Is it normal for a dad to not help with the kids after getting off work?

is it normal and okay for a father to not help with the kids because he works and you “Just stay at home all day”?

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It’s not normal in my marriage. We’re both working, I’m just not getting paid. When I’m home without him, I do what needs to done. When he’s home alone, he does what needs to be done. When we’re both home, we work as a team. No one gets a pass because they get a paycheck. We all live here.

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To each their own. I think this is a mutual agreement not a right. I lost my job because of covid so now I’m a stay at home mom while my husband works 8-10 hour days. He still comes home and helps me with cooking and/or the kids (10, 2 & 1 yo). But I also understand some days he gets home later or very tired and I hustle to get things done so he can have a night off.

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It’s common, but not ok.
If mom stays home and dad works outside of the home, then dad should get a little time to decompress after work and then he needs to get off his ass and participate in his kids lives!! You didn’t make these kids alone and you shouldn’t have to care for them alone either!

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I don’t work my husband does, when our children were babies he worked a very physical job, he was part of a small 2 man logging crew, so he really couldn’t help much but did what he could when he could willingly by the time they hit school age he had a office job and I was working so we split up the evening chores baths were usually him and I did dinner. Now they are in high school and I no longer work so I do most of the driving shopping meals etc. I don’t really mind now, when they were small if was literally never ending and it was hard we made it through because he’s always willing to help when I ask. We are a team in everything and we decide what works for us all together always

I usually try to feed my boyfriend after he gets off, let him shower and change before i hand responsibility over. I worked hard all day being a mom, yes. But he worked hard all day providing for us.

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Yes and no. I think it is normal for a person to come home from work and want some peace and quiet for a bit to relax and unwind. However, it goes both way. You have to be given an opportunity to relax and unwind also. Both parents have to be upfront (but nonconfrontational) with the other about what they want and need. If you both have to sit down and schedule time off, then do it. Or make a schedule a time where you can leave the house and he takes care of the children and vice versa. You two need to figure out a routine that works for both of you. Google some suggestions. Read some books but most importantly, don’t view this as a “you against me” situation. It isn’t you against him. It is you as a couple against everything else. If you work as a couple, it gets easier. Not perfect, just a little easier.

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Uhhhhm no. It’s not ok, and it shouldn’t be normal. It is one thing to give 30 minutes to wind down and get in “parent mode”, but after that it should be all hands on deck🤷🏼‍♀️ I have been the working parent and the sahm, both are exhausting in their own way. And yes my jobs have always been physically and mentally demanding. Being a parent doesn’t have work day hours, it is 24/7/365.

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No that isn’t acceptable, and if you allow that it’ll continue. He needs to be just as hands on as you are, you two went half and half on them, not just you. You’re not asking him to clean the home and cook when he comes home, you’re concerned about him not being a DAD. People need to stop having kids if they don’t plan to help raise them :woman_shrugging:t2:.

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ABSOLUTELY NOT OK!!! Your workday was done during the day while you were home taking care of the kids and keeping the house. His workday was done when he got off from his job. Evening and night time parenting responsibilities should be split 100% of the time!!!

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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, I take care of the house and kids and homeschool my kids and my husband goes to work… now on his days off he’s pretty much all in with the kids and stuff… and he hangs out with them after work, but doesn’t really discipline or anything… I’m fine with it this way. In fact, I pretty much set the tone to be this… he works, I do EVERYTHING else! If I need help, he will help without problem though…

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I work and take care of my kids. My husband helps out on the weekends. I take my kids to daycare in the mornings on my way to work (I have 2 babies), he picks them up in the late afternoon and spends some one on one time with them until I get home. As soon as I get home I cook dinner and kids eat. I get them bathed and ready for bed and then I put them down for the night. I get like a 20 minute break after I put babies down to bed so I can eat and then I do my nighttime ritual before bed. It’s a lot of work but that’s our family plan.

Every family is a little bit different and has different circumstances, but it isn’t fair for him to never be involved.

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Depends on the man. When we do stay home we do everything. If you want him to help, just tell him what you need. Unfortunately they need to be told and don’t just do.

I always tell my kids to leave daddy alone when he first gets home so he has a little time to wind down from his day. He takes a few mins or plays his football game and then does his thing with the kids. I don’t expect him to walk in the door and boom, hear me say to do this or do that for that kids. He works just as hard as me and deserves his little break when he walks in the door. He also gives me breaks too. It’s all about compromise.

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You need to know more specifics, and it is what works for each couple. I work a full time job, two part time jobs, and manage rentals. I do all this to provide for my family. My wife is a teacher, which she wanted to be. She manages the house. If someone needs some discipline, she calls in the big guns. It works for us.

Nope! My husband is amazing about helping out even after working 12-14hour days. You need to talk to him about it and tell him he has a time to be off work, you should too. It’s nonsense for you to do everything all day.

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I think many dads but not all have the attitude that they’re working outside of the house so they don’t have to do anything in the house .

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No, it is not. My husband believes that it is most important to play with the kids at night after work.

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My husband stays home, I work. When my work day is over, I take care of the kids, homework, baths, dinner…

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I can’t remember my dad helping me with school work much. Maybe in elementary school but not after.

My husband works 60 to 70 hours a week and he always comes in and helps play with the kids or bath time or bedtime or reading a book or something

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May be normal for a lot of people but doesn’t mean it is right.

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Yeah I think it is normal if a man has a physically demanding job that they don’t want to walk thru the door and immediately help (or at all for that matter). Though you should get “sick” for a week and show him what all that “sitting around” really looks like :joy: and even though he is tired you can’t let him get away with doing nothing with his kids! At the very least he could sit with the kids while you cook or do bath time.

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I have a problem with him thinking and or saying you just stay home all day. Not cool.

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Hell no im going thru that to just cuz you work doesn’t mean us women who stay at home aren’t working he has 1 job we have alot of jobs during the day and night he can at least do 1 thing to help or give you a break from the kids for a hour or so

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Not if he wants his kids to respect him and have a special bond with them that would last a lifetime!

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No , not normal. I respect that he needs transition time and some space for a bit. But then he jumps in and prepares dinner or helps with the kids , housework etc.

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Honestly my children’s dad probably does more parenting (right now at least) than I do. And he’s not even their biological father. He is definitely their DAD tho. It’s not by choice, I just happen to work a lot more hours at the moment than he does and he’s been a partially stay at home dad since the beginning of the pandemic. I jump in to help as soon as I get home, but even then our youngest is a constant bug up daddy’s butt so he’s always helping parent no matter what. Sounds like you just have a shitty man in your life.

My kids are all older besides my youngest whom is 6yrs old. When he gets home I don’t ask for him to help, I usually have everything handled and done before he gets home. If our kids have questions or need help he will answer and or help them. Our kids are very independent( I hate it lol)…but when they were younger I mean he would help but there was times where he would assume it was my job until I snapped on him…been good since🤷🏽‍♀️

It honestly depends on the kind of job and hours he works. My hubby works long hours so I give him extra time to just relax and chill out from the day and then he goes and plays with our son. If he’s had an extra hard day I just let him go to sleep and the next day he’s off he lets me sleep in. It’s all about compromise. If he is straight up refusing to not help with the kids at all then no, that’s not normal. He needs to step up or get out. No use in feeling like a single parent when you’re with someone.

No is not ok…but seems like it’s common…
They are his kids…just goes to show what type of person he is, tired or not …one should want to help and play with their kids… I know tons that are great dads :ok_hand:.
Some …just have excuses.

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It takes a conversation to work out what you both want. What is normal for me is way different for another mama and the same stands for dads.
I know one couple who take sleep in turns on the weekend… one does Saturday and one does Sunday and they alternate each weekend.
It may not have occurred to Your hubby regarding “mummy me time”.
You both have equally important jobs and both want to be respected and valued I’m sure.

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No. Parenting requires both to be an active role.

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We both work. But I do mornings alone with 2 school agers and a toddler. Then pick them up amd have school stuff to handle, try to get them to help me pick up a little, and feed them.

I’m a stay at home mum and hubby works full time .
I’m a firm believer that no he shouldn’t HELP with the kids as such but after work enjoy time with the kids .
We are so lucky to be able to watch them grow and see sporting events that most dad’s miss out on .
So no not help around the place or take on the kids every need after a hard day at work .
We can sit when we want we can give our self a day off when we want .
I mow the lawn I do all the chores so on Sunday his only day off he can relax and enjoy family time :slight_smile:

Nope you both made them. Gtfu and be a dad (or a mom)

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My spouse works and doesnt help at all. Even on his days off. Its upsetting but im a good momma. Not gonna force him. I guess a relationship with his daughter doesnt matter!

Ummmmmm no. He needs to help too. You are the one who turns the food into meals, and the house into a home. He can help to.

I think normal to allow little bit to unwind before participating in regular family routine.

i make my hubs spend some time with our kiddos. i make him carry our youngest upstairs to bed. on his days off i make him help with everything since i do everything else

My husband gets off work at 430 home at 5 we eat dinner then he takes care of the baby until I get are oldest to sleep which is between 730 and 830

They are his kids too. He should help care for them. Period end of story.

It’s common but not acceptable. He helped make the children he helps take care of them. Period.

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My husband had to help. I worked nights he worked days. Tell u how good he did. He was in bed one night I get a call from a neighbor. Told me her son was over at my house playing with my boy. My son shot him in the mouth with a b b gun. It was my fault.

Yep very common I think… this is how I grew up. My poor mother…

Really, whether it is normal or not should have nothing to do with it. If it upsets you or is not the way you want to live your life or not the way you want your kids to see as the norm then that is something that a good man will listen to you and do something about if he loves you. It is kinda normal, however, normal doesn’t make acceptable or make it ok. There are some moms who don’t care or feel like they shouldn’t have to but most are not ok with it. In the end I think your relationship is a partnership in life towards a common goal of happiness and fullfillment. Or atleast it should be…I mean in the end…what else mattered?

after he is home for an hour or two,so he can get cleaned up yes,but after that he can watch them so you can get his supper.then he can watch them so you can clean up the supper dishs.he could offer to give the kids a bath stuff.

Its pretty normal :slightly_smiling_face:… but sure it depends person to person. My husband didn’t help with my first born but now with 2nd n 3rd he helps.

not normal in my family dynamic. we split everything parenting and household related pretty equally.

Is teamwork. You cook, he does dishes. You vacum, he does the wc/bath cleannig. Thats how things get done. Do a schedule, one activity per day.

No he needs to be with the kids also and help her out

That is pretty sad that he doesn’t want to and assumes your day was easier than his.

I think all men should help I see the ones who work long hours and still come home and take care of babe and even cook dinner and do chores

Nope! Mine works 60+ hour weeks of physical labor in construction. The second he comes through the door, he jumps right in with the kids.

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Nope but my husband seems to think we r from the 1950s. He works while I take care of house and kids :face_with_symbols_over_mouth:

At first my husband never understood that concept it took years I had to go to work and show him i can do both he still didn’t get it until I showed him i can work pregnant and take care our home took years but he finally got it

we both work so :woman_shrugging: if i was home and he was working i would expect to do majority of childcare. it’s only fair

You didn’t make the kids yourself. Just because he’s off work doesn’t mean that work stops when workday ends. Ending of one thing (work) is the begining of another (household/gender role duties).

How is he a father if he isn’t paying an active role with his children? It’s one thing to unwind after work, but if he says he doesn’t need to help parent because he works he is likely a narcissist.

LMAO… really?? He apparently doesnt think you work and sit at home eating bon bons all day. Have a conversation with him with a does of reality. It takes a village. Two isnt even enough.

Definitely not normal. My husband comes home even after working 12 hr days and still plays with our son

Would rather do it all alone like I am now than to continue to do it all alone with him laying on the couch. :woman_shrugging:

Its okay to let him rest for a while when he gets home.

Umm no. They are his kids as well. He needs to step up and help out with the kids. My husband works 6 days a week long hours doing back breaking work. He comes home eats and with the weather being nice lately we have been going outside and he plays hide and seek and runs around with our kids. Then most nights gives the youngest a bath. Its not a favor its part of his job as a FATHER. I would not be with someone who thinks helping raise his kids is a favor to me.

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I think it is pretty common . I’m more old school . But if you have a problem with it you should communicate better.

Oh it’s normal but not ok. Train them right. :rofl:

I think the dad should be there even if he works and you dont like working as a team

I get that women believe that their spouses deserve breaks and that they need to decompress.

Do your spouses keep in mind of your needs?

If you are keeping in thought of him. Does he keep in thought of you? Is this situation more figured out in the moment? Say he comes home after 10 hours of his job to you after 10 hours of your job. Does he think of you and your break like you think of him and his break? Did you figure this out when handing him the children or asking for help that he wanted to decompress? Did he figure out that you need to decompress too?

Seems by number of comments lots of women are keeping in mind of the men who need decompression however aren’t keeping in mind that they too need decompression. Where do you get yours?

And does working outside of the home entitle a person? Does working in the home entitle a person? Curious questions from a curious kitty as I see by the mood of the comments many women are keeping in mind of how hard his day was or that he does provide. Yes. Fantastic. Yes. And so do you.

Wouldn’t work in my house, that’s for sure.

Week nights maybe let him relax, weekends however it’s your time to shine!!

Nope. Not normal. You wouldn’t let a business partner get away with that while you are running your ass off so why would you let your marital partner?

Fathers need to participate in their children’s lives. Period.

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There’s one thing if he isn’t doing chores or something, but he should be interacting with them, helping with homework or doing bath/bed time. When I was out of work this year and my hubby still worked 40+ hours a week, I did everything but the yard (and I even did it twice for him). Because he pulled his 40 hours, I can pull mine at home. But that’s house stuff. He still needs to do stuff for the kids.

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Them dads have to rest too you know.

Seems to be the normal here as well even though I work too

No They his kids too.

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It depends on what you are ok with.

If he’s a real father he’ll wanna spend time with his kids even if he is tired. I mean I get maybe not every single day but at least 3 of the 5 week days

Normal, absolutely. OKAY??? HELL NO! The house would be more your responsibility as you do stay home…so that’s your “job” so to say. But the kids? They are his kids too. I’d tell him he gets about 30 mins to unwind/relax after work…everyone needs SOME time. But after that he’s expected to help with HIS OWN CHILDREN

takes teamwork to keep a winning team

I’ve been doing it for 21 years. Get out now.

Normal, common, but not optimal.

Uhhh no. I didn’t make them myself.

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If you accept and allow it , it will happen.

I had a husband like that, he’s now an ex husband.

What about the call sperm donor doesn’t work & wont lift a hand cause he thinks he is king, & to even take the garbage out is beneath him, his pretty little hands may get dirty,

I am a stay at home, breasfeeding mom. But my husband wakes up 5AM to cook breakfast for us every morning before he goes to work. And when he comes home, he helps me with the dishes.

Maybe because he understands my mom struggles. He works 5 days a week with 2 days off. And me, I work as a mom 24/7, round the clock boobin’, no days off, no vacation leaves.

I am so blessed to have him. :two_hearts:

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If he doesn’t! ur married to an ass

Yup it is to common in alot of homes

Definitely not normal and not okay :woman_shrugging:
I cant stand this mindset

No not at all. Kick his ass (out)

I honestly don’t know but I don’t ask my hubby to help with the baby unless it’s a weekend or short day simply because I don’t want him to become overwhelmed… He doesn’t do baths or change diapers unless he has to any way. If you aren’t ok with that then y’all need to discuss adding some evening responsibilities for him to do.

My husband takes a break from getting home after 12 hr shifts and after dinner will help with school work if needed and spend some time with them my kids are at the age that most the do is require homework help and do their own thing afterwards but they are still getting use to someone besides mom caring about them and for them even though he has been in their lives for almost 4 years

  1. Do you go to his work/company and help him out when he is tired?
  2. Did you discuss your roles and responsibilities before marriage and kids?
  3. What was your agreement when you decided to have kids?

It’s normal but it’s not ok

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I’m sorry you got a dud. But I think a lot of guys are like this with the old school mentality that they dont have to do fuck all at home because they work

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