I am engaged to a wonderful man. I came out of a horribly abusive relationship and the man I am with now helped me and stood by my side the entire time to take the correct legal steps against my ex for protection for my son and I, but sometimes I just feel like he isn’t supportive. My son from my ex is nearly 3, possibly autistic and really impossible to deal with some days, I’m 24 weeks pregnant, moody and struggling I’m general with mental health, but right now I feel like my fiance is being so selfish. He no longer asks about my day, when I try to tell him he either ignores me or changes the subject to himself, when I tell him I’m sore or uncomfortable, he compares it to himself because he always has it worse and when he does things that upsets me and I try to communicate with him, he just says he is a terrible man and leaves or tells me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Then comes back later and says it was just said out of anger and still blames me. I am trying so hard to stay positive but he is making it so hard
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Is my fiance being selfish? - Mamas Uncut
Abuse isn’t always physical…
Sometimes writing it all out like this helps. I think youve answered your own question. Is it worth it to stick with someone like this, or be on your own? Only you can decide that, but it’s obvious he isn’t caring enough about you and your life.
Does he have depression? And do you possibly have it too?
Classic narcissist…he’s gas lighting you, playing the victim. My advice, get out NOW!!
There are so many things that could be going on here. When he ask how your day was if you immediately bombard him with the bad he will shut down. It comes off as complaining and nagging. Maybe start off with the good parts. And instead of the usual throwing the bad stuff say “I was wondering if we can figure out to make this ______ easier for us”. Or try it was tough today can we sit and talk about how we can as a team make it better.
He’s tired too. Do you ask how his day was and do you actively listen? This is a two way street. Both have to give to get. I would suggest counseling for each of you and then together. I don’t think your relationship is doomed. But it does take compromise and talking through the rough days.
Sounds like my ex who is a narcissist. I went through the same thing and in the end, it destroyed my mental health. Verbal and mental abuse is real. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but he may not change into the man you thought he was. I think you need to seriously think about it and weigh your options. Your feelings are valid and real. You’re not overthinking it or being “dramatic”, which my ex always told me I was. The best answer and best decision may be the toughest. My prayers are with you!
Maybe just try and ask him about his day , and make it about him for a little bit. He could be extremely overwhelmed. Tired. Stressed . My husband shuts down sometimes too , specially when he doesn’t want to bombard me with extra stress. Team work.
Your hormones could definitely be a reason why you’re feeling this way. Sit down and just have a light hearted convo with him.
^^ this. 2 way street, you may be pregnant but men also are validated in their feelings and stresses. You are the mom, we don’t get any breaks and your child being autistic or difficult isn’t on him either. He may get a break by going to work but is it really a break? Or is he worked hard? Pregnancy is hard on men too, he can’t cater to you always he needs to feel it too. Try conversing non confrontational to him. He’s lashing out for a reason, figure it out and take turns.
Sooooo, he’s a narcissist. I mean, I feel like the gaslighting makes that fairly obvious. And they usually DO swoop in on vulnerable people which it sounds like he did.
A million red flags. Things aren’t going to change
Put your focus on yourself and your children. You have to make YOU happy and he has to make HIM happy. You’re not in control of anyone’s actions and feelings but your own. Use “I” statements when attempting to communicate like, “I feel, I think, I know, etc.” It’s okay to let him know how that you won’t accept that kind of behavior but do so in a loving way. People are quick to say he’s a “narcissist” but a lot of times that’s just not the case. My husband was raised differently than I was. I was raised to speak my mind, he was raised to be passive aggressive and never taught how to communicate. I had to work on myself so that I didn’t come off too harsh because the moment he felt criticized, he’d shut down. It’s hard to be kind when you’re so frustrated but you have to really be aware of how you speak to people. Leading by example has really helped him to communicate as well. Now I’m like “man, who taught you how to talk?” Haha! I wish you the best. 
Well that doesn’t sound like “a wonderful” man to me.
It sounds like he’s tired too, just like you. Imagine having a rough day at work and then coming home to just “oh here’s all the crap that went wrong with my day”. I’m not saying you can’t have feelings and emotions, I’m saying it sounds like BOTH of you guys are struggling and taking it out on each other. Try marriage/couples counseling.
He is showing you how/what kind of person he is and you are refusing to believe it. What is the matter with you? Why do you feel this is what you want your life to be like? Your definition of “wonderful man” is seriously off. This isn’t what a wonderful man does.
He clearly doesn’t want to be with you, doing ignore the signs
Sounds like you aren’t the only one having a hard time.
One thing I always ask is am I the kind of person I would want to come home to? What are you doing for him? Sounds like he is defensive because you attack him when he gets home. Relax
It sounds like emotional abuse, but may not be intentional. He may “have it worse” bit it doesn’t lessen that you are infact in pain, uncomfortable, or not feeling well too. I really don’t have any advice for him, but for your child, talk to his doctor. Don’t let get of it. If he is anywhere on the spectrum, early intervention is going help him. My nephew is autistic. The early therapy and education helped tremendously.
He stood by your side and helped you through probably one of the lowest points in your life and you want to say, “He’s not supportive?” … I am sorry love but you seem to be the selfish one here. When was the last time you asked him about his day? When was the last time you asked him what was going on in his head? Have you thought about sitting down with him and talking about him and his comforts? Relationships go both ways, yes you were in a shitty relationship before, but that doesn’t mean that you are the center of the relationship. Take a step back and look at how you’ve been treating him and ask yourself if you are treating him with the same respect that you are expecting out of him. Men will often shrug off things that bother them because their whole life they’ve been told to “man-up”. When you try to communicate with him, are you accusatory, is your tone snotty? There’s often more to the story than you are sharing with us.
Sounds like u both ate feeling a certain type of way .
Sounds like u both feel neglected but feels like hes to blame and vise versa. Maybe you both need to learn to appreciate each other have a conversation but ask him why hes so upset he seems to want to talk but about him and his day not saying u but I think maybe u both need some adult time or plan a special dinner and talk about how u can make it better
Maybe he is scared of the new baby and becoming a real dad.talk to him,dont just give up and go,if it doesn’t work,get out.try asking him about his day,treat him,i know its hard being pregnant and all but just try,men deal with emotions in a weird way,just maybe he wil open up to u, wheel him out.
Ps.could be he is scared u won’t give him any more attention
Is it one upmanship? Or is it sympathizing in a way you don’t like or understand?
I tell my husband I’m tired. He often says he is too. He’s not diminishing my feelings any. He’s allowed to be tired as well.
When he says he’s tired too…how do you react? Do you get mad? Do you pick a fight or put him down?
Ask him if he does that (the comparison thing or bring something up about him) to relate to you or if he is trying to explain why he’s got it worse. Always clarify. If it’s a trying to relate thing, I recently learned people do this sometimes when they don’t know how to engage in a conversation that they can’t identify with naturally. They aren’t meaning to sound rude or selfish, it’s their way of saying they understand. If it’s the other one, well, just walk away mid sentence and tell him the conversation no longer is serving its purpose and you’ve moved on 
Its a two way street, both should be able to talk. What He is doing is normal, many people do it. See who has it worse off. When was the last time you wanted Him to talk? We have a tendancy to make mountains out of mole hills. Try treating him exactly how you want to be treated. Ask Him how was His day, ask him how he is feeling. Ive realized our biggest pet peeves are flaws we see in ourselves too. Men are not as verbal as woman, when men talk their dopamine levels drop. On the other hand when women talk they release more dopamine. Men were not hardwired for interactions that much. More for Hunting, and protecting than chit chatting. If you want a sympathetic ear try a female friend.
Sounds like you went from one narcissist to another…
I love how all the bitter women are like leave him hahaha
How is he a wonderful man?
Tbf, do you take time to discuss him?
Maybe he’s hinting he feels unheard…like you.
Both of you are stressed & need to listen to each other. Plan some time to just Be.
It’s hard, but focus on what’s good.
Hear him. Support him. He’s stressed too.
Yes, you’re pregnant, but he’s worthy of being heard & if you don’t… Someone else will.
Out of the fire and into the pot? Isn’t that the saying? Just because it’s not as bad as it was does not mean it’s good for you. Even if he helped you …you don’t owe him for that. That’s how they get you. Careful 
Yikes sounds like a man child
Do you ever ask him about HIS day? Do you ever comfort him? I mean… Let’s be real. It cant be just about you or just about him. How can people call him narcissistic when they are only getting your side
Sounds narcissistic to me . Set boundaries for each other &, make one of yours “ you can’t just give up or say you wanna leave me when your upset “
If his saying he doesnt want me to be with you then obvious he means it so leave
Smh sounds like you got with a narcissist tbh. He groomed you from the beginning and since you got pregnant his true colors are showing now
Massive red flags here. Do you want your children to behave like this. Sounds narcissistic
You have challenges that can be hard with a child you mentioned as over bearing and your hormones are on high die. Try to put yourself in his shoes and see if things are different. He may be selfish or a little overwhelmed. Wait until the baby comes and reevaluate your relationship
Your classic narcissist. All nice in the beginning. And boom here is the control freak that only gives a shit about themselves.
typical traits of a narcissistic man, unfortunately sounds like he used a time u were venerable to make him self look wonderful and amazing, by doing everything u needed him to do, once he has you and now your obviously pregnant to him, he has you where he needs you and now your an after thought and his true colours and who he actually is is showing, he won’t stop there.
walk away , retract your first statement that he is a wonderful man, cause that’s clearly not true
Sounds like a narcissist to me. They can be really sweet & make you feel special at first. Then the gaslighting & mind games starts. I was stuck in that for 5 years. Get out. People here won’t like this but leave his name off the baby’s birth certificate. Hell use that baby to control to hurt you forever.
They’re are other abuses besides physical abuse…this sound like mental abuse. Leave until he getsvhelp.
Red flags super red flag run as fast as you can
Sounds like you jumped from one abusive relationship into another. Ugh. I am so sorry. I don’t understand how people can treat their significant others like this, especially while pregnant. Sending hugs.
Recognize the signs yet?
mmmmm gaslighting. Yes, your fiance is being selfish. This is a red flag.
Narcissistic behavior…run
sorry you are going thru this, but do you ever ask him how he is doing? How his day is??? If you are upset about how he is treating you, then leave
Leave darling it will only get worse. You and your babies deserve to be happy, remember if you not happy the kids won’t be happy.
ugh, i’m so sorry. it sounds like he is incapable of validating your feelings. NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) gets overused—but he can certainly have traits. extremely selfish, not empathetic, etc.
he may not be but if he’s not empathetic it will be a shitty relationship. i’m sorry to say.
You found you a narcissist. Let that man go
Hes abusive as well, some men will seek out abused women as they think they are submissive. Sounds like he groomed you to believe he is your savior. Watch yourself, sounds like it will get worse verbally. Sorry hun, men aren’t the prize, you are. Women are a man’s glory know your worth
Remember just because it isn’t physical doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. Narcissistic as hell. Sounds like he got what he wanted and now will do and say as he pleases bc he helped you. I would leave now before you take that next step and get married. He gave you what you wanted and now his true colors are starting to shine through.
I just love this group. 1st response to everything is leave hes a this or he’s a that. Half these women tree telling you to leave are putting up with more ish then you are.
Some men don’t cope very well during pregnancy. Your hormones can affect him too.
Dont make any decisions until your hormones have settled…but maybe be aware now he’s got you he may be showing his true colours.
If hes worried about the pregnancy it will hopefully settle soon.
If his narcissist behaviour continues …you must take your children and get away to safety
I speak from experience…do not stay with a man who shows narcissist tendencies . It only gets worse as the years pass .
Toxic behavior from a narcissistic man in my opinion 
So where does the wonderful man part come in? Cuz it sounds like he’s just an asshole
He doesn’t sound so wonderful to me.
Um you just said you’re engaged to a wonderful man and then followed up with all the red flags that show that indeed… he is not wonderful. He’s manipulative… gas lighting… trying to one up you instead of validating your feelings… um no. Don’t marry him girl. Don’t do it.
narcissistic traits all red flags
Traded one abusive relationship for another. It’s very common to do this and not see the signs until it’s too late. Good luck
No offense but he don’t sound so wonderful
Honey, I am sorry, but I think it sounds like he might want out. Sorry. Best wishes.
So you went from a physically abusive relationship to being in a mentally abusive relationship.
Do you ever ask about his day? During pregnancy the attention is always on the woman and maybe he feels like you’re being the selfish one. Just being devils advocate.
Must be a Taurus 
and that’s not a wonderful man!!!
Sounds like you picked another narc. You need to work on yourself with therapy
Maybe he feels he’s been neglected, and just wants some light on himself sometimes. It honestly sounds like he’s going through burn out.
Sounds like a narcissist to me. Know a few. By far the most difficult people to deal with. He probably talks about his feelings alot too right? I noticed the guys are super feminine yet hide behind a macho mask but as soon as their upset they go on and on about how you hurt their feelings😂 Something as simple as a joke can send them into a depression. Look into narcissism. If he has more qualities than not. Depart asap.
So after saying all of that how could you start off saying that he is a wonderful man? That is only in your mind, you seem to be in a cycle of the type of man you choose, you left the other one, but ended up with the same type, my advice, after this child, make sure to pick a better man, or just be on your own for a while, but before getting pregnant again be sure of the type of person you’re conceiving with, sounds rough, but it’s true, maybe get some therapy and break the cycle 
Girl need to let that 
that’s a narcissist fam
Narcissistic jerk is what he is.It won’t get any better,save yourself and your children.
I believe he had good intentions saving u from that abusive relationship.
When it became difficult is when ur son shows autistic behavior and u have ur own needs being pregnant and he got left with feeling empty. This may sound rude but Not everyone can handle kids who r in the spectrum… either they don’t have the patience knowledge or energy to go through that every day. U have mentioned that he can be impossible at times. To save ur sanity and relationship can u get a caregiver for ur son?
Being pregnant comes with a lot of discomforts. Some things u can do for urself to ease the stress to not over bare him as if he’s the only problem solver… getting brunt out. When he’s mentioned his discomforts it came off as rude and blunt but maybe he also not doing well.
He’s not enjoying life and blurts out things he doesn’t mean. He wants the problems to go away. Yes it’s getting to be emotionally abusive as he’s withholding affection.
It’s been hectic and both on u. Admitting it actually helps to show ur in same page and then finding options and compromises.
Don’t marry him my love walk away xxx
Mental abusive is also abusive
Honey he may have been everything you needed to get out, but please realize that sometimes men take advantage of women in sensitive or “vulnerable” situations… whether intentional or not sometimes men groom women in these types of situations. At times they just open you up more for them to have access to you. I would sit back and evaluate this from a strictly logical standpoint. From that boss a$$ B. State of mind… this does not sound healthy for you. I fear you’ll be trapped in this with no support. Make logical and decisive actions. You got this. But personally he sounds like he maybe checked out, and if he’s not receptive to your needs now with 1 child, what can you expect when a second one comes? I want whats best. And I’m disheartened that he might not have yours in mind.
We are only hearing her side of the story…… maybe she is a selfish, self centered type who is extremely needy and only sees her new wonderful man as being a meanie!
….Always two sides to a story! Sounds like a man who busted his butt to help her, and now she is suffocating him!
Sounds like you went from one shitty abusive man to another stop letting yourself get in these situations work on you,take care of your kids
He is a narcissist, RUN… get out while you still have the chance
Reevaluate your relationship. I was also abused by my 1st husband. I married someone who was nice to me and I thought would be good. We had already known each other for several years before dating. But after we got married it turned out that I ignored signs of how self oriented he was. He was not a bad person, just didn’t care to concentrate on another person in his life. We divorced 8 years later and now we are friends which we should have stayed with.
Walk away, it won’t get any better
Red flags are flying sister…
Yeah A lot of men out there are selfish
Your first sentence (he’s a wonderful man) contradicts the rest of the story…
I mean… He doesn’t sound wonderful. Are you sure?
What if you give it one last shot before you end it and ask him to go to couples counseling? If he’s against it or doesn’t want to try then I think you have your answer. I know you love him and you may feel stuck now but you’re not stuck and you can make it work without him and hopefully will have support from family and friends.
Have you ever stopped to think he’s going through shit too?
He’s clearly been there for you, supported you…
There are more kinds of abusive beyond physical abuse. What he is doing is abuse as well.
The best apology is changed actions! If he keeps doing this stuff, then saying he’s sorry, then doing it again… he isn’t sorry. And as long as you continue to forgive him, he will continue to do it because he knows you’ll forgive him.
I had an ex like this. I was up front and honest with him about my abusive ex husband and all the horrible things that went on in my marriage. He stood by me through every emotion, helped me get my divorce and sole custody of my daughter. When I FINALLY started to believe he was different and started to open up, he started acting like my ex. I would tell him that he needs to prove himself or he needs to go. Do not let him continue an abusive pattern. Neither you nor your children deserve that!
Start saving money build a little nest . be ready
Sounds like you traded one abuse for another.
A lot of red flags imo I’d walk away tbh but I understand it’s not that easy
Why would you get pregnant again knowing you got a 24 hour thing to take care of your first one in his condition just curious
I’m thinking he really means it when he says he doesn’t want to be with you anymore
Just because someone is better than who you were with doesn’t mean they’re good. Just means they aren’t as terrible. You deserve more than both of them
Run girl run fast you found another abuser
Past time to leave. Realize you are attracted to the same type of man
Don’t rush into another relationship. Learn to love yourself first.
Sadly a lot of men I know are very selfish and make many things about them.
I would like to also tell you, he is not a wonderful man. He is gaslighting you. He’s not a wonderful man he’s ab*sive.
Sounds narcissistic wanted to be the hero at first got you hooked now that you are pregnant he doesnt think you will go anywhere so his true self can come out.