So my husband and I have been together for ten years. 2 years after our marriage, we lost our second child. I went to therapy and moved on. However, during that time, he said he is ok. A few years later, our 3rd child was born, and we noticed that he was feeling down a lot. I went back to work again, and we started to drift apart a bit… fast forward a year, and I find out he has been talking with a colleague about our child loss and our problems. He assured me they’re just friends etc. etc… later, I was pregnant with our 4th when I found out that, yeah… things happened between them. He admitted that they have feelings for each other, and they plan to move in together when I go back to work. Anyway, during this time, he’s still living at home and rarely sees us and our kids. However, he still wanted us to be friends (and made advances towards me that I am ashamed to give into) anyway; she ended up finding out and ended their relationship. When this ended, he was very depressed ( even while hr was dating her), but now he wants us to stay together. He is putting in a lot of effort with the kids, helping around the house, is more caring towards me. Anyway, my point is, is it true that once a cheater, always a cheater? Or is it possible that he has changed his ways? P.s. he admits that he still loves her ( they don’t talk anymore) And still loves me too. I really need advice. Thanks
I don’t think so. I cheated once to get out of a relationship. (I was young and dumb) but I have never cheated since then.
I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater. We all are humans and mistakes get made. But if he is doing all that and making a great effort forgove him and make your life all you wanted it to be. I know the pain when you lose a child and in sending a hug for you
Don’t be anyone’s second choice. If she wouldn’t have kicked him to the curb he would have left you.
So he had an affair? With your knowledge? All while living at home with you? Amd he is sad sometimes?
F that! Get the hell out and go get healthy.
I’m sorry but honestly you sound like his last resort 
if she hadn’t dumped him he wouldn’t be there. You should RUN.
Time for you to walk away, this wasn’t something he regrets. If he loves this woman it was more than a physical thing. He will fall in love with someone else and leave you again. I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater but it doesn’t sound like he is remorseful. He wants you because she won’t have him, nope.
If they’ve done it more than once including to other people I believe 100%, my husband was just busted deleting messages to another woman and talking shit about me to her. Needless to say, our marriage is now over. This wasn’t the first, but it’s going to be the last.
Leave him. He’s staying with you as a second choice. You deserve so much better.
Look up the term narcissist. He sure sounds like one.
Sounds like he wanted his cake and to eat it too. But now the other woman dumped him so he’s back with you because you are his fall back person. Don’t be anyone’s second or third choice. What happens if he falls in love again with someone else and you and the kids get left in the lurch again.
I wouldn’t stay with someone who still says they love someone else especially seeing she kicked him out. I honestly think you sound like a second choice or backup and if someone else comes along he might do it again. I’m so sorry but I wouldn’t even want to be near him telling me that he also loves someone else, I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same and would always think that he’s thinking of the other person
While I do believe people can change this man didn’t break up with her to be with you he was dumped and chose you as a second option I would leave in your shoes. Know your worth
I don’t think once a cheater always a cheater but I do know some people are just that way in life and immature
He doesn’t love anyone but himself. Run. He’ll cheat again.
I could not be with someone who cheated on me. I could never forget what he did. Or trust him ever again
Definitely agree with not being someone’s second choice. What if she takes interest in him again? Then what? I understand It must be hard with the kids but do this for you and them. You deserve better.
I’m sorry but I have to agree with the others here, he would have continued doing what he was if she hadn’t let him go. It does sound like you are his last resort. He just doesn’t want to alone so he came crawling back when she was done with him. Girl, run. As fast as you can. You already know this tho or you wouldn’t be asking darlin. Trust your gut.
He only got back with you because she dumped him. Run!
He Showed His True Colors.
sounds like your his second choice and since he cant have her he is settling for you sorry to say 
and yes he will especially if she wants him back
He only wants you back cause she gave him the boot. Get a backbone and move on and find someone who will treat you better. And you just happened to find out about this. Probably not the first time it has happened
Why be second choice?
My ex husband was cheating from 2010 to 2017, he’d stop when I found out and confronted him; he’d cry he’d change. Finally realized he wasn’t going to stop and we started the divorce paperwork 2017, took almost 3 years of him trying to manipulate the system and prolong it. Next month will be my one year anniversary of my divorce 
I believe with God everything can be restored
Once a cheater always a cheater
If she’d ever wanna come back, he would totally followa along. Don’t be a second choice. How are you gonna go on and do all that while being with you and with kids in the middle. Like come onnn. He only cares about himself. Cuss honestly if she hadn’t cut things off with him, they’d still be going at it.
can i file for divorce on someone else’s behalf
So because she left now you’re good enough? No I wouldn’t put up with that.
He loves you until the next broad comes along… in my experience once a cheater always a cheater… especially when you keep taking him back
This is way more than cheating. I would get out ASAP
I wouldn’t stay with him. He is only with you cause she broke up with him and he still says he loves her. And not only did he cheat on you he cheated on her and who knows if he’s had any others. Maybe some can change but it doesn’t sound like he’s changed at all. He just doesn’t have any other options at the moment so he wants to stay.
It sounds like all the advice is correct
… I believe he does need help… maybe his “love” got unwired with the loss if your child. Maybe his behavior is to avoid feelings. That also means when it comes to you… if you let him stay I would affirmatively demand counseling
So your the rebound in the relationship, when you should have been his top priority of making you happy not another woman.
No. I know this for a fact. People make mistakes. You can inbox me if you want.
Be no ones second choice. Send him on his way.
Why would you stay? He was planning to leave you for someone else until she changed her mind. You’re the second choice he is currently trying settling for until the next “better thing” comes along. You deserve better.
The second she decides to take him back, he will leave. You don’t want someone who will choose someone over you. He’s only with you because she left him. Trust me you don’t want that. He will cheat again, especially if she takes him back.
I’m confused he was willing to leave you and his family for another women he says he is still on love with. He also says they still have feeling s for each other so are you just waiting on them two to get back together or for him to find another woman after you possibly have another baby and then leave you and your kids then? Help me out cause I dont understand.
If he left her to be with you and your kids, it’d be one thing. But the woman he lied about, had an affair with, then flat out told you he was going to move in with, but still wanted to have his way with BOTH of you. Girlfriend says f that and leaves, so he has no one and decided she didn’t want him he may as well stay with you, but can whine and cry and say he still loves her but please forgive me. NOPE, he can go find a different chick to play house with. You and your kids don’t need that crap.
Your basically saying he is choosing you as a second choice. She didn’t want him so now he wants you. Girl leave you can do better. Don’t ever be someone second choice.
He is only with you because she gave him the boot. He only wants you back because he hasnt found anyone new yet to be with. Soon as he finds someone else he will do the samething to you again.
dude. he is saying he loves her. That says enough. Why stay with a man who loves another woman. He’s with you only bc she left him. She calls him and he will go running. He probably is still calling her. He doesn’t love you. It’s called he’s settling for whatever…for now…
You have to be the one to decide if you can trust him or not… you’re the one living it not people who don’t even know you… but I’ve been there it does take alot ( we got together young) but have been going good for awhile now
No people do make mistakes so that statement is false, cause if your in the wrong situation or with the wrong person you won’t be happy. But get a life that is in line and correct and a relationship can follow if the correct person. But it sounds like to me that your an option it seems to me that he only wants you back cus he lost the other lady
I think that loss hits men differently. It crushes them. They’re suppose to be the glue, the “savior”. While it doesn’t excuse his behavior, it’s hard for significant others to allow their spouse to see them as anything less than strong. We lost triplets in 2018, at around 5 months gestation. It destroyed my husband. To not be able to save them. Sometimes they need to feel that just for a while, they have control of something.
With all due disrespect, he needs to go cry in an out of control inferno of a dumpster.
Cheaters are always cheaters. Plus, once you’ve been cheated on, you’ll NEVER be able able to trust them again and any hope of things going back to the way they were before he cheated is a pipe dream.
Get a divorce and be with a man that you don’t have to beg to act right, emotionally supports YOU fully and would never even dream of being unfaithful to you.
I think you all need therapy, this is a sticky one
My sister once said that if you could fall in love with someone else while still with your partner. You are not IN LOVE with your partner. If your in love with your partner the thought of cheating or falling for someone else is not possible.
Always nicer at the start till they think you have forgiven them
“pEoPLe MaKe mIsTaKeS”
NO, you don’t “mistakenly” insert your dick in someone else or put someone else’s dick inside you
That is a CHOICE
You are CHOOSING to betray the person you supposedly “love”
I think if you choose to stay you both need individual and couples therapy
Sounds to me he wants his cake and ice cream too
Get counseling and see if you two can figure out what you both want/need and expect for the future. I’ve not lost a child but can only imagine the heartbreak and pain it causes. Prayers for a happy future for your whole family.
A leopard never loses its spots. I would never be second choice to any person. Make sure you have self respect for yourself.
Yip once a cheater always a cheater you happy being 2nd best? I woukdnt be
I have never lost a child thank god and I’m so sorry that you have, I don’t know what it’s like to hurt that deeply but I think when someone is hurt that bad that deep it changes them it makes them do things they otherwise wouldn’t. What was your relationship like before the loss ? Could he have been hurt so bad that he tried to run away from everything that reminded him of it ? Could he have turned to a friend that took advantage of his state of mind (yes it happens to men as well) I can not say once a cheater always a cheater, I can’t say that I’d stay with my husband after such a betrayal because I don’t know that I would ever trust him again. what I can say is if I would even consider it there would need to be LOTS AND LOTS of therapy lots of healing and lots of other things I don’t even know !
Personally, I think everyone deserves a second chance.
Second time round, definitely wouldn’t be a mistake, so would mean the end of our journey.
But a second chance, I believe is worth exploring.
Being together for 10 years, I’m sure you two have gone through and overcome multiple obstacles together. Putting this obstacle aside and looking back on the others, I’m sure makes you very proud.
I also feel it’s important to put ourselves in their shoes. Purely for the reason, how would you want him to respond to you? Give you a second chance or walk away?
That being said, I’m sure it’s an incredibly difficult time for you… the journey ahead is difficult… but can be done. IF BOTH parties really WANT to.
I also feel like the success recovery stories are less spoken of, because of the couples working on their marriage, to better it going forward.
This is all my personal opinion on the matter, but I wish you the absolute best with your decision.
May God be with you, and guide you through this journey. 
She broke up with him, that is why he is helping out more at home & “wanting to work on things”. If she didn’t end it, he would still be set on moving in with her! You deserve better. I know it must be very difficult, especially with kids but like I said, you deserve better & to be happy and I promise there is someone that can make you much happier & be loyal!
No, i don’t believe “once a cheater, always a cheater”. People cheat when one or more of their needs are not being met in a relationship, so they seek out another person to fulfill it.
That being said: You are a stronger person than me, because i would have kicked him to the curb the day he told me about her. Not only did he cheat on OP, he cheated on his mistress with OP…why would she want him back?
He said he loves you and yet still loves her? Are you okay with that?
I don’t believe cheaters are always cheaters but the fact that he’s telling you he still loves her?? I mean why would u want to be with someone who has feelings for someone else?? He loves you too?? If he loved u he would of never cheated much less think of leaving you…come on u know the answer to this… You don’t need that half ass relationship in your life…you got this you are better off alone
Wow your saying he admits he still loves the other girl😱 .yet you don’t know what to do.Girl I’d leave him it’s obviously he don’t love you
You can only make this decision and yes I have hear once a cheater always one but I don’t know whether I believe that or not but my thing is if they cheat on me once I don’t know that I could ever trust him again niether could I most likely forget it …it’s sad if he truly loved you he would not have done what he done I think alit of people think grass is greener on the other side and when they find out it’s not then they think they can just walk back into your life like nothing ever happened …so it’s like if u take them back it’s like you give them permission to cheat on you … Sucks that people have to even think about cheating it totally disgust me but you do what’s best for you and your kids u know deep down in your heart what u need and want .
I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater. However, the red flag is he said he still loves her and loves you? If you’re truly in love with someone there is no room to love anyone else
If he loved someone else enough to leave you, his wife and someone whose been by his side for years and had his children… what would make him stay with you when the next big thing comes along? Or if the other woman wants him back eventually?
You cannot love two people at once.
I don’t believe the phrase once a cheater always a cheater. People can change, yes cheating is wrong but everyone has made mistakes it’s when those same mistakes keeps happening is when you should move on whether it’s cheating, lying, etc… now to answer your question even though this was the first time that he cheated I wouldn’t be back with him and I’ll tell you why. If he was truly sorry he would have worked things out with you and stayed and fought to keep his family but he didn’t he told you he had feelings for another woman and then moved in with her. It wasn’t until she dumped him was when he was wanting to work things out. Why couldn’t he have done that in the beginning? I would be telling you to give him the benefit of the doubt but since he moved in with her I would just move on if i were you because if she wanted him back he will drop you like you’re nothing and go back with her. Don’t allow yourself to be nobody’s backup plan. You’re worth more than that
Just run. If he even considered the 2nd women, you are not and never will be priority. It will happen again. You deserve more.
I believe once a cheater always one. But if he started to change. Then why not just let things go were they are going now. I mean he knows that he made a mistake. And that she didn’t want to break up a family that has been together for some years. I mean I know what it’s like being cheated on. And with kids. Won’t lie. I did cheat on my ex with some one else. But because my ex was so toxic and was hard to leave him. Until I had called the cops on him. And I got help. Mind you my son was 2 at that time. But he’s not the dad. And I faught so much to get away from him. For my son’s safe.
But he’s wanting a second chance. Just ask him to accept the therapy. And I know how it feels loosing a child. And then he changes from one day to the next. Yes it’s heartbreaking. And then finding our a rainbow baby is born. There nothing wrong. Its just your angel sending another sibling. But do seek therapy. Family therapy is needed.
He’s using you he doesn’t respect you or he wouldn’t have cheated and the fact that he ignored his children would be the final straw for me. Have the strength to boot his tail out the door, find a hobby, join a club, meet new people and get out of the rut you’re in. You’ll be doing your children and yourself a favor and trust me in a year or so you’ll all be happy and forget that loser
He says he “still loves her”. That means he wasn’t and isn’t truly devoted to you as a woman in his eyes. You need his undevided love and loyalty, regardless of children, house, ect. He is only trying effort now with you, because she dumped him! Keep your guards up, for you and your children. He hasn’t teamed with you, so why should you. Go for your own goals, work hard for you now ,not him. All the best.
He would leave you in a hot second if she gave him the chance he just wants a free place to crash
This seems a bit deeper than just a “changing his ways” kind of thing. He fell in love with another woman, chose her over you and your children and only when he lost that did he decide to use you as his safety net. I don’t know if he’ll cheat again, but to me he’s already proven what kind of “man” he is. The question you should be asking is if you can move past something like that.
He cheated on you then cheated on her. That’s twice in the span of however long this is… also do you think if she hadn’t ended it he’d still do all these things for you?
Sounds like your settling for second best
“There’s all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice”
Unfortunately, The whole situation would’ve made me leave. He’s only staying and helping out now because the one he “loves” left. Never be a second choice, honey.
If I was in a position where he had to choose me or her, man, choose her. I’d be done.
I think he’ll keep looking. He’s just keeping you on the leash. They usually never stop cheating.
Ok this is a tad personal but I don’t care to share… so I have been with my boyfriend 17 years we have a 16 and 14 year old … about 5 years ago I met someone at my work. He was my best friend and I felt safe with him it progressed and me and my bf wasn’t happy we wasn’t sexual and I took the dive and hide him for 2 months then I decided I wanted to be with that person so I moved out one weekend … fast forward a few months … everything changed I missed my relationship and I wanted my family back together… I was lucky my bf took me back and honestly now … I am so in love with him prolly more so now then I ever was before I couldn’t imagine cheating on him or being with anyone else ever again… granted we have had a tuff year our moms passed 31 days apart and stuff has just went downhill in our life BUT ID NEVER cheat again so I think it depends on the person .
I would be afraid hun that he would do it again. He has already did it once, well twice, who’s not to say he will leave you again for someone else, you know. I don’t know; it just all is so hard because there is so much involved that has happened you know. I do believe you could work it out honestly, but I personally feel I’d always be on guard.
Is he a man of God repenting? If yes, make him prove every day with the household chores and spending time with your children. Gain your independence away from him and when everything is in place ask him to leave. You’ll know if he truly repents.
I wouldn’t stay. That’s me personally. However, that’s really only a decision you can make. Child loss is hard and while that’s not an excuse, he could have found comfort in someone else so he didn’t have to show emotion to you while you were going through child loss as well. Again, not an excuse. Hold him accountable. Don’t put your kids in the middle. But staying with him is your decision. The biggest thing is if you trust you or think you can build trust. If trust is completely gone, you won’t ever just trust him hanging out with friends anymore.
I was in a similar situation in my first marriage but with no kids. My ex told me he wanted a divorce. I found out he had been seeing one of my friends before he told me he that. I started seeing someone else while we were separated and he got jealous so then he wanted to work on our marriage. I gave in being young and alone. I was with him another 2 years and all at once I found out about more women and random accounts he had to talk to women without me finding out. It’s good for a few months but it always goes back to them not being able to commit fully. I would ask if he would be willing to go to counseling, if not then there’s your sign. If this keeps you up at night and it’s something you don’t think you could get over and will keep bringing it up if he does actually try to make your marriage work, there’s a sign to get out. Your kids will be ok if you aren’t with their father. Don’t feel like you have to stay in your marriage for your kids sake. You know deep down what you want. I know that hurt and I hate it for anyone to go through but it will make you stronger and better in the long run.
If he says he still loves her or has feelings for her, kick him to the curb.
If he cheated on you once while married, he’ll do it again in a heart beat.
Sounds like he’s just using you and I’m sorry that you’ve to go through it.
I would never trust a cheater agian. It eats up on you and effects your health and the do cheat again they dont change
Not always the case. I cheated on my now husband and I will never again make that mistake.
Oh my Lord, You have no respect for yourself. If you don’t respect yourself, why should he respect you. Usually men don’t like easy women and you are making it too easy for him . He doesn’t love you or his own children. He is NOT a MAN .
I been with my man for 11 years we’ve never cheated on each other , u deserve alot better babe
Sounds like you are a safety blanket til he either goes back or finds something he thinks is better , don’t do it 
I’ve regretfully cheated on my husband in the beginning of our relationship. I had just gotten out of a very toxic abusive relationship and I was pissed and taking it out on all the wrong people. I regret it so much but I learned my lesson and haven’t since then and haven’t ever thought of doing it either. So I cant always say once a cheater always a cheater. But if he still loves her id say its best to tell him to deal with his issues with her before he tries coming back to you. Because rn hes basically using u as a safety blanket because he doesn’t want to face that he fucked up
This is tough.
I honestly believe the affair 100% had to do with the loss of your child. You moved on. He didn’t. Maybe he felt abandoned and sought comfort with someone else. Grief makes you do crazy things. Doesn’t excuse him, but I don’t think he did it because he was trying to hurt you.
I think you both should seek couples counseling. I bet he clings to this woman not because he actually loves her, but he’s formed a trauma bond. She was the comfort he sought when your child died. I don’t think he’s the typical cheater. I think grief made him do this.
He just dont want to be alone i know u love him but what he did isnt ok u know that do whats in ur heart
Sorry I know it’s harsh but Your behaviour basically told him that his cheating behaviour was Ok.
why would He not do it again? There appeared to be sexual award not punishment for cheating. I want you to know you deserve so much better and should Of never put up with that. You really should go to see counsellor or psychologist alone and work on why you would stay and sleep with a man and produce more children although you are fully aware he developed an emotional and sexual connection with someone else and had every intention of leaving you.
The only thing it spins like he learned was that he didn’t want to be alone. So I wouldn’t stay with him. The only time he was sorry was when she left him. That’s not repentance. That’s convenience.
I think each situation is different. After I had baby #2 (18 months after #1) I had some PPD issues that really really messed with me and I had a “bad summer”. I’m not sure what else to call it. I went out one night every weekend and ended up cheating on my husband. That was 10 years ago and I still regret it everyday and would NEVER do it again. It has taken awhile but our marriage is better now that it’s ever been.
For me the relationship would be a no go. I am not a forgiving person and prefer to leave toxic people behind. The minute things became stilted between the two of you he jumped to cheating instead of talking to you about how he feels so I would see this as he cannot be trusted and could and probably would cheat again.
He’s said he still loves her. The only reason he’s trying is because she dumped him. Why he second choice? What if she changes her mind and wants him back? I wouldn’t put up with this
Before you make a decision one way or another, I suggest individual and couples therapy. I believe his behavior was a trauma response. Was it the right response? No. But he is human and he was trying to come to terms with the loss of his child and feeling abandoned in a time that should have brought you closer, although it doesn’t always work that way. People heal at different rates and the one who heals slower often resents or has anger or anxiety towards the one who moved on, as if you didn’t really love him or the child if you were able to move on while he is still grieving. Grief is powerful and can make you do crazy things in search for healing. If you truly love him, give therapy a chance. Going to therapy does not mean you have to take him back, but you at least owe it to yourself and your children to try and build a healthy relationship with him. Wether you stay married or not you will always be connected to him through your children and unless you can repair that parental relationship, your children will end up suffering as well.