confused as we are. You want him to what? Pay your way, watch your kid for you to go out, but you don’t want the relationship. You want two separate households under one roof? I’d be crazy too. I’d probably say some hurtful things to my husband if he put me in that situation and just expected me to deal with it. It’s been months, you have had plenty of time to leave. You apparently didn’t want to until now that it is inconvenient for you. If you can leave for a few days you can leave permanently. You also didn’t mention whether or not when you go “hang out” whether your child goes or not. If she does, just another reason why he’d be asking who you are with and where. I know I would as would most every mother on here. While you have every right to end a relationship at anytime for any reason, you can’t expect to do it this way and your husband just be ok. You need to leave. This entire situation is toxic for everyone.
Girl bye. U ain’t slick. U tryna go stay with your side dude a few days out the week. Tryna get us on your side.
Important questions here do you rent or own the place your living who’s name is on the property and why aren’t you able to leave is it abuse or are you just broke besides his income plus I agree with the unpopular opinion if your unhappy and decided your done unless the case is abuse then call for help out of the situation you should really be the one who’s looking for a new place to stay why is it he is suppose to just leave the house especially with the fact you wanna leave a few days a week do you have a place you plan to stay or money put aside enough for a hotel also is the harassment and putting down just being confused and wanting to work on the relationship or actual harassment of being controlling just some things to think about I guess
You’re gonna make things worse until youre gone completely.
What I can tell you, if the situation is bad and truly more than just disagreements, this is my advice. Go to court and file for separation/divorce (whichever is better suited for your situation and cost). Get the cops involved and ask them to remove him. Make the report, take the report to your landlord and say you want him off the lease and the locks changed. Your daughter shouldnt have to leave her home and comfortability because he refuses to leave
HOWEVER, if you jist want a divorce because you feel there’s no fixing things (you have all right to want to be single and end this properly), then I suggest you go to couples councilling first. You both need to be open to the idea of open communication and hearing your partners perception of you without getting mad and with the ability to compromise and make changes. If it doesnt work out then at least you are both aware of why and can hopefully agree to a divorce and he leaves
Ummm. Don’t leave with out your daughter and don’t sleep at another dudes house. Let him know where u will be…If you want to get away either stay with a friend or a family member.
That’s tough. I dont wish it on anyone
It’s not over until you file for divorce and/or move out…you don’t gave the right to kick him out of the house anymore than he can kick you out. I just feel bad for your kid.
Nope. Do what you have to do.
No it’s not horrible to want to get your daughter adjusted to living without her dad 24/7 as she would be used too…children are very resilient and attuned to their mothers moods etc so she will understand if and when you do leave…to everyone judging this mother for not just leaving or for being toxic first try and see it from her point of view…sometimes it’s not as easy to just leave…especially if your mental and emotional state has been broken down by the constant out downs or lack of support from your spouse…don’t judge other women…nowhere did she mention anything about being paid anything…until you yourselves are in a situation like this who are you to judge…so what if she’s been living in the house for 5 months? You don’t know how long she’s been with her husband or why she’s decided to end things…it’s not easy to just leave everything your used too and start over…maybe she’s afraid to start all over again with her daughter…do what you need to do…be strong and do what feels right for you…don’t year this woman down…we should be building her up…leaving someone you married or loved is hard enough…you already know.what you want to do and implement the.change you want to.see …I wish you luck mama
Take your kid and leave , don’t leave her behind .
Don’t do it without consulting with an attorney. He can use that against you.
Stay with family or find a place. He doesn’t have to move out until you go to court. Get the divorce filed. No matter what u do always keep your kid with u.
I want to know why you think you have a right to kick him out anymore than he has a right to kick you out? Sounds like he wants to make the marriage work and you don’t. You should move out.
Talk to a lawyer.
In some states, if you leave, he can change the locks and file abandonment.
You need to file for divorce & start working on either moving or getting him out.
Who owns the house. If it’s yours, have him forcibly removed if he refused to leave. If its in his name, leave it. You left him. You don’t get to use him to watch your kid while you go out and do whatever you want, to pay your bills and other shit. If the house is in both of your names, figure it out. Who can afford the house without the other person. If both of you can, then figure out who leaves. Typically it would be you bc you left. On the other hand, you shouldn’t just assume you’re going going keep your kid either. Maybe she would be better off living with her dad and having visits with you.
His reaction is warranted. You may have told him you’re done but you didn’t go anywhere. You still sleeping sleeping the bed with him, is one of you on the couch for a few months ?
You. Left. Him.
So leave already. Figure out what you’re both going to be doing with the house and your daughter and leave. Stay with a friend/family until you find a place. Put your shit in a storage unit until it happens, but dont use him if you’re not in a relationship.
You do realize staying in a toxic household can cause long term emotional damage for your child right? I’d just find a way to move out even if it means staying with a relative for a little bit. He obviously still has feelings for you and you can’t blame him for that, you’re staying in the same household which is only giving him hope for a reconciliation. Just get your priorities in order and move out with your child.
Do not leave her. He can use that against you. Do you have anyone you can stay with? Any resources in your community to help you get on your feet?
If you are in the same house hold your husband will think there’s a possibility of getting you back. You should move out ASAP.
Go file properly. Don’t leave the house or you’ll sacrifice it. Have him served. Just tape it to your own front door for him
Neither of you have more rights to.the house than the other. Maybe he needs more time to adjust if he’s still wanting to be together. I’d look for somewhere else to live and then rake your daughter with you. Until custody is sorted it could look like you’ve left and abandoned your daughter . Tricky situation for you both xx
If you do leave and don’t bring your daughter the family courts will look at it as if you were willing to leave her and would affect custody. Which you should file for right away and for child support. I recommend not going unless it’s permanent and with her.
Divorces are not so quick. In my state, minimum of 3 months in case you want to reconcile but mine took years. Go see a lawyer and file now then figure the rest out.
You wanted the divorce you broke up with him so figure out how to move simple
Get your money and plan together. If he won’t leave, you leave. Sort the custody and house out through your lawyer. See a lawyer before you leave your child or house.
I’m sorry but some of these comments are outrageous…
So what this women didn’t want to be with her husband anymore. So what if she has another dude. So what if she wants to spend a couple nights with him. She obviously is no longer with the husband and is separated. Men do this shit all the time and everyone always comments about what the women did wrong, never what he did wrong.
Why is it if a man didn’t want his wife anymore and wanted to spend a few nights out of the week gone and leave their child with her, then it’s just fine and dandy but since a women wants to do it, she’s getting backlash. Women and moms need breaks too.
Dad should be plenty capable of watching THEIR child for a few
You should consult a lawyer, start the divorce process and in the divorce papers state what you want custody to be. Just don’t be bitter about it, just because he was a bad husband doesn’t mean he was a bad father.
And move out stop making this harder then it needs to be
If you leave, it’s considered abandonment, especially if you leave your daughter behind.
You need to take your daughter and leave. Go to a shelter. Do whatever you have to get away from him. File for immediate custody and divorce. You have to take care of you and your daughter.
If you were planning to leave you should’ve left. If you own the house he needs to go but yeah right now I can only imagine the amount of stress and anxiety this is causing that child.
Go to your local Salvation Army, they have temporary housing for wives/mothers and children in cases like yours and will help you find a job if needed and a permanent place to live.
Do not leave her she can lock you out and keep her from you until you divorce him and cops will do nothing. I would look into a friend or family to stay with until you can get back on your feet. I went thru a nasty separation 4 yrs ago we ended up working things out but I was such a toxic situation that even 4 yrs later it still effects my kids and its something I would never put them thru again. Maybe tell him you will try to work it out after you get space to get him out of the house. And maybe space you will change you mind maybe not but it might be a way to get him to leave. If not I would try all my options to get out.
File for a legal separation right away. And get a custody agreement in place. Technically you can’t just take your daughter and go somewhere without his permission. You’re also f’ed if you leave your daughter with him and go. Do it the legal way to protect your rights.
I would never ever leave my children if things were going side ways. Things can get nasty and go sideways fast.
If u financially can’t leave the house then leaving for a few days a week to keep ur sanity n refocus n replan is fine as long u take kido with u I wouldn’t nessesarly leave ur child w him till u know u. An trust he won’t do anything outta spite because of u
Depends on where your going. If your going too another guy’s house, don’t take your daughter. If it’s a safe, friendly environment then yes absolutely. Also maybe go too counceling with your partner so that you guys can have help separating.
You have got to file. Legally both of you get the house and it’ll have to be decided in that. Plus being served will show you’re serious. And if he gets too aggressive do what you need to do and look into legal aid. Not much legally can be done and you have to out your foot down that it’s none of his business anymore and you’re working on making this permanent.