My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, and we have 3 children. I didn’t realize it at first, but from the very start of our relationship, he has had an addiction to pornography. I understand some people are perfectly fine with their partner watching porn, but we both established from the beginning that for us, it is cheating. I would see that he was watching it on his phone, and we would talk about it. I would express that it makes me uncomfortable and hurts my feelings, and he would promise he’d never do it again, ect. This has went on for almost 6 years. But there have been a few instances where it hurt me worse than usual and I just can’t get past it. For example, I have a lot of self confidence issues with myself. It was my birthday, I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and go to the beach in a bathing suit. I spent forever online finding a bathing suit, hoping that he would love it. It came and I tried it on, he said he loved it. But within an hour on his phone, he was looking at all these photos online of other “perfect looking” women in bikinis. And it just brought me down further. Another instance, I would buy clothing items online (bras, ect.) and after I got them, he would go to the review section of said clothing items and get off to the photos that other women left with their review of the item. Or when I have given birth, the first night home from the hospital he was looking at porn. At a certain point over the years of trying so hard to just be enough for him, I have kind of fallen out of love in that way. I still very much care about him, he’s an amazing person and a great father. But I have tried and tried to forgive and look past certain things, and I just can’t. He doesn’t make me feel beautiful anymore, and I don’t feel the same way about him that I used to. I guess I’m just looking for some advice on how you would feel or what you would do in my case? I know this was long, thank you in advance.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'm unhappy in my relationship and I don't know how to fix it
Honestly, porn doesn’t bother me at all. Both my husband and I watch a healthy amount. BUT the fact that your husband got off to other women from reviews in the same clothes is disgusting (in my opinion). That is purely disrespectful. My husband watches porn, but still makes me feel loved, secure, and beautiful. When a man neglects his wife for porn there is a problem.
Porn addiction is really tough, and i congratulate you on putting up with it for so long. I do believe you may be at the end of your marriage. Watching porn is one thing, but to ignore you for porn is not ok on any level. Personally, I believe I would leave if I were you, and this is coming from someone who sees no issues with porn.
I actually can’t believe some of the comments here. It’s not about your personal view of porn. They set boundaries together early on in the relationship and he blatantly disrespects those boundaries. He is her partner she should be on a pedestal to him as the most amazing, beautiful woman in the world and he is not treating her as such. She has fallen out of love with him due to the disrespect. She deserves more.
The way I see it, you have two options: marriage counseling and try to save the marriage, or leave. Either way, you need to work on your self esteem…no one can do that for you (SELF esteem). You will continue to struggle in relationships if you don’t work on loving yourself and your confidence issues. Insecurities cause so many problems in a relationship. If you don’t like your body any more, either do something about it until you do or go to counseling to work through your body image issues. What he is doing, doing things that he knows make you feel bad, is unacceptable. If you feel strongly enough about it and he is unwilling to change, leave. If you do not love him anymore, leave. But please work on your issues with yourself before getting into another relationship. You will be so much happier if you do. You need to love yourself first.
All the other stuff doesn’t matter. You said you don’t love him anymore. So you should leave and be happy.
I went through this exact scenario. When people say oh all men watch it, what they aren’t realizing is it takes away the intimacy with your husband to the point where they may not even be able to have sex without it. It has been four years since I left and it’s still a mind fuck. My partner now is not like that at all, but unfortunately the insecurity caused from the first didn’t just disappear.
U have to love urself first before u try to have a healthy relationship with someone. Allowing ur issues to spill over on to someone else isn’t fair to them and then say they are part of the problem isnt right. U have to fix ur insecurities urself before telling ur husband to fix his problems. U are responsible for ur own happiness not anyone else.
Sounds exactly like my first marriage, like this almost felt like I was reading my bio. I too had 3 kids with my ex and we constantly had those discussions yet nothing would change and he was so addicted he couldn’t go a day without it. He would rather get off to that then with me. Unlike your husband my ex would constantly put me down and tell me not to eat a single fun sized KitKat because I’d just gain my baby weight back (I weighed 110, less than before my pregnancy) yet eat an entire box of little Debbie cakes 5 minutes later, so that part is different but the rest is the same. Honestly it’s been 8 years and I still struggle with how my ex made me feel for 9 years and it effects my body image and my 2nd marriage. I try not to let it but I spent to many years feeling that way it’s hard to get over.
Unfortunately there’s no quick fix for his porn addiction and unless he wants to get over it this will be your life If you stay with him. I do wish I could tell you there’s a quick fix to your self esteem but there isn’t. I just know even with the issues that still creep up every now and then all these years later from it I’m a thousand times happier than I ever was with him. My advice would be leave him and don’t look back. I’m so sorry you have to go through this and I wish you luck in the future.
Sometimes we make it hard for people to love us when we dont love ourselves.
Start by loving yourself. Ignore what he is doing. Love yourself so much then reevaluate the situation. It may take a while. But i promise you its a journey worth doing.
You are beautoful. You are enough. You are strong. 
You never know you may even enjoy sitting there watching porn together one day! 
Xz
For me when my ex did that I would ask for opinions and people would say he watches it because he isn’t happy but I also felt uncomfortable but slowly got used to it because unfortunately you can’t force him to stop and he’s made it clear to you he isn’t going to which is not good. He is literally trying to compare you to other women 
how insecure is he… don’t buy clothes to try and make him happy if he can’t see what he has then he doesn’t deserve you AT ALL. He only cares about his needs and wants.
Sorry I skipped some of the post but he sounds like a moron you don’t deserve any of that.
Why is the bar for men so low? Why does she have to accept this behavior because he’s a man/ its “normal”?
Its not. Disrespecting your partners boundaries is NOT okay. I think she deserves more, and shouldn’t have to settle with his bs. Imo if my husband was doing that I would make it very clear this is not the boundaries we agreed upon and he needs to get help\ work on his addiction or I would leave. Expect MORE from him love. Do not settle.
You should feel loved and valued in your marriage. Your husband should respect and value your opinion. I think this is a lot deeper than porn.
I hope you feel your worth. You need lots of self love and should definitely take a day to pamper yourself!.
You have decide first if you even want to make the marriage work. If you are still willing I would try therapy individual and couples. I’ve been with my husband 19 years and I’ve felt exactly how you feel but I pushed through and was able to find that love I had for him. But you have to do what’s best for you and your children. Individual therapy can help you make that decision.
I think you need to ask yourself can the trust ever be rebuilt between both of you? Cheating is one of the hardest things to forgive and sounds like he has a porn addiction.
Porn is not normal. Porn
makes real sex not seem real anymore. Porn gives people false expectations for sexual interaction. It’s not healthy if you rather watch porn than help for wife with your new brand new baby. My man gave up porn years ago. He considers it cheating now as well and he doesn’t even jerk off. If he doesn’t want to change and you don’t want to work to get those feelings back because the hurt has been to deep…then leave him but above all else learn to love yourself
I say since you wrote this looking for our opinion you already know in your heart of hearts the answer. He has a serious addiction and yes porn to his extent is cheating. I’m sure he would never get help for it because that’s a long road ahead of him and the fact you know you no longer love him it’s time to end things. Everyone deserves to be with someone that loves them no matter what size they are it’s not a job it is just the natural way to be. I’m sorry you are going through this but you will move on to better things and if you have 3 children you need to think of them if he does it often enough they are bound to catch on to it and it’s just not healthy for any of you. He’s sick, in denial and obviously unhappy with himself to behave like this. Best of luck to you for you deserve so much better!! Take care,
Kimberly
Girl you need to work on yourself before ever being in a relationship. Can’t expect him to do exactly what you want and porn is normal. You shouldn’t be each others happiness.
I think you two should separate and work individually on yourselves. Both go to individual counseling and then come back together as new people and maybe do couples counseling. Though, I don’t think it sounds like you need couple’s counseling. You’ve communicated, he understood, neither of you can move forward with your personal hang ups though.
I would ask him to go to counseling. If he won’t go, you go for your own happiness and stability. It does sound like a porn addiction and if he does have that and is not willing to change, then you have to make decisions about what you want. You’re at a crossroad.
If its an addiction, treat it like one.
Ask him to stop for 30 days, during that 30 days… rock his world. Show him that you want him! Men have insecurities and need to feel wanted and sexy too.
Thats so awful to do to your partner, your partner should be positive and do things that make you feel sexy and beautiful. Those saying it isn’t his job idk how they think that way. I dont mind porn but if its a constant thing then I do mind because he has a whole PARTNER. Id leave because my ex did shit similar to make me feel less confident and became more abusive the lower I felt. No one should make you feel less, not your partner or your friends.
You hit the nail on the head when you said you both established it was cheating. He has not respected that boundary for you over and over again. He doesn’t deserve you.
Sounds very similar to my marriage, on the birth of our 3rd child the first nite I was home with her I was with my other two children spending time while he was filming himself getting off in the bath and sending it to god knows who, I know it is hard but get out, u deserve so much better than that, no man on this earth should ever make a woman feel like its ok to do that or that ur feelings don’t matter, I still have a lot of trust issues but in working on them and I know I made the right decision when he left not to let him back, do what’s right for u and let go hun
Last chance counselng and or just let go. That hurts not going away unless his addiction just goes away. Trust me neither will
I feel like men watch porn when they are horny not because they look better than you. Maybe he has a high sex drive. There’s nothing wrong with the way you look. Love yourself, your beautiful. I would try spicing things up in the bedroom or having sex multiple times a day until he is fulfilled. Maybe he is looking up chicks online because he’s in the mood and wants to get off. It is disrespectful what he’s doing but If your still looking for solutions try having more sex with him. But if your just over it and you already tried all of that then do what you feel , if you want to leave then leave.
It’s not his job to make you feel good about yourself, that needs to come from you. It sounds like you both have issues that need dealing with not just your husband
Just leave you already ready it go to long ,if you leave then maybe be will wake up and get canceling but more than likely he won’t.
Spice up your love life a bit .He needs more than what you’re giving .
Every man watches Porn… I have no issues with it and watch it with him… asking him to not do it is a little ridiculous u ask me
Seems he needs professional help, porn addiction is a thing
Anyone who is saying that there are two options are at risk of remaining in toxic and abusive relationships and marriages. Making it work is no longer an option, you gave him chance after chance, you gave him 6 years of your life, and he’s continuously gaslighted you, and manipulated you, he’s broken promises and he’s lied, he’s mentally and emotionally tortured you and broke any semblance of confidence and security that you had about your body, and you even gave him children with that beautiful, beautiful body. Leave him. That’s the only thing that you can do to remain intact, to get out alive, and believe me, you’re not living. The only option is to pick yourself up, and leave a man who only has broken promises and only has pain for you, who has only disrespected you. It’s hard, but that’s the only way that you win, it’s the only way that you have a chance at happiness and confidence.
Does mom life ever post positive things??? Brings up everything negative about being a mom/ wife/ family member. People are supposed to lift each other up. Nothing like being the stick that breaks the camels back. How about encouraging moms who have it hard enough. Come on now. The power of positivity. Some positive joyous happy events posted here about motherhood and family life.
You need some professional help asap because unfortunately he’s not responsible for make you love yourself, what it’s his responsibility is respect you and clearly he’s not doing it when he was watching porn the first night from the hospital… but honestly watching porn is not cheating and if you get jealous of those woman, you seriously have a problem that only you can fix. You don’t feel about him life before, ok, but if you walk away from this relationship without healing your issues, you gonna find anything in any relationship that gonna make you feel less at certain point. If you are not comfortable with all this leave, Work with him as parents but remember, is your job love yourself first.
For all the women saying that she needs to work on herself first, she already said they both agreed porn was cheating but he does it right after a baby and jerking off to “perfect” looking women (and we all know it’s skinny) with the bathing suit she just bought in the reviews. After having a baby you’re physically hurt and tired and wanting help and find out your husband is too busy watching porn right after you just delivered his baby and It’s okay? Sounds like he has an addiction to porn. My ex would intentionally do it after a fight. Download his “variety” choices that he thinks he’s missing out on and jerk off at work as well (because he decided to tell me just to hurt me) When these ladies tell you, “at least he’s not cheating” that’s a stupid line. Because eventually it makes them want other things.
There are men out there that will love you for you and respect boundaries. If counselling won’t fix things. Life is short and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. You already said you talked to him and he’s still doing it for 6 years. He doesn’t care. Leave and be happy and show your kids what a happy relationship looks like for them.
I think you need some therapy, and self understanding. Saying you have confidence issues is not enough to fix this. You need to be strong, and also maybe some couples counseling is in order. He has an addiction as you say, so it would help both alot. Wishing you the best. But you need to move forward not backward. If you don’t love yourself, your next relationship will have the same issues revolving around your self consciousness.
Every marriage goes through this. Best overall advice- DONT ASK FOR ADVICE. Everyone will have their opinions and could easily influence your relationship. Which could be VERY bad! No one knows your relationship better than you. And while wanting advice and comfort and answers is all normal, sometimes it is best to just work it out amongst yourselves and not listen to other ppl… Good luck…
I’m in the same boat. The emotional wounds run deep. Thankfully we’re with supportive men now who understand and do everything within their power to build us up instead of constantly knocking us down.
Leave hes deliberately hurting you emotionally you get clothing then he goes online to find reviews of other women wearing them to masturbate he is purposely hurting you knowing exactly what he is doing mental and emotional abuse is what this is move on learn to love yourself and you will find someone to love you for you
So this is not about his porn addiction as much as it is about your own insecurities. Yes, if he has a porn addiction, that is a major issue, but the focus of everything you have said here has been about the way you feel about yourself an show he isn’t able to give you what you need. Porn is just a detail in bigger issues. Highly highly highly recommend couples therapy and therapy on your own so that you can both get an objective view and tools to deal with the whole package of things going on that neither of you are currently equipped to deal with.
Honey, only you can make YOU happy. Buy and wear things for you, not for him. Secondly, he’s crossing a clear boundary you set and constantly disrespects it! Sounds like you’ve talked until you are blue in the face. He needs help, as porn is an addiction.
From someone that has been in the same situation, you need to go. He will not change unless he wants and gets some type of counseling on sex addiction for success. His issue is not your problem. You need to surround yourself with positivity and your children. Good luck❤
Love yourself. U can’t change people. Dating is very difficult but I have always said being by yourself n happy is better than. Being miserable with someone else
My husband was addicted to porn too and i didnt know til i caught him. I got so mad and walked out and went to walk i told him that was cheating. I told him its either porn or me and he chose me and hasn’t watched it since. And were together for 7 years and have 2 kids… You just need to confront him about and make him choose…
Maybe marriage consoling, he also needs to handle his addiction. I’m sorry you are going through this ! Its not you.
Porn doesn’t bother me. My current husband and I watch a quite a bit. Now my XH was similar to your husband and it bothered me. We would watch together at first but when kids came in I couldn’t keep up to his need. 3 kids and he expected it 4-5 x a week. I couldn’t do it after having twins. And he did not help me around the house I even mowed grass w one twin in a pouch and the other in a back pack. So I get your frustration…that’s why he is a XH now. Best thing I ever did.
After 6 year of putting up with it you should already know what to do because hes showing he has other interests and by reading your not in the picture.its like when a person loves chevys but dodge came out with better production of truck so that what they went for.sit him down address the problem to him and watch hes eyes and espression that he would make on what your say should tell you every thing you need to know dont waste another 6 years if your not happen good luck
Love doesn’t cure addiction, and once your body depends on it to make it an addiction its possible, but hard to stop. With how it’s sounds he cannot even enjoy reality which is heart breaking…He should seek help because not only did this affect you, but if you ever do divorce it will also affect the next person if that’s their boundary. As a person you care for him and for doing such then I’m sure you’d want him to stop now only for others, but himself.
Im sorry all the hurt and pain that’s been caused, without addiction help it’s doubtful he would ever improve by himself without a group or change somewhere to get him out of that.
I would forgive, forgive, forgive thats what I do. I do not get out of the relationship. I made a commitment no matter what.
Hell start looking at men half nude or nude whatever on your phone maybe he will get the hint . Sit next to him ofcourse so he can see the guys your looking at and say oh my .you will get his attention real fast. When he sees your looking and ask why tell him how you feel about his addiction
He’s doing it because you allow it. You can say all you want how it makes you feel, and how it’s cheating to do it, but you don’t follow through with anything after he shows you he’s going to continue to watch it, and at the most disrespectful times in your opinion. So, either do something about it, or learn to deal with it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. But if you have talked to him multiple times about it and he still continues then it has now crossed the line of innocence … meaning it is no longer a peek at a photo here and there it is now an addiction because it is impacting his and your lives. You can either accept it, leave, or BOTH of you seek counseling. He needs to get to the root of the porn necessity and you need to see a professional to get over your insecurities AND figure out how to deal with the way his actions make you feel.
He must be over sexed leave find you some one who cares for you not looking at porn pictures
I spent 8 yrs with a man who watched porn normal porn than cartoon porn and sexting about 15 other females the entire time at first I thought it only started after two years but he’d been doing it since before we got married. And after getting away from him for a few weeks it was like my eyes finally opened up and i realized I had to divorce him and it was finalized January 2020 and ive never been happier
Get rid …find someone who makes you feel Beautiful give you your confidence back.sad on kids but they will be fine.
if I was you, I would start by going to therapy, not necessarily for your marriage but to help you build yourself back up. You need to learn to love yourself, no one can do that for you. If you have a poor self image and a low self-esteem. I would suggest him doing to same thing, addiction no matter what kind is bad. You can’t force him to stop as it has already been proven. If he wants the marriage to work he will get help for his addiction. All Addictions work the same and sometimes it is not something that can be broke by your love alone. If his porn habits is something you can’t get over you need to leave. You have set a pattern for him, each time he has been busted doing it you have talked it out, expressed your feelings and he still continues. And you still stayed. If he won’t work on his personal addiction to keep you then you need to be strong enough to walk away. However you need to really work on yourself, fix your confidence and begin to love yourself. Wish you the best
read what you wrote over & over again , until you get it Then leave, He isn’t going to change
You knew in the beginning and let it go on for 6 years while having kids with him. He does it because he can. You never did anything about it. He’s not cheating. Let him be or move on.
Sounds like this is all on you
If you don’t like you fix you
If you think your not enough find someone that you think will make you feel
Better about yourself… wait… ONLY YOU can make yourself confident brave and strong
No man or woman can give you that power or take it away
Watching porn … watch it with him
Be his sexy slut
He choose you and chooses you every day he walks thru that door
Tbh you’re husband is just a creeeeeep. That is so creepy I can’t.
Porn is one thing but what you’re explaining is just… oh my God.
There are so many other men in the world that would be a better match for you.
I get it. Kids. But it’s better to be happy alone or somewhere else than for your kids to grow up thinking love is some sick game.
I’m sorry you are insecure about your self image but the question I have is why is his liking of porn a him problem when you have the insecurities? Is he not being intimate with you and watching porn instead??? I don’t get the big deal. You should seek out therapy for your self esteem.
I think you first need to love yourself. Having 3 kids in 6 years is so hard on a woman’s body all of our organs and bones move for each pregnancy. So many hormonal changes. But it is worth it. And your kids deserve a mother who loves hers self first. It isn’t selfish!
Then, find out what drives him to look at porn, my hubby had a porn addiction the first few years and it was because of HIS confidence- he sought porn as a way to escape reality like some men play video games. And I have 4 kids- I’m rarely on the mood and had huge confidence blows everytime he’d watch porn because I felt I couldn’t give him what he wanted. It was never about other women- it was just about the act of sex.
I did therapy for myself got my confidence back and he followed suit. He hasn’t watched porn in a year
Some men are dogs i know what that feels like I’ve been with mine for 14 years and he has liked multiple pics of half naked girls pulled up online dating sites he never signed on to any but it’s the principal of wtf are you even pulling it up and he searches on the web in private browsing so I can’t see what he’s looking at it comes to a point where you get so fed up with it all there’s no point in telling them how you feel because they think that what they’re doing is fine and it’s not cheating they don’t understand that if we did that they would be so upset and call us sluts because we’re unfaithful it’s disgusting you literally have to give him an ultimatum or throw his ass out some men just aren’t in it for the relationship it’s more of a thrill and high when they cheat instead of fix they’re relationship and make it better
There’s a whole lot to unpack here. You have to learn to love yourself and that’s your job. Your insecurities are not his fault. He is a porn addict. Period. I don’t see it as cheating if it’s occasionally, and discreetly, but he seems to not even care about your feelings at all.
He is cheating . Leave him