My children are 9 and 6 and my ex and I share custody. My 9 year old girl treats her brother like absolute crap. She’s always mean to him. Picking on him calling him stupid and a big dummy stuff like that. She ignores him whenever he tries to talk to her and tells him he’s being annoying and to leave her alone.
My ex is former military and wants everything his way with the kids. He too tells our son to stop crying and quit acting stupid. He calls him lazy and says he needs to do simple things by himself because he’s “not a baby” . The other night when I was getting my kids our son was getting stuff out of his dads car and needed help Bc his hands were full. I went to help him and my ex screamed at me saying no he’s not a baby he can do it his f****** himself. And then yelled at my son to stop crying. He’s very controlling. They have some homework that needs done and he told me to not do their homework with them Bc “he has a schedule for everything” and it’s the wrong time to do homework. He even got them matching military backpacks after I bought them the backpacks they wanted.
My daughter wanted her hair done a certain way and I went to use a little gel in it to hold it down and she freaked out screaming saying no daddy says I’m not allowed to wear gel in my hair or I’ll get in trouble. She refused to let me put in her hair.
I’m not sure what to do. I feel like Bc of his behavior and how he treats our son my daughter thinks it’s okay to do. I feel like he’s literally brainwashing my kids.
I don’t know if I would say he’s brainwashing them, but it does sound like he enforces his strict military ways very hard. He sounds very hard to deal with, I’m sorry… i would tell not to talk like that to your son. Not only is your daughter seeing it & now thinks it’s okay, he’s hurting his son. I know men want their son to be strong, etc but he’s a little kid. Helping him or him crying is okay. I would just let your son know you love him & will always be there for him. Id tell your daughter she needs to cool it down too as that’s her brother and they’re family no matter what so get along
Your house your rules. His house his rules. Let him and them know that.
If you’re custodial parent you get majority in all things. I’m custodial parent in our joint custody. Because kids live with me but have every other weekend visitation. I have complete say over all rules and things effecting my child. 50/50 custody is a joke.
Brainwashing…NO! Providing structure, responsibility and a schedule yes. Moms tend to baby kids far too long. Children need to become independent by middle school.
What the actual Fuk , tell him to go Fuk himself and clearly explain to ur kids that the rules at mums are different to at dads, I’d be involving a child psychologist for ur son like immediately
Sounds to me like he’s treating kids like thier military. Your daughter is picking up on what her father is doing ( not good to treat bad) . Im sorry to say but your gonna have to put you’re husband in his place or the kids are not gonna want anything to do with him. My dad was mean to us also a military man. Im 56 years old and I still remember we were not allowed to walk barefoot or he would step on our feet couldn’t make noise when he was getting ready for work and multiple other things. He and my mom separated when I was 12 that was the best thing that ever happened in our house. My mom was much easier on us and loving. There’s 9 of us and we all turned out good and we all remember how terrible he was😪
Push back. In front of your children. Tell ex to step off, you’re their mother and have as much rights as he does. If you want to do something with your children do it. If he whines, tell him to suck it up and you will do it your way. You are only a door mat as long as you allow it.
It’s abuse he is mean and harsh and why is he cussing at a 6 year old ? Why are you letting him treat your son like this in your presence ? Kids learn at different ages He is not going to be able to do the same thing your daughter does he’s younger .
He’s trying to treat them like they are in boot camp not kids. My mom’s father did that stupid shit to me. Run with your kids if you can because if you let it happen and don’t try to put a stop to it they may resent you along with him later down the road. I’m thirty and still haven’t forgiven my grandma for allowing it to happen and saying nothing. As a child it made me feel like I wasn’t important enough for her to stand up to him
Stand up to him. I know it can be hard, because if he treats your kids like this, he more then likely treated you like this. It’s abuse, not brainwashing. I doubt it’s intentional, but he probably doesn’t know any other way. They are kids, not military recruits. I’d get them counseling and also ask the courts to intervene. Ask the court for a Guardian Ad Litem for the kids once they have been in counseling for a bit, and ask the courts to reduce his parenting time and possibly require him to go to counseling and or parenting classes before his time can be increased again. He’s destroying your son and your daughter, in different ways, but all the same. Good luck, be strong, he has no power over you anymore.
I don’t agree with the name calling and stuff, but I have a sibling that was spoiled, tended to, made excuses for, lived the entire life with no rules or structure because of divorce guilt, and the consequences are REALLLL. cannot provide for themselves, can’t even bathe, grossly overweight and gets fired from every job because they can’t even brush their hair or shower regularly, violent to others, just the works. Don’t stunt your child by making this world seem like nobody will ever have rules/structure. Your parenting style is simply different
It’s time you contact a lawyer, videotape the shit that goes on and show it to the lawyer. You need to get your kids away from him and only allow him to have supervised visitation because he is terrorizing your kids. She is learning really bad behaviors from your acts and she’s going to continue to treat not only her brother but anyone else she comes in contact with horrifically because of him. He is damaging those kids mentally. He’s abusing them mentally who is to say he’s not doing it physically.
I say it is abuse, helping a 6 year old because his hands are already full is not spoiling him, it’s teaching him to help others in need. Putting a little gel in your daughter’s hair to hold it in place does not a spoiled child make. I would also put an end as to how she treats her brother.
This dad Is abusing his children. Name calling is verbal abuse.
I agree with structure and discipline but name calling, etc is abuse.
The daughter is already abusive towards her brother
Bring a bully, get the kids to therapy and take dad back to court.
I think the best thing you can do is take videos, voice recordings, write down things your daughter/son say as first hand emotions after he acts this way. All of this is a form of abuse and needs to be reported before it becomes something worse. He has already taught your daughter that bullying in some form is alright because she is following his name calling, that’s not a role model for children. When a child needs help, but is denied help every step of the way, they feel a sense of abandonment. You guys are the people he counts on to help him get through things at a young age when he’s having difficulties. When I was little I was left to problem solve 97% of my issues on my own, it has lead to extreme anxiety in my adult life, and an inability to ask for help without feeling like a burden. Not allowing your daughter to do things with her hair will also create a defiance issue. Again when I was little, I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair because I was the only one in my family that could have long hair and I should cherish it. I had hair down to my bum 99% of the time. My mum would slowly cut more and more but my dad hated it. Now as an adult, my hair is either at my shoulders or above. It may not all be brainwashing but it sure as hell is a form of abuse that is going to lead to future mental health issues on your childrens part.
Yall in this group need to stop attacking people just because their opinions don’t match yalls. if you don’t agree with another person opinion keep it moving unless they are being racist or something otherwise scroll past
I don’t think it’s abuse, he’s just a lil to hard on the boy. It may be influencing the sister or she just may be acting like a normal sister. But still she and dad both need to learn not to call names
Sounds like your ex needs to be put in his place and told to stop.
This isn’t strict parenting, it’s abuse. My parents had strict rules and structure for us growing up but they NEVER called us stupid or dumb when we were little. (As we got older it may have come up in a joking context but NEVER in seriousness, even now that we’re adults) and we didn’t get in trouble for little things like you mentioned. None of these things your ex is giving you or the kids a hard time over is a big deal. Who cares if he needs some help getting things out the car? Or if she wears gel in her hair? It’s not like he’s throwing his things on the ground because he’s mad or that she’s squeezing a whole bottle of gel out to waste it. Children are little people and they deserve respect, understanding, and kindness. It’s really sad that anyone thinks this is an ok way to treat a child.
Yeah - no. If anyone was treating my son that way, contact would stop. It’s so damaging to him in so many ways…. Think about any time you’ve been told something negative about your self - compared to say a compliment - the negative ALWAYS sticks in your mind… and heard enough always believe it
Your daughters night be trauma bonded with the mental abuse. Maybe try and get counseling for them . Save all the texts from him and document everything.
I would try and stand up for your kids if he wont budge I would take the kids and go. Hes a jerk and a bully…unless you want your kids tolive like thiis theres not much choice
The children are yours as well. You both need to sit down and work out a parenting plan together and maybe involve the kids opinions in some aspects of their upbringing. Children aren’t soldiers but they do need discipline.
Emotional abuse. My ex was and probably still is emotionally abusive to our kids. To the point that our oldest who’s an adult now wants nothing to do with him and my pre-teen as well wants nothing to do with him, didn’t even want a birthday present from him. I feel so bad sending my two youngest to spend time with him, but courts don’t care about Emotional abuse. It’s a joke and our kids suffer because of it.
Definitely abusive. Record his behavior and any and all incidents and what you have to do. Otherwise, your son is going to grow up feeling he’s not enough and your daughter will grow up thinking this behavior is normal. Beat of luck.
He’s abusive. She’s definitely repeating what she hears. He’s ridiculous. I’d start recording pick ups and drops offs so you have proof of the way he talks to them and once you have proof from multiple days showing a pattern, take him to court. That’s ridiculous.
He’s controlling, to dang controlling the kids aren’t military. Kids are kids, yes definitely do something, it’s not ok to call your kids names, kids need to feel their feelings. He’s not allowing them to do that. Make sure you document everything, and seriously bring it up for custody.
Kids need structure, routine and discipline but not in the way he’s doing it. It sounds like both your kids are terrified of your ex. Keep all documents, pediatric therapy may help both kids as well & family therapy. This way all of you can voice your concerns in a neutral environment
Yep you landed a military father alright. In my experience they are tougher on their children. He is raising them as if they were in the military. Raising little tough soldiers. I see what he is trying to do. Most kids hate being in a military family because there are so many rules and yes sometimes schedules. The people calling him abusive have likely never lived with a military man, and boy can they be stubborn. The best you can do is communicate with him about how you disagree with how he raises them and see if he would do a little family counseling, but he may see that as weak. I didn’t grow up with a military father but my kids are. He drives me crazy sometimes in how he raises them, but he lets me parent how I feel they need parented, but he is not my ex. He can try but he can’t stop you from parenting how you feel they need, but at same time you can’t control how he parents. Unless he hits them or curses them out often. Calling a kid lazy is not abusive. Making a kid grab all their own stuff is not abusive either. He likely doesn’t let your daughter use hair products because in the military you have no time to wash or style your hair. I just wanted you to have an understanding of where he is likely coming from. All that said, tell him he can parent however he wants and you will parent the way you feel they need. He has no control over what happens in your house and vice versa. Be honest and open with your kids that you and him have different ideas of parenting. Tell them dad is trying to raise you tough, but his rules don’t have to apply while they are with you. The kids should loosen up eventually. Many parents don’t share ideas of how they should parent. We should normalize talking about how we are going to parent before we ever go having a baby. Too many people just have children and then deal with how they will raise them, only to realize they disagree on how.
He wants to remember they are children. Children need encouragement discipline and praise…not ordered. Hes no longer in the military screaming at new recruits to brainwash them into obeying orders in times of war.
Id say hes abusive and you need mediation for peaceful compromise or a lawyer to change his custody /visitation rights
This is what he does in front of you, god knows what he does behind closed doors. Do not let him speak to you or your children that way on your time. Start recording incidents. I don’t care that he’s in the military, they don’t teach you to abuse your children, which is exactly what he’s doing. Your daughter is just treating your son the way his father does. This isn’t “structure”…structure is bed times and times to eat dinner, not screaming at your child calling him lazy and stupid.
Dude would not speak to me that one for one…You are his ex…Yes sounds like an abusive control freak…You definitely need to change some things…Counseling for you and the children may help tremendously…Good luck…
I’d start by asking what they think about daddy’s behaviour towards them and how does that make them feel? I personally think he sounds like a pr1k and needs to back the fcuk off and allow them to be children who should, quite frankly be allowed to express themselves however they so wish (with backpacks and hairstyles etc) if they need help they should never have to question whether or not they should ask for it! They should know they can ask without a second thought. As for bullying the youngest…
I think you should seek professional advice and step in FAST before he causes lasting mental damage and behavioural complications. Be their protector not his enabler!
You need to get a protective order. He is abusing you and your children. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. The kids are scared of him for a reason. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Please protect them.
No mam he would be hearing dcs because that’s manipulation and controlling and a 6 and 9 year old is very vulnerable. If he cussed my child and made him cry I would probably knock the MF in his mouth. You will not cuss my kids and make them cry and scared the 9year old is picking up his habit of demeaning the 6 year old. Don’t let them go back he’s an abusive person period. Talk to a attorney.
If your state allows it, I’d start recording picks up and drop offs. You do not have to follow his rules for his household. Get those kids into therapy asap and maybe look into a gal. Which I normally NEVER recommend a gal but I’ve dealt with military men and I highly recommend one in this case if you can find a nonbiased one.
He might not be physically abusing your children, but mental abuse is just as bad, and in some cases worse. He’s destroying their own personalities and dominating their thought. Your children should be able to have opinions, and be heard. I wouldn’t let this continue. Go back to court. Have proof. Your children can testify as to what happens in his house.
Your ex is an abusive asshole, and it’s rubbing off on your daughter. However, your daughter is being a sibling and treating her brother like crap because that’s what kids do - I have five siblings and when we grew up, it’s just what happened because we were being kids and now we’re all close.
Honestly I feel like you need to stick up for them. He can argue and yell at you all he wants to but yelling at the kids it’s just not acceptable and honestly start recording that stuff when he starts yelling at them so you always have proof that he’s being verbally abusive. And also let your kids know that you’re always on their side and you’ll always stick up for them no matter what their dad says your mom and mom makes the decisions.
Put them in therapy like play therapy. It will help your kids bond and if they suspect something they will report it. It will also help if you go back to court they don’t usually speak for u unless you pay but it will look like you were trying to help them
The dad needs therapy because he sounds like a very controlling person, which usually comes from a place of terror that things will go wrong. Keeping to a schedule and learning to be responsible is one thing, but excessive control, regimentation, yelling, and expecting perfection will mess up the kids and possibly perpetuate abuse through the generations:
Your daughter is traumatized and tries to cope by finding someone weaker to abuse, in this case your son. Both kids need therapy, and so does your ex.
Please follow Terra Abellana’s advice and get the courts and a guardian ad litem involved. Their therapists can also testify in court on your kids’ behalf. Definitely see if you can mandate parenting and anger management classes for the ex, and therapy for whatever makes him tense, angry and controlling.
Does the dad perhaps have PTSD? Did he know a service member who died or was horribly injured and feels like if he only did something differently or better it might not have happened? Most men are socialized to be in control all the time, when we actually have very little control over most of our lives. This cognitive dissonance often makes men a little crazy.
I’m so sorry you and they are undergoing this. Hopefully they are young enough to recover if you act now to get them help & reduce the time they spend with their dad. Maybe you can demand only supervised visits with him too. Get a good lawyer to fight for you and your kids. Sending love, courage, and resilience your way. You are stronger than you know and I know you’ll be a fierce warrior woman fighting for your kids happiness in life. Watch The Sound of Music for inspiration, all of you can learn meditation and other methods to help decompress and find some calm. Your kids are lucky in that they have you as a loving, sensible mom in their lives:
Issues with the children aside, if my ex felt comfortable screaming at me in front of my kids I would immediately return to court and request high conflict parenting classes for him. Bring a witness to every exchange. I’ve been doing that for 5 years and haven’t had an outburst since our last private exchange.
He sounds like he needs some anger management and parenting classes and supervised visitation until he does so. He may be damaging your children verbally, obviously from this post, mentally and emotionally. Prayers for your children
Record when and what you can. Keeping documentation of what happened and how your kids react is key.
Also remember he cannot control what goes on in your house, but you cannot control what goes on in his either.
You both definitely need to attend parenting classes together, they have them for parents that are divorced and helps them co-parent without the controlling.
I’d start recording interactions. Depending on the state you can privately record him, but with his behavior I’d be pointing my phone camera directly at him and be telling him he’s abusive. Maybe even report him to CPS anonymously.
Get the kids into counseling right away so that a professional can document the amount of damage this attitude has had on your son. The Ex is ruining your sons self-esteem and your daughter is acting like her father to please her father. Ask your pediatrician for a counselors name (for this don’t use a church therapist) Your councilor can document the abuse and help you get the children away from this and possibly make your Ex take parenting classes or anger management even court mandated counseling for the ex could be ordered. A good child therapist can really help you stop this awful treatment of your son by the Ex. Take the kids to the therapist then go for emergency custody to stop the father from seeing the kids alone till this gets worked out. If you let this go your son will be ruined for life thinking he is worthless and living up to these very awful expectations forced on him by an abusive father.
Ma’am you spelled ABUSE wrong. This is NOT normal behavior and it shouldn’t be tolerated. I don’t know if you have a court ordered custody agreement or not but this is a matter for the the courts. My kids would NOT be going over there unless it’s court ordered. If it is court ordered you need to bring this behavior to the courts ASAP before he does even more damage. You should also seek counseling for the children to TRY to undo any damage that he has already caused.
Yeah you need to get him on supervised visitations. That is mental and emotional abuse in my opinion. Your poor son is probably heartbroken because it sounds like he treats him worse. Neither deserve any of that. They are children. Not adults and they are not in the military. You’re better than me cause I’d flip tf out.
I’m going to be the odd one out. I wouldn’t label this abusive or brainwashing. Sounds like he runs a disciplined scheduled household. As far as yelling at you personally, I’d remind him he isn’t to interfere with your ability to parent anymore then you are his and while that maybe how he chooses to run his household you will run yours the way you see fit and grab your kid and his stuff and go on about your day. I would also start explaining to your daughter that not everything that they do at dad’s is going to be the same at your house and what is and isn’t allowed there may not be the same here.
Get a lawyer and go for FULL custody. He is traumatizing your kids. He is verbally abusing your kids. What was the reason that you split -up. You need to look back at yourself and try to realize that he was probably abusive to you also.
I would not stand for that kind of treatment for my kids at all. Sounds like he is not respecting your son at all. His intentions may be good but he is going about it the complete wrong way. Protect your son and daughter ASAP. Counsler would be a good start for you & the kids. Hugs
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