Needing some advice my bonus son is 4 his dad and I have full physical and legal custody as of March of 2019 his bio mom is to have him every other weekend and every Wednesday she has seen him 4 times since the order was put in place in March and only asks for him when it’s convenient for her. Since he started school, his dad told his bio mom that she either needs to be consistent with seeing him or not see him at all because the one and only time she has taken him since school started both his councilor and teacher said he wasn’t the same kid and something wasn’t right. Also, her time is to be supervised, and she doesn’t listen to that order. My question is are we wrong for keeping him from her because she isn’t consistent and can’t follow what the judge ordered
Yes and no, you need to go back before the judge.
Follow the court order. Little contact is better then none. Per Dr. Phil
If his teacher and counselor noticed something was off with him, that should be a huge red flag. I would get super strict on her time being supervised. 
If she cant follow the rules then I don’t see why she should be able to see him.
This is your husbands place- not yours
Go ask the judge to remove her rights, ask the teacher to write a letter
Take the situation back to court and they will decide what should be done. Bring up that she isn’t following orders
Take it back to court
Court order should always be followed. Even thought your head and heart is accurate in a courts view you could look insubordinate & that would only hurt you and his dad in a court of law. Some day maybe she will sign off rights if you have enough court backing… but don’t buck the court in the mean time to risk it down the road.
Yes. Hes not yours. Bottom line.
You need to follow paper work no matter what until you have it changed. The court order will always win no matter the inconsistency.
If it’s to be supervised go to court with your proof.
No, you’re not wrong.
Your in violation of a court order if you don’t let her have her time and that can put you and hubby in an even worse situation. Although I would take her back to court and bring it all up.
You need to let the judge decide. Unfortunately, you have no ground to stand on here. You don’t know if the reason he is “different” is because he misses his mom
He’s not your son. Let the court decide.
Even though he is not hers biologically, she is there for him every morning, every night, every smile, every heart break to help him put the pieces back together from his mom. She is there, not his mom by choice obviously if she isn’t even consistent enough every other weekend and one day a will. Step moms matter too!
Take her to court. Get a statement from his teacher & counselor. If u don’t follow court orders then u could get into trouble.
Follow the Court order to a T… until it is changed by a judge. Make sure your end is 100 percent by the book.
Take her back to court and let them know she’s not trying, i agree with you on keeping him away, it’s not healthy for him to have a pop in and out parent
Nope. Take it back to court
You need to go back to court. My fiance was awarded full custody of his 3bio and 1 bonus and a permanent pfa (protection from abuse) against his ex wife so she legally can never come near the kids again.
If you keep him from her you are going against the order. Tell your sttyn and go to court. Document each time she misses until court. But don’t break court order.
They could terminate her parental rights.
Do your part to stick to the court order. Document everything. And be the one supervising.
You are not wrong at all. My (step) daughter is 7. She’s only seen her mom a handful of times in her life. And talked to her on the phone a handful of times. Apparently most of those times have been since her dad and I got together and started living together. If she wants to be a mom, she needs to be a mom.
If he’s having noticable changes, and she only wants to talk or see him when it’s convenient for her then it’s not wrong at all! That’s toxic to the child.
My kid wonders all the time why her mom doesn’t ever come see her, or try to make an effort to at least talk to her. We don’t have her mom’s number so it’s not like we can just call her when she wants to talk. She has 2 other kids this happens with as well.
At the end of the day you have to protect your child from someone who is toxic and selfish. So if she compromises the health and happiness of your kid, there’s nothing wrong with that.
But you definitely need to go to court and tell a judge what’s going on if she has any type of rights. My kids bio doesn’t have any kind of rights so we get to say what she can and cannot do and we don’t have to let her talk or see her if we don’t want her to.
Judge. It needs to documented that see doesnt see him. Its hard on a kid having a part time parent.
It’s not your place to keep your step-child away from his parent. If she’s not putting in effort then the childs father needs to go to court and show evidence that this arrangement is doing more harm than good.
I would call your attorney next business day and try to get ahold of the judge. Neither want to be held I contempt of court
If he wants to see her, then yes, you’re wrong. I grew up with my dads family keeping us from my mom and it was torture. I’m not saying let him go with her, but always leave your door open for visits. Make her feel wanted and welcome so she will come around. If you don’t, I promise you he will remember. As he gets older the inconsistency will show itself. Let her paint that picture without your influence. He needs to look back a know that you guys encouraged and welcomed her without bitterness, or he will hold it against you if not.
The more you try to put distance between them, the more problems you will have… i have been there and honestly just give it time and what effort she is making will fizzle out… the step son i raised was the same way. She put her husbands kids in front of hers, my son dont have a good relationship with her now. She is making a show if things now cause he is havin twins and once the newness wears off she wont be around
Take this back in front of the judge ASAP!!! Follow current order until you can get new court date.
Really?! Not for the OP but for the comments. Any children who’s parents split remember what that was like… he acted different. Who wouldn’t. My daughter lost her dad and is fine for mos then something triggers and she “is different”. Unless it was posted otherwise I didn’t see anything about abuse.
Who is supposed to supervise normally that is pre decided and noted in court docs, but yes you would be in the wrong bc if it goes back to court and you were not following orders or at least had him ready for a visit that’s on you at this point she is still entitled to those visits however you should not be required to leave him if the supervisor is not there it is normal for children to act differently for a short period of time after visits especially if they are few and far between you can always request another hearing to voice your concerns
If it affects him negatively I wouldn’t want to send him either! I would go back to court or talk to whomever it is and explain to them the situation and see what can be done…
He’s 4. He’s not old enough to realize how inconsistent she is. I’m sure he realizes she isn’t around, but minds don’t process those things at 4. Wait until he’s older and let him decide. He will resent you otherwise and you’re in contempt. Maybe you think keeping her from him is the right thing to do, but that’s not your choice. If you took her to court a judge wouldn’t take away all of her time anyways and you’d still be in the same situation. It’s not right or fair, but that’s how it is and unfortunately the kids are the ones who pay the price for it.
Thats a hard situation an I completely understand you point of view of her seeing him when she wants to. But honestly you and husband should push her to be the best mom she can because the kid will want to see her regardless of when an how long between trust me… In my opinion I would only tell him she is coming around when you know when is. Don’t let him think she is SUPPOSED to come this day or that because his hopes go up expecting her an crash Down if she don’t. I would only bring her up when she is about to be there. In my opinion
Go back to court
They can terminate her rights for his she is acting
Amend the court order, ask to drop the visitation. You could also ask for a termination of parental rights. I suggest a lawyer. Follow the court order until a judge orders you otherwise.
Damn. All of these “hes not your son” comments are fucking me up right now. My bonus kid may not “be my son”, but best believe I’m expected to treat and take care of him like he is. 
if a step child is treated differently then your blood then you shouldn’t be with someone with a child from somebody else!
I’m gonna take my child to get ice cream but not you because you’re not MY SON.
Bullshit. I’ma do what is best for you, the same way I’d do for MY SON!
Dont keep her away but document for court.
Nah. If you love and care for him as your own, and the court order says she needs it to be supervised and the dad said she needs to choose to either be consistent or stay away. Then you also have a right. That son needs a consistent and caring mother and you are doing just that.
Go back to court
Dont let her see him unless supervised
but despite her inconsistencies she is his mother and he needs her
Step mom here. Withholding the child can do more harm than good, esp if that child wants a relationship with the parent. Id work towards a court document requiring supervised visitation. As someone who raised my “bonus” kids its about what is best for them. And if their mom in their is best you have to suck it up.
Nope,sorry have to diagree,she is the right,but still get letter to judge or lawyers explaining everything and get court set asp
Yes, you are wrong. Take it up to the court so that can adjust the visiting schedule and enforce mandatory visits.
This sounds so familiar. My household was not going to be run by a woman who didn’t have her shit together and couldn’t take care of her own child, and want me as a babysitter at her beck and call. I raise that child, for her best interest and she is a great woman, No help from her shitty so call mother!!! Please ppl, pushing a baby out of your body Doesn’t make U a mom!!! It’s my house, my husband and she made ME her mom!!! And on top of it all the judge told her that I was not a random woman, Im his wife and the child lives in our home!!! So please don’t think that just cause your the mother that there isn’t women out here that are not going to do right by that child.
If she is required supervised visits then don’t leave him/let him go if the supervision isn’t there. That is not going against the court order on your part not hers. If she follows the order there’s not much you can do.
Children need stability. No judge is going to try to hold you in contempt for it if you have full physical placement. Technically, if she herself breaks a consistent order of visitation, it switches over to “reasonable time with reasonable notice.” At that point, you as a family could judge on if it’s a good time for each individual visit. From there, if she was having an issue with the child being withheld-- she’d have to take YOU to court. It would take months to close that case & she’d probably end up with NO visitation at that point. If someone isn’t complying, they start to look into who has truly raised the child anyways. They tend to sway in that direction.
I dont know how anyone can say it isn’t your place but ok 
sometimes the bio parent fails and there’s a step parent that steps in and steps up. She’s raising this child of course she has the right that being said, I’d follow the existing order if she tries to get him, but if it’s in the paperwork she must be supervised, you don’t have to hand him over with out said supervisor present. I’d also either get an attorney or file pro se (on your own) to have the original order advised minus the overnight visitation at minimum but altogether if you can get it.
I used to feel the same way, then realized like you I was wrong. Of course my stepson was an asshole after an inconsistent weekend with his mom where there were no rules. But in the end, ITS ILLEGAL TO GO AGAINST A COURT ORDER. Bio mom’s screw ups don’t give you the right to ignore a judge orders.
Now my step son is 7 and hasn’t seen or heard from his bio mom in about 3 years. We moved 1100 miles away a year ago and she still doesn’t know he left the state because we haven’t heard from her.
Let her fizzle out on her own. If she is really the inconsistent asshole you say she is, she will. 🤷
I would say if she shows up for her visit at her ordered times let it happen. On her times when she doesn’t show make a police report of the order violation which can be used in the future if you seek to terminate her visits. Yes child is young but you have to let him see for himself the way she is without interference so later he doesn’t blame you for keeping him away.
Did the order specify who was to supervise? If not I would go back to court and ask to have it specified and it should be someone you trust if you dont have a specific person most states have centers that will supervise and it is paid for by her if there is a fee then you dont take him until you know the time has been paid for, they dont give refunds. We use to supervise for my stepson, we worked on trying to teach him what he needed to be responsible for his son. He started drinking and using again so we said we wouldnt do it anymore. He is physically abusive and has a wicked temper so now he has to go to a center. It is $60 an hour. He can’t be bothered to make the appointment so now he hasnt seen his son for over a year.
Its hard without a doubt… But keeping him from her is dangerous territory.
Child will find out on his own what type of mother she is…and the only good part about that heartbreak is that u and dad will be there for child.
If u take steps to keep them.apart there is a huge chance of rebelling and blaming you.
You will be so needed when he finds this out. … Just be there for him after visits and offer ur love.
You need to talk to the courts, cause ahe can use that against you too and say that you were not following orders
I’m totally biased here. I had a shitty bio parent. I feel courts tend to push unification to the point it’s not what’s best for kids. Document everything. You need to go to court. You dont want to violate the court order.
No. My “mother” was just like that and it fucked. Me. Up. Hes better off without her around.
DO NOT EVER ask other people what you should do with this child concerning his mother. Ever. We don’t know him. We don’t know her. We don’t know the history or if she’s abusive or neglectful. We don’t know the little tiny details that you do. Buck up step mom. You gotta stand there when all of us don’t agree. You know. As long as you’re not being petty, but protecting him from true danger, roll mama.
I would only ever consider keeping him away from his mother if there is a serious safety risk. He gets his needs met by you and his father and you are pretty much his mom for the most part but he knows and loves his mother and is probably very happy when he gets to see her. You are holding all the cards here and should be the bigger person as much as possible. Both the bio mom and son would definitely respect you for it in the end as time goes on.
Keep on abiding by the court order until you can go before the court again, write down everything in a log book including his behavior after seeing his mother, and also get written documentation from the teacher and counselor too. Let her be the one that messes up.
Your husband needs to file contempt of court paperwork if she isn’t adhering to the court order. Plain and simple.
U can get in trouble in the long run for withholding him . what u need to do is go to the court and file and say she is breaking her court order
Honestly I think it’s in his best interest if shes consistent if not yeah that can mess with a little one. Get a lawyer see what you can do. If he wants to see her though you should let him you know. You don’t want him to resent anyone for keeping him from his mom.
Somebody has to supervise. The court has to say who. Do not agree to supervise because she will sabotage everything you do with the child. Good luck.
Amanda Medellin 
sound familiar? Eventually they stop coming around, eh 
If it’s been ordered by the courts, and it’s been signed by a judge, she can potentially charge you two with kidnapping. Get it modified, and get legit full custody. Primary parent doesn’t mean you have full custody
If they are supposed to be supervised n there is no one else with her then technically no she can’t see kid at least here is that way
Don’t think you can sounds like the courts have given her the time
I don’t think a child should be kept from a parent unless there is abuse. But that’s just me. Whatever. I gotta love all these women just saying “yes” without really knowing the entire story. Because they can’t. Because even if you told us we dont know what’s biased and what isn’t and what’s true and what isn’t. shrug
Legally- yes you are in the wrong. A judge has to say that his father can withold visits. Document the inconsistencies but let her have him until the court order is changed.
Your husband needs to take it back to court. Document every missed visit, everything the teachers and councillors say after he does visit her, and every conversation your husband has with her. Then take it back to court and inform the judge that she doesn’t follow the orders and that the visits she does have with him are having a detrimental effect on him. As hard as it is you cannot keep him from his bio mum until a judge gives the ok
Definitely go back to court. If you keep him from her she could turn it around on you. However, protect your child no matter what! Good luck!
If it’s been ordered by the courts you have no right to keep him from her?? Get the court order changed or let her see her kid.
If it’s court ordered to be supervised then supervise it so you know what’s going on when she is near him and he feels safe knowing you are there. She doesn’t have to like it but if you just let him go with her alone then you are in violation of the order as well.
You can’t keep your stepson from his bio mom, or you will be the one violating the court order. You can take her back to court and try to get her custody changed. Good luck
Sounds like you need to go to court and explain to the judge what’s going on cross your t and dot your I’s
You cant keep a child from his mother regardless of how inconsistent she is. Unless the court says so let it be. Maybe there is a possibility that she needs some form of help and maybe thats why she is the way she is. Ask her if she would like some help. The only one that will get hurt if you take away the mum is the son. If shes not abusing him then whats the problem.
He’s not your son so why are you trying to convince everyone his mother is bad? Nobody’s perfect and everyone is only hearing your side of the story. Your a terrible person judging someone else.
You have to follow court orders as well. You don’t get to just do whatever you want. Who’s supposed to do the supervising? Where? If she doesn’t show up to where she’s supposed to, then that’s on her. But you are not allowed to interfere in any way
Notify the court what she’s doing and document it.
Now If instead of mom we placed dad instead you all would be eating him alive. Don’t let him near the child, go back to court, just help him, maybe he needs support. Oh please.
If she isn’t listening to the order anyway then no don’t let him go. If she is supposed to have every other weekend and Wednesday and has only managed 4 in the last 6 months then she is violating the order anyway. Especially if it’s supposed to be supervised and it’s not. There is a reason it’s written that way.
If she shows up without a supervisor, she can’t take him. 
He will always want her, i say this out of love, how does he feel, i guess u have to do whats best for him.
Stuff the so called mother! Clearly you are raising him now don’t let him go! I know I wouldn’t want the child to be stuffed around by the “real mother” !
Yes! Dont keep the child away from the mother. We don’t know the mother’s side of the story here! Think about the child and what is best.
Force her to be supervised.
No its not wrong. Sounds like shes toxic for the child. However you cant legally do so since ther is already visitation set up through the court. You need to document every time she doesnt show up to get him on her schedualed days and what the teachers at the school said. Then take her back to court and have the visitation changed.
You can’t just decide to keep him away from her. You have a court order.
Interfering with the mother child relationship is hard on the child.
You must not have any children of your own or you would understand that
Keep records and go back to court. I wouldn’t withhold visitation without going back to court. Because that can come back to you.
As for the time it takes to emotionally process, I hear you. My step-sons bio-mom is the same way. Hardly shows and when she does it takes him a while to settle back into his usual behavior. She breaks his heart so much.
Keeping her from him is you not following the judges order either. However I do understand what you’re saying and I can’t say I wouldn’t keep him from her either. She sounds like a POS. My advice is I would have dad go back to court and try to get her visitation revoked completely. She doesn’t seem like she would fight too hard anyway.
Definitely don’t let her take him without a supervisor, there’s a reason she has supervised visits.
keeping him away from her means you are also not following the court order. her failure to comply needs documented and reported
Yea you should not do that. Get a lawyer and fight for full custody if she’s that bad.
Document every time she doesn’t show. If your husband is communicating with her about visits, or you are. Keep those records. I’d do it all by text or email. That way you can keep track of her saying she’s not coming etc. If she shows up and there is someone specified to supervise and that person isn’t there, document by video stating date and time and then politely refuse the visit. Actually, to CYA, have your husband speak in the video and politely refuse. That way she can’t go back and say you are being the evil stepmom and keeping her from seeing him. Then after a few months, say four-six, file with the court to review and either A) reduce visitation or B) revoke visitation altogether. Kudos for being brave enough to post and ask for help in this group. Today must be hater day from posts I’ve read and comments I’ve seen. You guys sound like you want what is best for him and are doing your best. Good luck from one stepmom to another! 
. #sorrynotsorry
There must be a reason she lost custody. Never forget that. And it sounds like she’s not really that interested in her child anyway as she seldom tries to see him. She’s not complying with the court order but by refusing to let her see him you’d be breaking a court order! I would take him to a psycologist and let them do an assessment. Then make a decision about what’s best for the child. Pity the court order doesn’t provide for these deviations!
I would take it to court honestly and have it mandated for a supervisor and explain the behavior and inconsistency. If it’s court order you both can get screwed for not following it, as well as her. I do believe it will screw that child up if she’s in and out but I’ve also seen it screw up the child and have the child have resentment issues towards the parents for keeping the other parent away so that may play out both directions there. Keep that little one in counseling though to assist with that built up anger. My son deals with this stuff from his “donor” but even though he’s inconsistent in his life since birth he still needed to know for himself that he was done. I gave him the option to be there and never took him out of the equation and eventually my son had enough of his lies and BS and said nomore. He’s only 14 but he learned what he wants on his own without me doing anything but being there as support.
I hope you have been keeping an accurate log of every time she has blown off a visit so you can go to court and show the judge how unreliable she has been and how she doesn’t deserve to have her son in her life at all. You cannot legally go against a court order without it coming back to bite you in the ass. Get the court on your side and fight for what is best for your stepson.
No matter what she will always be his bio mother you are just a stand by sorry for saying that he will grow up and still want his mom kids hold resentment against step parents especially if your going to keep the step son away from the mom maybe she has something that came up to be honest when he turns 18 are you guys still going to be fighting in court as a parent that goes through the court system as a parent who has kids are are 19 or even a teen they no who there biological parents are
Take her back to court
What is in the best interest for the child is to have their parents. In my country, one cannot be forced to parent, but one cannot deny visitation, and that is the law. Don’t keep the mother away. Consistent or not she still has the court ordered right to see her child. Whether she chooses to or not is up to her.