I have 3 children. 1 boy 2 girls. My girls father and I split 6 months ago. Since then we do a joint custody agreement. 1 week with him 1 week with me and it’s been incredibly hard on the girls. They are used to mama. Within this 6 months I’ve recently met a guy. I adore him. Hes so grown up so kind I feel safe with him. I really wanna see where it goes but then heres my ex wanting to get back together. I just feel so torn in this situation. If I stay with my girls dad I gotta worry about my son feeling left out but I can have my girls all the time. If I move on with this other guy I’m loosing my girls every other week . If I stay I can call the shots with my kids if I go I loose everything. I feel like if I pick this guy I’m picking him over my children. I dont know what to do it’s been a emotional battle past week. I feel so trapped.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'm torn between moving on but staying for my children
You should always do what is best for your kids . Only YOU will know what that is
Do what is best for your children.
First your kids will adjust to the new visitation schedule. NEVER stay for the benefit of the kids. Do what’s best for you and your children take all men out of the equation.
You always put ur kids 1st! I don’t want a new guy around my twin girls ever!!! I have up dating since they were born and they ate my #1 priority! Men can wait!!! U don’t want to add anymore confusion to the girks life! 6 months is a bit too soon, now? Concentrate on those kids, not men! U could be opening up a whole new bad situation!!
Girl ex’s are ex for reason!
There’s a reason you split from your girls father-can you guarantee this reason isn’t going to crop up again? Are you in love with the girls father? There’s a lot to weigh up on both sides of this. Maybe even list the pros and cons and work forward from there x
Depending on the reason you split- I know first hand, you CANNOT MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK FOR KIDS. If you’re not happy, no ones happy. When I left my ex husband years ago we split 50/50 custody. It was rough, I’m not going to lie. Our youngest was just over a year old at the time. BUT, it made me the best damn mom. I was able to find myself, I was able to be there 100% for my kids because I wasn’t worried about having a spotless house for him every night when he got home, I wasn’t focused on having his dinner on the table the second he walked in the door, I wasn’t worried about what the next fight would be about. I wasn’t worried about my children seeing me unhappy anymore.
Children are resilient. They will adapt. In order to make your babies happy, you have to be happy. I lost everything in my divorce. I picked my a** up off the floor, bought a house for myself and my children and completely started over. It was the best damn decision I ever made. I co parented with a narcissist for 4 years and finally now after 4 years, we can truly CO PARENT. It wasn’t easy, there were times in the past I wanted to give up but he’s finally realized it’s not about us, it’s about our children.
Put your kids first!!!
You can date later
Yall split for a reason what those kids need to see is their mommy happy so do what makes u happy
Never stay for the kids its unhealthy
Get rid of both make a life for your children on your own. Sue
Your ex is an ex for a reason. Don’t go back to an unhappy situation. Your kids will see that you’re unhappy. They honestly want a happy mom and dad… Now I understand putting your kids first. That’s always priority number one… However it’s hard on the girls now because it’s new and they have to adjust. I’m not saying it will always be easy but they will adjust to the schedule. And you and their dad need to try to coparent. (although not everyone is able to due to one party wanting to be in control of everything). I’m also not saying bring the guy around. You can still date him and see where it goes without you bringing the kids into the mix. But understand your kids come first and he will need to understand as well. And if it when the time is right you can introduce him to the kids. But moving in doesn’t mean you lose everything. Not unless you move on somewhere else leaving the kids behind
You need to step back & take a breather. Take 6mo to a year (or longer if you decide you need it!) to find yourself. Let your daughters adjust to their life as it is now- don’t commit to anyone but yourself & your daughters. If either of these men are meant to be in your life they will be there when you are ready & able to decide for yourself what is best for you & your daughters.
It will be harder on your kids if you stay and you are not happy. You and your children will adjust to the schedule with time.
Don’t stay with someone if you’re unhappy and don’t stay just because of the kids
Don’t stay for the kids because they will see it. My daughter just turned 30 and she came up to me and told me she was sorry that I stayed with her dad because of her and her sister instead of making myself happy too. Just don’t do it because kids can pick up on it.
Try adjusting the way you do visitation… one week on and one week off is not the only joint custody option
Do not make your decision based on this new man. Do not stay for your kids, the children will adjust. But it doesn’t mean you have to jump into a new relationship either.
You will waste your life trying to keep a relationship for the sake of the children. There is room for you to be happy too. The kids will be more well adjusted, happier, and healthier in time. Especially if they see that you are.
Six months take time for yourself get yourself an order and your kids before you put someone else in your life what’s the hurry
Don’t go back just to have your girls more. Bc the custody can easily be changed, if u both can agree. I have printed doc, get notarized and turn into court system. I split joint kids with me Sun-Wed and with their Dads Thur-Sat and I take them a weekend to see family. I’d really consider the main problems and know if u can overcome. If not stick with the new man & do what makes you happy
Ex for a reason you dont just stay with someone for the kids , i made that mistake worst time off my life , ask your self will you be happy going back , a broken home is better than an unhappy home i dont want to share my son but i have to it takes 2 to make a baby they are not just our babies x
Choose your kids first
Theres also plenty of other ways and routines . My sons at his dads twice a week one week 3 days the next x
But don’t be so quick to rush into another relationship its a set up for failure your EX is a EX for a reason
Wtaf? Firstly, you don’t make decisions about children based on any new person in your life.
Being with a ex just for the kids means bringing them up in an unhappy home, been there done that, doesn’t work. You’re gonna have to realise they’re both your girls, they will get used to it and so will you.
The fact that you’re even asking this means you haven’t got a clue where your head is at. Leave them both alone.
Don’t choose the new guy, or your ex. Choose your children.
Some ppl do every other weekend for other parents Or every other weekend plus one week out of the month.
Your children should always come 1st in life , not any man . And any mom who chooses a man over her children is not a good mom I’m my book , sorry thats just how I feel . Every relationship is great in the beginning, but don’t mean it will stay that way . You had children with the father so it is best to try to make it work with him if possible, it’s long as it dont hurt the children. You are putting your love life before your children not good .
Never put a man before your kids. Ever.
Do not stay for the kids it will end in the end. If you think your marriage can be truly saved the try but if you don’t love him anymore do whats best for everyone and move on. Does it suck losing your kids half the time absolutely but I would rather have my kids half the time and everyone adjust and be happy vs have them all the time and everyone still be miserable bc I’m not happy.
Happy Mother … Happy Children.
You Don’t !! Stay with someone you don’t love, especially as it’s already over and you have moved on with someone else.
Calling the shots?
You already do that with actions.
So be the Parent, guide them through the separation and don’t go back.
They will adapt.
By making a decision that makes you happy will make your kids happy. If you are not happy even if you do not voice it bluntly it will come out in subtle ways that could affect your kids more negatively than a custody arrangement. As for your girls my daughter had a hard time at first with the same arrangement but eventually adjusted, if he’s willing and is a good dad they need to learn to count on him and build a relationship that is strong with him. When it was hard I always thought of it this way. If my daughter went every other weekend and depended on me more than her dad and a tragic accident occurred and I was no longer around would adjusting to life without me and having to adjust to an environment she was rarely in going to be to much? Will she have built a strong enough connection with her dad to share her struggles or would she feel uncertain and bottle them up?
Kids need happy parents. Kids come first in many ways. But you cannot sacrifice your mental welbeing.
Put your children first over any man
You should stay single
honestly, ive always been told “if you ever have a choice between 2 people, choose the second one, because if you loved the first, you wouldnt even be looking for another”.
i know its hard to move on, because you had your whole life planned & pictured with the father of your children…. but not everything works out the way we hoped, & mama you are NOT the first to deal with this & you arent the last. also what ive heard, is that 1 week on & 1 week off is too hard on the children as its too long of a time apart. ive heard the 4-3-3, works better. maybe try re-visiting a new visitation schedule & see if that helps everyone?
do not stay for the kids … it does not work . in the long run will hurt them more. ur hearts moved on follow it
Put your children FIRST! I’m sure when you started dating your girls dad you felt all this excitement, etc. you need to grow up and put your kids first!!
Ml ml m.p ml ml ml no no no ml mo lol o,
Go with what makes you happy. Kids love to see there mother happy . Staying for kids will only make you miserable and the kids .
Pick yr children leave both the men and concentrate on yourself and yr children. U can masterbate wen u need sex
Yikes to the people telling you that you can’t put your children first and make yourself happy at the same time.
If your girls are struggling find a new schedule, do monthly things as a fam if possible find solutions but don’t make yourself miserable to be with a man you don’t love.
Don’t get back with your ex unless you love him and see a future with him. Idk about new guy either, could be a good situation or not. Can just stay single for now and if it works with new guy eventually then great! Your children don’t “win” just bc mom and dad stay together - if it’s loveless and/or toxic , they will notice that and normalize it in their future relationships! Sometimes splitting up is better for the kids, even if it’s hard to not see them 100% of the time.
If your ex is offering to you to do as you wish as long as you leave your little boy with him and you take your two girls, that is quite the mentality right there. Imagine what they would teach your son? Your daughters? And ultimately you are still being a doormat for your ex.
Your kids will adjust to shared custody, but it takes time and also speaking supportively about said shared custody for them to accept this is a positive situation.
As above posters have mentioned, choices about children should never be made around a new romantic partner and their permeates in your life.
I’d you have to pick, pick the second one. Your kids will get use to the new situation. Yeah, it’ll be hard on them, but momma deserves to be happy too. You can’t wait until they’re grown to be happy. One day they will realize that.
Slow down a bit. 6 months is not enough time to make those decisions. Especially if you are having these second thoughts. Don’t settle or make any plans yet.
Do what makes you happy. If the kiddos are safe it’s okay to share. I’m going through the same thing.
6 months isn’t long enough to know any man well enough to put him before your children. Most partnerships are still on best behaviour/ honeymoon stage at that point.
Not saying it won’t work- but make your decision slowly and wisely
Especially if you’re even considering going back with your ex for whatever reason. I’d also say you should never plough the same field twice!!!
Children thrive on routine and love. IMO it’s too early to introduce sometime else to them. Concentrate on you! When you are certain of what you want, make your decision xx
Honestly you need to leave the men out of the equation for now. Don’t make major life decisions based on another man who could be out of the pic again in a few months. Maybe take some time and seek counseling. Your not the first mama to go through this, it is hard!! It takes time for everyone to adjust. Allow yourself and your kids time to heal before jumping in with either man. If your ex or this new man really care for you, they will understand and give you space to heal.
Well you haven’t been with this guy very long their is no reason you and your ex need to rush back into things be together but don’t immediately move back in together date again for a while make it work have some fun with it if that’s the way you go second this née guy is just that very new you have no idea what skeleton he has in his closet yet and I can promise we all have them and some are very good at hiding them for a while !! Don’t run into anything when you have children best advice I was ever given !!! You don’t have to choose but I would go slow with ex if that’s the way you go and extremely slow with new guy !! Good luck I wish the best for your children and yourself
No. You’re not picking ‘this guy’ you are choosing happiness. No matter if you’re in a relationship with the new guy or someone else, you’re still splitting your girls 50/50 with their dad. If you’re not happy your kids can not only feel your energy but they can see the way you feel by how you act. Sometimes it’s okay not to be in control, see what life is giving you. I personally would sit down and have a talk with your ex about fixing the custody agreement just say when you made it you weren’t aware of how hard it was going to be and see if you both can come up with something that’s better.
The lack of concern for your son is troubling.
You need to find yourself first and not worry about another man. Get situated with your kids!
You do not choose a man over your children.
Best choice I made was moving on from my ex! I met another guy and he is so amazing to me and my children! He claims my children as his owns and treats them no different then his! Me an my ex also shared custody 50/50! But the best choice I ever made was leaving my children’s father and finding a man that truly loves me AND my children! I couldn’t have asked for a better man/father figure!
6 months … I am saying that very. very. very slowly …
If getting back with your ex would make you unhappy and your son, don’t do it! Find a different schedule that will be better for your girls. Maybe every weekend with dad or every other weekend and 2 days during the week. That’s how me and my husband did it when we were split up for a little while and it was the best schedule for us and for our babies! I didn’t have to go a whole week without seeing my boys and neither did he and our kids loved seeing both of us!
What. About females who get pregnant by a guy who maybe seeing 6months? Think that’s entrapment
6 months is too early to know the second person.
I understand your situation and I want you to be happy, don’t rush with that guy and also wait for a little with your ex.
You never know People change if they want to.
Children are really important and with all respect for other people’s comments. I don’t trust promises from the second guy, especially with your kids.
To me kids come first, it’s my opinion. sorry
I hope this helps.
Choose your children over anything and everything
Don’t pick. Raise your kids by yourself…After they are grown then find someone.
Why would your son feel left out if you got back together with his sisters’ father? If he does not treat your son like he does the daughters is this really a question? Focus on the kids not your relationship.
There’s alot of good suggestions. I want to definitely second that your happiness is what will matter most to your girls down the road. It will be hard and it will take some time for all involved to adjust. Seeing positive and healthy relationships will demonstrate what kind of relationship they should be in and be able to see signs that indicate otherwise. You and your ex may be wonderful people and parents separately, yet if you do not mash and go back, to your girls it shows that’s what a relationship should look like.
Can you live without men in your life? I’d recommend telling ex husband to fuxk off, yall broke up for a reason. And continue to get to know the man. You’re not “choosing” a man over your kids, you’re putting 2 men before your kids no matter how you look at it. Learn to live by yourself and coparent with your ex first before you go making long term decisions with another man so soon after a break up. Get to know him first. Get past the honeymoon stage. Get to know what your kids want, what works best for them so you and ex can coparent peacefully without him trying to get in your pants or the kids thinking that you two will only be happy around them if yall are together.
If going with the new man would cost your relationship with your children, well then, there is no further discussion. And your kids should not be put on the choices, they’re the priority, unless…
No Brainer here children came first whether you choose any man first you need to learn what you want and need set priorities and boundaries write down. Good luck
Choose your children, forget both men, and pray for the best situation possible every day.
Kids 100% and maybe give your kids dad a chance. Time apart may have been what he needed. This new guy is a distraction, the honeymoon period will end
Put your kids first. You’ve been with dude 6 months. It’s not serious like the relationship you have with your kids. If hes worth it he’ll wait. It should be longer cause do you truly know him well enough After 6 months? I think you should wait a couple years so you’re not step daddy hopping and to make sure itll work out and to give your kids a chance to meet him and see how they get along.
Choose your kids over everything and anything
To death do we part.
I’m going to say this because it seems some people are super judgmental. Your happiness matters. If you’re unhappy in a relationship with their father than at that point you need to stay separated. If you truly believe it’s not the relationship you the rest of your life. Lots of parents deal with custody, or not having their kids and that just becomes apart of their life. You’re still able to be the best mom you can even if it’s every other week. One day your kids will understand when they see you in a relationship where you actually feel love.
Never ever ever stay for the sake of the children
Don’t stay ‘for the kids’. Any time anyone says they want to stay for their kids, it means that person isn’t actually happy and in the long run, the kids will not benefit from watching mommy and daddy have a forced relationship. I left my daughter’s father for somewhat similar reasons because I didn’t want her growing up thinking that the way our relationship was is how it’s supposed to be.
If you’re not happy with Dad, move on. The two of you can work it out like adults and even compromise with the children to see what they like as well. But you gotta make sure you’re happy too, momma.
Sounds like you need to choose you and your children, not one man or another. Unhappy married parents are much harder for children rather than happy separated parents who co parent in a healthy way. Change is always hard until it’s not. But you have to give that time.
Sounds like you shouldn’t be entertaining a new relationship already. You don’t fix 1 issue with getting in a new relationship. Then you’ll have 4 kids & still asking the same question.
Put your kids first im not saying get back with your husband but dont do what other women do give yourself some time with them and really settle your feelings girl! And you just met him too think with your head not your heart and your kids come first
Which dude you Love? It didn’t work out the first time. It ain’t gonna work the second. They say once you leave don’t go back.
You are picking the guy over your kids.
me and my ex split years ago. we do the same thing. our 14 yr old has 1 week with me and a week with his dad. it was hard for him to get adjusted but he finally made it work for him. kids are resilient. yes we must choose our kids first and foremost. but the fact of the matter is, our children need for us to be happy. of we put ourselves on situations we are not happy physically, mentally and emotionally it does wear on the kids. do what your gut is telling you to do. forget judgemental people who say stay with the ex because your kids come first. if that isn’t what makes you happy then don’t do it. if it makes you happy do it
I would suggest thinking about what’s best for the kids long before yourself. That doesn’t mean staying wherever you’re not happy, it also doesn’t mean jumping into a new relationship. In both situations the kids lose. It’s ok to just be you and your kids for a while.
You don’t know someone well enough after 6 months to move anywhere. And you don’t have to get back with your ex either. Just stay single.
You are emotionally torn because it’s only been 6 months. You need to give yourself time so you know if you are even over your previous relationship. Not to mention so you can help your kids adjust. I would drop the new guy and just work on you, maybe that will bring you back to your ex or move you on to something else, but 6 months is probably too soon to tell
I wouldnt move so fast with the new guy and nor would I get back with my ex. I would give it more time to reflect and make sure my feelings are valid. As much as we are suppose to choose are kids first ppl have to realize we must be happy and mentally healthy in order for are kids to be happy and not feel the effects of bad mental health. Give it more time.
Kids come first but don’t go back to chaos!
Your ex may just want you because he knows you have met someone. He may see the light back in your eyes and it draws him to you. Why did yall seperate? How long did you deal with whatever was going on before you left? I wouldnt go back unless he agreed to counseling first of all. Are you married to the girls dad? If you are you should try to work it out if he will go to counseling. If he wont then dont go back because thats a sure sign he doesn’t see any wrong doing on his part and he isnt willing to change. Also to the contrary your girls will adjust. 6 months isnt enough time. It will take longer. Remember this new relationship is just that!! Its new! You probably felt the same way with the girls dad when it was new. The new wears off and the honeymoon phase does not last. Thats not real love anyways. Real love is going through hell together and refusing to give up on each other. Waking up each day and choosing to love your spouse no matter how mad they mad you yesturday. Love your spouse like Jesus loves the church! I pray that you will ask GOD what to do above all we say to do. Because he knows above all else what is right for you and your life:pray:
Everytime the honey-moon period is over,you move on.Aren"t you worried about how many sets of kids you gonna have?Also remember that,children learn more from your actions than your preaching.Grow up and focus on bringing NOT messed up kids.Your kids need your love and attention more than the fantasy of a moment guy.
I totally understand, but you just met this guy n you don’t really know his bad sides yet. If your husband is remorseful and he’s willing to treat you better I’ll honestly advice you to go back to your husband and be with your family kids. Your kids should come first
First of all, I finally left my toxic, horrible relationship after years of being unhappy and within the first 7-8 months after, i found my husband. Got married 6 months later. Now we have a son and our family is full of love and happiness. Dont listen to anyone telling you that you cant know in such a short time.
My daughter flies to her dads and stays for 3 weeks at a time, its so hard to miss things, but you can use that time apart to accomplish things you need to.
I would suggest moving forward slowly whichever route you take. Dont let your ex go back to how it was before you left, and dont rush into things with the new guy. Take it slow and maybe be single for a while and figure out what YOU want, things will happen how they are supposed to and i say that from experience
From one mom to another, I will tell you my experience. My exes family dishes out money for the best lawyer, and 17 months of fighting, I gave up and gave him custody. The kids suffered enough. He was good to them, just not good to me. When they were teens, I ended up moving to Montana for 7 years. I missed my kids terribly. So I moved back. I was back 7 years, when my son was in a fatal accident at work. He was a logger. He cut down trees. He didn’t see it, but the last tree he cut down had a dead limb in the next tree. When his tree fell, the branch in the next tree came down with it and killed him. I am not trying to scare you, but accidents happen. Sometimes they are a vehicle, or other ways. I’m so glad I moved back and got some good time spent with him. You do whats best in your situation
If you’re even contemplating get back with your ex, you shouldn’t be considering getting serious with a new guy. I agree with the others not so much about the timeframe but about needing to focus on yourself. Clearly some unsettled feelings with ex can’t let you be fully with another. Don’t worry about either man and worry about yourself. Your children need a mentally healthy mom. Do that for yourself.
We’re missing the reason as to why you and baby daddy split in the first place. Why did you leave him? Was it for the right reasons? If so you don’t wanna get caught back into that situation and get stuck to where you can’t leave. I also wouldn’t suggest moving on so soon either. I’d take the time to focus in yourself and your kids and then reevaluate the situation later with baby daddy and see where things are. Then maybe suggest moving on. I understand you want your girls full time again and if you get with baby daddy again. But at the same time if you look at it,that makes you a pawn in his game knowing he can control the situation by keeping you there for the kids sake. You don’t want that’s
Kids always come first
Kids want a happy mom, not a perfect one. Remember that!!!
An ex is a ex for a reason, and you even say if you stay with your girls dad you worry about your son feeling left out, this says enough, to know, it’s not a good situation. It will be hard having to share custody of your girls, but will be worse if you are in a relationship that makes you depressed or worried for your son.
Sounds like you need to grow up and sort yourself out instead of looking for the easy way out of everything. And is your son really so insignificant to you that he doesn’t factor in?
How about do what’s best for your children,stay away from men and concentrate on raising your children,this back and forth is not something you want your girls to see, let your children see a strong independent woman Who teaches good family values
What? Stop playing games and get a lawyer.